All language subtitles for Carry On Screaming English

# Carry on screaming

Aaaaagh!

# Carry on screaming

Aaaaagh!

# Cos when you're screaming
I know that you're dreaming of me

# The clock's striking midnight
The moon's riding high

# A bat flutters by
Everybody's getting goose pimples

# Cold, icy fingers
that run up your spine

# Mm-hm, whoa-whoa-whoa
Come closer

# Come closer

# Those fingers
that you're feeling are mine

# So carry on screaming
Aaaaagh!

# Carry on screaming
# Aaaaagh!

# Cos when you're screaming
I know that you're dreaming of me

# Each single heartbeat's
a sickening thud

# Curdles the blood
Oh, baby, ain't it romantic?

# I've locked the door
and I've swallowed the key

# Mm-hm, whoa-whoa-whoa

# Come closer, come closer

# Cos you bring out
the monster in me

# So carry on screaming
Aaaaagh!

# Carry on screaming
Aaaargh!

# Cos when you're screaming
I know that you're dreaming

# Of me-ee-ee-ee #

Aaaaagh! Aaagh!

What's the matter? What did I do?
Well, what was that funny noise?

W-W-What funny noise?
I don't know. Sort of...

(BREATHES FAST AND HEAVILY)
I can't help being a bit passionate.

Oh, Albert, I didn't mean
what you were doing.

What are you shivering for?
I don't know!

A funny feeling
come over me suddenly, like...

icy fingers down my spine.
Lumme, Doris,

I did keep my gloves on!
I can't do any more, can I?

Oh, I didn't mean YOUR icy fingers,
Albert.

Well, whose, then?
I don't know, but...

I've got a feeling
someone's watching us!

Good luck to 'em!
We've been courting a year -

nothing worth watching so far.
Albert!

Well, I'm sorry, Doris, but...

after all, I'm...
I'm only flesh and blood.

If something doesn't happen soon,
well...

something's going to happen,
that's all.

Aren't you funny! I never
thought of you being like that -

you know...flesh and blood,
and that.

It's time you started
thinking about... (GULPS) ..that.

Oh, Albert...
Oh, Doris!

Aaaaaagh!
What now?

There IS something in those bushes!

For Pete's sake, we're never
going to get anywhere like this!

Albert, there...there must be
somebody in those bushes,

because I saw them move!
All right.

Anyone there? No. There you are,
see - no one. Come on!

Oh, you don't expect them
to say so, do you?

Couldn't you...
Couldn't you go and look?

Oh, all right!

Who's there?

Come on, who's there?

It's not a peepshow, you know!

Come on out, you Peeping Tom!

For the last time,
I'm warning you... Come on...

Get out... Go home!

(LOSES VOICE IN TERROR)

Nah, there's nobody here.

She's just trying to put me off,
that's all.

What did I tell you?
There's nobody th-

Doris?

Doris!

Doris, stop messing about.

Where are you?

Doris?

Well, answer me!

Ooh, mm...

Well, if that's all you have to say,
Mr Potter,

I'll telephone my superior.

(PHONE RINGS)

W-W-What's the matter?

That noise! What's that noise?

It's only the telephone! Aren't you
ever going to get used to it?

I'll never get used to it.
The invention of the devil, it is!

People talking through wires,
waking respectable people.

It's like someone walking in
when you're in the bath.

It's an invasion of privacy,
that's what it is.

You in a bath -
that would stop any invasion!

I'm not having it in my house
a moment longer, do you hear?

And if it doesn't go, I will.
I promise you that!

Promises, promises! Always promises!

Slobotham here, Sergeant. Sorry
if I'm disturbing you and Mrs Bung.

That's all right, Slobotham.
We weren't doing anything.

I thought you ought to know.
"It's" happened again.

What's happened again?
Another disappearance.

Did you get a description?
Naturally.

It's a Miss Doris Mann.

Aged about 20, medium height,
average colour hair,

ordinary eyes, wearing clothes.

It should be a piece of cake
finding her (!) Where did it happen?

Hocombe Woods. Again.

Again! That's the sixth
woman who's disappeared

from the same spot inside of a year!

Exactly, Sergeant. Do you think
there could be a connection?

It's possible, Slobotham.

But we mustn't jump
to any conclusions.

No, no, of course not, Sergeant.

Who reported it?
He's here now.

Calls himself Albert Potter.

Medium height, brown hair,
beady eyes...

Never mind a description. You just
keep him there till I get there.

Move over.
What did you say?

Move over to my side of the bed.

Certainly not. You're not getting
round me like that, Sidney Bung.

Please, Em. Just this once.
I've only got a few minutes. Up!

I'll say this for you.
You make a very good trouser press.

You're not going out.

No, I'm putting these on
to take a bath (!)

And where are you going
at this time of night?

To find another woman.
Don't lie to me!

You're going to that wretched
police station of yours, I know!

Well, you've caught me out.
You haven't any time for me,

let alone any other woman.
I wouldn't bet on that.

Police!
That's all you ever think about!

Never mind about me. Oh, dear, no.

Do you realise
you haven't taken me out for years?

Don't exaggerate.
We went out a couple of months ago.

We had a lovely time.

You call that lovely?

To my poor, dear mother's funeral?

Well, I enjoyed it.
Oh, yes, you would!

I should have listened to her.

"Never marry a policeman," she said.

"You can't trust 'em," she said.
"Unreliable," she said.

BOTH: "He'll lead you
a dog's life," she said.

She was right.
I should have listened to her.

So should I. Where's my other boot?

(CLANG)

That's right, off you go! Never mind
about saying goodbye, even!

Goodbye, even.

That's it,
knock my poor mother down.

(CLANG)
Now look what you've made me do!

Oh, excuse me, Sergeant.
In my chair again, eh, Slobotham?

Just warming it up for you, Sarge.

Right. Is this him?
Yes,

a Mr Potter, window cleaner.
33 Hogsmere Road.

Friend of the young lady
that disappeared.

Right.
Get out your notebook, Slobotham.

I want every word of this taken
down.

As I understand it, you took this
girl up to Hocombe Woods, right?

That's right, yes.
For what purpose, Mr Potter?

Eh?
What did you take her out there for?

Well... I dunno...
We just sort of felt like it.

Felt...like...it.
Felt like what?

I wouldn't like to say, Sergeant.
I'm asking him!

Well, Mr Potter?
Well, we - we just felt like

getting a bit of fresh air...
and that.

I see.

Getting a bit of what?
Fresh air and that.

What's that?
Same as the other!

Oh, I see.
Well, Mr Potter,

you took her into the woods.

How far did you go?

Oh, not far -
I've only known her a year.

Don't put that down!

No, what I meant was, er...

how far did you get...into the
woods?

