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1
00:00:09,542 --> 00:00:12,340
Have you ever been in charge
of 12 young boys?
2
00:00:12,512 --> 00:00:13,376
No, sir.
3
00:00:13,546 --> 00:00:16,140
Have you ever rubbed two sticks
together to make a fire?
4
00:00:16,316 --> 00:00:17,305
No, sir.
5
00:00:17,484 --> 00:00:19,577
Ever put your life
in another boy's hands?
6
00:00:19,753 --> 00:00:22,779
Have you ever asked another boy
to put his life in yours?
7
00:00:23,189 --> 00:00:24,918
No, sir.
8
00:00:25,125 --> 00:00:26,615
We follow orders, son.
9
00:00:26,793 --> 00:00:29,626
We follow orders,
or people's crafts turn out shoddy.
10
00:00:29,796 --> 00:00:32,196
It's that simple. Are we clear?
11
00:00:32,932 --> 00:00:35,025
- Yes, sir.
- Are we clear?
12
00:00:35,201 --> 00:00:37,362
- Yes, sir.
- Are we clear?
13
00:00:37,537 --> 00:00:39,505
Crystal.
14
00:00:39,672 --> 00:00:42,436
I think we've established
the clarity of it.
15
00:00:44,244 --> 00:00:47,839
All those having business here,
stand forward and you shall be heard.
16
00:00:48,014 --> 00:00:49,276
The facts are these:
17
00:00:49,449 --> 00:00:52,384
On September 6th, they entered
the bunk side of their troop mate.
18
00:00:53,820 --> 00:00:57,688
While he was sleeping, they placed
his hand into a glass of warm water.
19
00:00:57,924 --> 00:00:59,221
He then woke up.
20
00:00:59,392 --> 00:01:01,656
They proceeded to perpetrate
in giving a wedgie.
21
00:01:01,828 --> 00:01:03,625
Then suspended him
from a flagpole.
22
00:01:03,797 --> 00:01:07,528
They commenced to taunting him
and calling him "Skidmark Santiago."
23
00:01:08,301 --> 00:01:11,930
He then fainted, fell off the pole,
and skinned his knee.
24
00:01:12,605 --> 00:01:13,731
Listen up, glory boy.
25
00:01:13,907 --> 00:01:15,704
As troop den mother,
let me tell you...
26
00:01:15,875 --> 00:01:18,537
...if you insist upon handling this case
in the fast-food...
27
00:01:18,711 --> 00:01:21,874
...slick-ass manner
in which you handle everything...
28
00:01:22,048 --> 00:01:25,211
...you'll wind up with one childproof,
egg-eating, three-legged...
29
00:01:33,927 --> 00:01:36,862
- No cold?
- No code.
30
00:01:39,332 --> 00:01:41,232
What...? What is he...?
Can you?
31
00:01:41,401 --> 00:01:43,392
He had no cold in a menorah?
32
00:01:43,570 --> 00:01:46,471
Wait. What are you telling me?
Scout Santiago's Jewish?
33
00:01:46,639 --> 00:01:48,129
That's...
I don't think so.
34
00:01:48,308 --> 00:01:51,573
- Cholesterol-free, Rowan-and-Martin,
open-and-shut, Johnny-come-lately...
35
00:01:51,744 --> 00:01:52,938
...brown, hot-and-sour...
36
00:01:54,047 --> 00:01:56,572
You want to investigate me?
37
00:01:56,749 --> 00:01:58,876
Roll the dice
and take your chances.
38
00:01:59,052 --> 00:02:01,316
I eat breakfast every day
with 12 angry fathers...
39
00:02:01,488 --> 00:02:03,683
...who think I'm secretly
touching their sons.
40
00:02:03,857 --> 00:02:08,692
Don't think you'll come down here, flash
a merit badge, and make me nervous.
41
00:02:09,929 --> 00:02:13,194
- Fat-inducing, liposucted,
Bruce-Willis-sneered...
42
00:02:13,366 --> 00:02:15,231
...Hapsburg-chinned, thirst-quenching...
43
00:02:15,502 --> 00:02:17,470
We live in a world that has pup tents.
44
00:02:17,637 --> 00:02:20,265
Those tents are held together
with knots a scout learns:
45
00:02:20,440 --> 00:02:22,067
The square knot, the granny knot...
46
00:02:22,242 --> 00:02:24,142
...the shank, the hitch, the half-hitch.
47
00:02:24,310 --> 00:02:26,278
Who's gonna tie those knots? You?
48
00:02:27,113 --> 00:02:29,343
Your scouts follow orders,
or people get wedgied!
49
00:02:29,516 --> 00:02:31,643
- You want answers?
- I think I'm entitled.
50
00:02:31,818 --> 00:02:33,911
- You want answers?
- I want the truth!
51
00:02:34,087 --> 00:02:35,611
You can't handle the truth.
