Original subtitles

How you doing? Welcome to the show.

I'm Ben Stiller. We're in downtown L.A.

I'm very excited because my friend Rob Morrow...

...star of Northern Exposure, will be here.

It'll be great. We haven't seen each other for a while. We go back to New York days.

It's gonna be fun. So I'll see you right after this.

Hey, kids, it's time for Counting With Bruce Springsteen!

All right!

What did I get up to?

We're back, and I'm excited because Rob Morrow's gonna be here.

- Rob Morrow? That is so cool. I love him! - He's great. He's an old friend of mine.

That is the coolest show. Ever watch it?

No, I've seen parts of it. I know it's got a great reputation but I've never seen...

It's really good. It's really good.

- You auditioned for that, didn't you? - I don't remember. It was such a...

I went on so many auditions as an actor and just...

It would be kind of hard to forget that. It's such a smash hit. A great show.

Why don't we go to this, and we'll be right back.

- I don't... You know, you go on so many... - It's too bad you didn't get that.

I don't know if I auditioned for it. It was...

Whatever.

I hate waking up.

- Hey, guys, how do you want your coffee? - Rare!

Thought so.

Whoa. It's Mr. Adult, our manager.

Boys, I have to tell you, this is the worst-Iooking apartment in Seattle.

It's like a freaking war zone.

Pearl Jam, 12 o'clock high!

We like it this way.

I don't give a fig how you live, but you guys better play great tonight.

- Why should we? - I'll tell you why. A talent scout...

...from Pretentious Artists Records will be here. I have guaranteed him...

...that The Grungies are Seattle's hottest band.

I hate to inform you, Mr. Adult, but we smashed our instruments...

...at last night's Annual Seattle Grunge-Off Concert.

What!? I don't care what you do. Get some new instruments.

And none of those on-stage antics tonight.

If you take one more stage dive and blow this record deal...

...I will whip the very life out of you.

- I hate that guy. - Yeah, but what'll we do?

- I don't know. - Hey! Let's ask Tork.

Tork, what are we gonna do?

I've got an idea. Let's ask my friend Goo if we can borrow her band's instruments.

- Goo? - Yeah, like in goo-goo, ga-ga.

Goo-goo, ga-ga.

Hey, girls.

Check out who's here.

It's the last-place losers of the Seattle Grunge-Off.

- What do you think they want? - Maybe borrow our instruments?

Can we borrow your instruments?

- Goo, you must be psychic. - You guys can just forget it.

There's no way...

Okay.

You can borrow them for one night.

But if you smash them...

...I'll kick each and every one of your butts.

We're here with Rob Morrow. Rob, thanks for coming on the show.

It's been a while. I haven't seen you for...

It has. A couple... Do you know where I saw you?

The last time I saw you was when I was auditioning for Joel...

...and I believe you auditioned for Joel for Northern Exposure.

- That's right. I forgot about that. - I'll never forget because...

You went in right before me. I thought, I got 15 minutes, I'm gonna get this part.

I was gonna memorize the lines. It must have been maybe...

...like 15 seconds, and you came walking out. It was...

- Yes, it was. We just... - I'm sure you did a good job.

They wanted to go a whole different physical type.

I know. It was Jewish guy from New York, dark-haired...

...and you're definitely not that. - No.

- Why don't we go to this. - But it's good.

- You've got your own show. - This worked out great. I'm really glad...

...I didn't get it. - Yeah.

It's time for Stiller's Wheel of Filler!

Where the wheel stops, that's where the comedy goes.

Jewish Fly Guys!

You know...

...this old house has been in our family for generations...

...for about as long as we've been serving Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal...

...with every breakfast.

I live here all alone now.

Just like my uncle Ray before me.

They say that he used to like to wait until it was really...

...late at night.

Then he'd slip into a pink taffeta gown...

...and fill his panties with piping-hot...

...Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.

Then he'd dance around the back yard, stare into the neighbor's windows...

...and tell filthy stories to their animals.

They say on a moonlit night you can still see him out there dancing.

Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.

It's a delicious way to eat and a nutritious way to live.

Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal. Available at fine stores everywhere.

Cut.

This stuff is hard!

