All language subtitles for Abbott_Costello S02E13 Car Trouble.DVDRip.HI.en.e-One

[Applause]

Hey, Abbott!

[Knocking on door]

Come in.

- Oh, hello, Mr. Fields.
- Good morning, Abbott.

Where's that deadwood
pal of yours... Costello?

Out planting birdseed so
he can raise canaries again?

No, no, he's given
that up a week ago.

He's off checking up
his cold with the doctor.

- Hey.
- What?

I didn't know you
boys were bookworms.

Mnh-mnh, not me.

Costello buys up all these
magazines and papers.

He's checking up on
these here contests.

- Contests?
- Yeah.

"Win $1 million in prizes

by sending in the best original
slogan for Uncle's Ant Paste,

the only ant paste containing
snazafrezium wooshempoof."

Is Costello dumb enough

to think that he can win
one of these contests?

One of them?

He's entered 40 of them.

Here's some of the
things he expects to win.

Why, there's everything on
here from a platinum pogo stick

to a hand-embroidered
hot-water bottle.

Oh, he's nuts.

Try and tell that to him.

Well, you tell him
when he comes in

that the guy in the bike shop
wants to see him about his bicycle.

What's the matter with you?

I just wanted to see what
a sucker really looks like.

Why didn't you say so? I'll
show you. There you are.

Idiot!

What did the doctor
say about your cold?

- He said it was all better.
- Good.

Then he arrested your cold?

He didn't arrest me.
He just fixed my cold.

He sprayed the...

So, the cold is arrested.

What do you mean? The
doctor didn't have me arrested...

The doctor said your
cold was arrested.

If it wasn't arrested,
you'd be in the hospital.

I wouldn't be in the hospital
if I was arrested. I'd be in jail.

No, no, no.

In other words, your
cold was restrained.

You're on the road to recovery.

Well, why don't you say that in
the first place instead of using

all that other kind of stuff
about arresting me for a cold.

What do you got here?

Those magazines...
"Zowie" and "Zip."

- "Zowie" and "Zip."
- Get a load of the ad in "Zip."

Get this... "Win a brand-new,
reconditioned foreign car.

Own a beautiful Edam automobile
by writing in 25 words or more...

Why you like Jeepers
Creepers Canned Baby Food."

Jeepers Creepers
Canned Baby Food.

What's wrong with that?

What do you know about
Jeepers Creepers Baby Food?

I was a baby.

Why don't you grow up?

What, and miss all the fun?

What do you remember from
when you were a baby? Coconuts?

Just a minute, Abbott.

You know they feed
coconuts to monkeys.

- See? You're catching on.
- Well...

What do you have to say to them?

Well, all you got to do
is you write to the guy,

the head of the contest, see?

You write to the head of the
contest of Jeepers Creepers.

So?

And all you do is get
100 of these tin metal cans

and you rip off the strips
and you send in 100 strips.

- 100 strips from...
- Jeepers Creepers.

That means 100 c...

Where are you going to
get 100 strips from 100 cans?

- Oh, I took care of that.
- You did?

Oh, yes.

[Knocking on door]

Come in.

Oh, no.

Here's the stuff.

- Here's your order, Mr. Costello.
- Thank you.

Ohh!

Here it is.

Jeepers Creepers Baby Food.

- That's something, ain't it?
- You got all this stuff, huh?

So, I got to show
you this stuff now.

Here, you take a can.

Yeah? What do you do?

Now, take the key off
and unwind the silver...

The strip, the strip around it.

- Yeah, wait a minute.
- Then we're in business.

- In business.
- Yeah.

Hey, wait a minute. Let
me ask you something.

What?

What happens after
you get these open?

What do you do with the food?

- We'll eat it.
- Huh?

We eat it.

Not me, brother. I
don't want no ulcers.

You'll get no ulcers off of baby
food. Baby food is a wonderful thing.

Here, you open them all up
and I'll go out and get something

and we'll put the food in it.

All right.

What kind of baby
food, baby food?

Hey, I got one open.

You broke it off.

- That's no good that way, Abbott.
- How?

- You got to have the whole strip.
- Ohh.

- Ohh.
- All right, take it easy.

Don't you know
anything about contests?

Take it easy. You've got plenty.

Let's open them up now.

- Open up the whole silver strip.
- Hmm?

You got to do that
nice, just keep turning...

