All language subtitles for RuPauls.Drag.Race.All.Stars.S07E04.WEBRip.x264-ION10

♪ MTV ♪

RuPaul:
Previously onAll Stars...

for this week's maxi-challenge,

we are throwing
the Realness of Fortune Ball.

[cheers and applause]

You know who's not excited
about doing a ball?

Tch. Watch out, 'cause this
is my one weakness, y'all.

[all laugh]

Jaida Essence Hall.

It's really gorgeous.

Trinity the Tuck.

-You know how to do you so well.
-[laughs]

The top two
All Stars of the week are...

-Trinity the Tuck...
-Oh!

and Jaida Essence Hall.
Con-drag-ulations.

You've each earned
a legendary Legend Star.

This is your chance
to win $10,000

and block
one of your fellow queens.

Jaida Essence Hall,
you're a winner, baby.

[cheers and applause]

With great power
comes great responsibility.

Oh.

[all laugh]
Oh, Jinkxy.

I deserve this.

Hi-ee!

All hail Jaida.

[applause]

What a day!

I won the ball challenge.

Knocked it out of the park,

and turnt the lipstick out,

proving once again that
I'm not only pretty, baby.

I like to kick ass, too.

Ha! Ha!

Tea. [laughs]

-Congratulations.
-Yeah, girl.

[cheering]

$10,000 richer, bitch.

Yes!

Well done, queen.

It feels really good
to get that, like, vindication

that, like,
well, you're that girl.

Is that the right word?

-Validation,
-Validation.

Vali--valedictorian?

[all laugh]

Validation.

What the fuck is
vindication?

Like going back to revenge.

Motherfucker.

[all laugh]

Trinity,
you've been top two twice.

How does it feel
to, like, have one star

in a place where
you could have had two?

I mean, I'm just so glad
I finally got one star.

And you're one step closer
to getting the $200,000.

I finally got
my legendary Legend Star,

although I could have had two.

Thank you, Shea.

Oh...

-Oh, my God.
-Oh, my God.

Wellity, wellity, wellity.

[all laugh]

Well, hello, Jaida.

Should we have a little chat?
[snaps fan open]

[all laugh]

Welcome to
the plunger circle.

All the way back
from plunge-landia.

I felt like when
you stood on the stage

and said, y'all just know

that this is my only weakness
in the competition,

at that moment I said,
this bitch is right, so...

[all chuckle]

I love you.

Don't worry,
don't worry, don't worry.

I'm not going
to hold it against you,

unless I win next week.

[all laugh]

Because there's no chance

of me being the first one
with two stars.

But I will say

it is nice to finally know
the secret of the plunger.

'Cause I hate
being left out of a secret.

-What is it?
-Share it.

-What's the secret?
-Yeah.

It's a plunger secret.

You have to hold the plunger
up to your ear,

but it only speaks
to the one it was handed to.

[all laugh]

As Ru says,
all will be revealed.

Shut up.

[all laugh]

Well, whatever
the challenge is next week,

I will be going in guns blazing.

I'm looking around
and there's many a queen

with a star now,
and I'm not one of them.

And to get to this point
in the competition

and not have a star

kind of
is a kick in the goolies,

if you know what I'm saying.

Oh.

Shit is gonna hit the fan
very, very soon.

I would like to have
something shiny on my chest

-before it does.
-Me, too.

I would do anything
to get this star,

as long as it wasn't illegal.

[laughs]

Fuck it.

Not winning is so
out of my character.

I know how shitty
and bougie that sounds,

but it's just not.

I want a legendary
Legend Star.

[cries]

It's all fun and games

until someone loses an eye.

-Yes.
-[laughs]

♪ RuPaul's Drag Race ♪

RuPaul: The winner of
RuPaul's Drag Race All Stars

receives a one-year supply

of Anastasia Beverly Hills
cosmetics,

a cash prize of $200,000,

and will be crowned
queen of all queens.

With our extra-special
guest judge

Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman.

♪ RuPaul's Drag Race ♪

♪ May the best drag queen win ♪

♪ Best drag queen win ♪

-[laughs]
-Okay.

Good morning, darling.

♪ Bing, bang, bong ♪

♪ Sing, sang, song ♪

♪ Ding, dang, dong ♪

♪ UK, hun? ♪

♪ Bing, bang, bong ♪

♪ Sing, sang, song ♪

♪ Ding, dang, dong ♪

♪ UK, hun? ♪

[cheering]

It's a new day.

New opportunities
on the horizon.

There are five stars
in a room of eight drag queens,

and guess who's blocked
in the house?

Shit!

[laughs]

Jinkx, how does that feel to
be part of the plunger circle?

I think we need a better name
than that, plunger circle.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute, wait a minute.

Everybody who has got a star
has been blocked

-but this bitch.
-Uh-huh.

Girl! No, no, Jaida.

No.

Jaida, why are you trying
to start up with me?

I'm just thinking out loud.
[all laugh]

There's five stars

and two that
have not been blocked.

Well, I just got my star.

Give it time. Shit.

Let me enjoy it.

Pot, meet the kettle, okay?

[alarm]
RuPaul: Ooh, girl.

She done already
done had herses.

My All Stars,

there once were eight queens,
none beginners,

who established themselves
all as winners.

Then one day a witch
said are you cinched, bitch?

Then she vanished like
the boobs that were in her.

[all laugh]

Is that a limerick?
Was that a limerick?

So you didn't know
what validation means.

[laughs]

But was that a limerick?

-I think it was a limerick.
-It was a limerick.

-Aah!
-Yes.

It must be the star, bitch.

[all laugh]

Hello, hello, hello.

-Whoa!
-What?

I feel so short.

[all chuckle]

My queens, you know,
as queer people,

we learn at an early age

that the stories we're told
aren't always true,

and we spend
the rest of our lives

trying to set
the record straight,

or at least straight-acting.

[all laugh]

For this week's maxi-challenge,

you need to improv your way

through the
enchanted TV court show

Fairytale Justice.

-Oh, no.
-Oh, my God.

Yes, with Judge
Michelle Visage presiding.

Spoiler alert.

I hear
she could be a real witch.

[all laugh]

AllStars7.

Now, working in two teams,

you'll transform into
storybook characters

to relitigate
infamous fairytale

miscarriages of justice.

