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1
00:00:04,037 --> 00:00:08,133
Welcome to the show. I'm Ben Stiller.
I'm here with Janeane Garofalo.
2
00:00:08,308 --> 00:00:10,970
And Flea from the Red Hot Chili Peppers
is gonna be here.
3
00:00:11,144 --> 00:00:12,441
It's gonna be great.
4
00:00:12,612 --> 00:00:17,345
Ladies and gentlemen, meet Serpico,
meets Toma, meets Baretta here.
5
00:00:17,517 --> 00:00:19,917
Stuck in the asphalt jungle down here.
6
00:00:20,086 --> 00:00:23,385
- I don't know why we're down here.
- Hey, enough of your attitude, okay?
7
00:00:23,556 --> 00:00:26,457
We can do the show from any place
with any look that we want.
8
00:00:26,626 --> 00:00:28,184
Why don't we go to the first film.
9
00:00:28,361 --> 00:00:29,692
- Who are you?
- I don't know.
10
00:00:29,863 --> 00:00:33,355
I'm allowed to wear a leather jacket,
though, and have graffiti behind me.
11
00:00:33,533 --> 00:00:35,524
Not only is it
sweltering hot out here...
12
00:00:35,702 --> 00:00:38,796
...but we're about
to have our throats slit...
13
00:00:38,972 --> 00:00:41,497
...by Dutch Tilt and his gang.
14
00:00:41,674 --> 00:00:45,474
- Dutch Tilt? Is he a gangster?
- Dutch Tilt and his gang. I have to go.
15
00:00:45,645 --> 00:00:47,044
All right. Why...?
16
00:00:48,281 --> 00:00:51,717
Hi. I'm Daniel Day-Lewis. Those of you
who've seen Last of the Mohicans...
17
00:00:51,885 --> 00:00:54,479
...know that much of the plot
consists of my character...
18
00:00:54,654 --> 00:00:56,383
...running from one place to another.
19
00:00:56,556 --> 00:00:58,387
Running up hills...
20
00:00:58,558 --> 00:01:00,617
...running across fields...
21
00:01:00,794 --> 00:01:04,230
...through rivers,
running, running and more running.
22
00:01:04,431 --> 00:01:07,958
How did I get into shape
for all this running, you ask?
23
00:01:08,134 --> 00:01:10,659
The answer is this:
24
00:01:11,371 --> 00:01:13,896
The Mohican Master 2000.
25
00:01:14,407 --> 00:01:18,673
When I want a light warm-up,
I set the Master to "Chased By Bears."
26
00:01:24,851 --> 00:01:26,318
For a challenging workout...
27
00:01:26,486 --> 00:01:29,853
...I move on to "Pursued
by Flesh-Eating Huron Tribesmen."
28
00:01:33,326 --> 00:01:35,021
And for full-on aerobic training...
29
00:01:35,195 --> 00:01:40,258
...I press "Surrounded by Drunken
Yankee Traders With Muskets."
30
00:01:44,637 --> 00:01:49,097
Wow. A workout like that
will sweat off your tribal tattoos.
31
00:01:49,275 --> 00:01:52,039
The Mohicans may have been
last in the race to survive...
32
00:01:52,212 --> 00:01:55,739
...but they were number one
when it came to cross training.
33
00:01:56,049 --> 00:01:58,677
Come on. What are you waiting for?
Get yourself a Master.
34
00:01:58,852 --> 00:02:02,879
It helped put the "I can"
back into this Mohican.
35
00:02:03,156 --> 00:02:06,125
The Mohican Master 2000.
Get yours today.
36
00:02:06,292 --> 00:02:08,726
Warning. If something goes wrong
on the treadmill...
37
00:02:08,895 --> 00:02:15,164
...stay on! Do not get off! I will come.
No matter what occurs, I will fix it.
38
00:02:15,335 --> 00:02:17,860
That's my personal guarantee to you.
39
00:02:18,271 --> 00:02:21,365
And, for a limited time, get a rebate
on Jazzercise With Wolves...
40
00:02:21,541 --> 00:02:23,736
... the step aerobic system
by Kevin Costner.
41
00:02:23,910 --> 00:02:27,073
Okay, feel yourselves
scalping that weight away.
42
00:02:27,247 --> 00:02:29,545
Scalp it off. Scalp it off.
43
00:02:29,716 --> 00:02:32,344
This offer not available in Kentucky.
44
00:03:44,190 --> 00:03:47,091
Hey, welcome back.
