All language subtitles for S00vE08.Live.Again.

I regret to announce that

The League of Gentlemen
are going to be late on stage tonight

due to traffic problems.

However, here to start the show,
please welcome

Legz Akimbo Theatre Company.

♪ Hi, my name is Johnny Smith

♪ I'm just 14
And I'm strutting my stuff

♪ I like to rap, I don't like school

♪ Too many teachers, too many rules

♪ My mum, my dad are overprotective

♪ They spy on me like TV detectives

♪ Hi, my name is Johnny's Mum

♪ I'm fond of gin and Valium

♪ My boy Johnny is now a teenager

♪ He still needs to know about
stranger danger

♪ Stranger danger!

♪ There's so much risk
in the world today

♪ That's why I carry this pepper spray

♪ Hi, my name is Johnny's Dad

♪ I don't like rap, but I do like jazz

♪ I know from my experience
That the world is full of deviants

♪ The boy needs a hobby
to grow up safely

♪ Like drama club with Kevin Spacey

- ♪ My mum and dad say...
- ♪ Stay out of the park

♪ Especially at night
when it's getting dark

♪ But I don't care, respect I lack

♪ It's light anyway
'cause the clocks have gone back

♪ I'll ignore their warning
'cause that's my style

- ♪ I've never even heard of a...
- ♪ Paedophile

Careful with it!

Here, little boy, do you want to come
and play on my PlayStation?

You can fiddle with my joystick.

No, thanks!

♪ I won't go with the man
in the dirty mac

♪ I've changed my ways
and I've never looked back

♪ Put a lock on your door
so your dad can't get in

♪ Is your grandad coming round?
I wouldn't trust him

♪ If you wanna stay safe
and have a good future

♪ Make friends in a chat room
On a computer ♪

Boom!

- Are we playing for money?
- That's the only way to play, Doc.

Would you like to do the honours,
young man?

- I will, sir.
- Right, what's it to be then?

Erm... Knock-out whist.

Knock-out whist! I think not, Doc.

Let's have a round of Slippery Jack.

Excellent, sir, excellent!

Er, I'm afraid I don't know
how to play that one.

You don't know Slippery Jack, Doc?

Doc doesn't know Slippery Jack, Mike.

You don't know Slippery Jack, Doc?
All right. Let's have a round

- of 40-card Drag.
- Good idea, young man!

- One, two, three...
- Forty-card Drag,

is that the one that's a bit like poker?

Oh!

Don't you know any card games, Doc?

Yes, whist, knock-out whist,
rummy, pontoon.

Now, come on, let's have a game
of Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!

Excellent, sir, excellent!

I'll just sort through these.

Look, I don't know how to play
that one either.

Oh, everyone knows
Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!

- I don't. I don't.
- You do.

You do! It's like a cross between
Hoover and Eight Men Down!

Well, I don't know
how to play those either.

- Oh!
- It's all right.

We'll just have to explain the
rules to you then, Doc.

- It's very simple.
- Jacks are worth 10,

kings are worth three.

Apart from one-eyed jacks
which are wildcards.

But we'll come to those in a minute.

Round one, you get a hand of nine,
round two, of seven.

- Two's your wildcard.
- We'll come to those in a minute.

Apart from diamonds
which retain their face value.

- Except the king of diamonds, obviously.
- Obviously.

We play in sequence
unless you can match a pair

or play a card in
ascending or descending order.

If you can, that's a
Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!

You stand up,
pick up all the cards on the table

and shout "Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!"

The winner is the man
with the most tricks after 15 hands.

You'll pick up the rest as we play.

Shall we say a pound a round?

Just one thing, are queens worth 12?

What queens?

Queens in the pack.

"The pack"? Sorry, what's the pack?

He means the deck.

Doc, there are no queens.

We're playing with a French pack.

- Deck, Mike!
- French deck. Stand corrected, sir!

Thank you, young man... Hey!

- Right, who's to lead?
- And that's you, Doc.

Oh, I'm not really sure
how to start.

Well, just put a card on the table.

- Erm...
- Come on!

A three?

You can't lead with a three!

This is Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!,
not Bamalama Fizz Batch!

Sorry.

Start again.

Mmm.

Very interesting, Mr Bond.

Huit.

Ace in the hole.

Ten.

- What?
- Well, come on, Doc.

- What?
- That's a Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!

- Is it? Why not?
- Well, you can't touch them!

You've gotta say,
"Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!"

- Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!
- You have to stand up first.

And say, "Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!"

- Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!
- Right, now name your pairs.

- What?
- Name your pairs!

- You didn't say about naming pairs!
- You put down a 10!

- So?
- You put down a 10, you must have pairs!

Why must I have pairs?

Because that's a
Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!

- For God's sake.
- Well, you can't look at 'em!

- What, I'm supposed to remember them?
- That's the whole point!

Look, jacks are worth 10,
kings are with three...

Apart from one-eyed jacks,
which are wildcards.

Look!

Why can't we just play something simple?

And why do we only ever play things
that you two

know the rules of.
It was like this when we were kids.

You used to put bets
on fuckin' Buckaroo!

Why can't we just play...

Hangman.

Or something.

- All right, Doc...
- Whatever you say, Doc.

- Hangman it is.
- Hangman. Sounds good to me.

- Sorry.
- It's all right! Hangman.

We playing Canadian rules or Italian?

Hello, Attachments Dating Agency,
can I help you?

Uh, no, I'm afraid we don't have an app.

No, we prefer to do things face-to-face.

Unlike our clients
who don't do it at all.

Yes, well, if you don't like that,
you can swipe left!

Oh, hello, Ian, nice to see you again.

- Please, uh, take a seat.
- Thank you.

Just, erm, bring up your file.

Now then...

Caring, considerate, good-looking...

Sorry, is this what you are
or what you want?

- It's what I want.
- Right.

I was gonna say, good-looking?

Right then, Ian,
as you know, my name is Olive.

It's my job to build up a profile of you

and match you to a suitable lady
from our extensive files.

I presume you are looking for a lady,
because here at Attachments,

our motto is very much,
"Gay, straight or bi, give it a try."

- No, I definitely want a girl.
- Right.

Okay, question one, are you very kind,
kind, fairly kind,

not at all kind to animals?

- Sorry?
- Are you very kind, kind, fairly kind,

not at all kind to animals?

I can't really say.

So not at all kind to animals.

- Well, no, I am...
- Sorry.

Gotta take your first answer.
Are you quiet?

- When?
- In general.

- Well, sometimes I'm quiet.
- So quiet...

Oh, don't put that.

We need all your bad points
as well, you know.

- That's not such a bad point, is it?
- Mmm, you say that,

you can't get a girlfriend, can you?

Let me explain a little bit

about how a dating agency works.

95% of the people that
walk through those doors are weirdos.

In fact, my boyfriend doesn't like me
working here.

It's not that he's jealous, I tell him,
"You should see the state of 'em."

No.

He just thinks it's depressing for me.

Did you meet him through an agency?

I should tell him that tonight in bed.
He'll laugh. No.

We met at a friend's party,
and that's the thing, you see,

you meet people through people.

And that is what a lot of them
haven't got, friends.

And ultimately you have to
question that, don't you?

Does the agency organise parties?
Singles' parties?

Ian, we tried it once.
It was a disaster.

The women were like mice,

and I don't mean small, they're all
massive through comfort eating.

I mean silent. I went home that night,

I flung me arms round my boyfriend,

I said,
"Thank God we've got each other."

Great to be able to do that, isn't it?

I wouldn't know.

Well, listen to me wittering on.
Let's get you paired up.

Miracles can happen, you know. So,

on a scale of one to 10, how confident
are you? Ten being very confident.

Five?

Two.

Single, married,
divorced, widowed, separated?

- Single, obviously.
- Single.

Ian, are you looking for a physical side
to the relationship?

We have to ask this

because some of our ladies, they're not
capable of blowing up a paper bag,

never mind the other.

