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1
00:00:49,967 --> 00:00:51,885
(Snoring)
2
00:00:55,305 --> 00:00:57,266
You bastards...
3
00:01:00,352 --> 00:01:02,604
(Alarm bleeps)
4
00:01:04,940 --> 00:01:06,900
(Grunts and groans)
5
00:01:10,153 --> 00:01:11,280
(Alarm stops)
6
00:01:15,951 --> 00:01:17,911
(Alarm rings)
7
00:01:20,581 --> 00:01:23,208
(Teasmaid whistles)
8
00:01:23,542 --> 00:01:26,503
Aaaarrggghh! Aaaarrrgghhh!
9
00:01:26,837 --> 00:01:28,964
(Scream echoes)
10
00:01:32,759 --> 00:01:34,469
Eddie!
11
00:01:37,639 --> 00:01:42,144
Eddie! Another bloody day.
Time to get up.
12
00:01:43,353 --> 00:01:45,188
(Eddie's voice) 'Righty-dokey, skip.'
13
00:02:14,551 --> 00:02:16,303
(Bones creak)
14
00:03:01,848 --> 00:03:04,518
(Tires screech)
15
00:03:50,856 --> 00:03:53,650
Ow! (Squeals)
16
00:03:55,652 --> 00:03:57,154
Oh!
17
00:04:39,821 --> 00:04:41,156
Eddie!
18
00:04:43,158 --> 00:04:44,493
Eddie?!
19
00:04:46,161 --> 00:04:49,539
Come along, Eddie. It's the early
bird that catches worms.
20
00:05:00,634 --> 00:05:02,177
(Eddie) 'Running all the way.'
21
00:05:02,511 --> 00:05:03,678
(Record scratches)
22
00:05:38,046 --> 00:05:39,297
(Whispers) Damn.
23
00:05:39,631 --> 00:05:40,841
(Door opens)
24
00:05:43,969 --> 00:05:45,387
(Woman) Well, really.
25
00:05:45,720 --> 00:05:49,516
Good morning, room four.
This is your personal alarm call.
26
00:05:49,850 --> 00:05:53,979
Yes, I know. I'm just giving you a little
advanced warning, a little time to wake up
27
00:05:54,312 --> 00:05:58,149
before your proper alarm call in...
two and a half hours.
28
00:05:58,483 --> 00:06:01,987
That's right. Exactly
when you booked it. Good morning!
29
00:06:03,238 --> 00:06:07,617
Oh! Mr. Johnson and Ms. Harding.
30
00:06:07,951 --> 00:06:11,204
The common-law couple.
I trust you slept well?
31
00:06:11,538 --> 00:06:13,915
We had rather a rough night, actually.
32
00:06:14,249 --> 00:06:17,252
Oh... well, the perils of adultery.
33
00:06:21,006 --> 00:06:25,552
And you're not too tired to make
your way downstairs for breakfast.
34
00:06:26,720 --> 00:06:28,597
I trust you both washed?
35
00:06:28,930 --> 00:06:30,724
Actually, the water was cold.
36
00:06:31,057 --> 00:06:35,020
That's no reason not to wash.
We are British, you know?
37
00:06:35,353 --> 00:06:39,065
We invented cold showers
to stop people masturbating.
38
00:06:40,525 --> 00:06:46,531
Oh! Oh! Perhaps that's why you're
so upset about the lack of hot water!
39
00:07:13,391 --> 00:07:15,101
(Horn honks)
40
00:07:32,702 --> 00:07:34,663
(Hacking cough)
41
00:08:06,403 --> 00:08:07,570
Nearly home.
42
00:08:29,676 --> 00:08:31,136
(Dings bell)
43
00:08:31,469 --> 00:08:33,430
Ah, there you are, Eddie.
44
00:08:33,763 --> 00:08:39,519
Here are some bills. You handle them.
I don't want to get my dabs on them.
45
00:08:39,853 --> 00:08:41,271
Righty-dokey, skip.
46
00:08:41,604 --> 00:08:44,274
Have you cleaned your teeth
this morning, Edward?
47
00:08:53,658 --> 00:08:57,120
- Could I have a word, please?
- Could you take your hand off me, please?
48
00:08:57,454 --> 00:09:00,123
I haven't got my hand on you.
49
00:09:00,457 --> 00:09:03,334
I've got security cameras,
so it's on film.
50
00:09:03,668 --> 00:09:07,297
- I've got the evidence.
- I merely brushed your arm.
51
00:09:07,630 --> 00:09:10,008
- We've already established that you
are a liar, Mr. Jones.
52
00:09:10,341 --> 00:09:11,134
- Look, Mr. Twat...
53
00:09:11,468 --> 00:09:12,886
It's pronounced "Thwaite".
54
00:09:13,219 --> 00:09:17,348
Well, it's spelled Twat.
T-W-A-T. TWAT!
55
00:09:17,682 --> 00:09:21,728
Could you keep your voice down, please?
We do have normal guests as well.
56
00:09:22,062 --> 00:09:26,191
Now, if you'll allow me
to finish what I was doing
57
00:09:26,524 --> 00:09:28,610
before you so rudely interrupted...
58
00:09:28,943 --> 00:09:30,195
Ahem.
59
00:09:40,371 --> 00:09:43,958
There. Now, what on earth is all
this silly fuss about?
60
00:09:44,292 --> 00:09:48,379
I'm trying to get some breakfast
and there's absolutely no sign of a waiter.
61
00:09:48,713 --> 00:09:51,174
White shirt, black tie,
wandering around with plates of food.
62
00:09:51,508 --> 00:09:53,426
Hard to spot, I know, when no else is
sitting down.
63
00:09:53,760 --> 00:09:55,470
Have you been to a
restaurant before?
64
00:09:55,804 --> 00:09:57,305
Yes, but he's not there.
65
00:09:58,556 --> 00:10:00,266
Pascal!
66
00:10:08,483 --> 00:10:10,401
Pascal!
67
00:10:20,745 --> 00:10:22,038
See what I mean?
68
00:10:23,581 --> 00:10:24,999
Pascal!
69
00:10:29,129 --> 00:10:30,964
Chef, you seen Pascal?
70
00:10:31,297 --> 00:10:32,757
Pascal!
71
00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:35,927
(Board creaks and gas hisses)
72
00:10:36,261 --> 00:10:37,804
Chef, I thought I told you to get
this tap thing fixed.
73
00:10:38,138 --> 00:10:41,224
- It's a fire hazard.
- You fucking bastard!
74
00:10:42,725 --> 00:10:47,522
Very good, Chef, carry on.
Is breakfast well under way?
75
00:10:49,107 --> 00:10:51,651
Look, may we order straightaway?!
76
00:10:51,985 --> 00:10:55,864
Yes, yes, yes!
The waiter will be here directly.
77
00:10:56,197 --> 00:10:57,574
Oh!
78
00:10:58,867 --> 00:11:00,743
Ahh, morning, Mrs. Foxfur.
79
00:11:01,077 --> 00:11:02,620
Morning, Twat.
80
00:11:07,417 --> 00:11:09,460
Eddie! What are you doing?
81
00:11:09,794 --> 00:11:12,547
I'm just... filing the bills.
82
00:11:12,881 --> 00:11:14,883
Oh, good man. You haven't seen Pascal,
have you?
83
00:11:15,216 --> 00:11:16,384
Uh, no.
84
00:11:16,718 --> 00:11:18,928
Right, well he's gone AWOL so you're going
to have to help me out serving breakfast.
85
00:11:19,262 --> 00:11:21,264
You take their orders while I phone the
psychiatric hospital.
86
00:11:21,598 --> 00:11:23,391
He's probably checked
himself back in again.
87
00:11:23,725 --> 00:11:25,727
Righty-dokey, skip. I'm your man.
88
00:11:26,060 --> 00:11:28,146
(TV) '...still searching
for Gina Carbonara,
89
00:11:28,479 --> 00:11:31,733
'the Italian star who disappeared
before her wedding yesterday,
90
00:11:32,066 --> 00:11:34,027
'much to the dismay of her
intended husband,
91
00:11:34,360 --> 00:11:38,364
'the Italian playboy and ex-racing
driver Gino Guiseppe...'
92
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,033
'You English fuckers!'
93
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:43,286
'...who is currently fighting
extradition back to Italy
94
00:11:43,620 --> 00:11:45,371
'to face drug smuggling charges.
95
00:11:45,705 --> 00:11:49,042
'Ms. Carbonara shot to fame
portraying a prostitute
96
00:11:49,375 --> 00:11:54,589
'with a heart of gold in the film
"The Last Butterfly Of Summer".
97
00:11:54,923 --> 00:11:57,759
'The film,
with its controversial sex scenes,
98
00:11:58,092 --> 00:12:03,181
'took $160 million worldwide and
won her an Oscar for Best Actress.'
99
00:12:03,514 --> 00:12:04,682
(pants unzip)
100
00:12:05,016 --> 00:12:07,560
'Her car was discovered
near Beachy Head...'
101
00:12:07,894 --> 00:12:10,230
(Chef) Why you no pay me?!
102
00:12:10,563 --> 00:12:11,689
(Sobs)
103
00:12:12,982 --> 00:12:16,861
It's three months since you bring me
here on horrible smelling fish train.
104
00:12:17,195 --> 00:12:18,905
And still you don't pay me!
105
00:12:19,239 --> 00:12:21,449
And why you sack Pascal
and make me stay?!
106
00:12:21,783 --> 00:12:26,037
Get back in there or I'll tell
Immigration about your visa!
107
00:12:26,371 --> 00:12:27,747
Yes! Vi-sa!
108
00:12:28,081 --> 00:12:34,003
And I didn't sack Pascal. I was about
to phone the hospital to find him.
109
00:12:36,256 --> 00:12:39,801
Remember your condition, darling.
Use your breathing technique.
110
00:12:42,262 --> 00:12:43,554
Wine?
111
00:12:43,888 --> 00:12:45,974
It's a bit early, isn't it?
112
00:12:46,307 --> 00:12:50,728
What about an aperitif, then?
Gin, scotch, poteen?
113
00:12:51,062 --> 00:12:55,233
What? No, thank you. What we'd
really like is some breakfast.
114
00:12:56,567 --> 00:12:57,819
Oh.
115
00:12:58,152 --> 00:13:02,824
If he does show up, give him
some quick electric shock treatment
116
00:13:03,157 --> 00:13:04,742
and send him back!
117
00:13:05,076 --> 00:13:06,536
I eat your bacon!
118
00:13:08,288 --> 00:13:10,039
I eat your trifle!
119
00:13:14,043 --> 00:13:15,628
I drink your sherry!
120
00:13:18,298 --> 00:13:22,468
And what I can't eat...
I put in the waste disposal!
121
00:13:22,802 --> 00:13:27,640
You big, fat bastard make me sad!
122
00:13:27,974 --> 00:13:30,977
(Grinding and smashing)
123
00:13:31,311 --> 00:13:33,479
I can particularly recommend
this one.
124
00:13:33,813 --> 00:13:37,442
- Which one?
- This page with all the wines.
125
00:13:37,775 --> 00:13:39,819
It's a bit early for us.
126
00:13:40,153 --> 00:13:42,196
What are you doing up, then?
127
00:13:42,530 --> 00:13:45,742
Too early for wine, Eddie.
