All language subtitles for Abbott_Costello S02E25 Fall Guy.DVDRip.NonHI.en.e-One

Hey, Abbott!

Come on, come on!

I have an appointment
to play a game of chess

with Mr. Fields, our landlord.

Come on! Will you shake a leg?

The pants!

Please, will you
press the pants?

Abbott, what are you
getting so excited about?

Your date ain't with
the girl until tonight.

So, what about it?

When I take you out with girls,
don't we always split 50/50?

Yes. You always split
the girls 50/50 with me.

That's right.

You always take the ones under
50 and give me the ones over 50.

That must be it. That's her.

Oh, boy! That's the baby! I...

Go ahead. Press the pants.

Take it easy, now.
Don't get excited.

Don't get excited. Take it easy.

- Hello.
- I want to talk to Lou Costello.

All right.

Costello!

- Yeah?
- It's for you.

Whoever it is,
tell them I'm busy.

I am pressing your panties.

Come on. Take your own messages.

Okay.

For me?

My social life.

Hello!

Is that you, Lou Costello?

Yeah, this is Lou Costello.
It ain't his brother, Pat.

Are you sure this
is Lou Costello?

I am positive this
is Lou Costello.

Hi, Lou... Hi.

Hello! Mr. Fields,
how do you do?

Yes, I'm positive
I am Lou Costello.

You don't sound
like Lou Costello.

What do you want me to
do? I mean, I'm Lou Costello.

I know who I am. I'm Costello.

I got certificates
and everything

to prove I'm Lou Costello.

Well, listen, Costello.
This is Stinky's brother.

I want you to bring me
the 5 dollars you owe me.

When he gets in, I'll tell him.

Hey, Abbott, I want to thank you

for buying me this new tie
and the shirt and the pants.

Must be Sid Fields.

- I figured it was you.
- You did?

Here's your 20 dollars.
I was only kidding.

- You're giving me 20 dollars?
- On account.

- On account of what?
- That's all I got.

That's all you got.

Well, you're going to have
more, and I'm going to have more,

because it'll take more to
pay the rent that you owe me.

What are you cooking up now?

There is going to be
the dawn of a new day

in the life of Lou Costello.

- What's going to happen?
- You are going to work.

Hey, Abbott!

- Get a load of Fields.
- What's the matter?

I've just been telling this boy

that things are going
to change around here.

I've got to have my rent,
and there's only one way...

You remember the fella
that used to live upstairs?

This fella Leo Whitcup that
was the door-to-door salesman?

Oh! Leo Whitcup. The
guy with the hiccups.

I used to call him
Whitcupper the Hiccupper.

He moved out
without paying his rent.

- So?
- That culprit.

He left the whole
room full of these things,

and you're going
out and sell them.

What are these?

- "No peddlers allowed."
- "No peddlers allowed"?

- That's right.
- We're going to sell this?

You've got to sell them.
Somebody's got to sell them.

Don't you realize there's over
50 million women in this country

who have no protection
from these imbeciles

who go door to
door peddling things?

This poor housewife,
she's in her apartment.

She's watching the television
set while she does her work.

It's a daytime serial.

Little Nell is about to be
thrown out of her house

because she can't pay her rent.

Her uncle is being
barbecued in the fireplace.

The doorbell rings.
She runs to the door.

She answered. Who
is it? It's a peddler.

One of these idiots who
comes to sell her something.

By the time she gets
back into the house,

the daytime serial is over.

She's missed the entire climax.

And what happens?
Her whole day is ruined.

Where does this lady live?

Where does she live? She
lives all over the country.

New Jersey,
Wisconsin, Mukwonago.

Everywhere. She
lives all over America.

I'm not going to go to
Muk... I can't even say it.

I'm not going to go all over
the world looking for this lady.

If she's around next
door, I'll go look for her.

It doesn't make any difference.

Where is "Mukamamama"?

What's the difference?
Mukwonago is next to Oconowomoc.

And by selling these signs,

you'll not only be
helping that housewife

to see the climax of these
wonderful daytime serials,

but you'll be helping yourself

by earning the money
to pay your room rent.

You know, Mr. Fields
has got something there.

I'm with him 100% on that.

You should take these
out, go from door to door,

and sell as many as you can.

- Yes.
- That's right.

- And you're going to help him.
- And I'm going to...

- How do you do?
- Yeah? What do you want?

I'm here to do you
a favor, a big favor.

Like what?

Like selling you one of these
"No peddlers allowed" signs.

