All language subtitles for Abbott_Costello S01E22 Las Vegas.DVDRip.HI.en.e-One

[Applause]

Now, what's this?

I'm getting sick
and tired of this.

Better watch out.

Oh, stop that, Lou. You
should be happy today.

She's a pretty girl.

Look at that.

You know, she has everybody's name
on that list but her own on that card.

- Never mind that. Look.
- I'd like to get her name.

- Aren't you interested in this?
- What's that?

That's your all-expenses-paid
trip to Las Vegas

that you won on
that quiz program.

Ah! Is this the... the expense
trip that we won on the quiz?

- Sure.
- Oh, boy!

- We're going to go to Las Vegas!
- Yeah.

- I'll tell you what we do, Bud.
- What?

What do you say you and I
take Hillary Brooke along with us?

Not a bad idea.

I-I think we owe her a vacation,
'cause she's a lovely girl.

Sure.

- She can watch over us, too.
- That's right.

Now, I want you to
have a good time.

I'm going to have a good time,

because I got money,
and I'm going to bet.

I'm going to bet mad.

I'll bet for you,
I'll bet for Hillary,

and I'll give you money,
you can have a good time.

- You can take Hillary to dinner.
- Don't run away with yourself.

I-I'm loaded. I'm going to
bet mad with my money.

You got money?

I wouldn't talk like that
if I didn't have money.

I'm loaded, I tell you. I
got a California bankroll.

- A California bankroll?
- Yeah.

Yeah, that's two $1 bills
wrapped around an orange.

Oh.

I'd like to have my driver's
license transferred, sugar plum.

It'll be a pleasure.
Where are you from?

Why, Atlanta,
Georgia, honey child.

Well, you just take this
application blank over to window 5,

and they'll fix you up.

Aw, thanks, sweetie pie.

Oh, excuse me, sugar dumpling.

Oh, I'm sure sugar dumpling
will excuse you, and so will I.

Thank you, Porky Pig.

Porky Pig?

Stop!

- Uh, where'd you go?
- Huh?

Oh, there you are.

What are you wearing
glasses for, Mister?

- Doctor's orders.
- I see.

Well, where can I get
this... This driver's license?

- Uh, right behind the desk.
- Thank you very much.

No, no. Over here. There he is.

He'll never pass the test.

Well, I see you passed
everything but your eye test.

Yes.

Mister, did you pass
your driver's test?

Well, when I was driving,
a car cut right in front of me,

so I went over the sidewalk,
down in the jewelry store,

down eight steps
into the basement.

Pretty good driving, huh?

I'll say so.

All right. Now
for your eye test.

Look at the chart on the wall.

What is the first
letter on the top line?

Do you mean the first
letter on the top line?

Yes. Tell me.

You...

"U." That's correct.
Here's your license.

Here it is, right here.

Mister, the door's
over this way.

Why don't you look
where you're going?

I hit you, didn't I?

Next, please.

- Here you are, Sir.
- Oh, not you, please.

My partner, Lou Costello,
wants a driver's license.

- Here you are.
- Okay.

- Lou Costello, huh?
- That's right.

Born?

Uh, some doubt about that.

- What do you mean, was I born?
- Answer the question.

What, do you think
I was hatched?

What state?

Bad state. Bad.

- Will you answer the man's question?
- New Jersey, New Jersey.

What kind of questions are
these? Drive the car. That's all.

- Eyes?
- Huh?

Eyes, eyes.

Yeah, I got eyes. I
got a couple eyes.

I got better eyes than the
other guy that was here.

I can see. I got eyes.

Be sensible. Just
answer the question.

I got two like everybody else.

Have you ever driven a car?

Uh...

I had a car.

I had an automobile.

What was the name of it?

I-I remember the last
two letters was like "AC."

- "AC?"
- "A-C?"

AC? Never heard of
a car with that name.

Look, uh, what did
it start with, a "T"?

No, it started with gas.

Oh, no, I remember now.
It was called a "maniac."

Maniac?

Yeah, 'cause every time
I went down the street,

people would say, "Here
comes that maniac."

Do you know anything
about the driving rules?

That's important?

Certainly he does.

Oh, sure, yeah. I know
a few things about it.

Now, when you see a woman
driving ahead, what do you do?

Start praying.

The rules say you must always
give a woman half the road.

That's a good idea.

If you only knew what
half of the road they want,

you're in good shape.

All highways are
divided, Mr. Costello.

Do you know what the white
line in the middle of the road is for?

Tell him.

Do I know what that white
line in the middle of the road...

Tell him. Tell the man.

That's for motorcycles.

Have you got your license blank?

