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[Applause]
2
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Heeeey, Abbott!
3
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[Telephone rings]
4
00:00:24,791 --> 00:00:25,884
Fields Rooming House.
5
00:00:25,993 --> 00:00:27,325
Fields speaking. Hello?
6
00:00:27,427 --> 00:00:28,656
Lou Costello.
7
00:00:28,762 --> 00:00:30,594
Lou Costello isn't here.
8
00:00:30,697 --> 00:00:32,427
This is Lou Costello talking.
9
00:00:32,533 --> 00:00:35,025
Oh, are you Lou
Costello on the other end?
10
00:00:35,135 --> 00:00:37,127
I'm Lou Costello on both ends.
11
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All right, all right, wise guy.
12
00:00:39,439 --> 00:00:40,236
Where are you?
13
00:00:40,340 --> 00:00:43,276
I'm downtown picking up
Mrs. Bronson and her daughter,
14
00:00:43,377 --> 00:00:44,377
like you told me to.
15
00:00:44,444 --> 00:00:46,289
Good, good. Now, bring
them home here right away
16
00:00:46,313 --> 00:00:50,148
because Mrs. Bronson has got to
get ready for her big benefit show.
17
00:00:50,250 --> 00:00:52,014
Now, you drive
carefully, you hear?
18
00:00:52,119 --> 00:00:53,212
Don't worry.
19
00:00:53,320 --> 00:00:54,879
"Don't worry," he says.
20
00:00:54,988 --> 00:00:56,115
Where's Bud Abbott?
21
00:00:56,223 --> 00:00:57,782
- He's with me.
- Oh, good.
22
00:00:57,891 --> 00:00:59,411
Now, you bring Bud
Abbott here with you
23
00:00:59,493 --> 00:01:02,952
because he's got to help
Mrs. Bronson with the show.
24
00:01:03,063 --> 00:01:05,498
Now, you tell him I said
to keep an eye on you
25
00:01:05,599 --> 00:01:08,433
because if the cop picks
you up for speeding, Costello,
26
00:01:08,535 --> 00:01:10,595
he's going to take away
your driver's license.
27
00:01:10,704 --> 00:01:12,195
Ha ha ha ha ha!
28
00:01:12,306 --> 00:01:13,968
"Heh heh heh." What
are you laughing at?
29
00:01:14,074 --> 00:01:16,134
They can't take my
driver's license away.
30
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And why not?
31
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I haven't got a
driver's license.
32
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Funny, funny.
33
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[Tires screech]
34
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Take it easy, will you?
35
00:01:31,325 --> 00:01:32,759
What's the matter with you?
36
00:01:32,859 --> 00:01:35,192
Where do you think you're
running to, a fire or something?
37
00:01:35,295 --> 00:01:36,854
Now, take it easy.
38
00:01:36,964 --> 00:01:39,399
Let's get on to
the rooming house.
39
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Come on. Go ahead.
40
00:01:41,201 --> 00:01:42,612
What are you talking
about? We're here.
41
00:01:42,636 --> 00:01:43,996
We've been here
already 10 minutes.
42
00:01:46,039 --> 00:01:49,032
I've been chasing you
for the last 10 miles.
43
00:01:49,142 --> 00:01:50,872
You came all the way
out from downtown
44
00:01:50,978 --> 00:01:53,675
in exactly four minutes,
and that's 10 miles.
45
00:01:53,780 --> 00:01:55,043
Now, how did you do it?
46
00:01:55,215 --> 00:01:56,706
I come up the Hollywood Freeway.
47
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The Hollywood
Freeway isn't finished.
48
00:01:58,819 --> 00:02:00,412
- It is now.
- You...
49
00:02:00,520 --> 00:02:02,079
Oh, a wise guy, eh?
50
00:02:02,189 --> 00:02:04,852
Now, so far, you've
got five violations.
51
00:02:04,958 --> 00:02:06,269
I'm going to get
a ticket, Abbott.
52
00:02:06,293 --> 00:02:09,195
Yes, you're going to get a
ticket. You're making a lot of them.
53
00:02:09,296 --> 00:02:11,374
First of all, what's the idea
of going up that wrong way
54
00:02:11,398 --> 00:02:12,696
on the one-way street?
55
00:02:12,799 --> 00:02:14,199
You see that arrow
on the lamppost?
56
00:02:14,301 --> 00:02:15,812
Now, when you see the
arrow on the lamppost
57
00:02:15,836 --> 00:02:17,413
and it points that way,
what does it tell you?
58
00:02:17,437 --> 00:02:19,963
That tells you which
way the wind's blowing.
59
00:02:20,073 --> 00:02:21,517
The arrow points
that way on this street,
60
00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:23,052
and on the next
street, it points that way.
61
00:02:23,076 --> 00:02:25,671
What does that signify?
62
00:02:25,779 --> 00:02:30,308
That means the wind's going down
one street and up the other one.
63
00:02:30,417 --> 00:02:32,045
- Answer the man.
- That right?
64
00:02:32,152 --> 00:02:33,916
No, that's not right.
65
00:02:34,021 --> 00:02:36,081
Now, how many people
you got in this car?
66
00:02:36,189 --> 00:02:38,368
Writing me a ticket, huh? How
many people I got in the car?
67
00:02:38,392 --> 00:02:40,003
I said how many people
you got in the car?
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00:02:40,027 --> 00:02:40,926
Answer the man.
69
00:02:41,028 --> 00:02:43,588
- You shut up!
- I'm sorry, Officer.
70
00:02:44,731 --> 00:02:46,700
- Altogether?
- Yes, altogether.
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- Counting him?
- Counting him.
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00:02:48,735 --> 00:02:49,327
Me, too?
73
00:02:49,436 --> 00:02:50,665
You, too.
74
00:02:50,771 --> 00:02:51,466
Seven.
75
00:02:51,571 --> 00:02:52,470
Seven.
76
00:02:52,572 --> 00:02:54,268
- How many in the front seat?
- Three.
77
00:02:54,374 --> 00:02:57,105
- How many in the backseat.
- One.
78
00:02:57,210 --> 00:03:00,237
How much is three and one?