Go and help Chef.
128
00:13:46,075 --> 00:13:50,330
Help Chef? But you know
Chef and I don't get on.
129
00:13:50,663 --> 00:13:54,417
This is an emergency -
I'll do Pascal's job out here,
130
00:13:54,751 --> 00:13:58,087
you do Pascal's job in there, OK?
131
00:13:58,421 --> 00:13:59,589
OK.
132
00:13:59,922 --> 00:14:02,216
Now, what would you like?
133
00:14:02,550 --> 00:14:05,261
(Banging and shouting)
134
00:14:17,398 --> 00:14:19,692
(Banging and crashing stops)
135
00:14:20,026 --> 00:14:23,863
Now, then. What would you like?
136
00:14:29,410 --> 00:14:31,120
Chef's hurt himself.
137
00:14:31,454 --> 00:14:32,830
How badly?
138
00:14:33,164 --> 00:14:38,169
Indescribably badly. He hit his head
on a frying pan 17 times.
139
00:14:39,754 --> 00:14:40,671
(Eddie screams)
140
00:14:41,756 --> 00:14:43,800
- You'll have to be chef.
- But I can't cook.
141
00:14:44,133 --> 00:14:46,094
- Nor could Chef.
- Right.
142
00:14:46,427 --> 00:14:48,513
- Now, then...
- (Banging)
143
00:14:48,846 --> 00:14:51,307
(Sighs) How can I help you?
144
00:14:51,641 --> 00:14:53,643
Can I ask where your eggs come from?
145
00:14:55,311 --> 00:14:57,021
Hen's vaginas.
146
00:14:57,355 --> 00:14:59,148
Ah...
147
00:15:00,733 --> 00:15:03,945
Look, we'd like two
full English breakfasts,
148
00:15:04,278 --> 00:15:06,197
freshly squeezed orange juice,
149
00:15:06,531 --> 00:15:09,242
coffee for one - ground not instant -
150
00:15:09,575 --> 00:15:12,370
tea for one,
lightly toasted wholemeal bread,
151
00:15:12,703 --> 00:15:14,372
and don't overcook the kidneys.
152
00:15:14,705 --> 00:15:17,375
Boiled egg as usual, Mrs. Foxfur?
153
00:15:17,708 --> 00:15:19,252
Oh, yes, please.
154
00:15:19,585 --> 00:15:21,212
Thought so.
155
00:15:21,546 --> 00:15:24,966
Excuse me, I have to deal
with the important guests first.
156
00:15:25,299 --> 00:15:27,385
Oh, for Christ's sake!
157
00:15:31,055 --> 00:15:32,390
Ahem.
158
00:15:32,723 --> 00:15:35,351
Pheeb! One boiled egg.
159
00:15:39,480 --> 00:15:41,232
Pheeb! Hello?
160
00:15:42,567 --> 00:15:44,444
'Pheeb! Hello?'
161
00:15:44,777 --> 00:15:47,363
Yes, hello. One boiled egg.
162
00:15:48,573 --> 00:15:50,616
'Pheeb! Hello?'
163
00:15:50,950 --> 00:15:52,535
Yes, hello!
164
00:15:52,869 --> 00:15:56,122
'Pheeb! Who is it?'
165
00:15:56,456 --> 00:15:58,082
Pheeb! It's Mr. Thwaite.
166
00:15:58,416 --> 00:16:03,713
'Pheeb! He's not here.
Can I take a message?'
167
00:16:05,131 --> 00:16:10,386
Look, it's me! Stop embarrassing me
and just take the order!
168
00:16:10,720 --> 00:16:12,054
(Eddie yelps)
169
00:16:17,101 --> 00:16:18,978
One boiled... Damn!
170
00:16:19,312 --> 00:16:25,193
Pheeb! One boiled... Oh,
forget pheeb. One boiled egg!
171
00:16:25,526 --> 00:16:28,905
Pheeb! Hang on, I'll write it down.
172
00:16:29,238 --> 00:16:32,492
No, no, don't write it down,
just remember it.
173
00:16:32,825 --> 00:16:35,286
OK. How do you spell "egg"?
174
00:16:35,620 --> 00:16:37,455
No! just remember it!
175
00:16:37,788 --> 00:16:44,045
Hang on, I've broken me pencil. I'll
just find another. Oh, sorry. Pheeb!
176
00:16:44,378 --> 00:16:47,423
Eddie! Oh... Pheeb! Eddie!
177
00:16:47,757 --> 00:16:50,510
- Yeah?!
- Look, here's a pencil.
178
00:16:50,843 --> 00:16:52,220
(Squish and blood-curdling scream)
179
00:16:52,553 --> 00:16:55,848
Aaaarrrgh! Aaah! Aaah! Aaah!
180
00:16:57,099 --> 00:17:00,394
Here's the order.
Copy it out and cook it.
181
00:17:00,728 --> 00:17:02,522
But it'll taste all papery.
182
00:17:02,855 --> 00:17:05,900
Just do it or I'll pop these, OK?
183
00:17:07,235 --> 00:17:08,361
OK.
184
00:17:08,694 --> 00:17:10,988
Aaaaaarrrrgh!
185
00:17:11,322 --> 00:17:14,408
Ahh! Ahh! I thought you said "or"!
186
00:17:14,742 --> 00:17:17,578
Freedom of speech.
It's what we fought Hitler for.
187
00:17:17,912 --> 00:17:21,249
Now, let's just get on with it,
shall we?
188
00:17:31,008 --> 00:17:32,552
Won't be long now.
189
00:17:35,846 --> 00:17:38,516
Could you possibly take our order?
190
00:17:38,849 --> 00:17:42,228
Oh, Edward and Mrs. Simpson.
191
00:17:43,479 --> 00:17:45,231
I'd completely forgotten about you two.
192
00:17:45,565 --> 00:17:48,025
You must be ravenous?
193
00:17:48,359 --> 00:17:50,319
Can I take your order?
194
00:17:50,653 --> 00:17:52,613
Umm...
195
00:17:52,947 --> 00:17:57,243
Oh, all right. Why not?
It'll kill some time, won't it?
196
00:17:57,577 --> 00:18:01,038
If you've finally managed
to make up your minds.
197
00:18:04,584 --> 00:18:07,503
(Johnson) We'd like
two full English breakfasts.
198
00:18:07,837 --> 00:18:10,673
- Do you have Lapsang Souchong?
- No.
199
00:18:11,007 --> 00:18:15,177
It's just that I put on my underpants
the wrong way this morning.
200
00:18:16,470 --> 00:18:20,057
- Could I just get a pot of tea?
- Of course!
201
00:18:20,391 --> 00:18:22,476
(Twat) What a wise choice.
202
00:18:23,644 --> 00:18:24,604
Right...
203
00:18:24,937 --> 00:18:29,984
And if I may say so,
that is a smashing blouse.
204
00:18:30,318 --> 00:18:33,988
- Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!
- Aah! Aah! Aah!
205
00:18:39,493 --> 00:18:40,953
My God!
206
00:18:41,287 --> 00:18:43,122
Excuse me a moment.
207
00:18:49,211 --> 00:18:51,380
(Squelching)
208
00:19:09,899 --> 00:19:11,442
- (Squelch)
- Ow...
209
00:19:19,116 --> 00:19:20,910
Heh heh!
210
00:19:23,704 --> 00:19:25,289
No! No!
211
00:19:27,208 --> 00:19:30,461
- (Squelch)
- Ah! You've snapped my pencil!
212
00:19:32,463 --> 00:19:34,840
(Straining)
213
00:19:45,393 --> 00:19:48,646
(Screaming, banging and crashing)
214
00:19:52,191 --> 00:19:54,944
(Eddie) No, no! Not the fridge!
215
00:20:08,082 --> 00:20:10,251
No! Stop!
216
00:20:10,584 --> 00:20:11,752
Eddie!
217
00:20:12,086 --> 00:20:13,546
I'm sorry!
218
00:20:18,300 --> 00:20:19,510
How long for the egg?
219
00:20:19,844 --> 00:20:21,220
Three minutes, please.
220
00:20:21,554 --> 00:20:24,098
Excuse me one moment.
221
00:20:24,432 --> 00:20:25,683
Ahh!
222
00:20:26,684 --> 00:20:31,731
Uhhhh... urrgh!
223
00:20:53,294 --> 00:20:56,046
Aaaaaaarrrrgggh!
224
00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:03,387
- Ah!
- Urgh!
225
00:21:03,721 --> 00:21:06,056
Urgh! Urgh! Urgh!
226
00:21:06,974 --> 00:21:09,643
Ah! Ah! Ah!
227
00:21:13,272 --> 00:21:18,611
Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah! Aaaaarrrgh!
228
00:21:20,863 --> 00:21:23,783
Aaaaaaaaaaarrrrgh!
229
00:21:29,914 --> 00:21:31,957
Is there any danger of getting food?
230
00:21:32,291 --> 00:21:33,918
- Breakfast's off.
- Off?
231
00:21:34,251 --> 00:21:38,005
Yes, off. There is no breakfast.
You're both too fat, anyway.
232
00:21:38,339 --> 00:21:40,674
Really! That's too much!
I've never...
233
00:21:41,008 --> 00:21:43,636
Oh, do shut your gob, lard-arse!
234
00:21:43,969 --> 00:21:45,930
This is preposterous.
235
00:21:46,263 --> 00:21:48,974
You can shut yours, too.
236
00:21:49,308 --> 00:21:51,477
- That's it.
- Darling, don't!
237
00:21:51,811 --> 00:21:53,854
Do you want some, eh? Do you want...
238
00:21:54,188 --> 00:21:57,525
- some?
- He's a black belt in karate!
239
00:21:57,858 --> 00:22:01,570
More like a pink belt in hanging about
gentlemen's lavatories on Hampstead Heath!
240
00:22:11,413 --> 00:22:12,706
Richie...
241
00:22:14,166 --> 00:22:15,543
Hello, bird!
242
00:22:15,876 --> 00:22:17,878
Oh, Richie! It's Richie!
243
00:22:18,212 --> 00:22:19,797
Oh, it's Richie!
244
00:22:20,130 --> 00:22:21,674
Hello... other bird!
245
00:22:22,007 --> 00:22:23,592
It's Richie! Richie!
246
00:22:23,926 --> 00:22:27,930
Come saucy wood-nymphs, gather
from your groves - it is Richie!
247
00:22:28,264 --> 00:22:29,974
Hello!
248
00:22:30,307 --> 00:22:33,227
Hello! Hello! Hello!
249
00:22:33,561 --> 00:22:35,396
Hello, birds!
250
00:22:35,729 --> 00:22:38,524
Come, love-nymphs.
Out of respect for Richie,
251
00:22:38,858 --> 00:22:42,820
let us all take out our great knockers
and wobble them about a bit.
252
00:22:44,822 --> 00:22:46,282
Oh, yes, do let's!
253
00:22:48,117 --> 00:22:51,662
No, other love-nymphs,
first let us open our fairy briefcases
254
00:22:51,996 --> 00:22:54,206
and shower our lord with bundles
of unmarked tenners!
255
00:22:54,540 --> 00:22:55,624
Erotically...
256
00:22:55,958 --> 00:22:59,670
(All) Hurrah! Yes!
What a smashing idea!