- Yes. Yes, I am.
- Yes, you are? Yes, you aren't?

Ooh, it's like Cracker this, isn't it?

Why did you force her?
Why did you force her?

I didn't force her!

I didn't force her.

Right, well, we'll put all this
into our system.

If we get a match,
we'll be in touch, okay?

- Thank you.
- Mmm-hmm.

Olive, do you think that if...
If you didn't have a boyfriend,

- one day me and you could...
- No.

You're very kind, thank you.

Evening. My name is Mick McNamara.

Some of you may remember me as
the former guide at Stumphole Caverns.

The former usher at
the Kelly Butler Memorial Theatre.

Welcome to the Royston Vasey
Tour of Terror.

Voted 48th most frightening ghost walk
in the Northwest.

Southern region.

Of course, some people speculate

that Royston Vasey itself
is a nexus of ley lines.

A so-called "hellmouth."

A portal to another dimension
beyond human understanding.

Others disagree and say
it's merely a shithole.

Just come this way.
Our first port of call.

This may look like the dole office,

but it was in fact the site
of the old Royston Vasey workhouse,

where many an emaciated orphan
starved to death.

The shade of a ragged Victorian boy

can frequently be glimpsed
in that window there.

I say frequently... I've never seen it.

Nor has anybody else.

But it paints a nice picture,
doesn't it?

Be nice to think there was
something beyond this mortal realm.

A tiny scrap of comfort
for those whose lives have been touched

by violent tragedy beyond
their control more than once.

Or twice.

May not think to look at it, but this is
in fact one of the oldest buildings

in Royston Vasey.

This humble, wacky warehouse

was once the site of a Roman encampment.

And the spectres of three legionnaires
have been sighted

floating 20 foot above the ground.

The theory being, they're marching over
a timber bridge long since perished.

Locals have given the trio of spooks
colourful nicknames,

as it is possible to see right up
their little Roman skirts.

So we have

Bollox Maximus,

Little Titch, and, er...

Sheila.

Our final destination, no pun intended,

is this patch of waste ground.

It may look quotidian enough,

but it was in fact here that
I myself believed

I witnessed a phenomenon.

A cowled phantom
half glimpsed in the shadows.

How was I to know it was in fact
a youth in a hoodie

who had somehow attached himself
to the back of my tour group?

Undiagnosed paranoid schizophrenic,

butcher's knife concealed
in the waistband of his trousers.

Three people died that night.

"Real terror on fatal ghost tour."

"Is local man cursed?"

"Tragedy hits Mordant Mick
for third time."

Many people would have been broken
by this, I know I was.

Hence that final walk
to the all-night Aldi

and the purchase of the two bottles
of Domestos.

The desperate scribbled note.

The burnt-out windpipe.

It's funny, ladies and gentlemen,

I never believed in the continuation
of the spirit after death.

I do now.

Forever condemned to wander the earth,
wracked with incessant remorse,

only finding peace with the last trump

on the day of judgement itself.

The fate of all suicide...

Yeah.

Okay, do we have a Pam Doove please?
Or a Pamela Doove?

I'm Pam Doove.

- Hello, there, how you feeling?
- A bit nervous.

Okay, don't worry about that, Pamela.

- Is it Pam or Pamela?
- Oh, Pam, Pamela, whatever. It's fine.

We'll stick with Pamela for now,

- shall we?
- Okay.

My name's Jed Hunter,
I'm gonna be directing this commercial.

I don't know how much
your agent's told you already?

Not very much actually.

Okay, not to worry. Basically, it's
an advert for Greenwood's orange juice.

Right.

It's a new juice
that's just come onto the market,

made from 100%
freshly-squeezed Seville oranges.

- But that's not for you to worry about.
- Okay.

We're in a newsagent's.

It's a beautiful day outside,
and a young girl, Pamela,

walks into the room.
She looks around and says,

"Excuse me, has anyone got
a bottle of orange juice?"

And that's it,
it's just part of a montage.

Right. Erm...

Do you want movements within it?

No, no, no. I mean,
she comes into the shop, obviously.

She looks around and says,

"Excuse me, has anyone got
a bottle of orange juice?"

And that's it, so,

if you wanna give us that
in your own time, that would be

cool.

Do you think I could go out
and come back in again?

Absolutely. Whatever's good for you,
Pamela.

Cool, cool, cool.

- Okay.
- Yeah?

I don't know
what happened there, Pamela.

Right.

- But I lost the line.
- Really?

I think perhaps a bit more diction,
'cause some of the words were, er...

So it's, "Excuse me, has anyone got
a bottle of orange juice?"

- I'll go out, I'll come back in again.
- Absolutely.

Remember that diction, Pamela.

Cooltastic.

More diction.

- Better. Hmm.
- Hmm...

You see, again, I'm not getting
a sense of the line as written.

Oh. Erm...

You're playing her quite angry,
aren't you?

Yeah. Yeah. Quite angry.

- You see, I wonder whether that's right.
- Maybe she's a calmer person?

I think she is.
I think she is a calmer person.

Let's not forget,
it's a beautiful day outside.

And maybe the drink is like
for a picnic or something?

Sure, she's going on a picnic
with a whole gang of friends.

A question, how old do you think she is?

- We know she's young.
- Teens?

- She's your age!
- Nearly 50 then.

She's nearly 50, she's walking into
a newsagent's. She says,

"Excuse me, has anyone got
a bottle of orange juice?"

Just try and lighten her up a bit.

Yes! Yes. I've got it. I know now.

With a smile. Big smile.

- Well, thanks for coming in.
- Thank you.

I really enjoyed it.
Does she drink the orange juice?

Ah, no, we cut away to another...

- Sorry, what did you say?
- When?

Just then you said,
"Does she drink the..."

"Orange juice."

Just say the rest of the line...

Has anyone got a bottle of orange juice?

- But she's polite, remember.
- Oh, yes, excuse me,

has anyone got a bottle of orange juice?

Okay, Pamela, hold on to that thought.

I want you to deliver the line
exactly as you did it then.

Totally naturalistically. Throw it away.

Go...

Do you get much work
as an actress, Pamela?

No.

And now on Made in Vasey Challenge TV,

it's back to 1981

and part two of Fun Night
with Mike King.

Welcome back, welcome back!

Now, before the break,
our new friends Victor and Margaret

managed to get themselves
through to the final.

As well as winning £45

and a video cassette recorder.

So we've got a little bit of time
to get to know them a little bit better.

Victor, what did you do
before you retired?

- I was a slaughterman, Mike.
- Right.

And what about you, Margaret?

- District nurse.
- Ooh, speak up a bit, my darling.

- District nurse.
- Right.

And, uh...

I believe... I believe you've got quite
a funny story about how you first met.

- It was at a clinic, wasn't it?
- Yes,

it was a genital urinary clinic.

And you were his nurse.

I had to catheterise him, Mike.

- And how was that for you, Victor?
- It wouldnae go in, Mike.

I bet that brought tears to your eyes.

I had one or two stabs at it.

So I had to get help from another nurse.

Coloured, mind.

Well, I don't think we need to, er...

It was like a punctured hosepipe, Mike.

There was urine everywhere.
Soaked right through me jamas.

Yes, well, let's hope
we slip into the mystery round

with a little more success.

I still have trouble, Mike.

Yeah. Right. In a minute... In a minute,
we're gonna play another game,

but before we do,
and for some potential bonus points,

Victor, why don't you go and listen
to some nice music,

and me and Margaret are gonna have
a little chin-wag.

A round of applause for Victor!

Now then, Margaret,

he can't hear a word we're saying.
So between ourselves,

are there any little things
that annoy you about him?

- There are, Mike, yes.
- I thought there might be.

He's got bad breath, Mike.

Would Victor benefit from
the odd Trebor first thing?

No, no. It's worse than that,
it stinks like the grave.

Well, we're only human, aren't we?

