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1
00:00:05,200 --> 00:00:06,560
[tapping]
2
00:00:06,640 --> 00:00:09,160
Anyone watching thinking we know fuck all
3
00:00:09,240 --> 00:00:13,520
about knowing fuck all about owt,
needs to watch their backs! Oh!
4
00:00:13,600 --> 00:00:18,400
So you've had your Labour, reclassifying
skunk, sending prices sky-high.
5
00:00:18,480 --> 00:00:22,280
Literally, literally,
taking the grass from its own roots.
6
00:00:22,360 --> 00:00:25,120
And now you've got your Con-Dem-Nation.
7
00:00:25,200 --> 00:00:28,880
Liberals noshing Tories
like altar boys picking dimps up.
8
00:00:28,960 --> 00:00:32,360
Have we had a national
fucking stroke or what?
9
00:00:32,439 --> 00:00:36,280
Is revolution a word, or was it never?
10
00:00:36,360 --> 00:00:37,960
Anybody watching needs to know,
11
00:00:38,040 --> 00:00:42,200
we cope better than average
with irony in Chatsworth.
12
00:00:42,280 --> 00:00:45,520
Well, for fuck's sake,
we live in Manchester,
13
00:00:45,600 --> 00:00:48,280
and they charge us for water?
14
00:00:48,360 --> 00:00:53,080
I wandered lonely as a clown,
necking mushrooms rarely found.
15
00:00:53,160 --> 00:00:56,800
This green
and pleasant land in ancient time.
16
00:00:56,880 --> 00:00:59,400
Yak! Yak! Yak! Yak! Yak! Yak!
17
00:00:59,480 --> 00:01:02,680
It's not theirs any more.
18
00:01:02,760 --> 00:01:05,840
-This is our England now!
-[cheering]
19
00:01:05,920 --> 00:01:07,680
Party!
20
00:01:07,760 --> 00:01:09,200
[theme music]
21
00:01:13,200 --> 00:01:16,560
-[Tannoy] Dr. Page to Cardiology.
-[monitor beeping]
22
00:01:16,640 --> 00:01:19,840
[Chesney] There was a lad
in our school called Deano.
23
00:01:19,920 --> 00:01:24,640
Hard little bastard,
from a long line of hard little bastards.
24
00:01:24,720 --> 00:01:26,720
One day at school assembly,
25
00:01:26,800 --> 00:01:30,080
we were told he'd been knocked over
and was in a coma.
26
00:01:30,160 --> 00:01:32,880
And we cheered. Everyone cheered.
27
00:01:34,400 --> 00:01:36,520
And the teachers said nothing.
28
00:01:38,920 --> 00:01:42,080
They hated the fucker
just as much as we did.
29
00:01:42,160 --> 00:01:43,440
[beeping gets faster]
30
00:01:43,520 --> 00:01:47,800
But when he eventually came back
to school, he'd changed.
31
00:01:47,880 --> 00:01:51,400
Within two years, he'd sat his GCSEs
and passed the lot.
32
00:01:53,880 --> 00:01:55,760
Only one in the school that did.
33
00:01:58,640 --> 00:02:00,360
-[piano music]
-[monitor beeping normally]
34
00:03:00,440 --> 00:03:02,360
[voices in the background]
35
00:03:03,440 --> 00:03:04,320
[suspenseful music]
36
00:03:04,400 --> 00:03:05,280
Hello?
37
00:03:12,320 --> 00:03:13,360
Patty?
38
00:03:14,840 --> 00:03:16,800
What the fuck are you doing?
39
00:03:16,880 --> 00:03:19,200
[distorted voice] What the fuck
are you doing?
40
00:03:21,440 --> 00:03:22,480
[Chesney] Ask what?
41
00:03:24,520 --> 00:03:25,680
I don't like this.
42
00:03:25,760 --> 00:03:29,200
That's not a question. Try again.
43
00:03:29,280 --> 00:03:31,360
I don't want this. Why am I here?
44
00:03:31,440 --> 00:03:33,960
I've already given your answer.
45
00:03:34,040 --> 00:03:35,840
No, you haven't.
46
00:03:35,920 --> 00:03:39,720
What the fuck are you doing?
47
00:03:44,320 --> 00:03:46,320
-Fuck!
-Oh!
48
00:03:47,440 --> 00:03:50,080
What the feck
are you doing out of hospital?
49
00:03:50,160 --> 00:03:52,640
-What are you doing here?
-I work here.
50
00:03:52,720 --> 00:03:53,760
No, you don't.
51
00:03:53,840 --> 00:03:56,320
I think you'll find I do,
what's left of it.
52
00:03:56,400 --> 00:03:58,200
Oh, fuck.
53
00:03:58,280 --> 00:04:01,200
All right, cuz?
Good to see you back on your feet.
54
00:04:02,240 --> 00:04:04,600
Where am I supposed to live? Where's Uzma?
55
00:04:04,680 --> 00:04:06,680
Glasgow. Sends her love.
56
00:04:06,760 --> 00:04:08,520
Everything's going to be all right.
57
00:04:08,600 --> 00:04:10,600
We're decorating the spare room
at Grandad's for you.
58
00:04:10,680 --> 00:04:12,640
Got a little job lined up, too.
59
00:04:12,720 --> 00:04:15,760
All that time I was in the hospital,
what, you've been planning this?
60
00:04:15,840 --> 00:04:17,760
No wonder
I didn't get any fucking visitors.
61
00:04:17,839 --> 00:04:19,920
Sorry, mate.
I was going to drop in tonight.
62
00:04:20,000 --> 00:04:22,680
Been mad busy getting this place
on the market.
63
00:04:22,760 --> 00:04:24,920
Yeah, doesn't Grandad
usually take care of that?
64
00:04:25,000 --> 00:04:25,960
He's in Pakistan.
65
00:04:27,080 --> 00:04:29,000
[phone rings]
66
00:04:32,560 --> 00:04:37,320
Hiya, Grandad.
How was the wedding? Oh, lovely, that.
67
00:04:37,400 --> 00:04:40,080
Try not to think of this
as something ending.
68
00:04:40,160 --> 00:04:43,560
Think of it as something
just about to begin.
69
00:04:50,280 --> 00:04:55,320
If I were shipwrecked on a desert island
with him, I would.
70
00:04:56,800 --> 00:04:59,440
Well, I think he's nice for his age.
He's a good-looking man.
71
00:04:59,520 --> 00:05:01,920
He's a good-looking ex-priest.
72
00:05:02,000 --> 00:05:05,760
He'd smell of incense and communion wine.
The guilt would dry me up.
73
00:05:05,840 --> 00:05:08,960
What do you think, Karen? Dom.
74
00:05:09,040 --> 00:05:10,640
There's only one man for me.
75
00:05:10,720 --> 00:05:13,160
He's the best-looking man
on the Chatsworth.
76
00:05:13,240 --> 00:05:16,760
-What do you think, G?
-He's too pretty for my taste.
77
00:05:18,520 --> 00:05:20,000
He's embarrassed.
78
00:05:20,080 --> 00:05:21,440
[the women laugh]
79
00:05:21,520 --> 00:05:24,560
Hey, that's a sight I've never
seen before, Mr. Maguire.
80
00:05:24,640 --> 00:05:26,120
Go 'ed, son.
81
00:05:26,200 --> 00:05:27,480
White wine?
82
00:05:32,280 --> 00:05:36,040
[Lillian] Mad busy.
I've had to service a couple myself.
83
00:05:36,120 --> 00:05:38,040
The kid with the granny fixation,
the bloke
84
00:05:38,120 --> 00:05:39,880
with the runny eyes and the Labrador.
85
00:05:39,960 --> 00:05:41,760
What was it you wanted to see me about?
86
00:05:41,840 --> 00:05:44,840
I need you to come back, Kel.
We're run off us feet.
87
00:05:44,920 --> 00:05:46,560
Business doing well, then?
88
00:05:46,640 --> 00:05:50,800
Yeah, but the hours go against
the European Work Time Directive.
89
00:05:50,880 --> 00:05:52,120
We still need help.
90
00:05:53,320 --> 00:05:55,040
We need some new recruits.
91
00:05:55,120 --> 00:05:58,320
You can't advertise for 'em
in the Evening News.
92
00:05:58,400 --> 00:06:02,440
-You'll be arrested. It's soliciting.
-Says "massage services".
