Original subtitles

[theme music plays]

- [bell tolls] - [Mildred] Come on.

Come on, we'll be late.

Hurry! I want to talk to my mum!

[pupils chattering]

Look at the queue!

[sighs]

You won't be long, will you, Ethel?

I mean, um, we're really busy.

We're revising for Miss Bat's witchery test tomorrow.

We kind of lost track of time.

And unless this queue gets moving, we're not going to have time to ring home.

This will be a call of considerable length, actually.

Mother's going to want to hear everything I've achieved today.

And whilst it might not take you two long to detail your achievements,

it can take a Hallow forever.

S-Sorry about that. I didn't...

- Ethie... - [door closes]

Apologies, darling, can't chat now. Magic Council.

- But... - Another time, hey?

You've just been talking to Esmerelda for hours.

Must fly!

- [pupils chatter] - [door opens]

Um... is Drusilla OK to go in now or...?

Drusilla is, but I'm not sure you are,

- Mildred Hubble. - [Mildred] Why?

[Ethel] Well, if I was the worst witch around here, I'd still be revising.

We've done plenty.

[Ethel] Won't be enough, though, will it?

I imagine it's practically impossible to get your head around

the entirety of witch history when you're not one.

- [cat mews] - Totally.

Yes, she is. Even the Great Wizard said so.

Not from a witching family, though, is she?

[Ethel] It must feel so unfair.

Some of us come top whether we work for it or not...

whilst others always come bottom, no matter what.

Well, not this time!

This time, I'm going to surprise a few people.

Who am I kidding? I'm not going to surprise anyone.

[Maud] Of course you will, Millie.

[Enid] Well, there is one way.

Haven't you ever heard of a wisdom spell?

If you found out how to do one of those, you'd be the cleverest girl in school.

Enid, Mildred would never do a spell for selfish gain.

It's against the code.

And she's wise enough to know not to break it.

Cleverest girl in the school?

Here's one. "To understand in 40,000 ways,

find the stocking of one who's lived for 40,000 days.

Add a beetle's blood and a frog's tears,

and lo, you shall see the world far beyond your years."

[Enid whispers wording]

Where are we going to find a century-old sock?

[Miss Bat snores softly]

- [floorboard creaks] - [snoring continues]

[groans quietly]

[gags quietly]

[snorts]

[snoring resumes]

[grunts]

[yells]

[Miss Bat] Who's been nibbling on my toes?

Lights out, Miss Hallow. Study time is over.

- Whoa! - [loud crash]

It didn't hurt a bit.

- [thud] - [Mildred] That did.

[coughs, giggles]

Miss Hardbroom, come quickly!

[Miss Bat] And there they were,

hobgoblins nipping at my socks! [sobs]

[Mr. Rowan Webb] Oh, please.

I think she's going to be needing some time off.

We'll have to get someone in to replace her, then.

Her witchery class has a rather important test tomorrow afternoon.

- And children can't teach themselves. - Let me see what I can do.

Give me a mind greater than my own

and turn me into the cleverest of crones.

[stomach gurgling]

[Enid] Has it worked? Do you feel really, really wise?

Um, I'm not sure.

Ask me about any moment in the whole history of witchcraft.

Which king of England banned all witches from his kingdom,

forcing us underground for eternity?

Um...

Uh... Something else.

I'll give you a clue. He had a big belly and a bushy beard.

- Oh, Father Christmas! - No!

- Henry VIII. - [sighs]

Oh, Mildred, it definitely hasn't worked. What are you going to do?

There's only one thing I can do.

Revise.

[knocking at door]

- [cat mews] - [door opens]

[Maud] It wasn't just me, then. I was up half the night revising as well.

Want to put an extra hour in now?

[sighs] I think I better had.

What?

What have you done with Mildred?

Are you feeling OK, Maud?

You don't seem yourself at all.

Mildred, is that... really you?

Who else would it be?