79
00:03:01,014 --> 00:03:03,950
- That's a hard one, ain't it?
- No, it's not a hard one.
80
00:03:04,051 --> 00:03:07,283
- Well, that's seven, ain't it?
- No, it's not seven!
81
00:03:07,387 --> 00:03:09,879
- Now, how many in the car?
- Altogether?
82
00:03:09,990 --> 00:03:11,219
Altogether.
83
00:03:11,324 --> 00:03:12,849
- Counting me?
- Yes, counting you!
84
00:03:12,959 --> 00:03:14,018
Answer the man!
85
00:03:14,127 --> 00:03:16,096
- You shut up.
- I'm sorry.
86
00:03:16,196 --> 00:03:18,392
- Altogether?
- Altogether.
87
00:03:18,498 --> 00:03:19,591
- Seven.
- Seven.
88
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,965
- How many in the front seat?
- Three.
89
00:03:22,069 --> 00:03:25,335
- How many in the backseat?
- One.
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00:03:25,939 --> 00:03:30,001
I'm asking you a simple
question, a very simple question.
91
00:03:30,110 --> 00:03:32,944
How many people
you got in the car?!
92
00:03:35,148 --> 00:03:36,241
Seven.
93
00:03:36,416 --> 00:03:39,409
Three and one is not seven.
94
00:03:39,519 --> 00:03:41,545
Three and one never was seven.
95
00:03:41,655 --> 00:03:44,454
Three and one
will never be seven!
96
00:03:45,459 --> 00:03:47,792
What was the idea of
driving up on the sidewalk?
97
00:03:47,894 --> 00:03:50,239
What, you think I'm going to drive
on the road with those crazy drivers?
98
00:03:50,263 --> 00:03:52,323
- It's safer up there.
- Oh, yeah?
99
00:03:52,432 --> 00:03:54,162
You're going 60 miles an hour.
100
00:03:54,267 --> 00:03:55,462
60 miles a minute.
101
00:03:55,635 --> 00:03:57,195
- 60 miles an hour.
- 60 miles a minute.
102
00:03:57,304 --> 00:03:58,932
60 miles an hour.
103
00:03:59,039 --> 00:04:01,599
60 miles a minute.
This car won't go hour.
104
00:04:01,708 --> 00:04:03,519
- That's a violation.
- Well, put it in the book.
105
00:04:03,543 --> 00:04:04,101
All right.
106
00:04:04,211 --> 00:04:06,043
And do you realize you
almost hit that old man
107
00:04:06,146 --> 00:04:07,409
about five blocks back there?
108
00:04:07,514 --> 00:04:08,725
That ain't my fault. He told me.
109
00:04:08,749 --> 00:04:10,149
No, no, no, no,
officer, I didn't.
110
00:04:10,250 --> 00:04:12,412
I told you to give the
old man the right of way.
111
00:04:12,519 --> 00:04:15,079
Oh, I thought you said,
"Get him right away."
112
00:04:15,188 --> 00:04:17,657
Good thing for you you
didn't get him right away.
113
00:04:17,758 --> 00:04:18,918
I'll get him on the way back.
114
00:04:18,992 --> 00:04:22,019
Oh, no, when I get through
with you, you're not coming back.
115
00:04:22,129 --> 00:04:23,188
That's nice.
116
00:04:23,363 --> 00:04:26,060
Now, who's that
lady over on the end?
117
00:04:26,166 --> 00:04:29,000
Oh, that's Mr. Bronson's wife.
118
00:04:29,102 --> 00:04:30,695
Who's the one in the middle?
119
00:04:30,804 --> 00:04:32,170
That's her daughter.
120
00:04:32,272 --> 00:04:34,104
Oh, that's Mr. Bronson's
wife and daughter?
121
00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:38,269
No, no, that's Mrs. Bronson
and Mr. Bronson's wife,
122
00:04:38,378 --> 00:04:39,869
and that's her daughter.
123
00:04:40,046 --> 00:04:42,982
I said who is the
lady on the end?
124
00:04:43,950 --> 00:04:46,249
He's a dope, ain't he?
125
00:04:46,353 --> 00:04:47,719
Who's the lady on the end?
126
00:04:47,821 --> 00:04:49,949
- That's Mrs. Bronson.
- All right, all right.
127
00:04:50,056 --> 00:04:51,901
- Mr. Bronson's wife.
- All right, that's clear.
128
00:04:51,925 --> 00:04:54,520
- Now, but who is the girl?
- That's her daughter.
129
00:04:54,628 --> 00:04:58,531
Then that's Mr. Bronson's
wife and daughter!
130
00:04:58,632 --> 00:04:59,429
Come here.
131
00:04:59,533 --> 00:05:00,865
Explain it, Lou.
Lou, explain it.
132
00:05:00,967 --> 00:05:03,334
You see, this is Mrs.
Bronson over here.
133
00:05:03,436 --> 00:05:04,267
You told me that.
134
00:05:04,437 --> 00:05:08,101
This little girl over here...
That's her daughter!
135
00:05:08,208 --> 00:05:10,939
Then it must be Mr. Bronson's
wife and daughter!
136
00:05:11,044 --> 00:05:14,378
It is not Mr. Bronson's
wife and daughter.
137
00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:17,815
It's Mr. Bronson's wife... I
know what I'm talking about!
138
00:05:17,918 --> 00:05:20,029
- Well, explain it to the man!
- And it's her daughter!
139
00:05:20,053 --> 00:05:20,645
Explain it.
140
00:05:20,754 --> 00:05:24,247
Will you put that into English
so that I can understand it?
141
00:05:24,357 --> 00:05:26,797
Look, officer, let me try to
give it to you once and straight.
142
00:05:26,927 --> 00:05:30,125
Suppose you went to the
market and you bought a cow.
143
00:05:30,230 --> 00:05:31,230
So, I bought a cow.
144
00:05:31,264 --> 00:05:32,994
- Now, the cow had a calf.
- All right.
145
00:05:33,099 --> 00:05:34,658
Now, who would
the calf belong to?
146
00:05:34,768 --> 00:05:36,031
Belongs to me.