257
00:23:00,004 --> 00:23:04,967
But first, proud, firm, young maidens
who are definitely on for it,
258
00:23:05,301 --> 00:23:10,014
let us anoint him with pints
of super-strength illegal cider!
259
00:23:10,347 --> 00:23:12,308
(All) Oh, yes! Let's!
260
00:23:13,976 --> 00:23:15,728
(Giggling)
261
00:23:19,773 --> 00:23:21,692
Settle, birds...
262
00:23:22,026 --> 00:23:23,527
(Eddie) Ha ha ha ha!
263
00:23:26,280 --> 00:23:28,657
Ha ha ha ha ha ha!
264
00:23:28,991 --> 00:23:30,701
A-ha ha ha ha ha!
265
00:23:33,412 --> 00:23:35,998
(Eddie's laughter echoes)
266
00:23:42,379 --> 00:23:44,715
Oh, stop it! Stop it!
267
00:23:45,925 --> 00:23:48,802
(Eddie) Richie, are you all right?
You've been out for eight hours!
268
00:23:49,136 --> 00:23:51,639
Eight hours? Blood and sugar puffs,
what have you been doing?
269
00:23:51,972 --> 00:23:54,016
Trying to rouse you with this hammer.
270
00:23:54,350 --> 00:23:56,810
How has the hotel
functioned without me?
271
00:23:57,144 --> 00:23:59,188
Easily, 'cause the guests have gone.
272
00:23:59,521 --> 00:24:01,398
Gone! Did any of them pay?
273
00:24:01,732 --> 00:24:04,360
Er... no.
274
00:24:04,693 --> 00:24:06,320
Did they find the safe?
275
00:24:06,654 --> 00:24:08,197
I'm afraid so.
276
00:24:08,530 --> 00:24:11,659
Damn! So they got
all their stuff back?!
277
00:24:12,910 --> 00:24:14,411
(Cash till rings)
278
00:24:14,745 --> 00:24:15,871
Oh...!
279
00:24:16,205 --> 00:24:17,498
What about advance bookings?
280
00:24:17,831 --> 00:24:19,667
Um, not too good.
281
00:24:21,418 --> 00:24:23,420
Oh, God!
282
00:24:23,754 --> 00:24:27,424
Oh, come on, Richie.
It's not that bad.
283
00:24:27,758 --> 00:24:32,888
Yes, it is. I've just trapped the tip of
my penis in the till drawer.
284
00:24:34,640 --> 00:24:36,183
(Cash till rings)
285
00:24:39,853 --> 00:24:41,313
(Foxfur) Oh, Mr. Twat?
286
00:24:41,647 --> 00:24:43,023
It's "Thwaite"!
287
00:24:43,357 --> 00:24:46,527
I thought you said
all the guests have gone?
288
00:24:46,860 --> 00:24:48,737
I thought she was dead.
289
00:24:55,035 --> 00:24:59,289
Ah, Twat.
My eggs still haven't arrived.
290
00:24:59,623 --> 00:25:02,501
That's because you went through the
menopause 40 years ago, you shriveled...
291
00:25:02,835 --> 00:25:04,378
I beg your pardon?
292
00:25:05,796 --> 00:25:09,216
I said I'm afraid breakfast is off.
293
00:25:09,550 --> 00:25:12,302
Oh, have some sherry.
294
00:25:12,636 --> 00:25:15,764
Oh! Is it my birthday?
295
00:25:16,098 --> 00:25:20,728
- Oh... yes!
- What, again?
296
00:25:22,312 --> 00:25:24,523
It's the third time this month.
297
00:25:24,857 --> 00:25:27,026
Yes! Have another one.
298
00:25:30,070 --> 00:25:31,822
(Whispers) Eddie, mark the bottle.
299
00:25:32,156 --> 00:25:37,411
I was just wondering, Mrs. Foxfur,
given your increasing infirmity,
300
00:25:37,745 --> 00:25:40,789
whether you might like
to take the opportunity
301
00:25:41,123 --> 00:25:43,333
to pay your bill in advance?
302
00:25:43,667 --> 00:25:47,087
We don't want you getting
so crippled by arthritis
303
00:25:47,421 --> 00:25:49,673
that you can't sign the check, now do we?
304
00:25:50,007 --> 00:25:52,384
I gave you five years in advance
last week.
305
00:25:53,552 --> 00:25:56,096
Yeah! And the week before that.
306
00:25:56,430 --> 00:25:58,223
Oh, yes.
307
00:25:58,557 --> 00:25:59,516
Silly old me.
308
00:26:01,018 --> 00:26:02,770
(Sighs)
309
00:26:05,064 --> 00:26:06,190
Hmm...
310
00:26:12,738 --> 00:26:15,032
Is that real gold in those teeth?
311
00:26:15,365 --> 00:26:17,242
You should get those checked.
312
00:26:17,576 --> 00:26:19,745
My twin is a dentist!
313
00:26:20,079 --> 00:26:24,374
Your twin? Is that the same twin
who's a gynaecologist?
314
00:26:25,542 --> 00:26:26,794
Huh?
315
00:26:27,127 --> 00:26:30,672
Er, no, no. He's the third twin.
316
00:26:31,006 --> 00:26:35,886
Yes, that's who he is. I'll get him
to come round this afternoon.
317
00:26:36,220 --> 00:26:39,932
No, I'll get him
to come round right now.
318
00:26:40,265 --> 00:26:44,603
- Yes, but I... I think I...
- No trouble, Mrs. Foxfur.
319
00:26:44,937 --> 00:26:48,816
Come along. Up to your room.
Come on, come on!
320
00:26:49,149 --> 00:26:50,567
COME ON!
321
00:26:51,777 --> 00:26:55,280
Right, I'll be...
he'll be with you in a moment.
322
00:26:55,614 --> 00:26:57,074
Come on! Come on!
323
00:26:58,408 --> 00:27:02,121
Get me a white doctor's coat,
some pliers and a hammer.
324
00:27:02,454 --> 00:27:04,832
And your glasses as a disguise.
325
00:27:08,001 --> 00:27:09,795
How do I look?
326
00:27:10,129 --> 00:27:12,047
I don't know, I can't see.
327
00:27:12,381 --> 00:27:14,550
Edward, have you been taking drugs?
328
00:27:14,883 --> 00:27:18,720
Well, never mind depravity.
Let's kick the old bint's teeth out.
329
00:27:19,054 --> 00:27:21,557
(Horns honking)
330
00:27:32,818 --> 00:27:34,695
Are you sure this is the right place?
331
00:27:35,028 --> 00:27:39,324
- It doesn't look nice.
- There's a nuclear power station.
332
00:27:39,658 --> 00:27:43,829
Times are hard and this is
the cheapest hotel in Britain.
333
00:27:44,163 --> 00:27:46,206
Let's make the best of it.
334
00:27:46,540 --> 00:27:49,293
Come on, we're on holiday! Hooray.
335
00:27:52,087 --> 00:27:56,049
- Oh! Oh!
- Go on! Drink it, you bitch!
336
00:27:59,261 --> 00:28:01,722
Good, that should've
loosened them up.
337
00:28:02,055 --> 00:28:06,059
Eddie, get the croquet mallet while
I do some preliminary bridgework.
338
00:28:06,393 --> 00:28:07,644
Righty-dokey!
339
00:28:09,646 --> 00:28:12,024
(Bell dings)
340
00:28:12,357 --> 00:28:15,861
Quick, Eddie, put your fingerprints
all over this hammer.
341
00:28:16,195 --> 00:28:17,321
Right-O.
342
00:28:21,658 --> 00:28:25,287
Dr. Twat, is that you?
343
00:28:25,621 --> 00:28:27,456
Er, yes.
344
00:28:27,789 --> 00:28:31,126
Have you completed
the root canal work?
345
00:28:31,460 --> 00:28:33,921
- (Bell dings)
- Er, yes.
346
00:28:34,254 --> 00:28:36,215
That's looking macfine.
347
00:28:36,548 --> 00:28:41,011
I'll pop back in a week and give ye a
wee check-up. Come on, let's scarper!
348
00:28:48,477 --> 00:28:50,437
(Dings bell)
349
00:28:58,570 --> 00:29:00,322
(Dings bell)
350
00:29:04,952 --> 00:29:08,580
Good morning,
good morning, good morning!
351
00:29:08,914 --> 00:29:12,000
We were beginning to think
nobody was here.
352
00:29:12,334 --> 00:29:14,253
It looked like the Marie Celeste.
353
00:29:14,586 --> 00:29:16,672
(Forced laughter)
354
00:29:23,512 --> 00:29:29,434
How amusing! Ha ha! Oh, ha ha ha!
355
00:29:33,021 --> 00:29:35,399
(Continues to laugh)
356
00:29:37,067 --> 00:29:39,778
Now, what can I do for you?
357
00:29:40,112 --> 00:29:41,697
Well, we were wondering...
358
00:29:42,030 --> 00:29:45,284
(Laughs again)
359
00:29:51,248 --> 00:29:54,209
(Straining to laugh)
360
00:29:54,543 --> 00:29:59,047
I'm sorry, I was just remembering.
I must write that one down.
361
00:29:59,381 --> 00:30:01,675
"Marie... Celeste."
362
00:30:02,009 --> 00:30:06,305
Ha ha ha! Implying that we run
the kind of hotel where...
363
00:30:06,638 --> 00:30:08,098
nobody wants to stay.
364
00:30:10,517 --> 00:30:14,771
Right, well, we were wondering
if you had any rooms.
365
00:30:15,105 --> 00:30:17,149
Yes, we'd like two rooms, adjoining.
366
00:30:17,482 --> 00:30:19,151
With a sea view, please.
367
00:30:19,484 --> 00:30:23,405
Gosh, you're quite forthright,
aren't you, in your demands?
368
00:30:23,739 --> 00:30:26,700
My word, Eddie.
Important people here.
369
00:30:27,034 --> 00:30:30,078
Well, first things first.
Got any valuables...
370
00:30:30,412 --> 00:30:32,831
that you'd like put in the safe?
371
00:30:33,165 --> 00:30:36,543
- Not really, no.
- What about that ring?
372
00:30:36,877 --> 00:30:38,920
Well, I never take it off.
373
00:30:39,254 --> 00:30:41,465
The watch, then? Is that expensive?
374
00:30:41,798 --> 00:30:43,425
No, it's a cheap copy.
375
00:30:43,759 --> 00:30:46,261
That'll do.
The pawnbroker's very short-sighted.
376
00:30:46,595 --> 00:30:47,804
Eddie!
377
00:30:48,138 --> 00:30:52,100
...means you don't need
a watch in paradise.
378
00:30:52,434 --> 00:30:55,645
Time... stops here.
379
00:30:56,980 --> 00:30:58,774
(Richie chuckles) So watch, please.
380
00:30:59,107 --> 00:31:01,943
- I'd rather keep it...
- Watch! Please.
381
00:31:02,277 --> 00:31:04,905
- I won't be able...
- Watch!
382
00:31:07,866 --> 00:31:09,201
Come on!
383
00:31:11,244 --> 00:31:13,997
Mmm. There, better safe than sorry.
384
00:31:15,165 --> 00:31:17,376
Eddie, take their bags.
385
00:31:18,502 --> 00:31:20,712
But... they'll see, won't they?