52
00:02:35,788 --> 00:02:37,653
- You want the truth?
- I want the truth!
53
00:02:37,824 --> 00:02:38,848
- What do you want?
- Truth!
54
00:02:39,025 --> 00:02:40,117
- When do you want it?
- Now!
55
00:02:40,293 --> 00:02:41,282
Give me a T.
56
00:02:41,461 --> 00:02:42,393
Give me an R.
57
00:02:42,562 --> 00:02:43,551
Give me a U.
58
00:02:43,730 --> 00:02:44,822
Give me a T.
59
00:02:44,998 --> 00:02:45,965
Give me an H.
60
00:02:46,132 --> 00:02:47,997
- What's that spell?
- The truth!
61
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,601
All right. You got it.
62
00:02:49,969 --> 00:02:51,937
That's great. Thanks.
No further questions.
63
00:02:52,605 --> 00:02:57,235
In the heart
of troop number A3-54...
64
00:02:57,410 --> 00:02:59,640
... in a den mother's barracks...
65
00:02:59,812 --> 00:03:04,715
... they're clearing a space on the mantle
for a special guest named Oscar.
66
00:03:04,884 --> 00:03:05,873
I think I...
67
00:03:06,052 --> 00:03:08,077
I think I got a pretty
good shot here.
68
00:03:08,254 --> 00:03:11,621
I mean, it's pretty intense stuff.
So yeah, it's...
69
00:04:29,035 --> 00:04:30,627
Welcome to the show.
I'm Ben Stiller.
70
00:04:30,803 --> 00:04:32,964
We're on the set of that
Few Good Men parody.
71
00:04:33,139 --> 00:04:36,734
We thought we'd give you a behind-
the-scenes look at how we do the show.
72
00:04:36,909 --> 00:04:38,376
It's really a wig I'm wearing.
73
00:04:38,544 --> 00:04:40,944
The cast is angry
they didn't do Jack Nicholson.
74
00:04:41,114 --> 00:04:44,811
I should have done it.
"Hold the sandwich between your legs."
75
00:04:44,984 --> 00:04:47,817
"I'm the guy from
Terms of Endearment."
76
00:04:47,987 --> 00:04:49,648
"Here's Johnny!"
77
00:04:49,822 --> 00:04:54,054
"I'll take a tuna fish sandwich
on rye bread. Hold the tuna."
78
00:04:54,227 --> 00:04:56,354
That's why we brought
someone else in to do it.
79
00:04:56,529 --> 00:04:59,726
I think you can understand why.
Why don't we just go to this?
80
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:02,499
We're responding to a
disturbing-the-peace call.
81
00:05:04,537 --> 00:05:06,300
We get a couple
of these calls a night.
82
00:05:06,472 --> 00:05:08,667
Mostly local kids
all hopped-up on mead...
83
00:05:08,841 --> 00:05:12,641
...playing chicken on a jousting field,
trying to impress some maiden.
84
00:05:13,279 --> 00:05:15,474
That ain't no jousting match!
Come on, Johnny!
85
00:05:18,651 --> 00:05:19,879
Over here, Johnny!
86
00:05:21,421 --> 00:05:23,821
Quickly! Merlin has turned
his wife into an ox!
87
00:05:24,324 --> 00:05:26,019
Don't worry, Felicia!
88
00:05:26,192 --> 00:05:30,720
I shall return thee to thy normal state.
89
00:05:32,165 --> 00:05:33,757
Drop the wand, Houdini!
90
00:05:34,467 --> 00:05:36,765
Drop the damn wand!
Do it!
91
00:05:37,904 --> 00:05:41,499
I will put a spell on all of you!
92
00:05:43,209 --> 00:05:45,234
- Put your hands behind your head!
- My wife!
93
00:05:45,411 --> 00:05:46,400
Shut up!
94
00:05:47,413 --> 00:05:49,142
Shut the f* * * up!
95
00:05:49,315 --> 00:05:52,148
Okay, okay, okay.
96
00:05:53,519 --> 00:05:56,215
In a situation like this,
we'll apprehend the suspect...
97
00:05:56,389 --> 00:05:59,984
...then we'll impound the wand,
run a check on it.
98
00:06:00,159 --> 00:06:02,150
Usually it turns out it's hot.
99
00:06:02,562 --> 00:06:04,928
I had an argument with my wife...
100
00:06:05,098 --> 00:06:07,726
...and I accidentally
turned her into an ox.
101
00:06:07,900 --> 00:06:10,835
Listen, I don't care.
You can't be making all this noise.
102
00:06:11,003 --> 00:06:13,164
- That's right.
- Felicia!
103
00:06:13,840 --> 00:06:16,206
My wife!
That is my wife.
104
00:06:16,376 --> 00:06:18,537
What did we just finish telling you?
105
00:06:18,711 --> 00:06:19,700
I...