Now, Jaida and Trinity,

you were last week's
top two All Stars,

so you are captains,

and you'll choose your teams.

Jaida,
who do you pick first?

I plunged the bitch, but
I'm gonna have to say Jinkx

for the very same reason
I plunged her.

All right, Trinity.

Shea-dy Couleé-dy.

Hey.

Motherfucking Monét.

Can I get a spot of tea?

The Viv.

Fuck.

That leaves Raja and Yvie.

Yvie.

Whatever.

Raja, you are on Team Trinity.

And I'm so excited
that you're with us, bitch.

[RuPaul laughs]

What a bunch
of bitches, though.

God.

Team Jaida,
you'll be arguing the case

Blow The House Down Boots.

[all laugh]

It's a sordid tale
of the three little pig sisters

and the big bad wolf.

[Jinkx laughs]

And Team Trinity,

you'll be arguing the case

She Done Already
Done Had Herses.

[laughs]

All about
a queen named Goldilocks,

who has some serious
boundary issues.

[all chuckle]

Yes, honey,
it's a tale as old as time.

And, ladies,
for your day in court,

feel free to treat your tresses
with products by Mane Club.

Racers, start your engines,

and may the best legend win.

[cheers and applause]

Well, this sounds fun.

I am so excited.

Okay, let's look
in this notebook.

-Let's see.
-Okay.

This week's maxi-challenge
is Fairytale Justice,

and we're gonna be
going to court

over the three pigs

versus the big bad wolf.

Hopefully we can
improv our way

to a happily ever after.

[laughs]

Well, this is a cute team.

Our team has three people
who have Legendary Stars.

And one future star holder.

[all laugh]

Okay, now, defendant
is the Big Bad Wolf.

The Big Bad Wolf is sexy,
slick, charming, a player.

I kind of wanna play
in the big bad sexy wolf.

It was, like, very close to
the Boogieman, which they loved.

Yeah, I don't know.

I'm kind of, like, split

between playing him

more like an extension
of the Boogieman character,

or like this, like...

Well, like that kind of guy.

Oh, yeah, like a gangster?

Like an old gangster.

Yeah, like an old 1940s mob man.

You see? Hey, baby,

you want the Big Bad Wolf
to come over

and roll around
in your pig pen?

[laughs]

[wheezes]

[laughs]

Pig sister Twigley.

She's built her house of twigs,
which makes sense.

She's suing the wolf
for destruction of property.

She's a famous fashion model.

I kind of do like Twigley.
I'm like in my mind.

I'm, like, in my mind,
I'm imagining, like,

she's more an Instagram model,
she's famous.

She does not have time,
so busy.

Surprise witness
is pig sister Hamela.

She's called
to back up the testimony

of the Big Bad Wolf.

Wait. She's backing up
the Big Bad Wolf?

-Hamela is on my side.
-I like Hamela.

I wanna come in, I wanna
have, like, a briefcase.

Come in glasses.
I gonna be, like, no.

Your honor, this is my man,

and these girls,
they are lying.

Yeah.

I wanna play Spare Rib

as, like,
a really vapid millennial

who's obsessed
with her Instagram feed

and her TikTok followers.

Can you do,
like, trailer trash?

Oh, well, yeah. I got
trailer trash up inside me, too.

Yeah, like kind of like aloof
and kind of stupid.

Like, perpetual baby.

"Yes and" to the max.

Just because I'm blocked

doesn't mean
I can't still perform

to the best of mine abilities.

She's just your really dumb,
bitchy, slutty, younger sister.

Gotcha.

I couldn't possibly
do anything bad,

because I'm just
a helpless little baby.

-Yeah.
-Oh, this'll be so cute.

What do y'all think
about the other team?

They've got
some pretty strong actors

in their midst as well.

I mean, and then
they've got the British one.

That's gotta be a nice
little party trick to pull out

because she's British.

[all laugh]

And she's driven by
the same Starlessness

that is powering me this week.

Grandma Hood
is a fashion forward,

sexually active older lady.

Oh, my God.
I'm Grandma Hood.

-It's you, it's you.
-Yes.

Improv equals unpredictable,

and so this type
of challenge

gives me somewhere
between that balance

of like crazy, crazy anxiety,

and also excitement.

But I need to win a Star,

so I gotta put on
my improv panties

and fucking kill it.

I'm kind of reading
both Mama Bear or Goldilocks.

I'm feeling like Mama Bear

or even the witness,
the witch Theresa.

Okay. I'm also feeling
either Goldilocks or the witch.

I think the witch is great

because you have
a very particular laugh

where you can really utilize it.

You can utilize it.

Okay, so then
I'll do Mama Bear.

-Yes.
-Uh-huh.

And you're Goldilocks.

We didn't get
an improv challenge in the UK,

so I'm super excited
to sink my teeth into this.

Goldie is a blonde showgirl
with secrets.

She's a master manipulator,

who always seems
to get her way.

I've got a really warped
vision of Goldilocks.

Explain.

I just image her

as this really sweet
little gorgeous girl

with, like, little pigtails.

and then this kind of
thick, manly Scottish accent.

So Michelle's, like,
well, where were you?

I don't fucking know, Michelle.

I mean, I'm just Goldilocks.

Goldilocks is a compulsive liar.

She's an identity thief,
which is perfect for me

because I have
many identities inside me.

That's...yeah.

[laughs]

Out of all of us,
you have the most...

change, you have
the most back story.

-You have the most going on.
-Connection to everything,

And it's quite a big part,

but I love a big part.

What should we do next
with the--

Talk about how you think
the other girls are gonna do.

Well, I mean, there's some
powerful forces over there.

Monét's gonna do
a terrific job.

I think Jinkx and Monét
are very powerful there.

I think we have to keep up,
you know.

-I'm excited.
-Me, too.

This is gonna be so good.

[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]

[RuPaul laughs]

RuPaul: Once Upon a time

in a faraway place,

justice was served

with a whole lot of face.

Order in my court!

The fables are real...

Sleeping Beauty face.

Dumb is forever.

The animals can talk...

You kiss your fairy godmother
with that mouth?

And the bailiff
is a bunny.

This isFairytale Justice.

This is the plaintiff.

She's suing
the Big Bad Wolf for $25,000.

She claims
he blew her hay house down,

which for her
was the last straw.

This is the defendant.

He claims the plaintiff
is grasping at straws

and is countersuing
for defamation of character.

