All language subtitles for The Man From U.N.C.L.E. S02E17 The Deadly Goddess Affair

Effendi. Tabouret
for one, effendi?

Two, three, four?

Private booth behind bead curtain
with personnel hubble-bubble?

In a moment.

Ah. Effendi.

Hmm. Marvelous, Malik.

You are a great artist.

Heh. Thank you, effendi.

Colonel Hubris?

This way, please.

Oh! Terribly clumsy. I'm sorry.

You're late, Hamid.

Sorry, colonel. It took much
longer to decode than I thought.

Our instructions
from Thrush Central.

Open Channel D.

Next voice you hear will be
the sound of Colonel Hubris.

Is that sound all right?

There's interference.

Sort of jangling.

It's the bracelets
of the belly dancer.

I'll shoo her away.

Gentlemen, it is my
pleasure to inform you...

Africa is virtually ours.

Thrush is sending
immediately by special courier...

the complete plans
and $10 million in cash.

But how, colonel, how?

Ah.

The special courier is robot
plane direct from New York.

It will fly to my
house in the country.

When it is overhead I
trigger it and it ejects...

and parachutes down a pouch
containing the plans and the money.

Falls into our arms, the
plane blows itself up in mid-air.

Isn't that simple?

Ha-ha. You are a genius.

Trigger the plane, colonel? How?

Mmm.

With this.

The only such device
in the entire world.

For once, we have
U.N.C.L.E. flummoxed.

From this moment on, nothing
about our African venture can go awry.

In a matter of weeks, the
continent will belong to Thrush alone.

And that's the device, sir.

Quite a job it was too...

obtaining the blueprints,
building a duplicate.

It's been a delightful evening. It's
always a pleasure to come here.

- With the compliments of the house.
- Thank you.

Hamid, you really should pay
closer attention to your appearance.

- Effendi?
- Hmm?

That's a microphone, Hamid.

I didn't put it there,
colonel. I don't know where...

Someone must
have planted it on me.

Ohhh.

Too bad. Now they
know we're on to them.

Does this mean they'll
change their plans?

I doubt it.

It's taken months to
set up this operation.

As long as they don't
know we have this...

I think they'd still believe
they're in no particular danger.

What's happening, Mr. Solo?

There appears to
be an altercation.

Oh, Hamid, why did you do it?

Just when I thought I had
someone near me who I could trust.

Malik, you know what to do.

Colonel, I swear...

Goodbye, traitor.
Enjoy your journey.

They do say getting
there is half the fun.

To reach North Africa, the robot
plane must use this trajectory...

and begin to descend
over this island.

And when it does, you
will be there, with this.

- To bring it down over the island.
- And recover that pouch.

Mr. Solo will join you there. So
proceed with all haste, Mr. Kuryakin.

- And what's the name of the place, sir?
- The Isle of Circe.

And be careful.

Circe, in her own day, was well
known for turning men into swine.

You don't suppose
girls here still do it?

Patron.

That enchantress over
there, is that an old boyfriend?

- Old boyfriend?
- Yeah.

Mia and her sister cannot
even afford new boyfriends.

Their father, the count,
can give them no dowry.

Dowry.

That's an old European
custom I approve of.

Paying the men
to marry the girls.

So much poverty,
signor, too much taxes.

Whoa, oh, oh.
Ha-ha. Whoa, oh, oh!

Grazie, signor, grazie.

What's a nice girl like you
doing with the pig like that?

Ahem. Who'd want a dowry
with a lovely girl like this?

Any American
wouldn't ask for a penny.

On the contrary.

- Did I do something wrong or...?
- I do not know, signor.

Mia and her sister Angela
speak perfect English.

It may only have been
the shock of your statement.

The men here would not dream
of marriage without a dowry.

It's a terrible
thing to be poor.

If it were not for that, I would
marry them both, myself.

What is this? Flirting
with those strangers.

- I wasn't flirting.
- I saw you.

What did he say to
you? Did he insult you?

He was very nice.
He caught the pig.

- You have many police here?
- Oh, no, no, just Luca. He's all alone.

What are they doing here?
Nobody comes to Circe.

He has nothing to do.

- Maybe they're American gangsters.
- They're tourists.

Hey, did you know Americans
don't need dowries to marry a girl?

I'd marry you without
a dowry any time. Now.

What good does that do?

You know we can't get
married before Angela does.

She's the oldest.

You people on this island
with your ridiculous traditions.

The island has many ruins,
signors, from Roman times.

The famous grotto of Circe
and that temple up there...

or what's left of it.

