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1
00:00:02,235 --> 00:00:04,533
Welcome to the show.
I'm Ben Stiller.
2
00:00:04,704 --> 00:00:09,334
This week we're coming to you from
hip, trendy Melrose Avenue...
3
00:00:09,509 --> 00:00:11,238
...the inspiration for Melrose Place.
4
00:00:11,411 --> 00:00:14,938
Fox has decided they want all
their shows to come from Melrose.
5
00:00:15,115 --> 00:00:17,743
They want The Simpsons
taking place on Melrose Avenue...
6
00:00:17,917 --> 00:00:23,822
...COPS to be all on Melrose and
Living Color will be Melrose Living Color.
7
00:00:23,990 --> 00:00:25,958
Watch this, and we'll be right back.
8
00:00:26,493 --> 00:00:28,484
This week on Skank...
9
00:00:28,661 --> 00:00:32,188
I love bacon.
Burn, pig, burn!
10
00:00:32,365 --> 00:00:34,424
Don't get too close to that hot grease.
11
00:00:34,601 --> 00:00:37,729
Honey, shut your stinking... My eyes!
12
00:00:37,937 --> 00:00:39,598
- I see nothing!
- Skank!
13
00:00:39,773 --> 00:00:42,970
Everything is turned topsy-turvy
when Skank goes blind.
14
00:00:43,176 --> 00:00:45,940
It's out of the frying pan
and into the laughter...
15
00:00:46,112 --> 00:00:48,637
... when the whole family
has some eggshell-walking to do.
16
00:00:48,982 --> 00:00:51,951
Hey, Dad, have you seen my sunglasses?
17
00:00:56,923 --> 00:00:59,221
Mom, get him off me!
18
00:00:59,426 --> 00:01:01,326
And Skank starts to lose touch:
19
00:01:01,494 --> 00:01:07,865
Honey, refresh my memory.
What color are sneezes?
20
00:01:08,034 --> 00:01:12,164
So Doris comes up with a crazy scheme
to cheer Skank up.
21
00:01:12,372 --> 00:01:15,432
Honey, guess who's here.
It's Todd Bridges.
22
00:01:15,608 --> 00:01:18,133
Hey, Skank. I heard you used
to watch me on TV.
23
00:01:18,344 --> 00:01:20,369
Yeah. Watch TV.
24
00:01:20,547 --> 00:01:23,015
V. Vision. Television.
25
00:01:23,216 --> 00:01:24,774
I'm blind, you idiot!
26
00:01:26,886 --> 00:01:29,150
And then it's Todd to
the toe-tapping rescue.
27
00:01:29,355 --> 00:01:33,155
Honey, you keep him busy
while I call the cops.
28
00:01:33,326 --> 00:01:36,090
Kick off your shoes,
because this sock's on Fox!
29
00:01:36,262 --> 00:01:40,198
Honey, I can't see your stinking trap,
but I know it ain't shut!
30
00:01:40,366 --> 00:01:42,391
Skank.
31
00:03:02,448 --> 00:03:05,576
We get these calls at Red Sea Beach
about six or seven times a week.
32
00:03:05,752 --> 00:03:08,414
Some religious fanatics
claiming they're the chosen people...
33
00:03:10,156 --> 00:03:12,556
...attempting to defy the laws of nature
in some way.
34
00:03:12,725 --> 00:03:15,660
It's too bad. This used to be
a good neighborhood.
35
00:03:15,828 --> 00:03:18,661
- Jeez, there's the nutjob!
- All right, let's go, Johnny!
36
00:03:23,903 --> 00:03:27,236
Behold the hand of God!
37
00:03:27,407 --> 00:03:30,865
Let the waters part
for the children of Israel!
38
00:03:31,044 --> 00:03:33,945
- Yo! Show's over!
- Hey. Maestro, over here.
39
00:03:34,113 --> 00:03:35,671
- Come over here.
- Get over here.
40
00:03:35,848 --> 00:03:38,749
- What do you want from me?