All rise
for the fairest of them all,

Judge Michelle Visage.

Well, thank you,
Officer Cottontail.

Fee, fie, fo, fum.

Order in the Fairytale Court.

Do you swear
to tell the tea, the whole tea,

and nothing but the tea
so help you, Mother Goose?

Yeah, I basically do, okay?

Mother Goose is all I got
in this world.

You know
what I'm saying, baby?

Plaintiff,
state your name, please.

My name is Spare Rib:

@spare with a 3 for the E,

underscore rib...

-Okay.
-6669...

on all my socials.

-Right. Defendant.
-Yeah.

State your name.

I'm the Big Bad Wolf,

but where I come from,
they call me BB.

Oh.

Oh, hi.

Oh, hi.

-[sighs]
-What's your story, Spare Rib?

Okay, so basically I was
rolling around in my own shit

like I do every night

when all of a sudden
I hear this, like,

desperate howling
outside my house.

And then it's
that mangy asshole at my door.

Then I realized

this is the guy
who slid into my DMs

asking for pictures
of my hooves.

And he's screaming,
let me in, let me in,

and I know
he's not talking about my house.

He's trying to get in the pink,
if you know what I mean.

And I have slept
with many animals.

Like, I'll totally
snort your carrot,

but I do not sleep
with dogs, okay?

Okay, I didn't know
he could do that,

and that might
change things later,

but first we have to
handle this situation.

We'll see.

Have you previously been
acquainted with Miss Spare Rib?

I never met
no piggy like this.

I'm Jewish.
I can't even eat pork.

So Spare Rib, how did your house
blow down again?

Well, he was swinging
his massive--

I mean he was
huffing and puffing,

and it's just, like, fell over.

Just like some pigs trying
to blame the Big Bad Wolf.

You know, they always
just trying to get a brother

in the dog pound,
you know what I'm saying?

[wheezing] Awoo!

-[coughs]
-Ooh.

He can't even howl right.

Spare Rib,
what was your house made of?

It was made of straw.

Straw?

Yeah, it's really sustainable.

As in hay, girl, hay?

[whinnies]

I did not come here
to be belittled.

That's my workspace,

because that's where
I shoot my OnlyHams,

and I know what you're--

Yeah, it's drop the book
shocking.

Plus, that's where
I record my ASMR

of me eating slop, okay?

Lots of people pay for it.
It's a thing.

Ooh.

BB, what do you say to that?

If I had were to pass
a house in the woods

and I might
have sneezed a little bit,

things come tumbling
the way they go bumbling,

you know what I'm saying?

Spare Rib,
right now it's your word

against the Big Bad Wolf.

I need evidence.

[scoffs] Well, fine.

Okay, so my sister,

like, had all of the same
shit happen to her.

Are you gonna bring her out
or what?

Twigley?

This is plaintiff number two.

She's suing the wolf
for $50,000.

She claims
he blew her house down

and left her nothing
but a pile of twigs.

-State your name.
-My name is Twigley

like that other model
that people know,

except I have, like,
a million more followers

and I'm way cuter.
[laughs]

How are you involved
in this case?

My house was destroyed by
this shitty asshole over here.

-Language.
-I apologize.

By this shitty fucking asshole
over here.

What happened exactly?

I'm investing
in beautiful new properties

in the most amazing area,
Beverly Squeals.

Yes, I love Beverly Squeals.

One day I'm just at home,
and my sister comes screaming,

losing her mind.

She tells me that her shitty
little home is destroyed.

That's not an insult.
It's made out of shit.

Anyway, there's this crazy wolf
knocking on my door

who's obviously
obsessed with me.

Now, normally
I would have let him in

if he was a foxy kind of guy,

because I would fuck a fox.

Oh, baby, he's my cousin.

Yeah, okay.

Listen, your honorness,

I was just going over there

to try and work out
some new tracks on my mixtape.

Speaking of which,
you wanna buy a mixtape?

I think I'm good.

Anyway, so I obviously
tell him

get the fuck off my doorstep
and move along.

And guess what he fucking did?
He blew it down.

-Twigley, your mouth.
-It was terrible.

It's really hard
to watch my mouth

with this tiny, tiny snout.

I've recently got a snout job.

I also do snout jobs
on my website,

but you have to pay for that.

And those are not
the same snout jobs I'm getting.

Oh, my God.
Stop being such a little slut.

Shut up!

Order in the Fairytale Court!

-Wolfie?
-Yeah, baby.

Do you have anyone

who could vouch
for your character?

My girlfriend.

[both gasp]

This is the witness
for the defendant.

She claims the plaintiff's
stories aren't kosher.

State your name please.

Hello, Your Honor.
My name is Hamela Anderson.

Did you bring evidence
to corroborate his story?

[snort]

Is that a yes?

-[snort]
-Okay.

Your honor, these lies
are untrue.

I have known Squigley and
Extra Ribs here my entire life.

Okay.

These two porksters,
they're whorers, okay?

First off, she's a whore.

I am not.

Excuse me.
I'm a sex worker,

and it's very different

and I think it's time
we address that.

She is here
promoting her OnlyHams,

but she's more like
only hammered, okay?

Okay. Oh? Okay.

I have not drank
since this morning I swear.

Hamela, how do you know
these two pigs?

Your honor,
they are my sisters.

Your honor,
I don't trust these girls.

They're nasty.

What? They're your sisters.

They have slept with everyone.

They have slept with
Bagheera, Shere Khan.

They've did stuff with everyone
in this courtroom, your honor.

What is your relationship
to the Big Bad Wolf?

Wolfredo over here, we've
been together for two years.

Okay.

Oh, baby, you using my name.

You gonna embarrass me
in front of everybody.

Would you consider
your relationship monogamous?

-Oh, absolutely, your honor.
-Oh, yeah, totally.

We only pork each other, yeah.

[laughs and snorts]

I happen to know
that that is not true.

How do you know, Spare Ribs?

I have on occasion

had encounters
with the Big Bad Wolf,

but I don't think
it counts as sex

because he only puts it
in my ass.

Baby, I would never hit
that pig in a blanket.

-Twigley?
-Yeah?

What about you? Have you
ever had intimate relations

with the Big Bad Wolf?

I mean...

Twigley?

Yeah. Duh. [laughs]

-You porked her, too?
-I can't help it.

