All language subtitles for The Man From U.N.C.L.E. S03E10 The Off Broadway Affair

Nothing.

- Hello? Is this U.N.C.L.E.?
- Yes, it is.

Believe me, Mr. Solo,
this is not a prank. I...

You're on, Miss Osborne.

Uh, miss. Uh, where can
we find Miss, uh, Osborne?

Well, she left,
about a minute ago.

- Uh, where did she go?
- Why, to Purdy's. To wait for the reviews.

Where's Purdy?

Well, if, um, you got a
car, I'll take you there.

I got them. I got them.

Come on, gather around,
everybody. Come on.

Come, I got the reviews. Come on,
come on. Come on, honey, come on.

Okay, quiet down,
quiet down. Come on.

Shh. Let's see what they have
to say about an instant hit, huh?

Who's that?

Uh, that's Winky Blintz.
He's our director and star.

- Winky Blintz.
- Blintz, Blintz.

Here's Mr. Dreston:

"If you think the opening
scene of The In-Out Show...

is pretentiously obtuse,
you should just be patient."

- Do you see Miss Osborne?
- Shh.

"For once it gets going, it swings
downhill with all the pace and deftness...

of an Alpine glacier."

Fascist.

- Please. It's important.
- What?

Oh, Miss Osborne. Um.

I don't see her. I know she's here. Oh,
she probably went to the powder room.

Well, we have to see her
immediately. So, uh, would you mind?

Let's see what the first...

I might as well. I don't
have anything else to do.

Things certainly don't look
too promising around here.

Ah, Paul Hastenbrook,
there's a critic for you.

"Last night at the New Wave
Theater, The In-Out Show went on...

and on and on and on."

The reviews aren't
exactly boffo, are they?

"Boffo"?

Yes, that's "box
office" to foreigners.

Whatever she
wanted to tell us...

I guess we'll have to
find it out for ourselves.

The police are convinced
it was suicide, eh?

Well, I suppose Miss Osborne
wouldn't be the first actress...

to take her press
notices too seriously.

It's not the police she
spoke to, it was me.

What exactly did she tell you?

She said she had something to tell
me, and I said, "What?" and she said:

"Your entire organization is
in danger of being destroyed."

Then she was cut off.

I see.

Well, it may interest
you, gentlemen...

to know that a Thrush operative
has just been captured...

carrying a copy of everything we
fed into our main computer yesterday.

Has he been interrogated?

Dead, unfortunately.

This may be the
answer to the past week.

Nothing in our entire operation against
Thrush seems to have worked properly.

Do you think a personnel leak?

Not very likely, I'm afraid.

Our engineers think they've
got a tap on this computer.

How? We're 50 feet
below ground level.

They'd have to dig quite a
tunnel to get anywhere near us.

Wouldn't our seismic
detectors pick them up?

I don't have the answer to that.

Miss, will you tell the chief
engineer that effective immediately...

I want this computer shut down?

Yes, Mr. Waverly.

Except for the processing
of the most routine...

and unclassified material.

Yes, sir.

I gather you see some connection
between this and the late Miss Osborne.

Oh, possibly none.

But for the time being, it's the
only thing we've got to go on.

And we must
remember, gentlemen...

that that theater is only
two blocks away from here.

I know one of the
girls in the show.

After those reviews, I have a feeling
if you don't hurry, you'll miss her.

Not even a week from
Thursday? Well, uh...

Sorry, my friend. We
are sold out for weeks.

For weeks? Uh...

How about a...? Maybe... Hmm.

Hi, isn't it exciting?

Yes, it's incredible. I
was looking for you.

Uh, who's that...?

Oh, that's Mr. Machina.
He's our producer.

Come on, we're having a
cast meeting and I can't be late.

- A month. We are sold out for a month.
- Hmm.

Can you imagine?

Just think what you could
do with lukewarm reviews.

Let's go, kids, come
on. Come on, let's go.

Now, you're probably all
curious what has happened.

For the man who's gonna
give you the answers...

here's our illustrious
producer, Mr. David X. Machina.

Artists of the theater.

Last night, you underwent
tragedy and disappointment.

As for the first, you
know Eileen Osborne...

would have wanted you to
bounce back just as you have.

