All language subtitles for The.Closer.S07E12.You.Have.the.Right.to.Be.Jolly.1080p.AMZN.WEB-DL.DDP5.1.x264-NTb_track3_[eng]

[ INTRODUCTION TO "SLEIGH RIDE"
PLAYS ]

* JUST HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLS
JINGLING *

* RING-TING-TINGLING, TOO

CASEY, DON'T MESS
WITH MY CAMERA.

Casey: COME ON, BUZZY.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
MR. HOLIDAY SPIRIT.

MOM SAID SHE WANTED PICTURES
OF YOU, TOO.

WELL, USE YOUR CELLPHONE,
THEN.

AN ENTRANCE FEE OF $20
PER ADULT?

WHEW!
MERRY CHRISTMAS, SUCKERS.

OH, THE NORTH POLE VILLAGE
IS SUCH A RACKET.

A RACKET?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

IN CASE
YOU HAVEN'T NOTICED,

EVERYTHING HERE
HAS A PRICE TAG ON IT.

HUH. WHY WE STILL COME HERE
EVERY CHRISTMAS,

I DO NOT KNOW.

* WE'RE GLIDING ALONG WITH THE
SONG OF A WINTRY FAIRY LAND *

COME ON.
THE SNOW'S ABOUT TO START.

LOOK, SANTA'S COMING IN
ON A ZIP LINE THIS YEAR,

FROM ALL THE WAY UP THERE.

HOW ABOUT THAT?

OH, I MISS THE FLOAT.

IT WAS OLD-FASHIONED,
BUT AT LEAST IT WAS CHARMING.

WHY DO YOU LIKE THIS SANTA
SO MUCH?

IT'S RIDICULOUS.

[ VIDEO FAST-FORWARDS ]

[ BELLS JINGLING ]
Announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

BOYS AND GIRLS,

WE ARE MINUTES
FROM SANTA'S ARRIVAL.

HERE COMES THE SNOW.

SO LET'S GATHER
BY THE WORKSHOP

FOR A HOLIDAY SURPRISE.

OKAY, FROM HERE,
I'M GONNA GET THE ZIP LINE,

AND YOU GET
THE KIDS' REACTIONS.

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]
AS WE USHER IN
A NEW SEASON OF JOY,

LET'S PUT OUR MITTENS TOGETHER

AND GIVE A WARM, JOLLY WELCOME
TO THE MAN OF THE HOUR,

AS HE FLIES IN
DIRECTLY FROM THE NORTH POLE.

Together:
10...9...8...7...

HO, HO, HO!

...6...5...
OKAY, CASEY, SMILE.

...4...3...2...1!
NO! OH, GOD! NO!

[ CHEERS AND APPLAUSE ]

HO, HO, HO, HO!

WHOA.

NO!

[ ALL SCREAMING ]

OH, MY GOSH! SANTA!

HERE, TAKE THIS.

CASEY, STAY HERE.

* JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE BELLS,
JINGLE ALL THE WAY *

[ DOOR OPENS ]

DON'T WORRY,
BOYS AND GIRLS.

WHAT'S WRONG?

* OH, JINGLE BELLS, JINGLE
BELLS, JINGLE ALL THE WAY *

OH, GOD!

* OH! WHAT FUN IT IS TO RIDE
IN A ONE-HORSE OPEN SLEIGH *

[ INSTRUMENTAL VERSION OF
"O COME ALL YE FAITHFUL" PLAYS ]

[ POLICE RADIO CHATTER ]

THANK YOU, BUZZ,
FOR BRINGING ME UP TO SPEED.

NICE TO MEET YOU, CASEY.

DON'T LET THIS
RUIN YOUR VISIT.

THANK YOU, CHIEF JOHNSON.

CHIEF.

HOW DO WE KNOW
THIS WASN'T AN ACCIDENT?

L.A. CITY FIRE DEPARTMENT
INSPECTED THE ZIP LINE

THAT OUR VICTIM
WAS USING,

AND IT APPEARS THAT SOMEONE
TAMPERED WITH THE BRAKES.

THIS TROLLEY
SANTA WAS RIDING

USES TWO PADS TO CREATE THE
FRICTION NECESSARY FOR STOPPING.

ONE OF THESE PADS
WAS PRIED LOOSE.

IT ALSO HAS A BATTERY-POWERED
BACK-UP SYSTEM,

BUT NO BATTERY.

AND THE ENTIRE KIT
IS RENTED FROM A COMPANY

CALLED "ZIP XPERIENCE."

THE OWNER SAYS THEY RAN TRIALS
YESTERDAY AFTERNOON,

AND BOTH BRAKES
WERE WORKING PROPERLY.

SO, ACCORDING
TO THE ELVES --

I'VE BEEN WAITING TO SAY THAT
MY ENTIRE LIFE --

ACCORDING TO THE ELVES,

OUR DEAD SANTA'S NAME
WAS RANDY MANN.

DMV HAS HIM
RESIDING IN HUMBOLDT.

Flynn: AND OUR YOUNG ST. NICK
HAS A SHEET --

TWO PRIOR ARRESTS

FOR CULTIVATING AND
DISTRIBUTING MARIJUANA.

OH, OVER THERE,
THE CRYING ELF --

THAT'S HIS WIFE, LISA.

[ WOMEN CRYING ]
I COUNT TWO CRYING ELVES.

Provenza: WELL,
THE OTHER ONE'S CARMEN.

Flynn: SEEMS, UH, SANTA
PLAYED THE FIELD A LITTLE.

HEY, HE'S NOT
THE REAL SANTA.

YOU SURE ABOUT THAT,
BUZZ?

WHAT MY BROTHER MEANS IS,

THE GUY WHO REALLY
RUNS THIS LITTLE CON JOB
OF A CHRISTMAS VILLAGE

IS SANTA JACK.

AFTER THE ACCIDENT,

I SAW HIM RUN BACK
INTO HIS WORKSHOP.

OKAY.
THANK YOU, CASEY.

I'LL BE BACK
IN A MINUTE.

SO [CLEARS THROAT] BUZZY,

WHY DON'T YOU INTRODUCE US
TO CASEY?

OH, HE DOESN'T NEED TO.

YOU ARE DETECTIVE SANCHEZ,

THE ONE WHO THREATENS PEOPLE.

[ LAUGHS ]

YOU ARE LIEUTENANT TAO,
OF COURSE,

OH, AND
THAT'S YOUR BAG OF TRICKS.
MM.

YOU ARE

THE VERY SHARP-DRESSING
DETECTIVE GABRIEL.

HELLO.
THANK YOU.

JUDGING BY THE CYNICAL TONE
IN YOUR VOICE,

YOU MUST BE ANDY FLYNN.

HI.

AND THAT MAKES YOU
THE GRUMPY ONE,

LIEUTENANT PROVENZA.

HELLO.
Provenza: GRUMPY?

WELL, WHEN I'M BEING SHOT AT,
MAYBE.

MM.
BUT THE REST OF THE TIME,
I AM JUST A CUDDLY TEDDY BEAR.

OH.
[ LAUGHS ]

LIEUTENANT,

CASEY'S AFRAID OF BEARS.

OH.
EXCUSE US, PLEASE.

WE DON'T WANT TO INTERFERE
WITH YOUR WORK.

BYE.

BYE.

THIS IS A DISASTER.
OH.

I UNDERSTAND THAT THE ZIP LINE
WAS A NEW FEATURE

AND THAT YOU USED TO ENTER
ON A HOLIDAY FLOAT?

YEAH. THAT BURNED DOWN
TO ITS GEARBOX.

NO ONE KNOWS HOW.

SORRY ABOUT
THE SMOKE --

USUALLY NOT ALLOWED
IN THE WORKSHOP.

[ COUGHING ]

OHH.

HOW DID THIS HAPPEN?

OHH! [ COUGHS ]
POOR SANTA RANDY.

I HAD THE WHOLE THING
RIGGED UP THE RIGHT WAY.

I WAS SUPPOSED TO GO DOWN,
LAND ON THE PLATFORM,

AND GO DOWN THE CHIMNEY
MYSELF.

