All language subtitles for Abbott_Costello S01E16 The Politician.DVDRip.HI.en.e-One

[Applause]

- I'll belt you.
- Stop it, Lou.

Every week, it's the same thing

with that thing right
in front of my kisser!

Ah, well, we've got
to introduce the folks.

And that reminds me
why that girl does that...

That reminds me of something.

What?

Was that really something
you were fixing up

on the telephone with Hillary
about a date or something?

That's none of your business.

Well, I think it is,

because every time I see some
girl's on the telephone for me,

right away you say,
"You shouldn't do this,"

and you're always
balling me out.

Well, you're crazy about girls.

That's all you talk
about is girls, girls, girls.

With me, it's different.
I like friendship.

Boys and girls, to me,
they're good friends.

Yeah.

That's all. They're
both the same to me.

- They're both the same?
- Sure.

Boys and girls are
both the same to you?

Sure.

What's the matter?

Wait till you try
getting into the YWCA.

Are you in for a surprise.

Will you stop
following me, please?

I'm going to take
Hillary out tonight.

- Oh, no.
- We're going...

What do you mean you're
going to take Hillary out?

I'm taking Hillary to a
band concert tonight!

Now, just a minute!

Listen, let this man talk.
Get over there and sit down.

ABBOTT: I'm taking
Hillary out tonight.

What do you mean
you're taking her out?

I'm taking her out! I'm the
one she's really crazy about!

Now, who are you pushing?

I told you, this is nothing
for a young boy to listen to!

Just because you've
got a uniform on,

don't think you're running
this room right now.

I can take this uniform
off. I can take it off.

Wait, I'll tell you
what I'll do with you.

- What'll you do with me?
- Let Hillary decide on it.

- All right.
- We'll go over to the door there.

You've got a gun. We'll...

Sit down! This is nothing
for a little boy to hear.

No, you shouldn't be listening.

We'll go to the door, and
we'll have an argument.

You say you'll take her
out. I'll say I'll take her out.

You'll say you'll take her
out. I'll say I'll take her out.

- What are you doing to me?
- Never mind.

- Then you fire two shots on the floor.
- Yeah.

We'll fall down. She'll
think we're dead.

Now she'll come to
the one that she likes.

I'll prove to you
that she likes me.

Well, I don't like
it, but I'll do it.

- Come on.
- Go ahead.

What do you mean? I'm
taking Hillary out tonight!

Oh, you're crazy! I'm
taking Hillary out tonight!

I'm taking Hillary out
'cause she likes me!

She likes me better
than she likes you.

- I'm taking her out.
- She likes me!

Now don't give me that lip!

Listen, why should
she go out with you?

Now, don't give me any of that!

Don't you talk to me like that!

Don't you talk to
me like that, Abbott!

- I've had enough!
- Listen, I've got a gun!

- I've got a gun, too!
- Well, I've got a gun!

All right! That
does it! Take that!

[Gunshot]

All right, then take that!

[Gunshot]

Aah!

Mike is dead!

Bud is dead!

They're both dead!

Louis, my darling!

Alone at last!

I wasn't even playing!

"Louis, my darling"?
What kind of stuff is that?

Why, you little
overstuffed penguin!

And I wasn't even
playing that game!

I mean, she counted me in.

This was a great idea of yours.

I knew you weren't dead.

I heard the whole
plot through the door.

Hey, hey!

I heard a couple of shots!

Mike, Mike.

- Were you cleaning your gun again?
- Oh, what are you talking about?

Oh, so it was you, huh?

Give me that gun!

It's his.

Hillary, have you
got some coffee?

- Yes, Mike.
- Could I have a cup?

Surely.

Eh.

Lou, what are you, an imbecile?

He shouldn't have taken
that money from you.

Now we know that
Mike fired those shots,

and he charges you for
the holes in his carpet.

Well, this time he
won't get away with it.

Now, here's what
you're going to do.

You got another idea?

I've got a wonderful
idea this time.

- Here I go.
- What are you... go where?

I always go someplace
when you got an idea.

