All language subtitles for Abbott_Costello S01E21 Television.DVDRip.HI.en.e-One

[Applause]

How do you do?

Why is it that every week, you
put this in front of my kisser?

Some day, I am
going to... Oh, oh...

Quiet.

And ask you for a date.

Lou, I've got some
great news for you.

What is it?

Bacciagalupe is installing
a television set in our room,

on approval.

Oh, goodie! And now I can
watch all my quiz programs!

- Oh, you like quiz programs?
- Oh, I love quiz programs, Abbott.

I want to tell you
something about my brother,

because he's very important.

That's why I'm glad we got
the television set in there.

My brother Pat, for 52 weeks,

he's always sitting alongside
of his television set there,

and he's always
watching the quiz show,

because he knows
he's going to win.

He's waiting for the quiz show
to call him up on the telephone

and tell him he won.

- And nothing happened?
- Nothing happened.

- Can you imagine that?
- He knew all the answers, too.

He did? Knew all the answers?

But next week, he's going to
have a better chance to win.

Why?

He's getting a telephone.

Aah!

I think we ought to
thank Mr. Bacciagalupe

for bringing over
his television set.

Yes, thanks, Mr. Bacciagalupe,
but we have guests here.

They're waiting
to see television.

- Hey, Mr. Bacciagalupe.
- Eh?

- Is that thing dated?
- What thing?

This over here.

Will you stop touching!

- Oy!
- Come on over here and sit down.

That answer your question now?

Yeah, that answers
all questions.

- Come here, sit down.
- It blew a fuse.

There we are.

- Ooh!
- All right.

Well, as soon as Bacciagalupe
finishes fixing up the set,

we'll see some great TV.

What program are
we going to watch?

My favorite giveaway
program, "Hold That Cuckoo."

Well, I hope it isn't one of
those programs that say,

"Send in the box top,
mail in your box top,

bring in your box top."

I wonder what's going to happen

if they keep talking
about the box tops.

We'll all blow our tops.

All right, folks, the
television... She's ready now.

We're going to look on him now.

Thank you very much,
ladies and gentlemen.

And now we're going to
continue on with our show,

"Hold That Cuckoo."

And now to our next contestant.

- Well, here's Ms. Kathleen O'Malley.
- Yes.

- And Mr. James Alexander.
- That's right.

How are you, and
welcome to our show.

It's nice to have you here.

How long have you
two known each other?

- About a year.
- Yes, and we're engaged.

Oh. Isn't that lovely, huh?

Can you still get
batteries with those?

As a matter of fact,
since you're both engaged,

I'm sure that you've
had plenty of practice

with this particular
type of a stunt,

so, uh, Kathleen, if
you'd step back here,

and, uh, Jimmy.

Now, here's the
idea of this stunt.

You must pick up
one of these balloons,

hand it to your boyfriend,

and he must place it in this
box before we hear the cuckoo.

- Oh, well, that's easy.
- Uh-huh.

Oh, I almost forgot.

You see, you can't use
your hands in this contest.

You've got to pick up
the balloon with your teeth.

And then your boyfriend, in turn,
must take it from you with his teeth

and then place it in this box
before we hear the cuckoo.

And we're all set
to hold that cuckoo.

That's good. All
right, get it to old Jim.

Come on.

Let's hurry up. Let's
beat the cuckoo.

That's good. Oh,
there's a good one.

Oh, I'm sorry. You
failed to hold that cuckoo.

But we do have a
consolation prize for you.

So if you'll just step
over to our cashier,

why, she'll take care of you.

- And better luck next time.
- Thanks, Jimmy.

- Thank you, Kathleen.
- Thank you. Bye.

Well, that about winds
it up for today, folks.

We sincerely hope
you enjoyed our show.

And remember that
"Hold That Cuckoo"

is designed and produced
entirely for your enjoyment.

And incidentally, did you
have a lot of fun today, hmm?

No, you.

Yes, you.

Well, come a little closer.

Come a little closer.

No, a little closer.

Come here.

Now, if you enjoyed our show...

You saw a lot of very wonderful
stunts on this program today.

Weren't they simple?

Don't you think you
could do those stunts?

Don't you think you
could do them better?