147
00:05:36,136 --> 00:05:38,901
- Oh, so you married a cow?
- Yeah, that's...
148
00:05:40,207 --> 00:05:42,438
Mrs. Bronson, I hope that
Mr. Costello's crazy driving
149
00:05:42,542 --> 00:05:43,635
didn't disturb you any.
150
00:05:43,743 --> 00:05:46,022
Disturb me? I had to send my
daughter down to the drug store
151
00:05:46,046 --> 00:05:47,326
to get me some headache tablets.
152
00:05:47,380 --> 00:05:50,179
Oh, my, oh, my, oh, my.
Mrs. Bronson... surprised.
153
00:05:50,283 --> 00:05:52,695
You're just jealous, Abbott, because
I'm a better driver than you are
154
00:05:52,719 --> 00:05:53,729
and I'm smarter than you are.
155
00:05:53,753 --> 00:05:55,665
You're smar... I'm as
smart as you are, you dope.
156
00:05:55,689 --> 00:05:57,715
Oh, now, please, boys,
boys, don't quarrel over me.
157
00:05:57,824 --> 00:05:58,917
He's always arguing.
158
00:05:59,025 --> 00:06:01,790
Oh, dear, men are always
fighting over me. They really are.
159
00:06:01,962 --> 00:06:03,624
I remember when I was a girl...
160
00:06:03,730 --> 00:06:05,528
- You remember that far back?
- Mm-hmm.
161
00:06:05,632 --> 00:06:07,567
Yes, and there were two
boys in our neighborhood
162
00:06:07,667 --> 00:06:09,659
who were fighting over
me and fighting over me
163
00:06:09,769 --> 00:06:10,862
and fighting over...
164
00:06:10,971 --> 00:06:13,702
And today, who do
you think they are?
165
00:06:13,807 --> 00:06:16,800
- Myles Standish and John Alden.
- I...
166
00:06:19,212 --> 00:06:21,909
You're so cute.
167
00:06:22,015 --> 00:06:23,745
You little fat monster.
168
00:06:25,518 --> 00:06:26,952
Oh, it's quite all right.
169
00:06:27,053 --> 00:06:28,578
- Please?
- Oh, no, it's quite right.
170
00:06:28,688 --> 00:06:29,348
Aah!
171
00:06:29,456 --> 00:06:30,856
Oh, I beg your pardon.
172
00:06:30,957 --> 00:06:32,050
Listen, you...
173
00:06:32,158 --> 00:06:34,684
How many times do you think
you can scare me with this thing?
174
00:06:34,794 --> 00:06:35,887
Keep it out of my car.
175
00:06:35,996 --> 00:06:37,931
Mrs. Bronson, would you
mind holding this for me?
176
00:06:38,031 --> 00:06:38,930
Why, certainly, I...
177
00:06:39,032 --> 00:06:40,032
Aah!
178
00:06:43,937 --> 00:06:47,135
You and your practical jokes,
scaring people out of their shoes.
179
00:06:47,240 --> 00:06:49,252
You're going to get us in an
awful mess of trouble, Lou.
180
00:06:49,276 --> 00:06:51,177
[Telephone rings]
181
00:06:51,278 --> 00:06:53,144
MRS. BRONSON: Hello.
I just wanted you to know
182
00:06:53,246 --> 00:06:55,224
that you've driven me to the
verge of nervous prostration,
183
00:06:55,248 --> 00:06:56,272
you little maniac.
184
00:06:56,383 --> 00:06:57,727
I haven't yet recovered
from the shock
185
00:06:57,751 --> 00:07:00,162
of that horrible animal you put
in my hand out there in the hall.
186
00:07:00,186 --> 00:07:01,745
You ought to be
ashamed of yourself.
187
00:07:01,855 --> 00:07:03,335
First you almost
frighten me to death,
188
00:07:03,390 --> 00:07:05,468
driving like a madman
through the streets in that car,
189
00:07:05,492 --> 00:07:08,155
and then you put that
horrible creature in my hands
190
00:07:08,261 --> 00:07:10,628
and almost frighten me
out of my wits... I mean hair.
191
00:07:10,730 --> 00:07:13,427
This is going too far. I'm
losing my patience with you.
192
00:07:13,533 --> 00:07:15,093
I want you to keep
your distance from me
193
00:07:15,135 --> 00:07:16,728
as long as I'm living
in this apartment.
194
00:07:16,836 --> 00:07:20,238
Don't you ever try anything
like that on me again.
195
00:07:20,340 --> 00:07:22,451
Are you paying attention to
what I'm saying, Lou Costello?
196
00:07:22,475 --> 00:07:23,475
Can you hear me?
197
00:07:23,543 --> 00:07:27,207
Lady, I could hear you if you were
talking from Paterson, New Jersey.
198
00:07:27,314 --> 00:07:29,749
I know people like you, and
I wish there was some way
199
00:07:29,849 --> 00:07:31,875
we could get rid of
you and your kind.
200
00:07:34,721 --> 00:07:36,349
And another thing...
201
00:07:37,257 --> 00:07:39,158
and don't forget it!
202
00:07:41,227 --> 00:07:43,321
Little worm.
203
00:07:48,969 --> 00:07:51,461
There. Well, I guess that
took care of the old hag.
204
00:07:51,571 --> 00:07:53,870
It's a good thing for you...
205
00:07:55,275 --> 00:07:58,973
or I'd give you a
good piece of my mind.
206
00:08:00,013 --> 00:08:04,178
Well, I guess you're satisfied
now. You've insulted the woman.
207
00:08:04,284 --> 00:08:07,118
Now, get right over there
and apologize in person.
208
00:08:07,220 --> 00:08:08,483
- Go on.
- Apologize.
209
00:08:08,588 --> 00:08:10,955
Go on over and
apologize to Mrs. Bronson.
210
00:08:11,057 --> 00:08:12,320
Go on!
211
00:08:12,826 --> 00:08:14,658
Apologize.
212
00:08:16,896 --> 00:08:19,331
Apologize, apologize.
213
00:08:21,801 --> 00:08:24,464
Mrs. Br... Whoa!