I like me a little bit
of a ham sandwich.

You know what I'm saying?

[laughs]

Hamela,
you have been betrayed,

and your sisters need you.

Girl, I'm begging you.

-I'm begging.
-We love you.

Basically we're sister-wives.

We could just be
one big family.

-Oh!
-Oh!

Oh, my God!

That was really uncalled for!

Don't you ever touch my--

-Oh!
-Oh, my God?

You bitch.

-Oh!
-Oh, God!

Ow! Ow!

You knocked my teeth out.

Oh, no!

This got anybody else's
tail waggin'?

Order in the court!
This is getting out of control.

Put your teeth back in.

I'm trying.

I know how we're all gonna
live happily ever after.

How?

Here is my verdict.

This little piggy
goes to market.

This little piggy stays home.

This little piggy
can have some roast beef

with a side of horseradish.

Oh!

And you, Wolfie?
You Big Bad Wolf.

I'll see you...

in my chambers.

[wheezing howl]

Case dismissed.
No evidence.

Get outta here.

BB, can I listen
to your mixtape?

Ooh, she's the baddest witch
in all the land.

She can have me
over any damn ham.

Ooh!

And the litigants
are just leaving the courtroom.

Hello, three pig sisters.

Well, you were unsuccessful
in this courtroom.

What do you think
you could have done

to make this case go better?

Win! But you know
what they say.

Fake it until you make it.

And I'm really trying to be--

Right!

What's happening?

The stress, it's really
getting to me.

Your ear falling off--

I'm sorry. You're going
to have to speak up.

I can only hear you
half as well,

Yeah, yeah. Any regrets?

I mean, it is what it is.
[laughs]

Truer words
have never been spoken.

Well, thank you, ladies.

Thank you very much.

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

Welcome back
to Fairytale Justice.

-The princes are charming...
-[ribbit]

the stepmothers are evil,

and the judge
is a total witch.

[thunder]

This is the plaintiff.

She claims the defendant
broke into her home,

ate her food,
and damaged her property.

She's suing for $57

plus $3 million
for pain and suffering.

This is the defendant.

She claims that this
is a big misunderstanding.

She didn't mean
to cause any harm.

Plaintiff, state your name.

Halle Beary.

State your case, please.

When my husband and I
left Bearback Mountain

in search of a better life,

I never imagined

that I would be subjected
to such grisly crimes

as the ones
committed by this...woman?

I was doing
my normal daily task

of making porridge
for my lovely family,

and I went out on a walk
to go and let it cool off.

I came back to find
my front door kicked down,

my porridge eaten...

-Oh!
-And the custom baby bear chair

-from Bearneys destroyed.
-Fancy.

And then I find
this little girl

asleep in my child's bed.

Imagine!

And, look, we're in
a fancy new neighborhood

and I know
that as a Black bear,

I cannot call animal control.

So I woke her and I asked her:

What the hell
are you doing in my house?

Defendant,
please state your name.

[Scottish accent]
My name is Goldilocks.

Mates call me Goldie,

and I haven't got a clue
what she's talking about.

[laughs]

-Goldie?
-Aye?

You have no idea
what she's talking about?

Well, listen,
I'd finished my gig

behind a tree
in the Forbidden Forest.

Okay.

They underpaid,

so the only option
was a BearBnB.

I got to that BearBnB,

and let me tell you,
it was a dump,

an absolute dump.

And let's blame
the Scottish person

for eating the porridge.

I suppose you think I've got
a ginger fanny as well.

I'm looking at your fanny,
and it's flat.

When I asked her

why she broke my baby bear chair
from Bearneys--

And all this Bearneys.
She couldn't afford Bearneys.

It was from IKEA.

[gasps]

No.

I need more evidence,
Mama Bear.

Oh.

Aye.

What? Just because
she has opposable thumbs?

Leave my thumbs out of this.

Do you have anyone who could
corroborate your story?

I may know someone.

Bring in the witness.

This is plaintiff number two.

She claims Goldie
isn't who she seems

and has a reputation
for telling lies.

State your name please.

Gwendolyn Constance
Periwinkle Hood.

I live in the Shady Pines
Convalescent Care

just over the river
and through the woods.

-Right.
-I know that one.

I also have a boyfriend.

Yes, his name is Geppetto.

-Ooh.
-Yes.

-Frisky.
-[laughs]

Aow.

And how are you
involved in this case?

This young lady here
is my granddaughter,

and her name
is not actually Goldie.

Her name is Little Red.

[German accent]
I know nothing

of what this lady
is talking about.

My name is Helga
and I'm from Germany

and I just like to eat strudel.

You're from Glendale.

We do not have Glendale
in Germany.

-Hmm.
-Didn't that werewolf eat you?

Oh, yes, she's actually
told people

that I was eaten
by the wolf.

-Really?
-Yes.

But the truth is
that she was actually

being eaten herself
by the wolf.

You know what I mean by eating?

Oh, dear.

Oh, in fact, there he is.
Oh, hello.

That's the wolf.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

The last time I saw that wolf,

he was howling in her pussy.

Oh!

I'm just back here chilling

with my little piece of pussy

and my piece of ass.

[brays]

It's funny because
it's a donkey sat next to him.

Goldie, or should I call you
Little Red or Helga?

Is what your grandmother's
saying true?

This is not my grandmother,
and she has no house.

She's homeless,
so this story has many holes.

Like German cheese,
many holes.

That's Swiss cheese.

She even lies about cheese.

Grandma Hood.

-What?
-Do you have-- [coughs]

Do you have any evidence?

May I call up another witness?

Yes, you may.

Let's bring in the next witness.

This is a surprise witness.

She may have information

of spellbinding
relevance to the case.

The brew thickens.

Hey, girl! Witch Theresa!

Which Theresa?
There's only one Theresa.

-You Theresa.
-Yes, me Theresa.

How you doing, girl?

I'm great.
Good to see ya.

I love your hairstyle.
Love the dress.

Me, too. Did you get yours
at The Spotted Cauldron?

-It was a discount.
-Oh, well, it's gorgeous.

You sound like Cher,
Witch Theresa.

[imitating Cher] Whoa.

[laughs]

Tell us what your involvement is
in this crazy case.

I live in the nicest
gingerbread house

on the other side of the forest.

I was out trying to cure
a case of the warts.

Oh.