And we're here with our guest, Clara.
45
00:03:47,260 --> 00:03:49,251
Very excited to have you here.
How you doing?
46
00:03:49,429 --> 00:03:50,828
- Fine.
- You look great.
47
00:03:50,997 --> 00:03:54,023
That's a very nice tattoo you've got.
You want to show the people?
48
00:03:54,200 --> 00:03:56,691
Look at that beautiful...
We'll get a shot of that later.
49
00:03:56,869 --> 00:03:59,497
By the way, Clara's dad, Flea,
is here also. How you doing?
50
00:03:59,672 --> 00:04:02,505
I'm all right. I'm just
hanging around on Clara's coattails...
51
00:04:02,675 --> 00:04:04,472
...hoping to soak up a little glamour.
52
00:04:04,644 --> 00:04:08,546
I know. Well, just... I think she
kind of carries us all, doesn't she?
53
00:04:08,715 --> 00:04:11,183
She just tries to keep me
in line. She says:
54
00:04:11,351 --> 00:04:14,980
"Papa, whenever you come along
with me on these showbiz things...
55
00:04:15,154 --> 00:04:19,352
...and people just care about fashion
and looking good and social climbing...
56
00:04:19,525 --> 00:04:22,983
...and all this disgusting stuff,
always remember the purity...
57
00:04:23,162 --> 00:04:26,757
...of things like basketball,
John Coltrane, things like that."
58
00:04:26,933 --> 00:04:29,299
- That's words to live by.
- Words to live by.
59
00:04:29,469 --> 00:04:33,565
All right, let's go to this, then.
Look at that tattoo. There it is.
60
00:04:33,740 --> 00:04:37,176
Look at that tattoo.
She's a coy one.
61
00:04:40,713 --> 00:04:44,774
It's Christmas Eve in L.A.,
and New York cop John McClane...
62
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:47,351
... is shopping with his wife.
63
00:04:47,520 --> 00:04:49,886
California.
64
00:04:51,858 --> 00:04:54,554
Everyone on the floor...
65
00:04:57,230 --> 00:04:59,027
Attention, shoppers...
66
00:04:59,532 --> 00:05:02,831
...for the next 10 minutes,
we will have a special offer:
67
00:05:03,002 --> 00:05:06,335
$2 million in Christmas coupons
in exchange for your lives.
68
00:05:08,675 --> 00:05:10,666
What country is this guy from?
69
00:05:12,912 --> 00:05:16,109
They're as brilliant
as they are ruthless.
70
00:05:16,349 --> 00:05:20,308
- I want the Christmas coupons.
- Eat me.
71
00:05:21,954 --> 00:05:24,149
Bon appétit, Mr. Whipple.
72
00:05:29,429 --> 00:05:32,330
- But he's very cunning.
- Find him!
73
00:05:33,232 --> 00:05:34,927
Paper or plastic, you son of a...?
74
00:05:37,170 --> 00:05:39,934
They say lightning can't strike 12 times...
75
00:05:42,108 --> 00:05:46,238
- ... but don't tell him.
- Hey, fellas, gotta eat your greens!
76
00:05:47,714 --> 00:05:49,614
Who the hell is this guy?
77
00:05:49,882 --> 00:05:52,942
Who are you? You're very annoying.
78
00:05:53,152 --> 00:05:56,918
I got news for you, pal:
That's what the people pay to see.
79
00:05:57,857 --> 00:06:00,382
Bruce Willis.
80
00:06:05,198 --> 00:06:08,133
You just destroyed
an entire deli section, mister.
81
00:06:08,301 --> 00:06:10,701
What do you think I'm doing,
comparison shopping?
82
00:06:10,870 --> 00:06:13,430
What does he think he's doing?
83
00:06:14,707 --> 00:06:16,732
His job.
84
00:06:18,544 --> 00:06:20,444
I'm in charge here!
85
00:06:23,416 --> 00:06:26,647
Scum-check, aisle six.
86
00:06:26,919 --> 00:06:29,945
He's alone. He's tired.
87
00:06:30,123 --> 00:06:33,422
The food is rotten!
The bathroom is locked!
88
00:06:37,597 --> 00:06:38,962
He's running out
of one-liners!
89
00:06:39,298 --> 00:06:41,596
Think, damn it, think.
90
00:06:45,738 --> 00:06:48,536
Sorry to pick on you guys.
91
00:06:49,075 --> 00:06:50,838
Yeah.