Don't worry. This won't
harm you in the least.

If you go to jail...

Listen, this is one time
I'll work hard with you, boy.

I'll work... I'll get you out
if it takes me 20 years.

Throw a rock up there
and break that window.

Hit the side in.

You want me to throw a rock
up there and break the window?

Break the window. When
he comes out, just insult him.

- Say anything that you want to him.
- Are you out of your mind?

Wait a minute.
I'll be down here.

I'll take a picture of him
abusing you, beating you up.

Then we'll take him to court

and we'll sue him for
everything he's got.

We may take the whole
rooming house away from him.

How do you like that
idea? That's brains.

You want me to take a rock
and throw it through the window?

Through it through the window.

Then when Mr. Fields comes out
and says, "Who did it?", I'm brazen.

I say, "I did it with
my own little stone!"

That's the idea, but
make him insult you.

Yeah. Then he comes
and he insults me

and I insult him and then he...

That's right. Make
him beat you up.

You're going to take a picture.

I'll take the picture of him,
and we'll take him to court.

- Brother, we'll get plenty out of him.
- That's the best idea you ever had.

Well, there you are, you see?

Go ahead. You'll
find one around there.

Got one?

Go ahead.

Right here.

Go ahead. I'll get it.

Break that window.

Go ahead, insult him.

Go ahead, insult him.

Go on up there and insult him.

Insult him.

Hey, Mr. Fields!

Who threw that rock
through my window?

I threw that rock, Sir!

Oh, you did, huh?

Yeah, what are you
going to do about it, baldy?

Baldy?

Baldy? What's
wrong with my head?

- Hey, Mr. Fields?
- Yes?

Do you sleep with
that head on a pillow?

I certainly do.

How do you keep
it from sliding off?

What's the matter, smarty?

Didn't you ever see
anything like this before?

Something like this here?

I saw something like that once
before in a barn under an old hen.

Let me tell you
something, my boy!

Let that be a lesson to you!

And if you don't
pay for that window,

I'm going to give you
a punch in the nose!

Did you get it?

Get what?

He just gave
you one little slap.

That don't mean
anything in court.

That wouldn't
stand up with a jury.

That wouldn't stand up
with a judge. He'd laugh at it.

What, are you going to take a
man's building away from him

just from a little slap?

Insult him!

I want to get a good
beating up here!

Come on.

Hey, you bald-headed janitor!

Did you call me a janitor?

You heard what I
called you, you...

I've seen better looking
pins under the icebox.

I don't happen to be a janitor.

I'm the proprietor of
this boarding house.

- Come on...
- I'm a successful man!

I know.

You're always coming out on top.

Oh, you're trying
to stop me, huh?

Let me tell you...
You see this fist?

How do you like that, huh?

You'll start with me,
will you, you idiot.

How was that one?

No good. Why didn't
you take it off him?

Keep insulting him.
Don't let him do the talking.

He's doing all the talking.
You're just standing there...

Let me take the
picture. You insult him.

Wait a minute. You're the
one that's got to sue him.

The guy's belting me around!
Now take the picture, will you?

You haven't insulted him enough!

- You're right, you're right.
- Say something real mean.

Say something mean to him.

Hey, you curly-headed,
bald-headed...

If you had hair...

If you had hair,
you curly-headed...

Give me insults.

If I had hair, huh?

Nothing but a janitor!

One more remark from
you, and I'll hit you so hard,

you'll have to unbutton your shoes
every time you blow your nose!

Next time I'll get rough!

Go ahead, go ahead, insult him.

- You get it?
- Get what?

Picture?

No, no, no. Insult
him first. Go ahead.

- Insult him?
- Yeah.

He was just here! Didn't
you take the picture?

He was here?

He just kicked me
all over the sidewalk!

Why don't you tell me
those things? I didn't see it.

- I mean...
- I was standing right here.

How can I take a
picture if I don't see it?

Now insult him.

Come on.

Come on. We'll fix him.

He's not putting
the moves on me.

Hey, you!

Come here!

Oh, you swine, you!

