All language subtitles for Abbott_Costello S01E25 Police Rookies.DVDRip.HI.en.e-One

[Applause]

[Growling]

Stop. Stop, Lou.

Today is the most
important day of our lives.

Today we start a
brand-new career.

Oh, we're going to
go to rookie school.

Yes. Now, listen, I want you
to answer this man's questions

and answer them to
the best of your ability.

Answer them like I do.

Abbott, I'll answer the
questions better than you do.

I'm no dope, you know? I
went to school. I'm no dope.

I wasn't in the fourth grade
for nothing, you know?

I was in the fourth
grade for seven years.

Fourth grade seven years?

I was in the fourth
grade seven years, yeah.

How come you never
went to the fifth grade?

I didn't want to
pass my father up.

Come on, now.
Let's go down here.

Do you ever do anything right?

Listen, how do you expect
to pass the examination

and become a policeman
if you don't think?

Now, differentiate between
a misdemeanor and a felony.

Can you explain that?

- I can't even say it.
- Oh!

Listen, you're going
to have to help Costello

when you go to
police rookie school.

I've done everything
I can for him.

Oh!

What are you doing?

Pour Mike some coffee.

Listen, you may not even meet
up to the specifications required

to become a policeman.

You got to be 35 at the hips, 32
at the waist, and 42 at the chest.

Well, I guess I'm out of
luck. I'm the same all over.

- Oh!
- Pour Mike some coffee.

Pour Mike some coffee!

Aah!

Oh, what are you trying to do?

I don't even know
why I got mixed up

trying to get you two in
the police department.

I ought to get hit in the head.

That did it!

That chimp of yours...

Costello, what are you
going to do with that chimp?

I'm going to smarten him up

so he can pass the
police examination.

Well, he'd do a lot
better than you'll ever do.

I'm getting out of here before
something serious happens.

You guys give me
a pain in the head.

You see, Costello?

That chimp is causing
us all kinds of trouble.

Mike tells me that you've still
got that chimp in this house.

And I even understand that he's
sleeping in the same bed with you.

What are you getting excited
for? He don't take up much room.

Look, the chimp is
getting used to him.

I give you 24 hours to get
that chimp out of this house!

That monkey's a
pain in the head.

[Crash]

Ohh!

You know, Abbott, I'm going
to stay and watch Bingo.

He can't get used
to those two guys.

Oh, forget about it.

Now, look, who's going to
take their bath first tonight,

you or Bingo?

Not me, because I took
my bath first the last time.

It's Bingo's turn tonight.

Look, you're like
a couple of babies.

"I don't want to take a
bath. Let Bingo take a bath."

It's his turn. It's
his turn tonight.

- Oh, he's not afraid of the bath.
- Neither am I.

You're the one that's
afraid of the bath.

Come on, Bingo.

Bingo, come on.

Come on. Now, stop it.

Stop it, Bingo.

Stop it, Bingo. I told you.

I want you to get in the tub.

Now, wait till I tell you. We
got to take your things off first.

Now, Bingo, just be
nice. Hold still a minute.

Now, wait a minute.
Now, hold still.

Up. That's a good
boy. Now, wait a minute.

Okay, get in there.

And use the soap.
Don't be like Costello.

I'll be right back.

Bingo says it'll only
take him 10 minutes.

How come 10
minutes to take a bath?

He uses soap.

I use soap.

And listen, I don't want
any more of these arguments

with Mike the Cop.

Now, cut them out.

Now, look, Abbott, I don't
argue with Mike the Cop.

He argues with me.

You see, I'm trying to
be a policeman like you.

But you see the
questions he asks me?

Aw, little teeny-weeny
questions.

Because you're smart,
you can answer them.

He don't have to make a dope
out of me in front of everybody.

You are a dope.

I mean, after all, I can't
answer those kind of questions.

Eh, what's hard
about those questions?

If he asked me
some easy, simple...

Ask me the easy questions,
you know, the little ones,

I could answer the guy.

You can't answer any questions.

- Oh, yes, I could. Yes, I could.
- All right.

Suppose you walked over there,
and you bored a hole in that wall.

- What wall?
- Over there.

All right. Go over there,
bore a hole in the wall.

Why? Why should you go over
there and bore a hole in that wall?

