All language subtitles for Abbott_Costello S02E17 The Tax Return.DVDRip.HI.en.e-One

[Applause]

Heeeeey, Abbott!

Hmm.

Now, this sounds good.

"Veal cutlet parmesan.

Select veal cutlet,
about one inch thick.

Pound both sides
with dull knife.

While pounding, sprinkle
with grated Parmesan cheese.

Dip in beaten egg,
then in breadcrumbs.

Sauté in butter
until nicely brown.

Garnish with chopped
parsley and lemon slices."

- Doesn't that sound good?
- Delicious.

- Would you like that?
- I'd love that.

There you are. Have a good time.

Don't be a hog, please.

You don't want to get indigestion
like you've had before, do you?

- No.
- That's good.

- Oh, it's delicious.
- I thought you'd like it.

- This is the best yet.
- Yeah.

Especially when it's pounded
on both sides with the knife.

That's it.

If you didn't do it, it
wouldn't taste like this.

- This is very tender.
- That's because it's veal.

Listen, if I chew it real well,
can I have some dessert?

Dessert, dessert,
dessert, dessert...

All I've got left
is bread pudding.

What do you think I
am? A peasant? I eat.

- Give me something good.
- That's all I've got left.

Well, then, I'll make this do.

Are you satisfied?

Shows you how
I look out for you.

Oh, boy.

I give you all the
delicacies, treat you nice.

- You good and full?
- Just hit the spot.

See? All I'll eat for myself is
a broken-down ham sandwich.

I got to look out for my pals.

That's a real ham
sandwich. Can I have some?

Here. See what
you can do with that.

That is a real ham
sandwich, too, ain't it?

Oh, yeah. Yeah, that's good.

- Can I have the fat maybe?
- Hmm?

The fat.

If there's any left,
I'll give it to you.

A little butter you could scrape
off it, maybe, and give me some?

Butter?

What are you looking for?

Pick up that paper.

Costello, pick up that paper.

Do what the man tells you.

Don't you know that the city spends
thousands of dollars every year

to keep these public parks clean
so the taxpayer can enjoy them?

Don't you know that?

- I'm a taxpayer.
- Shut up.

I'm a taxpayer, and I can
prove it. I got it right here.

See what it says there?

"Department of Internal
Revenue, Income Tax Division.

Lou Costello"... that's "Mr.
Lou Costello," they put on.

- That's me.
- Yeah...

Aw!

You didn't get one!

Hey, you never told me you
got a letter from the government.

- How come?
- I got it right here.

- Oh. Did you read it?
- No. I'm afraid to read it.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. You
shouldn't read my mail.

It's got my name on it.

You're not supposed
to read my mail.

If it's bad news,
get it over with.

What's the use of pretending?

- Enjoying the sandwich, ain't you?
- Yeah. Delicious.

"Enclosed check covering
your overpayment of income tax,

13 cents plus interest."

Mmm! Let me see.

You're not going
to see this check.

All right. I give you
the best of everything.

If it's me, it's
just the opposite.

You didn't give me no
sandwich when I asked you.

I'll give you...

Ah, ah, ah, ah. Just a minute.

Hello, Mr. Fields. We
thought you were sleeping.

- We didn't want to wake you.
- Oh?

Mr. Fields, I'm terribly sorry
we have no money for the rent,

but we were looking for a job.

You've got a job.

- We have?
- You certainly have.

Here.

You're going to pass
out these handbills.

If we don't pass out first.

You pass out every
single one of them.

Now, remember, the printing
bill on these is almost $50,

so don't waste them.

- Come on. Bring them along.
- I got a job.

- Come on.
- Sit down, relax.

And remember, I'm
going to check up on you

to see that you don't
waste any of them.

I'm telling you, Lou,
Mr. Fields is not going to like it

when he finds out that
you lost all those handbills.

Look, Abbott, all I did
was leave them on the curb.

When I came back,
they were gone.

Sure. Possibly the trash man
came along and picked them up.

I wouldn't want to
be in your boots.

- I got an idea.
- No.

Mm-hmm.

Let us make up some
of those handbills.

Now, you heard Mr. Fields
say those bills cost $50 to make.

Where are we going to get $50?

We can still make up
some of them handbills.

How?

With that little printing
press I got for Christmas.

Don't tell me
that's still working.

Sure. I got my hand
caught in it a couple times.

Come on.

Here it is, Abbott.

Isn't that a little gem?

But what are you
going to print on, Lou?

You need paper, don't
you? And paper costs money.

Well, how much money you got?

I don't know.

There's $0.75, $1...

$1.60.

