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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:02,235 --> 00:00:04,533 Welcome to the show. I'm Ben Stiller. 2 00:00:04,704 --> 00:00:09,334 This week we're coming to you from hip, trendy Melrose Avenue... 3 00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:11,238 ...the inspiration for Melrose Place. 4 00:00:11,411 --> 00:00:14,938 Fox has decided they want all their shows to come from Melrose. 5 00:00:15,115 --> 00:00:17,743 They want The Simpsons taking place on Melrose Avenue... 6 00:00:17,917 --> 00:00:23,822 ...COPS to be all on Melrose and Living Color will be Melrose Living Color. 7 00:00:23,990 --> 00:00:25,958 Watch this, and we'll be right back. 8 00:00:26,493 --> 00:00:28,484 This week on Skank... 9 00:00:28,661 --> 00:00:32,188 I love bacon. Burn, pig, burn! 10 00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,424 Don't get too close to that hot grease. 11 00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:37,729 Honey, shut your stinking... My eyes! 12 00:00:37,937 --> 00:00:39,598 - I see nothing! - Skank! 13 00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:42,970 Everything is turned topsy-turvy when Skank goes blind. 14 00:00:43,176 --> 00:00:45,940 It's out of the frying pan and into the laughter... 15 00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:48,637 ... when the whole family has some eggshell-walking to do. 16 00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:51,951 Hey, Dad, have you seen my sunglasses? 17 00:00:56,923 --> 00:00:59,221 Mom, get him off me! 18 00:00:59,426 --> 00:01:01,326 And Skank starts to lose touch: 19 00:01:01,494 --> 00:01:07,865 Honey, refresh my memory. What color are sneezes? 20 00:01:08,034 --> 00:01:12,164 So Doris comes up with a crazy scheme to cheer Skank up. 21 00:01:12,372 --> 00:01:15,432 Honey, guess who's here. It's Todd Bridges. 22 00:01:15,608 --> 00:01:18,133 Hey, Skank. I heard you used to watch me on TV. 23 00:01:18,344 --> 00:01:20,369 Yeah. Watch TV. 24 00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:23,015 V. Vision. Television. 25 00:01:23,216 --> 00:01:24,774 I'm blind, you idiot! 26 00:01:26,886 --> 00:01:29,150 And then it's Todd to the toe-tapping rescue. 27 00:01:29,355 --> 00:01:33,155 Honey, you keep him busy while I call the cops. 28 00:01:33,326 --> 00:01:36,090 Kick off your shoes, because this sock's on Fox! 29 00:01:36,262 --> 00:01:40,198 Honey, I can't see your stinking trap, but I know it ain't shut! 30 00:01:40,366 --> 00:01:42,391 Skank. 31 00:03:02,448 --> 00:03:05,576 We get these calls at Red Sea Beach about six or seven times a week. 32 00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:08,414 Some religious fanatics claiming they're the chosen people... 33 00:03:10,156 --> 00:03:12,556 ...attempting to defy the laws of nature in some way. 34 00:03:12,725 --> 00:03:15,660 It's too bad. This used to be a good neighborhood. 35 00:03:15,828 --> 00:03:18,661 - Jeez, there's the nutjob! - All right, let's go, Johnny! 36 00:03:23,903 --> 00:03:27,236 Behold the hand of God! 37 00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:30,865 Let the waters part for the children of Israel! 38 00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:33,945 - Yo! Show's over! - Hey. Maestro, over here. 39 00:03:34,113 --> 00:03:35,671 - Come over here. - Get over here. 40 00:03:35,848 --> 00:03:38,749 - What do you want from me? - Come here. 41 00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:40,442 All right, what's going on here? 42 00:03:40,620 --> 00:03:44,056 - I am parting the Red Sea. - You got a permit for that? 43 00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:46,283 - Yes. - Then cough it up. 44 00:03:46,459 --> 00:03:50,395 - Got a permit? - I mean, no. The Lord has it. 45 00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:53,088 - He has commanded it. - Yeah, right. 