I'm not boring a
hole in that wall.

Why should you go there
and bore a hole in that wall?

You said to me suppose I go over
there and bore a hole in the wall.

You see? You don't know
what you're talking about.

That's an easy
question, ain't it?

Look, suppose you
walked into a baseball park.

- What teams are playing?
- I don't know.

Then what are you
doing in the baseball park?

I'm not in any baseball park.

You see? You don't know
what you're talking about.

Now, come on, Abbott! Get
me out of that baseball park.

I don't want to go
to no baseball park.

He told me I've got to
teach you these things.

What is the first thing
you buy in a baseball park?

- Hot dogs.
- A hot dog.

- Without mustard.
- Huh?

- Without mustard.
- Mustard goes with a hot dog.

Not with mine.

Mustard was made
for the hot dog.

I don't care what the stuff is
made for, I'm not going to eat it.

But, Lou, mustard and
a hot dog go together.

Let them go together. I'm
not going to spoil any romance.

Who's talking about romance?

I mean, after all, if
I don't like mustard,

I don't have to eat it
for you or nobody else.

I won't even eat it
for Mike the Cop.

Oh, well, I didn't
know you disliked it.

I only asked you the question.

Who do you think you are to tell
me to put mustard on a hot dog?

I'm not telling you
to do anything, Lou.

If I want to put
ketchup on a hot dog,

there's no law saying I can't
put ketchup on a hot dog.

No, no, you're right
there. I'm not asking...

I don't have to put mustard on
a hot dog for you or nobody else.

You don't put it
on. Forget about it.

This is a free country, and
if I don't want to eat mustard,

I don't have to eat it.

- Don't holler.
- You don't know better.

I'm not going to eat it.

Keep quiet. So you
don't like mustard.

Why didn't you tell me
that in the first place?

I don't like it 'cause
it makes me sick.

All right.

I don't want to walk
around the street sick.

I don't want to see you sick.

- I mean, after all, I'm a happy kid.
- I know, I know.

- I love black.
- I know you do.

I got a lot of friends of
mine. I got... I got little nieces.

I got three little nieces,

and I help to support
those three little nieces.

Well, forget about it.

If I walk around the street sick,
and I can't go out and get any work

and get any money to give
my sister for her three kids,

what's going to happen?

My sweet little nieces...
They're going to starve to death.

They won't eat.

Somebody's going to
take those three kids

and put them in
an orphan asylum.

You're making this too serious.

What right you got
to put my three nieces

in the orphan asylum?

Who's putting who in
what orphan asylum?

- What did my nieces ever do to you?
- Nothing at all.

Well, come on, Abbott. They're
in the orphan asylum now.

Wait a minute. Now,
enough is enough.

After all I'm laboring
to support them kids.

You got no right to put
them in an orphan asylum.

Do you know where
mustard comes from?

I don't know. Mustard
plants. I don't know.

Not a mustard plant.
They manufacture mustard.

Do you know they spend
millions of dollars every year

just to put up factories
to manufacture mustard?

Do you know those factories employ
thousands and thousands of men

just to manufacture mustard?

Do you know those men take care

of thousands and
thousands of families,

all on account of mustard?

And you, just because
you don't like mustard,

what do you want them to do,

close those factories down and
put all those people out of work?

Are you trying to tell
me that all those people

are making one little jar of
mustard like this just for me?

No, no. You don't
seem to understand, no.

Are you trying to tell me that
those thousands of people

are making one jar
of mustard just for me?

No, I didn't say that.

Well, if they are, Abbott, you can
tell them not to make it anymore,

'cause I'm not going to eat it!

You can lay them off!

Lay them off.

Who am I to support
thousands of people?

Who's asking you
to support them?

I can't even get the three little
nieces out of the orphan asylum.

Now, don't start that again.

I ain't going to eat mustard
for you or nobody else!

Close the mustard
factories down.

Close the mustard
factories down is right!

I like ketchup!

Put the people out of work!

I'm not putting
anybody out of work!

Fathers out of work,
husbands out of...

I'm not putting any
husbands out of work.

You don't even know
what a husband is.

Yes, I do.

A husband is what's
left of a sweetheart

after the nerve has been killed.

Say you walk into a restaurant,

and the waiter places
over here a platter of beans,

over here a great,
big, juicy steak.