Luca was sent here to stop people
from selling antiques to tourists.

And he has done
his job, alas, too well.

Could I show you the
famous grotto down below?

Very beautiful.

Where the Roman
empresses had their parties.

Well, it's a little early
for that sort of thing.

However, up there we could
see everything, couldn't we?

Oh, no, no, no one
ever goes there, signor.

Except a stray pig or a goat.

Well, I can't think of
more interesting company.

- Can you?
- My favorite.

Thank you, signor.

It's Mr. Waverly's alert.

Let's take the call in our room.

Let's go.

Now, be careful.

I told them smuggling antiques
on the island was illegal...

but you may still manage it.

Don't let Luca see that
thing, whatever you do.

- Where are they?
- The room at the head of the stairs.

Now, hurry.

The robot plane was
dispatched on schedule.

It should be over the island at 1300
hours, your time. Understand that?

Right, 1300, sir.

We're tracking it
every inch of the way.

If there's the slightest
divergence, I'll let you know.

Right, sir.

- Yes?
- Please, may I show you something, yes?

A guaranteed antique from
the grotto of Circe. Very special.

We're just going
out. Another time.

What other time? - This evening.

But in the evening,
the carabinieri is here.

It is very lovely, I show you.

- It's Circe herself. With pigs.
- Yes, I'm sure.

It's most lifelike but
later. Excuse me.

- Papa. Papa, are you there?
- Yes, yes.

What have you been doing,
Papa? I looked everywhere for you.

Oh, Papa. Not again.

What if Luca should see
you? Put it back in the grotto.

Yeah.

It's nearly time.

Let's get over in the ruins.
We'll be out of sight there.

It seems that even the Romans
were defeated by their own grammar.

"Killroy loves Gina."
Oh, that's better.

I think we've stumbled
on the local lover's lane.

Just as long as they don't
start lovering now, it'll be all right.

Aha. I was right.

That equipment. They
are smugglers. They are.

They're probably
signaling a boat.

"Baudoin loves Berengaria."

But that must date
from the Crusades.

I never thought those
boys got this far south.

As any girl can testify,
boys get everywhere.

My first arrest.

Now maybe I get promotion
instead of being transferred.

And we can be married.

No. There is still Angela.

I can't marry before
her. She's the oldest.

We cannot wait forever on
Angela. She'll never find a suitor.

- Yes?
- Mr. Solo?

You may begin your countdown at
the number 25, as I give you the signal.

At zero, the plane should
be over your position.

At that moment,
press the trigger.

You ready? SOLO: Yes.

Twenty-seven, 26.

Twenty-five, 24, 23, 22...

Eighteen, 17...

It's a man like me, Luca, who
doesn't care about money...

who would marry a
girl without a dowry.

Fifteen, 14...

Oh, Mia, I worship you.

Only a man who
doesn't need a dowry.

Yes, you are right.

Come, Luca. Come and do
your duty as an officer of the law.

Arrest those men, now. But
gently, my darling, be gentle.

- Twelve, 11, 10, nine, eight...
- Whoops.

Hands up, smugglers.
You are under arrest.

- Three, two...
- Ah!

- It's gone.
- What?

It's gone. The plane
has disappeared.

- It can't disappear, effendi.
- It has disappeared.

Ten million dollars lost at sea.

No, look, effendi, look.
It disappeared over land.

- There's no land there.
- Yes, yes, there is. Look, look, effendi.

It is the island of Circe.

The island of Circe?

Yes, yes, an accident.
But there's still a...

No.

That was no accident.

That was done on purpose.

By whom?

U.N.C.L.E.

Prisoners, halt.

The first jail I've seen
bedecked with flowers.

Thrush is going to
be landing any minute.

We've got to find that
pouch before they do.

Left face.

Forward march.

At the café, I heard you say
Americans don't believe in dowries.

You would marry without one?

I'm sorry, we're only allowed to give
our name, rank, and serial number.

You do believe in marriage?

In moderation.

Why? Is this a proposal?

Exactly. We need a husband.

Both of you? That's bigamy.

It is my sister who is
desirous of marrying.

And we propose she have
her choice of either one of you.

She has her choice?
What about us?

You'll do as you're told or
you'll never be heard of again.

I don't argue with city hall.

- Mia?
- Shh. Not a word.

Take down your
hands. Luca, the gun.

Oh. Guests. Why didn't
you tell me? The way I look.

Well, you look perfectly
charming, signorina.

How do you do?

Napoleon Solo, signorina.

At your service.

Huh? Oh. Uh, at your...
Ahem. At your service.