386
00:31:21,046 --> 00:31:24,674
No, Eddie, take their bags
to their rooms.
387
00:31:25,008 --> 00:31:28,637
And you'll keep 'em talking? Gotcha!
388
00:31:28,970 --> 00:31:30,639
Whoo! Look over there!
389
00:31:38,855 --> 00:31:41,316
And off we go!
390
00:31:41,650 --> 00:31:43,402
Off to your rooms.
391
00:31:43,735 --> 00:31:45,362
Uh-uh uh-uh uh.
392
00:31:57,916 --> 00:32:00,877
- I beg your pardon?
- I'll say.
393
00:32:04,589 --> 00:32:08,760
Have you stayed in a hotel before?
This is the corridor.
394
00:32:09,094 --> 00:32:11,721
And this is the light switch.
395
00:32:12,055 --> 00:32:15,684
I've depressed the light switch,
which is on a timer,
396
00:32:16,017 --> 00:32:17,727
which has been
scientifically designed
397
00:32:18,061 --> 00:32:22,441
to allow you plenty of time
to insert your key in the...
398
00:32:22,774 --> 00:32:23,942
Arse.
399
00:32:24,276 --> 00:32:26,319
(Boy) Insert it in your arse?
400
00:32:26,653 --> 00:32:30,657
(Richie) Never mind, I'm a
resourceful chap, so I find the...
401
00:32:30,991 --> 00:32:34,453
Bastard! Fucking! Where is it?!
402
00:32:35,662 --> 00:32:38,039
Ah, there we are.
403
00:32:39,833 --> 00:32:41,585
And in we go...
404
00:32:41,918 --> 00:32:44,379
Eddie! What on earth are you doing?
405
00:32:44,713 --> 00:32:49,593
Uh... I... was...
just going to unpack for them.
406
00:32:49,926 --> 00:32:53,138
Don't worry,
I'd like to do that myself.
407
00:32:53,472 --> 00:32:55,348
Where's the sea view?
408
00:32:55,682 --> 00:32:57,559
That'll be out the window.
409
00:32:58,810 --> 00:33:01,062
Well, I can't see it.
410
00:33:01,396 --> 00:33:04,232
Yes, you have to lean out.
Come along.
411
00:33:04,566 --> 00:33:07,652
Lean out... lean out...
lean out of the window!
412
00:33:07,986 --> 00:33:09,613
Hold on to the scaffolding
413
00:33:09,946 --> 00:33:14,367
and you can just see
the sewage pipe in Dead Man's Cove.
414
00:33:14,701 --> 00:33:17,329
I've had it checked by lawyers and its a
thoroughly water-tight sea view
415
00:33:17,662 --> 00:33:19,206
so don't try anything funny.
416
00:33:19,539 --> 00:33:21,500
And, as a backup...
417
00:33:23,335 --> 00:33:28,215
I've got a picture of some sea,
so I've got you both ways.
418
00:33:28,548 --> 00:33:32,135
Could I just ask,
is breakfast thrown in?
419
00:33:32,469 --> 00:33:36,973
It depends who's serving.
I sometimes bring it on a tray.
420
00:33:37,307 --> 00:33:38,850
Eddie, a word.
421
00:33:41,186 --> 00:33:44,856
I've told you before,
never talk to the adult guests.
422
00:33:45,190 --> 00:33:46,691
Ow!
423
00:33:47,025 --> 00:33:50,111
- What's going on?
- He poked me in the eye.
424
00:33:50,445 --> 00:33:53,281
No, I didn't. She walked into my finger.
425
00:33:55,242 --> 00:33:57,786
Ha ha! Look, what time is it?
426
00:33:58,119 --> 00:34:02,999
Oh! Uh, why don't you let Eddie
take these little... nippers
427
00:34:03,333 --> 00:34:05,085
off to the playground?
428
00:34:06,962 --> 00:34:09,631
Come on, you little rascals!
429
00:34:09,965 --> 00:34:11,174
(Richie chuckles)
430
00:34:11,508 --> 00:34:15,887
And you two pop down to the bar
for a complimentary sherry.
431
00:34:16,221 --> 00:34:18,848
- That sounds nice.
- It is.
432
00:34:19,182 --> 00:34:20,850
And only 75 pence.
433
00:34:23,562 --> 00:34:24,813
Each.
434
00:34:25,146 --> 00:34:26,439
In advance.
435
00:34:26,773 --> 00:34:28,650
Oh, right. Sorry.
436
00:34:33,071 --> 00:34:35,198
There we are. Oh, yes...
437
00:34:35,532 --> 00:34:39,452
Uh... have a... nice... day.
438
00:34:42,998 --> 00:34:46,668
So, as we always say
at the Guest House Paradiso,
439
00:34:47,002 --> 00:34:49,462
have fun, don't go in the water if you
know what's good for you,
440
00:34:49,796 --> 00:34:51,548
and try not to get shit on the sheets.
441
00:35:12,694 --> 00:35:13,987
Hmm.
442
00:35:18,074 --> 00:35:19,784
(Rusty squeaking)
443
00:35:24,706 --> 00:35:26,333
It's horrible here.
444
00:35:28,209 --> 00:35:30,670
Welcome to the real world, kid.
445
00:35:58,281 --> 00:36:01,284
Oh! Ha ha ha!
446
00:36:01,618 --> 00:36:02,869
Oh!
447
00:36:04,162 --> 00:36:07,332
I really must have some more sherry.
448
00:36:09,000 --> 00:36:10,210
Eh... oh...
449
00:36:26,601 --> 00:36:29,854
Here you are, kid.
Have a swig of this.
450
00:36:30,188 --> 00:36:31,981
It helps to keep things blurred.
451
00:36:32,315 --> 00:36:33,566
(Scream)
452
00:36:49,958 --> 00:36:51,292
Oh, damn.
453
00:36:57,841 --> 00:36:59,175
(Key turns in lock)
454
00:37:24,826 --> 00:37:26,578
(Woman) Shame about the weather.
455
00:37:26,911 --> 00:37:28,705
(Man) Shame about the hotel.
456
00:37:29,038 --> 00:37:32,500
(Woman) Never mind.
Happy anniversary, darling.
457
00:37:33,668 --> 00:37:35,920
(Richie) Oh, no! No!
458
00:37:36,254 --> 00:37:38,173
Damn! Damn! Damn!
459
00:38:02,572 --> 00:38:07,827
It's Mr. Thwaite, you're going to have
to vacate your room for a moment.
460
00:38:08,161 --> 00:38:10,038
- (Woman) Hello?
- Excuse me.
461
00:38:11,664 --> 00:38:13,291
(Foreign accent) Hello?
462
00:38:18,963 --> 00:38:20,507
Hello?
463
00:38:22,634 --> 00:38:25,220
Hello, man behind the counter.
464
00:38:34,604 --> 00:38:36,773
Ah, there you are.
465
00:38:37,106 --> 00:38:39,025
Mr. Twat?
466
00:38:39,359 --> 00:38:42,362
- No.
- Do you know where he is?
467
00:38:42,695 --> 00:38:46,950
He could be anywhere. He's the only
one who does a fucking thing!
468
00:38:47,283 --> 00:38:50,036
I'm surprised he hasn't had
a nervous breakdown!
469
00:38:50,370 --> 00:38:51,120
Pardon?
470
00:38:51,454 --> 00:38:53,373
Uh... the bar.
471
00:38:55,834 --> 00:38:59,671
He is in the... bar.
472
00:39:00,004 --> 00:39:01,631
Right.
473
00:39:08,596 --> 00:39:11,099
But... there's no one there.
474
00:39:13,643 --> 00:39:15,395
Oh, God. Oh, God!
475
00:39:16,980 --> 00:39:20,567
God! Oh, God! Oh, fu...
476
00:39:24,070 --> 00:39:27,031
Everything's gone completely numb.
477
00:39:27,365 --> 00:39:29,701
You lucky bastard.
478
00:39:32,996 --> 00:39:35,582
Good morning,
I'm looking for Mr. Twat.
479
00:39:35,915 --> 00:39:37,000
Er...
480
00:39:37,333 --> 00:39:40,128
Have you tried reception?
481
00:39:40,461 --> 00:39:44,757
Yes, but he isn't there. The strange
midget said he was in the lounge.
482
00:39:45,091 --> 00:39:45,884
But he wasn't.
483
00:39:51,222 --> 00:39:56,269
Well, I'm sure if we wait here
he'll turn up.
484
00:39:58,104 --> 00:39:59,939
Charming part of the country.
485
00:40:00,273 --> 00:40:02,567
(Board creaks, then gas hisses)
486
00:40:05,278 --> 00:40:07,989
Does it rain a lot around here?
487
00:40:09,824 --> 00:40:12,076
More or less continuously, yes.
488
00:40:13,286 --> 00:40:14,621
Oh.
489
00:40:15,955 --> 00:40:17,457
Oh, well.
490
00:40:17,790 --> 00:40:18,958
(Click)
491
00:40:19,292 --> 00:40:21,419
Good for the flowers, I suppose.
492
00:40:21,753 --> 00:40:24,172
Still quite warm, though.
493
00:40:38,478 --> 00:40:42,774
Look, I don't know why but
something tells me I can trust you.
494
00:40:45,944 --> 00:40:47,695
You see, the thing is...
495
00:40:48,029 --> 00:40:50,239
(Board creaks, then gas hisses)
496
00:40:50,573 --> 00:40:52,450
The thing is...
497
00:40:57,664 --> 00:40:59,624
I am Gina Carbonara.
498
00:41:01,876 --> 00:41:03,753
Gina Carbonara,
499
00:41:04,087 --> 00:41:08,508
the famous Italian film star
and love object.
500
00:41:08,841 --> 00:41:14,055
Cor, blimey, wait till Richie
hears about this!
501
00:41:15,598 --> 00:41:20,061
The truth is, I've had a little
bother lately with...
502
00:41:21,270 --> 00:41:22,897
one thing and another,
503
00:41:24,232 --> 00:41:29,946
and I'm looking for a hotel that's
quiet, discreet and out of the way,
504
00:41:30,279 --> 00:41:32,740
where the paparazzi won't find me.
505
00:41:33,783 --> 00:41:36,035
I wouldn't know where to recommend.
506
00:41:37,203 --> 00:41:39,080
I was thinking of here.
507
00:41:40,248 --> 00:41:41,165
Oh.
508
00:41:42,333 --> 00:41:44,127
Oh!
509
00:41:46,087 --> 00:41:50,591
This seems the perfect spot.
You're not in any of the guidebooks.
510
00:41:50,925 --> 00:41:54,387
Nobody for miles around -
an oasis of calm.
511
00:41:55,888 --> 00:41:59,267
Even the peasants in the village
denied its existence.
512
00:42:02,729 --> 00:42:05,565
Oh, yes, this is the place.
513
00:42:07,066 --> 00:42:09,694
A perfect little refuge
from the world.
514
00:42:15,158 --> 00:42:21,080
Right, well, we'd better...
check you in, then.
515
00:42:27,462 --> 00:42:31,340
So if you're not the manager,
who are you?
516
00:42:31,674 --> 00:42:34,010
I'm Eddie the bellboy.
517
00:42:34,343 --> 00:42:35,720
The bellboy?
518
00:42:36,054 --> 00:42:37,638
That's right.