106
00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:22,370
- Baby goes to sleep.
- Where is my elixir?
107
00:06:25,485 --> 00:06:30,115
We got a message about a domestic
disturbance two miles from here.
108
00:06:30,289 --> 00:06:32,280
- We'll go check it out.
- I'll go with you.
109
00:06:32,458 --> 00:06:35,950
- No, you stay put, wonder boy.
- Whose apples are these?
110
00:06:36,129 --> 00:06:38,495
Are these magic apples?
111
00:06:40,666 --> 00:06:43,931
- Will you look at this?
- Leave me alone!
112
00:06:44,103 --> 00:06:47,971
Leave me alone. I'm trying to pull
this sword from this stone!
113
00:06:48,141 --> 00:06:49,802
- Great! The cops are here.
- Shut up!
114
00:06:49,976 --> 00:06:50,965
Good work.
115
00:06:52,612 --> 00:06:56,070
You got 100 people here waiting
to pull the sword from the stone.
116
00:06:56,249 --> 00:06:58,274
You had your shot at this thing,
all right?
117
00:06:58,451 --> 00:07:01,249
Is this your kid?
Tell me something. Wait a minute.
118
00:07:01,854 --> 00:07:04,220
- That's your daddy, right?
- Yeah.
119
00:07:04,390 --> 00:07:07,416
Okay. Now, your daddy's
been drinking a little bit of mead?
120
00:07:07,593 --> 00:07:09,083
I have not been drinking.
121
00:07:09,262 --> 00:07:12,026
Don't tell me that.
I smell it all over your breath.
122
00:07:12,198 --> 00:07:14,462
It's my clothing.
I spilled something on it, sir.
123
00:07:14,634 --> 00:07:16,795
What's going on here?
Are you pulling the sword?
124
00:07:16,969 --> 00:07:19,699
Yes. I'm trying to pull the sword
from the stone.
125
00:07:19,872 --> 00:07:22,739
Oh, yeah?
Well, who's the lady here?
126
00:07:22,909 --> 00:07:27,369
This wench is my wife,
I'm very sorry to say.
127
00:07:27,547 --> 00:07:30,607
Is that any way to act in front
of your wife and kid? You're drunk.
128
00:07:31,050 --> 00:07:34,611
- She fills him full of lies.
- He's a terrible role model.
129
00:07:34,787 --> 00:07:37,585
She fills him full of lies.
What am I supposed to do?
130
00:07:37,757 --> 00:07:40,282
- Get up. Get up.
- I'm the king!
131
00:07:41,093 --> 00:07:43,755
No, wait. Go ahead.
Give it a shot.
132
00:07:45,965 --> 00:07:47,432
- There you go.
- Nothing happens.
133
00:07:47,600 --> 00:07:50,364
I got news, Mr. Universe.
It's not coming out, all right?
134
00:07:50,536 --> 00:07:54,563
Okay, okay. I just wanted
one chance! You know? I mean...
135
00:07:54,740 --> 00:07:56,469
I wanna pull the sword
from the stone.
136
00:07:56,642 --> 00:07:58,872
You can't even pull up
your own pants.
137
00:07:59,045 --> 00:08:01,411
Let him try.
You see what she does?
138
00:08:01,581 --> 00:08:03,208
You wanna pull this?
Go ahead.
139
00:08:03,382 --> 00:08:06,715
- She's on his back already.
- You pick up the pieces.
140
00:08:06,886 --> 00:08:08,717
All right. Give it a try.
141
00:08:11,858 --> 00:08:14,622
Behold Excalibur!
142
00:08:14,794 --> 00:08:18,958
- I loosened it for him. I was there.
- Shut up!
143
00:08:19,499 --> 00:08:22,525
I knew there was something special
about this boy!
144
00:08:22,702 --> 00:08:25,865
All right. That's it, everybody.
Show's over, okay?
145
00:08:26,038 --> 00:08:29,132
You got your king. Sword's been pulled
from the stone. Go home now.
146
00:08:29,308 --> 00:08:32,175
Everybody's got homes to go to.
That's it, all right?
147
00:08:32,945 --> 00:08:34,879
That's great.
I bust my hump 11 years.
148
00:08:35,047 --> 00:08:38,710
Some kid pulls a stick out of a rock,
becomes my boss.
149
00:08:39,185 --> 00:08:40,516
That's some cough you got.
150
00:08:40,686 --> 00:08:42,813
Got a touch of the plague
that's going around.
151
00:08:42,989 --> 00:08:44,957
You know what's good
for that? Leeches.
152
00:08:45,124 --> 00:08:48,059
Hurts like a mother,
but it works. Really.
153
00:08:49,362 --> 00:08:53,162
And now, Ben Stiller's Music News
with Tabitha Soren.
154
00:08:53,699 --> 00:08:57,533
Hello, I'm Tabitha Soren, and this is
a Stiller Music News special report.