Well, now, isn't
that just dandy?

I knew you'd go for it.

You're trying to drive

door-to-door salesmen
out of business.

- Let them starve to death.
- Why not?

They're nothing but
pests. Public nuisances.

Place one of these
here on your door,

and your troubles are all over.

I happen to be a
door-to-door salesman.

So you take this, and
my troubles will be over.

- Well, what do you want?
- How do you do, Sir?

Do you realize what it is

to have peddlers
pester you all day long?

Say, listen.

I've got one of the greatest
little gadgets here you ever saw.

Keep peddlers out of your
hair the rest of your life.

They're 50 cents
apiece or two for a dollar.

- I'll take the two for a dollar.
- Good.

- Here you are, Sir.
- You got a bargain.

You're welcome.
Two for a dollar.

"No peddlers allowed."

"No peddlers allowed."

He's in the same
business that I'm in.

What do you want?

Lady, do you ever look at
television or listen to radio?

I was just watching my favorite
daytime serial, "Little Nell,"

when you so rudely
interrupted me.

You see, lady? That's the idea.

You buy one of my "No
peddlers allowed" signs,

and never again will
you be bothered by pests.

Uh-oh... Must
have got Little Nell.

You just made me
miss the big climax!

- Why, you...
- Ah, ah, ah!

Naughty, naughty.
Don't do that, lady.

That's on me.

What's the idea of
leaning on my doorbell?

You annoy me.

You're going to love me
when you find out I'm selling

"No peddlers allowed" signs.

You place one of
these on your door,

you're rid of the pests forever.

What do you say? This
will make a hit with you.

This will make a hit with you.

- Well, what do you want?
- How do you do, Sir?

I would like to make you
a very contented man.

How would you like to buy one of
my "No peddlers allowed" signs?

I'm not interested, so scram.

Now hold it. Hold
it just a minute.

I'm not so easily discouraged.

I got to sell one of
these before I go.

And you must buy
one, if you don't mind.

Get lost!

Look at this. What?

Get broken over the head.
They took a frying pan...

Pull the tie.

At least I'm a gentleman
like anybody else.

You got no right.

You!

Come on. I defy you to come out.

Touch my doorbell again,
and I'll break your neck.

- I'm sorry.
- Now beat it!

Mister, open the door.

Abbott!

Hey, Abbott!

What's the matter?
What are you doing now?

My tie caught in the door.

That's no way to
sell these signs.

I know that.

Well, go ahead and get
away. What's the matter with it?

Listen, this guy's
tough in here.

- He told me to keep away.
- Ring the bell.

He'll open the door, and
you can get your tie out.

- Don't ring the bell!
- Why?

He'll open up the door. He'll
smear me all over the joint.

Why don't you stop?
With me alongside of you?

What are you worrying
about? Here, I'll ring the bell.

Don't!

Don't ring the bell!

You're still here? This
ought to take care of you.

That was close.

Excuse me. Can you tell
me where Hoke Street is?

It's about three
blocks down that way.

I got to get back to work.

Sorry I ripped the new
pants you bought me.

You should be sorry.

What do you think, I find
these things in the street?

That's where we
landed, didn't we?

- Yeah.
- Abbott! Ow!

Hold still. Come in.

Oh, hello, Mr. Fields.

Well, boys, I see it
didn't go so good, huh?

No. Not so good.

- Well, I got another idea.
- Uh-oh.

No. No more of your ideas.

Your idea... It's worse
than Abbott's. No more.

Wait a minute. Hold still.

- Calm down.
- Hey, hey!

Can you hold still a minute?

Now, be careful. You've
got to pay your rent.

And this is a way to
get some finances.

Well, what?

You know those two
boys that moved in upstairs

in that vacant room?

- You know, Steve and Tom?
- Yes.

Well, they're in trouble again.

They're in trouble.

What are you laughing at?

- Ow!
- Take it easy.

Will you hold still?

Hey, give them those
signs, "No peddlers."

- Let them sell them.
- Never mind.

This is a real kind of trouble.
They've got a problem this time.

You see, these two guys
are stuck on two sisters.

Now, these sisters have
a very eccentric old man.

Their father is a collector
of rare birds and guns.

He also has collected a rare
hatred for Steve and Tom. Why?

'Cause these two guys
are a couple of tough guys,

and he won't let them get
within a mile of his house

or his daughters.

- That's where you boys come in.
- Wait a minute.

I'm a little leery
about those two guys.