Illya Kuryakin. Likewise.

Won't you please sit
down? May I offer you...?

Angela, the gentlemen
are in a terrible hurry.

They have something
to say to you.

- We do?
- To me?

Go ahead, gentlemen.
Don't be shy.

Uh... Yes. Ahem.

Mr. Kuryakin and I have
come all the way from America.

Looking for something.

What could we have on the island of
Circe that you do not have in America?

They are here looking
for a wife, Angela.

Yes, they came to me and
they said, "We want a wife."

A good, simple woman
of noble parentage.

And I said I know just the girl.

That's why they are here, Angela.
They seek your hand in marriage.

Which one will you take?

Uh... Heh.

Patron.

- Colonel Hubris, yes?
- Yes, we will be five.

I have just received your wire.

The entire top floor is at
your disposal, colonel...

except for one room,
rented to the Americans.

Americans?

Oh, it will not disturb
you, colonel. I'm sure of it.

Americans.

What did I tell you, Malik?

These Americans, hmm? - Yes.

Friends of yours?

Yes.

I hope you won't forget
that this is an island...

and that you can't leave
without my knowing it.

My sister has made up her mind,
gentlemen, to marry one of you.

I'm not sure.

We don't know one another.
Marriage is a serious step.

We should take time to get to
know one another's interests...

We agree, completely.

As they say, wed in
haste, repent at leisure.

Do they not also say, never do
tomorrow what you can do today?

But I never dreamt I'd
have a choice of suitors.

It is difficult to decide such a
thing on the spur of the moment.

You've had 15 minutes.

Well, I do have to
think of our family.

Please, Angela. Don't be a fool.

There may never be
another chance like this.

He does seem very sincere.

And I do think Mr. Solo
would make a good father.

Oh, he would.

I must admit that beside Mr. Napoleon
Solo, I am a reckless flibbertigibbet.

Well, may I be the first to
congratulate both of you.

You are not offended?

When the better man has won? Oh.

How could I be?

Good. A double wedding.

You and Mr. Solo. Luca and
myself. Immediately? Yes.

But Papa, he must give
his consent and the priest.

- I will find Papa.
- And I will find a priest.

And my trousseau, I
cannot get it ready...

Angela, be honest.

You know your trousseau
has been ready for years.

Yes, I know.

Uh... Very well then.

- Tomorrow?
- If you like, tomorrow.

And my congratulations
to both of you.

Now, my friend and I will
repair to the nearest bistro...

and have a drink to
your happiness and his.

See you in church, Mr. Solo.

Don't leave a stone
unturned. Not a pebble.

Find them and bring
them back here alive.

With the pouch.

We hear and obey, effendi.

Live 10,000 years.

Hmm.

It must have dropped here.

Now, we stood there...

and the plane burst
into flames there.

- The parachute.
- What?

The parachute.

The pouch must have
dropped somewhere nearby.

In the water?

Effendi, the other
one must be dead.

The cliff is high and the
rocks below, they're sharp.

Why didn't you
bring me the corpse?

Effendi, what good
is a dead man?

You have plenty
of those at home.

And if you haven't, I can
always make one. It's no trouble.

The pouch, Mr. Solo, what
have you done with the pouch?

Well, I was looking for it when
your friends interrupted my search.

- Where did you find them?
- On the edge of the cliff.

Probably fell in the sea, by
now. The tide swept it out, I'd say.

Hmm.

You have not done
well this time, little Malik.

Effendi.

Well, we will search.

Take me there.

- Effendi?
- Yes.

Should I slit his throat now?

Mmm... No.

No, this one we
brainwash Thursday.

I'm curious to
see what's inside.

We have a special detergent for
brains of U.N.C.L.E. agents, Mr. Solo.

In no time, you'll come
out squeaky clean.

As long as you don't hang
me out on the line to dry.

Hang.

Hanging is old-fashioned.

The new department is
entirely in Malik's charge.

He's not only an artist
at peeling an orange...

he's an absolute genius at
cutting a man down to size.

About that size.

Effendi, sometimes even smaller.

Don't let him
belittle you, Mr. Solo.

À bientôt.

Narouz? Narouz? Could you
change me this little bill please.

A million lira? Where
did you get this?

Good afternoon, colonel.

Good afternoon, gentlemen.

You found some foolish
stranger to buy that figurine?

No, no, no, no.

- You didn't steal it?
- A Corragio steal?

I'll get someone else
to change it for me.

Good luck. Maybe you could
lend me a few thousand lira, yes?

I have a tip on an excellent
horse in the fifth race at Alexandria.