- Come here.
41
00:03:38,918 --> 00:03:40,442
All right, what's going on here?
42
00:03:40,620 --> 00:03:44,056
- I am parting the Red Sea.
- You got a permit for that?
43
00:03:44,224 --> 00:03:46,283
- Yes.
- Then cough it up.
44
00:03:46,459 --> 00:03:50,395
- Got a permit?
- I mean, no. The Lord has it.
45
00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:53,088
- He has commanded it.
- Yeah, right.
46
00:03:53,299 --> 00:03:56,996
Yes or no? You're trying to part the sea.
We saw you.
47
00:03:57,170 --> 00:04:00,139
Yes and no. The answer is yes and no.
48
00:04:00,306 --> 00:04:01,796
Listen to me. Come here.
49
00:04:01,975 --> 00:04:05,411
Hey, you got about 40,000 people
on the other side of that ridge, right?
50
00:04:05,578 --> 00:04:08,138
You saying you're responsible
for each one of them?
51
00:04:08,314 --> 00:04:12,614
Because someone so much as litters,
I gotta take you in.
52
00:04:13,019 --> 00:04:15,351
Hey, look what I found.
You believe this guy?
53
00:04:15,521 --> 00:04:16,920
What are these about?
54
00:04:17,090 --> 00:04:20,218
In the name of the Lord,
leave those alone.
55
00:04:21,728 --> 00:04:24,390
- Hey, we got a burning bush over here!
- Run, Sarah!
56
00:04:24,564 --> 00:04:26,429
Where you going? Get back here!
57
00:04:26,633 --> 00:04:28,498
Listen. I'm gonna give you
one more shot.
58
00:04:28,668 --> 00:04:32,195
Take these people, turn them around,
take them back where you came from.
59
00:04:32,372 --> 00:04:34,033
I implore you to heed me.
60
00:04:34,207 --> 00:04:38,234
The blood of the Hebrews will make
no more mortar for the Egyptians.
61
00:04:38,411 --> 00:04:40,777
Hey, Pops, listen to me.
I don't care about that.
62
00:04:40,947 --> 00:04:43,177
All I'm saying is,
you can't be here right now.
63
00:04:43,349 --> 00:04:44,714
- You can't be here.
- But...
64
00:04:44,884 --> 00:04:49,412
No buts. That's it.
You gotta take it, move it out, okay?
65
00:04:49,622 --> 00:04:51,453
Hold it in the name of Ramses!
66
00:04:51,624 --> 00:04:53,990
Run, Sarah. Don't listen to him.
67
00:04:54,160 --> 00:04:56,355
- Why you running?
- We worship the golden calf.
68
00:04:56,529 --> 00:05:00,090
Not your buddy parting the water
back there? Where'd you get the calf?
69
00:05:00,300 --> 00:05:01,324
- Found it.
- Made it.
70
00:05:01,501 --> 00:05:02,763
Which is it?
71
00:05:02,935 --> 00:05:06,098
We found the materials and made
it with... What we found.
72
00:05:06,306 --> 00:05:08,774
Get up the hill!
73
00:05:08,975 --> 00:05:10,704
I'm too old for this s * *t.
Get up the hill.
74
00:05:10,877 --> 00:05:12,504
- Don't beat Sarah!
- Get up the hill!
75
00:05:12,679 --> 00:05:15,409
Don't you beat...
76
00:05:15,615 --> 00:05:17,742
You've got to understand
where I'm coming from.
77
00:05:17,917 --> 00:05:21,444
I gotta chase you around all day.
You think I like that?
78
00:05:21,621 --> 00:05:25,148
I'm warning you.
Do not anger the Lord, our God.
79
00:05:25,325 --> 00:05:27,418
Let me tell you something.
Your pal here says...
80
00:05:27,593 --> 00:05:31,051
...you've been drinking while
prophesizing. That's a felony, my friend.
81
00:05:31,264 --> 00:05:34,495
- That's right, Popeye.