93
00:06:02,520 --> 00:06:06,960
"Back-door experience essential,
girl-on-girl required as and when."
94
00:06:07,040 --> 00:06:08,400
[knocking]
95
00:06:08,480 --> 00:06:10,560
We need staff and we need 'em now.
96
00:06:10,640 --> 00:06:12,520
The girls haven't even been for a wax.
97
00:06:12,600 --> 00:06:14,520
Their fannies are like welcome mats.
98
00:06:21,240 --> 00:06:23,800
Hey, welcome back
to the land of the living, Ches.
99
00:06:25,240 --> 00:06:27,120
-On the house.
-[cheering]
100
00:06:27,200 --> 00:06:29,160
Just Chesney.
101
00:06:29,240 --> 00:06:30,720
[moaning]
102
00:06:30,800 --> 00:06:33,280
Must have terrified the life out of you.
103
00:06:33,360 --> 00:06:35,280
Bit of a wake-up call, yeah.
104
00:06:35,360 --> 00:06:38,080
I'll have to pay out now.
I was doing a book on you.
105
00:06:38,160 --> 00:06:41,680
Jonesy won the lot.
Over a hundred quid as well.
106
00:06:41,760 --> 00:06:43,400
-How come?
-He was the only one
107
00:06:43,480 --> 00:06:46,640
-that thought you'd make it.
-Good to see you. Top man, Ches, top man.
108
00:06:46,720 --> 00:06:48,920
Rest of us thought you were
coming home in a box.
109
00:06:49,000 --> 00:06:51,840
Take no notice.
His mouth's wired directly to his arse.
110
00:06:51,920 --> 00:06:53,640
[Jackson]
We've all been worried about you.
111
00:06:53,720 --> 00:06:56,440
Run off our feet with the new business,
or we'd have dropped by the hozzy.
112
00:06:56,520 --> 00:06:59,760
We did call, but, you know, cos we
weren't related, wouldn't tell us much.
113
00:06:59,840 --> 00:07:03,280
[Avril] We miss the shop, Ches,
so we're having to do it online now.
114
00:07:03,360 --> 00:07:05,160
Dom pointed out we were all paying a fiver
115
00:07:05,240 --> 00:07:07,080
to have food delivered
to each of our houses.
116
00:07:07,160 --> 00:07:11,320
So, now we put in one massive order,
delivered to here.
117
00:07:11,400 --> 00:07:12,760
Entire drop for a fiver.
118
00:07:12,840 --> 00:07:16,080
You want to see the points
we collected on the loyalty card.
119
00:07:16,160 --> 00:07:19,760
Loads of messing, though.
Sooner be shopping at yours, Ches.
120
00:07:19,840 --> 00:07:21,600
So, when are you opening back up?
121
00:07:21,680 --> 00:07:24,600
I'm just the Paki in the corner shop
to you lot, aren't I?
122
00:07:24,680 --> 00:07:27,680
Don't be daft.
You're hardly even in the shop!
123
00:07:34,120 --> 00:07:35,800
I was wondering
when I'd get you on your own.
124
00:07:35,880 --> 00:07:37,240
Sorry?
125
00:07:37,320 --> 00:07:39,080
Let me finish up. I'll walk you home.
126
00:07:39,160 --> 00:07:40,840
There's no need.
127
00:07:40,920 --> 00:07:42,680
Well, it'd give us a chance
to talk about--
128
00:07:42,760 --> 00:07:44,480
Jamie. Seriously.
129
00:07:46,120 --> 00:07:47,680
[Dominic] Gloria?
130
00:07:48,880 --> 00:07:52,280
Come on, then. Your carriage awaits.
131
00:08:11,560 --> 00:08:13,280
You selling up?
132
00:08:13,360 --> 00:08:14,760
Grandad.
133
00:08:15,920 --> 00:08:19,360
Yeah. Not like he had much choice,
in my humble.
134
00:08:29,200 --> 00:08:31,560
Come here. You hear that?
135
00:08:32,679 --> 00:08:35,480
The monster approaching.
136
00:08:35,559 --> 00:08:42,120
A supermarket, dropping its offspring
in every postcode in the country.
137
00:08:42,200 --> 00:08:48,800
Soon you'll be standing in its shadow.
Too big for you to fight.
138
00:08:48,880 --> 00:08:51,840
And, having stuffed cash
in the back pocket of every councillor
139
00:08:51,920 --> 00:08:56,200
up and down the land,
too well-connected for you to challenge.
140
00:08:56,280 --> 00:09:00,960
It'll raise its big monster foot,
bring it down,
141
00:09:01,040 --> 00:09:03,840
and you and your shop will be gone.
142
00:09:04,880 --> 00:09:06,200
Just a memory.
143
00:09:08,240 --> 00:09:10,160
I remember when my dad
first bought this place.
144
00:09:10,240 --> 00:09:13,560
Hey, you're not facing a firing squad.
145
00:09:13,640 --> 00:09:18,920
The war's over. Walk. You're free.
146
00:09:20,800 --> 00:09:23,240
Yeah. I am.
147
00:09:25,000 --> 00:09:26,160
Thanks, Frank.
148
00:09:29,120 --> 00:09:29,960
Ches.
149
00:09:31,440 --> 00:09:32,440
Give us a hand.
150
00:09:32,520 --> 00:09:34,320
Knees fuse after a while.
151
00:09:37,800 --> 00:09:39,360
[Frank groans]
152
00:09:48,640 --> 00:09:51,080
Got viewings organised today, mate.
153
00:09:51,160 --> 00:09:52,720
Won't make too good an impression
154
00:09:52,800 --> 00:09:56,160
with your undies
and jizz mags all over the place.
155
00:09:56,240 --> 00:09:57,320
Personal stuff.
156
00:09:57,400 --> 00:10:00,240
Removal van's booked.
Need this place empty by Thursday.
157
00:10:00,320 --> 00:10:02,880
Gas and leccy'll be cut off a week Friday.
158
00:10:02,960 --> 00:10:04,800
Asked them to forward me
the bills at base.
159
00:10:04,880 --> 00:10:06,080
Base?
160
00:10:06,160 --> 00:10:08,760
Grandad's. Bradford?
161
00:10:10,560 --> 00:10:13,400
Box what you want, bin what you don't.
162
00:10:14,600 --> 00:10:17,000
Nice little shop lined up for you
in Bradford.
163
00:10:17,080 --> 00:10:20,480
Loads of old people, not too much stress.
164
00:10:20,560 --> 00:10:24,360
Keep your head down
and you'll reap the rewards.
165
00:10:24,440 --> 00:10:26,240
Wah! Ya! Ya!
166
00:10:27,560 --> 00:10:29,960
Ah!
167
00:10:30,040 --> 00:10:33,200
[cousin] And in a few years' time,
if you play your cards right...
168
00:10:34,320 --> 00:10:36,760
[bubbling]
169
00:10:36,840 --> 00:10:39,840
So, I'll tell Grandad you're on your way.
170
00:10:41,200 --> 00:10:42,280
No.
171
00:10:43,840 --> 00:10:47,960
-Tell him thanks, but no, thanks.
-Che...
172
00:10:56,000 --> 00:10:58,800
Thank you very much, Father.
Bless you too.
173
00:11:01,200 --> 00:11:04,280
The community centre's all yours.
174
00:11:04,360 --> 00:11:07,520
Not being funny,
but why are you auditioning hookers?
175
00:11:07,600 --> 00:11:09,360
To see if they're right for the job.
176
00:11:09,440 --> 00:11:13,080
And surely possessing a fanny
makes them right for the job?
177
00:11:13,160 --> 00:11:15,720
-There's a bit more to it than that.
-We all know how easy it is
178
00:11:15,800 --> 00:11:17,720
to get a man off.
179
00:11:17,800 --> 00:11:20,240
What you have to ensure, Ruby,
180
00:11:20,320 --> 00:11:23,880
is that you not only get him off,
but you get him back time after time.
181
00:11:23,960 --> 00:11:26,440
Some sort of brand loyalty?
182
00:11:26,520 --> 00:11:30,240
More often than not, you're giving a man
what he doesn't get at home,
183
00:11:30,320 --> 00:11:32,520
and that can be a combination
of a million things.
184
00:11:32,600 --> 00:11:36,120
Don't try and pass off what you do as
some sort of psychological balancing act.
185
00:11:36,200 --> 00:11:38,280
You fuck for money.
186
00:11:39,520 --> 00:11:42,200
He might crave intimacy. Give it.
