All language subtitles for Abbott_Costello S02E07 Cheapskates.DVDRip.HI.en.e-One

[Applause]

Heeeey, Abbott!

Costello, you know the landlord
don't allow cooking in these rooms.

I'm not cooking.
I'm popping corn.

It's the same thing.

[Knocking on door]

Uh-oh. Uh-oh.
That's the landlord.

You answer the
door. I'll take this out.

Yeah, yeah, yes, yes, Sir!

Just a minute! Just
a minute, Mr. Fields!

I'm coming out!

[Knocking on door]

Won't you come in?

What's that I smell?

- I beg your pardon.
- I smell. I smell.

I wouldn't go around
bragging about it.

Listen, you young fool, don't you
try to make an imbecile out of me,

you embryonic moron.

Mr. Fields, I'm going
to look up that word.

If it's what I think it is,
you better watch out.

Well, it's exactly
what you think it is,

and there's no cooking
in this apartment.

If I catch you as much as
boiling water, out you go!

[Popcorn popping]

- What was that?
- I got the hiccups.

[Popcorn popping]

Hiccups, huh?

- And what's that?
- That's dandruff.

I got the biggest
dandruff you ever saw.

Mm-hmm, you got dandruff?

Don't try to make a fool
out of me. I've seen dandruff.

You haven't seen
dandruff in years.

How come you part
your hair so wide apart?

And speaking of wide apart,
your room-rent payments

have been coming too wide apart.

Room rent is due tomorrow,

and you get it up
on time, understand?

- The room rent is due tomorrow?
- Yes.

But, Mr. Fields...

Never mind. I said it's
not due until tomorrow.

I'm not going to
give you no money.

I'm just going to put some
butter in here with the popcorn.

- I'll melt it.
- Silly fool.

Oh, "silly fool" yourself.

Costello, where's the
rest of our rent money?

- Uh-oh.
- What did you do with it?

I cannot tell a lie. I
bought a suit with it.

You bought a suit
with our rent money?

Abbott, I bought a beautiful
red suit. I had to have it.

No. Don't tell me that.
You bought a red suit?

- A red one.
- That I've got to see.

- Oh, I'm going to show it to you.
- A red suit.

You're going to love it,
Abbott. Wait till you see this.

This is just the thing.
Abbott, wait till I...

Those are red flannels.

Yeah, look at that beautiful
drape in the back. Isn't that pretty?

Man, you can't wear
that this time of the year.

This is summertime.

That's why I bought it, Abbott...
Because it's summertime.

You see, if I put this suit on
now, with the underwear on now,

I'll always be
thinking of winter,

and winter makes
me think of being cool.

In the summertime,
I'll always be cool.

I'm no dope. I'm no dummy.

No, you're no dummy.
You're no dope.

I'm the dope!

- Now you know what I've got to do?
- What?

I've got to go
out and find a job.

- I've got to work hard.
- Doing what?

Finding you a job.

[Rumbling]

So, I...

- The popcorn!
- Oh, it's popping.

I think I put in much
more than I should have.

Costello, come here.

- Oh, boy.
- What's the matter with you?

This woolen
underwear... Does it itch.

Don't make me feel like it.

Okay, now, this looks good.

"Wanted... a husky young
man to handle freight.

Apply... ACME Warehouse."

Now, listen, when we get there, I
want you to keep your mouth shut.

I will.

Let me handle everything.
You understand?

Yeah.

Oh, stop that. Keep
your hands down.

MAN: All right, before we
start this auction out today,

I'm going to
auction off this box.

I sold one just like it
yesterday at auction here.

What do you suppose
was in the box?

A genuine oil painting, a
genuine blb-blb painting.

That was what was in the box.

I'm going to start it off.

All right, I'm bid $5
for this box of contents.

Who will make $10?

$5, now $10. $5, now $10.

$5. Who will say $10?

Thank you, Sir.

$10 bid, now $15.
$10. Who'll say...

Thank you, Sir.
$15 bid, now $20?

Do you realize you
just bid $15 on that box?

MAN: $15's bid, now $20?

It was this here.