He belittles me in public.

At home, it's like I don't exist.

I spend hours cooking him food.
He just chews it up

and spits it out in the tablecloth.

Really?

He's got me eating out of a dog bowl.

Well, we all have our weaknesses,
don't we?

That's not his only weakness.

It's the prostitutes.

I followed him once.

The 650, Manningham Lane into Bradford.

He's without shame or conscience.

Oh, boys will be boys!

I hate him, Mike!

I really hate him!

You know, when you lie in bed at night
and you can't sleep...

- Oh, is he a bit of a snorer?
- No, no, no.

You lie there thinking, how long would I
have to hold the pillow over his face?

How much of a struggle
would that actually be?

And do I have the strength?

Are you all right, love?

Well, it's your turn
to go in the booth now,

so we can get Victor out.
Round of applause for Margaret!

Now then, Victor,
has Margaret got any annoying habits?

I hate her, Mike.

Shall we go to a break?

♪ Bright eyes... ♪

It's such a beautiful film, Patricia.

A beautiful film.

The little rabbits, they are so brave.

There are so many obstacles
for them to overcome.

- Isn't that right, Al?
- It is a good film, Pop.

You see, Patricia, the magic lies in
the fact that although they are rabbits,

really they talk and act...

Like people.

Anyway, let's talk about you, Patricia.

When are you gonna make
an honest man of my son?

- Oh, I'm sorry?
- Well, you make a beautiful couple.

You, Patricia, with your fine skin
and shapely bosom.

And you, Al, with your good health
and thick body hair,

which he has inherited from his pop.

Together, you will produce
superior children!

Well, we've only just met, really, Mr...

Call me Pop.

Patricia's a very cautious person, Pop.
She likes to think things through.

What is to think about?

You meet, you fall in love, you marry,
and then you come and live with me, huh?

'Cause Pop will have a daughter
as well as sons.

I mean, a son.

Anyway, drink.

Drink, it's good, it's good.

You know, Patricia,
Al not have a proper girlfriend.

Imagine this,
39 and still no girlfriend.

I used to weep at night
thinking he might be a Mary queen.

American?

No, a Mary queen!

A poof!

A shit-stabber!

Then one day he says to me,
"I've met a beautiful girl, Pop."

"She works in the hospital as a nurse."

"She's got a great ass, Pop,
I would like to fuck her very much!"

So I said to him, "You be a man!"

All my life
I tried to make man of my son.

When he was a little boy,
we sit down, watch a video together.

- One of my favourites.
- Watership Down?

No.

No, it's called The Ass Master.

It's German.
It's about a guy with a video camera,

and he goes around filming
the asses of beautiful women.

- Then he take them to his hotel room...
- Pop!

Hey! Hey!

What's the matter, huh?

Perhaps now you have no use
for your dirty movie,

now you have met your wife to be, eh?

Mind you, Patricia, she has real class.

Not like those television whores
you like so much.

You wouldn't find Patricia making
lesbian action

on the floor of an Austrian bar.

Now if you will excuse me, Patricia,

I have to make a piss.

Al, I am going!

I'm so sorry.
Please stay a little longer.

He'll wanna go to bed soon.
He's like a great big bear.

Hey, hey, hey,
what are you talking about?

Just talking, Pop.

You chat away
like a pair of real lovebirds.

Yet your Patricia,
she will not talk to me.

Why is she so shy?

Is she frightened of her new pop?

No, we are all friends here.

All friends.

Al, it's time now for desert.

Why don't you fetch us a Kinder egg each
from the box in the attic?

Trish doesn't really like chocolate,
Pop.

She doesn't have to
eat the chocolate,

she can play with the toy inside!

- Now, go! Go!
- Now, now, I...

You know my philosophy, Patricia?

Pop say life is like a newsagent.
There are so many things to tempt you.

Some things are easy to reach,
the cream soda, the Yorkie bars.

But the best things in life,
the box of Milk Tray,

the dirty books...

They are on the top shelf!

You have to reach for them!

My son Al is a good boy,
but still he is only a boy.

A woman like you, Patricia,
should know the touch of a real man.

Feel my breath on your face.

I am hot for you, Patricia.

Like a tube of Murray Mints
that have been left in the sun!

Hot and hard!

Couldn't find them, Pop.

What do you mean you couldn't find them?

- Go and look harder!
- I think I should stay here with Tricia.

Do as you're told, you little pig!

- I've gotta go now, Mr Pop!
- You see,

Patricia, she don't love you any more.

You'll never, ever trust a woman.

Hey, don't cry, don't cry.

What say we sit down,
watch a video before bed, huh?

One of our favourites.

♪ Bright eyes, burning like fire! ♪

There's a man sitting next to you!

Not another man, me. I am.

Just thought you ought to know.

- Thank you.
- It's all right.

- It's a lovely day.
- Yes.

No, I'm telling you, it is a lovely day!

You are in a park, on a bench!

Sitting next to a man, me.

- Am I shouting?
- Sorry?

Am I shouting?

- A little.
- Thought so.

I expect your ears are more finely tuned
than an average...

Normal...

Healthy person's, aren't they?

They are important, yes.

Keep your specs on for one thing.

They've, er,
forecast rain this afternoon.

- I beg your pardon?
- They say it'll rain this afternoon.

How would you know?

Did they write it down for you
in that bumpy writing?

- It was on the television.
- Oh, good! Good for you!

Do you watch a lot of... No.

No, well, it's all repeats anyway.

Nothing you haven't seen before...

- Hey, you should get a Sky box.
- I've got one...

Then you can record stuff
just to listen to it.

Or else save it in case one day,
who knows?

They can put pig's livers
inside you nowadays!

Imagine that, a pig's liver
instead of a human's. So you know,

they might find some way of...

I saw this Tales of the Unexpected once,
and it was just an eye on a stalk.

A brain in a big glass tank with an eye
on a stalk,

and one day if you're lucky,
that could be you!

If I'm lucky.

Well, listen to me. I should be off.

Nice to meet ya.

Right, well, I'll be on my way, then.

Cheerio.

How do you shave!

I bet you cut yourself a lot, don't ya?

Is that why you see so many bearded...
Sightless?

They always look a mess though,
don't they,

dandruff, crumbs in their beard.

Mum used to point to them
on the bus and say,

"That's what'll happen to you if you
don't stop fiddling with yourself."

Didn't stop me though, did it?

I expect you get lonely, don't you?

Rattling round all day in your house
or your hostel,

locked in your own thoughts.

As I say, it's all repeats,

and you do well going for a little walk.
You might meet another...

I mean, look at me...

Ooh... Was it something I said?

Right, come on, then, whose go is it?

I think it's Charlie's turn
to ask us a question.

Right, come on then, Charlie,
get on with it.

He should have
brought his glasses, Tony.

Hey, I'm not the one
who needs glasses, Tony.

She's the one who needs glasses.

Mmm, too right, getting married to him,

I must have been blind, eh, Tony?

Green. What is the world's oldest
known vegetable?

- Charlie.
- No,

the answer is the potato.

- My go.
- Hang on, we haven't answered yet.

One, two, three, pink please!

Oh, no, cheat,
don't play with him, referee.

She said the answer, referee.

Oh, he just can't stand it
'cause we're winning him!

- Pink.
- Is this for a little bit of pie?

- It's cheese.
- Pie!

It's cheese, Stella!

Is it cheese or pie, referee?

It's just an ordinary question anyway.

Well, come on then!

Who is better known as the little tramp?

Don't you dare, Charlie.

Eeh, crimes, I know this one...

- Five, four, three...
- No, shut up!

...two, one...

- Times up!
- Charlie Chaplin?

No! Fatima Whitbread.

That's orange, you blind bitch!

I haven't got me glasses on, have I?

I thought you didn't need glasses!

No, Charlie, it's you I don't need!

Come on, Tony, if we get this right,
we get another bit of pie.