BUT WHEN I TRIED OUT
THE ZIP LINE YESTERDAY,

BELIEVE ME,
SANTA SCREAMED WORDS

THAT NO CHILDREN
SHOULD EVER HEAR.

[ CHUCKLES ]

AND I TAKE MY JOB AS ROLE MODEL
VERY SERIOUSLY.

AHH.

EGGNOG?

NO, THANKS.
I'M...ON DUTY.

OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD.

[ COUGHS ]

SORRY. I'M HAVING
A FEW VERY BAD MONTHS HERE.

I RUN
A HALLOWEEN FAIR, TOO --

A HAUNTED HOUSE, CORN MAZE,
PUMPKIN PATCH -- EVERYTHING.

[ COUGHS ]

ONE BOY GOT BOTULISM --
ONE BOY,

AND THE COUNTY

SHUT DOWN
MY ENTIRE OPERATION FOR A MONTH.

AND MY SLEIGH GAVE OUT.

YOUR SLEIGH?

YEAH, RED MINIVAN.
I CALL IT MY SLEIGH.

COST OVER $1,000 TO FIX.

AND NOW SANTA RANDY
IS DEAD.

OH, GOD.

OH, GOD.

WERE YOU AND RANDY
CLOSE?

SANTA RANDY.

YEAH, GREAT KID.

HE'S BEEN
SELLING TREES HERE

SINCE HE DROPPED OUT
OF COLLEGE.

BUT, OF COURSE,
HE WANTED MORE OUT OF LIFE.

SO BEING A GOOD GUY,

I-I SENT HIM TO SANTA SCHOOL
LAST SEPTEMBER,

BOUGHT HIM THE SUIT,
PAID FOR HIM TO JOIN THE ORDER.

I UNDERSTAND
THAT RANDY AND HIS WIFE --
SANTA RANDY.

...SANTA -- SANTA RANDY
AND HIS WIFE, LISA,

WERE HAVING PROBLEMS.

WELL, YEAH, AFTER WORK,
THERE MAY HAVE BEEN A FEW

OF WHAT WE REFER TO AROUND HERE
AS, UH, "REINDEER GAMES."

"POLE DANCING" --
THAT KIND OF THING.

AND I UNDERSTAND SANTA RANDY
WAS A LITTLE OVERLY FRIENDLY

WITH THE ELVES THIS YEAR.

OH, SANTA RANDY.
MM.

BUT LET ME TELL YOU --
LISA HAD A VERY HARD TIME

ADJUSTING
TO RANDY'S NEW STATION IN LIFE.

[ BOTTLE SPRAYS ]

SHE HAD MARRIED A MAN --
WHEW! --

AND HE HAD BECOME PART
OF A LEGEND.

AND I CAN TELL YOU
FROM PERSONAL EXPERIENCE,

THE ROLE OF MRS. CLAUS IS MORE
THAN MOST WOMEN CAN HANDLE.

MM. SORRY.

SOME ASHES THERE.
[ CHUCKLES ]

MY FAULT.

LOOK, SANTA, I NEED YOU
TO COME DOWNTOWN

AND GIVE ME A STATEMENT
ABOUT THIS ZIP LINE.

WELL, THERE'S ABSOLUTELY
NO PROBLEM THERE.

Woman: AAH!

[ INDISTINCT SHOUTING ]

EXCUSE ME.
ONE SECOND.

Man: ALL RIGHT.
THAT'S ENOUGH. THAT'S ENOUGH.

HE WOULD HAVE WANTED ME
TO HAVE IT!

[ Chuckling ] WHOA, WHOA!
HE WAS MY HUSBAND, YOU SLUT!

HE DIDN'T LOVE YOU ANYMORE!

IT'S ALL LEGALLY MINE!
IT'S NOT YOURS!
Gabriel: LADIES!

AAAH!

[ GRUNTING ]

LADIES, COME ON.
ALL RIGHT, THAT --

NOW, GABRIEL,
GIVE THEM A SEC.

ONE OF THEM MIGHT SAY
SOMETHING INCRIMINATING.
OHH!

[ SCREAMING, GRUNTING ]

ELVES! ELVES!

PLEASE!

ALL RIGHT,
I'VE HAD ENOUGH.

PUT 'EM ALL
UNDER ARREST!

ALL RIGHT, LET'S GO.
LET'S GO.

EVERYBODY, LET'S GO.

HEY, YOU -- YOU COME BACK HERE!
YOU COME --

YOU -- YOU
ARE A VERY STRONG ELF.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT.
ALL RIGHT. OKAY.

OKAY.
YOU -- HEY!

SANTA IS
NOT GONNA LIKE THIS.

THIS IS A LOT
OF CHRISTMAS CHEER, CHIEF --

DRUGS, CASH.

ADD IN THE ELF SEX...

THREE VERY TRADITIONAL MOTIVES
FOR MURDER.

IT'S JUST SO HARD TO BELIEVE

THAT SOMEONE WOULD USE A
CHRISTMAS VILLAGE TO SELL DRUGS.

WELL, PEOPLE USE CHRISTMAS
TO SELL EVERYTHING.
CASEY.

AND THAT'S WHAT SANTA JACK
WAS ALL ABOUT.
CASEY.

WE DO NOT INTERRUPT
DETECTIVES

WHEN THEY'RE DISCUSSING
A CASE.

CHIEF, I'M --
I'M VERY SORRY.

NO, NO, NO, NO.
IT'S FINE.

I THINK YOUR SISTER
MIGHT HAVE A POINT.

WITH THE AMOUNT OF DRUGS
WE HAVE HERE,

WE SHOULD BE ABLE TO GET
A WARRANT

FOR EVERYONE WHO WORKS
AT THE NORTH POLE'S...

UH. MM.

...CREDIT REPORTS.
MM-HMM.

AND MAKE SURE THAT
YOU INCLUDE THE VICTIM'S WIFE,

UH, PLEASE.

UH, LET'S SEE IF ANYONE
HAS MORE MONEY IN THE BANK

THAN THEY OUGHT TO.

EXCUSE ME.
OKAY.

WE'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
GOING TO YOUR ATTORNEY'S
OFFICE RIGHT NOW.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW
IF YOU'VE HEARD,

BUT SOMEONE MURDERED
SANTA CLAUS.

LOOK, POPE PULLED RAYDOR
OFF YOUR BACK

WITH THE UNDERSTANDING THAT YOU
WOULD FOCUS, FOCUS, FOCUS

ON THIS FEDERAL LAWSUIT,

WHICH, FIRST AND FOREMOST,

MEANS KEEPING APPOINTMENTS
WITH YOUR LAWYER.

I TOOK OFF WORK TODAY
TO GO WITH YOU.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU'RE EVEN
THINKING ABOUT BEING LATE,

LET ALONE
NOT SHOWING UP AT ALL.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
HEY, HEY, HEY.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
TO REMAIN JOLLY.

[ SIGHS ]
HO, HO, HO.

NOW PULL IT TOGETHER.
WE NEED TO LEAVE.

[ SIGHS ]
OKAY.

UH, EVERYONE, LOOK,
UH, I HAVE TO GO.

BUT, UH, YOU KNOW, SANTA JACK
SHOULD HAVE BEEN HERE BY NOW.

LET'S FIND OUT
WHERE HE'S GOTTEN TO.

AND I-I NEED TO KNOW WHO ELSE
HAD ACCESS TO THAT ZIP LINE

BETWEEN THE LAST SAFETY CHECK
AND OUR ACCIDENT,

WHICH IS WHAT
WE'RE GOING TO BE CALLING THIS

UNTIL WE CAN SORT OUT
WHO'S BEEN...

NAUGHTY AND WHO'S BEEN NICE.

THANK YOU.

WELL, IT'S CLEAR NOW
THAT GOLDMAN

ONLY BROUGHT THAT BAYLOR SUIT
AGAINST YOU

IN THE HOPES OF ESTABLISHING
A LEAK IN YOUR DIVISION.