It's hard as a rock! It's harder than Chinese arithmetic!

I'm supposed to sit and eat this all day? I'll be in my trailer!

Somebody get the producer on the phone!

We're back with Rob and Janeane, talking about the old days.

- I miss those, man. We hung out a lot. - Yeah.

There was Diane and you and Lisa.

You should see... Ben and Lisa are like...

They're soul mates. You know what was funny? She never said she'd come to L.A.

Right. We broke up. We broke up.

But it's good. I needed some space, and I'm really happy about it.

- She's dating Stephen Baldwin now, right? - Get out of here! I love Stephen Baldwin!

Crossing the Bridge. This guy... All those guys. There's Alec...

...and Billy and Danny. This is a talented...

You don't look alike. You can't compare.

I'm telling you, it's good. I'm happy they're dating.

- He's in movies, you're on a TV show. - Right. There's no...

- I'm very happy for her. - You got a much heavier beard.

- Right. - Yeah.

I'm really... Yes, it's good. I'm totally well-adjusted and happy about it.

Hi. Uh...

Today...

...my girlfriend left me for...

...Stephen...

...stupid-head Baldwin, and...

So I'm recording this because I know that sometime in the future...

...I'm gonna laugh at how depressed I was.

I know that somewhere right now, in the future, I'm watching this...

...with my future wife and...

...baby, and...

Hey. Hi, hey there, me.

Hi, baby Stiller. How you doing, huh?

Look at Daddy. He's pretty silly, huh?

Hey. Got your nose.

So...

...I'll record again in a couple weeks, because I know I'll be laughing.

It's gonna be funny.

Stephen Baldwin! What the...? I don't...

Stephen-stupid-Baldwin!

I think I'm gonna be able to laugh soon.

I'm Stephen Baldwin. Who are you? Stephen-stupid-Baldwin.

How could...? Stephen Baldwin!

Stephen Baldwin?

I feel a lot better today because I realized we're all going to die.

And she's no exception.

I got a date tonight with a very gorgeous girl.

Don't wait up for me, if you know what I mean. Ben Stiller is back.

Tonight on Arsenio, the A-man welcomes sexy heartthrob Stephen Baldwin...

... in a rare and candid interview that...

Hey, look out!

Wow. Sorry, I didn't mean to bring it up. Clearly it's... I'm sorry, buddy.

No, no, no, it's okay.

It's behind you, obviously. You're the star of your own TV show.

You're the last guy I'd worry about.

- I didn't mean to bring it up. - It's fine.

They must be flocking at your door.

A lot of girls who I could... There are a lot of prospects out there.

Nobody specific, but I don't wanna tie myself down.

Show me something else. Let me see something else.

Sure, sure. Okay. Yeah, let's go to another piece.

Women. Buildings.

Sometimes they are the same thing.

I am never alone. Wherever I go in the city...

... I am surrounded by buildings.

Wherever I see buildings...

... there I see my women.

Ah, the museum! The museum reminds me of Cheryl.

Cheryl loved the paintings of sad clowns.

The kind a child could do. It's funny. She was a masterpiece herself.

Yes.

The observatory! So many evenings Janet and I would walk along its deck.

Until one night I played a little joke on her and pushed her over the edge.

I am the devil himself!

The post office. I can't help thinking of Vivian.

For she, too, had a line of customers backed up into the street.

And she works there. Hello, Vivian! Hello.

Laurie, Susan. Yes, Claire.

Oh, yes. This apartment building. It reminds me of Frank.

I was so drunk that night. Hello, Frank.

I am not ashamed. Such is life, yes?

The mall, so many shops.

So many women I remember. Quickly, get me away before my brain explodes!

I must leave the city. Every tree reminds me of a woman!

The Grungies is brought to you by Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.

Look at this stuff. Sugar. Dye. Junk.

All the science in the world won't help against 100% natural goodness.

The people at Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal...

...they use only all-natural ingredients. Whole grains, raisins...

...tender young oat buds.

The little oat buds, they say, "No, don't take me! I'm so tender!"

But they do! They take them and put them right in their hands.

And then the oat buds go, "No! No!"