$1.60.

How are you fixed?

All I got is that
check for 13 cents.

Well, come on. Let's use it.
Every little bit counts, you know?

Wait a minute. The
lights ain't right here.

What's wrong with them?

Listen, if they say
they owe you 13 cents,

13 cents is what they owe you.

- Come on.
- But, I mean, it's...

Put it all together, Lou.

If you want to buy
paper, we're in a hurry.

What's the matter?

What are you looking at?

13 cents, Lou.

- Abbott.
- What?

Look at it.

Look, look, look, look.

13 cents. Look at the check.

It says... It's...

$1,000,000.13.

I don't care about the 13 cents.

Boy, am I... Am I rich?

- A million dollars.
- What are we going to do now?

A million dollars.

Hey!

Hey, you two, come back here!

Yes. What is it?

I got a refund check here,
and I think you made a mistake.

This office doesn't
make any mistakes.

Are you sure?

I'm positive.

Our bookkeeping is done by
machines, and they're infallible.

You mean this is the correct
amount that I got coming?

The amount stated on that check
is the correct amount due you.

Now, if you'll pardon me.

Well, let's get going.

- Where are you going?
- To the bank.

I want to see if this
check's any good.

Come on.

Did you locate that error?

Not yet. It isn't too important.
It's only a million dollars.

I'd like to get this
check cashed, Sir.

Yes, Sir. How would you want it?

Oh, nickels, dimes, quarters.

Are you kidding? This
is for a million dollars.

And don't forget the 13 cents.

Just... Just a moment.

Now, this is ridiculous. That
money don't belong to you.

You heard what the
man said at the tax office.

Now, whoever heard of
a million dollars interest

on 13 cents?

Can I help it if I make
a wise investment?

Yes, Sir, I'm Mr. Costello.

This is quite a large check.
Surely you don't want it all in cash.

I sure do.

This is the first time I'll ever see
a million dollars all at one time.

Well, it's not customary
to cash a check of this size.

I suggest that you
open an account with us.

Just a minute.

You mean to tell me you haven't
got a million dollars in this bank?

Why, of course we have
a million dollars, yes.

Well, then, here. Cash that
check, because it's good.

Uncle Sam signed it.

Yes, I presume
it's good, naturally.

Well, then, give me
the million dollars.

We want to take a look at it.

I suppose you
have identification.

Certainly I got identification.

I got plenty of identification.

Abbott, tell him who I am.

That's Lou Costello.

Oh, well, then, I...

Hey, wait a minute. Who's
going to identify Mr. Abbott?

Mr. Smith, I will.

This is Bud Abbott.
So help me, that's him.

All right.

Mr. Costello.

He wants other
kind of identification.

Maybe you have some kind of a...

I do, I do.

No, I got a mole. I got
a mole on my chest.

No, he don't mean that kind.

Maybe a laundry
mark on your clothing.

Yes. That's an idea.

Possibly on your shirt.

- Shirt?
- Look on your shirt.

- Some... Some kind of mark.
- I don't got too much time to waste.

Yeah, but Mr. Costello,
this mark is not legible.

Now, perhaps you'll
have some other garment.

Pardon me. Can you tell me
where the cashier's cage is?

Yes, ma'am. Three windows down.

[Screams]

See if you can bring up
any marks on the upper...

[Speaking indistinctly]

But we shall see.

This whole thing
is taxing my nerves.

Can they do that?
Can they do what?

- Tax your nerves.
- What else are you doing?!

Who, me? You said they
were taxing your nerves, not me.

- I didn't tax nobody.
- You're taxing my nerves.

How can I tax your
nerves, Abbott?

I don't even work for the
Internal Revenue Department.

You don't have to work
for them to tax my nerves.

COSTELLO: You can't tax nobody!

ABBOTT: I don't mind the federal
tax. I don't mind the state tax.

- What about the social security?
- Will you stop taxing my nerves?

I'm not ta... To what extent?

Any extent!

You leave my nerves alone.

They're more precious
to me than money.

- Is that so?
- Yeah.

Gentlemen, gentlemen, I'm convinced
that you are Abbott and Costello.

Now, how do you want this money?

I want it in hundred-dollar
bills, stacked like this,

so I can walk out...

- Hey, Abbott.
- What?

Carrying all this money...
Does it make me conspicuous?

I wonder why
everybody's looking at me.

Come on.

My, oh, my, oh, my.

- 13, 14, 15...
- You know what, Abbott?

I still can't figure out how
those handbills got there.

16, 17, 18...

I distinctly remember
leaving them out on the curb.

19, 20.