Yeah, yeah, surely.
I just gave it to you.

- There it is.
- Oh, there is it. Right there.

- Now, have you signed it?
- Yeah.

Well, I'll have to sign
it, too, to make it legal.

Okay.

Why, this is awful.

I should never have signed this.

- What's the matter with that?
- It's the wrong blank.

What do you mean?

Why, you and I are married.

What are you talking
about, you and I are married?

It's a marriage license!

I went to the wrong
bureau over at City Hall.

I don't want to
be married to you.

Well, I don't want
to be married to you.

And I don't want to
be married to you.

And I don't want to
be married to you.

And I don't want to
be married to you.

You're not married
to each other.

I want a divorce!

- We're going to Las Vegas.
- Oh, you are?

We're going to have a good time.

Champagne is going
to flow like water.

In Las Vegas, champagne
costs $20 a bottle.

Root beer's going
to flow like water.

Hello, Ms. Fields.

How do you do?

Look, I'm going right
by the used-car lot.

You boys, follow me.

Come on. Walk this way.

Walk this way.

How do you do?

Hey, well, how are you?

- Welcome, welcome.
- Thank you.

- Welcome, everybody.
- Welcome, Mr. Abbott.

Hi, Sidney.

Welcome, Mr. Costello.

We have several cars here.

Which one do you...
Oh, why don't you stop?

Welcome, boys.

Everybody's friendly
at Friendly Fields.

I'd like to have you meet some
of my associates, Gentlemen.

Here's Truthful
Tim, my appraiser.

Over here, we have Handsome
Harry. He's honest as the day is long.

How are you?

And right behind you,
that's Double-crossing Dan.

All right, boys. Back to
your posts. Sell the cars.

Now, Bill said take
good care of the boys.

- Don't you worry.
- Good.

Gentlemen, step right up.

Here you are, Gentlemen.
Here is a beautiful car.

- This car costs $1,200.
- $1,200?

Costs $1,200. Sells for $2,300.

We don't want an
expensive car like that.

- Got something to trade maybe?
- Yeah, I'd like to trade Abbott.

[Indistinct speaking]

That's an idea.

How about Abbott's
car? How old is your car?

- How old is his car?
- Yes.

I don't know, but all I can tell
you, last year, when his car burned,

he had to give the
insurance company $1,100.

Well, we've got
every type of car.

What kind of a car
would you like to have?

I'd like to have one of
those cars that goes real fast.

It goes right through
the red lights,

and then when it
turns around a corner,

it don't even put its hand out.

And the thing never gets a
ticket, and it makes U-turns.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What make car do you call that?

A police car.

Okay, well, I've got just
the kind of car you want.

You want something
economical and cheap, don't you?

- That's it.
- What?

Economical and cheap.

That's the car. Economical.

Let's go. That's a good one.

That's right.

Hey, Abbott, this is a
beautiful, dull-looking car.

Johnny, will you take care
of the other car, please?

I'm glad you noticed
that, Mr. Costello.

This is our special for today.

Are you kidding?

Oh, that's a fine job. Oh, ho.

Mr. Costello, watch yourself.

Mr. Costello, I'm glad
you noticed this car.

- This is our special for today.
- How much is this one?

That car costs $23.75.

- Abbott.
- What?

- There's my dream car.
- Take it easy.

$23.75.

Isn't that a beaut?

- $23.75?
- That's correct.

How... How is the
motor in this car?

- Oh, this car doesn't have a motor.
- Huh?

No. Of course, if you want a
motor, we can get one for you.

I figured there was a
catch to this thing right here.

That'll cost you $23.75.

I didn't buy the car.

You touched it.

All I did was put my hat
on it! The thing fell apart!

All right, all right. Let's...

- Hey, Fields, come here.
- Huh?

This is a nice-looking car over
here. What's wrong with this one?

Nothing wrong with that car.

Just needed a
little water, that's all.

Oh.

What in the world did you touch?

What did you do?

All I did was look in there.

Look in there!

Aw, what are you talking about?

So? It's a motor.

Get a load of that guy.

Keep your fingers out of there.

[Laughs]

Nothing happened!

ABBOTT: What did you do now?

Don't worry about it.

Just a little accident.
We'll take care of it.

I know just exactly what
you want, gentlemen.

You want an economical car,

something that's very
cheap on gas, right?

I've got just the car
for you right over there,

the little foreign-made...

Cheap on gas and
a wonderful motor...

Wonderful motor.

- Turn it over.
- Huh?

Go ahead. You heard
the man. Turn it over.

Excuse me.

Eh, excuse you.

Don't ever ask me to do this
again. This ain't easy, you know?