Oh, these things are no good.

Oh, yes, they are.
I'm getting mine good.

Look at mine. I'm getting mine.

Oop! That one broke, too.

By the time a baby got
one of these cans open,

it would starve to death.

Oh, I broke another one,
myself. I'll get this fixed up.

Don't go away.
I'll get something.

Baby food!

Look, Abbott, stop that. You're
going to keep breaking them.

I got to keep these
here silver strips.

Back up. Back up.
I'll show you how...

Take it easy. Take it easy.

Don't worry about me.
Just back up, Abbott.

Boo-doo, do-dee-dee-dee, dee.

See, Abbott? That was easy.

We of the Jeepers
Creepers Company

are mighty proud
of you, Mr. Costello.

Out of 10 million
testimonials sent in,

yours was by far the best.

You must be a man of letters.

Oh, I am. In school I won letters
in basketball, baseball, hopscotch.

- You forgot marbles.
- Oh, yes, marbles.

Hey, how about the car I won?

Ah, yes, the beautiful new Edam.

Step right this way, gentlemen.

- Just a minute, please.
- Don't get excited, please.

- Right here, right here.
- Take it easy.

There you are, Mr. Costello...
Your new, reconditioned Edam,

the finest car ever to
come out of Europe.

What do you mean,
"reconditioned"?

That means it's better
than the day it was new.

It has all the extras...

Battery, radiator,
brakes, motor, carburetor.

That's the last word.

The seat cushions are
stuffed with Jeepers Creepers.

Oh, that's so you
can ride like a baby.

Exactly.

Here's your keys, Mr. Costello.

Step into your Edam

and let it be your magic carpet
to carry you to new horizons.

- Would you mind translating that?
- Oh, never mind that.

Get in the car
and let's get going.

[Starts engine]

Oh, boy!

Listen to that engine purr.

Yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah. Come on. Come on.

- Let's get out of here.
- Okay.

You're all clear in the back.

Uh-oh, uh-oh.

Uh-oh.

You fat little worm, what's
the idea of backing into me?

I didn't see the car behind me.

- What do you think that mirror's for?
- To see where I've been.

How can you see anything when
you drive with your eyes shut?

I'll manage to
keep my eyes open.

Just try backing into me again,
and I'll shut them permanently!

- Just a minute, you!
- Well?

That's about as pretty
a uniform as I ever see.

Oh, thanks.

That was my chance for me to
punch the guy right in the nose.

While the guy was here,
I should have hauled off.

I should have let him have it.

Hey, you! Hey-ey-ey...

Oh, come on. Let's get going.

Get this thing out of
here and be careful.

Okay.

Take it easy, easy.

Slow.

Take it easy, now.

What are you trying to do,
play games or get out of here?

One of the two!

I'm trying to get a
lineup on this post

so I don't hit the
car behind me!

- The post is lining up on...
- I don't want no more mistakes.

Now get out of here!

Eh.

So, this is the magic carpet,
taking us to new horizons?

Get us out of here,
will you, please?

What do you think, I'm
playing jacks or something?

I don't care.

Keep your shirt on, will you?

Keep what shirt? I
won't have a shirt.

What are you
doing? Well, get out.

All right, all right,
I'm trying to get out.

[Speaking indistinctly]

What do you think, this is easy?

Hiya, Mike.

Say "Officer Mike."

Hold it.

- Pardon me.
- Yeah?

If I'm not being too personal,

would you mind telling
me what you're trying to do?

You see, Mike, I'm
trying to get out of here.

There's a car in front of me
and there's a car behind me

and I'm trying to get
out so I can get out.

What car?

The car behind me.
There's one right...

Hey, you better watch
these street cleaners, brother.

They're picking up everything.

This happens to be
a no-parking zone.

Mike, I wasn't parking. I was
un-parking, trying to get out.

Sure, sure, fine. Now,
what's your name?

Are you kidding?
You know my name.

I live in the same
apartment house with you.

Oh, listen, cut that out. When
did you ever learn to drive?

Well, it seems
like only yesterday.

- Well, when did you learn?
- Yesterday.

- Do you have a driver's license?
- Have I got a driver's license?

Well, let me see it. Come on.

- Come on.
- Sure.

What's the matter?

There it is.

That's Bud Abbott's.

I know, but he can't
drive, so I'm using it.

Oh, I see.