Oh! Oh, not very far.
Just to this little clearing I know.

Do you happen to know
what Doris was wearing?

Yes. Um...a sort of, er...
white frilly blouse,

with a...a dark green jacket,
and a long green skirt.

Did you get that down?
Ooh, no. As I said,

I've only known her a year.
I'm talking to my assistant!

Don't worry, Sergeant. Got it down.

Good.

So that's all you can tell us,
Mr Potter?

There is one thing.

I - I found this
where she'd been sitting.

'Ello, 'ello, 'ello!
What have we here, then?

I'd say it was a finger, Sergeant.

I know it's a finger!

Is it...one of...hers, Mr Potter?

Of course not! What sort of girl
do you think I go out with?

Right! Take that down to the lab.
I want a full report first thing.

Yes, Sergeant.
On your way, stop off at the desk

and enquire, has anybody reported
the loss of a finger this evening?

Yes, of course, Sergeant.

Why didn't I think of that?

Now, Mr Potter.

I want you to show me exactly
where you and the young lady were.

Through here.
Slobotham...

Slo...
Sergeant?

You stay here.

All by myself, Sergeant?
Yes, all by yourself.

If I require any assistance,

I shall give three sharp blasts.
Got it?

Yes, Sergeant. Blast, blast, blast.
I beg your pardon.

On my whistle.
(WHISTLES)

Immediately on hearing that,
you will surround the entire area.

I can't surround the entire area
by myself, Sergeant.

Excuses, excuses. Always excuses!

(RUSTLING)

Why don't you fellas get married?
It's much easier.

That's where we were.

A-ha!

Is that you, Sergeant?

How do you do?

(SNIFFS) Do you notice it?
What?

It smells as if
something's been dead too long.

Well, don't look at me.

Peculiar. Very peculiar.

Was it here before?

I didn't notice it.
Ah, yes, yes, yes, yes!

What could it be?

I don't know.
Let's get back to the station.

(HOOTS HORN)

Slobotham! Where are you?

Slobotham, where are you?

Look!

Aaaaargh!

What's the matter with you? It's me!

Oh, I'm sorry, Sergeant. I thought
it was that horrible thing again!

What horrible thing?

I don't know.
It was something unspeakable.

Unspeakable?
Yes. Never said a word.

It came out of the woods,
straight at me. Big, glaring eyes.

Long, pointed teeth. Ten feet tall!

Did you notice anything unusual
about it?

There was a horrible smell.
Like dead fish, it was.

Dead fish?

Have a look round, Potter.
Right. Er...no.

You look around.
You're the great detective.

I intend to.

In the morning. I've got important
things to do at the station.

Why are we stopping here, Sarge?
There's a house!

He's right, you know -
it IS a house!

Marvellous, but we're not looking
for a house,

we're looking for Doris. Yes,
but it's the middle of the woods.

They may have heard or seen
something suspicious.

We can't leave any stone unturned.

What's this road called, Slobotham?
Avery Avenue.

Then we must explore...Avery Avenue.

There's a notice here.
What's it say?

Just a minute.

Bide-a-Wee Rest Home.

Come on, let's go inside.

Please knock.

(SLOW FOOTSTEPS)

(CREAKS)

Yes?

Good evening.

Could I see the master of the house?

The master of the house is dead,
sir.

He's been dead 15 years now.

But if you'll come in,
I'll ask him if he can see you.

Ye-e-es.

If it's not too much trouble.

This way, sir.

If you'll wait in here,

I'll go and talk to the master.

Er...I thought you said he was dead?
So he is.

That should be
a conversation worth hearing.

(SNIGGERS)

How about this?

Must be the mistress of the house.

I say, Sergeant...notice
anything unusual about that woman?

No...what?
The eyes.

They seem to be alive.

KNOCK AT DOOR

(KNOCK)
Come.

I'm sorry to disturb you, miss,

but some gentlemen are here.

Yes, I was looking at them, Sockett.
What do they want?

They wish to see the master, miss.

My brother is dead, Sockett.
Don't you understand?

He's dead.
Oh, yes, miss.

I did tell them that.

Then why are they still here?
Well, I'm afraid I forgot myself

and told them he might see them.

Did I do wrong, miss?
Oh, Sockett!

I'm terribly sorry, miss.

You won't...

You won't send me back...

there...?
I should do, Sockett.

If only you weren't
so necessary to me!

Enough! Let me go.

Go now. I have to get my brother up.

(CREAKS)

(BUBBLING)

(CRACKLING AND HUMMING)

What time is it?

Just past December.
I told you not to call me

till the beginning of March!
Orlando, this is an emergency.

There are some men to see you.
I can't see anyone in my state.

I'm nowhere near regenerated yet!
You will just have to, my darling.

I think they're police officers.
Police officers? What do they want?

We've done nothing wrong...

have we?
Oh, I don't know!

I sent Oddbod out this evening.
Oh, dear! Hasn't he come back yet?

Yes, he's come back...
Oh.

..but one of his fingers is missing.

I hope he didn't
leave it anywhere embarrassing!

That's what I'm afraid of.

I sent him back for it,
but he was disturbed.

So would you be
with a finger missing.

That's the trouble
with my regenerative process -

it makes everything so brittle. You
never know what's going to drop off.

Be serious! If they found that
finger, it could be very awkward.

Yes, I'd better go and see them,
I suppose.

Don't go
without your portable booster.

You've only had 1,000 amps.
They would come tonight,

just when I'm feeling half dead.

Wha-a-ahhh!

What is it? What happened?

Oh, lumme!
It's only a mummy.

My mummy? With a BEARD?
They didn't only do it to women.

Their men got pickled, too.

Ah, gentlemen.
I see you're admiring my Pharaoh.

He was the founder
of the fourth dynasty, you know.

King Rubbatiti.
How very interesting, sir.

Ye-e-es. I've often thought
how fascinating it would be

to make him live again. I'd bet
he could tell us a thing or two, eh!

All those barge orgies on the Nile.

No wonder they kept finding things
in the bulrushes!

Would you be
the master of the house?

That's right, yes.

I only ask because your butler
informed us you were dead.

You don't want to
take any notice of him.

A young lady has disappeared. We're
anxious to trace her whereabouts.

Oh? Whereabouts?
Hereabouts.

At ten o'clock.
Or thereabouts.

In this vicinity.
Or roundabouts.

We're police officers.
Or layabouts (!)

That, sir, you may have surmised,
is a member of the public

who's been giving us some right
cooperation. I just wondered, sir,

if you happened to see or hear
anything suspicious this evening?

Oh, no. I haven't heard or seen
anything for weeks.

I've been...away, you see.
Will you say that in a statement?

I just did, didn't I?
I'd like my assistant to get it down

just to get it on the record, sir.