187
00:11:42,280 --> 00:11:46,400
A straightforward, selfish fuck. Give it.
188
00:11:46,480 --> 00:11:49,280
To talk? Let him.
189
00:11:49,360 --> 00:11:52,480
He might want you to tell him
he's the best you've ever had,
190
00:11:52,560 --> 00:11:55,280
and you've been repulsed
by everything he's done.
191
00:11:55,360 --> 00:11:58,200
Get them in, get their money,
get them out.
192
00:11:58,280 --> 00:12:01,160
-It's all about profit.
-It's all about the moolah.
193
00:12:01,240 --> 00:12:02,760
And not much else.
194
00:12:02,840 --> 00:12:05,600
-[Kelly chuckles]
-It's not exactly skilled labour, is it?
195
00:12:05,680 --> 00:12:07,160
Says the voice of experience.
196
00:12:07,240 --> 00:12:11,360
You see, you don't need to be in your line
of work to know what a man's looking for.
197
00:12:11,440 --> 00:12:15,520
Market research, see who really
knows her arse from her elbow.
198
00:12:19,600 --> 00:12:21,520
Yeah, all right, you're on.
199
00:12:23,040 --> 00:12:28,080
I was having a discussion with a friend.
Well, I say "discussion", I mean argument.
200
00:12:28,160 --> 00:12:31,920
And I say "friend". Actually,
she's just some slapper that I know.
201
00:12:32,000 --> 00:12:33,400
But we were just wondering...
202
00:12:33,480 --> 00:12:35,520
...exactly what it was
men look for in a woman.
203
00:12:35,600 --> 00:12:36,800
[muffled moaning]
204
00:12:36,880 --> 00:12:41,280
Experience tells me men crave tenderness.
205
00:12:41,360 --> 00:12:42,880
A little bit of affection.
206
00:12:44,080 --> 00:12:47,680
-After a good spanking.
-Obviously.
207
00:12:47,760 --> 00:12:49,600
[Ruby] A man knows exactly
what he's after.
208
00:12:49,680 --> 00:12:52,680
And it ain't chitchat.
He can get that from his ma.
209
00:12:52,760 --> 00:12:53,960
If she wasn't dead.
210
00:12:54,040 --> 00:12:56,920
You see,
I think all men like a spot of courting.
211
00:12:57,000 --> 00:13:00,840
A bit of getting to know you,
nice bit of talk, just to melt the ice.
212
00:13:00,920 --> 00:13:04,560
Men are ruled directly
by their baser instincts.
213
00:13:04,640 --> 00:13:08,120
Evolution's taught them
you get in quick, you drop your DNA
214
00:13:08,200 --> 00:13:11,280
and then go off to the next egg
to be fertilised ASAP.
215
00:13:11,360 --> 00:13:13,360
It's a bit of a cliché, isn't it?
216
00:13:13,440 --> 00:13:14,840
Well, clichés are rooted in truth.
217
00:13:14,920 --> 00:13:17,240
Does that truth apply
to the Madonna-whore argument?
218
00:13:17,320 --> 00:13:21,840
No, because that is a bit simplistic.
That's just obvious.
219
00:13:21,920 --> 00:13:23,320
What do you reckon, Mimi?
220
00:13:23,400 --> 00:13:25,640
Are all women mothers or scrubbers?
221
00:13:25,720 --> 00:13:27,560
I like to think I'm a bit of both.
222
00:13:32,680 --> 00:13:35,360
I can get a ton 20 online.
223
00:13:35,440 --> 00:13:37,400
Then go online.
224
00:13:37,480 --> 00:13:41,920
All right, 30 it is. Class traitor.
Capitalising on the misery of folk
225
00:13:42,000 --> 00:13:44,640
forced to sell their possessions
to make ends meet.
226
00:13:44,720 --> 00:13:46,360
-Stop nicking my stuff!
-Hey!
227
00:13:46,440 --> 00:13:47,760
Get off!
228
00:13:50,320 --> 00:13:52,640
-Is my SIM in?
-What the fuck's a SIM?
229
00:13:55,040 --> 00:13:57,400
Oh, you're never getting rid
of poor old Larry, are you?
230
00:13:57,480 --> 00:14:02,320
Colin, how many more times?
We can't take livestock.
231
00:14:02,400 --> 00:14:05,120
We simply don't have the facilities.
232
00:14:06,280 --> 00:14:07,920
-Oh! Sorry, Larry.
-[Larry whinnies]
233
00:14:10,560 --> 00:14:12,800
[Gloria] ♪ I've got it, I've got it ♪
234
00:14:12,880 --> 00:14:18,200
♪ I'm every woman, it's all in me ♪
235
00:14:19,400 --> 00:14:22,960
♪ Anything you want right now
I'll give it naturally ♪
236
00:14:23,040 --> 00:14:25,520
Just a little list of things
I wanted to do, not mad things,
237
00:14:25,600 --> 00:14:27,480
little dreams I had when I was a kid.
238
00:14:27,560 --> 00:14:29,480
I've always dreamed of having a threesome.
239
00:14:29,560 --> 00:14:31,560
-Been there.
-Done that.
240
00:14:31,640 --> 00:14:35,120
Twosomes, threesomes,
young women, old women...
241
00:14:35,200 --> 00:14:36,600
-Mum and daughter.
-Mile high.
242
00:14:36,680 --> 00:14:38,920
-Pissed up, drugged up.
-Fucked up, tied up.
243
00:14:39,000 --> 00:14:40,800
-Indoor, outdoor.
-Front door, back door.
244
00:14:40,880 --> 00:14:42,760
Oh, back door...
245
00:14:44,440 --> 00:14:46,480
Hey, I can help you out
with that one easy enough.
246
00:14:46,560 --> 00:14:48,240
[Jackson] And I could cover
that one, mate.
247
00:14:48,320 --> 00:14:49,280
[Chesney] Yeah?
248
00:14:49,360 --> 00:14:51,280
-[Mimi] Ches, you're up!
-[cheering and applause]
249
00:14:51,360 --> 00:14:52,520
Singing?
250
00:14:52,600 --> 00:14:55,440
First time for everything, mate.
251
00:14:56,880 --> 00:14:58,240
I've got to see this.
252
00:15:01,480 --> 00:15:02,640
One, two, three, uh!
253
00:15:02,720 --> 00:15:06,360
♪ My baby don't mess around
Because she loves me so ♪
254
00:15:06,440 --> 00:15:09,120
♪ And this I know for sure ♪
255
00:15:10,360 --> 00:15:11,280
♪ Uh! ♪
256
00:15:11,360 --> 00:15:13,360
♪ But does she really want to ♪
257
00:15:13,440 --> 00:15:17,560
♪ But can't stand to see me
Walk out the door ♪
258
00:15:19,480 --> 00:15:21,840
♪ Don't try to fight the feeling ♪
259
00:15:21,920 --> 00:15:25,360
♪ Cos the thought alone
is killing me right now ♪
260
00:15:25,440 --> 00:15:26,960
Sing with me now!
261
00:15:27,040 --> 00:15:29,160
["Hey Ya!" playing]
♪ Hey ya ♪
262
00:15:29,240 --> 00:15:33,400
-Yeah! Top of the world!
-[truck honking]
263
00:15:33,480 --> 00:15:35,520
Stick your helmet on, you mad bastard!
264
00:15:35,600 --> 00:15:40,240
♪ Hey ya ♪
265
00:15:40,320 --> 00:15:42,800
♪ Hey ya ♪
266
00:15:42,880 --> 00:15:46,760
-Oi! What the fuck are you doing?
-[laughter]
267
00:15:46,840 --> 00:15:52,680
♪ But got it just don't get it
Till there's nothing at all ♪
268
00:15:52,760 --> 00:15:56,320
♪ We get together, oh, we get together
But separate's always better ♪
269
00:15:56,400 --> 00:16:00,520
-♪ When there's feelings involved ♪
-[shot]
270
00:16:00,600 --> 00:16:01,960
-♪ If what they say is ♪
-[shot]
271
00:16:02,040 --> 00:16:03,320
-Ah!