You look terrible.

Excuse me. No one looks their best first thing.

Anyone can have a bad hair day.

It's a lot worse than that.

Oh, no! The wisdom spell. [gasps]

No, Mildred, you didn't.

[Enid] We were supposed to make you wiser, not older.

Just look at your skin. It's so stretchy.

I need to go and see Miss Cackle straight away!

No, you don't. Think about how much trouble we'd get into.

Maud!

Where you going?

Well, if it's possible to magic you into a doddery old body,

it must be possible to magic you out.

Uh, Esmerelda, do you know anything about... wisdom spells?

A little bit, yes.

We're doing a... project on them.

And this book tells me how to do one,

but not how to undo it.

Well, that's because you can't.

These are time spells.

Only time can undo them, not you.

It might be a week, a month, even a year. You just have to wait and see.

[knocking at door]

- Uh, you, girl. Come here. - Sorry, I'm in a bit of a...

When a witch asks you to do something, it is not optional.

It doesn't depend on what you feel like. You do it!

[sighs]

Thank you.

I am Miss Darkside, the supply witch.

Apparently, someone called Miss Bat has lost all her marbles

and one of her socks,

and I am here to replace her.

Do you have any idea where your headteacher might be?

Yes. Yes, I think I might.

Miss Darkside, this is Miss Cackle.

Um, there seems to be a bit of a mix-up, though,

as Miss Cackle was just telling us that Miss Bat is now absolutely fine

and there is no need for a supply witch.

Is this true?

Mmm.

This place is even more chaotic than I'd heard.

I thought you were going to make things better.

I'm not saying that any of this is ideal. I'm just working with what I've got.

Do you know the punishment for impersonating a teacher?

A whole term of cat confiscation.

Ah! Miss Darkside, I presume.

Oh! Yes, that's me.

[Maud clears throat]

[sighs] Sorry about that. Long night.

Miss Darkside's been through a bit of a crisis.

Mildred's mum's been taken ill...

and Mildred had to go home to look after her.

Oh, dear. What's the matter?

Uh...

[stammers] A toenail, in-growing.

Is that really serious enough to miss school?

This one is. It's particularly invasive.

Oh. Well, how long will Mildred be?

A week. Maybe a month.

Even a year. We'll just have to wait and see.

Well...

Show Miss Darkside to your classroom, please, will you, Maud?

- She's in with you. - Just this way.

[bell tolls]

[quiet chatter]

Um... Morning, everyone.

I am... Mil...

Millicent Darkside...

and I'm...

I-I'm c-covering for Miss Bat.

And as Mildred Hubble's had to go home

on account of her mother's terrible toenail,

I need to magic her things on to her.

Or post them, either's good.

[Ethel] Mildred Hubble's gone home because of a toenail

- that isn't even hers? - That's right.

No, it isn't. She made that up to get out of the test.

The only way possible for her not to come bottom

was for her not to sit it in the first place.

- Oi! - [Maud clears throat]

Right, I think it's time I started teaching,

with me being the teacher.

So...

- What would Miss Bat do now, I wonder. - Fall asleep?

Our test. She'd help us prepare for the test

by telling us a story from witching history.

Yes. Yes, a story.

Right, um... OK.

- [knocking at door] - The door.

The door. Come in, please.

Miss Darkside?

Uh, yes, that's me. It's definitely me.

Miss Hardbroom, deputy head.

Just checking, you're settling in OK?

Wonderful to have someone like you on the staff.

- Your reputation long precedes you. - [Mildred] Does it?

And what exactly is my reputation these days, then?

As one of the greatest disciplinarians

of the entire witch academy network...

famed for upholding tradition...

in demanding order, instilling fear.

[Drusilla chuckles] Her?

M-Morning, everyone. I am your teacher, so I'll t-t-teach.

[Ethel laughs]

Are you laughing, girl?

I've known your sort before and I'll break you like I broke them!