Now, first of all, your name,
please. Doctor Watt.

Doctor who, sir?
Watt.

Who is my uncle, or was.
I haven't seen him for ages.

We appear to be at loggerheads, sir.
No, no, this is Bide-a-Wee.

Loggerhead's about
five miles down the road.

No, no - about your name.
Watt!

What's your name?
Watt's his name!

That's what I'm trying to find out,
Sergeant.

Nothing but excuses!
Just get the statement down.

"I haven't seen or heard anything
suspicious in the vicinity tonight."

You, too, eh? I'm so glad
it wasn't just me who didn't.

Sir, we won't take up
any more of your valuable time.

You're most cooperative.
Not at all!

I'm only too glad to help at any...
ti-iii...

What's the matter, Doctor?
Just a bit run down.

If you'll just plug this
into the socket...

What's happening, Sergeant?
Oh, lumme, look! He's going away.

Well, don't just stand there.
Plug it in!

Oh, crikey! Now he's coming back!

Ahhh, that's better.
Now, where was I?

Well, sir, you was sort
of coming and going in quite a -

What's the matter with you two?
Come back here!

Didn't you see what he did?
Yes. He's right, Sergeant.

There's something
not right about him.

Don't be so silly!
He's just an eccentric, that's all.

I saw through him at once!
So did we! That's the trouble.

(MAD CACKLING LAUGHTER)

Oh, Gawd!

Slobotham, you and I,
as respectable officers of the law,

are going to walk out of here
with dignity. Slowly.

(CACKLING)

Oh, Oddbod, if only
you weren't so damned attractive...

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

They've gone.
Good.

Did they suspect anything?
Of course not!

I went out of my way
to behave perfectly normally.

That should be all right, then,
shouldn't it?

What did they want?
Oh, something about a girl,

disappearing in the vicinity.
Oh, the one Oddbod brought back.

Ohhh, he got one, did he?

Oh, ye-e-es!

Very nice.

I must say, he has very good taste.

We must vitrify her tonight and get
her away first thing in the morning.

Aw, look!

It's started to work.
Oh, yes!

It's regenerating very nicely.

Well, this is a nice time to be
coming home again! Half-past six!

Don't start. I've been up all night
looking for a woman.

That should be something
you're good at. Looking for women.

I wouldn't say that.
Last time I tried it I found you.

I dread to think
where you'd have been without me.

You know something?

I watched a bloke disappear
in front of my eyes tonight.

I was just wondering

why couldn't you do something useful
like that?

Oh, you'd like to get rid of me,
wouldn't you?

Wouldn't you? Wouldn't you?
Emily... Dear Emily...

..shut up!
Oh...!

What have you done?

Taken it down!

Do you realise you have cut me off
in my prime?

How are they going to call me
when they want me?

That's your worry! I'm going to get
the sleep it's been depriving me of!

(PHONE RINGS)

Aaaaargh!
(LAUGHS)

Y-Y-You forgot to disconnect
the wires!

That'll teach you!

Hello?
(LAUGHS)

Oh, Slobotham...

No, we weren't doing anything.

What? Good!

Oh, strewth! Try and stay awake
till I get there.

You're not going out again?
No, I'm going to tread grapes.

Woo! That's lovely, that is!

Do you realise I've had a full
two minutes of your company

This is a real red letter day,
isn't it?

I must remember to make a note of it
in my diary!

I'm wanted down at the station.

Oh, yes, you would be!
Put them before me!

I wonder you don't marry the police
force and have done with it!

And miss all the fun
I've had with you?

I don't know why you bother
coming home at all!

Stay at your police station.
Let them look after you!

See if they'll give you
what you got from me!

It's been so long
since I've had anything from you,

I've forgotten if it's worth having.

Fingers I Have Known. No...

Fanny Hill. No, that won't...

Ah, here it is. Origins Of Man.

Ever read this book?
Here, look at this.

Homo gargantuoso.

Ah. Homo gargantuoso. Here it is.

Well, the finger LOOKS the same!
Aye, that's the one, all right.

It's extinct now, of course.
Are you saying that -

this finger's come off something
that's been dead for 500 years?

No doubt about it.
Dead as a doornail.

Doc, you must be wrong! It came off
something that was alive last night.

We can very soon prove it. We can
prove if it was living membrane,

by giving it
a strong electrical charge.

Well, do that, will you?
Sarge, we've got a lead.

This just
came through my letter box.

"If you want to know
what happened to Doris Mann,

"I can tell you. I am the cloakroom
attendant at the one by the park,

"and you can see me any time
at my convenience."

Let me see that!
Is it genuine, Sarge?

I don't know.
It's unusual notepaper...

perforated at both ends.

Could be! Come on.

They've just come out. Let's see
what they're up to. Good idea.

(MUSIC PLAYS)

# Da-dah...di-dee...

# Da-dah...di-dee... #

Oh, hel-lo!

Morning, gents.
Like a nice wash, would you?

Er...ta.
Help yourselves.

I got your note.

Oh! You're the young fella
who was with that girl, aren't you?

Yes. What do you know about it?
Plenty.

But it'll cost you a bit.

All right, all right! That'll be
quite enough of that sort of talk.

Who are you pushing?

I'm a police detective.
I must warn you,

I shall take down anything you say.
All right! Trousers.

All right, Slobotham,
I'll take over.

Forgive him. He's a bit new.

There's no need
for anyone to get excited, is there?

No. Mr, erm...?
Dann.

Daniel Dann.
Dan Dann. Yes.

That IS a funny name
for someone in this job, isn't it?

Yes.
We just want a friendly little chat,

Mr Dann.
Well, shall we go to my little room?

Make yourselves at home, gents!

Well... This IS an nice place
you have here, Mr Dann.

Yes... (CHUCKLES)

There's something to be said for it.

I live in a man's world.

Well, Mr Dann, about this note
you sent to Mr Potter.

It's very important.
Ah...

Mrs Peabody.

Hello! Mrs Peabody!

Nice woman.
Her husband's a customer of mine.

Yes, very interesting, but -

You know, I can honestly say

that I know everyone
who goes past here intimately.

Yes, I would say that business here
is definitely, er... looking up!

No stockings!

She never wears 'em.
Mind you, I see worse.

A Scotsman goes past here in a kilt.
You wouldn't give it credence.

Ahem! Mr Dann, Sergeant Bung
is trying to ask you some questions.

All right, all right, all right!

We want to know where Doris is.

Yes, I'm sure you do.
'Er and the others.

"And the others"?
What do you know, Mr Dann?

I was working out at a place
near Hocombe Woods as a gardener.

Bide-a-Wee?
That's the place.

Not a bad job. Well paid.

They're talking to Dann!
Dann?

Dan Dann, the gardening man -
you know!