-♪ Nothing is forever ♪
272
00:16:03,400 --> 00:16:07,560
♪ Then what makes, then what makes
Then what makes, then what makes ♪
273
00:16:07,640 --> 00:16:08,960
♪ Love the exception ♪
274
00:16:09,040 --> 00:16:12,040
♪ So, why, oh, why, oh
Why, oh, why, oh, why, oh ♪
275
00:16:12,120 --> 00:16:16,480
♪ Are we so in denial
When we know we're not happy here? ♪
276
00:16:16,560 --> 00:16:19,000
-♪ Y'all don't want me here ♪
-[screaming]
277
00:16:21,800 --> 00:16:25,360
♪ Hey ya ♪
278
00:16:25,440 --> 00:16:26,680
[cheering]
279
00:16:28,880 --> 00:16:31,240
I did not know you had that in you, mate.
280
00:16:31,320 --> 00:16:32,360
Neither did I.
281
00:16:32,440 --> 00:16:35,320
It's got me thinking about stuff
I'd like to do as well.
282
00:16:35,400 --> 00:16:36,480
Go on.
283
00:16:36,560 --> 00:16:40,320
Well, like swimming with dolphins.
That'd be cool, wouldn't it?
284
00:16:40,400 --> 00:16:42,600
-Or jump out of a plane.
-That could be arranged.
285
00:16:42,680 --> 00:16:44,360
I think he means with a parachute.
286
00:16:44,440 --> 00:16:46,520
[Chesney] We're talking dreams, aren't we?
287
00:16:46,600 --> 00:16:49,040
Things you'd like to do
if other things weren't in our way.
288
00:16:49,120 --> 00:16:53,080
Exactly. Like getting a bit
of back-door action off Mimi.
289
00:16:53,160 --> 00:16:55,640
-Same again, lads?
-Yes, mate.
290
00:16:55,720 --> 00:16:58,520
Can I just have-- Ugh! Ah!
291
00:17:00,560 --> 00:17:02,520
Shit.
292
00:17:02,600 --> 00:17:05,200
-Me purse is gone.
-You're kidding!
293
00:17:05,280 --> 00:17:06,480
My purse is gone.
294
00:17:07,839 --> 00:17:10,720
-[bell rings]
-Is there a tea-leaf in here?
295
00:17:10,800 --> 00:17:12,720
[all] Yeah!
296
00:17:12,800 --> 00:17:15,960
[Mimi] You know what I mean,
you gang of smartarses.
297
00:17:17,560 --> 00:17:18,520
Fuck.
298
00:17:20,240 --> 00:17:22,000
Good day?
299
00:17:22,079 --> 00:17:24,000
Fucking blinding, as it goes.
300
00:17:24,079 --> 00:17:28,880
Think I've got maybe half a dozen people
that take their pleasure serious.
301
00:17:28,960 --> 00:17:33,840
Yeah, spoke to a few myself.
You know, the young and limber ones.
302
00:17:33,920 --> 00:17:36,240
I have clients I've known ten years.
303
00:17:36,320 --> 00:17:38,440
I wasn't even in high school
ten years ago.
304
00:17:38,520 --> 00:17:40,800
Bet you still gave a good blow job,
though.
305
00:17:58,240 --> 00:18:00,240
You are joking, Jamie?
306
00:18:02,360 --> 00:18:04,360
Drinks are on me next time I'm in.
307
00:18:04,440 --> 00:18:05,880
I owe you an apology.
308
00:18:07,480 --> 00:18:08,720
For not calling.
309
00:18:10,040 --> 00:18:14,120
If your application's successful,
I'll supply the condoms and lube.
310
00:18:14,200 --> 00:18:18,040
Then all you have to do is lie back
and think of Lytham St Anne's.
311
00:18:18,120 --> 00:18:24,080
Look. It was just a fuck,
nothing more and nothing less.
312
00:18:24,160 --> 00:18:25,720
[toilet flushes]
313
00:18:28,120 --> 00:18:29,120
[whispers] It's Dom.
314
00:18:29,200 --> 00:18:30,880
[footsteps]
315
00:18:34,520 --> 00:18:37,920
[door closes]
316
00:18:38,000 --> 00:18:39,320
[shower runs]
317
00:18:47,840 --> 00:18:49,280
[zip]
318
00:19:00,400 --> 00:19:01,440
Oh.
319
00:19:06,040 --> 00:19:08,440
[both moan]
320
00:19:13,000 --> 00:19:14,960
Oh. Ah.
321
00:19:15,040 --> 00:19:16,920
Ah! Oh!
322
00:19:18,160 --> 00:19:21,480
[both panting and moaning]
323
00:20:01,280 --> 00:20:02,560
[sighs]
324
00:20:05,920 --> 00:20:09,120
I'm not bothered about a job just yet.
I want to enjoy myself for a bit.
325
00:20:11,440 --> 00:20:12,560
What's that?
326
00:20:13,880 --> 00:20:15,960
Oh, please don't, Karen.
327
00:20:16,040 --> 00:20:18,720
[Karen] Where did you get the photo?
It's ancient.
328
00:20:19,960 --> 00:20:23,040
Lip gave it me. Years back.
329
00:20:23,120 --> 00:20:26,440
Who for? Me or Wendy?
330
00:20:26,520 --> 00:20:29,680
Both. Look, I was 12.
331
00:20:29,760 --> 00:20:31,200
[Karen] God, I was young.
332
00:20:32,320 --> 00:20:33,640
Can I borrow this?
333
00:20:35,400 --> 00:20:38,080
Me and Carl used to say
we'd ask the both of you out.
334
00:20:38,160 --> 00:20:40,920
-Cinema, pizza.
-Hey, Wendy'd still be up for that.
335
00:20:41,000 --> 00:20:42,720
-I'll give her a bell.
-No.
336
00:20:45,320 --> 00:20:50,080
Fuck it. Yeah, yeah. Call her.
That'd be brilliant.
337
00:20:50,160 --> 00:20:52,320
What have you stuck this in with, Ches?
338
00:21:00,880 --> 00:21:02,760
What are you doing
having a shower at this time?
339
00:21:02,840 --> 00:21:04,600
Spilt a load of ale
over myself in the cellar.
340
00:21:04,680 --> 00:21:06,880
-I'll put your clothes in the wash.
-I've done it.
341
00:21:08,040 --> 00:21:10,440
Getting very domesticated in your old age.
342
00:21:10,520 --> 00:21:11,920
Yeah, well, I'm in my prime, me.
343
00:21:13,920 --> 00:21:16,680
Thinking about getting my hair cut.
What do you reckon?
344
00:21:17,760 --> 00:21:19,000
Do you approve?
345
00:21:20,360 --> 00:21:22,080
Yeah, blonde's good.
346
00:21:22,160 --> 00:21:23,640
Hm.
347
00:21:27,160 --> 00:21:28,120
Mm.
348
00:21:31,040 --> 00:21:32,640
I'll take that as a yes.
349
00:21:44,400 --> 00:21:45,400
-Hey!
-Hey!
350
00:21:45,480 --> 00:21:47,680
-Nice, Ches.
-What's that?
351
00:21:47,760 --> 00:21:50,200
I'm sensing there's a woman involved.
352
00:21:50,280 --> 00:21:51,440
Not just a woman.
353
00:21:51,520 --> 00:21:54,800
-Woman of his dreams.
-Yeah, wet dreams!
354
00:21:54,880 --> 00:21:57,920
-A girl I had a crush on, years back.
-Been carrying a bit of a torch for her.
355
00:21:58,000 --> 00:22:01,880
Well, she's agreed to accompany me
on a date. Wine, dine...
356
00:22:01,960 --> 00:22:03,160
Sixty nine.
357
00:22:04,520 --> 00:22:06,840
Nah, I want to do this properly.
Nice meal...
358
00:22:06,920 --> 00:22:08,920
Candlelight, bit of a chat.
359
00:22:09,000 --> 00:22:10,520
Exactly.
360
00:22:10,600 --> 00:22:13,320
Last time we seen each other,
we were kids.
361
00:22:13,400 --> 00:22:14,840
Now you're all grown up.
362
00:22:14,920 --> 00:22:16,800
Quick one before she turns up, Ches?
363
00:22:20,520 --> 00:22:24,320
You know... bit of fluff there.
364
00:22:24,400 --> 00:22:25,560
Cheers, mate.
365
00:22:26,600 --> 00:22:30,240
So, I hope she's worth all this effort.
366
00:22:30,320 --> 00:22:35,000
Yeah, man, she's lovely.
I just can't believe she said yes.
367
00:22:35,080 --> 00:22:36,840
That why you're so nervous, eh?