- You have been warned!
82
00:05:34,667 --> 00:05:39,331
So have you. I'm taking you in.
Let's go build some pyramids, buddy.
83
00:05:40,606 --> 00:05:42,540
What the...? Holy mother of...
84
00:05:43,676 --> 00:05:46,543
Who will be next
to feel the Lord's wrath?
85
00:05:46,713 --> 00:05:51,707
He must be the chosen one.
The Lord speaks through Moses!
86
00:05:52,051 --> 00:05:54,417
This guy, he's obviously
hopped up on something...
87
00:05:54,587 --> 00:05:57,818
...so I'm gonna go
messenger for backup.
88
00:05:57,990 --> 00:06:03,587
We'll get him locked up, but in 48 hours,
he'll be out here doing the same thing.
89
00:06:03,763 --> 00:06:05,822
That was my partner, so...
90
00:06:05,998 --> 00:06:07,898
But, you know,
it's part of the business.
91
00:06:08,067 --> 00:06:10,433
I'm getting the f* *k out of here.
92
00:06:14,073 --> 00:06:17,565
Welcome back. We're hanging out here
on Melrose with my friend Bob Odenkirk.
93
00:06:17,744 --> 00:06:21,874
- Hi. This is a cool place. Very hip.
- Yeah, definitely hip.
94
00:06:22,048 --> 00:06:25,779
Most of the people who walk down the
street are probably fans of your show.
95
00:06:25,952 --> 00:06:27,010
I don't know...
96
00:06:27,186 --> 00:06:29,677
Seriously, because the show
is hip too. And cool.
97
00:06:29,856 --> 00:06:32,882
This would be a good chance
to talk to your audience...
98
00:06:33,059 --> 00:06:35,892
...and find out what they like
and don't like about the show...
99
00:06:36,062 --> 00:06:40,089
...and detail it to their wishes.
- Yeah, maybe sometime...
100
00:06:40,266 --> 00:06:42,791
- And there's some ladies here too...
- No. Bob...
101
00:06:42,969 --> 00:06:45,995
- Hi. I'm Bob Odenkirk. Hi.
- Hi.
102
00:06:46,172 --> 00:06:48,333
This gentleman would like
to ask you a question.
103
00:06:48,508 --> 00:06:51,102
- No, I don't want to ask...
- Come on, don't be shy.
104
00:06:51,277 --> 00:06:53,837
Have you seen The Ben Stiller Show?
I was wondering...
105
00:06:54,013 --> 00:06:55,139
- Who?
- What is that?
106
00:06:55,314 --> 00:06:58,477
- It's a comedy show on Fox.
- Ben who?
107
00:06:58,651 --> 00:07:01,848
Forget it. Not a good idea. Let's just
watch another Fox show, okay?
108
00:07:02,021 --> 00:07:06,014
- They obviously haven't seen our show.
- Ask them about books they read.
109
00:07:06,192 --> 00:07:08,285
Come on, I just want
to talk to some women.
110
00:07:08,461 --> 00:07:11,897
Exactly. You just want... Go ahead.
You don't need me for that.
111
00:07:12,064 --> 00:07:14,555
Do you watch any TV?
112
00:07:14,734 --> 00:07:15,758
- All the time.
- Really?
113
00:07:15,935 --> 00:07:17,459
- Yeah.
- What do you like?
114
00:07:18,337 --> 00:07:21,704
And now, Ben Stiller's Music News
with Tabitha Soren.
115
00:07:21,908 --> 00:07:24,035
This is a special music video update.
116
00:07:24,210 --> 00:07:28,442
The censorship battle over rap star Ice
Man McGee's latest release is heating up.
117
00:07:28,614 --> 00:07:30,912
A Los Angeles man by the name of
Doug Szathkey...
118
00:07:31,083 --> 00:07:35,144
...is protesting Ice Man's new hit
single, "Kill Doug Szathkey."
119
00:07:35,321 --> 00:07:38,222
Mr. Szathkey, who happens to be
Ice Man's neighbor...