Oh...that could be VERY awkward!
We must silence him.

Oddbod...

Mind you, I'm not saying
what happened to Doris

isn't what happened to the others.
But it looked very suspicious to me.

Yes, yes, Mr Dann, for goodness'
sake - what happened to the others?

I was just coming to that. I saw -
(FOOTSTEPS ABOVE)

'Ello...

Who's that, then?
Must be a stranger round here.

Did you see
those dirty great plates?

Mr Dann, please...
WHAT HAPPENED TO THOSE GIRLS?

All right, all right, all right!
I was telling you. I saw -

(HEAVY FOOTSTEPS)
Sounds like a customer.

I'm sorry,
you'll have to excuse me, gents.

How long's he going to be?

Morning, sir. Nice day -

(FOOTSTEPS, DOOR SLAMS)

(TOILET FLUSHES, DOOR SHUTS)

I don't like the sound of that!
Nor me...

Come on!

Dann, Dann, where are you?
Sergeant!

Look...

Open it, quick!

Just a minute. Just a minute!

Don't look.

Is he...?
Drowned.

(MUTTERS AND HUMS
IN FOREIGN LANGUAGE)

(WHIRRING)

What an extraordinary thing!

(LOUD THUD)
Blimey, now what?!

Sergeant... Look!

Ugh. Don't look.

You looked!

There, she's ready for delivery.

Yes, quite the best one
we've done so far.

Pretty, too. Seems such a waste.

Oh, nonsense. Living,
she'd just have got old and fat.

But like this, she'll stay
young and beautiful for ever.

Yes, but not half so much fun.

Put the lid on.
I'm going to raise Oddbod.

Excuse me, dear.

Now, listen, Oddbod.
Take that crate up to Sockett.

Do you understand?
Mm-hm.

And then go out
and get me another girl.

Gently does it.
We don't want it to arrive broken.

Do we have to do
another one tonight?

I feel quite run down.

I'm afraid we must.
We're behind with the orders.

Oh. Well, I've just got time
for a quick...charge.

Yes, just do me up, will you?

Oh, luxury.

All right.

(WHINES)

(WHIMPERS)

Orlando!

(SHRIEKS)

What are you doing?

You might have killed me.

I'm terribly sorry, but look.

Oddbod,
what are you doing back here?

Haven't you noticed? He's naked.
Of course I've noticed.

Oddbod! Oh, it's disgusting!

Put something on, you filthy beast.

Oh, isn't it sickening? One never
gets a minute's peace around here.

What's the matter with you? Making
an exhibition of yourself like that?

Most uncivilised.

Orlando, this isn't Oddbod.

Of course it's Oddbod.
I ought to know.

I was the one that found his body
and brought him back to life.

No, it isn't. It's Oddbod's finger.

This whole thing has been
regenerated from it, don't you see?

The body's cells
have built themselves up again.

Good heavens,
it's worse than rabbits.

Talk about pulling your finger out.

Orlando, did you do this?

Of course not.
I've never seen the thing before.

Are you sure?
Yes, I'm sure!

If that's the case, someone else
must have subjected the finger

to an electrical charge.
I don't like it.

Neither do I. This thing
is getting bigger than both of us.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

I knew it. It's the police.
We're done for.

Why did I ever meddle
in this horrible business?

I was happy enough as
a simple chemist making liver pills.

They never did anyone any harm.

Well, not if taken in moderation.

Of course, if you overdid it...

Oh, for heaven's sake.
Pull yourself together.

I'll see who it is.
You look after him.

It's all very well for her
to say, "Pull yourself together".

But look what happened
to Dr Frankenstein and Dr Jekyll.

I was at school with them.

They always pinched my pocket money.

Said the change did them good.

I would like to see...

the master of the house.

I'm afraid my brother is resting.
Will I do?

Will you do...? What, miss?

Perhaps you'd better come in.

There must be something
I can do for you.

That would be
highly co-operative of you, miss.

Will you come this way?

Do please sit down.

No.

Here.

We can make contact better.

Oh, and do call me Valeria.

Valeria, miss.

That is an unusual name.

You haven't told me your name.

Bung, miss. Sergeant Bung.
Bung?

Bung.

Bung, Bung, Bung, Bung.

That's a very fitting name.

Yes. My first one is Sidney.

And what is it that you want...
Sidney?

A man was killed under mysterious
circumstances this morning.

It appears he used to work for you
as a gardener.

Drowned, he was.

Drowned...in a couple of minutes.

Name of Dann.

Dan Dann, the...

Forgive me.

I just had to do that.

It's all right, miss.

We are here
to be of service to the public.

Yes, but I don't think you're very
experienced in the ways of love.

If you want to know the way,
ask a policeman.

I find you very fascinating,

Sidney.

Would you show me your whistle?

Of course, miss.

It's not much of a one, I'm afraid.

Nonsense,
I think it's a beautiful one.

May I blow it?

(SILENCE)
The pea's gone.

I'm afraid I got overexcited once
and I breathed in.

Poor Sidney.

Go on.
Show me how you got overexcited.

I have come here, miss,
to perform a duty.

Well, get on with it.
I haven't got all night, you know.

If I could just have the answers
to some questions first.

Well, all right.

I'm sure I know all the answers.
I'm sure you do, miss.

You must learn to relax more,
Sidney.

Take things as they come.

Come on. Sit beside me for a moment.

There you are.

See?

Now, that's much more comfortable,

isn't it?
Very much so, miss.

What must you think of me?

I'm a terrible hostess.

I haven't offered you a thing.
I wouldn't say that, miss.

Do you drink?
Not on duty, miss.

Do you smoke?
Not on duty, miss.

Do you mind if I smoke?

No, of course not, miss.

Thank you so much.

And I was trying to give it up.

Boo!
Oh, good morning, Sergeant.

I didn't expect you so soon.

That's all right, Slobotham,
old chap.

Put your feet up. Carry on.

Is anything wrong, Sergeant?
No, everything's fine. Just fine.

What's all this?
Er, this.

I've been examining the files
on missing persons,

and I've discovered a remarkable
similarity amongst them.

That's not so surprising, Slobotham.

We buy all our files
at the same shop.

No, I mean a similarity in cases,
Sergeant.

Oh, I see.

Oh, you don't want to bother
about the cases, Slobotham.

You've got to learn to relax more.
Take more things as they come.

That's what gets results.

How did you get on last night?
Very nicely.

Very nicely indeed.
Then, you did learn something.

Not half.

I think I'm onto something good,
there.

Yes, I thought so.
I've always thought

there was something not quite right
about that house, sir.

Something about Dann, was it?

Who?
Dan Dann.

(CHUCKLES)

Sergeant... Are you all right?

Excuse me, Sergeant. You're wanted.
Oh! What for?