This is hard to turn it over.

Think nothing of it, my boy.

I'll have one of my boys fix
it up, put it on your bill, $12.

- It's nothing.
- That's what you get... nothing.

Don't worry. I know
just what you want.

Stay here. I'll bring
something back.

Look, let's... let's get out.

Hey. What's this now?

You guys want to buy
a couple of tires cheap?

How much?

Two bucks.

How can you sell brand-new
tires for that kind of money?

Don't have a store.
Don't pay no rent.

Got no overhead.

Besides, I make
the deliveries myself.

Oh.

Aah! Don't touch
them. They're hot.

They're hot.

Get out of here!

We're going to wind up in...

The insane asylum!
What is this here?

What kind of a lot is this?

All right.

Here she is, boys.

Isn't this a beauty? Look
at that car, huh? Huh?

Well, how do you like it, huh?

Oh, Abbott, this is really
the car of my dreams.

This is the one we ought
to go to Las Vegas in.

Can we buy it?

Well, now, it's all
according to the price.

Don't worry about the
price, my dear man.

With this car, I throw you in
absolutely free a house trailer.

What do we want
a house trailer for?

Nowadays, everybody
needs a house trailer.

What for?

So you can have a place to live

while you're looking
for a place to park.

How much?

Oh, what's the difference?
The price is nothing.

This car is absolutely one
price and one price only... $385.

Oh, Costello hasn't
got that kind of money.

I said one price... $285.

But Mr. Fields, your
brother-in-law sent us up here

to do business with you.

No exceptions, $185.

Mr. Fields, I haven't
got... All I got is $90.

That's what I said.
One price... $90.

Not so fast, Mr. Fields.

Yeah. That's my $90.

But you said you had $90.

Yeah, but I didn't say I was
going to give you the $90.

I mean, I drive a hard... I-I'm
pretty smart, too, you know?

Here's what you do.

You come down a
little, I'll go up a little.

All right.

You say you'll give me
$30, I say $90, make it $80.

$40.

$70.

$50.

$60.

$70.

$50.

$80.

$40.

$90.

You got a deal.

He thinks he was going
to put a shenanigan on me.

I'm a pretty smart kid, boy.

Well, boys, you've bought
yourself an automobile.

It's a beauty.

The papers are all in
the glove compartment.

- Papers.
- All right, boys?

Get in. You've got
yourself a great automobile.

Now, pardon me.

- Just a minute, boys.
- Yes.

You've paid your ransom.
I can let you out now.

Okay. Open up.

Let me get in, will you, please?

Get in. Come on. Get in.

[Honks horn]

Push the button.

The button!

[Continuously honks the horn]

Okay. Come on, come on.

[Applause]

- Louie?
- Yeah.

We're off to Las Vegas.

And when we get there,

I don't want you to
fall for any of that gab

from those racetrack pals.

If you want to know
anything about horses,

you ask me, and
I'll let you know.

Look, Abbott, I don't have to ask
you anything about any race horsing,

because race horsing...
That's right up my alley.

- Oh, stop.
- Yes, it is, Abbott.

I know all about horse racing.

- You know, I saw a horse race once.
- You did?

I got to tell you about
this one. This was a pip.

Well, go ahead.

The jockey... he was
200 pounds overweight.

Yes.

The horse... he was
chained to the starting gate.

Chained?

- Chained to the starting gate.
- Hmm.

The horse was knock-kneed. He
started from a kneeling position.

On top of that, they had
the horse blindfolded.

No kidding.

What?

That race was fixed.

How do you know?

- That horse won.
- That...

Aw, stop!

Come on. We got to go
down and get Hillary Brooke

and start driving to Las Vegas.

Come on, kid. Come on.

What kind of driving is
that? You want to get a ticket?

I can't get a ticket. I
forgot my driver's license.

Aw, come on, Hillary!
Let's go see this.

That's the door.

Come on, Hillary!

Let's go to our
hotel! We'll have fun!

Wait a minute.
Where are you going?

Hey, now, wait a minute!

Oh, I thought that was Hillary.

You look so much like
Mr. Abbott. I'm sorry.

- Take your hat off.
- Yes, Sir.

You...

Ohh!

Ohh! Ohh!

Didn't hurt.

Well, here we are.

Oh, this is so exciting. It was
so nice of you boys to ask me.

- Hey, look.
- Hey.

Abbott, look who's
here. It's Mrs. Jackson.

She lives right across
the hallway from us.

She's our neighbor.
What's wrong?

Oh, I'm so glad to
see familiar faces.

- I'm in awful trouble.
- Well, what's the matter, dear?