92
00:06:51,878 --> 00:06:55,405
Your coincidental appearance at every
terrorist attack on Christmas Eve...
93
00:06:55,581 --> 00:06:58,709
...grows tiresome, Mr. Bad Boy!
94
00:07:01,687 --> 00:07:03,678
Shut up!
95
00:07:05,491 --> 00:07:09,120
"Come to the store. We'll go shopping.
We'll get a Christmas turkey."
96
00:07:10,062 --> 00:07:11,620
Die Hard 12.
97
00:07:16,035 --> 00:07:18,128
Die Hungry.
98
00:07:18,571 --> 00:07:21,972
How could the same thing happen
to the same guy so many times?
99
00:07:25,378 --> 00:07:31,248
Bruce Willis. Die Hard 12. Coming
this Christmas to theaters everywhere.
100
00:07:31,951 --> 00:07:34,044
Okay, we're back,
and we're talking with Clara...
101
00:07:34,220 --> 00:07:37,155
...and Clara's dad, Flea,
from the Red Hot Chili Peppers.
102
00:07:37,323 --> 00:07:39,291
- How's it going?
- I'm feeling all right.
103
00:07:39,459 --> 00:07:42,656
I'm thinking about pummeling you
violently in basketball shortly.
104
00:07:42,829 --> 00:07:45,423
You can try. You can try.
We'll see what happens.
105
00:07:45,598 --> 00:07:49,762
They say guys from New York are much
worse than guys from L.A. At basketball.
106
00:07:49,936 --> 00:07:52,962
I was gonna prove that point
and embarrass you on your show.
107
00:07:53,139 --> 00:07:56,506
Well, the tattoo intimidation factor
might, you know, play a part.
108
00:07:56,676 --> 00:07:59,941
Clara, what do you think?
Is your dad a good ballplayer?
109
00:08:00,112 --> 00:08:02,637
- Yeah?
- Am I pretty good?
110
00:08:02,815 --> 00:08:06,046
Clara, who's the best basketball player
in the world?
111
00:08:06,219 --> 00:08:08,551
Who's the best basketball player
in the world?
112
00:08:08,721 --> 00:08:12,680
She's pointing to him. I think
you're a little bit biased, okay?
113
00:08:12,859 --> 00:08:16,226
Because he's your dad. I'm not claiming
to be a great ballplayer.
114
00:08:16,395 --> 00:08:18,022
Why don't we just go to this.
115
00:08:18,197 --> 00:08:21,758
I'm not claiming to be great, either.
I'm good at poking people in the eye...
116
00:08:21,934 --> 00:08:25,370
...tripping, hair pulling, you know,
"Hey, look over there."
117
00:08:25,538 --> 00:08:29,440
Well, I can play that game too,
my friend. Two can play that one.
118
00:08:29,609 --> 00:08:33,545
- How does this work into your game?
- Be gentle with that.
119
00:08:34,213 --> 00:08:37,080
The following is
a paid advertisement.
120
00:08:38,751 --> 00:08:44,485
And now a special message about
the Let Go Clinic with Tony Bobbins.
121
00:08:44,690 --> 00:08:48,649
Hi, my name is David Cassidy,
and I'm about to tell you something...
122
00:08:48,828 --> 00:08:50,625
...that could change your life.
123
00:08:50,796 --> 00:08:54,459
Two years ago, my girlfriend dumped me,
despite the fact that I'm a huge star...
124
00:08:54,634 --> 00:08:57,467
...and still look incredibly young
and handsome.
125
00:08:57,637 --> 00:09:00,367
Anyway, the point is,
I was so shattered emotionally...
126
00:09:00,540 --> 00:09:02,531
...I could hardly carry on
with my life...
127
00:09:02,708 --> 00:09:06,872
...a life of ease and riches.
Then I met Tony Bobbins.
128
00:09:07,046 --> 00:09:10,345
When a girl breaks up with you,
it's like you're an insect or something.
129
00:09:10,516 --> 00:09:13,246
You're a fly,
and she's ripped off your wings.
130
00:09:13,419 --> 00:09:15,182
What we do at the Let Go Clinic...
131
00:09:15,354 --> 00:09:18,380
...is give you the tools you'll need
to grow those wings back...
132
00:09:18,558 --> 00:09:22,392
...teach you to fly again,
so you can buzz around and find her...
133
00:09:22,562 --> 00:09:25,725
...and burn her face
with your noxious saliva.
134
00:09:25,898 --> 00:09:28,162
That's what the Let Go Clinic
is all about.