AND HE HAS USED THAT LEAK
TO AMASS AN IMPRESSIVE LIST

OF LITIGANTS
FOR THIS FEDERAL LAWSUIT OF HIS.

SO, BRENDA...

WHY DON'T WE TAKE
A LITTLE WALK DOWN MEMORY LANE,

WHICH, FOR YOU,
LEADS THROUGH A CEMETERY, OKAY?

OKAY.

OKAY.

IN ADDITION TO TURELL BAYLOR,

WHOSE DEATH I NOW LOOK BACK UPON
WITH A CERTAIN FOND NOSTALGIA,

WE HAVE
THE VERY THUGGY NICK KOSLOV,

SON OF
A RUSSIAN CRIME BOSS.

WHO CONFESSED TO STABBING
TEENAGE PROSTITUTES TO DEATH.

MM. HE WAS MURDERED AFTER YOU
ALERTED HIS FAMILY'S ATTORNEY

THAT THE YOUNG MR. KOSLOV WAS
ALSO AN INFORMANT FOR THE FBI.

YEAH, THAT WAS
NOT A GOOD DAY.

MM. AND BEGAN
A TROUBLESOME PATTERN

YOU CONTINUED
WITH ROGER STIMPLE.

A CHILD MOLESTER

WHO CONFESSED TO MURDERING
THREE LITTLE GIRLS.

AND HANGED HIMSELF IN JAIL
AFTER YOU "FORGOT"

TO PUT HIM
IN PROTECTIVE CUSTODY.
[ FILE THUDS ]

THEN THERE'S
MARTIN VASQUEZ,

A MEXICAN FEDERALE WHOM YOU
ARRESTED UNDER ANOTHER NAME --

COINCIDENTALLY,
THE NAME OF SOMEONE

VASQUEZ HAD PAID
TO HAVE MURDERED IN JAIL.

ALSO,
BY COMPLETE COINCIDENCE,

MR. VASQUEZ DIED WITHIN AN HOUR
OF LANDING BEHIND BARS.

VASQUEZ WAS A CORRUPT COP

RESPONSIBLE
FOR DOZENS OF HOMICIDES,

WORKING
FOR THE GARCIA CARTEL.

AND THEN, OF COURSE,
WE HAVE KYLE,

WHO SHOT HIMSELF
IN YOUR INTERVIEW ROOM.

'CAUSE
HE COULDN'T KILL ME.

AND LASTLY, BUT NOT LEASTLY,
PHILLIP STROH.

WHAT? STROH?

HE'S NOT DEAD.
IS HE?

SURPRISINGLY, NO,
BUT YOUR WIFE

HAS BEEN HARASSING HIM
FOR OVER TWO YEARS.

AND, IN ADDITION
TO BADMOUTHING HIM

TO THE AUTHORITIES,
CHASING AWAY HIS CLIENTS...

BRENDA, WHAT THE HELL?
PEOPLE HE'S DEFENDING
HAVE A RIGHT

TO KNOW WHO THEY'RE DEALING
WITH.
YOU HAVE TO BE --
ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR MIND?

IN ADDITION TO ALL OF THAT,
EVERY YEAR ON MAY 5th,

MR. STROH RECEIVES
A MYSTERIOUS BOUQUET OF FLOWERS

FROM THE DECEASED
JESSICA GOODALL.

A LITTLE BIT CREEPY.

I WANT STROH NEVER TO FORGET
WHAT I KNOW,

AND THAT IS THAT HE RAPED
AND MURDERED JESSICA

FEBRUARY 5th, 2008,

THE NIGHT
BEFORE HER 30th BIRTHDAY.

IF YOU KNOW THAT,
WHY DIDN'T YOU ARREST HIM

AND TRY HIM IN COURT?

WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN?

I AM NOT BEING MEAN.

I'M SIMPLY PRESENTING A MORE
MILD VERSION OF GOLDMAN'S CASE,

AND IF YOU RESPOND TO HIM
THE WAY YOU RESPONDED TO ME,

THE L.A.P.D.
WILL HAVE TO INSTITUTE

COSTLY NEW
CUSTODIAL PROCEDURES,

AND YOU AND FRITZ
COULD END UP FORKING OVER

EVERY PENNY YOU HAVE
IN PUNITIVE DAMAGES.

THAT'S ALL FOR TODAY.

OOH, OOH, OOH.

BEFORE I FORGET...

I HAVE A GIFT
FOR THE TWO OF YOU.

IN THE SPIRIT
OF THE SEASON,

ENJOY.

BUT WE DIDN'T GET YOU
ANYTHING.

NOT TO WORRY --
IT'S FROM THE FIRM, ACTUALLY.

NOT FROM ME PERSONALLY.

WAIT. DID YOU SAY
PUNITIVE DAMAGES AGAINST US?

I'M AFRAID SO, YES.

AND TO GET
ALL THE BAD NEWS

OUT OF THE WAY
THIS AFTERNOON,

MY RETAINER'S GONE.

SO IF YOU WOULD LIKE ME
TO CONTINUE AS YOUR COUNSEL,

I'LL NEED ANOTHER $25,000
BY THE END OF THE WEEK.
[ SIGHS ]

[ RATTLES ]

[ INDISTINCT CONVERSATIONS,
DOOR SLAMS ]

MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU,
MR. SCROOGE.

I THOUGHT HE WAS MY FRIEND.

HE'S YOUR FRIEND, BRENDA,

BUT IT'S ALSO
WHAT HE DOES FOR A LIVING.

YEAH, YOU MEAN MAKING MONEY

OFF THE TROUBLES
OF INNOCENT PEOPLE?

WHAT DID HE GIVE US?
WHAT'S IN THE BOX?

OH, IT'S
A SILVER TREE ORNAMENT.

[ Chuckling ] OH.

WITH THE INITIALS
OF THEIR FIRM ON IT.

NO, NO, NO, NO.

DON'T THROW IT AWAY.
I WANT IT.

"IN THE SPIRIT
OF THE SEASON."

HERE'S A LITTLE
SANTA SCHEMATIC, CHIEF.

ZIP LINE WAS INSTALLED YESTERDAY
AT 5:30 P.M.

FOUR SUCCESSFUL DRY RUNS.

ZIP XPERIENCE SIGNED OFF
ON THEIR EQUIPMENT AT 8:30 P.M.

YEAH, THE SAFETY AGREEMENT
HAS THREE SIGNATURES ON IT --

JACK McBRIDE,
OTHERWISE KNOWN AS "SANTA JACK,"

HIS NIECE, DONNA, WHO JULIO'S
BRINGING UP RIGHT NOW,

AND OUR VICTIM,
RANDY MANN.

SECURITY GUARDS
WERE ON DUTY LAST NIGHT

UNTIL THIS MORNING
AT 10:00 A.M.,

WHEN THE DOORS OPENED,

LEAVING THE TROLLEY
AND THE CABLE UNATTENDED.

FULL SYSTEM FAILURE --
A FEW SECONDS AFTER NOON.

Brenda: GIVING US TWO HOURS
WHEN NEARLY ANYONE

COULD HAVE DISABLED
THE ZIP LINE'S BRAKES.

GREAT. OKAY.

UH, ANY OTHER MOTIVE POSSIBLE
BESIDES DRUG DEALING?

AH, YES.

IT SEEMS THAT OUR VICTIM,
SANTA RANDY, AND HIS WIFE, LISA,

WERE RECENTLY QUALIFIED
FOR A BUSINESS LOAN.

LISA HAS ADMITTED
THAT THEY WERE PLANNING

TO OPEN
THEIR OWN CHRISTMAS VILLAGE.

ANOTHER NORTH POLE
IN L.A.?

IS THAT REALLY
SUCH A BIG DEAL?

Gabriel: WELL, BELIEVE IT
OR NOT, CHIEF,

SANTA JACK'S VILLAGE
GENERATES LOTS OF CASH.

AFTER PAYING HIS TAXES,
RENT TO HIS NIECE,

AND ALIMONY
TO A COUPLE OF MRS. CLAUSES,

SANTA BRINGS HOME
OVER $200,000 PER YEAR.
Sanchez: CHIEF.

