All language subtitles for Abbott_Costello S01E03 Jail.DVDRip.NonHI.en.e-One

What do you always
got to hide my face for?

Stop.

Here, hold these.

I'm going across the
street to that greenhouse

to buy some more.

You're going to that
greenhouse? Where?

Right across the street there.

That's a white house over there.

That's the greenhouse.

How can that white
house be a greenhouse?

That is the greenhouse.

How can it be a greenhouse
if it's painted white?

What is the difference
how it's painted?

If it was painted red, it
would still be a greenhouse.

You mean if that
house was painted red

it would be a greenhouse?

Well, sure!

- Suppose it was painted blue.
- It would still be a greenhouse.

- Let me smell your breath.
- Oh, stop that.

Ladies and gentlemen, I
want you to listen very carefully

to the next lines
that Mr. Abbott reads,

because here hangs
the plot of the entire story.

Take these flowers and
plant them in the backyard,

and don't get in to any trouble.

Was that not a
beautiful reading?

Hey, Louis!

What do you got?

I just make nice cakes this
morning from my bakery shop.

Oh, boy. I was going
to have breakfast, too.

Well, you're lucky. I was going to
save you a trip to the restaurant.

Oh, good.

- You like maybe pineapple?
- Yeah.

- You try it.
- Oh, thank you.

- That's nice.
- That's pretty good pineapple.

Hey, maybe you like
chocolate. You like chocolate?

- I'll try it.
- Nice chocolate, eh?

No.

Oh.

Maybe you like coconut, eh?

That's too fattening this here.

- Too fattening?
- Yeah.

Don't worry. My cake
is not make you fat.

- I'll try it.
- It's a coconut.

- Here, you want that?
- Let it here. It's all right.

Mmm.

Huh?

- I think that's enough.
- That's enough?

Yeah.

What's the matter?
You got no time?

Not now. See you later.

- Just a minute, please.
- What?

- You eat three cakes.
- Yeah?

You owe me 30 cents.

I ain't got no money!

No money?

No money?

Why did you eat the cake
if you don't got no money?

I didn't have any money. So?

That's the biggest
joke on me, huh?

Maybe you like the lemon pie?

Oh, I ain't got no
money, Mr. Bacciagalupe.

Well, no worry. You nice, Lou.

We friends a long time.

I going to give you
lemon pie for nothing.

Oh, thank you!

- You take, eh?
- Yeah! Yeah!

Oh!

Pie costs you 60 cents. I
heard Mr. Bacciagalupe.

You're nothing but a hack.

Hello.

- Were you addressing me?
- I'm not...

Why, I don't even know you!

You certainly have your nerve.

How dare you speak to a
single girl you don't even know,

a 19-year-old girl who lives all
by herself at 106 Maple Street

on the second
floor, apartment 2B,

and doesn't even
have a steady boyfriend

and loves to go dancing

and is home almost
every evening all by herself

and whose telephone
number's cross view 64805.

My card.

Fresh!

I thought it was you!

Oh!

You thought you'd get
away with it, did you?

Well, I'll teach
you a thing or two!

Now, you just stop
hitting me on the head!

I'm getting annoyed!

Oh, I've made a mistake.
You're the wrong man.

And sorry. I apologize to you. I
thought you were my husband.

Even if I was your husband,

what right you got to hit me
on the head with an umbrella?

What business is it of yours
how I treat my husband?

I'll teach ya who to beat up!

♪ La la la la la la ♪

Louis?

Oh, Louis, would you mind
coming over here a minute?

Sure.

Louis, would you put
some oil on my back?

Oh, sure.

Obliging.

That's me all over.

Just put it on my
back and shoulders.

You want me to put
this oil on your back?

Yes, please.

This is ridiculous.

Don't pour it on. Rub it on.

That's why I said it
was ridiculous. Okay.

Hold this. Thank you.

I like to do this.

Oh, that's fine, Louis. Fine.

Not so hard.

- Is that nice?
- Mm-hmm.

- Nice and gently?
- Mm-hmm.