Now, which one of
those two would you eat?

I eat the beans.

- What happens to the steak?
- What do I care about the steak?

- Then why did you order it?
- I didn't order no steak!

Now, wait a minute. You see?
You're starting an argument again.

You said the waiter comes over
here and puts the beans over here

and puts a steak over here.

- Which one would you eat?
- That's right.

I was nice enough
not to sponge on you.

- On me?
- I said eat the beans.

Now, wait a minute.
Am I supporting you?

No.

Where did the steak and the
beans come from? The waiter...

I don't know. You
said that some waiter...

I don't say anything. I say the
waiter places them down here.

You must have ordered them.

Now you got a platter of beans
here. You got a steak over here.

Which one of these
two do you eat?

I was nice. I said
I'd eat the beans.

Never mind the
beans. I eat the steak.

- Then what happens to the beans?
- Throw them away.

Throw them away?

People around the
country starving to death,

and you're throwing food away.

What kind of reputation
you think you would have?

Look, never mind. Don't
throw the beans away.

I'll put the beans... I'll
put them on the steak.

I'll mash them in. I'll
eat them together! Ha!

Go ahead. Ha, ha, ha!

You know where that
steak comes from?

Do you know where
that steak comes from?

- A cow.
- Yes.

- I hope.
- You hope.

Do you know what that cow gives?

Milk.

That cow gives milk.

She don't give it. You got
to take it away from her.

Never mind that!
The cow gives milk!

Who does that milk supply?

Little babies,
little, innocent tots.

Without that milk, they'd
perish, die, but you don't care.

Just to satisfy your
selfish appetite,

you let them go
out, kill all the cows,

and let the little babies of
the world starve to death.

Now, are you happy?

How can you enjoy your meal?

Look, you got me
killing babies now.

I'm killing babies, cows,
putting people out of work.

I'm wrecking bridges.

- Why don't you let me alone?!
- Who's bothering you?

The whole thing started with
me boring a hole in the wall!

Don't mention that.

I asked you, "Ask me
a simple little question,"

and this gets
enormous like this.

Now, listen. I'm only going
to ask you one more question.

This is the last.

Make it a small one.

Say you're in the, um,
Grand Central Depot

in New York City.

Now, this is as simple
as any little tot would want.

You're in the Grand Central
Depot in New York City,

and you buy a ticket.

- Where are you going?
- I'm not going anywhere.

Then what are you
buying a ticket for?

I'm not buying any ticket.

Then what are you
doing in the depot?

You put me in there!

You see? You're
starting to argue again.

Now, take it easy.
Don't get excited.

I-I'm not getting excited,
but ask me that again slow.

- You're in the Grand Central Depot.
- Yeah.

- You buy a ticket.
- Yeah.

Where are you going?

I don't know.

Then what are you
buying a ticket for?

I'm not buying any ticket.

You got to know
where you're going.

Now, wait a minute.
You walked into the depot.

You knew where you were going.

What are you doing in the depot?

Why does anyone go to a depot?

All right. Now, listen, will you
answer my question, please?

- You're in the depot.
- I'm in a depot.

Where are you going?

- Answer.
- I'm going away.

Ah. That's different.

Now, where are you going?

Find a place to go.

What do you mean
you got to find a place?

- You're in the depot.
- I'm going away.

Where, where, where?

Where are you going?

Over that way.

What's over that way?

What's over that way?

I don't know. I'll go over that
way. That's all. I'm going bye-bye.

Where's bye-bye?

You don't know. You
see how dumb you act?

You're buying a ticket, you
don't know where you're going,

and you're just in a depot
and traveling someplace.

Where? You don't know.

People don't do
those things, Lou.

Over there.

Where is over there?

Look, I'll go to
Paterson, New Jersey.

I don't want to go, but I'll go.

What's the matter
with Philadelphia?

What have you got
against Philadelphia?

All my friends
are from Paterson!

Suppose your friends
are in Philadelphia.

All right, then I'll
go to Philadelphia.

And what happened to
your friends in Paterson?

I'm not talking to them anymore.

Suppose Mike the
Cop was in Philadelphia.

Then I'd go to the
Belgium Congo with Bingo.

Bingo.

Hey, come on. Let's
get ahold of Bingo.