I just lost my husband's entire
week's pay on the races... $47.

$47?

And if he finds out,
he'll... He'll kill me.

I'm afraid to go home
without the money!

Now, now, now, now, please...

Well, come on, Costello.
What are you waiting for?

Just a minute, Mrs. Jackson.

There we are. That'll
straighten it out.

Here's $47.

You can go and give it
back to your husband.

He'll never know that you was at
Las Vegas or you lost any money.

Ah!

Oh!

See that?

Oh, thank you, Mr. Costello.

Oh, so you sweet boy.

Are you sure
that's all you lost?

Louis, I'm really proud of you.

Come on.

Mr. Costello, I, um...

Well, I hate to
say this, but, uh...

Would you mind
giving me $10 more?

Give you $10 more?

I just gave you $47 so your husband
don't know you lost at gambling.

What do you want $10 more for?

I want to show my husband I won.

Oh, come on.

Let's sit down.

- Already I'm a loser in Las Vegas.
- Yeah, sure.

Where are you
going? Be a gentleman.

- I'm going to sit down.
- Ladies first.

- Oh, I see.
- That's the idea.

Thank you, Mr. Abbott.

Always remember
those things. That's right.

What are you doing?

What are you standing up for?
Why don't you sit down? It's better.

Look, go to the betting room

and find out what the, uh, odds
are on the handicap race, will you?

Okay. Don't go away,
folks. Order me something.

- We'll order you something.
- All right, Louis.

- What do you care for, Hillary?
- Oh, I would like, uh...

Oh, excuse me, Mister.

I see you're going into
the horse-betting room.

I'm bashful.

Would you mind betting this
$2 for me on Christmas Eve?

To win?

What, then, to lose?

You're a bigger dope than I am.

Psst! Come here, pal.

Do you want to get
in on a good thing?

What, do you got a tip?

Have I got a tip? I
have a page full of them.

Look. This is
today's dope sheet.

Guarantees you five
winners for 50 cents.

However, I have a
better one than that.

Look. This here is
yesterday's sheet.

This gives you eight
straight winners for $1.

Eight winners?

Sure.

For a dollar?

Yeah.

Sure winners?

Sure winners. Each one of them.

I'll take that one.

Here you are.

I think that's pretty
good maneuvering.

Mm-hmm.

You've got to
study these things.

I just bought a dope sheet.

Look at that. These
are some winners.

Dope sheet? You are a dope.

- That's yesterday's dope sheet.
- I just gave the guy a dollar for it.

A dollar for yesterday's news?

He got eight winners in
here. It's got eight winners.

- Of yesterday.
- Yesterday.

- What's the matter with you?
- Want to buy it for 75 cents?

I should say not.

50 cents?

No, Louis.

- Thing cost me a dollar.
- Oh, I know.

- 25 cents?
- No!

Got a nickel?

Jelly beans?

Nothing.

Throw it away.

How about this
horse, Bud... Bazooka?

Oh. Anything you want to
know about Bazooka, ask me.

He's a good mudder.

I beg your pardon?

Bazooka... He's a good mudder.

- He's a good mother?
- For sure.

Ridiculous. How can
a "he" be a mother?

Sometimes a he is a better
mudder than, uh... than a she.

A "he" is a better
mother than a "she?"

Sure.

A "she" has got to be
a mother, not a "he."

A "he" can't be a mother.

A "she" is a mother,
and a "she"...

A "he" can't be a better
mother than a "she."

- Sure he can.
- He can't.

Oh, absolutely.
Now, don't tell me, I...

Now, Louis, you obviously
don't know anything about horses.

Yes, I do, Hillary, because
once I bet on a racehorse

that only had three legs.

And what did he do
with the other leg?

Tripped the other horses.

Stop this nonsense.

Go on and get me the
dope on that big race.

I want to look over my form.

What?

- Look over my form.
- I'm going to look over Hillary's.

You'll do as I tell you
now. Stop this nonsense.

[Indistinct speaking]

Oh, what a clumsy...

Now, let's see.

Ah, my favorite game, football.

Hey, how would you
like to buy a dope sheet?

I never need one.

I bet and bet and
bet, but I never lose.

I got eight winners in
there from yesterday.

- You sure you don't want to buy it?
- No.

Don't want to buy it.

Would you like to
play a game of pool?

Sure.

Shall we choose up
to see who breaks?

Yeah.

See? I never lose.

I didn't even get a chance.

But I'll let you play first.

Thank you. You're a gentleman.

How about a side bet?

A side bet?

Yeah.

Las Vegas, gambling.

Side bet.

Okay.

Say a thousand dollars?