Eh.

Would you like to
come on this program?

Well, why don't you?

And bring some of
your friends down.

Hey, you folks want to go?

Sure. You may win, uh, a
prize, and I'll split it with you.

Say yes.

Yeah.

Good-bye.

Good-bye, now.

Oh, Bingo, hello. How are you?

Been a good little baby, Bingo?

Here, you sit up here.

Turn around.

Oh, you have a note for me.

Who is the note from? Let...

It's a note from Louis, Bingo.

"Dear Hillary, may I
call you Ms. Brooke?

Thanks.

And I want to thank you so much

for babysitting with
my little pal, Bingo.

He usually takes a
nap each morning,

between 11 and 12.

Personally, I think that's too
many in one bed, don't you?

If Bingo should get naughty..."

Uh, "Eh?

Very respectfully,
I'm yours truly, Louis."

"Eh?"

I wonder what that means,
Bingo. Do you know?

Oh!

- What did you do?
- Buddy!

- What happened?
- My arm! What's going on there?

How do you do,
lady? How do you do?

My arm!

[Indistinct shouting]

Get it! Attaboy! He got it!

[Indistinct shouting]

The arm... the arm is...

[Indistinct shouting]

Get it!

- Come on, now.
- Get it!

Oh, come on.

Bingo, you're a naughty Bingo.

How do you do,
ladies and gentlemen,

and welcome to your favorite
quiz program, "Hold That Cuckoo."

Now, to get things
underway today,

let's see who we have in
our audience as contestants.

Well, well, you're a
lovely-looking young lady.

My name is Bob
Hopkins. Who are you?

Margaret Plim.

Oh. Very nice indeed to
meet you. Where are you from?

L.A.

Oh, Los Angeles?

No, Lake Arrowhead.

Ah.

Would you mind
changing with me, please?

Thank you very much.

Well, you're a
lovely-looking young lady.

Uh, what is your name?

- Jean Goodman.
- Uh-huh.

- Where are you from, Jean?
- L.A.

Oh, Lake Arrowhead?

No, Louisiana.

Do you mind changing
with me, please?

Well, you're a
lovely-looking young, uh...

Uh, who are you two fellas?

- Uh, I'm Abbott.
- I'm Costello.

Oh, I see. Where are you from?

L.A.

Oh, uh, Los Angeles?

Paterson, New Jersey.

Would you, uh, girls, step
down here with me, please?

- Wait a minute. You're not a girl.
- I play with dolls.

Now, uh, you all
understand the game?

You know, this stunt is based
on three well-known names.

You must answer them correctly

before we hear the
sound of the cuckoo.

Now, in this particular
group, we have three names,

and I'll give you the first two.

Now, here they
are, "Tom, Dick..."

"Riley!"

Please, please.

Why don't you go out into
traffic and play a little bit, hmm?

Uh, now, I'll
give you the, uh...

I'll give you the
question again,

and this time, no
coaxing from the audience.

- "Tom, Dick, and..."
- "Harry."

That's absolutely correct.

And now, uh,
question number two.

What well-known
name is in this saying...

- "For the love of..."?
- "Cecil!"

Please, you poor little man.

I'll give it to you again.

What well-known
name is in this saying...

- "For the love of..."?
- "Mike."

Correct. All right.

You're right. It's Mike.
And now the third name.

Now, think carefully, because
this is very, very difficult this time.

- "Everything is..."
- "Hunky-dory!"

Shh!

Hunky-dory. "Hunky-dory"
is not a man's name.

I know a "Hunky" in
Paterson, New Jersey.

Now, I'll give it to you again.

"Everything is..."

"Rosy."

"Rosy" is correct, and you...
You have held that cuckoo,

which entitles you now
for a second chance

to hold that cuckoo
for our big prize.

Now, we have a
wonderful little stunt here.

Uh, Becky.

Now, we're going to have
to dress you young ladies

for this particular stunt.

Now, uh, I want you to,
uh, slip this little hat on.

- I got it!
- Huh?

"Becky!"

I never forget a fella's
face, but in his, uh...

In his case, I'll
make an exception.

Uh-huh.

Now, this scene takes
place in a little apartment.