Thank you, Sir.
$20 to the man...

$20 bid, now $25?

$20 bid, now $25?

- Scratch my back.
- MAN: Can I hear $25?

$20's bid, now $25?

Thank you, Sir.
$25 is bid, now $30?

$25, now $30? Do
I hear any more?

Are you all through with $25?

Do you realize how
much money we've got?

$30.

MAN: $30 the little man
bids. Are you all through?

Are you all done? $30.

$30 once. $30 twice.

And sold for $30.

Come on.

Just a minute, gents.
The cashier's over here.

This is the place.

Here's the bill.

Pay whatever storage
is due on the stuff.

Tell them we'll send the
truck for it in the morning.

Ain't you going to come in?

No, I'm going to keep
out of sight for a while.

If the cops recognize me,
they'll be tailing me every move.

Okay.

Look, baby, maybe
you better go in there

and keep your eye on Blackie.

What's the matter?
Don't you trust him?

When 100 grand's
involved, I don't trust nobody.

Not even me?

Especially you.

Especially where dough's
concerned... and men.

You're sweet.

That shipment's
been sold for storage.

Now, wait a minute, Mac.
That box better be here.

We held it over three months.

Couple of guys bought it at
auction about an hour ago.

Well, who were they?
Have you got their address?

Just a minute. I'll see.

Look, honey, if we can find
those guys and get the stuff back,

is there any reason we should
let Lefty know anything about it?

That's a smart little
head you got, baby.

Here you are.

Thank you.

- What's the matter?
- Ohh!

What's the matter?
You getting weak? Huh?

Aah.

- Take it easy.
- I can't.

Ohh!

Ohh!

Oh!

What are you...
What's wrong with you?

I think that last mile
uphill made me tired.

- Made you tired?
- Yeah.

I did all the work. I put it
up on your back, didn't I?

Yeah, but I've been carrying it.

- What have you been carrying?
- I've been carrying the receipt.

Now, only lifting
requires effort.

Once an object is in
place and stays there,

without the application of
energy, that's the law of physics.

What's the law
got to do with this?

The law has everything to
do with it. Everything has laws.

Well, the law of gravity
says my back is aching.

All right, we'll take a rest
for a couple of minutes.

I'm going over to
the grocery store.

Ha!

Don't you know it's illegal to
park within 10 feet of a fire plug?

Mike, this ain't an
automobile. It's a box.

You're leaning on it and
that makes it a vehicle

and you're parked within
10 feet of that fire plug.

What's wrong with you? I'll
take it away. Don't get excited.

This is easy.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

You're not getting away that
easy. I'm giving you a ticket.

Wh-Wh-Wh-Wh...

What's your name?

- My...
- What's your name?

What's the matter with
you? You know my name.

I've been living in the same
rooming house with you for two years.

That doesn't give you
any special privileges.

And the book says you've got
to ask every suspect his name.

Now, what is it?

Lou Costello.

You got any identification?

Can you prove that
you're Lou Costello?

Yes, I can prove it.

Any dope that gets
himself into a mess like this

has got to be Lou Costello.

Come on in.

Now you're getting to be
a real handy little fellow.

That's it. Take it easy.
Don't exert yourself.

That's a boy. Wait.
I'll give you a hand.

That's a boy. Just put it down.

- Lean back.
- Ohh.

There you go.

Yeah, that's fine.

Hey, come on.

What are you looking for?
Did you lose something?

I lost my backbone.

Well, you don't expect to
find it on the floor, do you?

- I can't straighten up.
- Huh?

- I can't straighten up.
- What do you mean?

I think my sacrehackiack
is out. Something...

- What's wrong?
- Get up.

Wait a minute. Come
on. Straighten this.

Wait a minute. Straighten
yourself up, Lou.

What are you
going to do, ride me?

No, come on. Get up.

Wait a minute. What is this?

I've never seen
this happen before.

- Wait.
- Get down on the floor.

Down on the floor, and then try
and straighten me out, will you?

- Let's straighten me out.
- Ohh, Lou.

There.

- Attaboy.
- Ahh, that did it.