155
00:08:57,703 --> 00:09:01,867
Controversy surrounds a trio of backup
singers who call themselves Vanilla Heat.
156
00:09:02,041 --> 00:09:03,167
In an unprecedented move...
157
00:09:03,342 --> 00:09:06,402
...they are suing the entire
music industry for discrimination.
158
00:09:06,579 --> 00:09:09,139
We caught up to Heat
at their L.A. Home studio.
159
00:09:09,315 --> 00:09:11,010
They had this to say:
160
00:09:11,183 --> 00:09:13,344
I mean, we've been in L.A.
For eight...
161
00:09:13,519 --> 00:09:14,781
- Eight years.
- For...
162
00:09:14,954 --> 00:09:19,084
We've been in L.A. For eight years,
and we have yet to get job one.
163
00:09:19,258 --> 00:09:21,158
Question: What's wrong
with this picture?
164
00:09:21,594 --> 00:09:24,586
Answer: When it comes
to backup singers...
165
00:09:24,764 --> 00:09:28,063
...if you don't look a certain way,
an invisible wall goes up.
166
00:09:28,267 --> 00:09:29,632
Come on.
Four for nothing.
167
00:09:29,802 --> 00:09:31,895
Four, three, two.
168
00:09:39,512 --> 00:09:42,709
Nail that spin, Kim.
Nail that spin.
169
00:09:42,882 --> 00:09:45,646
The music industry is a hall of mirrors.
170
00:09:45,818 --> 00:09:48,309
For some reason,
we have not been invited in.
171
00:09:48,487 --> 00:09:50,785
The reason is plain and simple.
172
00:09:50,957 --> 00:09:54,688
If you're not a hot chick in spandex...
173
00:09:54,860 --> 00:09:57,624
...who's willing to shake
your rump and flaunt it...
174
00:09:57,797 --> 00:09:59,492
...forget it. You need not apply.
175
00:10:09,208 --> 00:10:12,939
We have currently over 700 legal suits...
176
00:10:13,112 --> 00:10:15,603
...pending in Los Angeles
Municipal Court.
177
00:10:15,781 --> 00:10:17,681
Well, I don't know why they're suing me.
178
00:10:17,850 --> 00:10:20,478
I don't hire singers. That's not what I do.
179
00:10:20,653 --> 00:10:23,816
Kim is our legal counselor, if you will.
180
00:10:23,990 --> 00:10:27,448
Well, he's not, I mean...
He's not exactly...
181
00:10:27,627 --> 00:10:31,188
You're not a lawyer, right?
Let's put the cards on the table here.
182
00:10:31,364 --> 00:10:35,061
You're not a lawyer,
but you're acting in our behalf.
183
00:10:35,234 --> 00:10:37,395
I am not a lawyer, per se.
184
00:10:37,570 --> 00:10:40,562
However, I am very comfortable
in a court of law.
185
00:10:40,740 --> 00:10:44,972
And I am fluent in two languages:
English and legalese.
186
00:10:48,748 --> 00:10:52,582
I don't know. These guys wanted to
try out to be my background singers.
187
00:10:52,752 --> 00:10:55,380
I said, cool. I'm always
looking for good talent.
188
00:10:55,554 --> 00:10:57,419
And, you know, they just suck.
189
00:11:00,393 --> 00:11:03,624
We, as a group, have too much talent...
190
00:11:03,796 --> 00:11:05,093
...to let this happen.
191
00:11:05,264 --> 00:11:07,664
I'm not gonna lay down
for the steamroller, okay?
192
00:11:07,833 --> 00:11:09,562
It's not gonna happen with me.
193
00:11:09,735 --> 00:11:12,795
Excuse me. We're here
for the backup singer auditions.
194
00:11:12,972 --> 00:11:15,907
- I don't think you have an appointment.
- It's happening again.
195
00:11:16,075 --> 00:11:18,942
All we need is five minutes
of your time, please.
196
00:11:19,245 --> 00:11:22,180
I think if we were dressed
in hot spandex outfits...
197
00:11:22,348 --> 00:11:25,647
...and had earrings on and looked great,
we'd have no problem here.
198
00:11:25,818 --> 00:11:29,549
- You'd roll out the red carpet for us.
- Maybe we should've worn our dresses.
199
00:11:29,722 --> 00:11:32,418
Four for nothing.
One, two, three, four.
200
00:11:41,267 --> 00:11:42,791
Let's go.
201
00:11:44,170 --> 00:11:47,003
Come on! Come on!
Come on.
202
00:11:48,574 --> 00:11:51,771
I don't care. Blacklist me.
Cross my name off the list.
203
00:11:51,944 --> 00:11:54,742
Because it was never there
in the first place.
204
00:11:55,014 --> 00:11:56,038
Stay out!
205
00:12:04,890 --> 00:12:08,656
We're not religious people,
but we can't deny...