And when I returned,
half my porch had been eaten.

Michelle, you remember my porch.

Is the swing still there?

-It's gone!
-Oh, my goodness! Theresa.

I know, and I don't know
another lesbian witch

to fix it.

-Oh, I got a few. Don't worry.
-Okay, good.

I can send them your way.

I continue into my house.

I'm frantic.

And I find this...

this in my bed with a man.

They said they were
Hansel and Gretel,

brother and sister.

The things
that they were doing

no sibling would do.

-Oh!
-Not in my house.

This is not Mississippi.

Okay, listen.

Blondie, I don't even know
what your name is at this point.

Explain yourself.

[German accent] So Gretel
sounds like she is also

from one of these countries
that has an accent like this,

so I'm going to stick with this.

And I have proof
that I am really Gretel.

Watch.

They are bread crumbs.

Why are you throwing crumbs
on the courtroom floor?

Because I'm Hansel and Gretel.
It's true to my character.

I am Hansel and Gretel.

-You're both?
-I am both.

[chuckles]

You are in trouble, missy.

You don't know
what that swing meant.

So you're both swingers?

We were until you ate it.

Our swinging days are over
because of you.

It was a tasty swing.

That's what she said
when she ate my porridge, too.

Your porridge sucked, woman.

-Excuse me?
-Blondie.

Clearly you have
a psychological problem

and a history
of breaking and entering.

And eating.

[American accent]
All right, listen.

Oh.

I'm from Glendale.

I told you.

Glendale.

I grew up
with a wicked stepmother,

and she ran away
with the baker.

And that's why
I got addicted to carbs

and started leaving
bread crumbs everywhere,

and I kept getting lost
on the way home

because
I couldn't stop eating them.

[cries]

I'm sorry.

-Are you?
-No.

I could sentence you
to community service.

You could spend
the next six months

helping all the king's horses
and all the king's men

put Humpty Dumpty
back together again.

-That sounds like fun.
-That's not fun.

But I am looking
for a happy ending.

Ladies, can you
find it in your heart

to help this girl
turn her life around?

-Uh...
-Uh...

Well...

How about we hug it out?

Cottontail.
Officer Cottontail, big hug.

-I'm so sorry.
-Fluffy, come on, honey.

-Group hug.
-Go on, everybody.

-Hey.
-Yeah.

There we go.

I love harmony
in my courtroom.

Oh, this little baby carrot.

Yes, all I need
is some ranch.

Oh, wait.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Where did she go?

-Oh!
-What?

-Oh, no.
-Oh, no.

She--oh!

Follow the bread crumbs,
your honor.

Hickory dickory dock,
court is adjourned.

Hey, Wolfie, where'd you go?

-Wolfie?
-Oh, wrong way.

Awoo! Awoo!

Wolfie?

Well, well, well.

It looks like
the defendants have snuck out.

Goldilocks, have you
learned your lesson?

-Fuck, no.
-No.

Wolf, are you done
with blowing down houses?

I'm done
with blowing down houses,

but I'm just starting
blowing backs out.

[laughs]

[wheezing howl]

I love your ears.
Those are sweet.

Thank you. Thank you.

Come on, baby.
Let's go hump the pillows.

Well, it looks like
the litigants

are just now arriving
in the courtroom lobby.

Do you mind if I say hi
to some people?

No, I don't mind it all.

Hi, dears.
Look at me.

I'm on TV.

-Hi, Mom!
-Yeah.

So, now, you three

really didn't know
each other before this case.

Will the friendship continue?

Nothing brings you together

like getting robbed
by a little girl.

Yes, that's right. Yeah.

I can make some coffee.

Let's go eat
the rest of my porch.

-Oh, yeah.
-[laughs]

That's right, that's right.

Remember, if you break the law,
hi-ho, hi-ho,

it's off to Fairytale Court
you go.

[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]

[RuPaul laughs]

Guten tag, ja!

[laughs] Yes!

Today we receive the verdict
from the judges

on our Fairytale Justice
performances.

All rise.

So now that
we have, like, slept on it,

how do you all feel
how we did yesterday?

I think we did great.

-I would agree.
-I feel really good.

I feel like we achieved
such good balance as a team

and, like, worked as a team.

Yeah, but you know, in my mind,
you really stood out

out of all of us.

Out of everybody.

How in the name of heaven,
hell and purgatory in between

did you come up with
all of those fucking accents?

It was brilliant.

There was accents coming out
that I hadn't even planned.

That was the great thing

about having a compulsive
liar as a character,

because even if I was, like,
where are we at the story,

I'll just make something up.

I think you played it too well.

[all laugh]
I'm concerned.

I was just so upset

because I worked so hard
to lose this weight

and I ate
three Danish pastries.

[all laugh]

I think I did
a very, very good job,

so this is hopefully the week

that I finally get a Star.

But everyone is so, so good,

which is so, so annoying.

This is literally--
Do you know, this is so weird,

but this is like, kind of like,

an energy booster for me.

-What is that?
-Tajín.

Tajín shots.

A what shot?

-Tajín.
-Tajín. Okay.

Okay, I'm gonna do one with you
at the same time, bitch.

Watch, and you'll see,
like, the little sourness

will give you, like,
a kind of a pickup.

-And you feel right.
-And it gives you energy?

Well, I mean,
it's salty, spicy, tangy.

It, like,
slaps your mouth awake.

-Cheers.
-Cheers.

You gotta let it go
all over the tongue.

I know.
I see what you mean.

-And it's legal.
-And it's legal.

You can't get pulled over
for that.

[laughs]

Watching everybody
perform yesterday,

it felt so good
to be around such professionals.

What, when you were
on our team?

[all laugh]

Now shut up.

Can I hear
your old lady voice again, Raja?

I think it went
something like this.

[all laugh]

Was it like this?

Now do your old lady voice.

[all laugh]

I hate all of you.

Next time
we do something like this,

I'm not playing an old lady.

And I'm not playing
a sexy man.

And next time we do something
like this, I'm gonna be funny.

[laughs]

[both speaking gibberish]

I love your guys'
little language.

-It's our own.
-Our own language.

We're gonna sell the Raja
to Monét dictionary at DragCon.

[laughs]

And I'll do
the Monét to Raja thesaurus.

The Dinosaurus thesaurus?

[all laugh]

Jaida, what are
you doing to yourself?