46 00:03:53,299 --> 00:03:56,996 Yes or no? You're trying to part the sea. We saw you. 47 00:03:57,170 --> 00:04:00,139 Yes and no. The answer is yes and no. 48 00:04:00,306 --> 00:04:01,796 Listen to me. Come here. 49 00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:05,411 Hey, you got about 40,000 people on the other side of that ridge, right? 50 00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:08,138 You saying you're responsible for each one of them? 51 00:04:08,314 --> 00:04:12,614 Because someone so much as litters, I gotta take you in. 52 00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:15,351 Hey, look what I found. You believe this guy? 53 00:04:15,521 --> 00:04:16,920 What are these about? 54 00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:20,218 In the name of the Lord, leave those alone. 55 00:04:21,728 --> 00:04:24,390 - Hey, we got a burning bush over here! - Run, Sarah! 56 00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:26,429 Where you going? Get back here! 57 00:04:26,633 --> 00:04:28,498 Listen. I'm gonna give you one more shot. 58 00:04:28,668 --> 00:04:32,195 Take these people, turn them around, take them back where you came from. 59 00:04:32,372 --> 00:04:34,033 I implore you to heed me. 60 00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:38,234 The blood of the Hebrews will make no more mortar for the Egyptians. 61 00:04:38,411 --> 00:04:40,777 Hey, Pops, listen to me. I don't care about that. 62 00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:43,177 All I'm saying is, you can't be here right now. 63 00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:44,714 - You can't be here. - But... 64 00:04:44,884 --> 00:04:49,412 No buts. That's it. You gotta take it, move it out, okay? 65 00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:51,453 Hold it in the name of Ramses! 66 00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:53,990 Run, Sarah. Don't listen to him. 67 00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,355 - Why you running? - We worship the golden calf. 68 00:04:56,529 --> 00:05:00,090 Not your buddy parting the water back there? Where'd you get the calf? 69 00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,324 - Found it. - Made it. 70 00:05:01,501 --> 00:05:02,763 Which is it? 71 00:05:02,935 --> 00:05:06,098 We found the materials and made it with... What we found. 72 00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:08,774 Get up the hill! 73 00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,704 I'm too old for this s * *t. Get up the hill. 74 00:05:10,877 --> 00:05:12,504 - Don't beat Sarah! - Get up the hill! 75 00:05:12,679 --> 00:05:15,409 Don't you beat... 76 00:05:15,615 --> 00:05:17,742 You've got to understand where I'm coming from. 77 00:05:17,917 --> 00:05:21,444 I gotta chase you around all day. You think I like that? 78 00:05:21,621 --> 00:05:25,148 I'm warning you. Do not anger the Lord, our God. 79 00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,418 Let me tell you something. Your pal here says... 80 00:05:27,593 --> 00:05:31,051 ...you've been drinking while prophesizing. That's a felony, my friend. 81 00:05:31,264 --> 00:05:34,495 - That's right, Popeye. - You have been warned! 82 00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:39,331 So have you. I'm taking you in. Let's go build some pyramids, buddy. 83 00:05:40,606 --> 00:05:42,540 What the...? Holy mother of... 84 00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:46,543 Who will be next to feel the Lord's wrath? 85 00:05:46,713 --> 00:05:51,707 He must be the chosen one. The Lord speaks through Moses! 86 00:05:52,051 --> 00:05:54,417 This guy, he's obviously hopped up on something... 