- It's cheese! It's cheese!
- It's pie! It's pie!

All right then!

For a piece of green pie,

sounds like Stella's cooking, Tony.

No, he eats enough of it, though,
don't he?

Judging by the belly on him,
the fat pig!

Shut up!

Come on, if we get this right,
we've won him.

Right, I'm gonna make it
really hard then.

Ooh, where have I heard that before?

Oh, he's getting mad now, Tony. Look,
all the blood's rushed to his head.

- Stella!
- Only place it does rush to these days!

All right...

All right, here's your question then,
you stupid fuckin' slag...

Charlie!

It's all right, Tony,
she knows what she's doing.

It's only a bloody game!

Yeah, like being married to him,
Trivial Pursuits!

Do you want your question, Stella?

- Is it for pie?
- No, it's for me.

Tell him yes, referee.

Yes.

Stella...

Do you still love me?

Oh, that's too easy, Charlie,
ask me another!

- I've had enough of this!
- Sit down, you, we haven't won him yet!

He has to ask me another question.
Come on, Charlie, why don't you ask me?

- Ask me! All right, I'll ask it meself.
- Don't, Stella.

"Stella, have you slept with other men?"

Can't answer that, Charlie.

Why don't you ask Tony?

Tony might know the answer to that one.

Ask Tony.

Five, four, three, two, one...
I hate this game.

We still play it, though,
don't we, Stella?

Look,

why don't we play something different?
Something less stressful.

Like what?

Let's have a round

of Go, Johnny, Go, Go, Go, Go!

Don't think I know that one.

Course you do. Jacks are worth ten,
kings are three.

Apart from one-eyed jacks...

We'll come to those in a minute.

Round one, you get nine cards,
round two is seven.

Twos are wildcards apart from diamonds,

which retain their face value!

Oh, fuck this!

Great, thanks very much, good evening.

For those of you who don't
know anything about theatre,

my name is Ollie Plimsolls,

and I am the writer, director, actor,
producer, creator, decider,

assistant wardrobe, founding member...

Of Legz Akimbo Theatre Company.

Thank you.

Now, earlier you saw an excerpt
from Perve Swerve.

My play about stranger danger.

Which was in fact my 127th
issue-based play.

Thank you very much, that's very kind.

All of my plays have been eligible
for awards,

and yet none of them have ever won any.

Actually, I tell a lie.

I did win a Golden Calliper for
my play about a disabled disco.

It's called Club Foot.

But, erm...

By and Large...

Which is another one of my plays,
about obesity in the swinging world.

It is an issue.

I don't win awards,
and that doesn't bother me,

but I thought it would be an interesting
experiment to write a new play,

which we'll be performing for you right
here, on the stage, in a few minutes,

about why issue-based children's theatre
by Oliver Plimsolls

is ignored time and time again.
So here it is...

It's called One Man, Two Plimsolls.

And it goes something like this...

Hi. I'm Ollie Plimsolls.

Being a young playwright isn't easy.
Especially here in London,

it's just so busy.

♪ Ding, ding, parp,
Stand clear of the doors please

♪ Ding, ding, parp, parp
Mind the gap

♪ Ding, ding, parp,
Stand clear of the doors please

♪ Ding, ding, parp, parp
Mind the gap ♪

- Excuse me?
- Taxi!

Could you tell me where the Royal
Court Theatre is, please?

Haven't got time.

Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Time's the one thing I do have.

That and my enormous talent,
which should be recognised.

- Do I really have to say that, Ollie?
- Yes.

Eventually I found my way
to the Royal Court Theatre

to seek out lots of new, modern writing.

What are you doing?
Why are you putting bricks on my baby?

Tell that to Maggie Thatcher
and the poll tax!

Why are you so angry all the time?

Establishment!

This was exciting.

I felt like I'd been shouted at
for three hours, which I had.

It made me wanna see all different
types of theatre. Musical theatre...

♪ It was red and yellow and green
and brown and scarlet and black

♪ And ochre and peach and ruby and olive
and violet and faun

♪ Pelican gold and chocolate and mauve,
cream and crimson and silver and grey

♪ Azure and lemon and rust and gold

♪ Purple and white and pink
and orange and blue ♪

Puppet theatre...

I'm a horse, there's a war!

And even tramps banging dustbins lids
for hours and hours and hours.

Otherwise known as Stomp.

And that won an Olivier Award in 1994
if you can fucking believe that?

Sorry, go on, Phil, that's fine.

I could have written plays for the West
End, the Royal Shakespeare company

or literally any theatre in the country,

but I chose theatre in education...

Yes, you have to emphasise
the word "chose."

And I chose theatre in education.

I'm not doing this job because
I failed at everything else.

I'm not a teacher!

- I chose theatre and education.
- Better.

Why? Because I was passionate
about issues...

Issues... Issues... Issues...
Issues... Issues... Issues...

Poverty.

Can I do a speech?

Can I? I will then.

Taps.

Big taps on me bath. Rusting away.

Like the country.

Country? Cunt-tree more like.

Rusting away like the taps
on Ma's big bath.

Aye, that's right, Ma.
Poverty is poetry with an extra...

V!

Only nowt rhymes with it.

Homosexuality.

Hi, welcome to Gloria's.
I haven't seen you before.

Erm, I'm not gay.

That's cool. I'm not judging you.

We get all kinds in here,

gays, straights, lesbians!

Ollie, for fucks sake!

Do you want to come back to my house?

It's full of strangers
with poppers and lube!

Okay then.

Homelessness.

Brr.

Excuse me, mate,
do you have a spare cigarette?

I haven't had a cigarette in ages now.

Or food.

That's normal for homeless.

Sometimes we get found dead
of starvation. Nobody cares.

Spare any change, please, guv?

Spare any change, please, guv?

Any change, please, guv?

Change, please, guv?

Please, guv?

Please!

But there was one issue I could never
understand and that was this,

why have I never won any awards?

Oliver Plimsolls...

Who are you?

I'm God.

And I just want to apologise to you.

Why? I'm just a humble writer.

Your plays are brilliant,

and you should have won every
theatre award going!

You want to know the truth?

I was jealous of you.

And so is every other cunt
in this industry!

But awards are meaningless.

I'd rather be remembered for the work.

And you shall.

Your contribution to issue-based
children's theatre will last forever!

Well, if God says so,
I guess it must be true.

I'd better get scribbling.

♪ Religion, acne, bullying, cancer

♪ Issues
Issues

♪ Abortion, suicide, knife crime,
dog muck

♪ Issues
Issues

♪ Female genital mutilation

♪ Issues
Issues

♪ There's so many issues
in the world today

♪ We need to see them in a play

♪ And he could write them
Hip-hooray

♪ 'Cause he's the king of the issues

♪ 'Cause I'm the king of the issues

♪ Issues
Issues ♪

Oh, stitch!

Quickly, Tubbs! In here.

All clear, Tubbs.

Where am I?

Who are you?

What is this place?

It's a wife mine now.

Please...

Please...

Please...

Edward!

♪ Once upon a time

♪ I had a husband

♪ Once upon a time

♪ I had a shop

♪ I used to be a local

♪ Once upon a time

♪ Now I am a prisoner

♪ In this wife mine

♪ Edward, can you hear me

♪ As I sing my mock lament

♪ Only you can free me

♪ With a precious thing

♪ And a doclament!

♪ Tubbs, I can hear you!

♪ I hear you in my dreams!

♪ Tubbs, I will come for you

♪ You are my local queen!

♪ Do not feel forsaken

♪ I will find the truth

♪ About why you were taken

♪ By this photo booth

♪ Edward, can you hear me?

♪ Tubbs, I can hear you

♪ You're all I want

♪ I want you too, my love

♪ I long to be with you

♪ Not long now

♪ And drink a can of Cant

♪ I can, I can't!

♪ We will be together

♪ Because our love is true

♪ And until we get to Swansea...

♪ London!

London?