I know this
looks absolutely crazy.

That is rad.

Jaida is gonna get canceled
for white blackface.

[laughs]

Do y'all practice any of
your mugs before you come here?

Or are you just, like, I'll
just do it when I get there?

I practiced half of this,

and I think I should have
done the full thing,

but that's okay.

Imagine I go out
on the runway like this.

I say but the thing
about it is

is that there's just really
never enough time back there.

[all laugh]

Okay, now it's time
to deliberate

on who's getting blocked.

-Bitch.
-[laughs]

We tend to block the person
who blocked the week before.

Yes. As the person
who gave the first block out,

I was the next person
to receive a block

with Jinkx
giving one out to me,

and then Jinkx gets
blocked the following week.

At least that's
the pattern we've made so far.

So let's see if it continues.

Now, that got
a little personal.

-[laughs]
-That got a little personal.

This is the tea, y'all.

So far, the person
who had the power to block

has been blocked the week
after they blocked somebody.

So this week,
if I don't win

and if the pattern
continues,

I will be blocked,
and I'm, like, okay, bitch.

Now I was getting a little--
now you getting too cute.

Too close for comfort.

This is absolutely stupid.

[all laugh]

[RuPaul laughs]

♪ Cover girl,
put the bass in your walk ♪

♪ Head to toe,
let your whole body talk ♪

♪ Cover girl ♪

And what?

Welcome to the main stage

of RuPaul's Drag Race
All Stars, All Winners.

She brings it to you every ball.

It's Michelle Visage.

Yes, but these days

I'm home in bed
way before midnight.

[all laugh]

And the hilarious
Ross Mathews.

Now, Ross, what's your
favorite fairy tale?

Guess.

[all laugh]

22 inches.

[laughs]

It gets stuck
in my lip gloss though, Ru.

[laughs]

And he's a prince
among menses.

Welcome back
Jeffrey Bowyer-Chapman.

Hey, pumpkin.

God, I missed this!

[all laugh]

This week
we challenged our queens

to make believe
on Fairytale Justice.

And tonight, category
is Spikes On The Runway.

Racers, start your engines,

and may the best legend win.

RuPaul: Up first,
Jaida Essence Hall.

Ooh.

Miss Spiky.

Michelle: The return
of North Beach Leather.

Ross: You wanna take a seat?
No. Oh, you'll just stand.

Jaida: I am giving you

a very beautiful, sickening
Grace Jones-esque vibe,

and you know that she
had to throw some baby hairs

all down the face

'cause that's just
the way she rocks, mama.

Michelle: Spikes on bikes.

[all laugh]

RuPaul:
Up next, Jinkx Monsoon.

Michelle: Girl,
your porcupine is on fire.

She could pork my pine
any time.

Jinkx: I am Norma Desmond
meets Cruella de Vil

playing the evil countess

who made a dress
out of porcupines.

[laughs]

RuPaul:
You're quilling me, Larry.

[laughs]

RuPaul: Monét X Change.

Well, that's one way
to not use a lip liner.

Michelle: She'd like
to keep it on, please.

[all laugh]

Monét: This is very punk.

I have two suits
stoned together.

I'm giving you
Westwood meets the hood.

She's dangerous also,

because these spikes
are real and they're sharp.

Ross: She's got
a business meeting,

and the market is spiking.

[all laugh]

RuPaul: Yvie Oddly.

Jeffrey: Careful.
I think she bites.

Ross: Hope so.

RuPaul:
She's off to see the lizard.

[all laugh]

Yvie: I am serving you
scorpion, alien,

spike reptile/humanoid.

You're seeing Yvie
at her finest

and at
her tallest point here.

Michelle: Back horns?

[all laugh]

RuPaul: Trinity the Tuck.

Michelle: God hates fangs.

[all laugh]

Now, is she a crypt
or a blood?

Trinity:
I am a vampiric bitch,

and everybody knows
vampires do not age.

Girl, I love to be impaled,

so why not have
a spike through my heart?

[imitating vampire]
I want to suck your cock.

[all laugh]
Ru!

RuPaul: The Vivienne.

Ross: Vivienne, can you
just put a pin in this?

RuPaul: The time has come for
you to whip sync for your life.

[all laugh]

Vivienne:
This is giving Cyber Catwoman,

Vivienne Westwood.

I feel so powerful.

It's cutting me
minge in two,

and I feel fabulous.

Jeffrey: You spike me,
you really spike me.

[all laugh]

RuPaul: ♪ Raja ♪

Well, that's
the most gorgeous chastity belt

I've ever seen.

Michelle: My mama said

never leave home
without your mace.

[all laugh]

Raja: I was a kid who loved
movies that have fantasy,

a little bit
of science fiction.

I have my medieval weapon.

I am set for battle.

I am ready for the war.

Jeffrey: I didn't know
Flash Gordon

could get any gayer.

[all laugh]

RuPaul:
Up next, Shea Couleé.

Michelle: That reminds me.

I gotta get some medicine
for my crabs.

Horseshoe crabs, I mean.

[all laugh]

Shea: Miss Couleé is giving you

super galactic
fairy touchdown on Earth.

I got this tight
hobble skirt silhouette,

and, baby, is she hobbling.

Ross: That's one small step
for drag-kind.

RuPaul: Yes.

[all laugh]

[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]

[RuPaul laughs]

Welcome, ladykins.

Now it's time
for the judges' critiques,

starting with
Jaida Essence Hall.

I had so much fun
doing this challenge with y'all.

Jaida, you came in,
you were so much fun.

You looked so beautiful.

I thought you did
a really good job at improv-ing.

Thank you.

I have to say

I've never been
more into pig play

than seeing you in that nose.

-I'm, like, hello.
-[laughs and snorts]

-Well done.
-Thank you so much.

This look tonight
is everything to me.

It's Yves Saint Laurent
nineties vintage perfection.

And that spiked afro,
I just wanna take it off

and plop it on my head
right now.

The black makeup,
it's just so stunning.

-It's so gorgeous.
-Thank you.

Can I see to the side?

Oh, those are so gorgeous.

They're actually upside down.

Hey, Diana Ross,

are you ready for the song
you made number one for me?

[all laugh]

Up next, it's Jinkx Monsoon.

You are incredible
when it comes to improv.

Like, it is a skill
that not a lot of people have,

and you got it down, girl.