135
00:09:28,334 --> 00:09:31,497
Tony, what exactly do
the esteem coaches at your center do?
136
00:09:31,671 --> 00:09:34,868
Good question.
You know, after my fifth wife left me...
137
00:09:35,041 --> 00:09:38,010
...I was living in an 8-by-10-foot
studio apartment...
138
00:09:38,177 --> 00:09:42,511
...300 pounds overweight,
chained to the wall, eating dog food.
139
00:09:42,682 --> 00:09:45,515
I'm over 7 feet tall.
That doesn't paint a pretty picture.
140
00:09:45,685 --> 00:09:47,812
I mean, I'd really hit bottom.
Then I thought...
141
00:09:47,987 --> 00:09:51,582
...wouldn't it be great if I could
pay someone to fix my life for me?
142
00:09:51,757 --> 00:09:54,021
- So that's what I've done.
- Really?
143
00:09:54,193 --> 00:09:58,095
First step: We remove you from your
relationship-tainted environment.
144
00:09:58,965 --> 00:10:04,198
Remember when we went to the mall and
I bought you the pink-haired troll doll?
145
00:10:04,370 --> 00:10:06,133
- Oh, my God!
- Code blue! Code blue!
146
00:10:06,305 --> 00:10:08,967
The possum is in the cage.
Repeat, the possum is in the cage.
147
00:10:09,141 --> 00:10:11,041
- We got a live one here.
- No!
148
00:10:11,210 --> 00:10:13,201
- Come on, get the mask on.
- No!
149
00:10:13,379 --> 00:10:15,574
Love letters and cold pizza!
We got a rough one!
150
00:10:15,748 --> 00:10:18,444
I want total lock-down on this!
151
00:10:19,418 --> 00:10:21,943
Second step: We force you to watch
hundreds of hours...
152
00:10:22,121 --> 00:10:24,783
...of the television program
Love, American Style.
153
00:10:24,957 --> 00:10:26,584
Pretty tough medicine.
154
00:10:26,892 --> 00:10:28,951
Step three: Physical therapy.
155
00:10:29,161 --> 00:10:32,722
We get you to associate pain
with your old relationship.
156
00:10:32,898 --> 00:10:34,593
Oh, my God!
157
00:10:34,767 --> 00:10:35,995
This guy is onto something.
158
00:10:37,470 --> 00:10:39,961
Just because I host Studs
does not necessarily mean...
159
00:10:40,139 --> 00:10:43,802
...I'm capable of having my own
mutually fulfilling human relationship.
160
00:10:43,976 --> 00:10:48,106
In fact, I was obsessed for 21 years
with the first girl I ever kissed...
161
00:10:48,280 --> 00:10:50,009
...but through reconditioning me...
162
00:10:50,182 --> 00:10:54,175
...Tony Bobbins has allowed me
to get on with my life.
163
00:10:55,688 --> 00:10:57,246
Tony Bobbins helped me let go...
164
00:10:58,591 --> 00:11:02,288
...so that I could burn my ex-girlfriend
with my noxious saliva. Thanks, Tony.
165
00:11:02,461 --> 00:11:05,328
Okay, now you've associated
my ex-girlfriend with pain...
166
00:11:05,498 --> 00:11:07,363
...so it hurts to even
think about her.
167
00:11:07,533 --> 00:11:09,899
- What next?
- Now's the part I like best.
168
00:11:10,069 --> 00:11:11,798
Here's where the adventure begins.
169
00:11:11,971 --> 00:11:15,532
We get you to use those same
techniques to build yourself up again.
170
00:11:17,443 --> 00:11:18,808
No! No!
171
00:11:20,046 --> 00:11:25,643
- Who wants some cake?
- Oh, yes...
172
00:11:27,319 --> 00:11:30,948
Tony, what would you consider
your personal key to success?
173
00:11:31,123 --> 00:11:34,957
Step four: I hypnotize you
with my teeth, and you pay me money.
174
00:11:35,127 --> 00:11:40,030
- Tony, are you the devil?
- I am not evil. I am not the devil.
175
00:11:44,236 --> 00:11:47,967
None of the people seen interviewed
were paid for their endorsement.
176
00:11:48,140 --> 00:11:50,631
Except Mark DeCarlo,
who cut some sort of a deal.
177
00:11:50,810 --> 00:11:54,473
The other guy and I did it for free,
because we believe in the program...
178
00:11:54,647 --> 00:11:57,241
...and because he called me
in the morning.