♪ Will have to do-ooo-oooo

♪ Once upon a time,

♪ I had a husband

♪ And brother

♪ Once upon a time

♪ I had a wife

♪ And sister!

♪ Of course

♪ Edward, will you free me?

♪ Tubbs, have no fear

♪ Down here, I'm not local

♪ Up here, I'm not local

♪ There's nothing for us

♪ Here ♪

Put your hands in the air!

Everybody!

I know you'll come for us, Edward!

We're waiting for you!

To be continued!

Who wants to win a bit of money?
Ha, ha, ha...

Evening, all.

You all got your dabbers?

Right then.

Eyes down for a full house.

Queue the door, 21.

Gandhi's breakfast, 80.

Two fat ladies, 88.

My friend Cream
wouldn't approve of that.

Funny name I know, he were a Thai lad.

He said I was, what was it?
Unreconstructed, set in me ways.

I said, "Of course I am."

"70-odd with an angry prostrate,
my waterworks shot, what do you expect?"

Between the sticks, 86.

Duck and dive, 25.

Udon Thani, that's where we met.

Thailand.

Sweltering it were, like Tenko.

With Leila off Doctor Who.

I'd not had, never had
anyone close like.

Not properly.

Never been kissed, 26.

Had a bit of money though after Dad
went, so I thought why not?

You hear about these fellas, don't ya?

Going off to foreign climes,
coming back with, er...

Dirty Girty, number 30!

Though I suppose I've always known
I've fancied summat a bit different.

A bit extra.

A bit, er...

Danny La Rue, 52.

There were a bar...
Knacky Knacky Knack Knack's.

All coloured lightbulbs
like Peasholm Park,

but without the miniature sea battles.

All these lads done up as lasses.

Titties with tassels and everything.

Really quite beautiful.

Some of them doing things
what it's not nice to talk about.

Cracking open beer bottles
with their wotsits.

The ones that have,
you know, had the op.

Firing ping pong balls some of them.

Reminded me of the old bingo balls
in a way, but, er,

I kept me eyes down.

Suddenly there he is. Cream.

Me and you, number 2.

Cuppa tea, number 3.

I didn't think he were that bothered,
but when I got back to me hotel room...

Knock at the door, 24.

Turns out he'd followed me back.

Cream.

Legs 11.

Legs 11.

So I asked him to come back here
to live with me.

You know, for a while...

Tickety boo, 62.

Man alive, number 5.

Then one afternoon Cream announced
he wanted to go the whole hog, you know.

Have it off. His doodah.

Doctor's orders, number 9.

Wanted to be what he called a proper
wife to me, so in he went.

Then he took bad.

I don't see why they can't keep
hospitals clean.

Never used to be a problem.

My Auntie Sheila was feared
like Himmler on her ward.

Then one afternoon...

Heaven's gate, number 8.

On its own...

On its own, number one.

When Mike and Cheryl...

Announced that they were gonna renew
their marriage vows,

I never thought for a million years

Mike would ever let me
be his best man again.

I've known Mike 32 years!

You get less for murder!

Yeah, all right, Mike,
this is my speech!

And a lot's happened to us in that time.

Well, to me, Mike and Brian.

- Where is Brian, anyway?
- He's in the bog.

Yeah, I bet he is.

Cheryl has never really been part of it.

Although recently I did have
the very great honour

of being asked by Mike

if I would smother Cheryl
while she slept.

Because she got too fat to cope with.
But...

After a change of heart...

I don't mean Mike, I'm talking about
Cheryl's transplant...

As you can see,
the weight has dropped off,

and she's almost back to humanoid form.

But luckily for Cheryl, Mike's always
had a very good sense of humour.

Remember, remember the 5th of November,
Mike, 1998?

When I dressed you as a guy,
put you in a pram,

and you nearly got burned alive
in a bonfire?

Yes, that was very funny, Geoff.

I think my favourite one was
when we got lost on this, erm,

team building exercise and, er,

me and Brian... Here he is.

We thought we'd killed Mike.

We had to dispose of his body
in the woods.

- Wolves did it.
- Yeah.

And we'd have got away with it,

but, unfortunately,
he wasn't actually dead!

Had to spoil it!

But it's not always been
such happy memories.

In 2002, for instance,

Brian got bummed by some binmen.
Do you remember that, Brian?

- Yeah, I do. Yeah.
- Yeah.

And that's not even the bad part!

That same year Mike had to sack me
from Royston Vasey plastics,

and I set off to make my fortune
in London!

On the stand-up comedy circuit.

But, due to clever London people
being a set of miserable arseholes...

I came back, I begged Mike
to give me my old job back,

but he was having none of it...

Do you remember what you said, Mike,
when I stood there,

me cheeks stinging with tears, pleading
with ya to show me a scrap of humanity?

Can't remember, Geoff.

Oh, I remember. Hmm.

I remember clearly.

"Me hands are tied, bud."
That's what you said.

"Me hands are tied, bud."

Bud! Well, bud...

I'm glad you've invited me
back here again today,

'cause I finally realise now

what a fucking jinx you've been
my entire life!

Forever overlooked!

Come off it, Geoff.

And you're no better,
you four-eyed streak of piss!

You know, the only consolation I have,

the one thing that gives me
a tiny sense of justice?

Was it 1987 when both our mums
got really ill?

My mum died and yours didn't.

Exactly!

I won that.

At least I won the mums!

You know I've got this gun, don't ya!

Would you miss me, Brian,
would you miss me?

Do ya think? Ya fuckin'...

Come on, Geoff. Let's not do this, eh.

I still hate ya, Mike.

I hate you even more
with all the added years.

I hate that you've endured.

I know you do, Geoff.

But we still love you!

Don't we, Brian?

Yeah.

But it's Mike and Cheryl's day.

Again.

Charge your glasses, please.
Join me in a toast

to the happy couple.

The happy couple...

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen,

you are live backstage
with the Rev. Bernice Woodall.

Now you may have noticed this
in the foyer earlier.

So what's it all about?

Well, we live today, don't we,
in a very complex world,

and we must tread carefully, mustn't we,

through all the newfound sensitivities
and considerations.

With that in mind, I'd like to think
of myself as the powerful antibiotic,

injected directly into
the gonorrhoea-ridden prick

of contemporary cultural confusion.

So, let's have a little look
at some of the questions

that you've left me and see
if we can't be of some help.

Here we go.

This is from Leanne in row G22.

Hello, Leanne.

"Dear Bernice,
I very much like Chinese food,"

"but my partner is woke and he says
we shouldn't have it"

"as it's cultural appropriation."

"Is there anything you can suggest"

"that might help resolve
this disagreement?"

Well, yes, there is, Leanne.

I suggest that you tell him
to get fucked.

Well, that's that one sorted.

I'll see you in a bit for the next one.

Guten tag, kinder!

Guten tag. My name ist Herr Lipp.

And for the next few minutes,
I'm going to be taking all of you

in my German mouth.

Now as your supply teacher today,

it's really important for me
to understand

what you know and what you don't know.

Where your holes are...

And whether I can fill them for you.

Alles klar?

Alles klar.

Good. Alles klar.

Now, this afternoon I'm going to be
looking for a head boy

and a head...

One of the other ones.

And the best way to do this is for me
to enter your private area! So...

Just going to creep amongst you now,

and let's see who I can finger!

Now as you all know, boys and girls,
there are three words in German

for "that" which are der, die unt das.

Der is masculine for example...

Oh, sorry, madam. Sorry.

Die is a femidom.

And das...

Das is beautiful. What is your name?

Ian.

- Ian, and what is your name?
- Ellen.

Ian and Ellen, boys and girls!

Ian and Ellen!

Big round of applause for Ian and Ellen!

It's, er, quite a tight passage, Ian.

Ian and Ellen, boys and girls.

Ian, you're very cute.

I'd like to tickle your belly button.

From the inside.

Let's sit you over here,
so you're not cock-blocking me.