206
00:12:08,828 --> 00:12:11,797
...that God gave us these voices.
207
00:12:11,964 --> 00:12:14,956
And sometimes when we're singing...
208
00:12:15,134 --> 00:12:18,262
...I can feel him smiling down upon us.
209
00:12:18,437 --> 00:12:20,997
Yeah. Well, does he know
a good lawyer?
210
00:12:23,576 --> 00:12:25,635
I'm out of here.
211
00:12:31,851 --> 00:12:33,876
Tonight on American Profiles:
212
00:12:34,053 --> 00:12:37,614
BillyBob Hoyt, high-tech hillbilly.
213
00:12:39,191 --> 00:12:42,683
Buford, listen. Tell Sheriff O'Dell
that if we don't expand...
214
00:12:42,862 --> 00:12:45,262
...there's not gonna be any
county line. All right?
215
00:12:45,431 --> 00:12:47,228
Great.
216
00:12:47,633 --> 00:12:50,261
Hold it. I'm gonna get you
20 cases by Tuesday.
217
00:12:50,436 --> 00:12:51,664
That's on the house.
218
00:12:51,837 --> 00:12:55,170
You know who you're
talking to here, right? Good.
219
00:12:55,341 --> 00:12:57,775
Sally Jo, get me the facts
on that McSorely feud.
220
00:12:57,943 --> 00:13:01,538
I need specifics. How many have been
killed, how many have been run off?
221
00:13:01,714 --> 00:13:04,274
And cancel my wrestling match
with Leland.
222
00:13:04,450 --> 00:13:07,544
Get some more houseflies in here.
I feel like I'm in the city.
223
00:13:08,521 --> 00:13:10,489
What we're doing at HillTech is trying...
224
00:13:11,924 --> 00:13:14,825
...to preserve the hillbilly lifestyle
by making it profitable.
225
00:13:14,994 --> 00:13:16,586
And guess what?
226
00:13:16,962 --> 00:13:18,452
It's working.
227
00:13:18,764 --> 00:13:21,597
Great. Pointier. Can't be pointy
enough. Remember that.
228
00:13:21,767 --> 00:13:23,098
- What you got?
- Whittle-Quick.
229
00:13:23,269 --> 00:13:25,260
I want that in the catalog by Christmas.
230
00:13:25,437 --> 00:13:28,031
This is my eighth cousin
and number one idea man, Claude.
231
00:13:28,207 --> 00:13:29,697
What do you got today?
232
00:13:29,875 --> 00:13:33,675
This is something we've been working on
called the Pick-O-Matic 2000.
233
00:13:33,846 --> 00:13:36,440
Fully automatic, solar-powered
foot picker.
234
00:13:36,615 --> 00:13:40,073
Picks feet free of corn, wood slivers,
pebbles, what-have-you.
235
00:13:40,252 --> 00:13:44,018
While leaving your hands free
to shoo flies, smoke a pipe, whatever.
236
00:13:44,190 --> 00:13:46,522
People like to pick their own feet!
237
00:13:47,092 --> 00:13:48,525
This is the tip of the iceberg.
238
00:13:48,694 --> 00:13:51,686
Right now, we're developing
a blend of nonalcoholic moonshine.
239
00:13:51,864 --> 00:13:53,331
"All the kick and none of the sick."
240
00:13:53,899 --> 00:13:55,389
I don't cotton to it.
241
00:13:58,070 --> 00:14:01,904
We're negotiating with a big defense
firm about feud technology...
242
00:14:02,074 --> 00:14:05,134
...or what we call
"interfamily squabbles."
243
00:14:05,311 --> 00:14:08,303
You can shoot at a Hatfield,
but don't be shooting at any Hoyts.
244
00:14:08,480 --> 00:14:09,947
How do I know they're a Hatfield?
245
00:14:10,115 --> 00:14:13,243
They're chicken-livered,
colicky-Iooking, yellow types.
246
00:14:13,419 --> 00:14:16,513
I think I smell one now, talking to Sis!
247
00:14:17,289 --> 00:14:20,190
- You get off our property!
- And stay off!
248
00:14:28,100 --> 00:14:31,763
I'm not alone. There's a new breed
of us young hicks on the move.
249
00:14:31,937 --> 00:14:35,134
Erasmus! Thank you, Elliot.
250
00:14:35,441 --> 00:14:37,636
Good to see you. Hi.
251
00:14:37,810 --> 00:14:39,607
Chad! Hey.
252
00:14:39,778 --> 00:14:41,040
Delbert!
253
00:14:41,213 --> 00:14:43,078
How's that greased-pig catcher coming?
254
00:14:47,920 --> 00:14:50,480
No, no. Don't worry.
We have a code here. Relax.
255
00:14:50,656 --> 00:14:52,283
Hey.