- How's that?
- Fine.

- Hillary?
- Yes?

Are you coming out
tomorrow the same time?

- Yes, uh-huh.
- For another sun bath?

Uh-huh.

Can I put some
more oil on your back?

That's a deal. Tomorrow, when
I come out to take a sun bath,

you can put some oil on my back.

If it's all right with you tomorrow,
can I take my gloves off?

Be careful.

You have me in a gog.

Hold that, will you?

There you are,
Louis. Thanks again.

You're welcome.

Louis!

- Sorry.
- Oh, you!

I'm sorry.

I didn't know.

You didn't know. You never
know. That's the trouble with you.

Now look what you've done.
You've ruined my sunsuit.

- I'll buy you another one.
- With what?

I'll have to do it with the
allowance I get from my candy.

Oh, you!

Think of me.

I won't have no
candy for a month.

You and your big nozzle!

Wait till I get dried off.

I'm sorry!

What are you trying to
do, play fireman, Hillary?

It ain't going to
get you no place.

What right have you got to
be bigger than the other ones?

Hey, Lou!

Hey, Lou!

What are you doing?

I'm picking oranges for Hillary.
I want to make up with her.

Oh. Listen.

- Hey!
- What's the matter?

I must be a magician.

I'm making these
oranges disappear.

Now, never mind the oranges.

I'm telling you, every time I go
to pick an orange, it disappears.

Disappears?

Oh, that's nothing but
crows. Crows love oranges.

Are you kidding? Certainly.

A crow is doing that?

Oh, there may be a
mess of crows up in there.

Go get my sawed-off shotgun.

Don't go away,
crow. I'll get you.

Hey, what kind of a
sawed-off shotgun is that?

How do you like that? I
sawed it off at the wrong end.

- Hey.
- Uh-oh.

Does crows sound like that?

Yeah. That was
a crow, all right.

Mrs. Crumbcake you shot.

I'll see you south
of the border.

No, you don't.

- See what happened.
- Hold that.

Go see what happened.

- You shot me out of this tree!
- Hello, Mrs. Crumbcake.

How dare you shoot at me

when I'm up in the
tree gathering oranges!

I mean, after all, that'll teach
you enough to steal my oranges.

- Your oranges?
- Yes.

For your information, this
tree hangs over into my yard,

and the law says

that anything that hangs
over my fence belongs to me!

Is she right, Abbott?

Wait a minute, Mrs. Crumbcake.
Did you ever see a fat man at a bar?

Yes, what about it?

Well, the part that
hangs over the bar,

does that belong
to the bartender?

Quiet!

Mrs. Crumbcake, I don't see where
any serious damage has been done,

and Lou will apologize for
anything that he has done.

- What do you mean, "apologize"?
- Stop fighting with the lady!

I'm not fighting with her.

In my days, men never
fought with women.

In your days, men were too
busy fighting with the Indians!

Quiet!

Mrs. Crumbcake, I can't see
where any serious damage

has been done
outside of your pride.

Oh, is that so?

Well, let me show you.

You perforated my bucket!

I perforated her bucket.

How much does a
little thing like this cost?

79 cents, including sales tax.

- I think we'll have to pay it.
- No, you don't.

You'll make no cash settlement

until we consult a
competent attorney.

Okay.

For your information, I'm going in
the house and calling my lawyer!

Go call him! We'll
see you in court!

You bet you will!

I'll charge you with slander!

I'll charge you with
assault and battery!

I'll charge you with
attempted murder!

Why, before I'm through with
you, this case will cost you $5,000!

Now what have you got to say?

You can charge that, too.

Aah!

Come on. We'll see my attorney.

Wait a minute. I thought
your attorney was in jail.

He got out this
morning. He's smart.

Come on.

Abbott, why don't you let me
pay Mrs. Crumbcake the 79 cents?

What? And give
up all the principles

that Patrick Henry,
Thomas Jefferson,

and Benjamin
Franklin fought for?

You mean they all perforated
Mrs. Crumbcake's bucket, too?

Never mind.