Thataboy!

We got it!

Lou, get over here.

You did it, boy!

- Thataboy!
- Let's take him to court.

We'll take him to court.
What we will do with him, boy!

Ah, that stuff is
right in here. I...

Why didn't you remind
me to put film in here?

You're a fine...

There it is right
there, all the time.

No film in the camera.

There he is. There he is.

That's the man who broke
my window. Lock him up!

So, you've been
breaking windows, huh?

This is just what
I've been waiting for.

All right, come
on. Come with me.

What's happening here, Mike?

Oh, this little miscreant has
been disturbing the peace.

I'm going to run him in.

Now, just a moment, Mike.

Pardon me, but are you
two boys registered voters?

Why, Councilman, you know
that. We've always voted for you.

We vote and vote
and vote for you

and then we vote
some more for you.

Uh-huh. Mike, I'm surprised at
you, picking on two good citizens,

voters, just because they're
making a little bit of noise.

- Have a cigar, boys.
- Thank you, Sir.

And don't forget to vote right
in the election next month.

Thank you, Councilman.

And remember, Mike, as
Councilman of this district,

I am practically your boss, so
keep off of these good citizens.

- Good day.
- Councilman.

Politics.

Hey, you know, that gives
me an idea, my friend.

- Gives you an idea?
- Uh-huh.

Now, wait a minute, Buddy
Abbott, no more ideas!

Oh, wait a minute, Lou.

You're not going to
take any more pictures!

Oh, nothing like that.

You're going to run for office.

You're going to
become a councilman.

I'm going to run for office. I
don't know the first thing about it.

What do you have to know?

There's only three things you
do to become a councilman.

What do I got to do?

- Number one, you give out cigars.
- Yeah.

Number two, you make speeches.

Number three,
you kiss the babies.

I can do that.

And if you're elected,
you're Mike's boss.

- You mean I would be Mike's boss?
- Over Mike the Cop.

- What does that make Mike the Cop?
- Nothing.

That's me, boss over nothing.

Oh, no.

[Applause]

I'm going to tell you
something, Abbott.

I don't like this beating around
I'm getting all the time from you,

and you're always balling me out
and the landlord's balling me out,

Mike the Cop, and sometimes
even Hillary gives me a harsh word.

I don't have to take it.

That's because
you're stupid, Lou.

I can't help it if
I'm stupid, Abbott,

because I come from a
small town and a poor family.

What has that got to do with it?

Abraham Lincoln was
born in a log cabin,

and when he was your
age, he wrote a book.

And when he was your
age, he was president.

Sure...

Come on!

Four scores and seven years ago,

our forefathers brought upon
this continent a new nation!

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute!

Abraham Lincoln said that!

Abraham Lincoln said this?

Certainly!

- Are you kidding?
- I'm not kidding.

This material is original! I
wrote this material myself!

Ah, stop it! Every little
schoolboy knows that!

How do you like that?

Once you get something original,
somebody else got to steal it.

Wait till I get my
hands on Lincoln.

Lincoln is dead!

- Dead?
- Yes!

- You see what I mean?
- See what?

One day I pass up
without reading the papers

and you don't know
what's going on.

Oh, stop it.

Why don't you write
something original?

If you're going to
steal, steal something

like the "Declaration
of Independence."

Now there's something if
you're going to steal something,

'cause you know what the
"Declaration of Independence" is?

- Yeah, that's a divorce.
- That's a...

Certainly not.

Don't you know where the
"Declaration of Independence"

was signed?

- Sure, I do.
- Yes, where?

On the bottom line.

- Come over here!
- What did I do?

Why don't you be original?

Think of an idea of some kind!

Now, number one, you've got
to know what to say to a woman

if you happen to
meet her in the park,

wheeling her little
baby in a baby buggy.

But I'll rehearse
you in that, see?

- You will?
- Yeah.

Where we going to get the
mother and the baby buggy?

I've made all those
arrangements.

I've made arrangements with
Mrs. Fields for the baby buggy.

- You did?
- Yes.