Oh, no!

Hasn't even taken his bath yet.

- That's the last straw, Abbott.
- Hey, look.

Look at that kid using
all my bubble bath.

All I had left, he's using it.
He's got it all over the place.

All right, all right.

- I never use any of your stuff, Bingo.
- All right.

I think you're mean!
That's what you are!

- Don't take it so hard.
- He's mean, Bingo.

No, he's not. You like Bingo.

[Applause]

Now, look, Lou, we're going
down here to become rookies.

You understand that?

Oh, I know. My schooling education's
coming in handy so far, isn't it?

What schooling
education you ever had?

- What I told you before.
- What?

When I went to public
school for 22 years.

- 22 years?
- Certainly!

How'd you get out?

- Had to burn the schoolhouse down.
- Oh, never mind that!

- Listen.
- What?

Now, when this man
asks you a question, see,

for instance, you say,
"You must be brave."

You got to repeat
these things to yourself

in order to be a good policeman.

You can't be a coward
to be a policeman.

You can't be a coward.

You just say to yourself... You
keep repeating and repeating.

You got to be brave boy to be
a policeman, like Mike the Cop.

- That's right.
- He's very brave... around me.

That's right. He had to
go through the same thing.

- He did?
- You keep repeating to yourself.

How did that pudding
head ever make it?

Now, don't say those things.

I think if he makes
it, I got to make it.

He's a bigger dope
than... Than me.

Now, now, wait a minute.
I don't think that's possible.

Now, take it easy.

Did I say that right, he's
a bigger dope than me?

Well, you could say it that way

or that you are a
bigger dope than he.

- Sure.
- That's the proper way to say it.

Yes.

- You are a bigger dope than he.
- I'm a bigger dope than both of you.

See? That makes you
a bigger man than him.

Sure.

Now, always repeat to
yourself. Say, "I must be brave."

I must be brave.

- "I must be strong."
- I must be strong.

If a man comes
after you with a gun,

and he points it at your
heart like that, you say...

- I must be brave.
- I must be brave.

- I must be strong.
- I must be brave.

♪ I must be brave ♪

♪ I must be strong ♪

♪ I must be brave ♪

♪ I must be strong ♪

- ♪ I must be brave ♪
- Come on, will ya?

Here, here, here.
Who are you two?

- We're Abbott and Costello.
- Well, you're out of shape.

Now, get up on that chinning bar
and chin yourself 40 or 50 times.

40 or 50 times we
got to go like this here?

That's right.

[Coughs]

Well, you've got a bad cough.
We got to straighten you up.

Get up there, both
of you. Come on.

Chin yourselves.

Oh, what they've
sent me this time.

[Costello grunting]

- You having a tough time, Bud?
- Yeah.

32.

33.

Buddy, eat a breakfast
like I do every morning.

Plenty of milk.

44.

47.

Poor Buddy.

50.

You can't make it up, can you?

65.

What'd you do that for?!

I was doing... I
made it up to 50.

He's too heavy for this work.

Well, that's what
we're here for.

Let's go over to the reducing
machine right over there.

Now, this ought to do it.

The police department must
be coming to an awful state

when they have to hire little,
fat guys like you to be policemen.

Now, don't forget, it takes a
fat cop to catch a fat crook.

- Don't forget that.
- All right. Ready?

Here we go.

Come on.

Ha, ha, ha! There we go.

Oh! Oh!

That's enough! That's enough!

That's enough! Turn it off!

Turn it off!

That's enough, now!

Over here now. Right this way.

- Stop it... I can't stop yet.
- Oh.

There you are.

Ahh. That did the trick.

Stop it.

Get it, get it!

All right?

Let go.

- Ha, ha!
- All right.

Good. What do you got there?

Well, now we're ready
for the medicine ball.

Oh, I used to play
with a medicine ball.

- Play with one?
- Yeah.

You look like you've
swallowed one.

Nice professor.

- Are they heavy?
- Well, try it. Come on!

Take it easy.

Take it easy.

Take it easy. These things...

- You throw those things around?
- Why, of course.

Hey, what are
these things up here?

- Those are Indian clubs.
- Can I play with them?

- Why not?
- The Indians won't mind?

Hey, Abbott, when I used
to go to Vaudeville shows...