- That did it?
- Yeah.

Attaboy.

- Now, come on. Get up.
- Okay.

That's fine. Come on,
now. Let's go into the...

Well, come on. Get
down there. What is this?

Oh, come on.
Straighten yourself up.

No, no, no, no, no.

- How's that?
- Feels pretty good.

- Yeah? Now, come on.
- Okay. Let me get up.

Come on, now.

Attaboy.

- Attaboy.
- How you doing there, boy?

Ahh! That felt good. Let's go.

- Wait a minute.
- Huh?

What happened to me?

Come on.

- Wait a minute. I can't... I can't...
- We got to get the stuff.

- I can't straighten up.
- Oh, no.

Come on. Give me a hand.

[Speaking indistinctly]

Wait a minute.
Don't... Don't choke me.

- Have to get through.
- Hey, I got an idea.

Now hold it while I do something.
I think you'll straighten right up.

We'll soon find out
what you bought.

Oh, give me a hand.

- Ooh! Hey, Abbott!
- What?

Skates, hundreds of them!

Well, let me see.

Roller skates,
hundreds of roller skates!

What in the world are we
going to do with all those?

We'll get all these skates,
put them in Bacciagalupe's cart,

and we'll sell them.

- You'll never sell all those.
- Oh, yes, you can.

You can sell anything you
want if it's cheap enough.

Another one of your brainstorms.

Hey, Abbott! Abbott!

- Hey, Abbott!
- What do you want?

Hey, look. Take a
look. Isn't that cute?

We're in business now.

All right, folks, step right up
and see your cheap skates!

Junk!

Junk?

Okay, knucklehead, how much?

$1.

95 cents.

Ah, go away, kid. You bother me.

Here you are, folks!

Step right up and
see the cheapskates!

Why, you!

Hey, mister, how
much are these skates?

How much you got?

I only have 6 cents.

That's all. 6 cents...
That's what I'm selling for.

Good deal.

Right on the nose, 6 cents...
That's exactly what I'm selling for.

Hey! Ah, there you are!

What are you doing? Come
here! What are you doing?

Come here! Come here!

Come here! Now, listen,
where's your license?

Where's your license?
Don't you bite me.

Where's your
license, Bingo Pesto?

Show me your skating license.
You can't skate without a license.

Now, now, now, now.
I'm going to run you in.

[Screams]

Now I got you!

Help me, Sergeant! Help!

[Indistinct shouting]

I have 5 cents.

How did you know I was
selling the skates for 5 cents?

That's all they cost, 5 cents.

Hey, I paid 6 cents!

"I paid 6 cents."

So, the price went down. Here.

Hey, I'm doing good. I
told two pairs of skates.

I know, but we're losing money.

- Think of the volume.
- Uh-oh.

Did you sell those skates to
that monkey down the street?

- What monkey?
- The monkey with the skates.

Look, you haven't got any
license to run this, have you?

- No, I ain't got no license.
- Uh-huh, I didn't think so.

- I'm going to give you a ticket.
- Oh, here I go again, another ticket.

That's all I'm getting
from him... Tickets.

- Now, what's your name?
- My...

We might as well beat
the landlord to the punch

and tell him we haven't
got the rent for him.

- I'm sorry, Abbott.
- I know.

I'm always doing
everything wrong.

- Well.
- I'm going to go away.

Go away where?

Over here and
sit down. I'm tired.

Oh, no, you don't.

You'll face the music with me.

Come on. We've
got to talk to him.

- ABBOTT: Mr. Fields?
- Yeah?

We'd like a few words
with you with reg...

Excuse me. Good
afternoon, Ms. Montrose.

This is Mr. Bud Abbott,
and this is Mr. Costello,

I'm sorry to say.

She just moved in.

Quite a chick.

Oh, yes, we are very pleased to
have metten you, Ms. Montrose.

- High-class talk.
- Pssh, quiet.

I think he's cute.

Excuse me. What do you
boys want to talk to me about?

- It's about the rent.
- Rent?

Well, you see, we had a
little trouble with the bank.

- Closed?
- Oh, no, we got no money in it.