120
00:07:38,391 --> 00:07:41,053
...claims the lyrics are disturbing
and potentially dangerous...
121
00:07:41,227 --> 00:07:44,287
...and called for a nationwide
boycott of the album.
122
00:07:44,464 --> 00:07:47,365
We have received a special
advance copy of the video.
123
00:07:47,533 --> 00:07:49,262
You decide.
124
00:08:36,349 --> 00:08:40,445
Mr. Szathkey granted us an exclusive
interview at his home in Los Angeles.
125
00:08:44,156 --> 00:08:45,214
What did I do?
126
00:08:45,391 --> 00:08:48,019
I mean, I know he has the right
to say anything...
127
00:08:48,194 --> 00:08:50,594
...but I'm gonna get killed here.
128
00:08:50,763 --> 00:08:54,290
I gotta move. This is not a good place.
You should get out too.
129
00:08:54,467 --> 00:08:57,436
Oh, God! He's got a gun!
Oh, God!
130
00:08:57,603 --> 00:08:59,332
Oh, no!
131
00:09:02,975 --> 00:09:06,206
Leave me alone!
132
00:09:10,149 --> 00:09:13,641
Ice Man McGee held a press conference
to respond to the charges.
133
00:09:15,021 --> 00:09:18,320
It's like I'm saying.
It's just censorship, straight up.
134
00:09:18,491 --> 00:09:22,552
I would like to make it clear that when
I said, "Kill Doug Szathkey"...
135
00:09:22,728 --> 00:09:27,665
...I was using street terminology
to describe a situation from my life.
136
00:09:27,833 --> 00:09:32,395
When you misinterpret my words,
all y'all dis me, you dis my fans...
137
00:09:32,572 --> 00:09:36,804
...and you dis the United States
Constitution. And that's the real crime.
138
00:09:36,976 --> 00:09:39,501
Peace. We out of here.
139
00:09:40,913 --> 00:09:43,211
The record company has agreed
to release the album...
140
00:09:43,382 --> 00:09:45,009
...with the following warning label:
141
00:09:45,184 --> 00:09:48,711
"Warning: Manufacturer does not condone
the killing, or in any way harming...
142
00:09:48,888 --> 00:09:53,951
...of Doug Szathkey, but instead wishes
Doug a long, healthy and fulfilling life."
143
00:09:54,126 --> 00:09:56,924
This has been a music video update
brought to you by:
144
00:09:57,096 --> 00:10:00,463
Yummy Gummy Auto Parts,
the auto-part-shaped chewy candy...
145
00:10:00,633 --> 00:10:03,261
...with a burst of real fruit juice.
146
00:10:05,671 --> 00:10:07,298
It's really good sparkling water.
147
00:10:07,473 --> 00:10:10,965
We're here at one of the hip Melrose
Avenue restaurants having a good time...
148
00:10:11,143 --> 00:10:13,634
- You ready to order?
- Yeah. Andy?
149
00:10:13,813 --> 00:10:17,681
You know what sounds good
is the Tyne Daly veggie kabob.
150
00:10:17,850 --> 00:10:21,308
- Good. Janeane?
- I'll have the Adam West Cajun bites.
151
00:10:21,487 --> 00:10:24,012
I'm going to have
the Gary Coleman gazpacho.
152
00:10:24,190 --> 00:10:27,216
I'm not hungry. I'm just gonna
have more Ice-T ice tea.
153
00:10:27,393 --> 00:10:29,486
- That's good, that's good.
- Great.
154
00:10:29,662 --> 00:10:32,096
Good meal coming up.
We'll be right back.
155
00:10:36,302 --> 00:10:37,894
- Yeah.
- Know what I mean?
156
00:10:38,070 --> 00:10:40,698
- But I don't like filming on this street.
- It's Melrose...
157
00:10:40,873 --> 00:10:44,309
- Creeps me out. These people are freaks.
- They want us to be hip.