We're going down
to see my lawyer.

- Come on.
- Here we go.

Mister attorney, now
that you have the facts,

do you think you can help
this poor, unfortunate boy?

Well, certainly. Mr. Costello,
you know what I'm going to do?

The first thing I'm going to do is
slap on a writ of habeas corpus,

then a writ of certiorari

and then I'll slap on
a writ of mandamus.

That's good.

Well, it's not good for you,
but I just love to put on the writs.

- Let's get out of here.
- What's the matter with you?

This guy's a half-writ.

He's one of the slickest
attorneys in town.

You bet I am.

I promise you that
I'll get you out of jail.

Yeah?

The minute your sentence is up.

You pick some lulus, brother.

My boy, do you know
what I'm going to do with you

when I get you in court?

- Tell him.
- Oh, this is wonderful.

First I'll put you on the
witness stand all by yourself,

and I'll show the judge
your peculiar dilemma.

Then I'll drag all your
antecedents into the courtroom,

and I'll expose your
entire background,

and then, my boy,
then I will split your plea,

and I'll drop your
briefs in front of the jury.

You wouldn't dare. You
haven't got the nerve.

Mr. Sidney? Mr. Sidney?

Yes? What is it,
Clarence, my boy?

Would you mind giving me

the papers on the Bradley case?

Well, of course, my
boy. You bet your life.

- There you are, Clarence.
- Thank you.

You're welcome, my lad.

Who's that?

Oh, that's just a young
lawyer friend of mine.

You see, he can't
afford to rent an office

so he rents drawer
space in my desk here.

This is one lawyer that
is not going to defend me!

You are not going to defend me!

Your Honor, this case is very
simple, almost as simple as my client.

Look at him sitting over there.

What does he look like to you?

Why, he looks to me like...

I think I need new glasses.

Abbott, I don't think
this judge likes me.

Will you please let me pay the
79 cents and get out of here?

Are you crazy?

You pay Mrs.
Crumbcake that 79 cents,

you're admitting your guilt!

I want you to fight this
thing. Fight it right through.

I want you to walk out
of here with clean hands.

If I listen to you,
I'll be all washed up.

Any more loud talking
in this courtroom,

and I shall order
you both to leave.

Well, Abbott, my
boy, what do you say?

Is everything all
right with you?

Come on.

Mr. Costello, take
the witness chair.

Take the chair.

Hear, hear!

- Where are you going?
- You told me to take the chair.

Put it down!

Will the defendant
take off his hat?

Will the defendant
take off his hat?

Come on, folks.
You heard the judge.

Whose ever wearing
a hat, take it off!

You!

Will you please
take off your hat?

I didn't see it.

Sit down!

Proceed counsel.

Your Honor, it seems
that my client here

took a sawed-off shotgun,
he aimed at a woman,

a poor, unfortunate woman
up in a tree picking oranges.

He fired that weapon,

knocked that poor, misguided
woman to the ground,

causing her great bodily injury
and perforating her bucket.

The defense rests, Your Honor.

Whose side are you on?

You're supposed
to be my attorney!

Look, Your Honor. I mean,
after all, Mrs. Crumbcake,

the woman that is suing me for
the 79 cents, she's not even here!

I think this case... I think
the whole thing is dishonest.

Are you intermitting that
this is not an honest court?

Well, I mean, after all, if she
ain't here, what kind of case...

Quiet!

I'll have you to understand

that anyone appearing before
me in this court gets justice

or my name isn't Judge
Henry Joe Crumbcake.

Oh.

That's Crumbcake? Yes, Sir!

That's Judge Crumbcake!
That's Judge Crumbcake!

Quiet!

Counsel, have you
anything more to say

before I find the
defendant guilty?

Your Honor, on
behalf of my client here,

I plead insanity.

This guy's killing me, Abbott!

What are you
pleading insanity for?

What's wrong with that?

I'm not crazy!

Shh! That's the law, my boy!

I'm taking advantage
of the insanity clause!

What's Santa Claus
got to do with this?

He don't come till December!