- They play too rough.
- They're perfect gentlemen.

- Mr. Fields...
- What?

Please get out while
he's sewing up the pants.

- Yeah, all right.
- Ow!

- Take it easy.
- Hold still, then.

We are not going to do
anything else. Now go.

They may give you boys
as much as 100 dollars

if you boys will
go to the house,

decoy the two girls
out of the house,

away from the old man,

so these two boys,
Tom and Steve,

can step in and
have a date with them.

Wait a minute. Might
have something there.

The boys promised to
meet me right after lunch.

Okay if I bring them down here?

- Sure. It's okay.
- All right, boys.

Remember, you'll get 50
dollars apiece, and I'll get my rent.

Okay, Mr. Fields.

We'd be very glad to
accommodate you and the boys

at 50 dollars apiece.

Ow!

Come in, come in.

Abbott... Where's Abbott?

Abbott? He's over here.
He ripped his pants, too.

- Oh. Here's the boys.
- Hi, fellas.

They're just busting to help
us outsmart old man Thomas.

Just say we're busted
and forget the whole thing.

Now, wait a minute.

Fields said you would help us,

and you're not going
to back out on us now.

You boys have got
to help them out,

and you're the
only ones who can.

You see, old man Thomas,

the father of the two
girls these fellas go for,

doesn't know
Abbott and Costello.

So you get into the
house, get the girls out,

and the boys will step
in and have a date.

I got it.

What you want us to do is
go to the house, meet the girls,

bring the girls out,

put them in your
hands, we're through.

- And you get the money.
- That's right.

We'll be back in a
half an hour with a car.

June and Marie will
be expecting you.

And just to make sure

you make a good impression
on old man Thomas,

talk birds to him.

- He's nuts on the subject.
- He likes birds?

No. Not like that.

Now, boys, I'm going to give
you a little something on account.

Costello, I'm giving you 20.

- Abbott, I'm giving you 20, too.
- Good.

Hold it. Hold it.

You're giving me
20. You give him 22?

How come you give
him two dollars more...

I didn't.

I gave Abbott 20,
and I gave you 20, too.

- You did?
- Yeah.

- Certainly.
- Gave me 22.

Owe you another dollar.

It's all straightened out now.
You going to pick them up?

- Be back in a half an hour.
- Okay.

- Let's go.
- So long, fellas.

- Hey, wait a minute.
- I just thought of something.

You're thinking the
same thing, I'll bet.

- Yes, Sir.
- The birds?

The birds.

You've got to know
something about birds

to talk to the old
man intelligently.

Do you know
anything about birds?

I think I know enough
to get away with it.

- Yeah, I know a lot about birds.
- Do you know what a mugwump is?

- A mugwump?
- Yeah.

Oh, yes.

A mugwump is a little bird
that sits on a fence all day.

A mugwump sits
on a fence all day?

Yes.

And his mug hangs
over one side of the fence,

and his wump
hangs over the other.

Well!

Now, children, now
we have something.

Here is our new antenna,
made in the shape of a bird cage.

Of course it's quaint,
but I know it'll work.

Isn't it a wonder?

The old one up on
the roof, my dear...

That's the end of that.
That absolutely must go.

Henry Thomas, have
you gone out of your mind?

What's wrong with the
antenna we've got on the roof?

My darling, I can explain
that in exactly two words.

It stinks.

We get nothing but
snow, snow, snow

and a light of
frightful distortions.

Oh, but, Daddy, you can't put
this thing up there this afternoon.

Is that so? And why not?

Because there's a man
up on the roof repairing it,

and you'd just get in his way.

Besides, Daddy,
Mr. Abbott and Mr. Costello...

The gentlemen we
met at the lecture...

Are calling on us,

and you've got to stay
here and meet them, Daddy.

You'd look kind of silly

trying to say hello
to them from the roof.

Will I ever win a
decision around here?

All right. All right.
All right. All right.

I'll put the thing aside
until after they've gone.

After all, any inconvenience
is quite all right with me,

as long as it can get my two
dizzy daughters' minds occupied

with something besides those
two horrible, worthless fellas...

That Tom and that Steve.

Oh, Father, you'll just be crazy

about Mr. Abbott
and Mr. Costello.

- Is that so?
- They're so intelligent.

The kind that are
interested in finer things,

like arts and sciences.

Oh, dear.

And, Daddy, their hobby is
the study of dogs and birds.

Birds? Oh!

Birds...