Get it out of here in 30
seconds, or I'll run you in!

Okay, Mac, I'll get out of here!

It's the law.

Get going while
the going is good.

Well, cheer up, kid. I've
got some great news for you.

Don't kid me, Abbott.

All my life, I wanted a little
car. Now the cops got it.

Don't worry about a thing.

I've squared
everything with the cops.

- You're getting your car back.
- Yeah?

- Sure.
- Where is it?

Well, I-I sold it.

- You sold it?
- Well...

You wouldn't do a thing like
that to me, would you, Abbott?

Now, wait a minute, Louie.

I found a sucker who will
pay plenty of cash for that car.

That Edam was a lemon, anyhow.

Look, Abbott, now cash is
beautiful, but I want my Edam back,

my foreign-made Edam.

You're going to have
a car, a brand-new one,

and a vacation, to boot.

I want my Edam back.

Look, let me use the brains
in this family, will you, please?

Now, here's the dope. We
get the cash in the morning.

We get a bus to Flint,
Michigan, and buy a new car.

- Abbott.
- Now, now, now-

You're not trying
to kid me, are you?

No, why should I kid you?

You mean you would
do all this for me?

Why not?

We're going to get
money and some weeks off

and we're going
to go to Michigan?

That's right. We'll
get a brand-new car.

You can pick out
the one you want.

And we'll have a nice
vacation on top of it.

- Ohh.
- See that?

- That's using your brains.
- Certainly.

We're going to
Flint, Michigan, huh?

- Don't worry about anything.
- I'll see you later.

- Where are you going?
- I'm going to the public library.

As long as we're going
to go to a foreign country,

I'm going to read up on
all those foreign languages

and the customs of the
people of Flint, Michigan.

Oh, heaven help the poor
librarian on a night like this.

- Well, how do you like it?
- It's a beauty.

You like it, eh?

Well, anything to
make you happy.

- You've got a deal.
- Thank you.

There we are... paid in full.

Thank you. I'll get your
receipt for you in a jiffy.

Okay.

Now, look... now, here's $150.

That should take care of our vacation
and get us back to Los Angeles.

Now, take good
care of that money.

That's the last of it, now...

You know, in case anything
unforeseen should arise.

- What should arise?
- Well, you can never tell.

Abbott, we got a new car,
new tires, and new money.

Mm-hmm.

Well, here's your
receipt, gentlemen,

and I'll have the rest of the
papers mailed to you in a few days.

- Thank you, Sir.
- You own it.

This is a humdinger
if I ever saw one, boy.

- You like it, huh?
- It's a beauty.

Attababy.

- What's the matter?
- Hey, wait a minute.

Take this back. Take it back.

- What's the matter?
- Where's the motor?

- There's no motor in this car.
- You don't unders...

What are you, a smarty or
something? There's no motor in the car.

You don't understand, Sir.
Listen, this is an innovation.

- The motor's in the rear of the car.
- Who are you kidding?

Whoever heard of the
motor in the rear of the car?

- That's where they put them.
- How do you drive this car?

The conventional way...
From behind the wheel.

Why don't you step
in and try it, Sir?

Go ahead. Get in.

- The motor's in the back!
- That's right.

Have I got a doozy of a car.

- How do you drive it?
- Just get right in there, Sir.

No, no, no, no, no.
This... There you are.

You're familiar with our new
type of gearshift, of course?

What do you think? Of course.

There you are.

It's a little tricky until
you get used to it.

Yes, Sir.

Now, all that you do is back up,

and you can go out
through the service door.

- Right!
- Right this way.

No! No, wait!

[Crash]

I thought you knew
all about gearshifts.

I do, Sir, but you had no right
to put the motor in the back

instead of in the front.

You see what you did to
the man's glass window?

So what? They got
spare glass windows,

just like they got spare tires.

You're right... for 98
bucks, and that's wholesale.

Well, come on.
Kick in. Get it up.

- You just gave me the money.
- Go ahead. Pay the man.

Now I got to give it to the guy?

I knew... I didn't think I was
going to keep this too long.

98 bucks. There you are.

Thank you.

And next time, sonny
boy, try to pay attention

when someone
teaches you how to drive.

Well, you've still got $52 left.

Now, try and watch
out for your money

and stay out of trouble!

Hey, you!

Hey, Abbott, a
spook from California.

Hey, I better lock this
guy up. He's off his rocker.