519
00:42:37,972 --> 00:42:39,974
(Bell dongs)
520
00:42:40,308 --> 00:42:41,934
(Giggles)
521
00:42:42,268 --> 00:42:43,936
(High pitched giggle)
522
00:42:51,819 --> 00:42:55,281
And... here's your key.
523
00:42:56,491 --> 00:42:59,827
It's room five, first floor,
end of the corridor.
524
00:43:00,161 --> 00:43:02,371
I'll shall bring your luggage up directly.
525
00:43:07,585 --> 00:43:08,920
Mice.
526
00:43:11,005 --> 00:43:13,883
Basque separatist mice.
527
00:43:21,099 --> 00:43:26,145
I was... just... cleaning the oven
in my Ralph Lauren rubber shorts
528
00:43:26,479 --> 00:43:28,397
and... and...
never mind about that now!
529
00:43:28,731 --> 00:43:31,984
I can't believe it!
Gina Carbonara staying here!
530
00:43:32,318 --> 00:43:35,404
Gina Carbonara!
The Melons from Milan!
531
00:43:35,738 --> 00:43:37,824
Yeah, the Nipples from Naples!
532
00:43:38,157 --> 00:43:39,742
The Rump from Rome!
533
00:43:40,076 --> 00:43:42,620
The Rectum from Reykjavik!
534
00:43:44,413 --> 00:43:48,459
- That's not right, is it?
- I don't know. She gets around.
535
00:43:48,793 --> 00:43:50,461
Eddie, assemble all the staff!
536
00:43:50,795 --> 00:43:52,839
- Here I am.
- Good.
537
00:43:53,172 --> 00:43:55,216
Is this it? Where's Lardy Basto?
538
00:43:55,550 --> 00:43:59,595
- Chef left this morning, remember?
- Damn, so he did!
539
00:43:59,929 --> 00:44:03,391
So it's just us, then.
Very well, then.
540
00:44:03,724 --> 00:44:05,101
Alone.
541
00:44:05,434 --> 00:44:07,478
God, what are we gonna do?!
542
00:44:07,812 --> 00:44:11,524
Calm! Down! Richie!
It's only Gina Carbonara!
543
00:44:11,858 --> 00:44:16,571
I know! I'm already straining
these rubber underpants to the limit!
544
00:44:16,904 --> 00:44:18,948
We'll soon have you out.
545
00:44:19,782 --> 00:44:21,242
Unh!
546
00:44:21,576 --> 00:44:24,203
(Air hissing and rubber stretching)
547
00:44:24,537 --> 00:44:28,166
Ooh-uh! Oohh! Uh! Uh!
548
00:44:28,499 --> 00:44:30,001
What about dinner?
549
00:44:30,334 --> 00:44:35,673
She'll be expecting top-rate,
poncey, French-style A1 nosh!
550
00:44:36,007 --> 00:44:40,928
I don't believe it! That Romanian
bastard! He's eaten all the food!
551
00:44:41,262 --> 00:44:42,180
Oh!
552
00:44:42,513 --> 00:44:46,475
Oh, God! Oh, God! Oh, God! OH, GOD!
553
00:44:46,809 --> 00:44:49,270
Why do these things happen to me?
554
00:44:49,604 --> 00:44:51,647
I thought this would be it,
555
00:44:51,981 --> 00:44:56,777
I was gonna get a blue plaque made
saying "Gina Carbonara stayed here."
556
00:44:57,111 --> 00:44:59,697
Now you'll need
a slightly bigger one,
557
00:45:00,031 --> 00:45:04,410
saying "Gina Carbonara stayed here
and thought it was shit."
558
00:45:05,786 --> 00:45:09,415
- Is this gonna work?
- Is the Pope Catholic?
559
00:45:09,749 --> 00:45:11,083
Yes, he is.
560
00:45:11,417 --> 00:45:14,503
Is he? Huh! I never knew that.
561
00:45:14,837 --> 00:45:16,172
Right.
562
00:45:16,505 --> 00:45:18,591
Yep, that should do it.
563
00:45:18,925 --> 00:45:21,344
What's the next part
of the operation?
564
00:45:21,677 --> 00:45:27,225
I puncture the pants with this kebab
skewer on the end of a broom handle.
565
00:45:27,558 --> 00:45:34,106
The sudden release of pressure causes
the pants to gradually disintegrate.
566
00:45:35,358 --> 00:45:39,070
- If you say so.
- Brace yourself.
567
00:45:39,403 --> 00:45:41,447
And here it comes!
568
00:46:07,932 --> 00:46:10,059
(Boy) It's so boring here!
569
00:46:10,393 --> 00:46:12,937
(Dad) Well, lets play a game then.
What about I-Spy?
570
00:46:13,271 --> 00:46:13,896
(Boy) No.
571
00:46:14,230 --> 00:46:17,275
(Dad) Let's play
Charlene's favorite game.
572
00:46:19,527 --> 00:46:21,696
(Door opens)
573
00:46:22,905 --> 00:46:26,659
OK, here we go,
hope you're all hiding.
574
00:46:26,993 --> 00:46:28,160
One...
575
00:46:28,494 --> 00:46:30,288
two... three...
576
00:46:39,255 --> 00:46:41,257
Ten! Coming, ready or not!
577
00:46:43,342 --> 00:46:45,553
- Oh, you've grown.
- What?
578
00:46:45,886 --> 00:46:48,389
- Oh, I see!
- Are you Mr. Twat?
579
00:46:48,723 --> 00:46:53,644
It's "Thwaite"! No, no, I'm not him,
I'm his deranged half-brother!
580
00:46:53,978 --> 00:46:56,022
Hur hur hur hee!
581
00:46:56,355 --> 00:46:59,275
(Strangled moans)
582
00:47:02,820 --> 00:47:04,447
(Crashing and banging)
583
00:47:08,826 --> 00:47:13,456
And stay there! Never enter
the public areas of the hotel!
584
00:47:14,665 --> 00:47:19,170
Oh, I'm so sorry. I was talking
to my demented half-brother.
585
00:47:19,503 --> 00:47:22,757
- Is he all right?
- No, he's mad.
586
00:47:23,090 --> 00:47:25,009
But don't worry, it's terminal!
587
00:47:25,343 --> 00:47:27,803
Now, please allow me to show
you around the hotel.
588
00:47:28,137 --> 00:47:31,515
Oh, my, you have a pert elbow.
589
00:47:33,476 --> 00:47:36,520
You must be Gina Carbonara.
590
00:47:36,854 --> 00:47:40,316
Yes, and you must be Mr. Thwaite.
591
00:47:40,649 --> 00:47:43,194
It's "Twat". Damn...
592
00:47:43,527 --> 00:47:46,489
I'm sorry, please,
forgive me, Mr. Twat.
593
00:47:46,822 --> 00:47:47,823
Yes.
594
00:47:48,157 --> 00:47:52,495
I have a small problem,
could you come into my room?
595
00:47:52,828 --> 00:47:54,538
- No...
- You won't?
596
00:47:54,872 --> 00:47:57,875
No, no, I won't have a problem.
597
00:47:58,209 --> 00:48:02,713
- I'm not being too forward?
- No, I like the way they stick out.
598
00:48:04,382 --> 00:48:06,967
Now, what seems to be the problem?
599
00:48:07,301 --> 00:48:09,929
Electrics? Plumbing? The... stench?
600
00:48:11,222 --> 00:48:15,434
Although, by the way,
should you have a personal problem,
601
00:48:15,768 --> 00:48:18,687
I am in fact
a qualified gynaecologist.
602
00:48:20,356 --> 00:48:24,110
Well, strictly speaking
I'm an amateur - but I'm bloody keen.
603
00:48:24,443 --> 00:48:26,570
Keen as mustard.
604
00:48:26,904 --> 00:48:30,574
- I'm having trouble with my zip.
- Your zip?
605
00:48:30,908 --> 00:48:32,451
Could you undo my zip?
606
00:48:34,370 --> 00:48:35,830
(Mumbles)
607
00:48:36,163 --> 00:48:37,248
Pardon?
608
00:48:38,666 --> 00:48:40,543
(Mumbles)
609
00:48:40,876 --> 00:48:42,670
No, I still don't understand.
610
00:48:43,003 --> 00:48:46,382
(Quivering) You want me
to undo your zip?
611
00:48:46,715 --> 00:48:48,676
Oh, yes. Would you?
612
00:48:49,009 --> 00:48:52,346
(Quivering) Well,
I'll have a bloody good go.
613
00:48:52,680 --> 00:48:54,098
Thank you.
614
00:48:56,976 --> 00:48:59,562
You see it is just stuck here.
615
00:48:59,895 --> 00:49:03,482
You don't mind
that I do not wear a brassiere?
616
00:49:03,816 --> 00:49:05,526
Uh, no.
617
00:49:05,860 --> 00:49:10,656
This is such a charming hotel,
unlike anywhere else I've ever been.
618
00:49:13,242 --> 00:49:15,744
I feel I could stay here forever.
619
00:49:16,078 --> 00:49:17,329
(zip)
620
00:49:18,581 --> 00:49:20,583
You're such a sweet man.
621
00:49:33,429 --> 00:49:36,724
Love is such a fickle thing,
don't you think?
622
00:49:37,057 --> 00:49:39,018
What? Oh, love.
623
00:49:39,351 --> 00:49:41,770
Oh, yes, love.
624
00:49:42,104 --> 00:49:43,481
Oh, lumme! Love!
625
00:49:43,814 --> 00:49:45,524
H-how very well put.
626
00:49:45,858 --> 00:49:50,279
How very amusing. Ha ha ha ha...
627
00:49:50,613 --> 00:49:52,573
How soi-disant... Ah! Uh!
628
00:49:54,116 --> 00:49:55,993
Yes, it's such...
629
00:49:56,327 --> 00:49:58,537
Oh... he's gone.
630
00:50:03,709 --> 00:50:06,462
Ooh, it's cold in here.
631
00:50:06,795 --> 00:50:07,630
Arrrgh!
632
00:50:08,839 --> 00:50:10,049
(Horn honks)
633
00:50:10,382 --> 00:50:11,759
Eddie!
634
00:50:14,220 --> 00:50:16,430
Aaaarrgh! AAAAARRRGH!
635
00:50:20,100 --> 00:50:22,061
Bloody road protesters!
636
00:50:22,394 --> 00:50:24,647
Save the B1 57!
637
00:50:24,980 --> 00:50:28,317
Marvellous, Eddie!
Look! Fish for supper!
638
00:50:28,651 --> 00:50:31,779
We're saved! Ha ha ha!
639
00:50:36,492 --> 00:50:38,869
(Whistling happily)
640
00:50:58,430 --> 00:51:02,226
Have you had enough time
to read the menu, Mrs. Foxfur?
641
00:51:02,560 --> 00:51:05,771
Well, I think I'll have the fish.
642
00:51:06,105 --> 00:51:08,357
Oh, good. Wise choice.
643
00:51:08,691 --> 00:51:11,819
So everyone's having fish, then.
Excellent.
644
00:51:13,320 --> 00:51:15,072
I don't like this fish.
645
00:51:15,406 --> 00:51:17,283
You'll bloody well eat what you're given,
Buster. This is a restaurant and
646
00:51:17,616 --> 00:51:21,745
you're a minor, you have no rights
and I'll happily call the police!