87 00:05:54,587 --> 00:05:57,818 ...so I'm gonna go messenger for backup. 88 00:05:57,990 --> 00:06:03,587 We'll get him locked up, but in 48 hours, he'll be out here doing the same thing. 89 00:06:03,763 --> 00:06:05,822 That was my partner, so... 90 00:06:05,998 --> 00:06:07,898 But, you know, it's part of the business. 91 00:06:08,067 --> 00:06:10,433 I'm getting the f* *k out of here. 92 00:06:14,073 --> 00:06:17,565 Welcome back. We're hanging out here on Melrose with my friend Bob Odenkirk. 93 00:06:17,744 --> 00:06:21,874 - Hi. This is a cool place. Very hip. - Yeah, definitely hip. 94 00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:25,779 Most of the people who walk down the street are probably fans of your show. 95 00:06:25,952 --> 00:06:27,010 I don't know... 96 00:06:27,186 --> 00:06:29,677 Seriously, because the show is hip too. And cool. 97 00:06:29,856 --> 00:06:32,882 This would be a good chance to talk to your audience... 98 00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:35,892 ...and find out what they like and don't like about the show... 99 00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:40,089 ...and detail it to their wishes. - Yeah, maybe sometime... 100 00:06:40,266 --> 00:06:42,791 - And there's some ladies here too... - No. Bob... 101 00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:45,995 - Hi. I'm Bob Odenkirk. Hi. - Hi. 102 00:06:46,172 --> 00:06:48,333 This gentleman would like to ask you a question. 103 00:06:48,508 --> 00:06:51,102 - No, I don't want to ask... - Come on, don't be shy. 104 00:06:51,277 --> 00:06:53,837 Have you seen The Ben Stiller Show? I was wondering... 105 00:06:54,013 --> 00:06:55,139 - Who? - What is that? 106 00:06:55,314 --> 00:06:58,477 - It's a comedy show on Fox. - Ben who? 107 00:06:58,651 --> 00:07:01,848 Forget it. Not a good idea. Let's just watch another Fox show, okay? 108 00:07:02,021 --> 00:07:06,014 - They obviously haven't seen our show. - Ask them about books they read. 109 00:07:06,192 --> 00:07:08,285 Come on, I just want to talk to some women. 110 00:07:08,461 --> 00:07:11,897 Exactly. You just want... Go ahead. You don't need me for that. 111 00:07:12,064 --> 00:07:14,555 Do you watch any TV? 112 00:07:14,734 --> 00:07:15,758 - All the time. - Really? 113 00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:17,459 - Yeah. - What do you like? 114 00:07:18,337 --> 00:07:21,704 And now, Ben Stiller's Music News with Tabitha Soren. 115 00:07:21,908 --> 00:07:24,035 This is a special music video update. 116 00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:28,442 The censorship battle over rap star Ice Man McGee's latest release is heating up. 117 00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:30,912 A Los Angeles man by the name of Doug Szathkey... 118 00:07:31,083 --> 00:07:35,144 ...is protesting Ice Man's new hit single, "Kill Doug Szathkey." 119 00:07:35,321 --> 00:07:38,222 Mr. Szathkey, who happens to be Ice Man's neighbor... 120 00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:41,053 ...claims the lyrics are disturbing and potentially dangerous... 121 00:07:41,227 --> 00:07:44,287 ...and called for a nationwide boycott of the album. 122 00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:47,365 We have received a special advance copy of the video. 123 00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:49,262 You decide. 124 00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:40,445 Mr. Szathkey granted us an exclusive interview at his home in Los Angeles. 125 00:08:44,156 --> 00:08:45,214 What did I do? 126 00:08:45,391 --> 00:08:48,019 I mean, I know he has the right to say anything... 127 00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:50,594 ...but I'm gonna get killed here. 128 00:08:50,763 --> 00:08:54,290 I gotta move. This is not a good place. You should get out too. 129 00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:57,436 Oh, God! He's got a gun! Oh, God! 130 00:08:57,603 --> 00:08:59,332 Oh, no! 131 00:09:02,975 --> 00:09:06,206 Leave me alone! 