Wait a minute, officer.

You know, we know a
policeman in California

who's a dead ringer for you.

I get it... you mean
my twin brother, Mike,

on the Los Angeles police force.

- Yeah, we know him.
- Yeah.

Yeah, but what are you doing
here, parked on the sidewalk?

- We just had an accident.
- Slight mistake.

That's all.

Well, all right, as long as you
know my brother, Mike, on your way.

Thank you, Sir.
You'll give us a lift?

- Oh, sure, sure.
- Thank you.

I'll push you to see that
you do get on your way.

All right, ready?

Go!

Hey, come back here!

It's a good thing we didn't
hawk that spare tire in Denver,

or we'd have been dead.

If we don't get something
to eat soon, I'll be dead.

Yeah.

If you hadn't have run away
from that cop in Flint, Michigan,

and if he'd have
caught up with you,

we'd have been eating
comfortably in a nice jail by now.

- Hey.
- Yeah, what?

Is that coffee I
smell, or am I nuts?

It's coffee, and
you're still nuts.

Ooh, nutty coffee.

Smells like it's
coming from over here.

- Come on.
- Let's investigate.

Better drop the club.
It might be the law.

Hiya, fellas.

We were fixing a flat tire
when we smelled your coffee.

Boy, what perfume!

May I have a cup of coffee, Sir?

Get him. A cup he wants.

Would you like your cup
sterling silver or solid gold?

Aw, quit the ribbing, boys.

We're regular guys,
only we're flat broke.

We haven't eaten
in a couple of days.

This is an exclusive club.

Before anybody gets
anything around here,

he's got to rustle up
something for the pot.

Sure, Chuck's out now, digging
up something for the mulligan.

Well, why don't Mr. Mulligan
go out and look for it himself?

Get him. Is he a scream?

[Laughs]

What did I say?

Didn't you ever
hear of mulligan?

Oh, yes, my aunt... She
went out with a Mulligan.

A mulligan stew.

That was the guy
she went out with...

Mr. Mulligan, called him Stew.

This is a boiled mulligan.

Yeah, every Saturday night,

Mulligan used to come
in boiled to the gills.

Make up your minds.

Are you going to hustle
some grub, or aren't you?

Now, we'll get some
grub. We'll get some grub.

Why don't Milligan help us?

Oh, what...

[Bird squawks]

Get out the hand-painted
tablecloth, boys.

We're going to eat like kings.

Is this a thing of beauty, or
is this the thing of beauty?

You must have
paid plenty for him.

For your information,
chum, this is a her.

She carelessly parked herself on
her nest near an open barn door,

and here she is.

Well, come on. Let's dig
up something for the pot.

Don't worry about that, fellas.

We got plenty of spuds and
onions in the deep weeds.

That's all we need to cook...

Hold it, fellas. I think I hear
visitors heading our way.

If my sense of smell
doesn't deceive me,

one of our guests
is the sheriff.

- Ditch the sea gull.
- Right, ditch it.

Ohh, ohh, here, you take it!

Oh, no, you don't! I hate jails!

Now, wait a minute.
Here, hide him.

What are going to do?
Where am I going to hide him?

Under your clothes and in
the coat. Get the feathers off.

There you are.

[Bird squawks]

There they are, Sheriff.

One of these dirty, lowdown
thieves stole my Agnes.

I beg your pardon, Sheriff,

but I resent this gentleman's
uncouth accusations.

Save it. Which one
of you has got Agnes?

Don't look at me.

I don't like any dame
with the name of Agnes.

Why not?

Well, I just don't
like the name Agnes.

My wife's name is Agnes.

Oh, I love the name of Agnes.

♪ I love Agnes Agnes loves you ♪

Shut up.

Shut up.

♪ I love Agnes ♪

Shut up!

♪ Do you love Agnes? ♪

Shut up!

Shut up!

Agnes is my prize hen, Sheriff,

and I'll shoot the
man what's got her.

If you fellas ain't seen Agnes,

how about these
feathers on the ground?

[Agnes squawks]

What's that?

You see, my friend
likes to do imitations.

Go ahead. Do it
again for the Sheriff.

[Agnes squawks]

Hey, that isn't bad.

- ABBOTT: Good.
- Yes, I do imitating, myself.

Look, Sheriff, never
mind the imitations.

I want my Agnes!

Keep your shirt on, Henry.