Remember those Vaudeville shows?

I used to see the guy
juggle three in one hand

and three in the other hand.

Sure, sure, sure.

This is a good trick.
This is a good trick.

You don't mind if I
play with these, do you?

Go ahead.

You want to see me
juggle these here?

I don't think you can...

It's a certain way, the
way you got to grab them.

Now, watch.

What are they doing over there?

Oh, that? That's jujitsu.

It is?

I think you're just
about ready for it.

Look at that! Look
at that guy go!

Wham, smack, bang!

- Come on.
- Come on. We'll go see jujitsu.

This is katagoma.

This is udenagi.

That is Stinky Davis boot.

Which one of you
wiseguys did that?

That's all right.

This is Abbott and Costello,
our two new recruits,

two new policemen.

This is Jack Halerin,

one of the world's
foremost judo experts.

- I'll leave them in your hands.
- How do you do?

Whoa!

Whoa!

Had enough?

Not yet.

I think this is just a little
too rough for you, lad.

Let's take him over here to
something that's not quite so dangerous.

You're next.

Now, this is your
qualifying test.

If you can't do this, you
can't become a policeman.

Stinky and I got these things.
We work them all the time.

I give him all this stuff.

- Get a firm hold.
- Thank you.

And remember, they're
on a special spring.

You've got to use
your full strength.

Stand by. I'm going to get these
right up in no time. Ready now?

1, 2. Go!

Start over again.

1, 2. Go!

- Yeah.
- Go!

No, no, no, no. Unh-unh.

Come on, come on.

Come on! Put something in it!

No, no, no.

Power, power.

You give up?

Oh, step aside.

I moved it, didn't I?

Moved it... You've
got to pull them out.

Oh.

Step aside. I'll show
you what I mean.

You see? In the first place, you
don't hold your hands correctly.

You've got to get the power of
your wrists and your muscles.

Now watch.

Smooth, see?

Oh, the phone. Quick, grab them.

Grab them!

Grab them. That's it.

Cease fire.

What's going on back there?!

Oh, it's you! What
are you doing here?!

Come on! Get out of there!

Come here!

Don't you know
these men are firing?

This is a firing range!
How did you get in here?

Who broke that? Did
you break that wall?

Oh, Costello,
you did it this time,

coming and interfering when
these men are trying to fire.

What are you doing back there?

I'll show ya!

Eh, don't start with me,
Mike. I'm coming to this class.

Well, you come in here,
and you ruin the boys.

Get that gun away!

What do you know about firearms?

Listen, I'm one of
the finest crackpots...

Uh, jack... jackpots...
Uh, crackpot.

I'm one of the crack shots...
Crack shots for the neighborhood.

"Crackpot" is right.

No, crack shots in the
neighborhood, Mike.

- I'm going to be a policeman!
- Yeah.

Well, you'll never
be a policeman

'cause you don't know
how to shoot a gun.

What are you trying to
tell me, you're a crack shot?

You're kidding. You
got bullets in there?

- Sure, there are bullets in there.
- Want to see how good I am?

Yes, I'd like to see
how good you are.

Give me something. You
got a clay pipe or something?

It so happens I've
got a clay pipe, yeah.

It so happens you
had to have a clay pipe.

Now, what do you want
to do with a clay pipe?

- Want a match?
- No.

Let me show you.
Put that in your mouth.

Now face over like this here.

- Now, you're not scared, are you?
- No.

I'm going to shoot that
right out of your mouth,

and you've got nothing
to worry about, Mike.

You're going to shoot
this out of my mouth.

- Now, hold it there, Mike.
- Go ahead.

I'm going to knock that bowl
right out of your mouth, Mike.

Go ahead.

- Are you ready?
- Ready.

- Aim.
- Aim.

Well, what are you doing?

Wait a minute. That's too easy.

Yeah.

I knew you couldn't do it.

Yeah.

- Oh.
- That's better.

Yeah, okay.

Go ahead.

What are you doing?
Yeah, go ahead.

You're not scared?

Ha, ha! Me, scared?
Are you kidding?

Brave.

Hold it!

- Eh, it's too easy.
- Oh, what are you doing?

- Wait a minute.
- Yeah, I knew you couldn't.

- All right. You give up, huh?
- No.

What are you doing?