You're in your apartment, and
the apartment's on fire, you see?

And we have these balloons.

Each balloon represents
the flames, see?

Now, slip your shoes off. Now,
you've got to put the fire out.

Now, you do that by stomping
out, putting out each balloon.

You've got to, put all the fire
out before we can hear the...

Bare feet?

Barefooted, yes, before
we can hear the cuckoo.

In the meantime, you're the
fireman. Now, she yells "fire."

When you hear her yell
"fire," you come running in

with the, uh, fire extinguisher,
and you put the fire out. All right?

Oh, I almost forgot. You've
got to do this blindfolded.

Here, I'll hold the fire extinguisher.
Both of you put the blindfolds on.

All right. Now we're all
set to hold that cuckoo.

Here's the fire extinguisher.

And you're in your apartment,
and it's blazing away.

All right. Let's put the
fire out. Here we go.

Fire!

Fire, fire, fire, fire!

I'll save you! I'll save you!

- Fire, where are you?
- I'll save you!

- I'll save you!
- Fire!

- I'll save you!
- Get out of here!

Come on!

I'll save you!

Get out!

I'll save you!

Oh, I'm sorry. You
failed to hold that cuckoo.

You missed our big prize,

but we do have a
consolation prize for you,

and we'll get you
all cleaned up.

So if you'll just step
over to our cashier's desk,

uh, she'll take care of you.

Thank you very much,
and better luck next time.

And now to our next contestant.

He's perspiring. Look at him.

- All right.
- Now we get a chance, huh?

Yes, you do. Yes. Mr., uh,
Abbott, and Mr. Costello.

Now, your first stunt is
"Famous Things in Music."

Now, you're ready
to hold that cuckoo?

Sure.

- You get good prize, don't you?
- Oh, yes, wonderful prizes.

All right. Here's the first
question. "What is the scale?"

285 and a defense plan.

No, no, no, no. Musical scale.

Oh.

♪ 285 and a defense plan ♪

All right, all right.

That's close enough.
We'll give you that. Thanks.

Now the orchestra's going to
play a short musical selection.

I want you to give me
the first word of the title.

All right, professor.

[Orchestra plays]

I...

"I" is correct.

"I Dream of Jeanie with
the Light Brown Hair."

I'm smart!

All right. Now the orchestra
will play one more tune.

I want you to give me the title.

[Orchestra plays]

From what opera is that?

What kind of stuff
is this? From...

Just a "bip!"

What the...?

You should know.

Bacciagalupe's
wife s-sang "bip!"

Something like that.
Bacciagalupe's wife.

- What was it?
- Bacciagalupe's...

"Bip!"

I'm sorry, your time is up.
You failed to hold that cuckoo.

Ooh!

Well, we have some
other stunts for you.

So, since you fellas...

Hey, do you mind if I
dry up my face a little bit?

Oh, not at all. I wish you'd have
dried up earlier in the program.

- He's a smart cookie, this guy.
- Go on, dry out.

Now, we have a little stunt
right here for you, Mr. Abbott.

- For me now?
- Yes, yes. This is very simple.

- Oh, now it's my turn, huh?
- Yes.

I'm sure you'll
enjoy this very much.

Would you like to open
your jacket for just a moment?

Now, we place
the funnel in here.

Now, the idea
of this little stunt

is to place this coin on
your forehead. You see?

Now, let's place it
up in there like that.

Now what do I do?

When I count to three, I want
you to drop the coin into the funnel,

and you must accomplish
this before we hear the cuckoo.

- All right. Are you ready?
- I'm ready.

All right.

Aah!

Oh, no, no, no.

Hey, that girl... That
Becky's a nice girl.

Oh, that's a nice girl, yes.

- Well, come on. More questions.
- How about him, hmm?

Oh, well, that's the
second half of the stunt.

Now, you...

Wait a minute. You did
something without me?

Yes. You missed the first
part of the stunt, you see?

I guessed it, too.

- Did he guess it?
- Very good.

- Well, come on.
- Now it's up to you.

- Okay.
- Can I do it?

Oh, absolutely. Wish you would.

All right. Now, here.

Hold this in your
hand over there.

Now hold your head
back. That's the idea.