368
00:22:36,920 --> 00:22:40,200
Yeah, it's a big deal.
Just want to get it right.
369
00:22:40,280 --> 00:22:41,600
Course you do.
370
00:22:42,680 --> 00:22:46,160
Cos I've waited years for this.
All my fucking life.
371
00:22:49,120 --> 00:22:50,440
[Dominic] Aye-aye.
372
00:22:54,320 --> 00:22:55,880
[exhales forcefully]
373
00:23:09,240 --> 00:23:11,440
Father Craig said
they were waiting in here.
374
00:23:18,120 --> 00:23:20,240
Bloody hell.
375
00:23:20,320 --> 00:23:22,360
[chatter]
376
00:23:22,440 --> 00:23:24,880
I knew jobs were thin on the ground,
but this is ridiculous.
377
00:23:24,960 --> 00:23:27,040
You sure everyone's in the right room?
378
00:23:27,120 --> 00:23:29,880
Can I just ask,
is everyone here to see Lillian Tyler?
379
00:23:29,960 --> 00:23:33,000
Is that for the auditions for the whoring?
380
00:23:33,080 --> 00:23:35,240
Don't knock it if you haven't tried it.
381
00:23:35,320 --> 00:23:36,800
Big market for GILFs.
382
00:23:36,880 --> 00:23:38,640
[Lillian] You'll be old one day.
383
00:23:38,720 --> 00:23:40,440
Right, let's get down to business.
384
00:23:40,520 --> 00:23:41,640
[baby crying]
385
00:23:41,720 --> 00:23:45,040
Right, can everyone under 25
go to the right, please?
386
00:23:45,120 --> 00:23:47,600
[Kelly] Everybody over 25 to your left.
387
00:23:47,680 --> 00:23:50,840
Bus passes, Zimmers
and arthritics to the back.
388
00:23:53,920 --> 00:23:55,160
[coughs]
389
00:24:03,640 --> 00:24:04,640
Hi, mate.
390
00:24:07,360 --> 00:24:10,760
-I don't know what's going on here, but--
-Nothing's going on.
391
00:24:10,840 --> 00:24:13,320
We can't do this. It was a mistake.
392
00:24:13,400 --> 00:24:16,920
-That happened twice.
-[whispering] That won't happen again.
393
00:24:18,800 --> 00:24:21,240
Do you know what, Gloria?
I'm not that fucking desperate.
394
00:24:23,320 --> 00:24:26,080
[Billy] Not even a ham shank
on the way home?
395
00:24:26,160 --> 00:24:29,880
Wasn't about that.
This was about romance. Right, Ches?
396
00:24:29,960 --> 00:24:31,080
[romantic music]
397
00:24:35,280 --> 00:24:40,240
You know how to do things properly, Ches.
You've grown up into a lovely little gent.
398
00:24:40,320 --> 00:24:41,840
It was about getting to know each other.
399
00:24:41,920 --> 00:24:46,000
Seeing if you've got more in common than
just a physical attraction. Small talk.
400
00:24:46,080 --> 00:24:50,240
That one should never have been
allowed within ten feet of a school.
401
00:24:50,320 --> 00:24:53,520
He were a fuckin' lech. Knicker sniffer.
402
00:24:56,480 --> 00:25:01,080
So, you forked out for a three-course
meal, wine and a cab?
403
00:25:01,160 --> 00:25:04,040
If I'd laid that amount of cash out,
I'd be wanting something in return.
404
00:25:04,120 --> 00:25:07,120
Wasn't really that kind of night.
405
00:25:07,200 --> 00:25:10,360
You're the fittest guy
I've been with all month.
406
00:25:10,440 --> 00:25:11,960
Month?
407
00:25:12,040 --> 00:25:14,520
-We need to get you home.
-No.
408
00:25:14,600 --> 00:25:18,120
My dad's in. We can't.
It's okay, here'll do.
409
00:25:20,560 --> 00:25:21,880
[zip]
410
00:25:26,160 --> 00:25:29,160
Must have been a dodgy prawn.
411
00:25:30,600 --> 00:25:33,880
Know what? I dreamt of being
with that girl so many times.
412
00:25:33,960 --> 00:25:37,240
That it could never live up
to your expectations.
413
00:25:37,320 --> 00:25:38,600
Happens to us all.
414
00:25:39,920 --> 00:25:41,280
Bad timing.
415
00:25:41,360 --> 00:25:45,160
Thought I'd find you here
with your drinking cronies.
416
00:25:45,240 --> 00:25:48,440
You left that in the shop.
It looked important.
417
00:25:55,040 --> 00:25:56,720
I'm done with this.
418
00:25:58,720 --> 00:26:01,760
-Same again, chaps?
-Yeah.
419
00:26:06,760 --> 00:26:09,280
[whistles]
420
00:26:27,160 --> 00:26:28,640
Fuck me!
421
00:26:28,720 --> 00:26:32,440
[distorted voice] I won't fuck you,
if it's all the same.
422
00:26:32,520 --> 00:26:34,760
I haven't got a question.
423
00:26:34,840 --> 00:26:39,920
No, but I have.
What kind of man are you going to be?
424
00:26:40,000 --> 00:26:43,680
One who squeaks or one who roars?
425
00:26:50,080 --> 00:26:51,320
Hiya.
426
00:26:56,240 --> 00:26:58,320
[vacuum cleaner hums]
427
00:27:10,520 --> 00:27:13,000
Well, it was certainly entertaining.
428
00:27:13,080 --> 00:27:15,600
[Lillian] Can you tell me
a bit about yourself, sweetheart?
429
00:27:15,680 --> 00:27:18,600
Well, I'm a community policeman
during the day.
430
00:27:18,680 --> 00:27:21,320
Trying to earn a few extra bob
at night, really.
431
00:27:21,400 --> 00:27:25,480
It'd be great for the locals, but would it
appeal to the international market?
432
00:27:25,560 --> 00:27:28,000
Have you got anything else
that you can show us?
433
00:27:41,840 --> 00:27:43,040
Looks nice, Karen.
434
00:27:44,560 --> 00:27:47,240
-Don't you think, Jamie?
-Yeah, lovely.
435
00:27:47,320 --> 00:27:48,840
You haven't even looked.
436
00:27:53,320 --> 00:27:55,960
Why didn't you tell her
she looked lovely, soft lad?
437
00:27:56,040 --> 00:27:56,880
Cos I'd be lying.
438
00:27:56,960 --> 00:28:00,000
Well, if you can't lie to your wife,
who can you lie to?
439
00:28:00,080 --> 00:28:06,040
Flowers. One fuck-off bunch of roses
and a big, fat apology. Heartless bastard.
440
00:28:13,720 --> 00:28:17,520
The living accommodation will give you
a good return on your investment.
441
00:28:17,600 --> 00:28:20,520
And there's masses of potential
for the shop.
442
00:28:20,600 --> 00:28:25,480
I'm thinking wall-to-wall sunbeds,
maybe a spray-tan machine.
443
00:28:25,560 --> 00:28:29,200
Plenty round here in need of a tan
and not just the fellas.
444
00:28:35,080 --> 00:28:36,280
Not a clue.
445
00:28:37,840 --> 00:28:38,960
Unlike you.
446
00:28:40,560 --> 00:28:44,200
You know, people just need a little shop
selling basics. Stuff you've run out of.
447
00:28:44,280 --> 00:28:45,520
Essentials.
448
00:28:45,600 --> 00:28:47,520
And who needs more than that?
449
00:28:47,600 --> 00:28:49,600
Life's too short.
450
00:28:49,680 --> 00:28:51,920
Hm. Exactly.
451
00:28:54,280 --> 00:28:56,600
-I look like I've been hang-gliding.
-[Gloria sighs]
452
00:28:56,680 --> 00:28:59,680
Seriously, Karen,
you need to go back to the salon.
453
00:28:59,760 --> 00:29:02,520
Especially what they charged you.
They should put it right.
454
00:29:02,600 --> 00:29:06,520
Well, I didn't pay 'em. I refused to.
Tried to force me.
455
00:29:06,600 --> 00:29:10,640
Said my fella would torch the place
if they gave me any more hassle.
456
00:29:10,720 --> 00:29:12,880
-Is that what he said?
-He's not bothered.
457
00:29:12,960 --> 00:29:15,520
Mardy-arsed bastard's got his Calvins
in a twist for some reason.
458
00:29:15,600 --> 00:29:17,720
-[knocking]
-[Dominic] I'll get it!