You give up, huh?

Here. Just the bowl
in your mouth, like that.

Just hold that bowl right
in your mouth like that.

- All right.
- Now, that's going to be a good shot.

All right.

Now, get this shot, Mike.

Fire.

Wait a minute, Mike.

- Turn around, turn around.
- Sure.

This way, I can hit it better.

Now hold it there.

Be careful, be
careful, be careful.

Will you let me
shoot at the target?

Well, if you're going to shoot
at the target, yes, but be careful.

- You big sissy.
- Oh.

There's the target.

No, no, no, no, no.

Put your hand in back of you
if you're going to shoot now.

Who am I going
to hit back there?

Be careful!

- Whoa!
- What?

Never point a gun at anybody.

- Never point a gun at anybody!
- All right!

All right. If you're going to
fire, now fire at the target.

What are you trying to
do? Leave those guns alone.

The biggest mistake
I ever made in my life,

trying to get you
in the police force.

Hey, Mike, what's
this other stuff?

Well, now, just be careful.
Now, just be careful.

I want to try to teach you
something. Will you listen to me?

- Clean the guns?
- No, leave the guns alone!

I told you, leave
the guns alone.

Here. Here's something for you.

Now, there, that's
a hand grenade.

You see that little ring
there, that little pin?

Well, you pull that
pin out with your teeth,

and it takes a hard pull,

and then you throw it at
the target, and it explodes.

Abbott would never
be able to do that.

Why? No strength?

- No teeth.
- Oh...

- Are those things dangerous?
- Very dangerous.

Why, I could blow the whole
wall of this building up with this.

With that little thing?

That's right, with
that little thing here.

Is that the ones
you throw like that?

Yes, you throw like that.
Now, look, come here.

Put them back up, and
be very careful with it, now.

- Very careful.
- Really dangerous, huh?

Yeah. Put it back. Put
it back up on the wall.

You just pull with your teeth?

Costello, put it back in the wall,
will you? That's a dangerous thing!

Oh, no! What are you doing?!

What's going on here?

Oh, well, uh, n-nothing
at all, sergeant. I, uh...

What's he doing with
that hand grenade?

Well, he's just going
to put it back. He's just...

- I was telling him something about it.
- Don't, don't, don't, don't.

- Put it back, put it back.
- Lou, Lou, put it back.

- What are you guys nervous about?
- P-Put...

You want to play catch?

Put it back!

Oh, no, no!

Look, Lou, I'm your friend!
You know I'm your friend!

Don't do that!

Put it, put it...

Get that... Get that
thing away from him.

Come on, Mike. You
want it? You want it?

Don't, don't, don't!

- Hey, wait a minute.
- Please, Lou. Please.

- Make me a captain?
- Y-You're a captain.

You're a captain.

No, no!

[Indistinct shouting]

Please, please, put it back!

[Applause]

- Costello.
- Did you see me blow up the joint?

Yes, yes. You're an
awful flop as a cop.

But I'm glad it happened
that way. You know why?

Why?

We should leave those kind of things
in the hands of more capable men,

people that are really, uh,
qualified to handle such jobs.

Not... Not us.

You mean should
be run by the people

that are really running it?

The policemen. The
policemen themselves.

Now, Lou, haven't you something
to say to the folks out there,

to the little kiddies
and the neighbors, huh?

I know you have. Go ahead.

You know, ladies and
gentlemen, Mr. Abbott and I,

we have sort of had a lot
of fun with the policemen,

especially Mike the Cop.

It was all in fun, though.

- All in fun.
- That's right.

But to the little boys
and the little girls,

what we want to tell you right
now, we want you to listen to.

If you ever get in trouble,
never run away from a policeman.

Right.

Always run toward him.
He's there to help you.

If you ever want any advice,
don't be afraid of the policeman.

Don't think he's a bogeyman.

He's working for you.

Let him give you his advice.

That's what he's being paid for.

He wants to be a big brother
to you little boys and girls.

So the next time when you feel
you're in a little bit of a tight jam,

go to your nearest
policeman and say,

"Officer, would you help
me solve this little problem?"

And he'll help you, because
they're all a nice bunch of fellas.

That's the truth.

- So long, kiddies.
- Well said.

- Remember that.
- So long, ladies.

[Applause]