132 00:09:10,149 --> 00:09:13,641 Ice Man McGee held a press conference to respond to the charges. 133 00:09:15,021 --> 00:09:18,320 It's like I'm saying. It's just censorship, straight up. 134 00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:22,552 I would like to make it clear that when I said, "Kill Doug Szathkey"... 135 00:09:22,728 --> 00:09:27,665 ...I was using street terminology to describe a situation from my life. 136 00:09:27,833 --> 00:09:32,395 When you misinterpret my words, all y'all dis me, you dis my fans... 137 00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:36,804 ...and you dis the United States Constitution. And that's the real crime. 138 00:09:36,976 --> 00:09:39,501 Peace. We out of here. 139 00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:43,211 The record company has agreed to release the album... 140 00:09:43,382 --> 00:09:45,009 ...with the following warning label: 141 00:09:45,184 --> 00:09:48,711 "Warning: Manufacturer does not condone the killing, or in any way harming... 142 00:09:48,888 --> 00:09:53,951 ...of Doug Szathkey, but instead wishes Doug a long, healthy and fulfilling life." 143 00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:56,924 This has been a music video update brought to you by: 144 00:09:57,096 --> 00:10:00,463 Yummy Gummy Auto Parts, the auto-part-shaped chewy candy... 145 00:10:00,633 --> 00:10:03,261 ...with a burst of real fruit juice. 146 00:10:05,671 --> 00:10:07,298 It's really good sparkling water. 147 00:10:07,473 --> 00:10:10,965 We're here at one of the hip Melrose Avenue restaurants having a good time... 148 00:10:11,143 --> 00:10:13,634 - You ready to order? - Yeah. Andy? 149 00:10:13,813 --> 00:10:17,681 You know what sounds good is the Tyne Daly veggie kabob. 150 00:10:17,850 --> 00:10:21,308 - Good. Janeane? - I'll have the Adam West Cajun bites. 151 00:10:21,487 --> 00:10:24,012 I'm going to have the Gary Coleman gazpacho. 152 00:10:24,190 --> 00:10:27,216 I'm not hungry. I'm just gonna have more Ice-T ice tea. 153 00:10:27,393 --> 00:10:29,486 - That's good, that's good. - Great. 154 00:10:29,662 --> 00:10:32,096 Good meal coming up. We'll be right back. 155 00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,894 - Yeah. - Know what I mean? 156 00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:40,698 - But I don't like filming on this street. - It's Melrose... 157 00:10:40,873 --> 00:10:44,309 - Creeps me out. These people are freaks. - They want us to be hip. 158 00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:48,573 They have brass rings in places where you should not poke holes. 159 00:10:48,748 --> 00:10:50,716 - Well, Andy... - I'm always watching my back. 160 00:10:50,883 --> 00:10:54,819 It's very, very scary. People are walking like this: 161 00:10:54,987 --> 00:10:57,285 - You know, like robots. - Calm down, all right? 162 00:10:57,456 --> 00:10:58,548 I'm freaked out. 163 00:10:58,724 --> 00:11:01,852 Nothing to be frightened of. There are worse things to be scared of. 164 00:11:02,028 --> 00:11:03,495 - Let's walk faster. - Okay. 165 00:11:03,763 --> 00:11:07,494 You're looking at late-night shock jock Damien Faustman... 166 00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:12,661 ... a man who hates his listeners almost as much as he hates himself. 167 00:11:12,838 --> 00:11:17,400 Tonight he'll learn that it doesn't take a lot of expensive special effects... 168 00:11:17,576 --> 00:11:22,036 ... or an original story line to come face to face with his worst nightmare: 169 00:11:22,214 --> 00:11:23,977 His soul. 170 00:11:24,150 --> 00:11:28,086 On Low Budget Tales of Clichéd Horror. 