Will the defendant
step up to the bar?

It's awful nice of you,
Judge, but I don't drink.

Step up before the bench.

I wish he'd make up his mind.

Abbott, pay the
money. Let me get out.

Step up to the bench!

Yes, Sir.

I'm sorry, my boy.

Ah, the breaks just
went against us, I guess.

The court finds the
defendant guilty as charged.

You won't give me
the chair, will you?

I'm so young.

I hereby order you to pay
the plaintiff the 79 cents

or serve 30 days in jail.

Did you hear that, Abbott?

All I got to do is pay the
79 cents, and I'm free.

Why, you ungrateful ingrate.

What are you trying to do,
ruin this man's reputation?

My boy, this case isn't lost
yet! We'll take it to a higher court!

I don't want to go upstairs.

All I'm going to do
is pay the 79 cents.

Oh, Costello, please. I
appeal to you, my boy.

I appeal to you as a man.

You don't even appeal
to me as a woman.

And remember the
words of that famous poet.

"Stone walls do not a prison
make, nor iron bars a cage."

And don't forget the words of
that great poet, Judge Crumbcake.

"30 days has September,
April, June, and Lou Costello."

Hey, Abbott!

Hey, Abbott!

Shh!

Hey, Abbott, get me
out of here, will you?

The whole place
is filled with rats.

What are you worrying
about? I'm here.

It's the little
rats I'm afraid of.

Don't worry about a thing.

My attorney will get you out
of here if it takes him 20 years.

What does he care about time?

- He's on the ball, isn't he?
- You're telling me.

- I'll go and talk to him.
- Yeah.

Don't go away.

Hiya, partner.

- Oh. Were you addressing me?
- Yes, Sir.

Thank you, Sir. Thank you.

Those are the first kind
words I've heard in years.

You see, Sir, I wasn't always a
dirty, filthy, scurvy bum like you.

Mine is rather a sad story.
Would you like to hear it?

No, Sir.

Well, then, I'll tell it to you.

You see, it began many years
ago, when I was just a little boy.

My father gave me the
benefit of a good education...

14 years of grade
school, preparatory school,

college, and UCLA.

Did you go to school, Sir?

Oh, yes, Sir.

You passed your examinations?

No, Sir, but I was first on
the list of those who failed.

Childhood.

Well, then I met her.

She was young.
She was beautiful.

She was desirable.

A girl?

A girl! Of course she's a
girl! She was wonderful!

She was like a flower blooming
fragrantly in the garden of youth!

And then one day, God
and His infinite mercy

smiled down on us.

A little bundle of pink
and white. A baby boy.

I worked harder than
ever, and then one day...

- A little baby boy?
- Yes.

- A little one?
- A little boy.

- Did he have blue eyes?
- Yes.

- And brown hair?
- Yes.

- And was he a little fat fella?
- Yes.

Daddy.

I was kidding. Go ahead.

My boy, I worked day and night,

and then one day,
he came in to my life.

He was an actor,
broken in health and spirit.

I took him into my home. I said,
"Make my home your home."

And he did.

You were a fool.

Yes, I was a fool.

It was one day when I returned
from my work, it was my want,

I called to her, "Mary? Mary?"

Strangely, there was no answer.

"Mary?"

She was out.

Mary?

- Mary?
- Mary?

- Mary?
- Mary?

- Mary!
- Hey, Mary!

- Mary?
- Hey, Abbott!

Mary!

Mary!

She was gone.

She was gone!

My wife, my baby,
and the stranger...

they were gone.

What are you laughing at?

Then began a search
that lasted for years.

I was only 21 days behind them

as they boarded the united fruit
line steamer for Buenos Aires.

15 days at Rio de Janeiro, 5
days at the island of Madagascar,

2 1/2 days at the
Cape of Good Hope,

7 hours at Port Said, Egypt,

and then one day at the
gates of Calcutta I found him.

I was just about to
pounce upon him,

just about to tear
him limb from limb,

when my weakened condition,

aggravated by the pitiless
rays of the tropical sun...