Mr Potter's in trouble again.
Seems he's run amuck.

Wrecked a millinery shop
down the road.

Good for him! (LAUGHS)
Come on, Slobotham.

I've never seen anything like it.

Completely wrecked my window
and almost killed poor Mr Vivian.

I had to draw the blinds!

I can't have that sort of thing
going on here.

Well, well, well. What have you
got to say about this?

It's her, I tell you. It's my Doris.

Oh, come on now. It's only a dummy.
It is not a dummy! It's her!

All right.
We'll take your word for it

that it looks like Doris.

It IS Doris. I ought to know.

I've been going out with her
for a year.

Mr Potter,
you just come over here with me.

Now, does that sound like Doris?

Well, I don't know.
I've never hit her with a pipe.

Look! She's solid - like a rock.

Go on, feel it for yourself.
Go on, feel it.

Ooh, she's all cold.

Wouldn't you be,
with nothing but your corsets on?

Wait a minute.
I might be able to prove it's Doris.

All right, Mr Potter. How?

Well, Doris had a little birthmark
on her...

(WHISPERS)
On her what?

Are you sure?

How do you know?

She told me.

All right, Mr Potter.
If it's going to make you happy,

go ahead and look.
What? In front of all these people?

What do you think I am?

Some fool's got to do it.
It isn't going to be me.

Slobotham.
Ah, Sergeant.

I've got a little job
of investigating for you.

Oh, what-ho, Sergeant?
Should be right up your street.

Go examine that dummy. See if you
can find a birthmark about that big.

Right, Sergeant. Where is it?
(WHISPERS)

There?

Oh, Sergeant. Do I have to?

You're a detective, you're supposed
to be able to tackle anything.

Detect.

Sergeant, I've covered
every aspect of police work,

but I've never been called
on to tackle corsets before.

It's very simple.
You undo the laces, you...

It's just like...football boots.

You've taken football boots off.
Not off a lady, Sergeant.

Get on with it.
Oh, dear.

Oh... Sergeant.

Which one
did you say the birthmark was on?

Slobotham, there are only two.

It's a simple process of
elimination.

Yes, Sergeant.

There doesn't seem
to be anything here.

What-ho...
There IS something here.

What did I tell you?
Seems to be a little round -

Oh, dear. It's come off in my hand.
Let's have a look at it.

"Made In England."

Now, Oddbod, are you with us again?

Yes!
Oh, not now.

Come along, work to be done.

Oh, dear. No rest for the wicked.

Oh, look at Oddbod Junior.

Sleeping like a baby.

(TALKS BABY-TALK)

Stop crooning, Orlando.
Wake him up and put him to work.

Oh, we can't do that yet.
He's not ready for it.

Not until
he's been properly house-trained.

This one must be vitrified tonight.

Oh, yes. Very nice.

What about removing
any moles or birthmarks?

I've done that.
Oh, yes.

I never get any
of the interesting jobs.

That will do. Oddbod.

See to the vat, will you, darling?
Yes.

Just nice.

Let's see now. What does she weigh?
120lb.

Allow three minutes per pound.
That's six hours at regulo 7.

All right, Oddbod. We're ready.

Ah, well. Here goes -
Please, Orlando.

Please, please don't say it.

Say what, dear?
You know perfectly well.

What you always say at this time.

It's in extremely bad taste.

Oh, you mean "frying tonight"?

Oh, there are times when I really -

Oh, Miss Valeria.
Yes, what is it, Sockett?

That policeman's here again.
The sergeant.

What's he doing here?
What's he after?

The same as he was after last night,
I imagine.

Oh?
Information.

Oh,
how I hate these law-abiding people.

Why can't everyone
be thoroughly horrid like us?

Yes, I will see him, Sockett.

This is awful. I wish I was dead.

But, Orlando, you ARE dead.

What? Oh, yes, so I am.
What a life!

"Made In England."

That's a coincidence.

(DOOR HANDLE RATTLES)

Sidney, how sweet of you
to come back to see me so soon.

I had to come, Valeria. I've been
thinking about you all day.

I'm intoxicated...

with your beauty.

Everything I see reminds me of you.

I can't get you out of my mind.

I look at my two inkwells,
and I see your lovely eyes.

A letter box, and I saw your lips.

In the street there was a little boy
playing with two balloons and -

Yes. Well, I think that's
quite enough of that sort of talk.

I only meant
like our two hearts floating away.

Oh, forgive me. Forgive me.

My passion runs away with me.

That's enough.
That's enough, Sidney.

Let's...let's sit down, shall we?

Yes, yes.

That's better. Now, tell me.

How are your investigations going?
Oh, those!

We thought we'd found
the missing girl today, Doris Mann.

Oh? But it turned out
to be a dummy in a shop window.

Mr Potter swore it was her.

Oh, how extraordinary. And was it?

How could it have been?
It was only a dummy.

It even had one of those, erm...
Made In England labels

stamped on it, just like
the ones you've got on the desk.

Forgive me, Sidney.
I...I shan't be a moment.

I've just remembered
I've left something cooking.

Orlando, they spotted the one
we sent out yesterday in the shop.

I knew it. We're done for.

Not yet. He doesn't know it's her.

We can't afford to take chances.
We must get her back.

Get her back? How can we do that?
It would be stealing.

I thought we might persuade
Sergeant Bung to do it for us.

Him? Old Goody Goody?
You must be mad.

Oh, we might get him over
on our side for a while.

You know that prescription
Dr Jekyll made up for you?

Oh, yes. That stuff.

But isn't it awfully risky?

I mean, we still don't know
the side-effects.

We don't want him having triplets.
Here it is.

Nothing burnt, I hope.
Burnt?

Oh, no, no, no, no.

Er...everything was fine.

Shall we just have a little drink?

I'd better not, not on duty.
Oh, please.

I think both of us might become
a little more friendly, no?

Well, if you put it like that.

It's an old
and rather unusual brandy.

It has a smoky flavour.

It has a smoky look, too.

Oh, to get the most out of it,
it's best to take it down in one go.

Well, here's to friendship.

Ah.

Yes, 1870, a very good year.

Valeria, has it worked?
I don't know yet.

Ha-ha-ha!

Oh, he looks absolutely lovely.

Very nice.

Argh!

Va-arrgh! Arrgg!

Sidney, Sidney.
Sidney, listen to me.

I must have a noggin of that myself.

Stop it, Sidney! Stop it. Sidney!

No, don't stop him, dear.
He's SUPPOSED to do beastly things.

Listen to me. I am your mistress.

Don't say that, dear!
It will only make him worse.

You must obey my commands,
you hear me? You must obey me.

Right. Now, there's something
I want you to do for me.

No, not that. Now, listen to me.

And listen carefully.