Now, you wait right
here. Take it easy.

Ladies and gentlemen,
something I've got to tell you...

There's some nasty propaganda
going around this town!

People are starting
to call me "the brain"!

I want you to believe me,
folks, there's nothing in it.

Here we are.

Now we're all set
for the rehearsal.

Now, pretend this is the park.

You're standing in the park,

and I'm taking the
baby out for a little airing.

I'm the mother.

- This I'll never get over.
- Get over what?

I've been with you for so long.
I didn't know you had a baby.

- Listen, we're just pretending!
- Oh, we're pretending.

- Pretend!
- Oh, it's make-believe.

- You want to get in office, don't you?
- Yeah.

I'm in the off... I'm
in the park now.

You're in the park now, and
I'm just taking the baby out.

- You're the baby's mother.
- I'm the baby's mother.

Hello, Mrs. Abbott!

How do you do, Mr. Costello?

I can't get over
him having a baby.

Will you cut it out!

Listen, if you can't say
anything nice, shut up!

All right. Let's try it again.

- Now get with it!
- Okay.

Come on. Use your
brains a little bit here!

I'm doing this for
your benefit, you know.

Hello, Mrs. Abbott!

Oh, how do you do, Mr. Costello?

My, but you're pretty.

You really think I'm pretty?

Eh, then again,
you're ugly, too.

I'm ugly?

Eh, in between.

You're pretty ugly.

Oh!

Pretty ugly!

Come over here. Come over here.

Look, Lou, please, I'm
trying to rehearse you.

I want you to be nice to
these women to get their votes!

- You want me to say something?
- Say something real nice.

Compliment me. You
know what I mean.

Okay.

- Hello, Mrs. Abbott.
- How do you do, Mr. Costello?

My, do you look
charming this morning,

strolling through the park
with your beautiful baby.

- Oh, it's a marvelous little child.
- It's a nice baby?

Would you like to
see the little infant?

- Yes, I would.
- Oh, wonderful.

Darling, this is Louie.

Isn't that cute?

- Abbott?
- What?

I take back what I said before
about you not being a mother.

Well, you see.

- You could be a mother.
- Eh?

- Yeah, sure you could.
- I could?

That baby looks just like you.

Come over here.

Darling, what do you think of
Mr. Costello running for office?

Don't forget, give out plenty of
cigars and kiss all the babies.

We need votes.

Excuse me, Sir! Have a cigar!

Have a cigar!

Thataboy!

And I won't you to vote for me

as councilman of your
whole neighborhood here,

because if you vote
for me as councilman,

I am going to give you everything
that you folks want around here!

Hey, come here! Have a cigar!

Vote for Lou Costello.

It's all right, kid.
You're doing all right.

Let's get some more votes.

How do you do? How do
you think my chances are?

Not very good.

My husband's walking
right behind me.

What kind of voting am
I getting around here?

Take it easy.

How do you do? I guess
you know who I am.

Yes, of course! Why,
I'd know you anywhere!

Why, you're Figaro Cacciatore,
the great Italian whoppera singer!

I'm the great Italian whopper...

What? You mean opera singer.

- Have a cigar.
- What difference does it make?

- I think about you every night.
- This kid's lost.

Look at those big, brown
eyes and those flashy clothes.

Look, lady, I think
you got me mixed up.

How could I possibly
be mixed up?

I want you to vote
for me for councilman.

I want you to know that
every day I think about you,

when I work and when I eat
and at night when I dream.

Now wait a minute, lady.

- Who do you think I dream about?
- I don't know. Who?

- I dream about you.
- About me? Who am I?

Yes. I just want to hold you tight
and press my lips close to yours.

Four score and seven years ago,
our forefathers brought upon this...

Sing for me! Sing an aria!

Sing a high "C."

- Are you kidding?
- Sing.

I can't sing a note.

♪ Figaro! Figaro! ♪

♪ My Figaro! ♪

♪ My Figaro! ♪

♪ My Figaro! ♪

Now just a...

Just a minute.

Shut up! Silence!