10,000 brand-new $100 bills,

and you're worrying
about ordinary handbills.

Still can't figure it out.

Hey, Abbott, come here.

There's one of those guys
that followed us from the bank.

He's in the alley.

Yeah. That looks
like one of them.

I bet he's waiting out
there till it gets dark,

comes in here,
and cut our throats.

We should never have
brought all that money

to the apartment here with us.

Let's bring it back to the bank.

Oh, you dope, the bank
is closed. It's after 3:00.

I'll think of something.

I got an idea.
Hey, listen to this.

Listen, we'll take this suitcase
full of money and scram.

Is there any particular place
you'd like to have your throat cut?

Yes. Any place
but around the neck.

We take an empty
suitcase. We go out.

When they stick us up, they'll
think they've got the money.

- Is that good?
- Well, certainly it's good.

Then we'll come back

and get the suitcase
with the real money in it.

That's good.

- I'll get the other suitcase.
- Get the other suitcase.

That's the one. There you are.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

We got to put something
in here to make it heavy.

Look, how about using
Mr. Fields' handbills?

They're good and heavy.

- Good, good, good, good.
- Put them in.

Hey, Abbott, he's still there.

Good. Now, they're
bound to follow us.

Now, pretend you
don't even notice them.

- You understand?
- Yeah.

Now, go on. Take ahold of that.

Wait a minute.

Are we going to leave the bag
with all the money right there?

Certainly. That's
the safest place for it.

Now, if you was
a perfect stranger

and you come in here
looking for a million dollars,

what is the first
thing you'd do?

Have my head examined.

Come on. Now, don't
pay any attention to them.

Don't worry about that.

Now, make that bag look heavy.

You know, you're supposed to
have a million dollars in there.

Are you kidding?
This thing is heavy.

Take it easy.

I never knew that a million
dollars could be this heavy.

Mm-hmm?

Say, Mr. Fields, do Abbott and
Costello owe you any back rent?

Only about six
months' back rent. Why?

Well, I just saw them
leave the apartment building

with a big suitcase.

What?

They smuggle their
belongings out of here,

I'll have the law on them.

Mr. Fields!

- Mr. Fields, come here!
- Huh?

Counterfeiters.

I knew those guys
weren't on the level.

I knew it the day I met them.

Why, this is unbelievable.

Can you imagine
this? Look at this.

Boy, oh, boy, will I get a
promotion for uncovering this.

Look at this layout...

Printing press, phony
money... Everything.

I can't understand it.

Oh, I knew they were a
couple of shrewd ones.

Pretending to be
broke to avoid suspicion.

Why, they're probably the
head of a nationwide ring.

I'll go to your apartment,
telephone the lieutenant.

Oh, boy.

- They're still following us.
- They are?

- I got to go back.
- What for?

I got to go back and
get my rabbit's foot.

Without that, something
terrible is liable to happen.

- That's ridiculous.
- I'll be right back.

Well, as soon as the
lieutenant comes in,

have him phone
me at this number.

It's important.

Oh. It's still there,
my rabbit's foot.

I never go no place without you.

Hey, Abbott!

- Got my rabbit's foot.
- Fine.

With all this running around,
we've probably lost those guys now.

Well, let's stick around here.
We'll wait for them to catch up.

- Here they come.
- I see them.

Lou, you want me to carry
that money around for a while?

No. I get great pride in carrying
this large amount of money around.

Wouldn't people be
surprised if they knew

that we had a million dollars
in brand-new, crisp, $100 bills

in that suitcase?

Yeah.

- And you know something else?
- What?

It would be terrible
if we were held up.

Yeah. We haven't even got
a gun to protect ourselves.

- We would be defenseless.
- Yeah.

- We'd better get out of here.
- It's only money, money, money.

There's something phony
here. This looks too easy.

- What's the matter?
- Hey, I think we lost them again.

Huh? Well, I guess we did.

You know this bag is heavier
than it was when we left?

You're getting weaker.

- Think so?
- Certainly.

Shh. Here they come. Quiet.

- Hey, Abbott...
- Quiet.

- How do you do?
- How do you do, sirs?

- Have you got a match?
- Yeah, sure.

Thanks kindly.

Abbott.

Do you mind...

Do you mind holding
this for a minute?

- Abbott...
- Sure.

Thank you, Sir. Thank you.

Hey, you forgot your bag.

Oh, yes, yes, I did, didn't I?

So sorry.

Thank you. You two guys
are outstanding gentlemen.

What's the big idea? We
had our hands on the money.

Are you kidding?

Couldn't you see they
wanted us to take that bag?