Mr. Fields, would
you care to have

a nice box of roller
skates, on account?

Quiet. We'll have a check
for you in the morning.

You better take
the roller skates.

You are quite a
character, Mr. Costello.

Oh, my best friends in my
inner circle call me Louis,

and you may call me
Louis, Ms. Montrose.

You may call me Millie.

Millie.

- Short for "Murgatroyd."
- Murgatroyd?

You know, as long as
we're going to be neighbors,

I think we should
get better acquainted.

Would you boys like to
come up to my apartment?

Later, please.

- Oh, yes.
- Excuse us. Excuse us.

- Yes, surely, surely.
- Tea and crumpets.

- Be delighted to come.
- Be delighted.

Oh, fine. Well, then,
shall we say in an hour?

- Yes.
- Yes, surely.

- Oh, fine. Toodle-oo.
- Toodle-oo.

Lovely girl. I...

I've got it all set up.

Those two characters are coming
up to my apartment in an hour.

Now, that'll give you a chance to
get into their place and get the stuff.

All right, keep them up
there as long as you can

because I might have to go through
that whole box of roller skates.

Yeah, and you better be careful

about being seen
out here on the street.

If Lefty ever saw you and found
out there was anything between us,

he'd cut both our throats.

You know how jealous he is.

I'll be careful.

Hello, Mike.

Hello, Mr. Fields.

- Oh, say, Mr. Fields.
- Hmm?

If you happen to see a fellow
around here that looks like that,

let me know, will you?

Who is he?

Lefty the Shiv... he's a killer, and
he's supposed to be around town.

Well, if I see him, I'll let you
know. What's he doing here?

Well, he's mixed up
in a smuggling racket,

supposed to have smuggled
in $100,000 worth of diamonds

in a shipment of roller skates.

Roller skates?

Yeah, they hid the
diamonds inside the rollers,

and the insurance company
is offering $10,000 reward.

Boy, I'd sure like to get
my hands on those skates.

Well, so long, Mr. Fields.

$10,000.

You there, boys, I'd
like to talk to you men.

You talk to Mr. Abbott.
I'm in a hurry.

Um, y-y-you see, Mr. Fields...

Don't worry. You're thinking
about the rent money?

Well, you know...

After all, we're
old friends, huh?

- Here, have a cigar.
- Thanks.

You know, I was just
thinking, Mr. Abbott...

If it'll help you boys out,

I'm willing to take those
roller skates off your hands.

- You will?
- Well, not for nothing.

In exchange, I thought maybe we
call this month's room rent square?

You mean one month's
room rent for all those skates?

Well, I won't quibble.

I'm willing to throw in a
little cash to boot... say, $50?

What, say $75?

Oh, now, we're old friends.
I wouldn't quibble over $25.

Here you are. Here's your $50.

Thank you.

Oh, come in.

Thank you, Ms...

For you. I picked them myself.

Oh, they're beautiful, Lou.

Ah-choo!

Thank you ever so much
for inviting me for tea.

Hungry?

Mnh-mnh. No, ma'am.

I'm... I'm... I'm...
I'm a little bit hungry.

- Would you care for some cookies?
- Mm-hmm.

- You would?
- Mm-hmm.

Like a napkin?

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

I like these
little téte-à-tétes.

Aww. I like you.

Oh, you don't eat it that way.

I just like the icing.

Would you care for
some tea with your cookie?

Mm-hmm.

- Mm-hmm?
- Mm-hmm.

Hey, Abbott.

Excuse me.

Shoe.

Napkin.

I wouldn't mention the
$50 to Costello, you know.

He's apt to
squander it foolishly.

- Of course not.
- Thanks a lot.

- Excuse me, please.
- Yes, ma'am.

The stuff's not
in the apartment.

What? It's got to be.

Well, it ain't, and I got
a hunch those two guys

are wise to the setup and
have hidden it somewhere.

I tell you, those two guys
ain't as dumb as they look.

The little fat one... He's the
one we'll have to work on.

Maybe we can
scare him into talking.

Yeah, we'll pull the old
badger game on him.