179
00:11:57,416 --> 00:12:02,581
I was tired. I wasn't working that week.
Sort of disoriented too. I don't know.
180
00:12:02,755 --> 00:12:04,780
People come up to me
all the time and say:
181
00:12:04,957 --> 00:12:08,017
"How dare you take money from
hundreds of thousands of people...
182
00:12:08,194 --> 00:12:11,129
...and promise to make them happy?"
And I have to laugh...
183
00:12:11,397 --> 00:12:13,524
...because wasn't it worth
taking all that money...
184
00:12:13,699 --> 00:12:18,295
...if I can make just one person happy,
even if that one person is me?
185
00:12:19,271 --> 00:12:20,863
Come on.
What are you waiting for?
186
00:12:21,040 --> 00:12:24,476
Quit crying over her and embrace me.
187
00:12:24,643 --> 00:12:27,510
By the way, I'm not just the founder
of the Let Go Clinic...
188
00:12:27,680 --> 00:12:30,581
...I'm also its first member.
189
00:12:35,221 --> 00:12:38,247
We're with Flea. We're going
to play a friendly game of one-on-one.
190
00:12:38,424 --> 00:12:40,221
- It's gonna be really friendly.
- Friendly.
191
00:12:40,392 --> 00:12:42,826
What I'm gonna
do to you is disgusting.
192
00:12:42,995 --> 00:12:45,759
It's terrifying. It's frightening.
It's really horrific.
193
00:12:45,931 --> 00:12:48,365
It's gonna be worse
than getting dumped by your wife...
194
00:12:48,534 --> 00:12:51,025
...and finding her
with your best friend.
195
00:12:51,203 --> 00:12:53,296
I got an idea.
Why don't we make it interesting?
196
00:12:53,472 --> 00:12:54,837
Let's put a wager on the game.
197
00:12:55,007 --> 00:12:58,875
If I win, the Chili Peppers
have to play on the show live.
198
00:12:59,044 --> 00:13:02,639
All right. If you win, the Red Hot Chili
Peppers play The Ben Stiller Show.
199
00:13:02,815 --> 00:13:06,307
But if I win, which will most
certainly be the case...
200
00:13:06,485 --> 00:13:08,180
...you have to take off your clothes...
201
00:13:08,354 --> 00:13:12,814
...and run naked screaming down
Wilshire Boulevard, undulating wildly.
202
00:13:12,992 --> 00:13:14,459
Okay, all right. That's it.
203
00:13:14,627 --> 00:13:17,255
It'll probably ruin your career,
and you'll marry your cousin.
204
00:13:17,429 --> 00:13:20,227
- Okay, you can take the ball out first.
- Ready?
205
00:13:20,399 --> 00:13:22,731
Total faith in this.
206
00:13:24,837 --> 00:13:26,998
He scores!
207
00:13:27,173 --> 00:13:30,074
Why don't we just go to a film, okay?
We'll be back after this.
208
00:13:30,242 --> 00:13:33,302
I really love your name.
I mean, your name is fabulous.
209
00:13:33,479 --> 00:13:36,380
And you're so beautiful.
I'm glad I met you.
210
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:39,109
- It really makes my night.
- Excuse me.
211
00:13:39,285 --> 00:13:41,276
- You're Herve Villachaize?
- That's right.
212
00:13:41,453 --> 00:13:43,683
- You played Tattoo, right?
- Yeah, right.
213
00:13:43,856 --> 00:13:45,653
- You blow me away.
- Thank you very much.
214
00:13:45,825 --> 00:13:49,352
- What you do, it's really unbelievable.
- I'm glad you like it.
215
00:13:49,528 --> 00:13:53,123
I get what you do. Ringing the bell,
the three-piece suit, Fantasy Island...
216
00:13:53,299 --> 00:13:55,062
...I love it.
- Really kind.
217
00:13:55,234 --> 00:13:57,634
I respect it.
It's got a very special center to it.
218
00:13:57,803 --> 00:13:59,293
- I think it's beautiful.
- Thanks.
219
00:13:59,471 --> 00:14:01,803
- Do me a favor, give me one, huh?
- Give you what?
220
00:14:01,974 --> 00:14:04,101
- We all want to hear it. Just one.
- You mean...?
221
00:14:04,276 --> 00:14:05,800
We want to hear it. Come on.
222
00:14:06,345 --> 00:14:07,972
Come on. Do it.
223
00:14:08,814 --> 00:14:11,476
All right. The plane. The plane.