Now, I'm putting this coin
on your forehead, like that.

Hold your head back.

Now, don't drop it off there.

- Did you do it?
- Oh, sure.

- All right. See this funnel?
- Yeah.

You put this in your pants, see?

Do I see the funnel?
I'm looking up here.

- Let me see the funnel!
- There it is!

Now I see the
funnel. "Do I see the..."

Wait a minute.

"Do I see the funnel?"
He's holding it up.

- M-My head is up here...
- With a coin up there.

The idea is when I count to
three to have that coin in the funnel.

- You think you can do it?
- You mean go...

Now, wait a minute. That's it.

- Go ahead.
- When I count to three.

- Go ahead.
- Now, hold it.

Go ahead.

Uh...

1...

Go ahead.

And... 2.

Come on, come on. Get
to three. I'm getting hot.

And... 2 1/2.

Come on. I'm
getting hot. Get to 3.

- He's got a wooden leg.
- Hurry up before the cuckoo goes.

No. He's got sponge
underwear on.

3.

- That's all?
- That's all.

Oop! How do you
like that? I missed it.

Hey, how did you do that?

Did I win?

Mr. Costello, you did it.

After all these weeks,
you finally accomplished...

What do you think
I went off there for?

I've got brains
I ain't used yet!

Yes, you have, and
you held that cuckoo.

Brains I ain't used yet!

Well, don't let them
go to your head.

- And you've got...
- W-What does he win?

Well, he wins the great
big prize. Yes, he does.

The big prize.

All these weeks, you have the large,
economy package of bubble gum.

Package of bubble gum?

For what I went through, I
get a package of bubble gum?

Yes, you won it.

Yes, and here. I
want to give it to you.

There you are.

I get this bubble
gum for all I...

Why you...

[Applause]

You know, Lou, it's a shame
the way they bounced us around

on that quiz
program on television.

I don't think so.

And all we've got to
show for it is bubble gum.

- I won the bubble gum.
- That's because you're ignorant.

Give me three reasons what
makes you think I'm ignorant.

- Three reasons you want?
- Yeah.

Give me three reasons
why I'm ignorant.

Quiet, quiet. Number one.

Yeah?

You're a dope.

Never mind.
Forget the other two.

Eh!

I want you to answer me.

Just say something... something
that makes sense that I...

How can you answer me?

You've always got your
mouth full of bubble gum.

I like it!

- Take it out.
- No!

- Spit it out.
- No!

- Take it out.
- No!

Take it out.

Don't tell me no when I say yes.

Oh! Oh, I'm hurt!
I broke my leg!

Hey.

Uh, uh, get a
doctor. Get a doctor.

Never mind a doctor! Get
me a lawyer! I'm bleeding!

Hurry up. Somebody
get a lawyer for this guy.

He's bleeding, he's bleeding.

- He's bleeding.
- What's that?

90-proof blood.

Come on. Stand back, everybody.

What happened
here? What is this?

What happened? Come on.

Officer, I was walking
down the street here,

and I slipped on some rubbish,
and I fell and broke my leg.

Now I demand you to arrest this
man that owns the apartment house,

because I'm going to sue!

Well, now, wait a minute.

I know the man that
runs this rooming house,

and he's a very fine man.

Just a minute, Mike.

I know you live in
this rooming house,

but the law's the law.

There'll be no favoritism.

I'll just stand here and see
how you handle this case.

All right, Sergeant.

Boys, would you go and
get Mr. Fields for me?

- Be delighted.
- Thank you.

- Was you hurting?
- Yeah. I broke my leg.

Too bad.

- I'm going to sue him!
- Now, now, wait.

I'm going to sue both of them!

- Well, Mr. Fields.
- Hmm?

This man claims that he
slipped and fell on the sidewalk

due to your negligence of
leaving rubbish on the sidewalk.

My negligence?

That's right. I'm going
to sue you for $10,000.

I'm the guy that put the
bubble gum on the ground.

I don't care who did what. I
demand you arrest this man.

Well, that does it.

I'm sorry, Mr. Fields,
but you're under arrest.

Now, wait a minute,
Mike. Wait a minute.

You mean you're going
to put Mr. Fields in jail?