- Out of my class, both of you! - Both?

Miss Darkside, I won't do it again.

Out!

That's what I heard.

Right, first-years.

Let's do this together.

When James VI of Scotland became king of England, too,

witches everywhere rejoiced...

because they thought things were about to get easier. But...

- No, still don't like them. - Boo!

Off with their heads!

And the witches weren't best pleased.

A whole head seems rather extreme. How about a finger instead?

But old Jambo was not for turning,

so a certain Guy Fawkes, the great wizard of his day,

assembled a meeting of the council.

There are three choices.

One, we have a stern word.

Two, we take his dinner money, yeah.

And three... [mimics explosion]

And that's how the Gunpowder Plot really came to be.

Fawkes had magicked himself beneath Parliament

and lit a fuse leading to a whacking great barrel!

But that morning, the king received a peculiar postcard.

"Dear Jambo,

Weather here nice. Don't think much of the food.

PS: You're about to go splat!"

[laughter]

So, as the barrel was about to boom...

Guy said...

"Uh, awkward. I suppose you'll be wanting my head?"

But instead of flinging him on the fire like those non-witches do,

we celebrated instead.

[all cheer]

You're the best teacher ever.

What a splendid command of witchery, Miss Darkside.

A passion for education as well as discipline.

This is Millicent Darkside.

[gasps] Hi, gang.

Hey, I know what you've heard, and believe me, it's all true.

But don't be scared. I save that stuff for the kids.

I'll be a pussycat with you.

How's Miss Bat?

[groans] Not herself at all, I'm afraid.

Her conversation is still almost entirely sock-centered.

[Miss Cackle] I suppose it was bound to happen eventually.

Strictly speaking, she should have left many moons ago.

Perhaps now's the time.

I don't know what I'd do without her.

If she goes, I'll have to consider my own future too.

If you're OK here, Miss Darkside...

I'm going to go and give Mildred Hubble's mother a call.

Where are we going?

[Ethel] Miss Cackle's office, obviously.

- Miss Darkside needs to know. - What are you doing?

Shh!

Proving that Mildred really is skipping the test.

All it needs is for Miss Cackle to ring her mum.

[Mildred] Wait! [pants]

Mildred's mum asked specifically not to be disturbed,

not until she feels a little better.

- Someone could just pretend to be her. - [chuckles] Who's gonna be that stupid?

Then I'll speak to Mildred instead.

You've got to be kidding me. No.

[Maud] Miss Cackle.

I just saw Miss Bat heading across the Great Hall

carrying every single sock she owns. Is everything OK?

[Miss Hardbroom] Ah, Miss Darkside, there you are.

A little marking for you to be getting on with.

[Miss Hardbroom continues indistinctly]

And Miss Bat's test for this afternoon, answers included.

Though I'm quite sure you, of all people, don't need them.

Ready, it's ringing.

[sighs]

[Julie] Hello?

- Oh, Mistress Hubble. [nervous chuckle] - Speaking.

Hello. It's Ada Cackle here from Cackle's Academy.

- Um, just... yes, sorry to trouble you. - Yes?

Just ringing to inquire about your toenail troubles.

My toenails? What?

Mildred Hubble's not at home with her mum!

Really, Ethel, the staff have told me all about your tendency for tall tales.

This isn't a tall tale. Her mum told us herself.

What?

Miss Darkside, I'm not one of the bad ones.

I work harder than anyone else.

No, you don't, it just comes naturally to you.

I wish it did.

Maybe then my mum would be even half as interested in me as my sister.

Are you serious?

Yes. So you have to believe me.

Mildred Hubble had no reason to go home...

because her mum's toes are absolutely fine.

[Miss Cackle] And how do you know?

I think it really is time I gave the Hubble household a call.

I'm going to be absolutely honest. This is not going to plan.

No, but it still can.

You've got the answers.

Doing well at something doesn't mean anything if you haven't put the effort in.