I HAVE SANTA'S NIECE DONNA
IN INTERVIEW ROOM 1.

OKAY, GREAT. MAYBE SHE CAN TELL
US WHERE HER UNCLE'S HIDING.

HEY, CASEY.

COME ON.

WE'RE NEEDED
IN ELECTRONICS.

COME ON.

DETECTIVE SANCHEZ!
WITH ME NOW, PLEASE.

MS. McBRIDE,

I'M DEPUTY CHIEF JOHNSON.

I AM SO SORRY
ABOUT THE TRAGEDY TODAY

AT YOUR CHRISTMAS VILLAGE.

OH, IT'S NOT MY VILLAGE.

UH, DAD LEFT THE PROPERTY
TO ME,

BUT THE VILLAGE ITSELF
IS MY UNCLE'S.

TECHNICALLY,
I'M HIS LANDLORD.

HE'S SUPPOSED TO PAY
A PERCENTAGE

OF HIS RECEIPTS TO ME,

BUT, MORE OFTEN THAN NOT,
I JUST LET HIM FORGET IT.

I SEE.
SO, IF YOU'RE NOT INVOLVED,

WHY DID YOU SIGN OFF
AS A WITNESS

ON THE SAFETY AGREEMENT
FOR THE ZIP LINE?

WELL, AS LAND OWNER,
I STILL NEED TO BE CAREFUL

ABOUT LIABILITY.

SO YOU HAVE NOTHING TO DO
WITH MANAGING THE NORTH POLE?

OH, NO.

NO, I-I COULDN'T WORK
WITH THE PEOPLE THAT JACK HIRES.

RANDY MANN, WITH
AN ARREST RECORD LIKE HIS...

SO YOU GUYS KNEW
THAT RANDY WAS A DRUG DEALER?
OH, YES.

UNCLE JACK HAD TO GO
BAIL HIM OUT ONCE.

RANDY NEVER PAID HIM BACK,
OF COURSE.

AND YET HE SENT HIM
TO SANTA SCHOOL?
[ SIGHS ]

THIS IS GONNA SOUND ODD,

BUT UNCLE JACK THINKS
THAT PLAYING SANTA

GIVES PEOPLE
AN OPPORTUNITY TO...

REDEEM THEMSELVES,

THAT TO EMBODY
THE CHRISTMAS SPIRIT

MADE ONE
A BETTER PERSON.

FOR HIM,
SANTA'S A SPIRITUAL THING.

Santa Jack: [ Slurring ]
* JINGLE BELLS

* JINGLE BELLS

EVERYBODY!

JINGLE ALL THE WAY!

HO, HO, HO.

SORRY I'M LATE.

I WAS HOME A-WASSAILING.

COME ON. LET'S GET
SOME CHRISTMAS GOING HERE.

OH, MY GOD.
YOUR CHRISTMAS TREE --

IT'S COMPLETELY NAKED.

PEOPLE, YOU NEED TO DECK
THESE HALLS, PRONTO.

EYES STRAIGHT AHEAD.

YOU CAN'T SEE
ANYTHING HERE.

HEY, THAT'S DONNA.
WHY IS DONNA ON TV?

ALL RIGHT, COME ON.
LET'S GO.
NO, I KNOW HER.

GREAT. YOU KNOW HER.
WHY IS SHE ON TELEVISION?

LET'S GO.
PLEASE, I'M CAPABLE
OF GUIDING MYSELF.

Donna: HE JUST HAS NO IDEA
WHAT'S REQUIRED.

Flynn: UH, HERE.

STEADY.
OHH.

STAY.
OHH.

AH.

HELLO, EVERYONE.

MY APOLOGIES FOR APPEARING
BEFORE YOU IN DIS--

UH, IN THIS
UNSEEMLY CONDITION.

SANTA IS NEVER PUBLICLY DRUNK
IN UNIFORM.

IT'S A VIOLATION OF MY OATH.

BUT I HAD NO TIME TO CHANGE
INTO SANTA CASUAL

BEFORE YOUR
EXTREMELY RUDE FRIEND HERE

DRAGGED ME
FROM MY HUMBLE ABODE.

OH!
[ CHUCKLES ]

WHOA.

HELLO, YOUNG LADY.

SANTA CLAUS
AT YOUR SERVICE.

AND WHO WOULD YOU BE?

WHAT?
YOU DON'T KNOW ME?
OH!

BUT I SAT ON YOUR LAP
EVERY CHRISTMAS FOR YEARS.

I'M CASEY WATSON.

OH, AND WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO
WHEN YOU GROW UP?
HEY!

WELL, I'M ACTUALLY
ALREADY DOING IT.

OH.
I'M A METEOROLOGIST
AT A WEATHER STATION IN SEATTLE.

A WEATHER GIRL!

SO YOU'LL TELL US
ALL ABOUT WHAT'S IT'S LIKE

IN SANTAS
ALL OVER THE WORLD.

WHAT IT'S LIKE
IN SANTAS?

YES, YOU KNOW --
IS IT HOT IN SANTA BARBARA?

SANTA ANA?
SANTA MONICA?

'CAUSE IT'S PLENTY HOT IN HERE,
CASEY!

ALL RIGHT.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, THAT VOICE.

WHAT IS SHE YAMMERING ON
ABOUT NOW?

Brenda: ...THEIR OWN BUSINESS
LOAN AND WERE LOOKING TO OPEN

THEIR OWN CHRISTMAS VILLAGE
SOMEWHERE?
[ DOOR OPENS ]

WELL, GOOD LUCK IN FINDING
THE UNDEVELOPED LAND

ANYWHERE NEAR US.

[ WHISPERING INDISTINCTLY ]

RANDY WAS GONNA COMPETE
WITH MY UNCLE? THAT'S HORRIBLE.

I-I CAN'T BELIEVE
I GOT SO UPSET

WHEN HE CRASHED
INTO THAT CHIMNEY.

THIS WILL BREAK
JACK'S HEART.

SO SANTA RANDY WAS TRYING TO
OPEN UP HIS OWN VILLAGE?

OH!

HO, HO.

YOU THINK SANTA DIDN'T KNOW WHAT
WAS GOING ON BEHIND HIS BACK?

SANTA HAS POWERS
RANDY NEVER EVEN DREAMED OF.

YOU THINK I CHANGED PLACES
WITH HIM ON THE ZIP LINE

BECAUSE I WAS FRIGHTENED?

SANTA DOES NOT KNOW FEAR.

WELL, THEN, SANTA,
TELL US,

WHY DIDN'T YOU DO THE JUMP
YOURSELF?

HUH?
YEAH. WHY'D YOU CHANGE
THE BATTING ORDER, SANTA?

HA!

SANTA'S SECRET INSIGHTS --

I KNOW
WHEN PEOPLE HAVE BEEN BAD.

SO I WENT TO RANDY.

I SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU DO
THE ZIP LINE?

GO DOWN THE OLD CHIMBLY?"

NO, NO, NO.
SANTA, JUST WAIT A MINUTE, OKAY?
FLYNN, FLYNN, FLYNN.

I PAID HIM AN EXTRA $500.

SANTA CLAUS CANNOT BE TAKEN
BY SURPRISE.

RANDY EXPECTED TO REPLACE ME?!

WELL...NOT...ANYMORE.

OH!

Flynn: SANTA!

Gabriel: SANTA? SANTA?

BUZZ, YOU WANT
TO GIVE US A HAND?
[ THUD ]

HOLD ON. HOLD ON.

OH, MY GOSH.

[ SANTA JACK GRUNTS ]

PUT HIM ON BUZZ'S DESK --
BUZZ'S DESK.

OH, HE REEKS. GEEZ!
WATCH HIS ARM.
WATCH HIS ARM.

WHAT HAPPENED TO SANTA?

GET HIM ON THE DESK.
HE PASSED OUT.

GET HIM ON THE TABLE.
OH, MY GOD.

OH! OH!

WHAT'S THE MATTER,
LIEUTENANT?