I-I've got to.

You mean, behind
the bars, in a cell?

Do you mind if I give him a
magazine so he can read?

- Here, Mr. Fields.
- Thank you.

He's going to jail.

- A magazine for me to read in jail?
- Yeah.

"Outdoor Life."

Look, please, will
you listen to me.

How many times do I have
to go over this thing with you?

There's only a few little
words that you have to think up.

Now look, Hillary Brooke has
two girlfriends coming up here

as witnesses.

Uh, incidentally, have
you seen Mr. Fields?

Oh, no. Mr. Fields... He's
going to be his own lawyer.

His own?

Yeah, he's going
to represent himself.

Himself?

Yeah, he went to law
school for 11 years.

Law school for 11 years?

He was the janitor.

Look, please, just
listen to me again.

I'll repeat it and repeat it
so this is all you have to say.

- It's hard to remember.
- Oh, what's so hard about it?

Words.

Look, when you're called
on, all you have to say

is that I was standing on the
steps of the rooming house...

Isn't that simple enough?

When you saw that man stagger
and bump into me, the plaintiff.

Yeah.

I was standing on
the bottom of the steps

when I saw that man
stagger and bump into me.

- He was plain stiff.
- He was... No, no, no, no!

- Not "plain stiff."
- You said, "plain stiff."

Look, will you please?
It's just a few little words.

Hello, cutie. What do you know?

Well, I was standing on the bottom
of the steps when I saw that man...

Please, please, please.

Louis, these girls are going to be
the witnesses, and they're all set.

- Now, do you boys know what to do?
- Oh, sure.

I was standing on the bottom of
the steps when I saw that man...

- I'll tell you when.
- Oh.

Oh, my.

I'm a lawyer.

Order. Order in the court.

I was standing on the
corner... I was standing...

Order!

Justice of the peace,
court of [mumbling] in order,

ready to hear the evidence.

Uh, this is the case of, um, John
Rednose versus Sidney Fields.

Bring in the prisoner.

Mr. Fields, you are
accused of negligence

in not properly removing
trash from your property.

How do you plead?

Just don't stand
there. Say something.

Somebody say something!

I was standing on
the bottom of the...

Ooh!

Ooh!

Are you represented by counsel?

Mr. Fields will
defend his own case.

Okay.

Were you present when
this accident occurred?

Uh, no, but, uh,
Costello and I were.

I was standing on the
bottom of the steps...

Proceed.

Proceed.

Quiet, young man!

Thank you.

Proceed, Mr. Fields.

I should, uh... I should
like to call some witnesses.

I spent three weeks in
preparing this case, Your Honor...

Three whole weeks.

Mr. Bud Abbott, would you
mind taking the stand, please?

- Yes, please.
- Thank you.

- Here, Your Honor.
- Thanks.

Hey, Abbott. Hiya, boy.

- Shh. Quiet.
- Hiya.

Raise your right hand.

Do you swear to tell
the truth, the whole truth,

nothing but the
truth, so help you?

I do.

State your name.

Bud Abbott. Let's
start the case.

I was standing at the
bottom of the steps...

- Sit down!
- Oh!

Young man, you
must learn the law.

Here.

Put your little nose right
against this law book.

Ooh!

That'll teach you to respect.

That's funny.

Put it down!

I don't know.

This is driving me mad.

Oh, what a relief.

Thank you, young man.

Let's get going, Mr. Fields.

Mr. Abbott, Sir,

will you tell the court
exactly what happened?

Well, you see, I was standing
on the steps of my rooming house.

Wait a minute, Abbott!
You're stealing my lines.

Order, order!

I'll have a plain seltzer.

Your Honor! Your
Honor, I appeal! I appeal!

I'll peel your bald head!

And young man, I appeal to you.

You don't appeal to me.

Oh!

Proceed, Mr. Fields.

Mr. Abbott, will you
please tell the court,

did you see the plaintiff here
as he came down the street?

Yes, and he was
walking very unsteady.

I object, Your Honor!

Sit down.

Quiet, Mr. Rednose! You'll
have your chance later.

- Continue, Mr. Fields.
- Thank you.