214
00:08:24,571 --> 00:08:25,630
What's the matter?
215
00:08:25,739 --> 00:08:26,866
Aah!
216
00:08:26,973 --> 00:08:30,102
Oh, it's you, Mrs.
Bronson. What's happened?
217
00:08:30,276 --> 00:08:31,887
Nothing, I was just
giving myself a mud pack.
218
00:08:31,911 --> 00:08:33,209
Aah!
219
00:08:33,313 --> 00:08:35,214
Well, what was all this
with you and Costello?
220
00:08:35,315 --> 00:08:37,307
You keep that maniac
Costello away from me.
221
00:08:37,417 --> 00:08:39,613
Either he leaves this
apartment house, or I will!
222
00:08:39,719 --> 00:08:42,314
Oh, come, come, now, Mrs.
Bronson. Let's just think a minute.
223
00:08:42,422 --> 00:08:43,446
Didn't I talk Bud Abbott
224
00:08:43,556 --> 00:08:45,388
into becoming stage
manager of your show?
225
00:08:45,492 --> 00:08:46,687
Well, what has that got to do
226
00:08:46,793 --> 00:08:48,921
with that overstuffed
garbage can, Costello?
227
00:08:49,029 --> 00:08:50,497
Well, they're partners, dear.
228
00:08:50,597 --> 00:08:52,657
If Costello goes,
Abbott goes with him.
229
00:08:52,766 --> 00:08:55,099
Then your show is
gone... No stage manager.
230
00:08:55,201 --> 00:08:58,467
Oh, very well, but you
keep Costello out of my hair!
231
00:08:58,638 --> 00:08:59,970
Oh, you got a deal.
232
00:09:00,073 --> 00:09:01,097
- Mrs. Bronson?
- Yes?
233
00:09:01,207 --> 00:09:03,574
Mrs... Aah!
234
00:09:03,676 --> 00:09:07,511
Oh, uh... Costello, come here.
235
00:09:07,614 --> 00:09:09,879
How dare you compare
this beast to Mrs. B...
236
00:09:09,983 --> 00:09:14,512
Uh, how dare you compare
Mrs. Bronson to this... this, uh...
237
00:09:14,621 --> 00:09:16,112
Mrs. Bronson is no be...
238
00:09:16,289 --> 00:09:19,157
She is a beast.
239
00:09:19,325 --> 00:09:21,351
Look, I'll handle this, Mrs.
Bronson. Do you mind?
240
00:09:21,461 --> 00:09:22,461
You'd better had.
241
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:24,030
You troublemaker.
242
00:09:24,130 --> 00:09:27,862
Do you realize I'll never be able
to look myself in the face again?
243
00:09:27,967 --> 00:09:29,127
- That makes two of us.
- Shh.
244
00:09:29,169 --> 00:09:29,693
Ohh!
245
00:09:29,803 --> 00:09:31,533
That's all right.
246
00:09:31,638 --> 00:09:33,038
Will you please...
247
00:09:33,139 --> 00:09:35,506
Will you please try to
keep this idiot in line?
248
00:09:35,608 --> 00:09:36,837
I'm trying my best.
249
00:09:36,943 --> 00:09:38,220
I've done everything
in the world
250
00:09:38,244 --> 00:09:39,822
to keep him from
being thrown out of here.
251
00:09:39,846 --> 00:09:42,111
Look, didn't I give
you boys permission
252
00:09:42,215 --> 00:09:44,150
to turn my garage into a gym?
253
00:09:44,250 --> 00:09:47,220
My poor car has been standing
out in the street for three months.
254
00:09:47,320 --> 00:09:49,432
- Anything's liable to happen to it.
- What could happen to it?
255
00:09:49,456 --> 00:09:50,287
[Tires screech]
256
00:09:50,390 --> 00:09:52,416
[Crash]
257
00:09:58,164 --> 00:09:59,291
Well, what was it?
258
00:09:59,399 --> 00:10:01,129
Well, Mr. Fields,
just take it easy, now.
259
00:10:01,234 --> 00:10:01,860
Lou.
260
00:10:02,035 --> 00:10:03,813
Please just take it easy.
You got to brace up.
261
00:10:03,837 --> 00:10:05,032
Lou, was it my car?
262
00:10:05,138 --> 00:10:08,267
Oh, pal, you've been such
a nice fellow, a nice landlord.
263
00:10:08,374 --> 00:10:10,352
Just take it easy. You
got to take this like a man.
264
00:10:10,376 --> 00:10:11,376
Take it standing up.
265
00:10:11,444 --> 00:10:13,743
- Was it my car?
- Keep your chin up, Mr. Fields.
266
00:10:13,847 --> 00:10:15,042
Lou, well, talk...
267
00:10:15,148 --> 00:10:17,549
Oh, pardon me, Mr. Fields.
268
00:10:17,650 --> 00:10:20,518
Lou. Lou.
269
00:10:21,054 --> 00:10:22,920
Oh, no.
270
00:10:23,423 --> 00:10:26,018
All right, take it
easy. Take it easy.
271
00:10:26,126 --> 00:10:30,029
Mr. Fields, I hate to be
the bearer of bad news,
272
00:10:30,130 --> 00:10:36,366
but my advice to you is get your
shoes re-soled in the morning.
273
00:10:36,469 --> 00:10:39,234
You're going to do
an awful lot of walking.
274
00:10:39,339 --> 00:10:42,207
- S-S-Sorry, pal.
- It's all right.
275
00:10:42,308 --> 00:10:43,367
We did the best we could.
276
00:10:43,476 --> 00:10:45,206
[Thump]
277
00:10:47,313 --> 00:10:49,942
Poor fella. Couldn't take it.
278
00:10:50,049 --> 00:10:52,211
- Just couldn't take it.
- We did everything we could.
279
00:10:52,318 --> 00:10:53,718
That's all.
280
00:10:54,721 --> 00:10:56,417
- Now, uh...
- Excuse me.
281
00:10:56,523 --> 00:10:57,752
Joey, you still up?
282
00:10:57,924 --> 00:10:59,764
- Oh, now, look, please, I...