I NEVER MIRANDIZED HIM.

WHY NOT?
YOU'RE KIDDING ME.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

WHAT THAT MEANS IS,
WE APPARENTLY HAVE

A SANTA-ON-SANTA CRIME,

BUT WE CAN'T USE ANYTHING OUR
SUSPECT HERE SAID TO PROVE IT.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THAT,
LIEUTENANT.

BUZZ, DID YOU GET
HIS STATEMENT ON FILM?

YES, MA'AM.
UNFORTUNATELY, I DID.

WELL, I'LL TAKE
A LOOK AT IT.

IT COULD BE HELPFUL,
DEPENDING...

DEPENDING ON WHAT?

DEPENDING ON HOW MUCH
YOU BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS.

[ GROANS ]

WHY ARE YOU GUYS
STILL HERE?

WELL, SANTA GAVE US
THE GIFT OF OVERTIME.

Flynn: WE HAD TO SERVE A SEARCH
WARRANT AT HIS WORKSHOP,

HIS HOUSE,
AND VARIOUS STOREROOMS.

IN ADDITION TO
SOME OF THE CHEESIEST
DECORATIONS YOU'VE EVER SEEN,

WE FOUND
ALL OF HIS BUSINESS RECORDS.

Taylor: I THOUGHT HE ADMITTED
EVERYTHING.

[ CLEARS THROAT ]
YEAH.

WELL, UH, YOU KNOW,

THERE WERE SOME PROBLEMS
WITH HIS STATEMENT.

WHAT KIND OF PROBLEMS?

Flynn: FOR ONE THING, HE
CONFESSED BEFORE WE GOT A CHANCE

TO READ HIM HIS RIGHTS.

REALLY? [ SIGHS ]
WHY DO PEOPLE DO THAT?

DID WE SMASH HIS HEAD IN?

Provenza:
OH, NO, NO, NO.

THAT'S, UH,
FROM TOO MUCH EGG-NOGGING.

HE PASSED OUT DRUNK
IN ELECTRONICS.

GREAT. THAT'S YET ANOTHER REASON
EVERYTHING HE SAID

COULD BE RULED INADMISSIBLE.

OH. AND HE ALSO IMPLIED THAT
HE WAS THE REAL SANTA CLAUS.

NOW, SO WE ASKED BUZZ
TO TRY AND SOBER HIM UP

SO HE WOULDN'T BLURT ANYTHING
ELSE OUT THAT WAS INCRIMINATING.

THE CHIEF WOULD LIKE
A PROPER CRACK AT HIM.

Buzz: YOU'RE WELCOME.

OH, UH,
THANK YOU, YOUNG MAN.

AH. WOULD YOU HAPPEN TO HAVE
A CIGARETTE?

NO, AND THIS IS
A NONSMOKING AREA.

EVEN FOR SANTA?
ESPECIALLY FOR SANTA.

YOU'RE MEANT TO COME
DOWN THE CHIMNEY,
NOT SMOKE LIKE ONE.

WELL, THEN, WOULD YOU PULL
A TRASH CAN OVER HERE, PLEASE?

OHH!

YOU KNOW,
WHEN I WAS A KID,

I LOOKED FORWARD TO TALKING
TO YOU FOR MONTHS.

YOU WERE THE SYMBOL OF MY VERY
FAVORITE TIME OF THE YEAR.

AND NOW I-I FEEL
YOU'VE RUINED

EVERY CHRISTMAS MEMORY
THAT I HAVE.

PLUS, YOU DON'T EVEN
RECOGNIZE ME.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.

I RECALL YOU VERY WELL --

A VERY CARING YOUNG BOY
WITH A HAPPY SMILE.

WHY, I MIGHT EVEN BE
THE REASON WHY

YOU WORK
WITH THE POLICE NOW.

ONE YEAR,
YOU SAT ON MY KNEE,

YOU LOOKED SANTA
IN THE EYE,

AND YOU ASKED...
FOR A CAMERA.

I NEVER ASKED YOU
FOR A CAMERA.

AH.

OH, WELL.
SOMETIMES I GET LUCKY.

HO, HO --

[ VOMITING ]

OH!
HO, HO,
HO, HO.

GOD.

WELL, THAT SHOULD SOBER HIM UP
A LITTLE BIT.

[ SANTA JACK VOMITS ]

OHH!

SORRY. THESE THINGS
OCCASIONALLY HAPPEN TO SANTA.

[ BLOWS NOSE ]

UGH. REALLY?

BY THE WAY,
DOES HE HAVE A MOTIVE?

TWO,
ACTUALLY, SIR.

NOT ONLY WAS THE VICTIM
ABOUT TO COMPETE WITH HIM,

BUT, UH, SANTA JACK
HAS PROBABLY...

SANTA JACK?
YES, SIR.

SANTA JACK HAS PROBABLY

THE BEST
BUSINESS INSURANCE POLICY

I'VE EVER SEEN IN MY LIFE.

BEING THAT HE HAS
A SEASONAL OPERATION,

IF HE'S SHUT DOWN
FOR ANY REASON AT ALL,

HE'S GUARANTEED
THE PREVIOUS YEAR'S INCOME.

POLICY WAS HARD
TO FIND, SIR.

HIS FINANCIAL PAPERS
WERE A MESS.

ABOUT THE ONLY THING
HE DID FILE PROPERLY...
[ COUGHING ]

...WERE THE LETTERS AND CARDS
HE GOT FROM KIDS OVER THE YEARS.

RIGHT.

SO...WHY ARE
WE ALL STANDING HERE?

OH. EXCUSE ME.

SORRY.
I NEED TO GET THROUGH.

Provenza: PLEASE, ALLOW ME.

HEY.
YOU CAN GO THROUGH.
THANK YOU.

MM-HMM.

YES, SIRREE.

WOW.

WHO IS THAT?

THAT IS BUZZ'S SISTER
CASEY.

SHE DOES THE WEATHER
IN SEATTLE.

SHE'S HOT, SIR.

BUT SHE HAS OPINIONS.

OH.
Casey: OH, MY.

SANTA VOMIT --
HOW CHARMING.

TELL ME, BUZZY,

STILL BELIEVE THIS GUY

REPRESENTS THE MAGIC
OF CHRISTMAS?

NOW, HOLD ON A MINUTE,
YOUNG LADY.

I'LL ADMIT THAT MY BEHAVIOR
THE LAST FEW HOURS

HAS BEEN DISGRACEFUL.

BUT I WANT YOU TO KNOW
THAT, BEFORE THIS EVENING,

I SPENT MY ENTIRE ADULT LIFE
RESPECTING CHRISTMAS.

AND IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN --
WHERE IS SHE? --

AND IN CASE YOU'VE FORGOTTEN,

I ALSO STAND FOR PEACE ON EARTH
AND JOY TO THE WORLD.

BEHOLD --
EVEN IN MY DARKEST HOUR,

THE POWER OF SANTA CLAUS

DRAWS
THESE JADED POLICE OFFICERS

TO GAZE ON ME
IN WONDER AND AWE.

THEY KNOW WHAT I REPRESENT
IS REAL.

THEY CERTAINLY
LOOK REAL.

YEAH. UH.
MAYBE I SHOULD SHOW THEM AROUND.

I MEAN BUZZ AND HIS SISTER,
WHILE SHE'S IN TOWN.

YEAH, RIGHT.
OH.

YOU KNOW, AS CHIEF OF POLICE,

I CAN TAKE HER PLACES
NOBODY ELSE CAN.

[ CHUCKLES ]
Y-- MM-HMM.

Brenda:
WOULD Y'ALL LOOK AT YOURSELVES?

LIKE A BUNCH OF DIABETICS

STANDING IN FRONT
OF A CANDY STORE.

DID SANTA WAKE UP
FROM HIS LONG WINTER'S NAP,

SO WE CAN ALL GET BACK TO WORK?

REALLY, GUYS,
CAN WE PLEASE?

WE HAVE IMPORTANT WORK
TO DO HERE.

COME ON.

OKAY, SANTA.
TIME TO GET UP.