This boy and me has
got the same hobby.

Yeah, pop, the Sheriff and I...

We like to do imitations
of all kinds of...

[Agnes squawks]

Hey, that's good.

But do you do anything
besides chickens?

Why, Sheriff, you
haven't heard anything yet.

My friend here can imitate
any bird that flies on the wing.

Just ask him about one,
any one at all. He'll do it.

All right, mister, let
me hear you do a crow.

- A crow?
- Uh-huh.

A cock-a-doodle-doo!

Cock-a-doodle-doo!

- SHERIFF: Cock-a-doodle-doo?
- That's the Australian crow.

No, co... Can't you do
the, uh, American crow...

"Caw caw caw caw
caw"... Can't you?

Caw caw "cawn't" you?

Caw caw caw?

Caw caw caw caw caw!

[Agnes squawks]

Why do you always
go back to the chicken?

That's my best imitation.

Oh, yeah, when I was a
boy in Minnesota, you know,

you'd see those old Canadian
honker geese fly overhead.

They sort of went, "Honk
honk honk!" You know?

Hey, that's a good one,
that Canadian... the geese...

"Honk honk."

Yeah, do that for the Sheriff.
You can do it. You can do it.

I mean, after all, I'm...

[Car horn honks]

[Speaking indistinctly]

But let me tell you
this... Can you do an auk?

- Do a what?
- An auk, a-u-k, auk.

I never even heard of it.

An au... An au... Sure,
you can do an auk.

I can't imitate no auk. I don't
know how to imitate an auk.

What are you... Aah!

See?

Perfect.

Well, Henry, I don't think
Agnes is around here.

[Agnes squawks]

That is the most fabulous
imitation I have ever seen.

How do you like
that? I laid an egg.

How did you do it?

I didn't do it. The
chicken did it.

Hey, Agnes!

Hey, Abbott!

Hey, you! Come here!

What does that sign say?

Hey, how can two roads
go in different directions,

and still you wind
up in Los Angeles?

Because one's a shortcut.

That's for us.

Yeah, but look how
rough that road is.

I know, but you save
six miles. We'll take it.

I would think. It
will save six miles.

Hey, buddy, how long are
we going to be stopped here?

Maybe 10 minutes,
maybe 10 hours.

Got engine trouble.

Hey, wait a minute,
buddy. I'll give you a push.

Ah, go away.

What's with him? Is he nuts?

You're telling me.

Hey, Abbott, I got an idea.
Look at these planks here.

- What about them?
- You know what we'll do?

We can take these planks,
support them right down here,

and make a ramp.

Then we take the car
and we go up the ramp

and we take the planks, put them
on the other side of the freight car.

Then we got the car.

We'll go right through this here
freight car and down the ramp,

on the other side of the road.

You know, when your
brain gets congested,

an idea really
comes out, don't it?

- I get the ideas, don't I?
- Yeah, it's all right.

We'll get the planks out and
put them down here, all right?

- Yeah.
- Go ahead. Get them out.

"We'll get the planks out.
We'll put them down here.

Go ahead and get them out."
I always got to get them out.

- Getting the planks was your idea.
- Give me a little bit of help...

Fine. All right, put them down.

Put them right down, straight.

Go ahead. Put them down.

Attaboy.

How's it coming?

I'll have it fixed in
a couple of minutes.

- How's that?
- Heavy, huh?

Eh, eh.

- Hey.
- What?

- Well, we get the planks down.
- Yep.

Now all we got to do is drive
the car up here into the car,

take the planks, put them on
the other side, and we're all set.

Well, let's drive the car up.

- Hey, Abbott.
- Now what?

We're only six miles
from Los Angeles.

Never mind that. Come
on. Get the car in here.

Okay, baby.

That ought to do
it. I'll give it a test.

- Keep your eye on it, Fred.
- Okay.

All right, now, come on
down and get these planks

and put them on the other side.

Hey!

Hi, Steve.

What are you doing in the yards?

Well, the chief
assigned me down here

to help you nail down the
guys robbing your freight cars.

Well, don't have to worry
about this one. It's an empty.

It's been setting in the
yard here for two weeks.

[Banging]

Abbott!

It sounds seem empty to me!

Yeah, let's have a look!

What's the matter?
What's the matter?

What's the matter? You see
the landlord or something?

You're choking me.
What's the matter with you?