(STEPTOE & SON THEME MUSIC)

(THUD)

(FOOTSTEPS)

Well, this is a nice time
to come home again.

I don't know
why you don't stay out all night.

Oh, that's right.
Try and look all innocent.

If you could see yourself.
You look disgusting.

Disgusting! Isn't it about time
you got your hair cut?

I'm not going out with you
looking like that. Oh, dear me, no.

Rrraaar!
And just look at your teeth!

You can't say I haven't asked you
to go to the dentist.

For all I care, they can rot.

Rrraaar!
Sidney Bung!

You have been drinking.

So, this is a step
on the final path, is it?

You can't say
my mother didn't warn me.

(SCREAMS)
Watch my mother!

No! I'll get you! Oh, I'll get you!

I'll get you
if that's the last thing I do.

Get out of here! Get out!

Go on! Get out! Get out! Get out!

(SNORES AND MOANS)

Water...

Ooh! Oh, blimey!

Oh, my head! Oh!

Where am I?

Oh, strewth!

What did I do last night?

What happened?

(TELEPHONE RINGS)

Argh!

All right, all right!
Hang on! Hang on!

Ow!

(PHONE RINGS)

Hello.

Just hang on a minute.

Blimey. Who am I?

Oh, yeah.

Sergeant Bung here,

Detective Sergeant Bung...

I think. Who...?

Oh, Slobotham.

Slobotham, Mrs Bung
and I weren't doing anything.

Kindly remember in future,
to save time,

that Mrs Bung and I
never do anything.

Now, what do you want?

What shop broken into?

You don't say?!
Look, I'll be right there.

Now, don't touch anything.
You understand?

Don't move.

Well, of course you can have a...

(KNOCKING)
Emily,

you awake?

Get out, you disgusting creature.
What's the matter with you?

How dare you come home drunk
and assault me?

Assault you?
Yes! You beast! Get out!

Go on, get out!

You know what you did.

I'm gonna make you pay for it,
don't you worry!

Come here, you.
I'm not finished with you yet.

Well, what precise time
would you say this happened, sir?

How should I know? I was only
called out of bed half an hour ago.

Crawled out... Called.
Beg your pardon.

Called out of my bed half...
Your bed, was that, sir?

No, it was... What difference
does it make whose bed it was?

It might make a difference
to somebody, sir.

Glad you've arrived, Sergeant.

Hello. What's happened here, then?

Oh, I'd say it's a pretty clear case
of breaking and entering.

No (!)

This window's been broken,
for a start.

You don't say?
Oh, yes, I do.

And then,
there's the footprints inside.

What footprints?
Inside.

I was going to examine them closely
for any distinguishing marks.

Distinguishing?

Can you think of anything more
distinguished than having six toes?

Six toes?

Is there anything missing, Mr Jones?

Nothing, as far as I can see...

except for the dummy.

What dummy?
The one the fuss was over yesterday.

The one that looked like that man,
Doris... that Doris Mann.

You haven't guessed who did it?
I've only been on the job an hour.

You take a week to think it over...

while I go and get him.

For the last time,
take your hands off me!

What am I supposed to have done?

You tell me. What am I supposed
to have done? It's a disgrace!

You're assisting the police
with their enquiries.

All right. Let him go.

And I should think so, too.

What's all this about?
I'm supposed to be at work.

All right, Mr Potter.
All we want to know is, where is it?

It's your police station.
You ought to know.

No, not that. Where's the dummy?

Dummy? What dummy?

The one you thought was Doris!
The one you stole last night.

What? I never did any such thing.

I suppose I took it?
It definitely wasn't me.

All right, Mr Potter.

If you want us to do it the hard
way, take your boots off.

What for?
Never mind what for. Take them off.

And your socks, as well.

Now, what's all this about?

We're investigating
a barefoot robbery.

Are you sure those are your feet?

Of course they're mine.
Whose do you think they are?

Sarge, there's only five toes.

How many am I supposed to have?
Six!

What have you done
with the other one?

I haven't done anything with it.
So, you admit there was another one?

I'm getting out of here.
Just a minute, Mr Potter!

Where were you last night?

In bed.
Any witnesses to corroborate that?

My landlady.

Oh... Oh?!
She came up with a bottle.

Sounds like a pretty
loose-living place you lodge in.

She always comes up
with a hot-water bottle.

I beg your pardon. Suppose he
and the landlady are in collusion.

Don't be disgusting. She's over 60.

All right, you can go, Mr Potter.

Yeah? Well, I should think so, too.

Talk about incompetent.
You're a bunch of idiots.

You ought to be looking
for whatever it was that got Doris.

That's what you should do.

And if you're not going to,
well, I will.

So there.

Very suspicious behaviour, Sergeant.
Very suspicious. Quiet.

Something the matter with your back,
Sarge?

I'm thinking.
Oh.

Maybe, Slobotham, we're approaching
this case from the wrong angle.

Angle, Sarge. Yes.

Let us, for a moment,
sift all the facts.

Yes, let's have a sift.
I'm all for a good sift.

Shut up.

All these women who've disappeared,
was it an accident?

Or do we assume foul play?

Foul, Sergeant. Definitely foul.

Right. Foul.

And if it was foul play,

what clues have we got
to lead us to this conclusion?

There were these
enormous footprints.

Yes, feet.

Then there was a peculiar odour
at the scene of the crime.

Yes, smell.

Then there's that thing
you professed to have seen

that squashed my hooter.
Something horrible it was, Sarge.

Some...thing

hor...ri...ble.

Anything else to go down?

That's just about it, Sarge.
Let's look at what we've got.

Foul...feet...smell...

phwoar...something horrible!

Maybe we're still approaching this
from the wrong angle, Slobotham.

Now, let us assume
that all these women were abducted

by this unknown thing.

Certainly some thing, Sergeant.

That leaves us
with one course of action.

Now, how would you
set about catching a mouse?

It's a bit bigger than a mouse,
Sarge.

I'm not suggesting
that this unknown thing is a mouse!

I'm merely asking you how you would
set about catching one.

Put a bit of cheddar on a trap.

That's it exactly. You'd set a trap.

But we don't use cheese.

We bait our trap with a woman.

It'd be a bit heavy. When she sat -

I'm not suggesting
we put a woman on a mousetrap.

I wish I'd never mentioned this!

All we do is, we stick a woman
in Hocombe Woods and lie in wait.

And then when the thing
comes for her, we nab him.

That's it - exactly.

At least I do.

Just you, Sarge?
What would I be doing?

Be sensible, Slobotham.
We can't use a real woman.

Something might go wrong.

Yes, I get the point, Sarge.

So, instead, we will use someone

who looks as if HE is a woman.

What a brilliant idea, Sarge. Ho-ho!

Who did you have in mind, then?