171 00:11:30,156 --> 00:11:33,819 It's 2: 15 a.m., Tri-City area, and it's time for the man you love to hate. 172 00:11:33,993 --> 00:11:36,120 He's taking your calls and he's mad as hell. 173 00:11:36,295 --> 00:11:41,028 At 666-DVIL, it's Damien Faustman. 174 00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:44,802 It's 2:15, and I'm Damien Faustman. 175 00:11:44,970 --> 00:11:47,768 What are you doing awake? I hate you all. 176 00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:51,300 Almost as much as I hate myself. 177 00:11:52,078 --> 00:11:55,775 - Line one. - I just wanna say I love your show... 178 00:11:55,948 --> 00:11:58,143 Shut up. I hate you. 179 00:11:58,317 --> 00:12:00,945 - Line two. - What's your problem, Faustman? 180 00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,385 What did you do, sell your soul to the devil or something? 181 00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,787 - Line three. - Damien, I'm 16... 182 00:12:06,959 --> 00:12:09,427 ... and I'm feeling really depressed and confused... 183 00:12:09,595 --> 00:12:13,122 Go kill yourself. Don't waste my time. Don't worry. No one will miss you. 184 00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:18,230 Okay, we'll be back with more of your miserable calls right after this. 185 00:12:21,373 --> 00:12:22,772 I gotta quit these things. 186 00:12:33,986 --> 00:12:38,047 Jeez, it's hot in here. Damn air conditioning. 187 00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:41,624 Faustman! It's time. 188 00:12:43,062 --> 00:12:44,324 Who said that? 189 00:12:46,065 --> 00:12:48,295 Crazy kids. 190 00:12:50,236 --> 00:12:53,069 All right, we're back, and you're still calling. How pathetic. 191 00:12:53,639 --> 00:12:57,632 - Line six. - How hot do you think it is in hell? 192 00:12:57,810 --> 00:13:00,677 I don't know. Why don't you ask your mother? Line four. 193 00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:03,610 You leave my mother out of this! 194 00:13:03,816 --> 00:13:06,910 You're all alone now, Damien. Feeling warm? 195 00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:10,646 666, what a coincidence. Time is running out. 196 00:13:10,823 --> 00:13:14,782 Look at your friend now. Do I have to come right out and say it? 197 00:13:14,994 --> 00:13:16,393 Those crazy kids! 198 00:13:16,595 --> 00:13:21,726 - Line one. - Damien, this is Angelica. 199 00:13:24,203 --> 00:13:26,967 Didn't you get it when I broke up with you? I hate you! 200 00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:29,107 Almost as much as you hate yourself? 201 00:13:29,775 --> 00:13:33,370 Oh, Damien, I love you. Let's go away. 202 00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:35,776 Like when we went to that cabin in the mountains. 203 00:13:36,081 --> 00:13:40,347 Things can be good again. You've got to believe that they can. 204 00:13:43,923 --> 00:13:45,254 Crank call. 205 00:13:45,424 --> 00:13:48,257 - Line two. - Good one, Faustman. 206 00:13:48,460 --> 00:13:53,124 I never liked the mountains anyway. Too chilly. 207 00:13:53,299 --> 00:13:55,961 Why don't you just show yourself, face to face? 208 00:13:56,135 --> 00:14:00,094 Yes, well, I'd love to. But I think it'll be a lot scarier for you... 209 00:14:00,272 --> 00:14:02,103 ... to imagine what I look like. 210 00:14:02,308 --> 00:14:06,438 There's horns on your poster. I wonder what that means. 211 00:14:06,645 --> 00:14:09,580 Your "On the Air" sign is getting red. Interesting. 212 00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:13,411 Time's still running out, Faustman. It's getting so hot in here. 213 00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:16,453 Here at WDVL. 214 00:14:16,655 --> 00:14:21,024 Get it? Pleased to meet you, won't you guess my name? 215 00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:24,094 - Line one! - Have a little sympathy for me! 216 00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:27,596 - Those crazy kids! I hate them! - As much as you hate yourself? 