- What... What...
283
00:10:59,792 --> 00:11:01,192
I don't want to be
annoyed by you.
284
00:11:01,294 --> 00:11:02,972
I heard you say something
has to go to the flies.
285
00:11:02,996 --> 00:11:05,488
Look, will you please
keep quiet, keep out of this?
286
00:11:05,598 --> 00:11:08,295
I don't know why I ever
let Fields talk me into this
287
00:11:08,401 --> 00:11:10,870
fixing up this stage
here for Mrs. Bronson.
288
00:11:10,970 --> 00:11:12,302
- Listen...
- This is work.
289
00:11:12,405 --> 00:11:13,566
This is not play, you know?
290
00:11:13,673 --> 00:11:15,718
I know, but you told him you
were used to being on the stage...
291
00:11:15,742 --> 00:11:17,286
All right, all right,
well, forget about it.
292
00:11:17,310 --> 00:11:18,209
I used to be on the stage, too,
293
00:11:18,311 --> 00:11:19,655
but they don't give
me no job in the show.
294
00:11:19,679 --> 00:11:21,323
I'm not going to hang
around here all day, you know.
295
00:11:21,347 --> 00:11:22,610
I had plenty of opportunities.
296
00:11:22,715 --> 00:11:24,827
All right, yes, I know. You
had all the opportunities.
297
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:26,362
I would like a chance
in this show if you...
298
00:11:26,386 --> 00:11:28,030
What are you talking
about... You, an actor.
299
00:11:28,054 --> 00:11:29,078
Get out of here.
300
00:11:29,189 --> 00:11:30,714
- Wait a minute. Come here.
- Joey...
301
00:11:30,823 --> 00:11:31,722
Wait a minute, Joey.
302
00:11:31,824 --> 00:11:33,202
You mean you never
saw me in a picture?
303
00:11:33,226 --> 00:11:34,592
Oh, certainly not.
Where... What...
304
00:11:34,694 --> 00:11:36,572
Didn't you see me in that
picture "Toast of the Town"?
305
00:11:36,596 --> 00:11:37,962
- "Toast of the Town"?
- Yeah.
306
00:11:38,064 --> 00:11:39,828
What were you,
one of the crumbs?
307
00:11:39,933 --> 00:11:41,868
Now get out of here.
Stop annoying me.
308
00:11:41,968 --> 00:11:42,867
Joe!
309
00:11:42,969 --> 00:11:46,133
Wait a minute, just a
minute, just... Excuse me, Joe.
310
00:11:46,239 --> 00:11:47,935
Leave Joe alone.
Now, stop giving orders.
311
00:11:48,107 --> 00:11:49,107
Will you stop this?
312
00:11:49,209 --> 00:11:50,575
Look out, now. You see?
313
00:11:50,677 --> 00:11:52,557
There, go ahead now.
Start some trouble up here.
314
00:11:52,612 --> 00:11:54,012
- Well, I'm...
- Get off the stage.
315
00:11:54,113 --> 00:11:55,558
Go out in the alley
if you want to play.
316
00:11:55,582 --> 00:11:56,345
I got a nice voice.
317
00:11:56,482 --> 00:11:59,577
Why don't you give me a chance
to help Mrs. Bronson in the show
318
00:11:59,686 --> 00:12:01,730
so then she'll make up with
me and then we'll be happy?
319
00:12:01,754 --> 00:12:03,766
What in the world can you
do, Lou? Will you, please?
320
00:12:03,790 --> 00:12:04,189
Sing.
321
00:12:04,290 --> 00:12:05,485
- You can what?
- Sing.
322
00:12:05,592 --> 00:12:07,527
- Since when?
- Now.
323
00:12:07,627 --> 00:12:08,827
- Since now?
- Want to hear me?
324
00:12:08,928 --> 00:12:10,897
You're a... No, no, no, I
don't want to hear you.
325
00:12:10,997 --> 00:12:12,727
Look, I've got to
hang this scenery, Lou.
326
00:12:12,832 --> 00:12:14,528
The show will be on tonight.
327
00:12:14,634 --> 00:12:16,728
The scenery's got to go
up. The show must go on.
328
00:12:16,836 --> 00:12:17,963
Well, give me a chance.
329
00:12:18,071 --> 00:12:20,438
Sit down there and sing,
please. Sing to yourself.
330
00:12:20,540 --> 00:12:22,634
Go ahead. Have a
good time. Enjoy yourself.
331
00:12:22,742 --> 00:12:23,937
Listen to this now, huh?
332
00:12:24,043 --> 00:12:25,671
I don't want... Go ahead, sing.
333
00:12:25,778 --> 00:12:31,376
♪ Oh, I love Jeanie
with the light brown hair ♪
334
00:12:31,484 --> 00:12:33,578
Take this up a
little higher, Joe.
335
00:12:33,686 --> 00:12:34,415
♪ Oh oh oh ♪
336
00:12:34,520 --> 00:12:35,818
A little higher.
337
00:12:35,922 --> 00:12:37,015
[Sings in a higher pitch]
338
00:12:37,123 --> 00:12:40,924
♪ I love Jeanie with
the light brown hair ♪
339
00:12:41,027 --> 00:12:42,461
Joe, can you hear me up there?
340
00:12:42,562 --> 00:12:43,655
♪ And I love ♪
341
00:12:43,763 --> 00:12:45,857
A little higher!
342
00:12:45,965 --> 00:12:47,228
[Sings in a higher pitch]
343
00:12:47,333 --> 00:12:50,997
♪ Oh, I love Jeanie
with the light brown hair ♪
344
00:12:51,104 --> 00:12:53,198
Mike, get on the rope.
Please help a little bit.
345
00:12:53,306 --> 00:12:54,306
♪ And I'm... ♪
346
00:12:54,340 --> 00:12:56,206
A little higher!
347
00:12:56,309 --> 00:12:58,244
[Sings in a higher pitch]
348
00:12:58,344 --> 00:13:00,404
♪ I love Jeanie
with the light... ♪
349
00:13:00,513 --> 00:13:03,415
Higher!