647
00:51:22,079 --> 00:51:27,001
For what the Lord has provided
let us be truly F-ing thankful.
648
00:51:27,334 --> 00:51:29,670
And the same goes for you!
649
00:51:30,004 --> 00:51:32,089
- Enjoying your meal?
- Yes.
650
00:51:32,423 --> 00:51:36,594
We've got royalty coming downstairs
in a minute so just fucking behave!
651
00:51:37,469 --> 00:51:38,929
Who are you?
652
00:51:40,139 --> 00:51:42,558
- We're Mr...
- And Mrs.
653
00:51:42,891 --> 00:51:46,061
(Both, giggling) Barker.
654
00:51:46,395 --> 00:51:50,524
The honeymoon couple? You're still here?
Have you been in bed all day?
655
00:51:50,858 --> 00:51:52,776
Well, we're newlyweds.
656
00:51:53,110 --> 00:51:55,738
Good grief! What can I get you?
657
00:51:56,071 --> 00:51:58,699
Vitamins? Energy tablets? Fanny pump?
658
00:51:59,950 --> 00:52:03,495
- N-no, just wanted a table.
- Should we just go back upstairs.
659
00:52:03,829 --> 00:52:07,833
No, you bloody well won't!
That's quite enough of that sort of thing!
660
00:52:08,167 --> 00:52:11,378
Sit down! Just sit down and eat quietly
like normal people!
661
00:52:11,712 --> 00:52:15,424
It's absolutely disgusting!
662
00:52:17,551 --> 00:52:20,262
Now, what can I get you?
663
00:52:21,513 --> 00:52:23,432
Do you have any fish?
664
00:52:24,642 --> 00:52:27,436
Oh! I'll see what I can do.
665
00:52:37,529 --> 00:52:40,282
Good evening, Miss Carbonara.
666
00:52:40,616 --> 00:52:42,034
Good evening, Mr. Twat.
667
00:52:42,368 --> 00:52:44,078
Ha ha, it's "Cunt".
668
00:52:45,663 --> 00:52:47,915
Oh, damn. Again.
669
00:52:50,501 --> 00:52:55,047
Would it be too much trouble
if I ate in my room?
670
00:52:55,381 --> 00:52:58,133
Oh. Of course.
671
00:52:59,843 --> 00:53:01,095
Oh...
672
00:53:01,428 --> 00:53:02,805
Of course.
673
00:53:03,138 --> 00:53:07,101
What can I bring you?
The fish is very good tonight.
674
00:53:07,434 --> 00:53:11,230
Yes, lightly grilled fish
and a salad would be perfect.
675
00:53:11,563 --> 00:53:15,693
"Lightly" grilled fish?
And a "salad"?
676
00:53:16,860 --> 00:53:20,114
Righty-ho.
I'll have that up in a jiffy.
677
00:53:20,447 --> 00:53:23,867
Would it offend you
if I ate it naked?
678
00:53:25,744 --> 00:53:26,995
Hmm?
679
00:53:27,329 --> 00:53:29,873
I would like to have it undressed.
680
00:53:31,500 --> 00:53:32,543
Hmm?
681
00:53:32,876 --> 00:53:35,254
I don't want to cause a fuss.
682
00:53:35,587 --> 00:53:39,591
Oh, no, no! They'll be raring
to go on that one.
683
00:53:39,925 --> 00:53:43,971
- Undressed, you say?
- It's good for my chakras.
684
00:53:44,304 --> 00:53:47,975
I should imagine. With chakras like those
you want to look after them.
685
00:53:48,308 --> 00:53:51,979
As we used to say
in the Boy Scouts...
686
00:53:52,312 --> 00:53:53,814
(Eddie) Pheeb!
687
00:53:56,233 --> 00:53:57,818
Oh, she's gone.
688
00:53:58,152 --> 00:54:02,448
Right, Edward Elizabeth Ndingombaba,
this could be our lucky day!
689
00:54:10,873 --> 00:54:12,875
(Knock at door)
690
00:54:13,208 --> 00:54:14,585
Come in.
691
00:54:27,848 --> 00:54:29,308
Good evening.
692
00:54:29,641 --> 00:54:31,101
(Whispers) Good one.
693
00:54:33,604 --> 00:54:35,147
Good evening.
694
00:54:40,194 --> 00:54:42,654
You have a very big hat.
695
00:54:44,573 --> 00:54:48,076
Well, you're a very attractive bird.
696
00:55:00,631 --> 00:55:05,511
And with your salad -
salad cream or cooking oil?
697
00:55:05,844 --> 00:55:07,638
Pardon?
698
00:55:08,847 --> 00:55:10,265
Cream or oil?
699
00:55:10,599 --> 00:55:13,852
No, I said I wanted
the salad undressed.
700
00:55:14,186 --> 00:55:17,022
I know, and we're
looking forward to it.
701
00:55:17,356 --> 00:55:18,649
I'll say.
702
00:55:18,982 --> 00:55:22,820
No, I mean... without dressing.
703
00:55:24,321 --> 00:55:25,781
Oh...
704
00:55:26,114 --> 00:55:29,660
Oh. Oh, God. Back to the kitchen.
705
00:55:29,993 --> 00:55:32,830
Oh, God. Quickly! Quickly! Quickly!
706
00:55:33,163 --> 00:55:34,623
Oh, God! Oh, God!
707
00:55:37,709 --> 00:55:40,212
Really, i-i-i-it's just too much.
708
00:55:40,546 --> 00:55:43,257
I- I'm gonna...
I-I'm gonna confront him.
709
00:55:43,590 --> 00:55:46,134
So you take the kids to bed.
710
00:55:46,468 --> 00:55:48,428
Well, be careful, babe.
711
00:55:53,809 --> 00:55:55,060
(Dings)
712
00:55:55,394 --> 00:55:56,645
Hello?
713
00:56:03,610 --> 00:56:05,445
(Dings) Hello?
714
00:56:51,408 --> 00:56:54,786
Time for beddy-byes, is it?
Sweet dreams!
715
00:56:58,332 --> 00:57:01,627
Oh, I don't feel well.
716
00:57:01,960 --> 00:57:03,211
(Farts)
717
00:57:06,048 --> 00:57:08,175
Hey, give her one from me!
718
00:57:08,508 --> 00:57:12,638
If you're too tired
I'll come and give her one myself!
719
00:57:12,971 --> 00:57:14,640
I'm not joking, actually.
720
00:57:34,618 --> 00:57:37,162
(Richie) What do you
think you're doing?
721
00:57:37,496 --> 00:57:41,500
I was looking for you actually. Some
underwear has gone missing from our room.
722
00:57:41,833 --> 00:57:45,629
Oh, really? And what sort
of underwear was it then?
723
00:57:45,963 --> 00:57:47,422
Uh, well...
724
00:57:47,756 --> 00:57:50,634
They were crotchless
rubber panties, actually!
725
00:57:52,552 --> 00:57:54,680
You're quite sure
they were crotchless?
726
00:57:55,013 --> 00:57:57,808
Yes, and a rubber bra
is missing as well.
727
00:57:58,141 --> 00:58:01,770
Hey, Rich, look at this bloke
in spiky underwear!
728
00:58:02,104 --> 00:58:05,399
Is it...? Is it you?
729
00:58:05,732 --> 00:58:08,402
- Put that back on!
- No.
730
00:58:15,742 --> 00:58:17,202
It's broken.
731
00:58:17,536 --> 00:58:21,456
- And there's no other machine?
- No. Afraid not.
732
00:58:23,375 --> 00:58:29,673
Well, I'll just show this tape
to the police in the morning.
733
00:58:30,007 --> 00:58:31,383
Hey, Rich...
734
00:58:31,717 --> 00:58:33,510
What are we gonna do?
735
00:58:33,844 --> 00:58:39,975
We'll just bide our time, Eddie.
We'll just bide our time.
736
00:58:44,646 --> 00:58:47,566
Can you take your hand off my penis?
737
00:58:47,899 --> 00:58:49,651
Hmm? Oh, sorry.
738
00:58:58,702 --> 00:59:01,371
(Eddie) Whoo-oo-oo-oo!
739
00:59:04,041 --> 00:59:06,293
Whoo-oo-oo-oo!
740
00:59:07,753 --> 00:59:10,338
Whoo-oo-oo-oo!
741
00:59:11,673 --> 00:59:13,842
Whoo-oo-oo-oo!
742
00:59:15,802 --> 00:59:17,179
Whoo-oo-oo-oo!
743
00:59:17,512 --> 00:59:20,140
Will you stop making
those owl noises!
744
00:59:20,474 --> 00:59:23,518
- Sorry.
- Right. Now follow me.
745
00:59:23,852 --> 00:59:26,396
(Crack) Aaaaaaaaarrrghhh!
746
00:59:28,023 --> 00:59:30,233
Rich! Rich!
747
00:59:31,443 --> 00:59:32,903
What happened?
748
00:59:33,236 --> 00:59:35,072
Candle in the eye.
749
00:59:35,405 --> 00:59:36,490
Pardon?
750
00:59:36,823 --> 00:59:39,618
Candle in the eye!
751
00:59:39,951 --> 00:59:40,786
Right-o.
752
00:59:41,953 --> 00:59:43,622
Aaaaaaaarrrrrgghh!
753
00:59:46,291 --> 00:59:48,251
(Banging and crashing)
754
00:59:49,920 --> 00:59:53,173
(Richie groans) Stop it!
Stop... it! Stop it!
755
00:59:53,507 --> 00:59:55,467
Look... look...
756
00:59:55,801 --> 01:00:00,764
Uhh! Let's get sensible, OK?!
757
01:00:01,098 --> 01:00:03,183
Come on, it's this way.
758
01:00:08,563 --> 01:00:10,273
Here we are. Shh!
759
01:00:22,577 --> 01:00:25,789
Right, they're fast asleep.
Get your tackle out.
760
01:00:26,123 --> 01:00:27,833
I beg your pardon?
761
01:00:28,166 --> 01:00:29,793
Hand me your rod.
762
01:00:30,127 --> 01:00:32,587
- Huh?
- The fishing rod.
763
01:00:32,921 --> 01:00:34,756
Oh! Right-o.
764
01:00:43,390 --> 01:00:46,351
Here we go. (Laughs)
765
01:00:46,685 --> 01:00:47,769
Shh!
766
01:00:58,572 --> 01:00:59,948
Oh-oh-oh...!
767
01:01:04,828 --> 01:01:06,621
Got it.
768
01:01:18,133 --> 01:01:20,802
He's got a tight grip on it.
769
01:01:27,601 --> 01:01:29,519
(Straining)
770
01:01:44,659 --> 01:01:46,870
Ah! Ooh...
771
01:01:47,162 --> 01:01:48,914
You're gonna have to help.
772
01:01:49,247 --> 01:01:50,999
Right you are.
773
01:01:53,210 --> 01:01:55,795
Cor! You got a whopper there.
774
01:01:56,129 --> 01:01:59,549
Why, thank you, Eddie.
Must be all the excitement.
775
01:02:03,470 --> 01:02:08,183
Oh, yeah...
Lady Diana, Princess of Wales...
776
01:02:08,516 --> 01:02:10,477
Smack me up, you bitch.