Uh-oh.

Hello, Abbott?

Lou, where are you?

I'm up the creek
without a paddle.

They're talking about they're
going to play a badger game on me.

What is that?

Why, a... a badger game

is when a dame gets a guy
in a compromising position

and then has her husband
or her boyfriend walk in. Why?

That's what they're
going to do to me.

Aha.

Well, don't you fall
for that sucker routine.

It's only a bluff.

You hear me? Just a bluff.

Oh, well, I'll laugh
in their faces.

That's what I'll do, Abbott.
I'll laugh right in their faces.

They ain't going to get
away with this on me.

You can bet on that, kid.

Listen, if I need you,
where are you going to be?

If you need me, I'll be
right outside your door.

Okay.

[Locks door]

I was just calling up the
operator to see what time it was.

- Were you going someplace?
- Eh.

Hello, Blackie.

Lefty, I thought you...

Yeah, I know. I followed you.

Where's Millie?

Why, uh, I...

I had a hunch
you'd lead me to her.

So, you're the guy she's
playing around with, huh?

No, Lefty, it ain't
me. I swear it ain't.

- Who is it, then?
- I don't know. You got to believe me.

You know I wouldn't
lie to you, Lefty.

Where is she?

She's upstairs in apartment 11.

Please don't... don't tickle
me. Will you let me up?

Come on. Let me up now.

Oh, that's my husband.
I think you better hide.

Go ahead. Let
him in. Let him in.

Go ahead. What do you
think, I'm silly or something?

Let him in.

It is my husband!

Well, let him in.

MRS. MONTROSE: You better
get out of here. He'll kill both of us.

No, no, let him in. Let him in.

Come on in, bub. Pull
up a window and sit down.

Who you getting tough with?

Don't get tough with me,
brother. Don't get tough with...

Aah!

Get... Get... Get...

You crook, you dirty,
double-crossing crook!

What's the matter with you?

What's the matter with me?
I'll tell you what's the matter.

I've been swindled.
That's what's the matter!

There were no diamonds
in those roller skates.

Diamonds? What
are you talking about?

Hey, Abbott!

You got no knife, huh?

Now you got a chair which I'm
going to hold and I'm going to...

Whoa!

Oh, Lefty, honey, snap out of
it! You're going to be all right.

You want to bet?

Abbott!

Hey, Abbott!

Wait a minute!

If it ain't Lefty the
Shiv and his moll.

They just picked
up your pal Blackie.

Aw, shut up, you dumb flatfoot.

I might as well warn you...

Anything you say will
be held against you.

Now get over there while I
call the boys at headquarters.

I'll get a promotion for this.

Sure, they're liable to
make you a policeman.

- What are you doing?
- I'm leaving this rooming house.

- Aw.
- I'm leaving everybody around me.

Now, Lou...

Abbott, I don't want to go
out and cheat or anything,

and I never lied to you.

I know you haven't, Lou.

I want to give you what's
half yours, if you'll take it.

What have you got
that belongs to me?

Half of this popcorn is yours.

- Ah, stop it! Get out of here!
- Okay.

Good-bye.

Lou?

Oh, get up on your feet.

- No wonder.
- I'm sorry.

- No wonder.
- What?

- No wonder I fell.
- Oh, you...

The skate broke.
The wheel come off.

- Well, they're bound...
- Look at that.

How do you like that?

- What is it?
- That's why it broke...

There's glass in
there, not ball bearings.

- Glass?
- Yeah.

Glass? Glass?!

The diamonds!

Diamonds, real diamonds, Lou!

Think of it!

Something I've
wanted all my life.

Now I'm rich. I'm wealthy.
I can buy anything I want...

Airplanes! I'll buy a yacht!

- Hey, hey, hey, wait a minute.
- You keep out of this.

Wait a minute. I'm a
half-partner in those diamonds.

I gave you $50 to be a partner.

There's your $50
back. I have no partners.

What do you mean,
you have no partners?

- I'm still your partner!
- You're not my partner.

- You chiseler, you crook.
- You're not my partner.

Look at them...
diamonds! Look at them!