459
00:29:19,280 --> 00:29:22,200
Oh, God, I don't want him
to see me like this.
460
00:29:22,280 --> 00:29:24,880
I don't want anybody to see me like this.
461
00:29:24,960 --> 00:29:29,040
Please, G, can't you get me back
to some sort of normality?
462
00:29:30,560 --> 00:29:31,480
Thank you.
463
00:29:31,560 --> 00:29:34,280
Gloria. These are for you.
464
00:29:36,000 --> 00:29:39,400
New fella? Never said.
465
00:29:39,480 --> 00:29:41,200
Nothing special.
466
00:29:41,280 --> 00:29:43,440
[Dominic] You've obviously
made an impression.
467
00:29:44,880 --> 00:29:46,400
Cheers.
468
00:29:47,760 --> 00:29:51,160
Him upstairs has given you a second
chance, and what are you doing with it?
469
00:29:51,240 --> 00:29:53,960
Propping up the bar with someone
old enough to be your dad.
470
00:29:54,040 --> 00:29:56,600
-Oh, thanks, Mimi.
-I'm not knocking it.
471
00:29:56,680 --> 00:30:00,320
If you're going to go, go happy,
that's what I'm saying.
472
00:30:00,400 --> 00:30:02,400
I am going to do something, Mimi.
473
00:30:02,480 --> 00:30:06,000
The plans I've heard from fellas
sat where you are, Ches,
474
00:30:06,080 --> 00:30:08,000
going to conquer the world.
475
00:30:08,080 --> 00:30:11,760
Not one of them even got
as far as the end of the M62.
476
00:30:13,000 --> 00:30:14,160
Who's paying?
477
00:30:14,240 --> 00:30:17,080
Here, I'll get this.
478
00:30:18,880 --> 00:30:20,080
-There we go.
-Ta.
479
00:30:21,160 --> 00:30:23,520
I need to... I need to go.
480
00:30:23,600 --> 00:30:25,120
I've got to do something.
481
00:30:29,360 --> 00:30:31,760
[Mimi] Stunning. Absolutely stunning.
482
00:30:31,840 --> 00:30:34,680
-Give us a twirl!
-Looks good.
483
00:30:34,760 --> 00:30:36,880
-[Dominic] Beautiful.
-Yeah, thanks to Gloria.
484
00:30:36,960 --> 00:30:39,400
Now, that's what I call an apology.
485
00:30:39,480 --> 00:30:41,640
They're off G, some shag she's had.
486
00:30:41,720 --> 00:30:45,280
Banged him twice, and it's all red roses
and: "When can I see you again?"
487
00:30:45,360 --> 00:30:47,560
Oh, how pathetic are some fellas?
488
00:30:50,880 --> 00:30:54,040
I'll contact the family solicitors
and get the contracts drawn up.
489
00:30:54,120 --> 00:30:58,000
Forget your tanning shop idea. Won't work.
Look, no-one's got the cash for sunbeds.
490
00:30:58,080 --> 00:31:00,160
Only reason he's telling you otherwise
491
00:31:00,240 --> 00:31:02,600
is to get shot of this place
and back to Bradford.
492
00:31:02,680 --> 00:31:04,160
-[phone rings]
-What's it to you?
493
00:31:05,760 --> 00:31:10,200
You're getting this all wrong, Ches.
It's not about us and you.
494
00:31:10,280 --> 00:31:12,280
That's how it's coming over, Toof.
495
00:31:12,360 --> 00:31:14,920
I want you to come home with me.
496
00:31:15,000 --> 00:31:16,480
I need you to see something.
497
00:31:22,880 --> 00:31:26,640
First place we had, flat over a chippy.
498
00:31:26,720 --> 00:31:29,480
Stunk of fish and grease.
499
00:31:29,560 --> 00:31:31,080
Do you know what I mean?
500
00:31:32,160 --> 00:31:35,720
Then one day,
Grandad picks us up from the shop,
501
00:31:35,800 --> 00:31:38,720
brings us here, hands us the keys.
502
00:31:38,800 --> 00:31:43,520
He were that pleased with the graft
we'd put in, rewarded us with this.
503
00:31:45,800 --> 00:31:48,520
I know he can be a pain in the arse.
504
00:31:48,600 --> 00:31:50,560
Work him to your advantage, Ches.
505
00:31:50,640 --> 00:31:52,840
I dream of somewhere like this.
506
00:31:52,920 --> 00:31:54,560
Could be yours.
507
00:31:57,280 --> 00:32:00,000
That's the point, really, Toof.
508
00:32:00,080 --> 00:32:01,360
It couldn't.
509
00:32:01,440 --> 00:32:03,440
Just like it'll never be yours.
510
00:32:03,520 --> 00:32:05,800
Step out of line, you'll be back
in that flat over the chippy
511
00:32:05,880 --> 00:32:07,080
-in no time.
-No.
512
00:32:07,160 --> 00:32:09,680
I saw how he used to treat Dad
when he wasn't doing as he was told.
513
00:32:09,760 --> 00:32:12,000
There's always going to be a boss,
514
00:32:12,080 --> 00:32:14,720
always someone telling you what to do
and how to do it.
515
00:32:14,800 --> 00:32:17,920
Not for me there isn't.
I'm going to buy the shop.
516
00:32:19,080 --> 00:32:21,560
You can't do it on your own.
517
00:32:21,640 --> 00:32:22,640
No?
518
00:32:25,560 --> 00:32:26,960
Well, I'll die trying.
519
00:32:54,880 --> 00:32:56,400
Go on, fuck off.
520
00:32:59,680 --> 00:33:01,320
[keypad beeping]
521
00:33:07,920 --> 00:33:10,360
[voicemail] Please leave
your message after the tone.
522
00:33:10,440 --> 00:33:12,760
It's me. I need to see you.
523
00:33:13,880 --> 00:33:16,760
[sighs]
I'm sorry. I didn't mean to offend.
524
00:33:16,840 --> 00:33:21,480
This sort of thing, it's not my usual bag.
It's confusing.
525
00:33:22,800 --> 00:33:26,280
[sighs]
Just call me. Please.
526
00:33:30,160 --> 00:33:31,920
What the fuck are you looking at?
527
00:33:32,000 --> 00:33:33,960
Oh! Oh!
528
00:33:40,200 --> 00:33:42,200
[cheering and applause]
529
00:33:44,200 --> 00:33:46,000
[cat mews]
530
00:33:51,440 --> 00:33:54,120
Well, I'll tell you something odd,
and this is going to sound weird,
531
00:33:54,200 --> 00:33:55,600
but I had this dream last night,
532
00:33:55,680 --> 00:33:58,720
and you came in here
and you played out this dream.
533
00:33:58,800 --> 00:34:01,280
It's unbelievable.
It's totally unbelievable.
534
00:34:01,360 --> 00:34:04,560
-Fuck.
-[man] We want to live that dream.
535
00:34:04,640 --> 00:34:07,560
We're doing this for us family.
We want to give them a better life,
536
00:34:07,640 --> 00:34:10,920
a decent home, a future.
537
00:34:11,000 --> 00:34:14,679
We've got four kids. We're saving
for college fees for the brightest.
538
00:34:14,760 --> 00:34:17,239
It's a specialty act, and a good one.
539
00:34:17,320 --> 00:34:19,239
I see a bright future for you two.
540
00:34:19,320 --> 00:34:22,920
Fuck. Where's the art? Eh?
541
00:34:23,000 --> 00:34:24,760
Where's the originality?
542
00:34:24,840 --> 00:34:28,199
Says she who thinks "legs akimbo"
is in the Kama Sutra.
543
00:34:28,280 --> 00:34:29,760
This is my game, kid.
544
00:34:29,840 --> 00:34:34,040
You might have had a few knee tremblers
along the way, but I am an artiste.
545
00:34:34,120 --> 00:34:36,760
No, you are stuck in your ways,
because you've been at it for too long.
546
00:34:36,840 --> 00:34:39,440
And you've not been at it long enough.
547
00:34:39,520 --> 00:34:42,440
You know what?
You're past your sell-by date, love.
548
00:34:42,520 --> 00:34:44,639
-[Kelly gasps]
-[audience] Oh...
549
00:34:49,040 --> 00:34:52,560
Suits you. You look lovely.
550
00:34:54,800 --> 00:34:56,199
I'm sorry.