256
00:14:54,426 --> 00:14:55,893
Fellow hillbilly millionaires...
257
00:14:56,061 --> 00:14:58,621
...all of us are related
by years of intermarriage...
258
00:14:58,797 --> 00:15:01,391
...and by our respect
for innovation and enterprise.
259
00:15:01,567 --> 00:15:04,331
On behalf of the Young Hillbillies
Millionaires Club...
260
00:15:04,503 --> 00:15:06,835
...I'd like to present
this year's Golden Jug Award...
261
00:15:07,006 --> 00:15:08,940
...to BillyBob Hoyt.
262
00:15:11,043 --> 00:15:13,603
I'm a hillbilly.
I'm a businessman.
263
00:15:13,779 --> 00:15:17,476
But mostly I'm just a guy who
never understood the word "can't."
264
00:15:19,718 --> 00:15:22,812
And now a word about Grady's Oats.
265
00:15:24,023 --> 00:15:26,082
You talking to me?
266
00:15:26,358 --> 00:15:28,258
I don't see anybody else
around here.
267
00:15:28,427 --> 00:15:31,362
I guess that means
you're talking to me.
268
00:15:32,965 --> 00:15:35,024
Thirty-eight caliber snub-nose.
269
00:15:35,200 --> 00:15:38,636
Some people call it a
Saturday night special.
270
00:15:38,804 --> 00:15:40,931
See, certain things
never go out of style.
271
00:15:41,106 --> 00:15:44,701
Things like craftsmanship,
dedication to hard work.
272
00:15:44,877 --> 00:15:46,469
The good people at Gra...
273
00:15:48,047 --> 00:15:49,947
Those damn kids!
274
00:15:50,115 --> 00:15:52,276
That's it! That's it!
275
00:15:52,451 --> 00:15:55,443
Hey! What did I tell you
about playing ball back there?
276
00:15:55,621 --> 00:15:57,714
Get out of here, or I'll kill you!
277
00:15:58,257 --> 00:16:01,283
I'll kill you and your families!
278
00:16:03,762 --> 00:16:05,696
Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.
279
00:16:05,864 --> 00:16:08,196
It's an...
What did I tell you?
280
00:16:08,400 --> 00:16:10,061
You've been warned!
281
00:16:11,136 --> 00:16:14,697
Get up! I don't care if he's hurt!
Get him out of there!
282
00:16:14,873 --> 00:16:16,602
This is my lawn!
283
00:16:16,775 --> 00:16:19,403
Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.
284
00:16:20,279 --> 00:16:22,270
These are my flowers.
285
00:16:22,481 --> 00:16:24,540
They're beautiful flowers!
286
00:16:24,717 --> 00:16:26,742
They're beautiful colors!
287
00:16:26,919 --> 00:16:28,352
Yellow and purple...
288
00:16:28,520 --> 00:16:30,249
...and you ruined them!
289
00:16:30,522 --> 00:16:33,514
You've ruined my flowers!
290
00:16:35,794 --> 00:16:38,957
- Is my wig?
- Your wig's fine. How's my tooth?
291
00:16:39,131 --> 00:16:42,498
Welcome back to the show.
Your tooth looks just fine, Janeane.
292
00:16:42,668 --> 00:16:44,693
We're excited because
we're on at 10:30 now.
293
00:16:44,870 --> 00:16:47,498
We can say words we couldn't say
when we were on earlier.
294
00:16:47,673 --> 00:16:51,541
We actually have a list of words
we can say at 10:30, or 9:30 Central...
295
00:16:51,710 --> 00:16:54,508
...that we couldn't say at 7:30,
6:30 Central. Say them.
296
00:16:54,680 --> 00:16:56,238
"Crap" and "crappy."
297
00:16:57,016 --> 00:16:58,415
"Bitch"!
298
00:16:58,584 --> 00:17:00,051
"Doodie"!
299
00:17:00,219 --> 00:17:01,550
"Bastard."
300
00:17:01,720 --> 00:17:03,449
- All right. That's enough.
- More.
301
00:17:03,622 --> 00:17:04,611
- "Pee-pee."
- "Period."
302
00:17:04,790 --> 00:17:06,485
- "Ca-ca."
- This wasn't a good idea.
303
00:17:06,658 --> 00:17:08,023
- "Breasts."
- Okay.
304
00:17:08,193 --> 00:17:10,127
- "Ass."
- Why don't we just go to this?
305
00:17:10,295 --> 00:17:11,922
"Whore."
306
00:17:26,879 --> 00:17:29,814
Hey, trainee. Sure is busy
on your first night, huh?
307
00:17:29,982 --> 00:17:32,780
The guy at table 14 keeps changing
his side-dish order.
308
00:17:32,951 --> 00:17:36,546
That's because they all taste so good.
It's hard to pick just one.
309
00:17:36,722 --> 00:17:39,748
- This is the best job, isn't it?