She always said, "The
show must go on." Always.

She was quite a
conversationalist.

It is for this reason
that I decided to buy

all the tickets for
next month personally.

I shall distribute them in the
firm belief that word of mouth...

should quickly bring to
your incomparable artistry...

the recognition it
so richly deserves.

Mr. Machina, on behalf
of the entire cast...

uh, I would like to say how deeply
we appreciate your trust in us...

and I promise that we will do everything
to prove that trust well-founded.

Thank you, Miss, uh...?
- Jerrod.

Janet Jerrod.

Uh, and as Miss
Osborne's understudy...

I only hope that I can step
into her illustrious footsteps...

in the illustrious way that
she would have wanted.

Well, on that point, Miss Jerrod,
while I'm quite confident in your talent...

I do feel that the role should
have a more experienced person.

Mr. Blintz, therefore, has agreed
that Miss Osborne's replacement...

should be Miss Linda Lamentiere.

Is she a well-known star?

I thought I knew
everybody in show business.

- I never heard of her.
- Hmm.

- It seems a trifle unfair to me, Napoleon.
- Hmm.

You dally around with
a lush young actress...

while I go prowling
around in a dirty basement.

Ah, but we both have the
same noble objective in mind.

By the way, do you know
anything about plumbing?

Yes, you turn the tap counter
clockwise for warm and clockwise for cool.

That's very good.
Uh, keep clockwise.

Hey, hey, hey.

- No admittance.
- Plumbing repairs.

- Who called for a plumber?
- Oh, boy.

Well...

It's all there.

Well, I didn't know anything
was wrong with the plumbing.

- How are you doing?
- Oh!

After all, it's his money. If he wants
an experienced actress for the job...

that should be his
prerogative, right?

- Right.
- Right.

Listen, I'd to ask you
about Eileen Osborne.

Well, I hate to
speak ill of the dead...

but she certainly wasn't
much of an actress.

She was, you know, well-liked.

Well, do you know
anyone who didn't like her?

- Huh?
- Someone who might wanna do her harm?

- Harm Eileen?
- Mm-hm.

No.

- I'm sorry.
- Oh, it was my fault.

Well, it was my pleasure.

- Who was that man?
- Hmm?

Obviously someone with a
taste for pretty young girls.

Ha, and they put you in charge.

Can you really imagine a man like
that going for anyone like Janet Jerrod...

or whatever her name is?

What are you thinking?

Obviously, he could
be from U.N.C.L.E.

Don't worry about it.

If he's an U.N.C.L.E. agent, I can
assure you he will be taken care of.

Hey!

Oh, you took the wrong
turn. The main pipe is here.

Oh, sorry.

Hey!

Hey, there's a show going
on upstairs, you know.

Sorry, it just isn't my night.

Just make sure you put
everything back the way it was.

I... I... It'll be a pleasure.

Anything?

They might be able to
hide the tunnel entrance...

but they couldn't cover
up the signs of digging.

As usual, we're
on the wrong track.

I haven't had a
chance to talk to Janet.

Oh, my good man. Uh, would you
take this and buy yourself a bar of soap?

You're a dirty guy.

You would think that if the show were
as good as Mr. Machina says it was...

uh, why was the
audience so quiet?

Maybe they were, uh, overcome?

But wouldn't you think they'd
give us at least one curtain call?

And Miss Lamentiere... Oh, I
hate to be sour grapes, but...

- How was she?
- Oh, I could play rings around her.

How do you suppose
she ever got the part?

- Come on, I'll get you something to eat.
- Ha-ha-ha.

No. Thank you, Napoleon.

I just wanna go
home and go to sleep.

Oh, one of my shorter
dates. Very pleasant, though.

- Okay, I'll take you home.
- You don't have to.

Oh, I thought maybe,
uh, we could talk...

about Miss Osborne,
Machina, other things.

Please. I'll feel much more like
talking tomorrow night, I'm sure.

Mm. All right. Only slightly
offended, he bade her good night.

Mr. Solo?

- Uh, yeah?
- We've got a message to relay to you.

- Yeah, like don't go near that broad.
- Anymore.

At all. You see, a friend
of her likes it that way.