Oh, I'm sorry.

A thousand dollars. I
figured something like this...

- What's your name?
- Julius Caesar.

Ah!

And yours?

Brutus.

How do you do?

Julius Caesar. I figured
something like that would happen.

- Now, forget this thousand dollars.
- All right.

I didn't mean to insult you.

I just don't want you to insult
me, but forget the thousand dollars.

Yes, Sir.

Uh, say $2,000?

Who do you think you're playing
with, kids or something? $2,000!

Now cut it out!

Here. You shoot first.

Well, uh, thank you.

Just a minute.

You want to play for money, huh?

$3,000?

Abbott!

Let's make a penny a point.

That ain't too stuffy, is it?

Penny... Penny a point.

$3,000.

Ah!

Hey, Mr. Caesar, before you
shoot, I want to ask you something.

Now, you know all
about horses, don't you?

Well, I know a good
deal about horses.

I want to ask you something.

You see, my partner, Bud
Abbott, out there before...

He was telling that a,
uh, uh, he is a mother.

Well, I think your
partner's right.

A "he" horse is
very often a mudder,

especially if his forelegs
are bad in the front.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Now, I only asked you a question.

Don't get me irri... Uh,
uh, irritated, all right?

Don't do it, because I got
the four-leg business out there

with the horses, four legs in
the front and a couple clutches.

A horse has only got four legs
no matter how you look at it!

Sometimes a horse's legs
go bad because it's off its feed.

You see, sometimes a
horse refuses to eat its fodder.

Sure.

He should refuse
to eat its father!

Why should a horse go
around eating its father?

A horse sometimes
refuses to eat his fodder.

Well, he should
refuse to eat his father!

If I was a horse, I'd
refuse to eat my father!

- A horse should eat his fodder.
- He should?

But certainly.

What are we coming
to in this day and age?

A horse has got
to eat his father.

And h-how about...

How about the other kind of
horses, like the "she" horse?

The "she" horse...
Does she eat her father?

Let me explain.

If a horse doesn't eat
his fodder, he'll die.

Every horse has
got to eat his fodder.

Every horse has
got to eat his father?

The "she" horse eats her
father. The father eats his father.

The father eats his
own father's father.

The grandfather eats his father.

If they have a little baby
horse, she eats his father.

The first thing you know, there
ain't going to be no fathers left

for Fathers' Day.

Shall we continue?

Yes, Mr. Caesar,
we shall continue.

I will now put the 13
ball in the corner pocket.

I will now watch.

Will you...!

Sorry.

Will you...!

Sorry.

What do you think
happened to Louis?

I don't know. He
probably met another.

You know he's so dumb that he
sends mash notes to potatoes?

We'd better go and look for
him. Give me my hat, Hillary.

I think we'd better before
he gets into any more trouble.

[Crying]

[Cries louder]

Mrs. Jackson, what's wrong now?

Mr. Costello, I-I
just hate to say this,

but could you let
me have $10 more?

What's wrong with
you, Mrs. Jackson?

I gave you $47
when I first came in,

then I gave you $10
to make you a winner

so you'd be happy
with your husband.

Now, I know, but honest,
I was on my way out,

and they grabbed me and
forced me back into the game.

- They forced you back in?
- Yes, Sir.

The culprits, to do that to a
woman, forcing you back in.

- Here's $10.
- Oh, thank you.

But this I got to tell
you, Mrs. Jackson.

You got to be
careful with money,

'cause when you want to bet
like this in a gambling place,

you got to have plenty of money.

Oh, so you're right.

And I'm going to make
that eight the hard way...

Three fours, if it takes
every dollar you've got.

Don't go away.

Eight the hard way, three fours?

Hey, there ain't no three
fours in eight, is there?

No. There's four.

Four?

How you can be misled.

I might propose a five.

Hey.

Louis, what happened?
We were waiting for you.

What are you doing now?

Mrs. Jackson was here. I
gave her some more money.

Nice vacation I'm
having. Stand by.

- What are you doing?
- I'm going to bust these balls.

- Come on. Finish your game.
- Okay.

[Applause]

Ah, stop your foolishness.

You know, gambling...

Gambling is just a poor excuse
of getting something for nothing.

- I'm glad you brought that up, Buddy.
- Well, I know the truth.

- I'm going to tell you something.
- What?

- Never again will I gamble anymore.
- You mean it?

Las Vegas taught me a lesson.

Never to gamble,

and I will never gamble
again, so help me.

- Is that from the heart, Lou?
- That's from my heart.

Well, I don't believe it.
You'll be gambling tomorrow.

You want to bet?

[Applause]