224
00:14:11,650 --> 00:14:13,845
That's great. That's wonderful.
That's amazing.
225
00:14:14,019 --> 00:14:16,681
All right, now say,
"Welcome to Fantasy Island."
226
00:14:16,856 --> 00:14:19,188
- That's not my line.
- Come on, do it anyway.
227
00:14:19,358 --> 00:14:21,849
- No.
- No. Where are we? Welcome to where?
228
00:14:22,027 --> 00:14:25,554
- You want me to do the whole Fantasy Island?
- No, Herve, where are we?
229
00:14:25,731 --> 00:14:28,222
I don't know where we are.
Welcome to where?
230
00:14:28,400 --> 00:14:31,767
- Welcome to where?
- Welcome to Fantasy Island.
231
00:14:31,937 --> 00:14:35,464
I'm transported. It's like I'm coming off
the boat, they're giving me champagne.
232
00:14:35,641 --> 00:14:39,543
My wife loves you. Has a crush on you.
Do me a favor, come buy her a drink.
233
00:14:39,745 --> 00:14:42,475
- Do what?
- Buy her champagne. It'll blow her away.
234
00:14:42,648 --> 00:14:44,946
- I can't do that.
- No, come on, do it.
235
00:14:45,150 --> 00:14:47,948
- It's not right.
- Herve, do it. Herve, do it for me.
236
00:14:48,120 --> 00:14:50,680
Come on, one drink. Do it.
237
00:14:50,856 --> 00:14:52,551
Herve, do it.
238
00:14:53,392 --> 00:14:55,986
Do it. Come on, do it.
239
00:14:56,161 --> 00:14:58,652
- No, it hurts me.
- Just don't keep scratching.
240
00:14:58,831 --> 00:15:01,561
- It'll never heal.
- I'm not gonna scratch. It'll scab.
241
00:15:01,734 --> 00:15:05,295
- Hi.
- Oh, my God! It's Herve Villachaize!
242
00:15:05,704 --> 00:15:09,367
Well, I was wondering,
can I buy you a glass of champagne?
243
00:15:09,541 --> 00:15:12,203
A glass of champagne!
I am gonna put you in my pocket...
244
00:15:12,378 --> 00:15:14,539
...and march right out of here.
- That's wonderful.
245
00:15:14,713 --> 00:15:18,649
- No, thank you. I'm on Pritikin.
- No, seriously, insist. Come on.
246
00:15:18,817 --> 00:15:20,682
I insist. Have a glass of champagne.
247
00:15:20,853 --> 00:15:23,686
No, thank you, doll.
I'm not drinking this week.
248
00:15:24,123 --> 00:15:27,615
No, seriously, beg her. Do it.
249
00:15:27,793 --> 00:15:30,489
I beg you to have
a glass of champagne with me, please.
250
00:15:31,063 --> 00:15:33,327
I don't know what to say.
251
00:15:33,499 --> 00:15:35,967
- The lady said she didn't want a drink.
- What?
252
00:15:36,135 --> 00:15:39,696
No. Come on, beat it. No, seriously,
get the hell out of here.
253
00:15:39,872 --> 00:15:42,067
Short stuff, you want
a piece of me? Get out.
254
00:15:42,241 --> 00:15:46,439
- You're out of your mind. You're crazy.
- Now, no buts. Hit the road, Jack.
255
00:15:46,612 --> 00:15:48,045
All right.
256
00:15:48,213 --> 00:15:50,374
Thank you, doll.
That was very uncomfortable.
257
00:15:50,549 --> 00:15:52,813
These Hollywood types
think they rule the world.
258
00:15:52,985 --> 00:15:55,545
- I don't know what that's about.
- They hit on me enough.
259
00:15:55,721 --> 00:15:58,417
- That's because you're a lovely lady.
- Oh, Maury.
260
00:15:58,590 --> 00:16:00,558
- Hey, here's to you.
- You're amazing.
261
00:16:00,726 --> 00:16:03,923
No, you're amazing.
262
00:16:04,797 --> 00:16:07,231
It's time once again for
Ask Manson...
263
00:16:07,399 --> 00:16:10,368
... starring America's favorite
answer man, Charles Manson.
264
00:16:10,536 --> 00:16:14,302
Our first letter comes from Ronald Garner
from Syosset, New York, who writes:
265
00:16:14,473 --> 00:16:15,735
Dear Mr. Manson...
266
00:16:15,941 --> 00:16:21,379
... how come the muffler on my 1954
Chevy keeps making a hissing sound?