Always clowning.
Always clowning.

That's the spirit of the boy.

Now, friends, today I give you a
man that is loved by all the community.

You all love him.

He's a man that is not
connected with any particular party.

Is he a Republican? No.

Is he a Democrat? No!

He is a combination of a
Republican and a Democrat.

He sure is!

He eats like an elephant
and thinks like a jackass!

Please, friends.

I now give you your next
councilman, Mr. Louis Costello.

Hooray! Bravo!

Give your speech, boy.

Fellow voters, I want
you to support me

as your city councilman,

and I promise you,
ladies and gentlemen,

that I will do away with taxes!

There will be no taxes!

No gambling, no
lather, no brush, no love

until my baby comes home.

Give a speech.

Again I say, ladies
and gentlemen,

you may be thinking as
to what Mr. Abbott said

when I am not either...

I could have said "either."

That I am not either or either
a Republican or Democrat.

I am in the middle!

That is commonly
known as the Fusion party.

I have done away with that, too.

I stand behind my party...

Confusion!

Confusion party?
That's what you think.

Peanuts and popcorn!

Chocolate-covered dumbbell!

I beg your pardon,
Sir, we're up here.

Just plain dumbbell!

Now, wait a minute,
Mr. Bacciagalupe!

Bacciagalupe, please.
This is your next councilman.

Respect.

I want you to have
a little respect for me.

I'm getting little
enough from you lately.

Go on with the speech.

If I'm the next councilman,

I'll see that you don't get no
permit if you don't do what's right.

- Be nice.
- I got to show my authority.

All right, go ahead.
Go on with the speech.

Ladies and gentlemen,
and also the voters,

you can plainly see that I am...

Nuts!

Nuts!

I told you to keep quiet!
I won't tell you again!

Get off the grounds.

Go ahead.

- May I slug him with a small chair?
- You may not.

I going to vote for you.

My wife, I've been
married to her for 20 years.

She's going to
vote for you, too.

My 18 kids, they're
going to vote for you, too.

You're married 20 years,
and you've got 18 kids?

Sure. The stork he
gave me two years off.

Good behavior.

Come on, Mr. Bacciagalupe.
Will you get on your way, please?

I'm trying to make
a speech here!

Mr. Costello, please. I have
some great news for the audience.

While gazing around here, I
happened to spy a little lady,

and when I say a
little lady, she is a lady,

who was Mr. Costello's
schoolteacher

when he was in the fourth
grade of public school.

Isn't that wonderful?

[Smooches]

Ah, yes. Ms. Bachalach!

Introduce Ms.
Bachalach to the folks.

Hello, voters! I wish to have
you know Ms. Bachalach,

my fourth-grade schoolteacher!

Ms. Bachalach, it's nice to
have you at this meeting here.

MS. BACHALACH: Thank you.

You remember when I
was in the fourth grade?

You remember me, don't you?

No, I don't.

Don't you remember the little
boy that always had his hand up?

Oh, yes.

You may go now.

Thank you.

And now, neighbors,
Mr. Costello is here

willing and ready to
answer any vital questions

pertaining to our
grand and glorious city.

Any questions at all?

Yes, I have a question.

How do you stand on the
fiscal policy of this town?

Are you in favor of
issuing debentures

or would you coordinate
the fiduciary interests

and allow for
normal amortization?

Are there any other questions?

Now, fellow voters,

I want to tell you something
from the bottom of my heart.

Standing up here on this platform,
you really think I am nothing at all.

If you elect me, you are
electing the right man,

the honest man.

I love to do nice things for
people, of all walks and types in life,

[Woman crying]

because when you...

What? What is it?

Trouble in our midst.

Pardon me, little
lady. What's wrong?

Oh, I took my daddy's shoes to
be repaired and they lost them!

And if I go home
without his shoes...

Please, please! Say no
more. Won't you come up here?

That's what your councilman
wants to do for all of you.

Ladies and gentlemen, this poor
little girl lost her daddy's shoes.

And our councilman...

Our next councilman will
take care of that matter.