Our little feathered
friends. Well, well, well.

We really ought to get along
wonderfully, wonderfully.

- Excuse me, children.
- Oh, Daddy.

- Oh, pardon me, dear.
- Henry, be careful.

I'll just put it right
out here on the porch.

There's the Thomas house.

Now go in and do your stuff,

and be sure you don't
fall down on the job.

Don't worry about us.
We'll deliver the girls.

You'd better. Or else things
could get very rough for you.

I'm not worried
about you, Abbott,

but this guy ain't got the
brains of a 5-year-old child.

Yeah, but look at the
difference in our ages.

Thank goodness we
got your father out of here

before your friends came.

I'd hate to have him disgrace us

in front of Mr. Abbott
and Mr. Costello.

Oh, yeah, especially
if he gets started

on one those cockeyed
discussions of birds.

Don't worry.

I'll keep him out of here

until you girls have a chance to
make your friends feel at home.

You don't know how much
this date means to us, Mother.

I know, dear.

Mother doesn't know
it, but she's on our side.

Come on. We'd
better let the decoys in.

Bet these girls are
a couple of beauts.

Well, we'll see.

Enough of that nonsense.
We're here on business.

How do you do?

June and Marie
Thomas, I presume?

Why, yes.

But when Steve described
you over the phone,

we didn't expect such a
pleasant surprise as this.

I should say not.

You're no monster. You're cute.

Monster?

Come on. Let's go over
here and get acquainted.

Excuse us, please?

- Yes.
- Why, certainly.

Come on, girls. Get your hats.

We've got to deliver
you to Tom and Steve.

Abbott, don't be so impatient.

All of a sudden, I'm
not in such a hurry.

- That makes two of us.
- Will you shut up?

Bud and I will go have
a little chat over here.

No. We can't afford to chat now.

I don't want the
boys to get impatient.

- They'll keep. Come on.
- Now, wait a minute now.

Come on, cutie pie. Sit down.

After you, June.

Gorgeous.

You have such soulful eyes.
They do something to me.

You know, I think you're
an awful lot nicer than Tom.

I think you are, too.

I'd like to get really
acquainted with you.

The real you.

Well...

Really...

I got to deliver you to Tom.

Never mind Tom. He can wait.

Don't you like girls?

I like them very much.
But I didn't know that...

Excuse me.

Well, then, why don't
you sit close to me?

I'm sitting as close
as I want to sit.

- Please.
- Come on.

Please. I mean,
after all, I don't...

Well...

It takes you a long
time to get warmed up.

I know, but I mean,
after all, I don't want to...

It takes you a long
time to get warmed up.

But once you do,
you're a ball of fire.

Ow!

Ow!

Lou, come on, please.
Tom and Steve are waiting.

You're burning me up now.

I'm burning you up?
I was just burnt up.

Lou wants to stay here and hold
hands with me, don't you, Lou?

What's all these strange
sounds going on here,

these strange noises?

Did you hear me?
"Ow!" Did you hear that?

Dad, Mother, I'd
like you to meet

Mr. Abbott and Mr. Costello.

Well, gentlemen, this
is a pleasure indeed.

- Mr. Costello, Mr. Abbott.
- How do you do?

Well, Mother,
isn't it wonderful?

Two intelligent young men
here to visit our daughters.

Yes, the girls told us that you
were very intelligent young men.

I was teaching your daughter
here all about bird calls.

Bless your heart.

Then you must be the one
that knows all about birds.

- An ornithologist.
- A what?

- An ornithologist.
- Sure. First-class.

You do know all about the birds,
the lovely, feathered creatures?

Oh, I love birds. What's
your favorite bird?

- Well...
- What's your favorite bird call?

Well, I think the sweetest
call in all bird land

is the call of the whippoorwill.

The whippoorwill?

I like the call of
my bird better.

Is that so? Which
specie is that?

The whippoorwon't.

Whippoorwon't?
I never heard of it.

Whippoorwon't...

What's the difference

between the whippoorwill
and the whippoorwon't?

Well, the whippoorwill
and the whippoorwon't.

Won't what?

Yeah, the whippoorwon't
what. That's it.

You know, really,
you're a quaint chap.

I must tell the boys down at
the bird watchers club all about it.

You remind me of a little bird.

- Oh, dear. Oh, dear.
- A little cuckoo.

Will you...

What do you got here?

This, gentlemen,
is my own creation.

It is a new antenna.

I made it all with my own hands,

and I made it in the
form of a bird cage.