350
00:13:03,516 --> 00:13:05,542
Hold it. Hold it.
Hold it. Hold it.
351
00:13:05,652 --> 00:13:08,349
Too high! Too high! Too high!
352
00:13:08,454 --> 00:13:09,752
Too h...
353
00:13:09,856 --> 00:13:10,721
Down a little.
354
00:13:10,823 --> 00:13:11,823
Ohh, take it easy.
355
00:13:11,858 --> 00:13:12,985
♪ I love Je-e-e-eanie... ♪
356
00:13:13,092 --> 00:13:15,152
Hold it. Hold it. Hold it.
357
00:13:15,261 --> 00:13:17,127
More.
358
00:13:18,164 --> 00:13:20,042
All the way to the floor.
All the way to the floor.
359
00:13:20,066 --> 00:13:21,066
[Sings in a lower pitch]
360
00:13:21,100 --> 00:13:21,999
♪ I love Jeanie... ♪
361
00:13:22,101 --> 00:13:23,101
All the way to the floor!
362
00:13:23,169 --> 00:13:24,296
[Sings in a lower pitch]
363
00:13:24,404 --> 00:13:25,463
♪ I love Jeanie ♪
364
00:13:25,571 --> 00:13:27,062
Hold it!
365
00:13:27,173 --> 00:13:29,074
Up, up, up, up.
366
00:13:29,175 --> 00:13:30,734
[Sings in a higher pitch]
367
00:13:30,843 --> 00:13:34,302
♪ I love Jeanie with
the light brown hair ♪
368
00:13:34,414 --> 00:13:35,724
All right, tie
that off on there.
369
00:13:35,748 --> 00:13:39,412
♪ I love Jeanie with
the light brown hair ♪
370
00:13:39,519 --> 00:13:42,148
Will you? Not so loud,
please. I got work to do here.
371
00:13:42,255 --> 00:13:43,814
♪ I love Jeanie... ♪
372
00:13:43,923 --> 00:13:46,415
Up on that right leg. Up.
373
00:13:46,526 --> 00:13:47,585
Up on that right leg.
374
00:13:47,694 --> 00:13:50,425
♪ I love Jeanie... ♪
375
00:13:50,530 --> 00:13:52,726
Did you hear me? I
said up on the right leg!
376
00:13:52,832 --> 00:13:59,864
♪ I love Jeanie with
the light brown hair ♪
377
00:13:59,972 --> 00:14:01,770
♪ I love Jeanie... ♪
378
00:14:01,874 --> 00:14:04,366
- Up on your left leg!
- What?!
379
00:14:05,445 --> 00:14:08,074
Up on my left leg!
380
00:14:08,181 --> 00:14:11,640
Never mind the right
leg! The left leg! Hold it!
381
00:14:11,751 --> 00:14:12,582
♪ I love... ♪
382
00:14:12,685 --> 00:14:13,584
Up on the right leg.
383
00:14:13,686 --> 00:14:14,686
♪ I love Jeanie... ♪
384
00:14:14,721 --> 00:14:17,384
Never mind the left! Hold
the left! Up on the right!
385
00:14:17,490 --> 00:14:18,822
♪ I love Je... ♪
386
00:14:18,925 --> 00:14:21,417
Hold the right! Up on the left!
387
00:14:21,527 --> 00:14:22,290
The left!
388
00:14:22,395 --> 00:14:23,055
♪ I... I... ♪
389
00:14:23,162 --> 00:14:24,186
Up on both legs!
390
00:14:24,297 --> 00:14:26,630
♪ I love... ♪
391
00:14:29,402 --> 00:14:33,863
Hold still a minute!
What's the matter with you?
392
00:14:33,973 --> 00:14:35,703
Now, you got this right, boys?
393
00:14:35,808 --> 00:14:37,186
Be ready to tie
off when I tell you.
394
00:14:37,210 --> 00:14:40,703
♪ I love Jeanie
with the light... ♪
395
00:14:40,813 --> 00:14:42,406
Over to the left a little.
396
00:14:42,515 --> 00:14:44,108
A little more.
397
00:14:44,450 --> 00:14:45,450
A little more.
398
00:14:45,551 --> 00:14:47,179
Whoop! Too far.
399
00:14:47,286 --> 00:14:49,380
To your right just a little.
400
00:14:49,489 --> 00:14:51,515
To your right a little.
401
00:14:51,624 --> 00:14:52,853
To your right a little!
402
00:14:53,025 --> 00:14:55,187
Hold it. Hold it.
Oh, wait a minute.
403
00:14:55,294 --> 00:14:59,356
♪ I love Jeanie with
the light brown hair ♪
404
00:14:59,465 --> 00:15:02,196
Joey, you've got that
cord. You've got that... Ohh!
405
00:15:02,301 --> 00:15:04,361
It's all twisted!
406
00:15:04,470 --> 00:15:05,267
Turn it around.
407
00:15:05,371 --> 00:15:07,704
Turn it around to your
right, around to your right.
408
00:15:07,807 --> 00:15:08,968
Around to your right!
409
00:15:09,075 --> 00:15:10,236
♪ I love Jeanie... ♪
410
00:15:10,376 --> 00:15:11,935
It's all twisted in the rafters.
411
00:15:12,044 --> 00:15:12,807
♪ I love Jeanie... ♪
412
00:15:12,912 --> 00:15:14,608
Around the... Will
you get out of my way?
413
00:15:14,714 --> 00:15:16,512
- Well, you told me to go around!
- Quiet!
414
00:15:16,616 --> 00:15:18,209
♪ I love Jeanie with... ♪
415
00:15:18,317 --> 00:15:19,876
Turn to your left.
416
00:15:19,986 --> 00:15:21,010
Turn to your left!
417
00:15:21,120 --> 00:15:24,784
♪ I love Jeanie with
the light brown hair ♪
418
00:15:24,891 --> 00:15:26,235
Will you go away
for just a minute?!
419
00:15:26,259 --> 00:15:28,370
Well, you told me to go around
this way, go around that way!
420
00:15:28,394 --> 00:15:30,272
- All right, all right!