You two together
were spectacular.

You know when
you see someone

doing something
they're so good at,

and it's just the rest
of the world fades away?

That's what happened.

You just came so armed
and ready to ham it up.

[all laugh]

I did not come here
to be belittled.

I just loved every second of
watching you in this challenge.

-Really good week for you.
-Thank you.

You know, when I heard
the runway was spikes,

I was like how the hell

is Jinkx
gonna do a spiked runway?

But you got spikes
up on your back.

You're a very chic,
very ladylike porcupine,

and I just think
it's fun

because it's who you are,

and you're staying true to that.

Up next, Monét X Change.

Whew.

Oh, there you are.

[laughs]

You know what
you can do so well?

Make an entrance.

You just--you gotta
sell it on the get-go,

and then we bought it.

I just thought
you were so fantastic.

You had an intention.

You knew what
your point of view was.

You kicked ass.
You did a great job.

Thank you, Michelle.

I am living for this look.

I grew up in the middle
of nowhere in Canada

with no Black folk around me.

But all my best friends

were these crazy
punk rock queens.

And I always wanted a mohawk,

and seeing you, a Black girl
with this mohawk,

if it's meaning
this much to me,

it's, like, giving life
to all the young Black children

out there
in the world right now.

Thank you, Jeffrey.

Up next, Yvie Oddly.

Look how statuesque you are.

How are you upright right now?

I don't understand this.

This is so exciting.

It looks so fantastic.

Your body,
how you've accentuated

that tiny waist,
those long legs.

It's brilliant.

Yvie, you had a tough role

because you were
the Big Bad Wolf,

and you were there
the whole time.

But I loved
how into it you got.

Anything
that was thrown at you,

you took it
and you ran with it.

At one point you kicked
your leg up on the podium

and scratched your ear
and your leg was--

Those were just
sort of next-level things

that you do that make
a character fully formed.

Thank you.

I almost wish
I wasn't as attracted

to your Big Bad Wolf
as I was,

but what are you gonna do?

-Blow your house down?
-Oof, girl.

-I am here for it.
-[laughs]

Up next,
it's Trinity the Tuck.

-Hey, girl.
-Hey, girl.

This look
is just so fantastic.

If someone told me
category is Spikes,

I don't think
I'd be smart enough

to do something like this.

Your interpretation
is probably my favorite.

Thank you.

Okay, let's talk about you
in the challenge.

-You are having a blast.
-Yeah.

I continue into my house.

I'm frantic.

And we are having
so much fun watching you.

Thank you.

It's just so much fun

to watch you
and your ridiculousness

and your stupidity,

I don't even remember the girl
from the audition tape

from all those years ago.

I don't remember her.

I didn't know
she could do all this,

and I definitely
don't recognize her nose.

[laughs]
Don't make me laugh.

I'm gonna tip over.

[all laugh]

Thank you.

Up next,
it's Shea Couleé.

-Greetings, Earthlings.
-Got your ears on.

I have no idea what it is

that you were meant to be
in this outfit,

but I don't care because
you look fabulous, girl.

It's ridiculous,
it's crazy, it's out there.

It fit right in with
the rest of these freaks.

[all laugh]

This part of Mama Bear
is a really tough part,

because you're playing a Karen.

You're uptight,
and that can be risky.

[gasps]

But you were
consistently funny with it,

and I think
you did really well.

Thank you, Ross.

All right,
up next, The Vivienne.

You can't give hugs
with nuclear arms.

I give a great fist, though.

[all laugh]

This look tonight,

it might just be
one of my favorite looks

to ever grace
the main stage of this show.

It's magnificent.

Iconic, and, you know,

we've seen a lot of outfits
over the years.

This is going to be
one of them

that will live forever
and ever and ever.

The Vivienne,
you should have done something

with your character.

She was so boring.

[all laugh]

[German accent]
My name is Helga

and I am from Germany

and I just like
to eat strudel.

You were fully in your element

and it was another
brilliant performance

and I loved watching it.

I mean, Meryl
better watch her back

with all those accents

coming out your
herpes-covered mouth, honey.

[all laugh]
It was porridge.

Porridge. Right.

[all laugh]

How old were you
when you realized

you knew
how to emulate someone?

It's kind of how I navigated

not getting bullied
through school,

because I was the funny kid
and people would come up to me,

like, do that voice,
do that voice.

And I'd just be, like,
if you don't hit me, I will.

[all laugh]

-Thank you, Vivienne.
-Thank you so much.

All right,
up next, it's Raja.

Hi.

This outfit is...

I mean, it is my childhood
fantasy come to life.

This will be
a timeless fan favorite.

You know what I loved
about you in the challenge?

Mm-hmm.

The characterization
that you had

even in your body.

You were kind of hunched
over like Sophia Petrillo.

You had
that Grandma Hood body,

and that's what sold
your character to me.

Bitch, you fucking
went in on this character.

Everything about it
was really fully realized,

and what's exciting
about this

is that we're getting to
witness the rebirth of Raja,

because all the people
who knew you from back then,

they're all dead.

[all laugh]

Dead.

So it's like
a brand-new Raja.

[all laugh]

Dang.

Thank you, ladies.
I think we've heard enough.

While you enjoy a House of Love
cocktail

in the werkroom,

the judges and I
will deliberate.

You may leave the stage.

Vivienne: Danke schoen.

All right. Now, just between
us squirrel friends,

what do you think?

Now, they're all so good,

but we're looking
for a top two.

What are you gonna do?
They're all so fabulous.

-Ross.
-Here's the deal.

Jinkx had all the puns,
all the jokes,

and all the character.

I don't know
how you beat her

when it comes
to an acting challenge.

The look tonight
on the runway with Jinkx,

I love that this is how
she sees spikes.

Oh, of course,
an evening gown

with a porcupine on my back.

That's how she does it.

Jinkx takes every challenge
and runs it through her filter,

and that is how you excel here.

She really knows
how to do this,

and, boy, oh, boy,
did I have fun with her

in that exit interview.

It's fun to play with her.

We were able to volley
because she's so smart.

Mm-hmm. Yeah.

I thought Yvie Oddly
held it down

in a really strong way.

She had answers for everything.

She had a character
that she developed.

She was very sneaky,
very sly,

so I thought
she did a really strong job.

I was really proud of Yvie.