Isn't that beautiful?
What do you do with it?

You know, when
this is installed,

I will get the clearest pictures
in this whole neighborhood.

It must be adjusted
to the roof, you see?

Must be very firmly
anchored to the roof.

The television
ain't working now?

Well, yes, but this
is a very superior set,

and I'm quite sure
that the pictures

will be absolutely beautiful.

And at 2:30 this
afternoon, gentlemen,

there's going to be a
wonderful bird program.

No, Daddy, please.

A little bird program
about little birds?

- Yes.
- I want to see it, Abbott.

You see? I knew Mr. Costello
would love to see that, wouldn't you?

But how can you see that program

until you have your
antenna set up?

Yes.

Oh, dear.

Well, now, isn't that
silly of me? Of course.

Well, If you'll excuse
me, gentlemen.

Very nice to have known you. I
must climb up on the roof now.

Just a minute, just a minute,
just a minute, just a minute.

We've got to get out.

Excuse me, Abbott. Be debonair.

Be "chivalriles"...
"chivalrolous" or something.

If you don't mind, Sir, do
you mind if Abbott and I

help you put this
antenna up on the roof?

Oh, you're too kind, really.

I mean, after all, we're
much younger than you are.

And I think that high
altitudely up there

might make you a little
dizzy, and I think we can do it.

Well, thank you very much.

Just a little help might...
I'll tell you what I'll do.

I'll... If you'll be kind
enough to take the antenna,

I will get you the
tools and the ladder.

- Thank you, Sir.
- Let's get out of here!

I'm going to listen to
a little bird program.

Come on!

Look out. Look out.

I'll fix it. I'll fix
that outside.

Wait. Look out.
Get your hand off.

Put on a hat.

- Give me a hand, can't you?
- Wait a minute.

What are you guys doing
up here with that bird cage?

It's no bird cage.

We're putting up an
antenna for Mr. Thomas.

Well, keep out of
my way while I work.

- All right.
- And be careful where you walk.

There's some weak
spots in this roof.

- Dangerous, huh?
- Yeah.

Well, thanks for the tip.
My name is Bud Abbott.

Glad to know you.

What are you laughing
at? What's so funny?

Come on. Let's
put it up over here.

If Abbott and Costello don't
bring the girls out pretty soon,

I'm going in after them.

If they're double-crossing us,

we'll mop up the
place with them.

Right. We'll give
them 10 minutes more.

Come on. Get up on
here and give me a hand.

- Hold on.
- Get that barrel there.

Hurry up.

- Can you make it?
- Yeah.

Thataboy.

Take it easy, now.

Your idea, you know, not mine.

Wait, wait, wait.

Hold on to that.
Lift it up a little.

Now, take it easy.
Now, wait a minute.

Oh...

- Don't knock the hammer...
- Wait a minute! Please!

I want to get some
solid spots here.

What are you knocking
out the bricks for?

Hold still.

Now, wait a minute. Hold still!

Will you...?

Now, hold it tight. Thataboy.

Hold it tight.

Lou...

Lou! Where did you go to now?

Lou! Come on.

Lou!

Oh, no.

Come on. Get up out of there.

I'm stuck. I can't get up.

- Huh?
- I'm stuck. I can't get up.

Come here. I'll give you a hand.

This tar is terrible.
Now, wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I'll help you.

Thanks.

Get me up, will you?

I'm sorry. It was
only an accident.

One more accident,
and I'm going to get mad.

Hey, what are them jokers
doing playing around on the roof?

I don't know, but we're going
up there and take care of them.

Let's go.

Henry, for heaven's sake, relax.

- No.
- Sit down.

My, my, my.

I hope they get
that antenna fixed

so we won't miss
that bird program.

So do I.

So Maria and I can have
the boys to ourselves.

But that bird program... I've
been looking forward to that.

Oh, my. What's
taking them so long?

Abbott, I'll chop
a hole on the roof,

and we'll anchor it here.

I hope you're right, boy.

Ow! Hey!

What's the idea of
double-crossing us?

Why didn't you
bring the girls out?

What are you guys
playing around up here for?

Look out, Abbott.

Hey! What's going on?

What's that?

He hit the roof and disappeared.

He's probably
down in the cellar!

I'll get my gun.

Oh, no! Henry, no!

Mother, look!

A perfect specimen
of the homowhatapus.

I must shoot that and stuff it.

- Don't shoot, Henry!
- Daddy, stop!