- I'm getting Jeanie dizzy!
421
00:15:30,296 --> 00:15:31,491
All right, hold!
422
00:15:31,597 --> 00:15:36,365
Come forward. A little
more. Forward a little more.
423
00:15:36,469 --> 00:15:37,732
♪ I love Jeanie with... ♪
424
00:15:37,837 --> 00:15:40,864
Bring it all the way out.
Bring it all the way forward.
425
00:15:47,513 --> 00:15:49,175
Oh, boy.
426
00:15:49,282 --> 00:15:51,251
Did I work hard on that show.
427
00:15:51,350 --> 00:15:53,012
I must have taken off late.
428
00:15:53,119 --> 00:15:54,199
Yeah, you worked very hard.
429
00:15:54,353 --> 00:15:56,064
I went into the thing with
the orchestra down there...
430
00:15:56,088 --> 00:15:57,088
Smash! You worked hard.
431
00:15:57,190 --> 00:15:59,635
- Well, that was your own fault, Lou.
- Why didn't you help me sing?
432
00:15:59,659 --> 00:16:01,003
♪ Jeanie with the
light brown hair ♪
433
00:16:01,027 --> 00:16:02,504
Oh, aye, aye, aye,
aye, stop it. Stop it.
434
00:16:02,528 --> 00:16:03,996
I must have lost weight.
435
00:16:04,096 --> 00:16:04,825
Whew.
436
00:16:04,931 --> 00:16:07,127
Boy, oh, boy, did I...
437
00:16:07,233 --> 00:16:10,567
Hey. How do you like that?
438
00:16:10,670 --> 00:16:12,434
Three pounds heavier.
439
00:16:12,538 --> 00:16:13,699
I took on three pounds.
440
00:16:13,806 --> 00:16:15,798
Can you imagine, with
all the work I did there?
441
00:16:15,908 --> 00:16:16,908
Oh, I don't know.
442
00:16:16,976 --> 00:16:18,420
You'll have to give
me a rubdown, Lou.
443
00:16:18,444 --> 00:16:20,422
- I got to give you a rubdown?
- Yes, get in shape again.
444
00:16:20,446 --> 00:16:21,345
Well, you better get it now
445
00:16:21,447 --> 00:16:23,759
because I think Fields is going to
turn this thing back into a garage.
446
00:16:23,783 --> 00:16:25,115
You know how to give a rubdown?
447
00:16:25,218 --> 00:16:26,277
You don't?
448
00:16:26,385 --> 00:16:28,149
Oh, that's right, you never did.
449
00:16:28,254 --> 00:16:29,254
Hey, wait a minute.
450
00:16:29,288 --> 00:16:32,224
Fatless Frankie is on the
air at this time every day
451
00:16:32,325 --> 00:16:34,487
with his reducing program.
452
00:16:34,594 --> 00:16:35,892
Turn on the radio. Go ahead.
453
00:16:35,995 --> 00:16:38,155
Turn that on and do
everything that he tells you to do.
454
00:16:38,197 --> 00:16:39,708
Okay, well, give
me... Get your robe off.
455
00:16:39,732 --> 00:16:40,597
Now, wait a minute.
456
00:16:40,700 --> 00:16:43,534
Turn it on and do everything
and don't ask any questions.
457
00:16:43,636 --> 00:16:46,265
Just listen to Fatless Frankie.
He's a guy that can give rubdowns.
458
00:16:46,372 --> 00:16:47,271
You're muscular.
459
00:16:47,373 --> 00:16:49,017
Yeah, but we want to
get some of this weight off.
460
00:16:49,041 --> 00:16:50,285
- You know what I mean, Lou?
- Okay.
461
00:16:50,309 --> 00:16:52,301
Come on. Turn on the radio.
462
00:16:54,413 --> 00:16:57,212
RADIO: And now "The
Body Beautiful Hour."
463
00:16:57,383 --> 00:17:00,285
Well, well, well, good morning.
464
00:17:00,386 --> 00:17:03,379
I know that you all have just
completed your two-mile run.
465
00:17:03,489 --> 00:17:07,688
Now lie down, relax,
stretch your body,
466
00:17:07,793 --> 00:17:09,819
and you're ready
for your rubdown.
467
00:17:09,929 --> 00:17:12,194
Remember... do everything I say.
468
00:17:12,298 --> 00:17:17,965
First get a bottle of rubbing
alcohol or witch hazel. I'll wait.
469
00:17:18,070 --> 00:17:20,062
Rubbing alcohol or witch hazel.
470
00:17:20,172 --> 00:17:22,117
Rubbing alcohol or witch
hazel? Which one do you want?
471
00:17:22,141 --> 00:17:23,803
Oh, use either.
472
00:17:23,910 --> 00:17:25,742
- I beg your pardon?
- Use either.
473
00:17:25,845 --> 00:17:27,939
- Use ether?
- Yeah, sure.
474
00:17:28,047 --> 00:17:30,016
I'm too tired.
475
00:17:44,330 --> 00:17:49,132
RADIO: Rub
gently, gently at first.
476
00:17:49,235 --> 00:17:52,865
Rub gently now. That's it.
477
00:17:58,778 --> 00:18:02,044
Circulate with love...
478
00:18:06,852 --> 00:18:08,718
Wake up!
479
00:18:09,689 --> 00:18:15,526
Now let's get a bottle of
soothing skin lotion, hmm?
480
00:18:15,628 --> 00:18:17,927
Soothing skin lotion.
481
00:18:18,030 --> 00:18:19,408
I think I got it in
the other room.
482
00:18:19,432 --> 00:18:20,161
[Snoring]
483
00:18:20,266 --> 00:18:21,962
Soothing...
484
00:18:25,905 --> 00:18:27,533
RADIO: Before we
go on to the rubdown,
485
00:18:27,640 --> 00:18:29,700
here's a helpful hint
from our sponsor.
486
00:18:29,809 --> 00:18:32,938
Ladies and gentlemen, Fatless
Frankie is presented daily
487
00:18:33,045 --> 00:18:36,243
by your friendly Squeak And
Rattle Body Feather Company.