LET'S GO.
HO, HO.

HI, CASEY.
HI.

WHOA. WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS
TO BOTH OF YOU.

AND THANK YOU, YOUNG LADY,
FOR YOUR HEALING ATTENTIONS.

OH.
OH, SORRY.

PROBABLY LINT FROM MY BEARD.
MY FAULT.

Flynn:
LET'S GO. COME ON.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
TO REMAIN SILENT.

Santa Jack: ALL RIGHT.

IF YOU GIVE UP THAT RIGHT,
ANYTHING YOU SAY

CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU
IN A COURT OF LAW.

I HATE YOU BOTHER YOU
WITH THIS, BUT, UM...

REALLY?
YES.

YOU HAVE THE RIGHT
TO AN ATTORNEY.
YES.

IF YOU CAN'T AFFORD ONE,
ONE WILL BE APPOINTED TO YOU.

GAVIN IS ASKING FOR ANOTHER
$25,000, AND I DON'T HAVE IT.

HE'S STILL CHARGING YOU?
ALL RIGHT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

I'LL FIX IT.

THANK YOU, WILL.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

[ SIGHS ]
OKAY, CHIEF.

SANTA WILL SEE YOU NOW.

SANTA JACK,
WHEN WE SPOKE EARLIER TODAY,

YOU SAID THAT YOU GAVE UP
YOUR TRIP ON THE ZIP LINE

BECAUSE IT FRIGHTENED YOU.

AND I KEEP THINKING
HOW LUCKY IT IS

THAT THE PERSON
WHO REPLACED YOU

WAS THE SAME GUY TRYING TO OPEN
HIS OWN CHRISTMAS VILLAGE.

BUT HE WAS ALSO
THE ONLY OTHER QUALIFIED SANTA

AT THE NORTH POLE.

AND NOW THAT I'M SOBER,

I REALLY FEEL BAD
ABOUT THAT ACCIDENT.

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY

THAT YOU USE THE WORD
"ACCIDENT"...
[ COUGHING ]

...'CAUSE WE FOUND EVIDENCE
THAT SUGGESTS

THAT SOMEONE TAMPERED WITH
THE BRAKES ON THAT ZIP LINE.

MAKING IT LOOK LESS LIKE AN
ACCIDENT AND MORE LIKE A MURDER.

MURDER?!
OHH!

BUT...YOU CAN'T THINK
SANTA DID THIS!

EARLIER THIS EVENING,
YOU IMPLIED --

OH, NO, NO, WAIT.

THAT -- THAT WAS
THE EGGNOG TALKING.

LISTEN, IF I WANTED RANDY DEAD,
I WOULDN'T HAVE OFFED HIM

IN FRONT OF A BUNCH
OF INNOCENT LITTLE CHILDREN.

THIS HAS RUINED
MY BUSINESS.

NO, ACTUALLY, IT HASN'T.

YOU'RE ABOUT TO MAKE OUT
LIKE A BANDIT.

WHAT'S THAT?

EXCUSE ME, SIR.
OH.

THAT'S YOUR BUSINESS
INSURANCE POLICY.

THANK YOU,
DETECTIVE.

IT COVERS
ALL REVENUES LOSSES

FROM THE CLOSURE
OF THE NORTH POLE VILLAGE.

YOU COULD ACTUALLY MAKE
MORE MONEY CLOSED

THAN IF YOU'D STAYED OPEN.

HOPE I'M NOT CROWDING YOU,
CASEY.
MM.

CASEY, RIGHT?
MM-HMM.

CHIEF OF POLICE
WILLIAM POPE.

HI.
NICE TO MEET YOU.

MY BROTHER
MUST HAVE SET THIS UP FOR ME

AS PART
OF THE LEASE AGREEMENT

WHEN HE BOUGHT ME
THE VILLAGE.

KEEPING A CLOSE EYE
ON THIS CASE.
MM.

A LOT OF FRANTIC PARENTS
CALLING IN.

I'M HOPING WE CAN KEEP
FROM SPOILING SANTA CLAUS

FOR A LOT
OF LITTLE CHILDREN.

AWW, THAT'S WONDERFUL.

YOU'RE HELPING PARENTS
DELAY THE MOMENT

CHILDREN REALIZE THEY'VE BEEN
LIED TO ABOUT CHRISTMAS

THEIR WHOLE LIVES.

THAT MUST MAKE YOU
VERY PROUD.

LISTEN, UH, DO YOU HAPPEN
TO KNOW HOW MUCH, UH,

HOW MUCH, UH, SANTA JACK
GETS PAID

FOR HAVING TO SHUT DOWN
LIKE THIS?

THIS YEAR,
APPROXIMATELY $600,000.

HOLY FRANKINCENSE
[COUGHS] AND MYRRH!

[ COUGHING ]

HEY, DOES IT ALSO COVER

WHAT HAPPENED
TO MY FLOAT, TOO?

WAIT.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR FLOAT?

OH, IT WENT UP
IN FLAMES.

OH, BURNT COMPLETELY.

I-I BARELY GOT OUT
OF THE STORAGE GARAGE ALIVE.

OHH.

YOU WERE WITH THE FLOAT
WHEN IT CAUGHT ON FIRE?

WELL, YEAH.

TRUTH IS, I-I GET
A LOT OF ATTENTION NOW,

BUT THE REST OF THE YEAR,

I'M MOSTLY JUST ANOTHER
OUT-OF-WORK ACTOR IN HOLLYWOOD.

AND SOMETIMES WHEN I'M FEELING
A LITTLE BLUE,

I-I DRESS UP
IN MY OLD SANTA SUIT

AND GO HANG OUT
IN MY FLOAT,

MAYBE HAVE A DRINK OR TWO.

MM.

ANYWAY, LAST SEPTEMBER,

I PASSED OUT
ON MY SLEIGH BENCH,

AND WHEN I WOKE UP,
THE ENTIRE FLOAT WAS IN FLAMES.

YEAH, AND MY, UH...
MY BEST BEARD,

THE ONE MADE ENTIRELY
OF ACTUAL YAK HAIR -- TORCHED!

BURNED UP FASTER
THAN A PAIR OF KID'S PAJAMAS.

OH, MY GOD.

THE HALLOWEEN FAIR'S
EVEN PAID FOR,

EVEN THOUGH THE HEALTH
DEPARTMENT SHUT ME DOWN.

BECAUSE OF BOTULISM.

YEAH,
IN ONE SINGLE BROWNIE,

AND IT WAS MY BROWNIE,
TO BOOT.

LITTLE GUY SNATCHED IT RIGHT OFF
THE PLATTER OF SNACKS

THAT RANDY AND I KEPT
IN MY BIG JACK-O'-LANTERN.

THAT WAS MY NAME
AT HALLOWEEN --

JACK LANTERN.

FUNNY, RIGHT?

DIDN'T SOMETHING HAPPEN

TO YOUR MINIVAN, TOO?

YEAH.

MY BRAKES WENT OUT JUST AS I WAS
GETTING OFF THE FREEWAY.

LUCKILY, THE LIGHT WAS GREEN AT
THE BOTTOM OF THE EXIT RAMP.

OTHERWISE, SANTA
WOULD HAVE CRASHED AND --

SO, WAIT. WAIT. WAIT.

TODAY, THE ZIP LINE.
YEAH.

BEFORE THAT, THE MINIVAN.

AND THE BROWNIE
AND THE FLOAT.

MY GOD!

IS THIS PART
OF THE WAR ON CHRISTMAS?

EITHER THAT, OR TODAY
SOMEONE KILLED THE WRONG SANTA.

[ SIGHS ]

FRITZI? HEY.

YOU'RE UP LATE.

YEAH. YEAH.

SOMETHING ABOUT POSSIBLY LOSING
EVERYTHING WE HAVE

MADE IT HARD TO NOD OFF,

SO I THOUGHT I'D GET CHRISTMAS
UP AND ROLLING.

HOW'D YOUR DAY GO?

UM, GOOD.
GOOD.
MM.

I'M STA-- OH, KEITH!