He'll take care of all matters!

Give the little lady your shoes.

Give the little lady your shoes!

Huh?

Give the little lady your shoes.

Votes! Votes!

Oh, votes.

If I give you a pair of shoes,

will you take them
home to your daddy?

Oh, yes.

Well, there they
are. Pick them up.

There you are, my friend.
Take those home to your daddy.

And tell him to vote for Lou
Costello for city councilman.

Oh, my daddy will
vote for Lou Costello.

Thank you, little lady.

You see, there's one
vote we've got, my friend.

How do you like that?

That's the kind of councilman
we want in office, that helps all.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
as I am standing here,

as Abraham Lincoln said,

"Four score and
seven years ago..."

[Woman crying]

He was a barefoot boy,
too, with no shoes on.

And as he was walking
through the woods,

I'll never forget
the first time...

Please, please. A
little lady in distress.

Come right up on
the rock. A little lady...

We're always here
to help our neighbors.

Now, just what is wrong?

I was wearing my
daddy's coat for Halloween,

and somebody stole it!

Stole your father's coat?

And if I go home without
it, my daddy will beat me!

No, no, no. We can't
allow that, can we, folks?

No, certainly not.
Give her your coat.

Give her your coat!

Give her your own coat!

Shh. Another vote.

I'm very sorry, folks.

I was a little boisterous
that time. I didn't mean to be.

- Give her your coat!
- All right. Take it easy.

Take it easy.
I'll give the girl...

You'll take an arm with it!

Here you are, little girl.

Give it to your daddy, and tell
your daddy to vote for Lou Costello.

- Oh, thank you.
- You're welcome.

I feel just like
Abraham Lincoln.

That's what I call a
real councilman, huh?

- I know it.
- Not too much.

Four score and
seven years ago...

[Woman crying]

Aaaah! Another one!

Come on, get up!

It's getting to be a habit now!

I don't mind being a good
guy, but what's it all about?

Eh, eh!

Now, just what is
wrong with you, dear?

My daddy gave me some
money to buy him a shirt and tie,

and I spent the money for shoes!

I don't know where these
kids are coming from,

but they're all
cute, ain't they?

Give her your shirt and tie!

Are you kidding? I'll
just give her the tie.

Give her your shirt and tie!

Look at the kisser on this one.

A dog cries the same way!

You want a vote, don't you?

- Sure, I want a vote.
- Give it to her.

Here's my tie, little girl, and I'm
going to give you my shirt, too,

and I want you to tell your
daddy to vote for Lou Costello.

Make sure that he
votes for Lou Costello.

- Oh, thank you!
- You're welcome!

On your way. All right.

You can go this way.

Let her go anyway.

Hey, get the address
of that little girl.

We'll get it later
on. Now, friends...

Now, friends... Abraham
Lincoln felt exactly this way...

[Woman crying]

Come right up here.

Come right up here.

This one looks like a banana!

Aww, take it easy.

What's the matter, little girl?

I was ironing this morning

and I burned a hole in
my husband's trousers!

Get going! Get out!

But I can't go home
without any trousers!

Get out of the way!
Get off! Get off!

Four score and seven...

Get that kid off the...

Four score and
seven years ago...

Abbott, I can't... not my pants!

- Look, I can't give her the pants!
- Lou!

I can't give her the pants!

Four score...

Aah!

All right, all right. What's
going on around here?

Oh, pardon me, Ma'am.

Ma'am?

- Oh, it's you, huh?
- Now, wait a minute!

- Listen!
- Now, just a minute!

[Applause]

Hey, Abbott, that was really, really
good, wasn't it, running for office?

What do you mean, "good"?

What do you say you and I right
now, let's go out and celebrate,

do the town over good,

and let's crack open
a bottle of soda pop!

What are you talking
about, celebrations?

You lost the election.

Well, that's good, ain't it?
Who wants responsibilities?

I don't want that stuff.

- You lost, didn't you?
- Yeah.

What have you got
to say for yourself?

Four score and seven
years ago, our fore...

[Applause]