488
00:18:36,349 --> 00:18:38,909
Today we take pleasure
in giving instructions
489
00:18:39,018 --> 00:18:43,854
on how to paint
your car at home.
490
00:18:43,956 --> 00:18:45,185
You all ready?
491
00:18:46,826 --> 00:18:52,595
Put everything else aside
and get some sandpaper.
492
00:18:58,437 --> 00:19:01,999
Get a nice, large piece
of good, rough sandpaper.
493
00:19:02,108 --> 00:19:04,407
Now check the body.
494
00:19:04,510 --> 00:19:09,608
Does it have rust marks,
scratches, or any kind of blemish?
495
00:19:09,715 --> 00:19:14,483
If it has, sandpaper them off.
496
00:19:18,891 --> 00:19:20,917
[Indistinct speaking]
497
00:19:21,027 --> 00:19:23,394
That's a mole.
498
00:19:23,496 --> 00:19:25,727
That's a mole that's walking.
499
00:19:28,634 --> 00:19:30,068
Got it.
500
00:19:30,636 --> 00:19:36,371
RADIO: Now look the body
over carefully for dents or bulges.
501
00:19:42,548 --> 00:19:46,076
Have you found any bulges?
502
00:19:46,185 --> 00:19:50,350
Get a hammer and hammer it out.
503
00:19:55,494 --> 00:19:57,656
[Snoring]
504
00:20:05,538 --> 00:20:07,029
Four.
505
00:20:08,174 --> 00:20:09,870
Four!
506
00:20:14,013 --> 00:20:17,177
RADIO: Does the
body have a spare tire?
507
00:20:17,283 --> 00:20:19,047
A beaut. Look at that.
508
00:20:19,151 --> 00:20:20,710
Ooh, ooh, ooh.
509
00:20:20,820 --> 00:20:25,155
RADIO: Get a wrench
and remove the spare tire.
510
00:20:25,958 --> 00:20:28,985
I don't know. What's
the wrench going to do?
511
00:20:29,095 --> 00:20:32,862
RADIO: Now we're
ready to paint the body.
512
00:20:32,965 --> 00:20:35,525
Choose a paint-color
combination to your liking...
513
00:20:35,634 --> 00:20:39,264
Gray and green, blue and
gray, or black and green.
514
00:20:40,072 --> 00:20:42,803
Get the paint ready.
515
00:20:49,482 --> 00:20:51,644
Here we go.
516
00:20:51,751 --> 00:20:55,313
Give the body a good coat.
517
00:21:03,462 --> 00:21:06,432
[Speaking indistinctly]
518
00:21:12,638 --> 00:21:16,939
RADIO: Don't be stingy.
Use plenty of paint.
519
00:21:20,679 --> 00:21:27,552
Now, as one side dries,
paint the other side.
520
00:21:31,290 --> 00:21:33,782
[Speaking indistinctly]
521
00:21:38,364 --> 00:21:41,357
Attaboy. Attaboy.
522
00:21:42,234 --> 00:21:44,794
RADIO: Make it even all over.
523
00:21:44,904 --> 00:21:47,066
Be careful.
524
00:21:47,940 --> 00:21:51,604
Be very careful.
525
00:21:51,710 --> 00:21:56,648
Don't splash any
paint on the seat.
526
00:22:10,596 --> 00:22:12,258
Now look the body over.
527
00:22:12,364 --> 00:22:17,632
Does the body have a
soft top or a hard top?
528
00:22:21,707 --> 00:22:23,403
It's a hard top.
529
00:22:23,509 --> 00:22:26,741
RADIO: If the body has a hard
top, use a combination of colors.
530
00:22:26,846 --> 00:22:29,406
As an example, if the
body is painted black,
531
00:22:29,515 --> 00:22:32,849
paint the top green.
532
00:22:55,140 --> 00:22:58,008
Use plenty of paint.
533
00:23:02,448 --> 00:23:06,544
While the paint is drying,
check the head lamps.
534
00:23:06,652 --> 00:23:09,451
Look into the lamps.
535
00:23:15,094 --> 00:23:17,928
Now try the horn.
536
00:23:18,030 --> 00:23:19,999
[Honk]
537
00:23:21,734 --> 00:23:23,532
[Honk]
538
00:23:24,136 --> 00:23:26,662
Now, with such a
fine-looking paint job,
539
00:23:26,772 --> 00:23:29,503
we can't have any
body squeaks, can we?
540
00:23:29,608 --> 00:23:32,339
Now get some grease.
541
00:23:36,081 --> 00:23:39,848
Thoroughly
grease all the joints.
542
00:24:12,818 --> 00:24:15,481
Now that the body
is thoroughly greased,
543
00:24:15,587 --> 00:24:19,820
just to be sure it
doesn't squeak or rattle,
544
00:24:19,925 --> 00:24:23,828
jump up and down on the body.
545
00:24:34,473 --> 00:24:36,169
- Costello.
- Get out of here.
546
00:24:36,275 --> 00:24:38,767
Listen, do you mind
if I use the weights?
547
00:24:38,877 --> 00:24:39,970
Go ahead and use them.
548
00:24:40,079 --> 00:24:41,707
- Go on. Go on.
- Thank you.
549
00:24:46,051 --> 00:24:48,748
[Telephone rings]
550
00:24:50,155 --> 00:24:51,384
Excuse me.
551
00:24:51,490 --> 00:24:53,152
[Telephone rings]
552
00:24:57,062 --> 00:24:58,655
Hello?
553
00:24:58,764 --> 00:25:00,494
Yes?
554
00:25:00,599 --> 00:25:02,591
Hercules?
555
00:25:02,701 --> 00:25:03,794
He's here.
556
00:25:03,902 --> 00:25:05,734
I'll tell him. Hold on.
557
00:25:08,207 --> 00:25:09,334
- Hercules.
- Yes?
558
00:25:09,441 --> 00:25:10,739
You're wanted on the telephone.
559
00:25:10,843 --> 00:25:12,220
Would you hold
these for me, please?
560
00:25:12,244 --> 00:25:14,611
- I'd be delighted.
- Thank you.
41762
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