217 00:14:27,766 --> 00:14:29,961 I will not go with you to hell! 218 00:14:30,135 --> 00:14:31,568 Go with me? 219 00:14:31,737 --> 00:14:36,538 News flash: You're already in hell! 220 00:14:53,025 --> 00:14:58,964 - Welcome to hell, Faustman. - That's it? 221 00:14:59,131 --> 00:15:03,500 - This is it? - Pretty scary, huh? 222 00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:05,694 Yeah. Yeah, I guess. I mean... 223 00:15:05,871 --> 00:15:09,637 What do you mean, "Yeah, I guess"? I've been dropping hints at you... 224 00:15:09,808 --> 00:15:13,835 ... for over an hour now. This is it. Your own personal hell. 225 00:15:14,013 --> 00:15:17,505 I work with what I got. I mean, look at the clock. It's got blood on it. 226 00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:21,346 You don't see that every day. It scares me, and I thought it up. 227 00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:25,149 Yeah, right. Sure. I bet. 228 00:15:25,324 --> 00:15:27,258 Hey, could you stop that, please? 229 00:15:27,426 --> 00:15:32,056 Please, because I'm getting sick, and it's really... It's enough already with that. 230 00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,791 You know, I really... I feel like I should fall into a fiery pit... 231 00:15:35,968 --> 00:15:37,959 ...I should get engulfed by something. 232 00:15:38,137 --> 00:15:42,005 There should be something more... Insects should eat me or something. 233 00:15:42,174 --> 00:15:44,233 I feel this is... 234 00:15:44,710 --> 00:15:47,042 Is it just this? I mean... 235 00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:49,009 I'm not even hot, you know? 236 00:15:49,181 --> 00:15:53,675 Look. We are in a recession. I am on a budget. 237 00:15:53,852 --> 00:15:56,412 Damien Faustman, a man who has just learned... 238 00:15:56,588 --> 00:15:59,580 ... that terror doesn't have to have a high price tag. 239 00:15:59,758 --> 00:16:02,090 Especially when the thing you hate most is your... 240 00:16:02,261 --> 00:16:05,526 Self. I know. I hate myself. I mean, come on. 241 00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:09,691 I think we've beat that one into the ground. This is just... 242 00:16:10,069 --> 00:16:14,199 Anybody got an iced tea or something? I mean... This is not really... 243 00:16:14,373 --> 00:16:16,000 This didn't work out too well. 244 00:16:17,076 --> 00:16:19,909 Now, Janeane, you're the perfect Melrose Avenue resident. 245 00:16:20,079 --> 00:16:21,910 - Thank you. - You got the look happening. 246 00:16:22,081 --> 00:16:24,049 You're very stylish, very hip. 247 00:16:24,216 --> 00:16:26,275 Well, yeah, I've got the clothes and stuff... 248 00:16:26,452 --> 00:16:28,977 ...but I want to say I'm not just completely surface... 249 00:16:29,154 --> 00:16:32,453 ...and I'd like to appeal to the Melrose kids. 250 00:16:32,624 --> 00:16:36,219 Don't just work out these. You gotta work this muscle out too. 251 00:16:36,395 --> 00:16:40,161 Read a book every once in a while. Might give you information you might need. 252 00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:42,527 You did well in school? You were a good student? 253 00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:44,134 - No. Not at all. - No. See? 254 00:16:44,303 --> 00:16:47,932 - Me neither. I just never... - Never cracked a book. 255 00:16:48,107 --> 00:16:51,474 Yeah, that's me. I never cracked a book. That's why I'm doing this. 256 00:16:51,643 --> 00:16:53,736 - Cliffs Notes. - Know what I'm saying? 257 00:16:58,784 --> 00:17:00,012 Where am I? 258 00:17:00,219 --> 00:17:02,619 Why, in the house of General George Washington. 