That way.

See, I thought that kind of dialogue
went out with high-button shoes.

- We're very serious.
- Very.

Oh, well, I think everyone
should be serious once in a while.

Does that leave any doubt
he's an U.N.C.L.E. agent?

I'm afraid you're
right, my dear.

I think, however, a
mere working over...

is not gonna keep him out of
our hair for these next crucial days.

- I have a suggestion.
- What?

Put Mr. Solo in the lake.

In you go, pal.

Okay, you tie
him up. I'll drive.

All right. Stay on that
street, they're right to the lake.

Okay.

Sir, Mr. Solo's distress
transmitter has been activated.

Here's where it started.

Get me Mr. Kuryakin.

It seems to be heading
towards Central Park.

All right, put him
down, right there.

I can't say I approve much of
your choice of swimming pools.

It would be all right if they just wouldn't
put so much chlorine in the water.

Come in, Mr. Solo.

Where are you?

In a Turkish bath, sir.

Oh. Oh, yes, of course.

Well, we ran a check
on Mr. Machina.

A Thrush?

I wouldn't be surprised.

Very wealthy, source unknown.

Has a background in electronics.

Everything adds up, sir,
except there's no sign of a tunnel.

How else could they
be using that theater?

That I don't know.

But it's absolutely
imperative that we find out.

Our inability to use the computer
is paralyzing our entire organization.

Well, I have an idea they
killed Eileen Osborne...

because she found something...

and replaced her with one of their
own so they wouldn't have to do it again.

Ergo, the answer must be
available to the new leading lady.

Hmm.

Well, perhaps, under the circumstances,
we ought to have someone on the inside.

I have another idea, sir.

Didn't you tell me you
played the French horn?

I play the English horn, yes.

Well, French horn, English horn.
What difference does it make?

There is a number in the
show called "A Man is a Horn."

Ugh. Oh, no, I
categorically refuse.

It's a direct order,
Mr. Kuryakin.

Yes, sir.

How do you intend to get rid of the fellow
who's doing it now? Knock his teeth out?

Haven't you ever heard
of Napoleon Solo...

the talent scout for the
famous Hollywood mogul...

L.B. Sternmacher?

- Huh?
- Uh-huh.

How could you do it to me,
Mr. Solo? Stealing one of my best men.

Off he goes to Hollywood
without even an hour's notice.

Now, how am I gonna replace him?

You got a couple of
hours till show time.

- You'll come up with something.
- Oh, thanks a lot.

Napoleon, you never told me you
were a talent scout for Hollywood.

Well, I didn't want to destroy
the purity of our relationship.

Oh, yeah, but... Gee
whiz, Freddy Smallwood?

Your time will come, love.

- Winky.
- Things are just...

- Winky.
- What?

A guy wants to
see you about a job.

I'm busy. Now, go
away, will you, Adolph?

He says he plays the horn.

Plays the horn?
Well, where is he?

There's this question
of timing and talent...

and if you got the talent, the
timing will eventually work itself out.

A man is a horn

Viciously he vibrates
In double-reed duplicity

Honking, screeching, squealing

Displaying his talents
For nothing but noise

A man is a horn

He is also a lute

Strings turned tightly
to tune the tension

That pulls him apart

While percussively
plucking the strings

And goodness that should
In his heart find a plot

Where'd you get him?

It was a miracle.
An absolute miracle.

But there's not

A man is a lute

I don't believe in miracles.

A man is a drum

What's the matter, Miss Lamentiere?
You look as if you've seen a ghost.

Oh, uh, it's... It's just that I
didn't expect to see you here.

Oh, as a matter of fact, I
didn't expect to be here.

I guess I'm just staged.

A man is a drum

You can't stand here, mister.

Uh, well, I'm waiting
for Miss, uh, Jerrod.

It's very dank
out in the alley...

and I understand there's a very bad
hoodlum element in the neighborhood.

Adolph, he's okay.

- Stay out of the way, all right?
- Oh, indeed, I will, yes.

- Hi.
- Hi.

A man is a song

Isn't he great?

Not bad if you like
one-man bands.

You know, this
is tomorrow night?

- Fine. Fine, fine.
- Good.

- Fine, I'll be right with you.
- All right.