Ian.

Ooh, I made him cum
with just one finger

Imagine what I could do
with a whole fist.

Please.

Now, Ian, I'm going to give you
a little examination.

Have you ever had a German oral before?

Not for many years.

Not for a while. Okay, well,

let's make a little adjustment here.

Now your lips are closer to the head.

Erm.

Here are your questions, but please
don't turn over till I tell you.

We don't want to rush these things.

Now, boys and girls,
as I'm sure you're all aware,

we have a school trip coming up
to the lovely town of Duisburg.

Which is gonna be
a real good treat, mmm!

The first stop on our trip is going
to be Duisburg art gallery,

so how would we say in German,
"My art trip"?

Mein kunstfahrt.

Congratulations. High five!

That's very impressive, though, erm...

You might see a doctor about that.

Now, on this trip it's real important

that we are all ambassadors
for our school.

So, Ian, how do we say in German,
"I am an ambassador"?

Ich bin ein botschafter.

Yes!

#MeToo.

We're all botschafters here,
boys and girls.

All botschafters.

Now, we have a lovely story in Duisburg,
boys and girls,

about a greedy little goat called May.

And May likes to gobble up everything
that she can see. Yeah?

Bit like me and you.

So, Ian...

How would we say, for example,
"May ate some common boiled silk"?

Mai ass nieder kochen seide.

Almost, I have a big tip for you,
would you like to receive it?

This is pronounced "side."
Silk is pronounced side.

So try again.

Mai ass neider kochen seide.

Just as I thought! Thank you, Ian.

Now, it's quite clear that Ian and I

need to do some
private tutoring together.

So you'll be relieved to know
you can take your seat.

Let's have a huge round of applause
for Ellen, boys and girls!

Thank you.

Ellen, boys and girls!

Congratulations, Ian,
you are my head boy.

Shortly I will take you
to the stiff room,

where I will give you my chocolate star.

Would you like that?

Ah, he's lapping it up!

Now, before we go, there's one more
phrase I want us all to learn,

so please everybody read it
after three, eins, zwei, drei...

Herr Lipp willkommen Ian.

Ja.

Only I willkommen Ian...

And that's a promise.

You've been a great sport.

Let's hear it for Ian, boys and girls!
Ian!

- Thank you so much.
- Thank you.

Ian!

Oh!

Well, sadly, there goes the bellend.

Not you, Ian, not you.

Unfortunately, that means it's the end
of our lessons,

but enjoy the rest of your day.

And remember,
don't let the bugger bite you.

Tschüss!

Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to Surgery in Action Live.

Today's subject,
cataracts and their removal.

Sadly, our usual expert is unavailable,

but we have been able to get our hands
on a last-minute replacement.

Hello.

Hello there.

It's amazing what science can do
these days, isn't it?

Not so long ago, cataracts would have
condemned an elderly animal

to a life of sightlessness,
bumbling around,

banging into sharp objects
and generally having a miserable time.

But now thanks to a simple procedure,
a bright new dawn beckons.

So, without further ado, please welcome
Plop Plop the panda.

Isn't he lovely?

What a magnificent specimen he is.

Now you may not be aware
that Plop Plop was a gift

from the People's Republic of China
to Royston Vasey's...

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa...

Poor old Plop Plop really is
as blind as a bat.

Let's get you into the chair.

There's a clever boy.

Nothing to worry about.

There we are.

Have a little munch on your bamboo.

Very good.

Now, the innovation which has made
all the difference

in recent years is of course, the laser!

This remarkable machine is capable
of pointing a beam of light

onto the surface of the moon,

or removing individual crystals
from a snowflake.

Imagine that, boys and girls.

Just going to, uh, power her up.

Let the machine calibrate.

Obviously, I'll narrow the focus
of the beam for the operation.

Oh, dear, I'm afraid Plop Plop
is a little distressed

by the colours, sounds and shapes.

I'll take this opportunity to give
our friend a little sedative,

as it's obviously imperative

that Plop Plop be as calm as possible,

whilst I slice through
those naughty old cataracts.

There, there...

There, there.

Off you go. Good boy.

Now laser, which stands for Light
Amplification by Stimulated Emission

of Radiation was developed...

Do you know what? I'm just gonna make
a tiny adjustment to the chair,

just to make sure that Plop Plop is in
the optimum position for the operation.

I think there's a little screw here
somewhere towards the front.

If I can just find that...

Plop Plop will be as right as nine
pence in no time at all.

Ah there it is, got it.
Yep, that's fine.

Okay. Right, Plop Plop, nothing to...

Oh, dear, oh, dear.

Should have gone to Specsavers.

How is it tonight, Mark?

Er... Pretty good, actually.

Oh, great, well, I'll let you get on.

I know you've got a quick change.

Yeah.

He's a monster, apparently.

Okay, next question.

"Dear Bernice,
This might sound strange,"

"but as a cisgender white male,"

"I have for many years
looked in the mirror,"

"and, despite seeing
a human reflection,"

"I have inside felt something
completely different."

"Where there are hands and feet,
I feel hooves."

"And in the middle of my forehead,
I sense a horn."

"Do you think it's time
to take the plunge"

"and fully identify as being a unicorn?"

What in the name of Christ
are you talking about?

This isn't a magic faraway tree.

Living in the real world, Mister!

Here's an idea, stop looking at yourself
in the mirror

and try to imagine a world
that doesn't revolve around you,

you narcissistic bellend!

Maybe that's what you can feel on your
fucking forehead, ya daft twat!

Turn that fucking camera off.
Whoever said this was a good idea?

How are you feeling, Mickey?

I am sad.

Must be very difficult.
How do you even begin mourning?

With a poo and a shave usually.

I have written her a poem,
would you like to hear it?

Yes, I think that would be appropriate.

"I can't believe you're dead, Pauline."

"I know I'm going to miss you."

"It's strange to think
you're in this box,"

"your penis buried with you."

I think that's,
"Your pen is buried with you."

- Thank you.
- All right.

"You've reached the final resting place
on life's great adventure,"

"but you probably won't remember it,
because you had dementia."

"You won't be getting a restart now,
you're dead and living with Jesus!"

"But I know every morning in heaven,
you'll be shouting..."

Good morning, jobseekers!

Okey cokey!

Pig in a pokey!

Pauline!

That's right, Mickey love!
The bitch is back!

Serving Jobcentre realness.

And look, what an honour, I can't
believe you came to my funeral.

How's Mel?

Mel?

Sorry, I thought it was Sue Perkins
stood there.

Hello, Ross.

What's going on, Pauline?
You're supposed to be dead!

Well, I'm sorry to disappoint you,

but there's plenty of ink
left in this pen yet.

So you know what you can do, don't ya?

- Piss off?
- That's right.

- Yeah!
- Aw.

So what happened, Pauline?

Well, Mickey love, allow me to explain.

It all started when I lost my job,

thanks to that backstabbing slimeball,
Ross Gains.

Do you remember my first day back?

Okey cokey, pig in a pokey!

Good morning, jobseekers.

You just said that, Pauline.

Yes, I know I did, Mickey love,
it's called a flashback.

It's a way of being allowed to
do material from series one.

Now can you all hear me at the back?

Yes.

Can you all hear me at the top?

Yes.

Yes! You're the proper dole scum,
aren't ya?

You cheap bastards!

I dread to think what you lot look like,

it's The Hills Have Eyes down here!

Fuckin' hell!

Well, don't worry, you're gonna have
the last laugh.

Everyone from row G to the front
is gonna be investigated!

No way you're on the dole
paying these fuckin prices.

But remember, we are all
in the same boat.

Well, I'm not, I've got a job.

But you're all in the same boat.

And as such, I want for you
to think of me as your cox.

Cocks!

So what we're gonna do first,
jobseekers,

is write down all the jobs
that we can think of. Okay?

So let's go over to the board now,
and we'll start with babysitter,

bramble-picker, and...