259 00:17:02,788 --> 00:17:05,052 But who are you? And where do you come from? 260 00:17:05,224 --> 00:17:07,886 George Washington? 261 00:17:08,060 --> 00:17:10,085 1776. 262 00:17:10,262 --> 00:17:12,594 Redcoats. Minutemen! 263 00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:14,995 Why, the old professor wasn't crazy after all. 264 00:17:15,167 --> 00:17:16,794 His old time machine really works! 265 00:17:16,969 --> 00:17:19,733 Coming this fall: Meet a new kind of time traveler. 266 00:17:19,905 --> 00:17:22,339 She's just an ordinary citizen like you and me. 267 00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:26,136 If you have indeed traversed time, you'll know every strategy and battle... 268 00:17:26,311 --> 00:17:28,939 ...of the conflict to come. The revolution is won! 269 00:17:29,114 --> 00:17:33,676 Well, sir, actually, all I remember is redcoats, minutemen... 270 00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:35,547 ...and you have wooden teeth. 271 00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:37,848 Well, tell me something I don't know. 272 00:17:38,023 --> 00:17:40,082 Didn't you study American history? 273 00:17:40,259 --> 00:17:44,025 - Yeah, but I wasn't a freak about it. - Well, that's great. That's just great. 274 00:17:44,196 --> 00:17:45,220 Sorry! 275 00:17:45,431 --> 00:17:47,296 B- minus Time Traveler. 276 00:17:47,466 --> 00:17:50,833 With nothing but a B-minus average from an American public school... 277 00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:54,131 ... she plunges through space and time, helping whomever she can... 278 00:17:54,306 --> 00:17:57,139 ... with her vague, sketchy knowledge of American history. 279 00:17:57,309 --> 00:18:00,142 Come on, Stacey, shake those cobwebs loose! 280 00:18:00,345 --> 00:18:05,408 July 7, 1941, a day that will live in infamy. 281 00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:09,611 September 12, 1941, a day that will live in... 282 00:18:09,788 --> 00:18:12,450 Come on, General MacArthur, they both sound right! 283 00:18:12,724 --> 00:18:16,353 How could you forget the date Pearl Harbor was bombed? 284 00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:18,792 Well, it's super easy to cheat in that class... 285 00:18:18,964 --> 00:18:21,194 ...because we had this system rigged... 286 00:18:21,366 --> 00:18:24,335 ...where you would write it on your arm. 287 00:18:24,503 --> 00:18:27,700 She was always the one who asked, "Why do we need to know this stuff?" 288 00:18:27,873 --> 00:18:30,103 Well, now she has her answer. 289 00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:32,971 Look, Mr. Columbus, one of your ships gets lost. 290 00:18:33,145 --> 00:18:36,876 Either the Nina or the Pinta. 291 00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:39,142 I should not have cut Spanish. 292 00:18:43,021 --> 00:18:46,479 Crash-o ship-o bye-bye! 293 00:18:46,692 --> 00:18:50,890 It's an endless pop quiz. And now she wishes she'd done the reading. 294 00:18:51,230 --> 00:18:53,425 Why am I crossing the Delaware? 295 00:18:53,599 --> 00:18:57,194 Am I attacking? Am I retreating? Just give me something here. 296 00:18:57,402 --> 00:19:00,337 Possibly retreating. I don't remember. 297 00:19:00,539 --> 00:19:03,872 Oh, well, that's a great attitude. That really helps me a lot. 298 00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:06,444 Look, I know you got to bring more shoes. 299 00:19:06,612 --> 00:19:09,740 Enough about the shoes. Everything is shoes and teeth with you! 300 00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:11,815 Just give me a fact, a date, something. 301 00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:14,316 Listen to me. When I was studying this in school... 302 00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:16,317 ...I was trying to get my driver's permit... 