- Anything?
- Not so far. What about you?

I don't know how
important it is...

but the star's dressing
room is always locked.

Even she doesn't have the key.

Who does?

Him. Name's Adolph.

Hmm.

"A man is a horn"? Hmm.

- I'm ready.
- Okay.

Open Channel D
for Napoleon Solo.

Napoleon. Come in, Napoleon.

I know another one
you're gonna like too.

Um, I sing all the instruments.

Napoleon. Come in, Napoleon.

Sorry I had to call you back,
but I figured you'd wanna know.

You did the right thing, Adolph.

- Do you know who it is?
- No, sir. I didn't see him.

Just a moment.

Napoleon. Come in, Napoleon.

That's our little
man with the horn.

Come in, Napoleon.

Looks like we need another
replacement for tomorrow.

A pity. He was the
best thing in the show.

- Napoleon Solo.
- Hmm.

Should I take care of him now?

Unfortunately, yes.

- Decidedly, no.
- What?

Come, come on, dear.

Think.

If U.N.C.L.E. has
planted a man in the cast...

they obviously must have
strong suspicions about us.

What would you do if you
were in their circumstances...

and highly suspicious?

I'd postpone the computer input.

Of course you would.

You'd postpone it until
you stopped the leak.

I think we should
free Mr. Kuryakin.

And try to convince him that
the leak has been stopped.

- Adolph.
- Huh?

Napoleon, for the last time,
will you come in, please?

Napoleon. Come in, Napoleon.

Well, whew.

Well, what do you think L.B.
Sternmacher would say to that?

Uh... Why don't you make some
coffee and we'll, you know, talk about it?

Oh.

Whoa. Boy, am I glad to see you.

I thought I might have
to spend the night here.

You see, I rather
stupidly locked myself...

Huh.

You didn't lock yourself in.

- What?
- I locked you in.

Oh?

No, no, please. Listen to me.

- I know you're from U.N.C.L.E.
- Go on.

And I know just what you're
looking for. The computer tap, right?

You're answering the questions.

Okay. I can lead you to it.

I mean it. You just say the
word and I'll take you there.

Why should you do
such a noble thing?

Money.

Oh.

- How much?
- Twenty thousand. Ten.

Look, you gotta
make it worthwhile.

If Thrush finds out what I'm doing,
you know what's gonna happen?

With a little money, I
can leave the country.

Maybe South America.

I can start all over again.

I'm not in the habit of carrying
that much cash with me.

No, but you can
get it, can't you?

You lead.

- This is where I leave you.
- Just a minute.

Look, Mr. Kuryakin, I brought
you here, that's enough.

Don't expect me to be around
when things start happening.

I'm not sure I'm getting
$10,000 worth of service.

You just go through there.

If you don't find what you're
looking for, you don't pay.

I'm afraid that won't do.
You just keep leading.

And don't turn around.

This one lists the
batting averages...

of all the players in their
interoffice softball league.

Hardly of earth-shaking
importance, is it?

Not at the moment. But, uh...

It couldn't have gone
better, Mr. Machina.

I saw the explosion myself.

It was a good one?

- Beautiful.
- Excellent.

You'll forgive me
if I gloat, my dear.

But I have reason to
be quite proud of myself.

When I first proposed to Thrush Central
that we build and equip two tunnels...

one to be used as a decoy, you
should have heard them scream:

"You can't do that, Machina.

You're already over
budget for the first tunnel.

It is a complete waste
of time and money."

Now, I wouldn't be surprised
if I were in line for a promotion.

- I knew you were on your way up.
- Hmm.

- From the moment I met you, I knew it.
- Hmm.

- Adolph.
- Huh?

How much is this U.N.C.L.E.
agent going to give you?

Five thousand dollars.

Mm-hm.

Knowing you as I do, Adolph,
that means 10. Very well.

When he delivers
it, you can keep 500.

Thank you.

- Do you think he will deliver it?
- I'm sure of it.

I probably shouldn't have given
you such a big piece of cake.

Do you realize this must
have a million calories?

Mm. You know, it's unfortunate
you're such a good cook.

Hmm?

Why, I mean, it takes away
from your other obvious attributes.