551
00:34:56,280 --> 00:34:58,120
Are you going to tell me what's up?
552
00:34:59,240 --> 00:35:00,560
I'm just bored.
553
00:35:01,760 --> 00:35:03,520
Of me? Us?
554
00:35:05,160 --> 00:35:06,360
Of this place.
555
00:35:08,280 --> 00:35:12,720
I wake up here,
I work here, eat here, sleep here.
556
00:35:14,160 --> 00:35:15,880
I'll live and fucking die here.
557
00:35:15,960 --> 00:35:19,800
The same four walls'd
drive anyone round the bend.
558
00:35:22,360 --> 00:35:26,560
You are more important than any of this.
559
00:35:30,480 --> 00:35:32,920
Now, let's get a smile back on that face.
560
00:35:37,720 --> 00:35:39,120
I love you.
561
00:35:52,920 --> 00:35:55,720
[Lillian] I managed
to convince her to come back.
562
00:35:55,800 --> 00:35:58,040
I miss the funny accent, if I'm honest.
563
00:35:58,120 --> 00:36:01,920
-Fucking skin her!
-Can we not aim for a bit of decorum?
564
00:36:02,000 --> 00:36:06,680
Look, we've people's futures in our hands.
Hopes, dreams, ambitions.
565
00:36:09,120 --> 00:36:10,800
Decision time.
566
00:36:10,880 --> 00:36:12,640
Well, I think we can lose
"woman with the cock".
567
00:36:12,720 --> 00:36:15,360
-It's a man with tits.
-It's just confusing.
568
00:36:16,800 --> 00:36:18,760
RSCPA'II kick off.
569
00:36:18,840 --> 00:36:20,560
Vacuum man were interesting.
570
00:36:20,640 --> 00:36:22,880
Perfect, if you want a good ramming.
571
00:36:22,960 --> 00:36:25,280
A looker, but a bit obvious.
572
00:36:25,360 --> 00:36:28,160
Yeah, when you pay good money,
"obvious" is what you want.
573
00:36:30,960 --> 00:36:32,040
Our final four.
574
00:36:32,120 --> 00:36:33,920
The librarian from Burnley?
575
00:36:34,000 --> 00:36:35,520
This wasn't on our vote, Lillian.
576
00:36:35,600 --> 00:36:39,440
Who told you this were a democracy?
I want him and all.
577
00:36:39,520 --> 00:36:43,120
-Why?
-Reminds me of little Bobby Davro.
578
00:36:43,200 --> 00:36:45,160
Bobby only has to smile to get me wet.
579
00:36:54,040 --> 00:36:57,960
You must have savings or money
put aside for you by the family?
580
00:36:58,040 --> 00:37:01,160
Nope, every penny I've got
went on buying the fittings back.
581
00:37:01,240 --> 00:37:03,360
My fittings, my shop.
582
00:37:04,560 --> 00:37:07,840
All that matters is, I'm going to do it.
583
00:37:07,920 --> 00:37:11,520
Well, determination for its own sake
can be very admirable, but...
584
00:37:11,600 --> 00:37:17,040
Like that Japanese guy who kept fighting
World War II in, like, 1976 or summat.
585
00:37:19,040 --> 00:37:23,480
What? It finished in... ages before that.
586
00:37:23,560 --> 00:37:25,240
[phone beeping]
587
00:37:29,160 --> 00:37:32,040
It's my cousin. Wants to know the plan.
588
00:37:32,120 --> 00:37:33,520
What is the plan?
589
00:37:34,600 --> 00:37:37,280
That failure is not an option.
590
00:37:37,360 --> 00:37:38,640
I could have a word, you know?
591
00:37:38,720 --> 00:37:41,720
No, I mean, I could have a word
with the family, about money.
592
00:37:41,800 --> 00:37:43,800
Your cousin could come if he's worried.
593
00:37:47,520 --> 00:37:49,360
You never gave a toss
about the shop in the past,
594
00:37:49,440 --> 00:37:52,280
so why would we believe that you do now?
595
00:37:52,360 --> 00:37:54,560
Things are different now.
596
00:37:54,640 --> 00:37:56,480
I'm different.
597
00:37:56,560 --> 00:38:00,560
What I need and what I don't,
all different.
598
00:38:00,640 --> 00:38:02,320
We've got a pub to run.
599
00:38:02,400 --> 00:38:04,880
I could get that place back in profit
in three months.
600
00:38:04,960 --> 00:38:06,160
How?
601
00:38:06,240 --> 00:38:10,920
I'll stay open day and night,
work my fingers to the bone.
602
00:38:11,000 --> 00:38:13,040
I won't take a wage till we're in profit.
603
00:38:13,120 --> 00:38:17,040
You'd have access to the books 24/7,
and if he fucks up...
604
00:38:17,120 --> 00:38:20,360
I won't... fuck up.
605
00:38:20,440 --> 00:38:22,680
All right. One condition.
606
00:38:23,960 --> 00:38:27,120
You call it Paddy's Market after my dad.
607
00:38:28,240 --> 00:38:31,360
No. It's my shop.
608
00:38:31,440 --> 00:38:35,400
I'm in there in the bricks and the mortar,
and you're not, and neither is your dad.
609
00:38:35,480 --> 00:38:37,640
Come on. What's in a name?
610
00:38:37,720 --> 00:38:41,720
You're a Maguire.
Would you let anyone take that away?
611
00:38:56,200 --> 00:38:57,720
[phone beeps]
612
00:39:12,200 --> 00:39:14,440
[beatboxes]
613
00:39:16,400 --> 00:39:20,080
-What the fuck are you doing?
-My own little routine, mate.
614
00:39:20,160 --> 00:39:22,160
Oh, shit, yeah. How did it go?
615
00:39:24,480 --> 00:39:25,720
I don't need 'em.
616
00:39:25,800 --> 00:39:27,840
Yeah, you're right, mate.
Do it all on your own.
617
00:39:27,920 --> 00:39:32,200
Mortgage, gas, leccy,
council tax, VAT, no credit.
618
00:39:32,280 --> 00:39:35,160
All that shit'd get a lesser man down,
mate, but not you.
619
00:39:35,240 --> 00:39:37,520
You're a fucking superhero.
620
00:39:37,600 --> 00:39:39,640
Do Asian people have superheroes
621
00:39:39,720 --> 00:39:42,160
or is it just gods
with loads of arms and stuff?
622
00:39:42,240 --> 00:39:45,280
That's Hindu. I'm Muslim. Duh!
623
00:39:45,360 --> 00:39:49,680
Fuck off! Hindus are only
in fucking comics and that.
624
00:39:49,760 --> 00:39:51,200
I've got work, mate.
625
00:39:51,280 --> 00:39:53,040
[Billy continues beatboxing]
626
00:39:55,160 --> 00:39:58,520
I've never seen one with a bend like that.
Is it 90 degrees?
627
00:39:58,600 --> 00:40:01,040
It varies. Acute and obtuse.
628
00:40:01,120 --> 00:40:04,720
Can fuck round corners.
That's got to be an advantage.
629
00:40:04,800 --> 00:40:08,240
Kelly's right.
No substitute for experience.
630
00:40:08,320 --> 00:40:09,800
Ruby has got a point, though.
631
00:40:09,880 --> 00:40:13,160
Gudrun has got all the enthusiasm
of a beginner.
632
00:40:13,240 --> 00:40:14,680
Amongst other advantages.
633
00:40:14,760 --> 00:40:16,400
-Hindenburg.
-Bless you.
634
00:40:16,480 --> 00:40:18,560
She does make me laugh, that Ruby.
635
00:40:18,640 --> 00:40:21,640
I can't understand a word she says,
but I just smile and nod.
636
00:40:21,720 --> 00:40:24,000
I thought at least one of them
would be here for induction.
637
00:40:24,080 --> 00:40:25,960
I've sent 'em out.
638
00:40:26,040 --> 00:40:27,880
Medical's my bag.
639
00:40:27,960 --> 00:40:30,520
Speaking of which, would you bend over?
640
00:40:34,040 --> 00:40:35,440
[squelch]
641
00:40:40,600 --> 00:40:42,720
I have to admit...
642
00:40:42,800 --> 00:40:47,080
some of your young and virile team
were... fucking knockout.
643
00:40:49,160 --> 00:40:53,960
I can see why punters keep returning
to some of your more experienced heads.
644
00:40:56,840 --> 00:41:00,840
Doesn't poverty make people do kinky shit?