777
01:02:10,810 --> 01:02:12,646
(Both strain)
778
01:02:14,522 --> 01:02:16,024
(Bonk)
779
01:02:19,653 --> 01:02:21,363
(Richie) Ooh! Ooh!
780
01:02:22,322 --> 01:02:23,615
(Bonk)
781
01:02:25,325 --> 01:02:26,243
(Bonk)
782
01:02:26,576 --> 01:02:28,954
Unh! Come on!
783
01:02:36,211 --> 01:02:37,545
Oh!
784
01:02:39,005 --> 01:02:41,383
(Doorbell rings)
785
01:02:41,716 --> 01:02:43,093
Who's that?
786
01:02:43,426 --> 01:02:45,136
Someone ringing the doorbell.
787
01:02:45,470 --> 01:02:46,763
I think you're right.
788
01:02:47,097 --> 01:02:49,933
See what they want
before they wake everyone.
789
01:02:50,267 --> 01:02:53,478
And Eddie, if it's the police,
claim all responsibility.
790
01:02:53,812 --> 01:02:55,939
- Right-o.
- Good man.
791
01:02:59,776 --> 01:03:01,278
(Ringing)
792
01:03:02,529 --> 01:03:04,572
I'm coming! I'm coming!
793
01:03:08,159 --> 01:03:09,828
Where's Gina Carbonara?!
794
01:03:10,161 --> 01:03:12,580
GINA! GINA!
795
01:03:18,336 --> 01:03:21,548
It's, uh, just along here,
room five. That's this one.
796
01:03:22,757 --> 01:03:25,802
OK, now, bring me
romantic supper for two
797
01:03:26,136 --> 01:03:27,887
an expensive bottle of champagne,
798
01:03:28,221 --> 01:03:31,683
otherwise you are
one dead motherfucker!
799
01:03:32,017 --> 01:03:36,021
Watch the language. We're trying
to keep this PG, all right?
800
01:03:36,354 --> 01:03:40,525
OK, excuse me, otherwise
you are one dead fatherfucker!
801
01:03:42,652 --> 01:03:44,362
I tried.
802
01:03:52,037 --> 01:03:53,330
Gino!
803
01:03:55,040 --> 01:03:56,499
(Whispers) Si.
804
01:03:56,833 --> 01:04:00,962
So, why you not turn up
at the church-a yesterday?
805
01:04:02,922 --> 01:04:07,677
You are too famous not to come
to your own-a wedding! Eh?!
806
01:04:08,887 --> 01:04:13,850
Or is poor Gino,
from Sicily, your own-a country...
807
01:04:14,184 --> 01:04:16,686
is not a-good enough for you, huh?
808
01:04:17,020 --> 01:04:18,480
Is that it?
809
01:04:20,315 --> 01:04:21,858
- Ah!
- (Sobs)
810
01:04:39,042 --> 01:04:40,502
Gina...
811
01:04:40,835 --> 01:04:44,214
You know why I didn't come.
812
01:04:44,547 --> 01:04:47,759
How can I know?
You never tell me anything.
813
01:04:48,093 --> 01:04:52,806
Because the night before the wedding
you sleep with all three bridesmaids.
814
01:04:54,057 --> 01:04:57,018
But at the time I wasn't-a married!
815
01:04:57,352 --> 01:04:59,145
I was a free Gino!
816
01:04:59,479 --> 01:05:02,649
Gina... Per favore, Gina...
817
01:05:02,982 --> 01:05:07,153
Gina... Gina... Amore...
818
01:05:07,487 --> 01:05:10,365
Gina, per favore, amore.
819
01:05:29,801 --> 01:05:31,344
Amore, bambina...
820
01:05:31,678 --> 01:05:37,267
I do not want-a to spend another
moment of my life without you, huh?
821
01:05:37,600 --> 01:05:40,895
Do you have-a your
wedding dress with you?
822
01:05:42,647 --> 01:05:48,069
Why don't you put it on
for me, for Gino?
823
01:05:48,403 --> 01:05:50,822
So we can-a marry ourself, huh?
824
01:05:51,156 --> 01:05:53,408
- (Knock at door)
- Si!
825
01:05:53,741 --> 01:05:55,410
(Eddie) Room service!
826
01:06:00,290 --> 01:06:01,749
(Gasps)
827
01:06:02,083 --> 01:06:03,710
- Gino?
- Si?!
828
01:06:04,043 --> 01:06:05,462
Look.
829
01:06:06,629 --> 01:06:09,507
Yes, it's-a very beautiful.
Put it on!
830
01:06:13,845 --> 01:06:16,848
Do you know a nice bordello
around here?
831
01:06:18,808 --> 01:06:23,897
You find-a me some girls, pretty girls,
and you put them in another room for me.
832
01:06:26,608 --> 01:06:29,027
He's bad!
833
01:06:31,321 --> 01:06:35,241
The boyfriend?
Why didn't she tell me he was coming?
834
01:06:40,580 --> 01:06:43,082
Ah... Leading me on.
835
01:06:44,751 --> 01:06:46,503
The brazen hussy.
836
01:06:47,670 --> 01:06:49,839
She was just using me...
837
01:06:51,049 --> 01:06:53,218
before she tied the knot.
838
01:06:53,551 --> 01:06:58,223
Just one last little bit
of love exercise.
839
01:06:58,556 --> 01:07:00,725
Which didn't come off.
840
01:07:02,227 --> 01:07:04,646
Like these blasted pants.
841
01:07:06,022 --> 01:07:08,233
Oh, that reminds me! Oh, God!
842
01:07:09,442 --> 01:07:11,569
(Door opens)
843
01:07:11,903 --> 01:07:14,072
Richie? Richie?
844
01:07:17,575 --> 01:07:19,744
(Doorbell rings)
845
01:07:33,591 --> 01:07:35,677
(Men) Evening, Eddie!
846
01:07:36,010 --> 01:07:38,304
Oh, no. Friday night.
847
01:07:38,638 --> 01:07:40,306
Yep, another shift done!
848
01:07:40,640 --> 01:07:43,893
Sorry we're late.
Had a party at the plant.
849
01:07:44,227 --> 01:07:49,148
A leaving party. Well, someone on
B shift died, so technically it was!
850
01:07:49,482 --> 01:07:52,694
(Laughing and sickly coughing)
851
01:08:39,657 --> 01:08:42,035
(Eddie) Now, look, I'm sorry, but...
852
01:08:42,368 --> 01:08:45,538
The weekly lock-in
at Guest House Paradiso!
853
01:08:45,872 --> 01:08:51,419
All right, but it'll have to be
a quick one - we've got guests.
854
01:08:51,753 --> 01:08:53,212
You've got guests?!
855
01:09:06,768 --> 01:09:08,936
All right, what'll it be?
856
01:09:22,325 --> 01:09:24,494
I feel poorly.
857
01:09:24,827 --> 01:09:26,579
(Gasps)
858
01:09:26,913 --> 01:09:30,583
Dad! Dad! Dad! Dad!
Dad, wake up!
859
01:09:30,917 --> 01:09:32,085
(Yelps)
860
01:09:32,418 --> 01:09:34,837
- What is it, Damien?
- Are you all right, darling?
861
01:09:35,171 --> 01:09:38,174
The nasty man!
He's in the cupboard!
862
01:09:38,508 --> 01:09:40,677
- What nasty man?
- The hotel man!
863
01:09:41,010 --> 01:09:43,096
You're just having a nightmare,
darling.
864
01:09:43,429 --> 01:09:44,889
But he's really in there!
865
01:09:45,223 --> 01:09:46,891
Come into bed with us.
866
01:09:47,225 --> 01:09:49,394
But he really is there...
867
01:09:49,727 --> 01:09:52,563
I'm sure you think he's in there.
868
01:09:56,150 --> 01:10:00,405
I've been having some pretty bad nightmares
about that man myself.
869
01:10:11,708 --> 01:10:14,127
I feel poorly.
870
01:10:18,089 --> 01:10:22,969
Cor, I'm glad that shift's over -
they had to give me seven showers!
871
01:10:23,302 --> 01:10:26,139
We had a bit of a leak yesterday,
872
01:10:26,472 --> 01:10:30,101
had to burn all the dead fish
from the bay.
873
01:10:30,435 --> 01:10:32,103
You probably saw the lorries.
874
01:10:32,437 --> 01:10:34,313
- Shh!
- Mmm!
875
01:10:42,655 --> 01:10:44,198
Mama mia...
876
01:10:46,826 --> 01:10:48,494
You look-a beautiful.
877
01:10:59,714 --> 01:11:01,674
(Loud whirring)
878
01:11:11,058 --> 01:11:12,685
(Grinding)
879
01:11:16,397 --> 01:11:18,149
(Whirring stops)
880
01:11:24,822 --> 01:11:28,659
And I, Gino Guiseppe
Gianluca Bolognese,
881
01:11:28,993 --> 01:11:32,705
take you,
Gina Tortellini Carbonara,
882
01:11:34,165 --> 01:11:40,296
to be my lawful wedded wife, to love
and cherish me, to serve and obey me
883
01:11:40,630 --> 01:11:42,340
till death do us part.
884
01:11:42,673 --> 01:11:43,925
Amen.
885
01:11:55,353 --> 01:11:56,813
I do.
886
01:11:57,146 --> 01:11:59,857
I now pronounce us man...
887
01:12:02,109 --> 01:12:04,237
and his woman!
888
01:12:07,323 --> 01:12:08,991
(Zip)
- No, Gino!
889
01:12:09,325 --> 01:12:10,993
No?! What do you mean?!
890
01:12:11,327 --> 01:12:15,039
You are now my woman! Everything that
belongs to you belongs to me!
891
01:12:34,642 --> 01:12:35,893
(Roars)
892
01:12:36,227 --> 01:12:41,274
You bring-a shame and dishonor
to the whole-a Bolognese family!
893
01:13:00,877 --> 01:13:02,712
No sandwiches tonight, Eddie?
894
01:13:04,130 --> 01:13:06,299
Uh...
895
01:13:07,550 --> 01:13:09,552
(Telephone rings)
896
01:13:14,265 --> 01:13:17,810
Hello...? Night... porter.
897
01:13:20,563 --> 01:13:21,939
(Sobbing)
898
01:13:22,273 --> 01:13:25,109
Where are the whores I ordered?
899
01:13:26,235 --> 01:13:28,487
I ordered three prostitutes!
900
01:13:28,821 --> 01:13:31,449
Send them to my room, I'll take them now.
901
01:13:35,870 --> 01:13:37,622
Huh? OK.
902
01:13:40,541 --> 01:13:42,209
Excuse me, gentlemen.
903
01:13:42,543 --> 01:13:44,587
(Telephone rings)
904
01:13:48,716 --> 01:13:51,093
Hello, night porter?
905
01:13:51,427 --> 01:13:52,803
(Richie) Eddie, it's me.
906
01:13:53,137 --> 01:13:56,474
I'm stuck inside
the bedside cabinet in room six.
907
01:13:57,725 --> 01:14:00,353
OK. Won't be a minute, gents.
908
01:14:03,564 --> 01:14:06,567
I'll go and get us the sandwiches.
909
01:14:10,279 --> 01:14:13,324
All I want
is what is rightfully mine!
910
01:14:14,617 --> 01:14:20,247
Gino! This was my mother's dress!
And my grandmother's before that.