Well, it just proved
too good an obstacle.

I sank on the heap in the sands,
and when I regained consciousness,

he was gone.

Then began a search all
through the capitals of Europe...

Rome, Milan, Paris, Moscow,
Berlin, across the channel to London,

then across the Atlantic
and back to America.

New York, Pittsburgh,
Chicago, Milwaukee.

- Paterson.
- Paterson?

- New Jersey.
- And then Niagara Falls.

Finally, at Niagara
Falls I found him again.

He was standing there
with his back to the falls,

all eternity behind him

and retribution finally
staring him in the face.

When I saw him standing there,
the man who had ruined my life,

the man who had stolen
my wife and my baby,

the man who had made
of me a miserable wanderer

over half the face of the earth!

When I saw him standing,

all the pit of emotion of years
of suffering welled up within me

and with murder in my heart.

Slowly I...

Step by step,

step by step, I crept upon him,

and when I felt his hot
breath on my cheek, I start...

Aah!

Knock it off! Knock it off!

Knock it off! Knock it off!

I give up!

Hey, you're the gentleman
with the kind face.

What are you trying to do to me?

Excuse me, I... I forgot myself.

I'm so weak.

It's no fault.

I'd have done the same thing

if I'd have caught the
guy at Niagara Falls.

Niagara Falls!

I had to open my big mouth.

When I saw him
standing there, slowly...

I'm gonna get it again.

Abbott!

Abbott! Abbott!

Abbott!

Oh, gee.

Sorry.

Cut it out.

Never again will
I say that word.

What word?

That word that gives
you off your bean there.

What word do you mean?

That word, way up
there in New York state,

where everybody goes
when they get married.

Where do they go?

Up...

You think I'm
going to say it, huh?

Well, I ain't going to say the
word you think I'm going to say.

What word are you talking about?

Go ahead. Try and make
me say “Niagara Falls."

Niagara Falls!

Slowly...

Hey! Hold it!

Okay!

Okay!

- What are you doing there?
- Get me out!

Get me out!

What's the matter?
What are you doing there?

If you're tired, why
don't you lie down?

Ah, you!

Look, all you got...

Just say “Niagara
Falls" to this guy.

Niagara Falls!

I'm going to put
you in a different cell.

No, you don't. This boy is free.

Free?

Told you I'd get you out,
my boy. You're free as a bird.

Well, he's all yours.

Wait a minute. One
thing more, my lad.

- For you.
- Oh. For me, eh?

Yep.

A bill.

$300.79?

What is the 79 cents for?

Well, somebody's got to pay
for Mrs. Crumbcake's bucket.

Take it easy, Lou.

- May I see you, mister attorney?
- Well, of course, my boy.

- Step right over here.
- What's on your mind?

How would you like
to have another client?

- Of course.
- Look at that client in there.

- Isn't he an ugly, broken soul?
- Well, I suppose so.

- Well, why don't you take his case?
- I don't know a thing about him.

Who is he? Where's he from?

Niagara Falls?

Niagara Falls!

Aaah!

Now, aren't you sorry?

Sorry about what?

Sorry for the
things that you say

and get yourself in
trouble all the time.

What did I say?

Niagara Falls.

Niagara Falls!

That's the place...

That's the word that
gets me with the emotion

that is pent up inside of me!

I will never forget when
that fella came to my home!

I bade him to enter,
and enter he did!

Not by the front door, mind you,

but by the rear door
he came in to my house

and took away my children
and my wife and everybody else!

My mother-in-law!

And not only that, but I
followed him all over the country.

I followed him first to
Paterson, New Jersey,

Passaic, New Jersey,
Nutley, New Jersey,

Bellefield, New Jersey.

Then we went to another state.

We went into Ohio,
Cleveland, Detroit,

and then I found the
stupe in Steubenville, Ohio.

That's where I met him, right
by the gates of Steubenville!

Niagara Falls!

Slowly...

Step by step.

Step by step,

with the pent-up
emotion inside of me,

I was getting cl...

I'm sorry.

- Good night, folks.
- Good night.