"Yes! We're taking you because you're tender.

We're gonna take you and crush you. Crush you 'cause you're dirty!

You're dirty and you need to be punished!"

Grady's Oats Instant Oatmeal.

A delicious way to eat...

...and a nutritious way to live.

"You yelled at me!" "Shut up!

I said, shut up!"

Last time on The Grungies:

A talent scout from Pretentious Artists Records is gonna be here.

I hate to inform you, Mr. Adult, but we smashed our instruments...

...at last night's Annual Seattle Grunge-Off Concert.

Can we borrow your instruments?

And now the conclusion of: "Can We Borrow Your Instruments?"

Hey, guys. I want you to meet Josh Goldsilver, Pretentious Artists.

Hey, I'm a big fan, guys. Love you to pieces.

I am hip to the whole Seattle coffeehouse, slam-dancing, stage-diving shemegegge.

What's this guy talking about?

Let me put it more simply.

Fifty big ones in advance.

Oh, we get it.

We'll be great tonight, Mr. Silvergold, sir.

Goldsilver.

You're beautiful, guys. Don't ever change.

You hear that? Don't forget what I told you about being on your best behavior.

No smashing. No diving. No slamming.

Hi-ho, everybody. And welcome to Seattle's very own Club Panties.

Right now I'd like to bring on my meal ticket for the next century.

Get ready, get set for The Grungies!

Sorry, Josh. I told those good-for-nothing...

Hey. Hey. What? Forget it. The Grungies got that hot-as-ice...

...spontaneous, what-rock-ought-to-be flavor.

I eat them up, dig?

They get the record deal.

What did I tell you? They're the best.

Say, where's the 50,000?

I thought you had it.

- I thought you had it. - I thought you had it.

Tork.

$50,000 worth of Chinese food?

Tork, you know you're just gonna be hungry again in an hour.

Hey, we're here with Rob. We gotta work together again.

- Yeah, we do. - I'd love to do something on your show.

I was thinking, maybe I could come up and be the doctor who replaces you one week.

Yeah, but you know my only reservation would be...

I would be into it, but audiences are very fickle. You can't confuse them.

- We obviously... You were up for the part. - Right.

And you were... My other fear is, I go to bat for you...

- You were nervous. I don't want to... - Nervous?

Here you can do... Obviously, it's your show. There's no script.

- You can do what you want. - Right.

But we have a tight script, it's a real structured show.

And you can't... What if you get nervous?

It was not a good day for me.

- I got it. Wait a minute. No, I'm sorry. - What?

We're doing this huge parade scene, and I saw them audition these guys.

They had these great kabuki masks. Giant, I mean.

They cover your whole body almost. And you could do that.

And it'd be this great little trivia thing, you know.

Like Ryan O'Neal and The Graduate.

- I like that. - A kabuki...

- You don't see your face at all? - Yeah. Let me... I'm gonna go...

Let me just... I need a little time by myself. Just hang out.

Okay. This kabuki...

We'll be right back.

- What? - Just like this.

- Like that? - Yeah.

All right. That's about it. I want to thank Rob Morrow for coming on the show.

- Really great job. - My pleasure.

Anytime you want me to come on your show, return the favor...

...it would be my pleasure. I think it would be fun.

- Okay, Ben. - Really. I got great ideas for characters.

I didn't realize this was like this quid pro quo thing.

- No, no. I'm just saying, do you a favor. - Yeah. I did you a favor.

- I mean, I don't mean to... I'm sorry. - Okay.

No. I thought it would be cool. I could be that crazy Adam character that cooks.

I could be his assistant, Alan.

"Hey, I'm Alan. I've got some extra eggs for you."

There's a whole corporate structure and legalities.

Please, don't even tell me these ideas.

All right. I was thinking, just between you and me...

You keep thinking, Ben, but go through the channels, you know.

- I can't listen to it. - One idea though.

- Okay, Ben. - The astronaut guy...

Thanks. Good luck. No. It's a good show.

Rob, you don't have to get freaked-out about it. I'm just...

He's got to... I guess...

Thank you again.

He can't hear anything.

He's holding his ears closed.

He's scared.

[ENGLISH]

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