303 00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:20,288 ...cramming for those stupid SATs... I had a million things on my mind. 304 00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:23,757 For heaven's sake, keep trying. If you can't remember that date... 305 00:19:23,929 --> 00:19:26,193 ...this could be the greatest disaster since... 306 00:19:26,365 --> 00:19:29,664 ...Washington capsized in the Delaware with all those shoes. 307 00:19:31,537 --> 00:19:33,471 B- minus Time Traveler. 308 00:19:33,639 --> 00:19:36,437 She never thought she'd be tested on this. 309 00:19:36,642 --> 00:19:39,941 - Stop yelling at me. - Well, if you're the future, I quit. 310 00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:42,012 I'm out of here. 311 00:19:42,481 --> 00:19:45,006 Arrivederci Records is proud to present... 312 00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:50,247 ... the debut of Mr. Tito Gallegos, the pig Latin lover. 313 00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:04,265 Order this two-record set now... 314 00:20:04,436 --> 00:20:07,633 ... and find out what the rest of the world already knows: 315 00:20:07,806 --> 00:20:14,143 Nobody sings songs of love in pig Latin the way Tito Gallegos does. 316 00:20:38,937 --> 00:20:43,397 Listen as Tito brings Broadway into your home. 317 00:20:57,489 --> 00:21:00,515 This rare collection is available only through this TV offer... 318 00:21:00,692 --> 00:21:03,957 ... but for a limited time. Feel the fire, feel the passion... 319 00:21:04,129 --> 00:21:06,791 ... and feel the spirit of this unique balladeer. 320 00:21:06,965 --> 00:21:11,993 So order now and discover why pig Latin is the lost language of love. 321 00:21:20,712 --> 00:21:25,911 All-cay ow-nay. All ajor-may edit-cray ards-cay accepted! 322 00:21:31,323 --> 00:21:33,188 Well, that's about it. We're out of time. 323 00:21:33,358 --> 00:21:36,759 We did the whole Melrose thing this week, but nobody really changed. 324 00:21:36,928 --> 00:21:39,863 - We've learned to be ourselves and... - I'll stick around. 325 00:21:40,032 --> 00:21:43,297 - Andy, what are you doing? - I love it here. This place is great. 326 00:21:43,468 --> 00:21:45,368 - It's Melrose. - I can't believe you. 327 00:21:45,537 --> 00:21:48,563 - What is this hat you're wearing? - What are you doing? It's mine. 328 00:21:48,740 --> 00:21:52,369 - What are you, Mr. Hip, cool? - I'm Melrose, Ben. I'm Andy. 329 00:21:52,544 --> 00:21:54,978 I thought you were afraid of getting things pierced. 330 00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:58,947 Get off it, Ben. These are just people. Hey, my ride's leaving. I gotta get going. 331 00:21:59,117 --> 00:22:01,210 - Hey, hang on, girls. - Wait a minute. Andy! 332 00:22:01,386 --> 00:22:02,478 Hang on a second. 333 00:22:02,654 --> 00:22:03,848 No... 334 00:22:04,022 --> 00:22:06,513 - Do you know him? - Let's go! 335 00:22:06,692 --> 00:22:08,785 - Go ahead, he's... - Go for it! 336 00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,087 Wait. Andy? Andy, I was joking! 337 00:22:11,263 --> 00:22:13,458 Do you know...? Who is that girl? Do you know her? 338 00:22:13,632 --> 00:22:16,533 - Yeah. - Where are they going? Do you know...? 339 00:22:19,004 --> 00:22:21,029 I'm sorry. 340 00:22:21,573 --> 00:22:25,031 I guess I'll see you next week, huh? Yeah. 341 00:22:46,798 --> 00:22:48,231 I've got Martha on my back. 342 00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,095 You don't want Martha on your back. 343 00:22:50,268 --> 00:22:52,293 That's something you don't want to deal with. 344 00:22:52,471 --> 00:22:53,665 Cut. 345 00:22:57,642 --> 00:22:58,631 [ENGLISH] 346 00:22:58,681 --> 00:23:03,231 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 30373

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