Mr. Abbott, your implication
definitely and conclusively signifies

that this plaintiff
was inebriated.

Now, Sir, do you have any
relevant, pertinent, or corroborative...

Just a minute, Mr. Fields.

What are you trying to
do, confuse the court?

I want you to use words
like "if," "and," and "but."

"If," "and," and "but?"
I'm not trying to...

Want some bubble gum?

Oh! Will you shut up?

Chew your bubble
gum and keep quiet.

- Continue, Mr. Fields.
- All right.

Now, Mr. Abbott, is there anyone else
who is now present in this courtroom

who saw exactly what took place?

Uh, yes. Those three
girls were eyewitnesses.

How did that get in here?

MR. FIELDS: Your Honor,
Mr. Bud Abbott was testifying.

We've heard enough
from you, Mr. Abbott.

Let's hear what
Mr. Costello has to say.

Lou Costello.

- Now?
- Now's your chance.

- Now I'm going to talk?
- Go ahead.

Go ahead, Mr. Costello, please.

- I'll tell him what you...
- That's it.

[Sighs]

Well, um...

Go ahead, go ahead, go ahead.

Tell him about the...

- What I told you?
- What?

- Mr. Costello.
- Yeah, all right, all right.

I'm going to tell them now.

You see, I was
standing on, um...

- Yes? Yes?
- Huh?

- Steps.
- Steps?

Steps, steps, steps!

- I meant...
- Yes.

I was standing on the
bottom of the steps when, uh...

Tell him.

That man shot
that girl over there.

No!

I mean that girl
shot him over there.

No!

Who shot...?

Somebody was shot.

MR. FIELDS: Just a minute!
Nobody in this courtroom was shot!

He's loaded.

Mr. Fields, will you please
carry on with this case?

All right. We'll straighten
it out very shortly.

- Mr. Bud Abbott, Sir.
- Yes.

You claim that you
and these three ladies

saw this man, this plaintiff,
staggering down the street,

and he bumped
into Mr. Lou Costello.

Is that right?

I'm positive.

You're positive.

He's positive,
positive, positive.

- You're positive?
- I'm positive.

He's positive,
positive, positive.

He's positive. He's positive.
He's positive, positive, positive.

He's positive. He's positive.
He's positive, positive, positive.

He's positive. He's positive.
He's positive, positive, positive.

He's positive,
positive, positive.

He's positive,
positive, positive.

Order! Stop!

Aah!

[Indistinct speaking]

Aah!

Will you please go
on with the case?

Why, of course, Your Honor.

Mr. Abbott, will you please
re-enact this accident for the judge?

- With pleasure.
- Right here.

Um, Mr. Costello,
please, come down here.

Now...

Uh, right over here.

Now, Mr. Costello was
standing, uh, about like that,

minding his own
business, mind you,

when this rubber-nose
puss over here

came along and
pushed him like that.

I object, Your Honor! That's
not the way it was done!

Order!

He pushed me like that!

You're all wrong.

Nobody pushed him at all.

They choked him like that.

Officer! Aah!

Officer!

Do... Do you realize
what you're doing?

How dare you?

Get!

How dare you mistreat
this poor little man?

Yeah.

I was not choked, your Honor.

Would you care to show me
just how the accident occurred,

Mr. Costello?

Rudolph the red-nosed
reindeer pushed me like this.

[Applause]

You know, I should have
let that judge sentence you

as he wanted to.

Is that so? I got news
for you, Bud Abbott.

I want to tell you.
You tell me what to do.

Hillary Brooke tells me what to
do. Sidney Fields tells me what to do.

Mike the Copper's trying to
do... He's trying to run me in.

- And the judge don't like my face.
- Don't...

Everybody's making me mad.
And I want to tell you something else.

Hillary was supposed
to bring in the witness.

Now, don't blame it on her.

She was supposed to say
that the guy was coming down

and went like this and fell.

Hillary Brooke is the one that
got everybody all mixed up!

Don't blame it on Hillary.

- I'll blame it on Hillary!
- Well, don't do it.

And if I ever see Hillary,
I'll tell her right to her face!

I'll say Hillary, if I ever...

If I ever...
Hillary, if I ever...

[Indistinct speaking]

[Applause]