267
00:16:21,547 --> 00:16:24,516
Hiss. Hiss. Hiss. That's my sound.
That's the sound of me.
268
00:16:24,683 --> 00:16:28,813
I'm out there. I'm inside your muffler.
You don't like it, but that's too late!
269
00:16:28,988 --> 00:16:30,979
I already got inside. I don't shut up.
270
00:16:31,156 --> 00:16:34,853
They try to shut me up,
but I'm a bigmouth, like Martha Raye.
271
00:16:35,027 --> 00:16:37,757
I'm a Bing Crosby fan.
I'm not a Beatle fan.
272
00:16:37,930 --> 00:16:40,797
I got friends out there, they got ice picks.
And they're going...
273
00:16:40,966 --> 00:16:44,026
When you hear me, you'd better...
274
00:16:47,306 --> 00:16:48,933
I'd check your muffler's seal.
275
00:16:49,108 --> 00:16:52,271
Ask Manson was brought to you
by Happy Children's Toys.
276
00:16:54,146 --> 00:16:58,014
See, that's not fair. He's got...
277
00:16:58,183 --> 00:17:00,344
- Out of bounds. Out of bounds.
- All right, I got it.
278
00:17:00,519 --> 00:17:03,386
- All right, Clara, plan B! Plan B!
- You're nothing, Clara.
279
00:17:03,555 --> 00:17:06,718
Clara, get those hands up.
Get those hands up.
280
00:17:08,260 --> 00:17:11,559
Oh, my God. All right, we'll be back
after this. I gotta stop after that.
281
00:17:11,730 --> 00:17:13,755
- We got him.
- I don't like how rough you play.
282
00:17:13,932 --> 00:17:15,627
I got a problem with you.
283
00:17:15,801 --> 00:17:18,634
Clara, I told you, plan B.
284
00:17:18,804 --> 00:17:21,796
I told you, plan B, Clara, not plan B3.
285
00:18:04,516 --> 00:18:07,451
Hey, family, Mommy's home.
286
00:18:08,020 --> 00:18:10,079
Doris, I killed the kids.
287
00:18:11,090 --> 00:18:13,217
Not now, Skank.
The ice cream's melting.
288
00:18:13,392 --> 00:18:16,020
I'm not kidding.
They were driving me nuts.
289
00:18:16,628 --> 00:18:17,686
Oh, no.
290
00:18:18,297 --> 00:18:20,060
Happy anniversary, Mom!
291
00:18:22,234 --> 00:18:24,031
You guys.
292
00:18:24,636 --> 00:18:27,833
Happy 10th anniversary, sweetheart.
293
00:18:28,006 --> 00:18:30,133
Now break out the chips,
and let's party.
294
00:18:30,576 --> 00:18:31,736
I forgot the chips.
295
00:18:32,911 --> 00:18:37,678
You forgot the chips
on our anniversary?!
296
00:18:37,850 --> 00:18:39,647
Skank, it must've slipped my mind.
297
00:18:39,818 --> 00:18:41,342
Why the hell don't you love me?
298
00:18:41,520 --> 00:18:45,320
- Skank, I love everything about you!
- Then love this: I'm leaving!
299
00:18:46,058 --> 00:18:47,423
Dad!
300
00:18:47,593 --> 00:18:48,924
Shut your stinking trap!
301
00:18:52,764 --> 00:18:55,756
- Don't go.
- You're just like your mother!
302
00:19:07,746 --> 00:19:11,614
So how does this work, girls?
Do I pay you now or in two minutes?
303
00:19:13,385 --> 00:19:18,482
- Skank, you're home?
- Hello, Doris. How are the kids?
304
00:19:18,657 --> 00:19:20,852
Who's this, sweetie, your sister?
305
00:19:21,426 --> 00:19:23,417
I'll tell you who I am, lady.
306
00:19:23,595 --> 00:19:26,029
I am this man's wife,
and when I said...
307
00:19:26,198 --> 00:19:31,431
..."till death do us part"
10 years ago, I meant it.
308
00:19:34,439 --> 00:19:36,430
Skank, can you ever forgive me?
309
00:19:37,676 --> 00:19:39,234
You bet, sweetie.
310
00:19:39,411 --> 00:19:42,107
Now let's get your cute
little heinie up to the bedroom...
311
00:19:42,281 --> 00:19:45,580
...before I bite it off
and spit it up there!
312
00:19:46,218 --> 00:19:49,381
Sorry, girls. I won't be
cheating on my wife today.