645
00:41:11,840 --> 00:41:13,920
There's been an offer made on the shop.
646
00:41:14,000 --> 00:41:15,000
Shit.
647
00:41:16,960 --> 00:41:17,880
[sighs]
648
00:41:17,960 --> 00:41:21,200
A bit of luck, I could have
made something of this place.
649
00:41:22,480 --> 00:41:25,000
-I'm sorry.
-Nah.
650
00:41:25,080 --> 00:41:26,560
I'll grab my stuff.
651
00:41:26,640 --> 00:41:29,240
I turned the offer down.
652
00:41:29,320 --> 00:41:30,680
[gasps]
653
00:41:32,200 --> 00:41:35,280
We'll have the deeds
transferred first thing tomorrow.
654
00:41:35,360 --> 00:41:37,040
Grandad'll fuckin' kill you.
655
00:41:37,120 --> 00:41:38,560
Don't let me down, Ches.
656
00:41:40,760 --> 00:41:43,560
I will not let you down.
No way will I let you down.
657
00:41:43,640 --> 00:41:46,000
Thank you so fucking much.
658
00:41:46,080 --> 00:41:48,320
Hey! Love-in?
659
00:41:48,400 --> 00:41:49,760
I'm sorry to interrupt.
660
00:41:49,840 --> 00:41:52,080
So you're going to try
and make a go of this place?
661
00:41:53,240 --> 00:41:55,360
-Yeah.
-Well, in that case,
662
00:41:55,440 --> 00:41:56,560
you're going to need these.
663
00:41:56,640 --> 00:41:59,520
-For?
-Them.
664
00:41:59,600 --> 00:42:02,400
-[Karen] We've gone with magnolia.
-You're all right with magnolia?
665
00:42:02,480 --> 00:42:03,880
They only had magnolia.
666
00:42:03,960 --> 00:42:06,360
I like magnolia. I love magnolia.
667
00:42:06,440 --> 00:42:08,560
Could do with a few more rollers
and brushes.
668
00:42:08,640 --> 00:42:10,920
Jamie, go on. Some in our loft.
669
00:42:11,000 --> 00:42:12,240
I'll give you a hand.
670
00:42:18,640 --> 00:42:21,040
[Mimi] No need to stand on ceremony.
671
00:42:21,120 --> 00:42:24,720
I've checked on the internet,
and this is all kosher.
672
00:42:24,800 --> 00:42:28,160
-That's Jewish, Mimi.
-Lamb's Jewish?
673
00:42:28,240 --> 00:42:29,520
Kosher's Jewish.
674
00:42:29,600 --> 00:42:31,880
-[Mimi] Then what's lamb?
-New Zealand?
675
00:42:31,960 --> 00:42:33,240
Thought they were Welsh.
676
00:42:34,280 --> 00:42:36,000
Look, can I ask what this is all about?
677
00:42:36,080 --> 00:42:39,240
Never thought I'd hear myself say this,
Ches, but you impressed me here, mate.
678
00:42:39,320 --> 00:42:42,160
You showed commitment. Can't buy that.
679
00:42:42,240 --> 00:42:45,120
Fuck knows we've tried. Turnip?
680
00:42:45,200 --> 00:42:48,280
[Jamie] We want to help you
get back on your feet, mate.
681
00:42:48,360 --> 00:42:50,640
-Go on.
-Mam?
682
00:42:52,480 --> 00:42:54,560
We sell dope from your place,
683
00:42:54,640 --> 00:42:58,320
maybe a bit of coke,
and the money goes through the till.
684
00:42:58,400 --> 00:42:59,240
Laundering?
685
00:42:59,320 --> 00:43:03,480
We stay silent partners.
Take ten percent of your profits.
686
00:43:03,560 --> 00:43:07,040
And discount at the till. A little one.
687
00:43:07,120 --> 00:43:08,640
What's the catch?
688
00:43:08,720 --> 00:43:10,440
There isn't one.
689
00:43:10,520 --> 00:43:12,400
You've got no family around here, Ches.
690
00:43:12,480 --> 00:43:14,880
So, from now on, you're one of us.
691
00:43:16,000 --> 00:43:17,160
An honorary Maguire.
692
00:43:18,360 --> 00:43:21,280
And that offer's not extended to many.
693
00:43:21,360 --> 00:43:23,200
So, are you in?
694
00:43:24,240 --> 00:43:26,960
Too fucking right.
695
00:43:27,040 --> 00:43:29,040
Welcome to the clan.
696
00:43:29,120 --> 00:43:30,840
-[Karen] Cheers.
-[Mimi] Cheers.
697
00:43:46,480 --> 00:43:49,280
[distorted voice] I suppose
you're pleased with yourself?
698
00:43:51,720 --> 00:43:52,720
Yeah.
699
00:43:52,800 --> 00:43:55,400
I always knew you had it in you.
700
00:43:55,480 --> 00:43:59,880
No, you didn't. But I did.
701
00:43:59,960 --> 00:44:03,520
That makes no sense.
I'm a figment of your imagination.
702
00:44:03,600 --> 00:44:06,400
I'm after a better quality
of hallucination.
703
00:44:08,480 --> 00:44:10,360
[giggles]
704
00:44:12,880 --> 00:44:14,200
All right?
705
00:44:14,280 --> 00:44:16,520
I'll put a curse on you!
706
00:44:19,280 --> 00:44:20,640
[giggles]
707
00:44:23,600 --> 00:44:25,560
[calm version of "Hey Ya!" playing]
708
00:44:26,840 --> 00:44:28,320
[Chesney] On reflection,
709
00:44:28,400 --> 00:44:30,880
I don't believe there is a light
at the end of the tunnel.
710
00:44:30,960 --> 00:44:32,760
No voice telling you to go back.
711
00:44:34,200 --> 00:44:36,120
Once your number's up, it's up.
712
00:44:36,200 --> 00:44:37,560
[knocking]
713
00:44:43,400 --> 00:44:45,360
So, take a good look around.
714
00:44:46,840 --> 00:44:49,480
Like what you see? Great, enjoy.
715
00:44:51,200 --> 00:44:54,800
But if you don't, move on and move on now.
716
00:44:56,240 --> 00:44:58,640
-No use settling for second best.
-[music stops playing]
717
00:44:58,720 --> 00:45:00,280
This ain't no rehearsal.
718
00:45:00,360 --> 00:45:02,320
[instrumental music]
719
00:45:02,400 --> 00:45:03,960
This is the real deal.
720
00:45:19,280 --> 00:45:21,680
-Where are you off to?
-The less I tell you, the better.
721
00:45:21,760 --> 00:45:24,040
It's a big job. I want you
to know these things, that's all.
722
00:45:24,120 --> 00:45:27,280
All right, strictly 30 minutes.
We only take what we can carry.
723
00:45:27,360 --> 00:45:28,560
No more than 11 rolls a man.
724
00:45:28,640 --> 00:45:31,440
He didn't come home last night.
Maybe he's seeing someone.
725
00:45:31,520 --> 00:45:33,560
-[Letitia] Stop sticking your tits out.
-I'm not.
726
00:45:33,640 --> 00:45:36,480
-Manchester's next gift to the world.
-[Billy] I've got a semi here, me.
727
00:45:36,560 --> 00:45:38,320
-Is that a penis?
-Somebody's doctored it.
728
00:45:38,400 --> 00:45:42,640
They're all missing. All of them. So if
he hasn't told you, then we are fucked.
729
00:45:42,720 --> 00:45:43,720
Oh!
730
00:45:43,800 --> 00:45:45,360
[theme music]
731
00:46:23,800 --> 00:46:25,720
It's my bike. I'm the bloke, clearly.
732
00:46:25,800 --> 00:46:27,760
Winslet in front, DiCaprio behind.
733
00:46:27,840 --> 00:46:28,880
[Shane sighs]
734
00:46:28,960 --> 00:46:31,920
-I'm the bloke.
-Fuck off! I am the bloke.
735
00:46:32,000 --> 00:46:33,600
How the fuck are you the bloke?
736
00:46:33,680 --> 00:46:35,240
[laughter]
737
00:46:35,320 --> 00:46:37,520
-Hold on, Ches!
-Yeah!
738
00:46:37,600 --> 00:46:38,520
[laughter]
739
00:46:38,600 --> 00:46:42,920
-[Chesney] I am the bloke!
-[Shane] Fuck off! I'm the bloke!
57048
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