911
01:14:20,581 --> 01:14:23,709
That's OK, bring them.
I'll fuck them, too!
912
01:14:24,043 --> 01:14:25,795
I am one fucky guy!
913
01:14:47,817 --> 01:14:49,485
What are you doing?
914
01:14:49,819 --> 01:14:54,240
Sorry, hotel maintenance. I have
to remove this bedside cabinet.
915
01:14:54,573 --> 01:14:57,493
- What?
- Yes, it's... got woodworm.
916
01:14:57,827 --> 01:15:00,287
But it's the middle of the night. Why do
you have to remove it now?
917
01:15:00,621 --> 01:15:03,124
It's... a fire risk.
918
01:15:03,457 --> 01:15:04,792
No, it's not.
919
01:15:06,419 --> 01:15:08,212
Yes, it is.
920
01:15:11,298 --> 01:15:14,552
See what I mean?
You can't be too careful.
921
01:15:15,761 --> 01:15:18,305
Look, there it is, there!
922
01:15:19,515 --> 01:15:21,225
(Geiger counter crackles)
923
01:15:22,435 --> 01:15:26,022
(Geiger counter crackles madly)
924
01:15:30,276 --> 01:15:34,071
Thank you so much.
Enjoy the rest of your evening.
925
01:15:41,162 --> 01:15:43,122
(Coughing and choking)
926
01:15:55,384 --> 01:15:57,928
Eddie! What the devil have you been up to?!
927
01:15:58,262 --> 01:16:02,224
I've told you before
to never, ever, ever,
928
01:16:02,558 --> 01:16:07,938
service the rooms -
till the guests - are fully - awake!
929
01:16:08,272 --> 01:16:09,940
(Eddie) Aaaaaarrrrgh!
930
01:16:12,818 --> 01:16:14,987
I'm so sorry.
931
01:16:15,321 --> 01:16:17,114
Why don't you toddle off to bed,
932
01:16:17,448 --> 01:16:21,285
while I make sure that Eddie here
doesn't trouble you again!
933
01:16:21,619 --> 01:16:23,579
No, no! That won't be necessary.
934
01:16:23,913 --> 01:16:26,123
Just don't disturb us again, please.
935
01:16:26,457 --> 01:16:28,167
We'll be checking out first
thing in the morning.
936
01:16:29,960 --> 01:16:32,004
(Belches)
937
01:16:36,050 --> 01:16:37,843
Oh, dear... (Farts)
938
01:16:40,721 --> 01:16:43,224
And here it is!
939
01:16:43,557 --> 01:16:44,975
Hur... rah.
940
01:16:45,309 --> 01:16:47,686
Eddie, all our troubles are over!
941
01:16:48,020 --> 01:16:50,523
- I'm not so sure, Richie!
- What?
942
01:16:50,856 --> 01:16:53,734
That fish in the kitchen,
where did you get it from?
943
01:16:54,068 --> 01:16:56,112
No one ate any of the fish, did they?
944
01:16:56,445 --> 01:16:57,655
Er... no.
945
01:16:57,988 --> 01:17:00,241
Good, because it's highly dangerous.
946
01:17:00,574 --> 01:17:03,452
With those kinda readings they must've come
from right next to the meltdown!
947
01:17:03,786 --> 01:17:06,455
- Shut it!
- What is going on?
948
01:17:06,789 --> 01:17:09,625
I don't know where you got that fish,
949
01:17:09,959 --> 01:17:12,378
but this hotel
is now highly contaminated!
950
01:17:12,711 --> 01:17:17,091
Thank God no one ate any
or you'd be up for 1st degree murder!
951
01:17:17,424 --> 01:17:22,346
You wanna clear this hotel
because this is not the end of this!
952
01:17:22,680 --> 01:17:25,558
This is big trouble if they find out!
953
01:17:25,891 --> 01:17:29,061
Why did you
shoot your mouth off like that?!
954
01:17:29,395 --> 01:17:31,230
We better get the Z-Squad!
955
01:17:32,314 --> 01:17:34,108
How many guests had fish?
956
01:17:35,359 --> 01:17:36,777
All of them.
957
01:17:37,111 --> 01:17:40,281
Very well, let's just pack our bags
and skedaddle!
958
01:17:43,117 --> 01:17:45,619
(Belching and liquid rumblings)
959
01:17:45,953 --> 01:17:47,413
(Farting)
960
01:17:50,291 --> 01:17:52,001
What's that noise?
961
01:17:52,334 --> 01:17:53,878
(Door opens)
962
01:17:55,588 --> 01:17:58,090
Oh! Oh, Mr. Twat!
963
01:17:58,424 --> 01:17:59,675
What is it?
964
01:18:00,009 --> 01:18:02,595
I feel rather... aughhh!
965
01:18:11,353 --> 01:18:12,188
(Belches)
966
01:18:14,064 --> 01:18:16,317
Oh, Mr. Twat, help me.
967
01:18:16,650 --> 01:18:19,278
Shut up and get back in your room,
you sad old bint!
968
01:18:25,534 --> 01:18:28,537
(Crying) Where's my mummy?
I want my mummy!
969
01:18:28,871 --> 01:18:29,788
AUGH!
970
01:18:45,095 --> 01:18:46,722
(Whispers) Come on.
971
01:18:47,056 --> 01:18:48,724
(Floor creaking)
972
01:18:55,773 --> 01:18:57,066
Oh, damn.
973
01:18:57,399 --> 01:18:58,734
(Groaning)
974
01:19:04,073 --> 01:19:05,783
(Farts) Oh, God...
975
01:19:06,116 --> 01:19:08,202
Please, you've got to help me, my
wife's being very sick.
976
01:19:14,083 --> 01:19:16,669
- Timothy...
- I'm coming, darling. I'm...
977
01:19:26,428 --> 01:19:27,930
(Gasps) What have...
978
01:19:30,182 --> 01:19:31,600
Get me a doc...
979
01:19:34,687 --> 01:19:36,689
For God's sake, get me a...
980
01:19:39,900 --> 01:19:41,610
(Groans) I can't...
981
01:19:44,697 --> 01:19:46,407
Get me a fucking...
982
01:19:49,243 --> 01:19:51,412
(Mumbles) My wife is sick, too...
983
01:19:55,749 --> 01:19:57,209
Oh, God...
984
01:19:59,128 --> 01:20:00,879
(Enormous fart)
985
01:20:01,213 --> 01:20:02,631
Oh, my God...
986
01:20:13,559 --> 01:20:15,394
(Liquid rumblings)
987
01:20:16,603 --> 01:20:18,439
(Charlene) It's coming again...
988
01:20:28,073 --> 01:20:30,743
This... is the time.
989
01:20:32,619 --> 01:20:33,996
BWEURRK!
990
01:20:35,122 --> 01:20:37,708
AUGH! BWEURK! BLEURGH!
991
01:20:38,042 --> 01:20:40,169
BLEURK! GLEURGH! AUGHH!
992
01:21:30,969 --> 01:21:32,179
No!
993
01:21:32,513 --> 01:21:35,015
Oh! I just don't have anything to wear!
994
01:21:35,349 --> 01:21:36,934
(Loud whirring)
995
01:21:37,267 --> 01:21:39,478
Oh! So that's where it got to! Uh!
996
01:21:40,854 --> 01:21:43,148
Come on, Richie,
this is no time for dancing!
997
01:21:43,482 --> 01:21:44,817
We've gotta get out of here!
998
01:21:45,150 --> 01:21:47,319
I... w-w-w-whoo! Oh!
999
01:21:47,653 --> 01:21:48,737
No!
1000
01:21:49,071 --> 01:21:50,697
(Dress tears)
1001
01:21:51,031 --> 01:21:52,825
(Liquid rumblings)
1002
01:22:02,042 --> 01:22:03,877
(Heaving)
1003
01:22:08,590 --> 01:22:10,217
(Door creaks)
1004
01:22:33,699 --> 01:22:37,453
Help! Help!
You've got to get me out of here!
1005
01:22:40,456 --> 01:22:42,791
(Gino gags)
1006
01:22:44,543 --> 01:22:46,086
Hey... Stop!
1007
01:22:47,254 --> 01:22:49,131
(Liquid rumblings)
1008
01:22:49,465 --> 01:22:50,674
Arrrrgh...
1009
01:22:52,468 --> 01:22:54,970
(Liquid rumblings)
1010
01:22:56,597 --> 01:22:59,349
Mmmnnnn!
1011
01:23:10,944 --> 01:23:13,113
- Ahhh!
- Go! Go!
1012
01:23:15,699 --> 01:23:18,911
(All) Ahhh!
1013
01:23:46,396 --> 01:23:50,776
(Gino) All I wanted was a shaaaaaaag!
1014
01:23:52,694 --> 01:23:55,405
(Buzzing and crackling)
1015
01:24:01,036 --> 01:24:02,746
(Helicopter engines)
1016
01:24:04,122 --> 01:24:06,166
(Geiger counters crackle)
1017
01:24:06,500 --> 01:24:08,460
(Tires screech and sirens wail)
1018
01:24:17,844 --> 01:24:21,431
You give me that suitcase
and I'll give you this one.
1019
01:24:21,765 --> 01:24:23,433
What's in it?
1020
01:24:25,185 --> 01:24:27,396
£10 million.
1021
01:24:28,564 --> 01:24:29,940
OK.
1022
01:24:34,236 --> 01:24:38,699
This case contains new identities
and passports for the three of you.
1023
01:24:39,032 --> 01:24:42,452
And first class plane tickets
to the Caribbean.
1024
01:24:45,872 --> 01:24:47,541
OK...
1025
01:24:52,254 --> 01:24:54,881
Sign here to say
you've never lived in England
1026
01:24:55,215 --> 01:24:59,886
or heard the words "radioactive"
and "leak", then you can go.
1027
01:25:00,220 --> 01:25:02,055
Shall we shake?
1028
01:25:04,474 --> 01:25:05,976
I'd rather not.
1029
01:25:46,266 --> 01:25:48,143
You have a very big hat.
1030
01:25:48,477 --> 01:25:50,937
Well, you're a very attractive bird.
1031
01:25:53,065 --> 01:25:54,858
Calm - down - Richie!
1032
01:25:56,985 --> 01:25:59,529
He's got a tight grip on it.
1033
01:25:59,863 --> 01:26:02,824
Candle in the eye!
1034
01:26:03,158 --> 01:26:03,992
Righto.
1035
01:26:05,160 --> 01:26:06,370
Aaaaaarrrggghh!
1036
01:26:15,671 --> 01:26:17,422
(All laugh)
1037
01:26:17,756 --> 01:26:20,425
Thank you so much for killing
my awful boyfriend
1038
01:26:20,759 --> 01:26:22,469
by radioactive fish poisoning.
1039
01:26:22,803 --> 01:26:25,263
How lucky that he was the only fatality.
1040
01:26:25,597 --> 01:26:26,723
Yes.
1041
01:26:27,057 --> 01:26:30,977
Otherwise there'd be a moral
question mark over hanging our escape.
1042
01:26:31,311 --> 01:26:34,147
I don't think I will ever be
able to repay you.
1043
01:26:34,481 --> 01:26:37,693
Oh, I don't know.
It's my turn, isn't it?
1044
01:26:38,026 --> 01:26:39,986
Yes, of course it is.
73473
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