Count.

Oh.

I'm sorry. Don't let
me disturb you. Heh.

I'm allergic to oranges.
They give me the shivers.

You're very skillful with
that long, dangerous knife.

You practice a lot?

I always practice a lot...

especially when I'm about to
carve someone up in the near future.

Huh. Oh, you wouldn't to
carve me up, would you?

Why not?

In fact, I think it might
be rather interesting...

because of your excellent
musculature, Mr. Solo.

Well, that's actually
mostly my tailor's doing.

Ha-ha-ha. Your tailor?
Ha-ha-ha. That's funny.

Heh-heh-heh. That's
funny, Mr. Solo.

But I know better.

No, my only problem now is a
technical one. Where to begin?

I wish you wouldn't point
that sharp knife at me?

Are you afraid, Mr. Solo?

But I thought all
U.N.C.L.E. men were brave.

Well, I'm a throwback.

Besides, there's not only you,
there's fatso there dozing in the chair.

And the gentleman outside
in the hall, with a gun.

Oh, Mr. Solo, he
is not a gentleman.

But it is a gun.

Well, it's enough to
make any man nervous.

Especially with my friend dead
and unable to rescue me. Ahem.

I'll go find Luca. He is a carabinieri,
he can take care of whatever it is.

He can't. There's too many of
them and there isn't enough time.

Why would anyone
want to threaten Mr. Solo?

Yes, we never have
crime on this island.

Luca has been stationed
here for two years...

and he's not
arrested a living soul.

I just don't believe you.

You're making it up.

Very well.

I didn't want to tell
you the whole truth...

but Mr. Solo is in that hotel
room, threatened by those men...

because of a...

A woman.

- A woman?
- What woman?

A girl from Taormina.

And she told her father and her brothers,
five of them, that Mr. Solo had...

Now they have him under
lock and key, a gun at his head.

They're gonna take him to
Taormina and force him to...

Well, he won't be able to marry
you, signorina, if they succeed.

What do you want us to do?

No.

Here.

Something heavy has
been dragged here.

The pouch.

Signor, signor, excuse
me for a moment.

I am Count Corragio. Would
you do a small favor for me?

Please, not now.
I'm busy. Forgive me.

It's just simply to change
this little bank note.

We have no
change in our village.

I thought a gentleman like...
It's perfectly legitimate, I'm sure.

- It crackles.
- You...

You took it.

- Signor.
- What did you do with the pouch?

Signor.

- Where is he?
- Keep your voice down.

Where is my poor fiancé?

Remember, all you came
to do is change the beds.

What do you want?

The linens, signor. We've
come to change the bed.

They don't need
changing. We just got here.

It was not changed from the last
time. You would not want to get sick.

Sick?

Malik?

What is it?

The maids wanna know
if you've had mumps.

Mumps? GUARD: Or should
she put on fresh sheets?

- Have I had what?
- Mumps, signor?

Uh... You know?

The man who was in
here before, he was so ill.

His face was swollen
like a ripe watermelon.

Leave him to me.

What is going on? What is this?

- What have you done to me?
- They're terrible men.

How could you let
people like that in here?

I found the pouch in the grotto.

It was empty. No
money, no papers.

Well, $10 million is
enough to tempt anyone.

Ten million?

The question is,
who was tempted?

Ten million. Count Corragio.

Father?

- He had a million-lira
note. I saw it myself.

- Where else could he get it?
- All right, girls. Let's go find him.

Now, you took this million-lira
note out of this pouch?

- Yes, yes.
- Yeah.

Now, what did you
do with the rest of it?

I don't remember.
I can't remember.

Mr. Solo.

- We know where Papa is.
- Where?

Some fisherman saw him go
into the grotto with some men.

- Where the pouch is.
- We've got to find a boat and go.

No telling what those
men could be doing to him.

- This fisherman? You know him?
- All our lives. He wouldn't lie.

- Please, Mr. Solo, hurry.
- You go in. I'll wait out here.

- All right.
- Hurry, please.

Papa?

Papa?

Papa. There, hurry.

Papa. Papa, what is
it? What happened?

He's a stubborn fellow.

It's a problem with old people.
Maybe you'll have more luck.

I don't want to
seem melodramatic...

and I'm sorry to make you uncomfortable
because you're a really nice fellow.

But unless you tell me what you've
done with the rest of the money...

I'm going to drown
your daughters.

- Who are you?
- Please, darling, no irrelevant questions.

In the first place, they're rude, in the
second place, I wouldn't answer anyway.

No.

Mr. Solo, naughty, naughty.