Ah, there you are.

I...I... I do beg your pardon,
madam.

I thought you were...
I'm expecting...

Is he ready yet?

How about it?

Oh, really, madam...

On some other occasion, I might be
delighted to avail myself.

Is he ready yet?
Sarge?

It's me. Slobotham.

I'm afraid it's the best I could do,
Mr Jones,

but even I have my limitations.

Yes. Still it's, er...
it's a nice, dark night.

There. What did I tell you!

Oh, really, Mrs Parker,
how could he? And with a shop girl!

Hurry up. Get in!
It's difficult in this uniform.

(GARMENT RIPS)
What was that?

I hate to think. If it's
my upholstery, I'll kill you.

Oh, good gracious me!
What was it?

I don't know what they call them,
but they've split.

Get in, darling.

Give us a bunk-up, son. Ooh!

Don't worry, madam,
there's no wind tonight. (LAUGHS)

Now, follow them, see what they do.

See if I'm not right.

Hmm...mmm...mmm.

No, no.

No, no, no, no, no.

Why must you be so rough?

Naughty Junior.

Don't you understand?

You don't have to strangle them.

One look at your face
should be enough.

I don't think
he's ready for it yet, dear.

He must go out tonight.

All right.
Oddbod, show him how YOU do it.

There's a darling.

(GRUNTS IN UNDERSTANDING)

There, you see?

Gently does it. Oddbod, stop it!
Oddbod! Oddbod, stop it! Oddbod!

Oh, dear. He's at it again.

Oddbod, drop. Drop!

Drop, I say!

Naughty Bod.

It's not natural,
the way he carries on.

Don't be cross.
He's just a bit overexcited.

Yes, he's over-something.
Now, off you go, the both of you.

And don't come back empty-handed.

I only hope
we're doing the right thing.

I do wish Junior
would learn to use the door!

(ENGINE STOPS)

(TWANG)

Oh, blast it! Ooh! Ahh!
Ssh! Ladies don't swear.

They would
if they had these corsets on.

Ooh! It didn't half catch me.
Come on, get out.

I hope there's nobody looking.
Stop messing about.

(HOOTS HORN)

Right on the hooter. Oh -
Sergeant, don't hit a woman.

Now, give me your hand.
Eh?

We've got to make this look real.

You're not going to kiss me,
are you, Sergeant?

To the woods.

They've stopped the car
and have gone into the woods, ma'am.

Wait here.

(WHISPERS)
Yes. This is the spot.

Right. Get down.
What for?

It's what Doris was doing
when she copped it.

I'm not copping it.
Get down.

Wait a minute. Ooh!
(GARMENT RIPPING)

Ooh.

(LAUGHS WEAKLY)

(BOTH GIGGLE)

What's so funny?
I was just thinking...

Supposing my wife could see me now.

(BELL TINKLES)

How do you expect anything to go
out of its way to have a go at you?

Look at you, sitting there
like a bag of nutty slack.

I'm doing the best I can.
It's not good enough!

Try and look a bit more...

seductive.
I don't want to be seducted.

Abandoned, then.
Oh.

I'd sooner have the nutty slack.

(SCREAMS)

(DISTANT SCREAMING)

What was that?
What was that?

I'm going to have a look.
You stay here.

Don't leave me, Sergeant! Sergeant!

(WHIMPERS)

Oh, thank heavens you're back,
Sergeant. Oh...

What a smashing disguise.

Look at those teeth!

Grrr!
Grrr! (LAUGHS)

Grrr!
Grrr!

HELP!

One, two, three, four, five, six!
It wasn't me.

Let go! Let go!

Sergeant Bung!
You...!

What do you want to scream
like that for?

I didn't scream.
I thought it was you.

Slobotham!

Slobotham! Slo...!

Slobotham?

Sergeant, look!

We've got to find Slobotham.

Footprints! Come on.

# But leave a kiss

# Within the cup

# And I will not ask for wine... #

Now, this isn't going to hurt much.

Just a preparatory injection...

to get the old body cells going.

So, you be a brave mummy.

There.

Didn't hurt much, did it, hmm?
Just a little prick.

Now, let's see what happens,
shall we?

Orlando?

Hello, Valeria.
Orlando, what are you doing?

I'm just having another go
at regenerating old Rubbatiti.

You know perfectly well it won't
work. He's been gone too long.

I thought if I increase
the electrical charge -

Oh, don't waste time,
this is much more important.

Junior has brought one back.

We must vitrify her immediately.

Oh, dear. We never seem
to have any fun any more.

Is this the best you could do?

What am I expected to do with this?
It's a load of old rubbish.

I can sell it to Lacey's.

They deal exclusively
with the matronly figure.

They'll have a fit
when they see this.

Don't waste time. Inject her.

Yes, well, the target area
is large enough.

Trouble is finding the bull.

Eeny, meenie, miney...

..mo.

Aah! This one looks more like it.

Well done, Oddbod.

Very good!

What's happened to your ear?
(MUMBLES)

Yes, well, ear today, gone tomorrow.

That's funny.

The footprints stop here.
Unless it crossed the road.

There's that house again.
Let's see if they're all right.

Get the other one ready. This one
will be finished in an hour.

(GASPS)
What is it?

What's the matter?

It's a M-A-N.

A man? How do you know?

Well, after all, I'm a doctor!

But it's impossible.
You must be wrong.

Oh, well,
if you want a second opinion...

I don't understand.

Why should a man
be dressed as a woman?

Perhaps his parents wanted a girl.

(KNOCK ON DOOR)

What's that?
Don't panic. I'll see who it is.

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

I want to see Miss Watt.

I don't think that's possible.
That's quite all right, Sockett.

Valeria, are you all right?

Well, yes, Sidney.
I was just going to bed.

Don't!
What?

Not on your own, I mean.

I beg your pardon?
I mean...

it's not safe.
Another woman disappeared tonight.

Really?
I mean...

Well, not a REAL woman. It was
my assistant dressed as a woman.

I see.
And whatever it was that took him,

it came this way.

It?
I think it was some sort of monster.

This...came off it.
This ear?

Yes. That there. Lock all the doors.
I'll go for help.

No. Please stay with me.

Just for tonight, Sidney.

I couldn't do that. Could I?

I'd feel so safe
if you stayed with me.

Yeah?

Just a minute.

Mr Potter.

I shall be
spending the night with Miss Watt.

I don't blame you.

Would you go back to the station
and tell them what's happened?

Oh, no. Mr Potter must stay too.
Eh?

You are so big and strong.

Sockett? Show Mr Potter and Sergeant
Bung to the waiting room, will you?

The waiting room?
It's the room next to mine.

There's a communicating door,
so that if I should call...

BOTH: I'll be there.

This way please, gentlemen.