Tonight on the runway,

well, this is what I think of

when I think of Yvie Oddly.

This is elevated
and her makeup, meticulous.

Those shoes were inhumane,
but thank God she wore them,

because that was
a moment on the runway.

Wowza.

She really looked fantastic.

Loved that outfit.
That was really well done.

You wanna talk about
a tough job,

The Vivienne,
she showed us what she can do.

The Vivienne was Goldilocks,
Little Red, Helga,

and Hansel,
and that was amazing.

She is so skilled
at all of those accents,

so skilled at the approach

for every single one
of those characters,

and we believed it.

I thought that was
a job really well done.

Between that performance

and this outfit
on the main stage tonight,

iconic is the word.

Everything about it.

It's dangerous,
but it's also pretty.

It's edgy, but it's fashion.

All of it is just spectacular.

I'd give her a high five,
but I'm scared.

[all laugh]

-You'd be bleeding.
-Yeah. All right. Now, Jeffrey,

who were you most
passionate about this week?

Raja is an undeniable favorite.

I was so impressed
with the acting challenge.

She just gave flavors
and layers

that I had never seen
of Raja before.

And the look tonight
was sheer perfection.

It was She-Ra Princess of Power
fantasy brought to life.

I loved it.

It was a great night for her,

and of course, that outfit,
the way it sparkled.

The silhouette so unique,
so otherworldly.

All right, silence.

I've made my decision.

Bring back my legends.

Welcome back, ladies.

Based on your performances
in Fairytale Justice

and your spiked
runway presentations,

I've made some decisions.

The top two All Stars
of the week are...

Jinkx Monsoon...

and The Vivienne.

[applause]

I'm finally
a top All Star this week.

Aah!

[laughs]
I'm gonna mark my diary.

This was the day
that I joined the club.

Vivienne, you earned
a legendary Legend Star...

which puts you one step closer
to our Grand Finale

Lip Sync Lalaparuza
Smackdown for the crown.

Jinkx, you were blocked
by Jaida last week...

Sorry.

So no Star for you, darling.

But you can still win $10,000

and the power to block
one of your fellow competitors

from receiving a legendary
Legend Star next week.

[whispers]
Don't block me.

Ladies, the rest of you
may take a seat.

-Are you sure?
-Yes.

Okay, 'cause
I'd stay up here.

[all laugh]

Two legends stand before me.

Ladies, this is your chance
to impress me,

win $10,000,
and earn the power

to block
one of your fellow queens

from receiving a legendary
Legend Star next week.

The time has come...
[thunder]

for you to lip sync...

[echoing] for your legacy!

Good luck
and don't fuck it up.

[music plays]

♪ Yeah ♪

♪ Baby, baby ♪

♪ Baby, baby ♪

♪ Baby ♪

♪ Love is gonna save the day ♪

♪ Sometimes love
can make you crazy ♪

♪ It can really put
your body to the test ♪

♪ You try so hard
to make sure ♪

♪ Everything is right ♪

♪ And you find you've only
wound up with a mess ♪

[Yvie laughs]

♪ Love will always play
the greater part ♪

[cheering]

♪ When your battles
wear you down ♪

♪ Here's my advice ♪

♪ When you're feeling
down and out ♪

♪ And you've got troubles
on your mind ♪

♪ Love will save the day ♪

♪ When your world's
falling apart ♪

♪ All you have to do
is say a prayer ♪

♪ And love will save the day ♪

♪ Love will save the day ♪

♪ Love will save the day ♪

[Yvie laughs]

♪ Love will always play
the greater part ♪

♪ Greater part ♪

♪ When your battles
wear your down ♪

♪ Here's my advice ♪

♪ Here's my advice ♪

♪ When you're feeling
down and out ♪

♪ And you've got troubles
on your mind ♪

♪ Love will save the day ♪

♪ Love will save the day ♪

♪ Love will save the day ♪

[cheers and applause]

Ladies, I've made my decision.

The Vivienne.

Con-drag-ulations.
You're a winner, baby.

[cheers and applause]

You've won a cash tip
of $10,000.

Jinkx Monsoon, you are free
to slay another day.

You may step
to the back of the stage.

[applause]

Well done, Jinkxy.

Queens, please join
The Vivienne on the main stage.

The Vivienne, with great power
comes great responsibility.

Using the platinum plunger...

Who's ready
for me to pull the plunge?

[all laugh]

Show us which queen
you've chosen to block.

I feel the power of the plunger,

and it feels absolutely amazing.

I am ready
as I will ever be

to block somebody.

[evil laugh]

[all chuckle]

Do you want 200 grand
or do you want a friend?

[laughs]

You can buy friends.

Oh.

[all laugh]

Monét X Change has had
that legendary Legend Star

sat on her tit for three weeks,

and not one person's
blocked her.

So take the plunger
and sit down.

[laughs]

I object.

[all laugh]

You can object all you want,
love, it's yours.

Game on.

Monét, next week
you can compete and even win,

but The Vivienne
has blocked you

from earning
a legendary Legend Star.

Next week was a hot dog
eating contest, right?

[all laugh]

Con-drag-ulations, ladies.

And remember,
if you cannot love yourself...

[laughs]

How in the hell
you gonna love somebody else?

Can I get an "amen" over here?

-Amen!
-Amen!

All right.
Now let the music play.

[music plays]

♪ Cover girl,
put the bass in your walk ♪

♪ Head to toe,
let your whole body talk ♪

[laughs]

♪ Cover girl ♪

RuPaul:
Next time onAll Stars...

I was thinking
of blocking someone else.

[laughs]

Duly noted, The Vivienne.

For this week's
maxi-challenge,

you need to write and deliver

an uplifting
commencement speech.

Does that mean I'm finally
gonna get a degree?

I'm gonna make sure Vivienne
has her work cut out for her.

What are you two shady bitches
talking about over there?

[laughs]

I'm so geeked
by this fucking twist.

Ooh, I'm gonna get her.

Ooh, it's gonna taste so good.

[smacks lips]

I do put the ass in tassel.

This is as good as it's ever
going to fucking get.

[all laugh]

Because
we're all gonna die.

[all laugh]

Aah!

[applause]

[all laugh]

[RuPaul laughs, bell dings]

♪ Cover girl,
put the bass in your walk ♪

♪ Head to toe,
let your whole body talk ♪

♪ Cover girl ♪