Uh... Hey, do you
realize it must be 1:00?

- You know...
- You'd better be going.

- I tell you, I'd hoped that...
- You haven't met my landlady.

If she knew that
you were here...

I do mean it.

You better go.

I have my reputation to protect.

Mm. I see. Well,
you've destroyed mine.

What's that?

My, uh, pen.

- Illya?
- Napoleon, are you all right?

Uh, I'm a bit disappointed,
but that will pass.

Why do you ask?

I tried to get you earlier.

No doubt before the
disappointment set in.

Have you found anything?

I'm not quite sure.

I may have destroyed
the computer tap.

You what?

Well, our friend Adolph,
the backstage doorman?

He led me to it for a price.
But it was too easy, Napoleon.

I think it may
have been a decoy.

And if it was, I have an
idea where the real thing is.

What do you want me to do?

Come to the theater
tomorrow night.

I hate to subject you to the performance
again, but you might be useful.

Shall I bring a few friends?

Yes, it might be advisable.

And if I'm not on-stage, look in
Miss Lamentiere's dressing room.

Oh, and you might
get Mr. Waverly...

to feed some important
misinformation into our computer.

Right.

Illya? Illya. He's not in
show business, is he?

Well, that's debatable. Ahem.

And you're not really
a talent scout for L.B...

- What's his name?
- Uh, St... Sternmacher.

- Yes.
- No, I'm not.

Hey, you must be a
secret agent or something.

Yeah, something.

Well, uh, maybe you
shouldn't go after all.

I mean, wouldn't you
like to tell me all about it?

Well, as a matter of
fact, I'd be delighted.

You think you can do it?

Scared.

No, I mean, I'm really scared.

It's for U.N.C.L.E.

Adolph is back in the office with
Machina, so I should have enough time.

It'll be over in just a minute.

Oh, I hope so.

A mouse! A mouse!

A mouse! It's a mouse! It's
a mouse! JANET: A mouse!

No, you can't go in there.
Where's Adolph? Adolph!

Adolph!

- What is it, Linda?
- Oh, A m... A m... A mouse in there.

All right, all right, everybody.
We have a show in a few minutes.

- Get ready.
- Okay, guys, come on, it's warm up time.

Come on, dancers, let's go.

There he is. I'll
get that mouse.

- Come on.
- Wait.

The trapdoor. It's been opened.

- Huh?
- Linda!

Linda.

Did you get him? Huh?

Kuryakin. Where is he?

Oh, I don't know. I saw him talking
to that understudy a while ago.

Oh.

No!

- Aah! No!
- Well, then.

Perhaps Miss Jerrod
will help us to look for him.

Things have a habit of
repeating themselves, don't they?

They do indeed, Mr. Kuryakin.

Oh.

If you will drop your gun,
please, Mr. Kuryakin?

Remarkable, wouldn't you say so?

How did you manage to get it
so close without our detecting it?

Oh, very simple,
Mr. Kuryakin. Technology.

New digging equipment which
cuts with ultrasonic waves...

almost no seismic vibration.

And the dirt is being processed
by a reactor right on the device.

Most of it turned
into harmless gasses.

All the dirt of this tunnel and the
other one wouldn't fill two barrels.

Very ingenious.

You wouldn't consider
selling it to U.N.C.L.E.?

How much?

Ah, that's more like it.

"Specifications of a
new U.N.C.L.E. weapon...

and a chemical formula
for a new explosive."

Do you mean you bought
all those tickets for our show...

just so you could use
our show as a cover-up?

My dear, there was a much
more functional problem.

The day the show
closes, the lease expires.

Now, it wouldn't be a shame...

to be evicted from such a profitable
location as this? Wouldn't it?

You didn't like the show at all?

Oh, you hypocrite.

We all have our little failings.

She doesn't know
anything about it. Let her go.

Well, I just might do that,
Mr. Kuryakin. Except for one thing.

What? What's that?

Well, obviously, with
Linda out of the picture...

you will have to go
on in her place tonight.

The understudy gets her big chance.
- What?

Do you really think I'd go on
after what I found out about you?

My dear, this is not
a debatable matter.

I need that performance.

Tonight, of all nights, I don't
want any suspicions aroused.