313
00:19:54,193 --> 00:19:56,753
Doris, if there's one thing I learned...
314
00:19:56,929 --> 00:20:00,421
...it's that sex is so much better
when it's free.
315
00:20:00,599 --> 00:20:03,193
With the one you love, of course.
316
00:20:03,569 --> 00:20:05,628
I should just shut my stinking trap.
317
00:20:05,804 --> 00:20:09,205
Why don't you just
let me shut it for you.
318
00:20:11,143 --> 00:20:12,872
Yeah.
319
00:20:38,103 --> 00:20:41,698
The Ben Stiller Show is brought to you
by Tony Bobbins and the Let Go Clinic.
320
00:20:41,873 --> 00:20:43,966
And now another word from Tony.
321
00:20:44,142 --> 00:20:47,077
You know, when I was 13, my first
girlfriend broke up with me...
322
00:20:47,246 --> 00:20:48,611
...and I was devastated.
323
00:20:48,780 --> 00:20:54,582
I put on 75 pounds in two days, and
I jumped from 6' 1 "to 7'2" within a week.
324
00:20:54,753 --> 00:20:58,450
I was a freak. No one would talk to me.
My parents didn't even want to see me.
325
00:20:58,624 --> 00:21:00,558
And I realized that
I'd have to turn within...
326
00:21:00,726 --> 00:21:03,422
...to gain any control
that I would have in my life.
327
00:21:03,595 --> 00:21:06,257
Now I'm a giant
both on the inside and outside...
328
00:21:06,431 --> 00:21:09,525
...though not technically a giant.
And now I will rule the world.
329
00:21:09,701 --> 00:21:14,536
I am king, and I will hypnotize you.
Look at my teeth. They rule you.
330
00:21:14,706 --> 00:21:17,766
And now back to The Ben Stiller Show.
331
00:21:18,610 --> 00:21:22,546
All right, Flea, come on. All right.
332
00:21:22,714 --> 00:21:27,811
All right, so we're here. It's 10-6.
Flea's winning by a couple points.
333
00:21:27,986 --> 00:21:31,285
All right, go. Come on.
Give me everything you got, man.
334
00:21:31,690 --> 00:21:34,488
I'm ready. I'm ready.
335
00:21:35,394 --> 00:21:38,363
I didn't even block you
on that one, man.
336
00:21:38,530 --> 00:21:40,498
Come on. Come here.
337
00:21:40,666 --> 00:21:42,725
It's a steal!
338
00:21:46,171 --> 00:21:47,900
All right, there you go.
There's game.
339
00:21:48,073 --> 00:21:49,335
- Okay.
- Nice job, Flea.
340
00:21:49,508 --> 00:21:51,305
- Nice game, and I'm sorry.
- It was great.
341
00:21:51,476 --> 00:21:53,068
Ben has to get naked.
342
00:21:53,245 --> 00:21:55,475
I'm very sorry that you have
to go through with this.
343
00:21:55,647 --> 00:21:57,239
Go through with what?
344
00:21:57,416 --> 00:21:59,577
- Let's talk about this.
- What are we talking about?
345
00:21:59,751 --> 00:22:02,481
- Talk about what?
- You have to take off all your clothes...
346
00:22:02,654 --> 00:22:05,020
...and display yourself
on Wilshire Boulevard.
347
00:22:05,190 --> 00:22:06,885
No, that's what you do.
I don't do that.
348
00:22:07,059 --> 00:22:09,755
- I do a little comedy show.
- You're gonna have to do it.
349
00:22:09,828 --> 00:22:11,386
- See you next week.
- I don't do that.
350
00:22:11,563 --> 00:22:14,430
How can you look me in the eye
and go back on the bet?
351
00:22:14,599 --> 00:22:19,502
I'm not... I gotta go.
I'll see you though. Thank you.
352
00:22:19,671 --> 00:22:23,163
- Okay.
- You know, laughing leads to crying.
353
00:22:23,709 --> 00:22:28,806
Step four: I hypnotize you
with my teeth, and you send me mo...
354
00:22:41,126 --> 00:22:44,186
Keep your knives sharp.
355
00:22:46,064 --> 00:22:48,123
No. No. No.
356
00:22:48,300 --> 00:22:50,495
No. No. No.
357
00:22:50,669 --> 00:22:53,638
No. Cut.
358
00:22:57,542 --> 00:22:58,531
[ENGLISH]
359
00:22:58,581 --> 00:23:03,131
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