Can I help you?

Ross, come over here a second.

I knew it!

At least he gives a good performance.

Who or what the frig are you

and what are you doing
writing on my pad?

If you had been here on time,
you would know by now.

My name is Cathy Carter-Smith,
and this is now my pad!

Er, I think you're
in the wrong room, dear.

If you're after the Rose West lookalike
competition, it's downstairs.

That's rich coming from the woman
that was baptised at Seaworld.

What's your blood type, Nutella?

Er, excuse me, who do you think
you're talking to?

Well, according to my report,
a 50-year-old psychotic lesbian.

How dare you?
I'm 48 and I always will be.

What do you want me to do about it?

Roll over and shit out
little walnut whips?

Do that again.

You are a dinosaur, Pauline.

You've got to get with the modern age!

It's all about faxes now.
Dial-up modems.

I bet you've never even heard
of a Sony Walkman.

This material has not aged well.

The only job you're ever going to get

is if monkey man here pays you
to give him one!

And then what happened?

I was sent to a women's prison
for attempting to kidnap Ross.

The Clit Clink?

That's right!

And after I was released, you and I
ended up in a romantic relationship.

Well, at least...

At least now your little fireman's
got a nice clean helmet.

My first proper job.

Will it affect me dole money?

I shouldn't think so, Mickey love.

Tell me again about the shop, Pauline.

Well, it'll be called "Her Nibs."

There'll be two giant fountain pens
either side of the door,

and inside, gel pens, highlighters,
50 shades of Quink.

And I can work there at weekends.

You can work there weekends
on a zero-hours contract.

I'll put you in charge of refills.

Speaking of refills,
I think I'm ready to go again.

Oof! It's like a jumbo ballpoint!

Pauline, it occurs to me that
in a zero-hours contract,

I will not receive the pension
and health insurance benefits

to which I am properly entitled
as an articled employee.

You what?

And that's when it hit me.

A health insurance scam.

I chose dementia.

Okay cokey, pig in a... Blanket.

My name is Pauline Scrambled Phones.

Have I done this bit?

Like you, Mickey,
it was easy to pull off,

and it gave me the biggest payout.

The rest was simple.

A forged death certificate,
a life insurance payout,

and me and you in a four-bed villa
on the Côte d'Azur.

That's in France, Mickey love.

You won't need a coat in France,
Pauline, it's boiling.

I'll go get me passport.

Mwah!

Aren't you forgetting something,
Pauline?

Whilst you've been spilling
your guts to Mickey,

I've been under this umbrella
the whole time!

I'm gonna report you to the insurance
company and the police!

Please, Ross. Think of the child!

Beg me. Beg me, Pauline.

But, Ross, we had a connection once.
Don't you remember?

I do regret that.

As an actor, I regret that.

Well, I don't.

You'll never get away with this,
Pauline.

You can't exactly bury an empty coffin.

Oh, no, Ross, I think you
could be right.

Argh! No! Argh!

This one's ready
for the incinerator, guys!

Come on, let's give him a really good
send off! Everybody!

Whoo!

Ross in peace!

Ooh...

Can you hear that?

Someone must be getting married.

I wonder who that could be.

Au revoir, jobseekers!

Dear Benjamin,
I hope that life is treating you well

and that you've managed to forgive me
for tying you to a chair

and forcing you to swallow a toad
that was impregnated

with the soul of your dead uncle.

As you know,
Harvey was the love of my life,

and he will never, ever be forgotten.

In other news, I've decided to remarry.

I've met a wonderful man
on the Internet.

He was selling his dead wife's
vaginal douche on eBay,

and we immediately hit it off.

Do come to the wedding,
it would be lovely to see you.

Much love, Auntie Val.

Hello, Chloe, it's Mummy.

Listen, I've just spoken to Howard,
and he's going to be a few minutes late.

No, he had another row with Barbara
about pronouns,

and she refused to pick him up.

No, it's perfectly all right.

I just asked the vicar to delay
the ceremony for a few moments.

All right. No, no, the toads
are only coming to the night do.

See you soon.

Oh, vicar!

Hello, Dave!

Is that Dave?

Um...

I'm afraid my fiancé is stuck
in traffic, but he'll be here shortly.

Don't worry, Dave, he doesn't
need to be here.

We can start without him.

Dear Dave's...

Oh, erm...

We are gathered here to-Dave's...

In sight of the holy trinity,
Simba, Pebbil, Tiktik.

To marry this woman to this man.

First of all I must ask
is there any reason...

Anyone to know the reason
for the block in the toilet.

Please declare it now.

Anyone? No? Okay.

We may begin the reading, Dave.

Give me your hand.

- Dave...
- Er, my name's Val.

- So who is this Dave?
- I don't know.

Don't worry, Dave, I won't say anything.

Dave, do you take this man to be
your lawful wedded Dave?

Will you love him, honour him,
comfort him, buy some pegs, Dave!

Erm, I will.

Good. You may now fix the toilet.

I'm sorry?

You've gotta fix the toilet, Dave,

there's a tampac inside
belonging to you.

A tampac?

Yeah. Real big one.

But vicar you're supposed to be
marrying me.

I'm trying to marry you.

I would now like to ask the congregation
to join with me

in reciting the Lord Dave's prayer.

Repeat after me, autum spraw...

Autum spraw.

Ticbana sandwa.

Ticbana sandwa.

Birds Eye Potato Waffles,
so waffly versatile!

Birds Eye Potato Waffles,
so waffly versatile!

That's right.

Okay, clap your hands, everyone,
let's go!

Okay, stop, stop, stop!

Hat nearly came off.

Now wh... Oh, she's gone.

Not to worry, there are plenty more
replacements here this evening.

Okay, ladies, I want you to raise
your left hands.

Raise your left hands, ladies,
I wanna see the rings.

Show me the rings.

Not that kind of ring, sir.
You can sit back down.

Okay, get your hands back down
if you like.

Having showed me your rings, you have
entered into a legally binding contract.

From this day forward,
to grab and to hold.

For worse, for poorer and in sickness,

I hereby declare you're my wives now!

Rock and roll,

what does it mean to you?

For me, it's a euphemism for sex, right?

Exciting, raw, a Saturday night.

Whiskey a go go.

Screwing a broad hard
against a brick wall.

What does it mean to you?

I was an emergency Womble.

What?

Radio 1 Roadshow, August 1974.

There must have been upwards
of 100 people on that beach.

Tobermory had the runs,
so at the last minute he couldn't go on.

I was just selling cornets by the lavs.

Then suddenly there he is, the governor,
Mike Batt.

"I need a Womble!" He says.

I was inside that costume
before you could say Pickettywitch.

Ponged a bit, mind, but Madam Cholet
had a tin of Mr Sheen in her pouch,

and that freshened up the gusset a bit.

Listen, fuck The Wombles!

Ooh. I don't think that'd be right,
Mr Dredge.

Whatever the hell they are.

I need you to put your soul
into this new material.

I need a song from the heart.

Les, show me who you are
for Christ's sake!

Tell me!

♪ I guess I'm just a simple man

♪ I've never really had a plan

♪ I've just been taken wherever
the wind, it has blown me

♪ It never really blew me far

♪ From Middlesbrough to near Redcar!

♪ Where I worked for a man
who owned a mobile disco

♪ Whoa-ho!

♪ We did weddings and Christmas dos

♪ Till he got on the local news

♪ For taking photographs
of topless girls

♪ That were technically minors

♪ They were minors

♪ So I took up the bass guitar

♪ I knew that it would carry me far

♪ Which it did to a band that played
weekends at Butlin's in Farley

♪ Butlin's in Farley!

♪ From there it would be a short hop

♪ To the heights of Top of the Pops

♪ Or at least an appearance with Mud

♪ On Seaside Special

♪ Seaside Special

♪ When I say an appearance, I mean

♪ I was running the dry ice machine

♪ That engulfed Les Gray
in thick clouds of CO2

♪ That nearly choked him!