And the performance needs you.

I'm sure you'll be splendid.

I'd just like to see
you make me do it.

You really wouldn't
like that, believe me.

You'll do it.

You see, because if you don't,
we will kill your friend Mr. Kuryakin.

Charming girl.

I really feel badly
about having to lie to her.

Oh? What was the lie?

Why, the implications if she performs,
that she will be able to save your life.

Janet. Janet, where
have you been?

They just told me Linda
wouldn't be here tonight.

Tonight, of all nights, when I persuaded
him to come back and see the show again.

- Who?
- Paul Hastenbrook.

I told him the show has been redone
and he'd scoop all the other critics.

- But it hasn't been redone.
- But it's jelled. It has confidence.

Don't you see? He's gonna think he's
seeing a new show. Isn't it marvelous?

It comes on your
shoulders, Janet.

This is your big chance.

Tonight... Tonight, you are
being gripped in the hands of fate.

You understand it took
some forceful persuasion...

to get these
tickets for tonight.

Yes, I suspected as much.

Show sold out and all that.

We've got men scattered
throughout the house, just in case.

Excellent.

I only hope there won't
be any disturbance...

until after Kuryakin's been on.

- I'm most eager to see him perform.
- Hmm.

Ladies and gentlemen, may
I have your attention, please?

Tonight, the part of Susan Everybody
will be played by Miss Janet Jerrod.

Thank you.

That should be a pleasant
surprise for you, Mr. Solo.

I'm not at all sure
about that, sir.

Wonderful.

Top-secret personnel records
of all U.N.C.L.E. executives.

I can assure you, we will
make excellent use of this.

And now, Mr. Kuryakin, I
think I go enjoy the show.

I hope they will make do without
a horn player just this once.

I march for love Justice,
brotherhood and art

I march for wit, knowledge
Happiness and heart

I march for good,
kindness Diligence and truth

For the wisdom of age
And the wonder of youth

Stand up and shout
Stand up and march

You got nothing to
lose Except your arches

Stand up and march
Stand up and shout

If you wanna learn
what life is all about

It's, uh, not one
of her better nights.

Stand up and shout
Stand up and run

You will never guess Who's
trapped inside the tunnel

Stand up and march

Stand up and sing

You will find that friends
Are waiting in each wing

- Excuse me, sir.
- Lost your nerve?

The show just wouldn't
be the same without you.

- It's nice to be missed. How's Janet?
- Lousy but unharmed.

- Well, that won't last.
- I'm afraid you're right.

I take it that's the real thing?
- Yes.

And it's spewing out an
awful lot of misinformation.

Go on. I'll catch up with you.

All Thrush people! We need you.

Keep dancing. Keep dancing.

It's better than unemployment.

The men who
fight, they fight for us

And they sure could
use A little extra muscle

Get the girl. JANET
Stand up and fight

Stand up and roar

Or you'll soon have
Leading Lady Number 4

Keep playing. Keep playing.

Keep playing

Stand up and shout
Stand up and march

You got nothing to
lose Except your arches

Stand up and march
Stand up and shout

If you wanna learn
what life is all about

Bravo! Bravo!

Bravo.

"I don't recall ever
being so stunned...

as by the total theatricality
of the second act...

in which every physical
and sensory means...

is used to embrace the audience
in a memorable experience."

Oh.

"And saving the
best until last...

Janet Jerrod's transformation from
the nervous, off-key stereotype...

to a zany, wild-eyed hoyden...

marks the arrival
of a brand-new star.

See it. By all means, see it."

Can you believe it? Oh.

- It's marvelous. JANET:
Thank you, thank you.

- Yes, you were particularly so, my dear.
- Thank you.

Oh, it's so exciting.

What will the audience
do when they don't find...

that total sensory
experience at the end of Act 2?

Well, it's another old
American tradition.

Theater audiences generally
like what the critics tell them to like.

Exactly.

As a matter of fact,
I've already decided...

to incorporate the fight scene
into the show every night.

Herbert and Marvin are
writing music and lyrics for it...

Say...

Now, this is kind of an
offbeat casting idea...

but how would you two like
to play yourselves in the show?

Don't call us.

We'll call you.