- Yeah, I guess.
310
00:17:39,925 --> 00:17:41,893
My boyfriend didn't want me to work here.
311
00:17:42,061 --> 00:17:44,256
He thinks fake-theme
restaurants are corny.
312
00:17:44,430 --> 00:17:46,955
It isn't a fake theme.
313
00:17:48,100 --> 00:17:50,000
What's all the chitchatting back here?
314
00:17:50,169 --> 00:17:52,399
We got some appetizer specials
to push, right?
315
00:17:52,571 --> 00:17:54,664
- You want to be part of the team?
- Yes.
316
00:17:54,840 --> 00:17:58,241
Why don't you sell table 9 another
order of deep-fried Pooterballs, okay?
317
00:17:58,410 --> 00:17:59,775
- I'll try.
- Remember our motto:
318
00:17:59,945 --> 00:18:02,379
"Customers are always hungrier
than they think they are."
319
00:18:02,548 --> 00:18:05,881
- So get out there and sell them.
- Okay.
320
00:18:08,854 --> 00:18:10,947
Hi, and welcome
to T.J. O'Pootertoot's...
321
00:18:11,123 --> 00:18:14,581
...where you're sure to have the
rootenist, tootenist, pootenist good meal.
322
00:18:14,760 --> 00:18:16,489
I'm Faith, and I'll be your food gal.
323
00:18:16,662 --> 00:18:20,530
Tonight's drink specials include
Sex in a Hamper, with or without milk...
324
00:18:20,699 --> 00:18:23,725
...and pudding shots. Our dinner
specials include the Angry Mexi...
325
00:18:23,902 --> 00:18:27,702
I don't need to hear them. I want
two orders of deep-fried curly ribs...
326
00:18:27,873 --> 00:18:31,331
...a Miserable Whore
without salt around the rim for me...
327
00:18:31,510 --> 00:18:33,603
...and a Giggling Scoundrel
for the lady...
328
00:18:33,779 --> 00:18:36,145
...and a side of the
atomic liver crisps.
329
00:18:36,315 --> 00:18:39,375
- Like some Pooterballs with that?
- What kind of meat is in that?
330
00:18:39,551 --> 00:18:41,917
Pooter meat.
With a taste that's oddly familiar.
331
00:18:42,221 --> 00:18:43,381
No, thanks.
332
00:18:43,555 --> 00:18:46,718
- How about Colorado bean strips?
- I just told you what I wanted!
333
00:18:49,328 --> 00:18:51,262
With an order of Alaskan minibites...
334
00:18:51,430 --> 00:18:53,557
...you're entitled to a free hour
of karaoke...
335
00:18:53,732 --> 00:18:58,635
We don't want any "mini" things.
We just want what we ordered, okay?
336
00:18:59,338 --> 00:19:01,431
- Honey...!
- I'm hungry.
337
00:19:02,741 --> 00:19:05,733
Wow, I just sold two more orders
of Red-Hot Rancheroos.
338
00:19:05,911 --> 00:19:08,038
That's 25 more Pooter points for me.
339
00:19:08,213 --> 00:19:12,081
You kill yourself for Pooter points,
all you get is T.J.'s moustache wax.
340
00:19:12,251 --> 00:19:13,878
I know you didn't mean that.
341
00:19:14,052 --> 00:19:16,020
Be careful!
If somebody overhears you...
342
00:19:16,188 --> 00:19:20,056
...we could both get shipped off
to Pootertoot's Spirit Camp.
343
00:19:22,327 --> 00:19:24,852
- Hey, there, soldier. How's it going?
- Good.
344
00:19:25,030 --> 00:19:28,158
There's nothing like that feeling
of knowing you're part of a team.
345
00:19:28,333 --> 00:19:29,925
That feeling deep down inside...
346
00:19:30,102 --> 00:19:33,799
...knowing you're one insignificant part
of a much greater plan.
347
00:19:33,972 --> 00:19:36,167
And that plan is T.J. O'Pootertoot's.
348
00:19:36,341 --> 00:19:37,706
Let's have an Alley Rally.
349
00:19:37,876 --> 00:19:40,367
I can't right now.
I have an order coming up.
350
00:19:40,846 --> 00:19:43,906
We're having an Alley Rally.
351
00:19:44,082 --> 00:19:46,209
Come on!
We're having an Alley Rally.
352
00:19:46,385 --> 00:19:48,751
Who's the best, east or west?
353
00:19:48,921 --> 00:19:50,582
T.J. O'Pootertoot's!
354
00:19:50,756 --> 00:19:52,656
Where does the guest
rest with zest?
355
00:19:52,824 --> 00:19:54,519
T.J. O'Pootertoot's!
356
00:19:54,693 --> 00:19:56,456
Who always passes
the bunk food test?
357
00:19:56,628 --> 00:19:58,152
T.J. O'Pootertoot's!