Even the teachers work really hard.

It turns out I know quite a lot of witchery anyway.

I could even teach it.

It's time I told the truth.

[exhales]

[Maud gasps] Mildred, wait! You're...

I'm sorry to bother you both, but there's something I have to tell you.

[Mildred clears throat]

I am Mildred Hubble.

Yes, we can see that, dear.

Oh! Yeah, so can I. It's so wonderful to be me!

Well, that's good to hear. But where have you been?

And what are you wearing?

- [door slams] - Whoops. She's really in for it now.

[Miss Cackle] It has come to our attention

that there might not be anything wrong with your mother.

Is that right?

If they speak to her mum, the game's still up.

Not if I can help it.

There's a spell. It's only supposed to work on witches.

Come on.

[Mildred] Well, I wouldn't say...

[stammers] I mean...

How I'd put it, she...

[Miss Bat snores quietly]

[Mr. Rowan Webb grunts]

- [yelps] - Ohhh! Morning.

- [gasps] - What?

[phone beeps]

Oh, why use technology when you can use magic?

It's A, "Candle in the Wind,"

and it's Julie Hubble. Yes, H...

[gasps]

You have got to stop doing that.

- Everything all right, Mildred, love? - Yes, Mum, it's fine.

Oh. This isn't about the state of my toenails again, is it?

Only I very much doubt there's been any change in the hour since you last called.

I'm not sure what's been going on here, but it's clear something has.

Dink-a-doo, dink-a-din, just for one afternoon only,

let Miss Hubble's toenail grow in and in and in!

Now look... [yells]

I think that's all the answer we need.

I must return to the classroom.

Miss Bat, you need your rest.

Staying in bed just makes things worse.

They're tinkering with my toenails now.

I'm safer at work.

Well, I'm sorry, that isn't going to be possible.

We've found a rather capable replacement.

Oh, but that's what I've come to tell you.

[stutters] Just as I got back, the supply witch said something

about this not being the place for her?

And she just flew off through the window.

Miss Darkside has gone?

Miss Bat, it's so wonderful to have you back.

- Miss Darkside wasn't a patch on you. - Oh!

[Miss Bat] Well done, Maud. Top of the class.

What? What about me?

- [Miss Bat] Uh, fourth. - Fourth?

Uh, was I bottom?

Not quite. That was Drusilla.

You were second from bottom.

This is the greatest moment in my entire life!

I'm only the second-worst witch!

I'm not sure it's anything to get too carried away with, Mildred,

but I am impressed that you picked up all that witch history so quickly.

Sorry to interrupt, Miss Bat, but we have reason to believe

that someone in this class has impersonated a teacher.

Did you ring Julie Hubble?

No. I-I did.

[Miss Cackle] My apologies.

Miss Paddock, fetch your feline.

I shall be speaking to your mother.

[bell tolls]

Esmerelda, no.

[Esmerelda] I'm terribly sorry, but do you mind if Ethel goes first?

Mother didn't talk to her last night and she's desperate to make up for it.

Of course. After you.

Come on, she wants to hear about everything you've achieved today.

Sorry, can't chat now. Another time, hey?

Oh, how did you get on with your project about the wisdom spell?

[Maud] Um... Fine, thank you.

[Esmerelda] You do know some of them don't make you wise beyond your years,

- just old beyond them? - [Maud] Yeah, I know.

[Esmerelda] So I'd steer clear, if I were you.

[Maud] Um, thanks.

You were Miss Darkside.

Yes, Ethel, I was.

And it was your idea to impersonate a teacher and call my mum, wasn't it?

Oh, Maud, I'm so pleased you knew that toenail spell.

- You sure she'll be all right by now? - Positive.

I can't believe that it actually did the trick.

My spell book said it only worked on witches,

but... I guess it must be wrong.

Unless...

What if my mum really is a witch after all?

Hello, Millie, love.

[theme music plays]