What do you mean?

That was just a gag

to get us away from the place
where the money really is.

Come on.

Hey.

I don't get it. Maybe those guys
don't want the money after all.

- They sure almost got it.
- What do you mean?

- I got a confession to make.
- Well, give.

Abbott, when I went
back to get my rabbit's foot,

I got the bags mixed up.

In this bag is the real money.

- This is the real money?
- Yeah.

Come on, come on,
come on, come on.

This ain't no
mistake, Lieutenant.

I know phony
money when I see it.

And I even found the
printing press they made it on.

Okay. But I'm warning you,

if this is another one
of your pipe dreams,

so help me, I'll have you
busted clear off the force.

Yes, Sir. Yes, Sir.

Of all the foolish things.

You came darn near
giving away a million dollars.

I'll hide it this time.

[Knocking on door]

- Uh-oh.
- Somebody at the door now.

All right. Where is it?

W-We don't know what he's
looking for, do we, Abbott?

We don't know what...
What are you looking for?

- You know what I'm looking for.
- You looking for a room?

Where is it?

I'm not going to tell
him it's in the closet.

Hey, there's somebody coming.

Get in there.

Better keep my eye on this
evidence till the lieutenant gets here.

Aah!

Did you say something?

No. Why?

I don't know. I thought I
heard you say something.

All right, come
on! Get over here!

Come here!

Keep him covered.

Oh!

- You got me!
- Oh!

- Hey!
- Hey!

Oh!

[Telephone rings]

Hello.

Oh, yeah? You did?

We got the million
dollars in cash right here.

Yes, sirree.

Okay.

- Well, what was it?
- The tax office.

They... They sent me the
million dollars by mistake.

Didn't I tell you? All
this trouble for nothing.

You don't have to
worry about nothing.

They're sending up a
guy right away to pick it up.

Well, easy come, easy go.

I'd better call the police

and have them pick
up these two mugs.

Okay.

Need more exercise.

Give me the police.

Why did you do that?

[Knocking at the door]

- How do you do, Sir?
- Hello.

I'm from the tax office.
I came for the money.

Oh. Boy, am I glad you got
here. Glad to get rid of that.

- Thank you, Sir.
- You're welcome.

They have some funny-looking guys
working in that Revenue Department.

Mr. Costello,

we're from the Department
of Internal Revenue.

We've come to collect
the money overpaid you.

- What?!
- Hey, just a minute.

The man was here
already and took the money.

Mr. Costello, we're
ready to overlook the fact

that you obtained
a million dollars

from the United States
Government illegally.

But it's the truth. A man was
here and took the money out.

You boys better
come along with us.

Who are these men?

We're just a couple
of friends of his.

Yeah. We'll wait here.

All right. Get them
along, boys. Come on.

Come on, all of you.

What are you doing
with all that money?

Counting it.

Where did you get this?

A very fine gentleman
gave it to me right in there.

- Please, can I keep some of it?
- Come on.

You're making a terrible
mistake, gentlemen.

You'll hear from our attorneys.

If you have an attorney, you'd
better have them stand by.

Hey, that's the man
I gave the money to.

Internal Revenue.

We found him in the alley with
a small suitcase full of money.

Take him along.

And those two men, too.

Well, your story
seems to check, all right.

May have to call on you later.

These guys never make mistakes.

There they are.

Hey, what are we running
for? We didn't do anything.

Well, we must have
been doing something,

or they wouldn't be chasing us.

MIKE: Open up, you guys.

Open up, or I'll bust it in.

All right. Where are
your counterfeiters?

They're holed up
inside, Lieutenant.

But I've got the
evidence right here...

A whole suitcase full
of their phony money.

There's the printing press!

We've got all the dope on them.

I don't think they ever
could pass this stuff.

It says, "New low rates
at Fields Apartments.

Thoroughly modern."

But, Lieutenant...

I hope you realize that
these two gentlemen

can have you kicked off the
force if they care to press charges.

Oh, you two wouldn't do
anything to me, would you?

Oh, you don't think
we would, huh?

Well, we would
entertain a proposition.

Oh, well, I'll apologize.
I'll... I'll do anything.

Just name it.

- Just name it, Mike?
- Sure.

My, oh, my. Let me see.

I'll tell you what, Mike.

I'd like to kick you right
in the seat of your pants

at the corner of Broadway
and Fifth at high noon.

Is it a deal?

It's a deal.

- Wait a minute, Abbott.
- What?

What time you got?

One minute till 12:00.

One minute till 12:00.
How do you like that?

The guy is right on
time, and there he is.

Come on.