Are you out of your senses,
asking them to stay here?

What else could I do? Sergeant Bung
is getting too dangerous.

We shall have to get rid of them.
We can't get rid of them tonight.

What about the disposal
of the bodies?

The dustman don't come till Friday.
It's not my fault.

They've both got to go.
Get Oddbod and Junior.

I can't. They're completely flat.
I've just put them on a recharge.

Well, in that case, Mr Clever,

we shall just have to use
other means, shan't we?

Oh, him.
Well, I suppose it's all right.

But it's an awfully dated method,
you know.

Fangs ain't what they used to be.

Spare me.

Hello, darling.

(THUNDERCLAP)

If he's Sergeant Bung's assistant,
he ought to go too.

Why don't we do what they did
to your friend Dracula?

Drive a spike through his heart.

No. I don't really feel like
driving tonight.

Shame. I know!

Why don't we start a new line
in male dummies for the tailor shop?

I say! What a good idea?

If they can fit him,
they can fit anyone.

Get Oddbod and Junior up,
I'll get the woman out of the vat,

and we'll do him next.
Right!

(ELECTRICITY CRACKLES)

(GROANS)

(THUNDERCLAP)

Do you mind!
What do you mean, do I mind?

Stop poking me in the back.

Me poking YOU in the back?
I like that!

Yeah, well, I don't! I get
too much of that from the old woman.

Keep yourself to yourself.

And the same to you.
BOTH: Good night!

(THUNDERCLAP)

THAT DOES IT!

I have had enough!

YOU'VE had enough, mate?
What about me?

That's the trouble.
I don't know about you.

I'm going to spend the rest
of the night sleeping on the floor!

Arrgh!
It's all right. Keep calm.

Arrgh! What's that?
He's shot the snake.

As long as it wasn't the cat.
Come on.

(CREAKING)

What's all the panic about?
The snake's dead.

There's something funny going on.
I'm getting out of here.

All right, then, go.
Don't you worry, I'm going.

Changed your mind, have you?

There's something out there.

What?
I don't know, but there's two of it.

You're imagining things.

No.
All right. I'll have a look.

There you are. Look.

Arrrgh!

Let's get out of here!

The landing!

(SCREAMING)

It's jammed.
Quickly, down the stairs.

Where are we?
How should I know?

Ah! There's a door.

DR WATT: Go after them!

Don't let them get away,
you silly things!

Ah!

Look!

Poor old Slobotham.

One of the finest men I ever had.

Sergeant!

It's you! It's him!

You great, steaming nit! Are you
trying to frighten me to death?

I'm sorry. I thought it was
those horrible things coming back.

It is those horrible things
coming back!

They must have got out.
Search the grounds.

Let's see if there's another way
out.

Doris! It's not Doris.
It's that dummy again. Listen!

I know it's her.

If we had a bit more light in here,
you'd see that it wasn't.

There's a switch here, Sergeant.
There. Ooh!

You've done it now!
Now you HAVE done it!

Why don't you light a bonfire
and let them know we're here?

Come on, let's get out of here.
Wait! Look!

Albert, you've been gone
a long time... There you are.

What did I tell you? It IS her.

I don't believe it!

Don't you dare!

I only wanted to see
was she hard or soft.

Albert, where are we?
Who are these people?

It's OK, darling. They're policemen.

Slobotham, I'm beginning to think
he's right.

There is something funny
going on here.

You don't know the half of it.

You should have seen
that awful-looking thing

they pulled out of that vat.
What awful-looking thing?

Ooh, I can't describe it. Ugh!
It's in that crate over there.

I suppose we should have look at it.

For evidence.
Yes.

Argh! Em-Emily!

Do you know her, Sergeant?

This awful-looking thing

happens to be my wife!

Oh, bad luck. Oh...
(LAUGHS)

Oh, I mean,
bad luck finding her here like that.

Never mind that.
Help me to get her out of here.

Sergeant, she's as hard as a rock.
I know that.

I've been married to her 15 years.

Give her a knock.

Blimey, so she is.

Let's get out of here.
They'll be back any minute.

He's right.
We've got to go and get help.

We'll be back for you later, Em.
Albert!

Sorry. Stay where you are.
Don't move. What am I saying?

(THUNDERCLAP)

Stand back, or we'll fire!

Straight through them.

They're not hurt.
They're impregnant!

In there! Quick!

(POUNDING ON DOOR)

Slobotham!
Come on, pull yourself together!

Oh, did you see it, Sergeant?
It went right through it!

I'll go right through yours if you
don't help me barricade this door.

Oh, Sergeant, it went through mine.

I knew we couldn't trust them
in a crisis.

They're in there.

After them! After them!

Doris! Doris! Doris!

Brandy... Ah, brandy!

Don't just stand there,
go through your own hole.

Come, Valeria.

Come on, get me more. Get another
chair over that. Quickly!

Come on, lad.

Good lad. Good lad.

That should hold them. I'd like
to see anybody get through that...

(GROWLS)

(GROWLS)

(STRAINING)

(STRAINING)

No. Wait a minute. I'm on your side.
Don't hit me, I'm a woman.

He's changed again. Pity.
I think I preferred him as he was.

Wh-What happened?
You won.

By two falls and a submission.
Come on, let's get out of here.

Ah... You thought you'd beaten me,
didn't you?

You think this is for greenfly,
don't you?

But it isn't, see? It's filled with
petrifying liquid. And it works.

Well, who's going to be first?

Rubbatiti! I've done it!

He's come alive!

Oh, isn't he lovely?

What are you doing?

Why are you looking at me like that?
It's me, Watty.

I'm your friend.

Rubbatiti!

Please help him. He'll kill him.
You're joking.

Mummy!

Give me one good reason
why should I help him.

I shall be very, very grateful.

That's a good reason!

No. I'm your friend, Rubbatiti.

Get away from me. This is the thanks
I get for regenerating you?

Leave me alone. I'll send you
back to Egypt. I promise.

First class. All expenses paid.
You'll have a lovely trip.

Arrgh!

Oh...!

No! No! Aargh!

Don't look!

Aargh!

Frying tonight! Argh!

Mr Potter!

We wanted you to be
the first to know, Sergeant.

Doris and me, we just got married.
Well, congratulations. Thank you.

Well, you'd better come inside.
Ooh.

That IS good news.

Oh, you've met the wife.
I have, yes.

How are you, Mrs B...?

She's still a dummy!
Yes, I'm afraid so.

But, Sergeant, you can
regenerate her, like we did Doris.

We've only got gas.

Are you ready for your tea, Sidney?

Yes, ta.
Oh, and some for my friends, love.

Certainly, Sidney.

You mean, SHE'S looking after you?

That's right. Horrible, isn't it?

Subtitles by ITV SignPost