I...

UH, I'M STARTING TO THINK
THAT SOMEBODY

REALLY DOESN'T WANT SANTA
AT THE NORTH POLE.

AND HIS NIECE
WAS RIGHT.

WE'VE BEEN CHECKING
WITH REALTORS,

AND RANDY AND LISA

COULDN'T AFFORD
A VACANT LOT IN LOS ANGELES,

MUCH LESS
THEIR OWN CHRISTMAS VILLAGE.

HEY, FRITZI,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I AM TAKING DOWN
ALL OF YOUR PHILLIP STROH STUFF.

WHAT? WHY?
I AM. I AM TIRED
OF LOOKING AT HIM.

IT IS CREEPY, HAVING HIM IN
OUR GUEST ROOM ALL THE TIME.
BUT THE CASE IS STILL OPEN.

AND I'M THE ONLY PERSON
WHO STILL REMEMBERS

WHAT HAPPENED
TO ALL THESE POOR WOMEN.
HEY, LOOK, I LIVE HERE, TOO.

AND I'VE GOT TO GET THIS GUY
OUT OF OUR GUEST ROOM.

IT'S NOT GOOD FOR ME,
SO ONE OF US HAS TO GO.

OKAY. FINE.
I'LL -- I'LL TAKE HIM TO WORK.

THAT'S NOT A BIG DEAL
AT ALL.

HEY, LOOK, LOOK, LOOK.

I KNOW WHAT STROH DID
WAS AWFUL.

BUT HOLDING ON
TO THE PAST LIKE THIS,

REFUSING TO LET GO OF THE GUY --
IT'S HURTING US, TOO.

IT'S MAKING THIS COURT CASE
WE'RE FACING MORE CREDIBLE.

DON'T YOU WANT
TO BEAT THIS THING?

IS GETTING STROH
WORTH RISKING OUR WHOLE FUTURE?

[ SIGHS ] YOU'RE RIGHT.
I'M SORRY.

[ SIGHS ]

SORRY.
I KNOW YOU'RE RIGHT.

SOMETIMES, I HOLD ON TO THINGS
LONGER THAN I SHOULD.

BUT, LOOK, YOU HAVE TO KNOW

THAT THERE'S NOTHING ON EARTH
I WANT MORE

THAN TO GET RID
OF GAVIN AND GOLDMAN

AND THIS WHOLE
TERRIBLE LAWSUIT...

SO THAT THE FUTURE CAN GO BACK
TO WHAT IT USED TO BE.

I'D BE HAPPY IF OUR GUEST ROOM
GOES BACK TO WHAT IT USED TO BE.

[ CHUCKLES ]

[ SIGHS ]

LOOK, THE FUTURE
IS GONNA BE WHAT IT IS.

IN THE MEANTIME, TRY NOT
TO FREAK OUT IN ADVANCE.

WHAT?

[ GASPS ]

HOW TRUE.

HMM?

FREAKING OUT IN ADVANCE --

THAT'S -- THAT'S
JUST NOT RIGHT.

[ VEHICLE DOOR OPENS ]
* JUST HEAR THOSE SLEIGH BELLS
JINGLING *

CASEY, DON'T MESS
WITH MY CAMERA.

Casey: COME ON, BUZZY.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE
MR. HOLIDAY SPIRIT.

MOM SAID SHE WANTED PICTURES
OF YOU, TOO.

OKAY, UH, LET'S FAST-FORWARD
TO THE ACCIDENT, PLEASE.

[ VIDEO FAST-FORWARDING ]

Together: 8...7...

HO, HO, HO!

...6...5...
OKAY, CASEY, SMILE.

...4...3...2...1!
NO! OH, GOD! NO!

OKAY, STOP IT RIGHT THERE.

L-LET'S GO BACK
TO WHERE THE WOMAN SCREAMS.

[ VIDEO REWINDS ]

OKAY, CASEY, SMILE.

...4...3...2...1!
NO! OH, MY GOD! NO!

FREEZE IT. THERE.

YOU KNOW, WHEN BUZZ
FIRST SHOWED ME THIS FOOTAGE,

IT DIDN'T QUITE REGISTER

THAT THE WOMAN
STARTED SCREAMING

BEFORE SANTA RANDY
TOOK THE LEAP.

AND AS YOU CAN SEE, MS. McBRIDE,
THAT WOMAN IS...YOU.

DONNA McBRIDE, YOU HAVE
THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT.

ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN
AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU...

WAIT A MINUTE. I DON'T
UNDERSTAND WHAT'S HAPPENING.
WHY ARE YOU, UH...

YOUR NIECE WAS HORRIFIED
IN ADVANCE OF THE ACCIDENT.

WHICH MEANS, SANTA JACK,
THAT SHE KNEW RANDY

WAS ABOUT TO TAKE
THE DEATH PLUNGE

THAT SHE HAD PLANNED
FOR YOU.

Donna: NO.
NO, THAT'S NOT RIGHT.

I-I COULD NEVER KILL
MY UNCLE JACK.

YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT,
BUT NOT FOR LACK OF TRYING.

Provenza: AND WHO ELSE
HAS ACCESS TO HIS PROPERTY,

COULD BURN DOWN THE PLACE
WHERE HE STORES HIS FLOAT,

OR FIDDLE WITH HIS BRAKES?

BUT SHE DOESN'T KNOW
ANYTHING ABOUT ZIP LINES.

WELL, SHE KNEW
EVERYTHING SHE NEEDED TO KNOW

AFTER SIGNING OFF
ON THE SAFETY AGREEMENT,

INCLUDING
HOW THE BRAKES WORK.

AND SHE SAW YOU
REHEARSING THE RIDE.

Donna: THIS IS NONSENSE.

WHY WOULD I DO
SUCH A TERRIBLE THING?

I REMEMBER YOU TELLING ME
THAT RANDY AND LISA

COULDN'T AFFORD
TO BUY THE NORTH POLE.

MADE ME WONDER JUST HOW MUCH
A PLOT OF LAND LIKE THAT

WOULD COST IN L.A.

SO WE DID SOME RESEARCH.

TWO DAYS BEFORE
YOUR UNCLE'S CAR ACCIDENT,

THE REAL-ESTATE COMPANY
OF BROWN&BARROWS

OFFERED YOU $20 MILLION
FOR THE PROPERTY

THAT YOU'RE LEASING
TO YOUR UNCLE FOR LIFE.

AND, LO AND BEHOLD, TWO DAYS
LATER, HIS MINIVAN CRASHES.

ONE WEEK LATER,
BROWN&BARROWS

UPPED THEIR OFFER
BY $1 MILLION.

AND YOUR UNCLE
BARELY ESCAPED BURNING TO DEATH

ON HIS FLOAT.

THERE'S A PATTERN.

OFFER.
BOTULISM.

OFFER.
ZIP LINE.

LISTEN TO ME, DONNA.
THIS IS WHAT I'M GOING TO DO.

I'M GOING TO ARREST YOU
FOR MURDER IN THE FIRST DEGREE

AND THREE COUNTS
OF ATTEMPTED SANTACIDE.

BUT IN THE SPIRIT
OF THE SEASON,

AND SINCE YOU WEREN'T REALLY
TRYING TO KILL SANTA RANDY,

I'M NOT GOING TO PURSUE
THE DEATH-PENALTY TRIAL

IF YOU JUST SAY
THE MAGIC WORDS.

I OFFERED YOU A MILLION DOLLARS
TO GIVE UP THAT LEASE.

CHRISTMAS...IS NOT FOR SALE.

YOU IDIOT!

WHAT?
I AM NOT AN IDIOT.

YOU DIDN'T TO DRESS UP
IN THAT STUPID RED SUIT

AND WAVE AT PEOPLE.
IT IS NOT A STUPID RED SUIT!

OHH!
YOU ARE NOT A LEGEND!

THERE ARE HUNDREDS OF SANTAS
BETTER THAN YOU!

YOU ARE THE WORST ACTOR EVER --
EVER!

YOUNG LADY, I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW
I'VE WON SIX DRAMA-LOGUE AWARDS!