358
00:19:58,330 --> 00:20:00,764
- Hey!
- T.J. Loves you.
359
00:20:00,933 --> 00:20:03,925
- What are you doing?
- You must join us. T.J. Commands it.
360
00:20:04,102 --> 00:20:05,194
Faith!
361
00:20:05,370 --> 00:20:06,359
Faith!
362
00:20:06,538 --> 00:20:07,937
David!
363
00:20:08,240 --> 00:20:09,468
No!
364
00:20:10,409 --> 00:20:11,876
No!
365
00:20:12,711 --> 00:20:13,700
David!
366
00:20:14,646 --> 00:20:17,945
- Keep back. He has the book of Pooter.
- Stay back. I'll trim you all!
367
00:20:18,116 --> 00:20:21,483
- What is going on?
- I was right. It's all in here.
368
00:20:21,653 --> 00:20:23,985
O'Pootertoot was a member
of the Donner Party.
369
00:20:24,156 --> 00:20:26,090
The pioneers who were
snowed in and...
370
00:20:26,258 --> 00:20:27,782
Ate each other. Right.
371
00:20:27,960 --> 00:20:31,259
One of the survivors, a young man
named T.J. O'Pootertoot...
372
00:20:31,430 --> 00:20:34,365
...decided that human flesh
made the ultimate fun food.
373
00:20:34,533 --> 00:20:36,558
He's right!
It's fun-a-licious!
374
00:20:36,735 --> 00:20:40,034
- What are you saying?
- It's people!
375
00:20:40,205 --> 00:20:44,107
Pooterballs are made out of people.
376
00:20:47,379 --> 00:20:49,939
- No!
- He's weak. Come with us.
377
00:20:50,115 --> 00:20:51,309
- You'll snack forever.
- No.
378
00:20:51,483 --> 00:20:53,246
T.J. Is the way!
379
00:20:53,418 --> 00:20:55,181
- Have a Pooterball.
- No!
380
00:20:55,354 --> 00:20:56,878
Faith!
381
00:20:57,189 --> 00:20:58,679
Snack on this!
382
00:21:03,462 --> 00:21:04,622
Come on.
383
00:21:06,398 --> 00:21:08,423
Wait! We should tell them.
384
00:21:08,600 --> 00:21:10,932
No. Don't look into their eyes!
385
00:21:12,938 --> 00:21:13,927
Come on.
386
00:21:14,172 --> 00:21:17,300
What are we gonna do?
We need a female to re-populate with.
387
00:21:17,476 --> 00:21:19,637
T.J. Must have a male heir.
It is written!
388
00:21:19,811 --> 00:21:23,474
Do not worry, young Dwayne.
We will find another.
389
00:21:25,050 --> 00:21:27,416
Hi. I'd like to apply for a job.
390
00:21:28,120 --> 00:21:31,055
Yes. Right this way.
391
00:21:47,606 --> 00:21:50,006
That's it for the show.
Hope you had a good time.
392
00:21:50,175 --> 00:21:52,905
I want to thank my cast,
who all did a great job this week.
393
00:21:53,078 --> 00:21:54,375
Especially Janeane.
394
00:21:54,546 --> 00:21:58,482
It's not easy being the only female
member of a practically all-male cast.
395
00:21:58,650 --> 00:22:00,709
- You're really holding your own.
- You are.
396
00:22:00,886 --> 00:22:04,322
Thanks. You guys have always been
very respectful, and I appreciate it.
397
00:22:04,489 --> 00:22:06,218
- You are welcome.
- Well, that's it.
398
00:22:06,391 --> 00:22:08,120
- Good night.
- Cut!
399
00:22:08,293 --> 00:22:09,885
- Good night. Cut.
- Great.
400
00:22:10,062 --> 00:22:12,622
- I'm gonna be in my dressing room.
- All right, Andy!
401
00:22:12,798 --> 00:22:15,198
- Shake it! Shake it, baby!
- Looking good!
402
00:22:15,367 --> 00:22:18,427
Take it off, Mama!
He is hot tonight!
403
00:22:18,603 --> 00:22:23,336
Stop harassing me, once and for all!
404
00:22:24,910 --> 00:22:27,276
- You're beautiful when you're angry.
- Yes!
405
00:22:27,446 --> 00:22:29,437
Can't take the heat,
get out of the kitchen.
406
00:22:29,614 --> 00:22:31,844
- That is a fine piece of meat.
- Yeah!
407
00:22:31,917 --> 00:22:35,409
As a side business,
we write a lot of commercial jingles.
408
00:22:35,721 --> 00:22:39,953
It's not art, but it pays the bills.
409
00:22:40,125 --> 00:22:43,185
Well, if we ever sold one,
it might pay some bills.
410
00:22:58,744 --> 00:22:59,733
[ENGLISH]
411
00:22:59,783 --> 00:23:04,333
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