Gentlemen.

As you can see,
Mr. Solo, we are not alone.

So you escaped the
good Malik's knife, huh?

- You can't get away with this.
- No?

Oh.

Why? You've got the
grotto surrounded?

What a delicious surprise.

Let the girls and the old man go.
They had nothing to do with this.

Oh. Mr. Solo, please, a little
more lightness in your speeches.

Such clichés.

Any minute, you're going to say
they went that way, I know it. Heh.

But I don't remember, I
don't know where anything is.

I would tell you if I knew.

I have often heard that avarice
is a prevalent sin with old age...

but I never thought
I'd live to see it.

Gentlemen, nature seems
to have provided us...

with the most convenient well.

Which the rising tide
should fill quite quickly.

Perhaps an old watering
place for Circe's pigs.

- Put them in there.
- What do you want with him?

He doesn't know anything. We're
poor people. We have nothing.

On the contrary, as
Mr. Solo will tell you himself...

at the moment, you
are very rich people.

- There are few richer.
- Aah!

Jack and Jill went up the
hill To fetch a pail of water

I thought you knew more
than you were telling.

Please, signor, I do nothing wrong.
I'm only a poor Lebanese orphan.

In your world, nobody
does anything wrong.

It's just how much can you get
away with without being caught, isn't it?

Well, now you're
caught, Narouz, so talk.

It's only that taxes are
so high and life is hard.

You're a smuggler.

Smuggling is strictly
against the law,

signor. I am a most
law-abiding citize... Ah.

Now, count.

Where did you get this?

I told you. I got it from there.

Good.

But the rest of it, count.

The important part of it, count.

What did you do
with that, count?

I don't know.

I don't know.

Take your time.

It won't be long, Mr. Solo, before
the tide will be up to your chin.

Oh, that's too bad.

By that time, the young
ladies will be drowned...

won't you, young ladies?

Mr. Zog, on the off
chance the old gentleman...

concealed everything
at the villa...

you run up there and give it a quick
inspection, then send Malik here.

By that time, our friend
either will have talked or...

And you stash your loot around
here somewhere, don't you?

I know of this place
only from gossip, signor.

It leads directly into
the roof of Circe's grotto.

I thought $10 million
would be attractive to you.

But he can't remember.

Often I go all over the
island searching for him...

because he can't even
find his own house.

Such a rocky island. It
must be hard on your feet.

Hubris, you're a monster.

You did not come
here to marry me, then?

I'm sorry. No.

There will be high tide in
Nova Scotia in 15 minutes.

But that doesn't
help us, does it?

This thing he is after...

it is a great fortune.

And a greater evil.

That's why I'm
here. To stop that.

Yes, it must be
evil. I see that.

But you are not.

Heh. How's the old
memory doing, count?

Anything stirring?

- No.
- All right, take your time.

- That leads to the grotto?
- I only wanted to help.

- Yourself. I understand.
- They are in danger. This is the way out.

They are my friends.

With a friend like you,
who needs an enemy?

The count and his
daughter are my friends.

Step carefully. There's
a column at the end.

It is full of cigarettes.
It is worth a fortune.

Maybe a little shock to
shake out the cobwebs, huh?

You know, count, even
if you don't remember...

it's worth it to
have all this fun.

Ah. Business life
is so stultifying.

I haven't had an
afternoon like this...

Sweetheart, you better
stand in your tip toes.

Pretty soon you won't be
able to hear a thing I say.

That's where I hid it. In
Narouz's hiding place...

with the cigarettes.

Do you also sing "O Sole Mio"?

Here is the pouch, and all
the papers I could find, signor.

I wish there were more.

I'm sure they'll be enough to put
many people behind bars for a long time.

Thank you.

I wish I could tell you how grateful
I am to you for having done all this.

Especially for letting the
count have the money.

Well, after all, he did find it.

The law of flotsam
and jetsam and all that.

Why does this all
mean so much to you?

But, signor, now signorina Angela
has a dowry a princess would envy.

So? NAROUZ: So.

I need no longer conceal
the great admiration...

I have long cherished
for the signorina.

Uh... She has done
me the honor to say yes.

You're going to marry Angela?

This afternoon. As soon as Luca
puts the prisoners aboard ship.

A double wedding.

I am so happy, signors.

Bon voyage, colonel.

Well, thank you, Mr. Solo.

Well, you have
won and I have lost.

Fortunes of war, colonel.

Yes.

But the goddess of fortune is a
notoriously fickle female, gentlemen.

Until the next time, colonel.

Till next time, Mr. Solo.

Forward march.