OH, GOD!

HE IS A DEGENERATE,
UNDESERVING BLOWHARD

WHO RUINED EVERY CHRISTMAS
FOR ME MY ENTIRE LIFE!

BECAUSE OF HIM,
I NEVER EVEN GOT THE CHANCE

TO BELIEVE IN SANTA CLAUS!

YEAH, I WANTED HIM DEAD.

AND IF I EVER GET THE CHANCE,
I'LL TRY AND KILL HIM AGAIN!

OH!

OHH!

[ BREATHES DEEPLY ]

WELL, MERRY CHRISTMAS TO YOU,
TOO.

ANOTHER $25,000?
ARE YOU SERIOUS?

I KNOW IT'S BEEN A WHILE

SINCE YOU WORKED
IN THE CITY ATTORNEY'S OFFICE,

BUT DO YOU RECALL

WHAT A PUBLIC SERVANT
LIKE CHIEF JOHNSON IS PAID?

I RECALL IT VERY WELL.

THAT'S WHY I LEFT
AND GOT INTO PRIVATE PRACTICE,

WHERE, LEST WE FORGET,
PEOPLE PAY ME FOR MY SERVICES.

SO FAR, I'VE SAVED THE CITY
OVER $500,000.

AND IF I'M FENDING OFF
A $50 MILLION AWARD,

PLUS PUNITIVE DAMAGES
AGAINST CHIEF JOHNSON,

IN WHAT CAN ONLY
BE DESCRIBED

AS THE BIGGEST LAWSUIT
OF ITS KIND

CURRENTLY
BEFORE THE FEDERAL BENCH,

MY COMPENSATION
SHOULD BE RELATIVE

TO MY EXPENSES
AND MY TIME INVOLVED.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN,

IF YOU ARE TRYING
THE BIGGEST LAWSUIT OF ITS KIND

CURRENTLY BEFORE
THE FEDERAL BENCH,

THEN YOU'RE GONNA BE
ON TELEVISION A LOT AND --

WELL, MY PUBLIC PROFILE
IS PART --
I'M STILL TALKING.

I'M STILL TALKING.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK,

YOU COULD NOT BUY
THE KIND OF PUBLICITY

THAT YOU WILL GET
FROM THIS CASE.

FROM NOW ON, YOU WILL BE
THE FIRST RESORT

OF ANY LAW-ENFORCEMENT OFFICER
FACING SIMILAR CHARGES,

AND I'M GUESSING YOUR RATES
WILL GO UP ACCORDINGLY.

TO BE CLEAR, IF YOU ARE NOT
WILLING TO TAKE THIS PRO BONO,

I GUARANTEE YOU
SOMEBODY ELSE WILL BE.

IF WANT TO SET UP YOUR NEXT
COMPETITOR, BE OUR GUEST.

WELL, LET'S NOT DRAW
THIS OUT.

I DON'T USUALLY WORK
FOR FREE,

BUT I LIKE BRENDA,
AND I HATE PETER GOLDMAN,

AND MY OFFICE
WILL BE IN TOUCH.

BYE-BYE.

OH, WILL...

THANK YOU SO MUCH
FOR HELPING ME AGAIN.

THERE'S NO WAY WE COULD AFFORD
TO PAY FOR THAT.
EXCUSE ME.

I COULDN'T HELP
BUT OVERHEAR --

C-CORRECT ME IF I'M WRONG,

BUT ARE YOU
UNDER THE IMPRESSION

THAT CHIEF POPE
WAS IN ANY WAY RESPONSIBLE

FOR PROCURING ME
MY LAST RETAINER?

WELL, I KNOW THE CITY
DIDN'T VOLUNTEER TO PAY IT.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

AND CHIEF POPE HAD NOTHING
TO DO WITH IT, EITHER.

HE DIDN'T?
NO.

THAT MONEY
CAME FROM YOUR HUSBAND,

OUT OF AN INHERITANCE HE HAD
FROM HIS PARENTS.

I'M SORRY.
WHERE WERE WE?

AH, YES, I REMEMBER.

BYE-BYE.

I KNOW YOU THOUGHT HE WAS
A SHAM, BUT LOOK AT THIS.

HERE'S ALL THE STUFF
SANTA JACK

SAVED FROM KIDS
OVER THE YEARS --

THOUSANDS AND THOUSANDS
OF LETTERS

FILED ALPHABETICALLY
AND BY DATE.

ONE IN PARTICULAR
STANDS OUT TO ME.

[ EXHALES SHARPLY ]

MM.

"DEAR SANTA...

"I AM WRITING YOU

"BECAUSE WE HAVE HAD A VERY HARD
TIME SINCE WE LOST MY DAD.

"AND SOMEONE STOLE
MY BIG BROTHER BUZZY'S BICYCLE,

"AND MOM SAYS
WE CAN'T BUY A NEW ONE.

"ALL OF HIS FRIENDS HAVE BIKES,
AND HE FEELS LEFT OUT,

"EVEN THOUGH HE ACTS
LIKE IT'S OKAY.

"WE STILL LIVE IN THE SAME PLACE
WE DID LAST YEAR.

"AND IF THERE'S ANYTHING
LEFT OVER AFTER THE BIKE,

"I WOULD LIKE A PONY.

"I LOVE YOU, SANTA.

CASEY WATSON."

YOU SEE?

Santa Jack: CAN ANYONE HERE SAY
"HALLELUJAH!" 20 MILLION TIMES

REALLY FAST?

[ LAUGHS ]

'CAUSE THAT'S
HOW GRATEFUL I AM

FOR THE $20 MILLION

BROWN&BARROWS
HAS JUST AGREED TO PAY ME

FOR MY CHRISTMAS VILLAGE!

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU'D NEVER
GIVE UP THE NORTH POLE.

WELL,
THAT'S BEFORE YOU GUYS

PROVED THAT MY NIECE
TRIED TO KILL ME.

NOW SHE NEEDS A LAWYER.

SO I TOLD HER, IF SHE SIGNED
THE LAND OVER TO ME,

I'D SELL IT
AND HELP HER HIRE ONE.

HERE, HERE.
ENJOY.

OH.
THE REASON FOR THE SEASON.

[ LAUGHS ]

OH, OH.

DON'T THINK I FORGOT ABOUT YOU,
YOUNG FELLA.

IF IT WASN'T
FOR THAT TRUSTY CAMERA OF YOURS,

DONNA WOULD BE PLANNING ON
MURDERING ME AGAIN, I'M SURE.

Flynn:
SO, TELL US, SANTA,

WHAT ARE THEY GONNA BUILD
AT THE NORTH POLE?

WHAT THEY ALWAYS BUILD
IN L.A. --

A TEMPERATURE-CONTROLLED
INDOOR SHOPPING ENVIRONMENT,

FEATURING LOTS
OF RETAIL STORES

ALL CRAMMED NEXT TO EACH OTHER

AND CONNECTED BY AN ESCALATOR
AND A FOOD COURT.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU SOLD CHRISTMAS.

OH, NONSENSE, BUZZ.

WHAT SAYS CHRISTMAS
BETTER THAN A MALL?

MY VERY WORDS,
YE MERRY GENTLEMEN --

MY VERY WORDS.

OH...

AND SANTA REMEMBERS YOU, TOO,
LOVELY LADY.

OH.
SORRY.

A LITTLE CONFETTI THERE.
MY FAULT.

Casey: AND DON'T FORGET,
BOYS AND GIRLS,

TO TUNE IN ON CHRISTMAS EVE,

WHEN WE WILL BE PLUGGING IN

OUR SPECIALLY MODIFIED
DOPPLER 12000 RADAR

TO TRACK SANTA'S PROGRESS

AS HE MAKES HIS JOURNEY
ALL THE WAY FROM THE NORTH POLE

AND INTO YOUR LIVING ROOM
AND UNDER YOUR TREE.

I'M CASEY WATSON.

GOOD WEATHER, AND GOOD NIGHT.

Woman: AND WE'RE OUT.

[ Sighing ] OHH.