♪ Choked him

♪ So it's back to the drawing board

♪ And I knew that I had finally scored

♪ When I got wanked off in a van
by a groupie called Maureen

♪ Groupie called Maureen

♪ I think she felt sorry for me

♪ She looked a bit like Kiki Dee

♪ If your half-closed your eyes
and ignored her west country accent

♪ West country accent

♪ But now I am an older man

♪ And I look back on my life
with no plan

♪ It was a young man's game
and truly it was a shit business

♪ A shit business

♪ But I never lost me hopes and dreams

♪ And though not much came of me schemes

♪ I still see Maureen sometimes

♪ When the grandkids aren't with her

All right, my lover?

♪ I guess I'm just a simple man

♪ I've never really had a plan

♪ I've just been taken
wherever the wind, it has blown me

♪ It has blown me

♪ I guess I'm just a simple man

♪ I've never really had a plan

♪ I've just been taken
wherever the wind, it has blown me

♪ She has blown me

♪ Mau-reen's blown me! ♪

Thank you, Hammersmith!

Dear Auntie Val,

thank you for the invite
to your upcoming wedding,

which I'm afraid I'm going to
have to respectfully decline.

The truth is,
since Uncle Harvey's passing,

many difficult memories
have come flooding back.

Perhaps none more pronounced
than a particular morning

in early April.

Ah, Benjamin. There you are!

I was wondering when
you were going to join us.

Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't realise.

Well, we've already established,
haven't we,

that there are certain individuals

who prefer to live life
at a more laggardly pace.

No, I'm just...

Snoozy and shiftless.

Forever regrouting the bathroom tiles
with their own ready-mixed paste.

I'm sorry?

Never mind, never mind.

It's just that what with it
being a Saturday, I thought...

As you're here, I was hoping you could
help me with a rather delicate problem.

As someone who comes
into regular contact with toad slime,

I seem to have developed
a neurogenic bladder.

I see.

And sadly that means I've been denied
the life-giving consumption

of the perfect blend of metabolites
particular to one's own water.

Right, so you're upset because
you can't drink your own piss.

Precisely.

If you'd care to position the jug.

Well, can't Auntie Val
hold the jug for you?

What do you mean?

I must be in a state
of complete relaxation

if the treatment is to work.

It's the only sure-fire way.

♪ There's an old mill by the stream
Nelly Dean

♪ Where we used to sit and dream
Nelly Dean

Is he actually gonna do anything
or am I gonna stand here like...

♪ And the waters as they flow

♪ Seem to murmur soft and low

♪ My sweetheart and I love you
Nelly Dean

♪ Oh, Nelly Dean! ♪

Stop it! Stop it!

What kind of animals are you?

How can you live this way?

You should be ashamed of yourselves!

I'm sorry, Auntie Val,
but it needs saying. I can't just...

- Ooh!
- What's the matter? What is it?

I'm afraid, Benjamin, you've triggered
your Auntie Val's fractious bowel.

It's a condition which afflicts her
in moments of extreme distress.

Well, isn't there anything we can do?

It starts with a psychogenic seizure.

Ugh...

An involuntary spasming
of the muscles...

God!

And leads all too quickly, I'm afraid,
to a violent spasticity of the colon!

And there it is...

What is it, Benjamin? What's the matter?

- I think it's my ripeophobia.
- Ripeo...

I'm sorry, Uncle Harvey,
I didn't tell you.

It's a spontaneous reaction
to another's defecation.

Well, really, Benjamin, I don't...

Oh, no, God help us!

What is it, what's wrong?

It's your Uncle Harvey's immetaphilia.

Immetaphilia?

A violent and uncontrollable
sexual arousal

in the face of another person's vomit.

Oh, God!

Forgive me, Benjamin,
I know not what I do!

I only came down for a crumpet.

Welcome back, ladies and gentle...
Well, this has been such fun, hasn't it?

But I think we've got time for one last
insightful question

before our time together is through.

So fingers crossed,
let's hope it's a good one.

I've loved this.

So this is from Kath in row K.

"Dear Bernice,"

"I have been bothered for some time"

"about an incident that took place
in 1970"

"at a close friend's party."

"Her grandfather who was 93
and wheelchair-bound"

"brushed his blanket against me,
touching my bottom."

"I still feel violated and am not sure
how best to find closure."

"Please can you help?"

Is that all you've had to worry about
in 50 fucking years?

An old man accidentally touching you
with a blanket?

Probably the stiffest thing about him
was the valve on his catheter bag!

It's like this fucking MeToo business.

What do you think's gonna happen

if you get in a bath with them
with no clothes on?

Excuse me!

Eh?

I don't believe these are real problems.

Hang on, hang on!

If you've got something to say,
you can say it to my face.

I'm coming out there!

Now what do you want?

I don't believe these are real problems.

I think you've pre-scripted them,

so it's an excuse to present
your out-dated views.

Really? Carry on.

Yeah, well, it might have been all right
20 years ago,

pretending to mock right wing values
when actually you agree with them.

But things have changed.

Thank you.

Now, I think you'll find...

Fucking piece of shit!

A word of advice, ladies and gentlemen,

if you don't agree with something,
shoot it in the chest with a crossbow.

Do join me next time when
we will be debating who's allowed to go

into which toilet, whilst western
society burns down all around us.

Good night!

Hello, shop?

Yes, can I help you at all?

My name is Tamara March,
and I represent the Conservative Party.

Fuck off!

No, no, please bear with me,
we are a local party for local people.

A party? Why didn't you say.
I'll make some dips.

I was hoping you might think of me
the next time you visit the ballot box.

Oh, well, I normally think
about my husband.

Or Michael Gove.

You see, the problem with rural areas
like this is public sector workers,

police numbers are going down and down.

We didn't burn them!

Teachers are drowning
in more and more red tape...

We didn't drown them!

And council workers
are being cut every day.

We did do that.

Would you like to flick through
my manifesto?

Oh, Edward, Edward!

Hello, hello. What's going on?

What's all this shouting?
We'll have no trouble here!

She wants to lick my fannymesto.

No, no!

I'm here about the election.

Local election?

It's a by-election actually.

Ah, a swinger, eh?

A toe in both camps.

Gobbling down every dish on the menu.

Ommily, ommily, ommily!

Here, I used to be in a war.

We had to find our own solutions.

I made do with a hole in a cabbage,

but at least I had the decency
to marry her.

Where do you stand on immigration?

You must have noted a huge influx
in strangers coming into your shop.

Young most of them.

Yes, in gangs of one or two.

Wanting to browse, wanting to finger
your precious things.

- Yes.
- They represent change.

We don't like change!

We don't even give change!

Silence, cabbage!

Come, Tamara March,

tell me more of these
Conservative Party policies.

Certainly, and I'll show you
how to hold an election.

Edward! No, don't leave me. Please!

♪ Edward, can you hear me?

♪ I saw you in my dream ♪

Edward, don't forsake me.

He's not coming, is he?

Tubbs... Is that you?

Edward!

How did you find me?

I tracked you with blue dot!

- The tefolone!
- Exactly!

Now, quickly, Tubbs,
we haven't much time.

I've rigged this entire wife mine
to explode in less than a minute.

But, Edward, what about the other wives?

There's hundreds of us down here.

I won't leave them.

It's all right, Tubbs.
There's someone here to help us.

But who is he? What does he do?

He can tell you himself.

I've got fingers in lots of pies.

They're just not my fingers.

Come on, hurry up. I've loaded
the rest of the ingredients...

Er, the ladies into the van.

You will take care of them, won't you?

Oh, yes, I'll take, uh,

special care of them.

Not so fast!

You can't take property
that isn't belonging to you.

Come to Papa, Dave.

You know you want to.

Edward?

I'm sorry, Mr Lazarou.
She's my wife now!

Oh, shit!