158
00:10:44,477 --> 00:10:48,573
They have brass rings in places where
you should not poke holes.
159
00:10:48,748 --> 00:10:50,716
- Well, Andy...
- I'm always watching my back.
160
00:10:50,883 --> 00:10:54,819
It's very, very scary.
People are walking like this:
161
00:10:54,987 --> 00:10:57,285
- You know, like robots.
- Calm down, all right?
162
00:10:57,456 --> 00:10:58,548
I'm freaked out.
163
00:10:58,724 --> 00:11:01,852
Nothing to be frightened of.
There are worse things to be scared of.
164
00:11:02,028 --> 00:11:03,495
- Let's walk faster.
- Okay.
165
00:11:03,763 --> 00:11:07,494
You're looking at late-night shock jock
Damien Faustman...
166
00:11:07,667 --> 00:11:12,661
... a man who hates his listeners
almost as much as he hates himself.
167
00:11:12,838 --> 00:11:17,400
Tonight he'll learn that it doesn't take
a lot of expensive special effects...
168
00:11:17,576 --> 00:11:22,036
... or an original story line to come
face to face with his worst nightmare:
169
00:11:22,214 --> 00:11:23,977
His soul.
170
00:11:24,150 --> 00:11:28,086
On Low Budget Tales of Clichéd Horror.
171
00:11:30,156 --> 00:11:33,819
It's 2: 15 a.m., Tri-City area, and it's
time for the man you love to hate.
172
00:11:33,993 --> 00:11:36,120
He's taking your calls
and he's mad as hell.
173
00:11:36,295 --> 00:11:41,028
At 666-DVIL, it's Damien Faustman.
174
00:11:42,368 --> 00:11:44,802
It's 2:15, and I'm Damien Faustman.
175
00:11:44,970 --> 00:11:47,768
What are you doing awake?
I hate you all.
176
00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:51,300
Almost as much as I hate myself.
177
00:11:52,078 --> 00:11:55,775
- Line one.
- I just wanna say I love your show...
178
00:11:55,948 --> 00:11:58,143
Shut up. I hate you.
179
00:11:58,317 --> 00:12:00,945
- Line two.
- What's your problem, Faustman?
180
00:12:01,120 --> 00:12:04,385
What did you do, sell your soul
to the devil or something?
181
00:12:04,557 --> 00:12:06,787
- Line three.
- Damien, I'm 16...
182
00:12:06,959 --> 00:12:09,427
... and I'm feeling really depressed
and confused...
183
00:12:09,595 --> 00:12:13,122
Go kill yourself. Don't waste my time.
Don't worry. No one will miss you.
184
00:12:14,066 --> 00:12:18,230
Okay, we'll be back with more of your
miserable calls right after this.
185
00:12:21,373 --> 00:12:22,772
I gotta quit these things.
186
00:12:33,986 --> 00:12:38,047
Jeez, it's hot in here.
Damn air conditioning.
187
00:12:38,257 --> 00:12:41,624
Faustman! It's time.
188
00:12:43,062 --> 00:12:44,324
Who said that?
189
00:12:46,065 --> 00:12:48,295
Crazy kids.
190
00:12:50,236 --> 00:12:53,069
All right, we're back, and you're
still calling. How pathetic.
191
00:12:53,639 --> 00:12:57,632
- Line six.
- How hot do you think it is in hell?
192
00:12:57,810 --> 00:13:00,677
I don't know. Why don't you
ask your mother? Line four.
193
00:13:00,846 --> 00:13:03,610
You leave my mother out of this!
194
00:13:03,816 --> 00:13:06,910
You're all alone now, Damien.
Feeling warm?
195
00:13:07,119 --> 00:13:10,646
666, what a coincidence.
Time is running out.
196
00:13:10,823 --> 00:13:14,782
Look at your friend now. Do I have
to come right out and say it?
197
00:13:14,994 --> 00:13:16,393
Those crazy kids!
198
00:13:16,595 --> 00:13:21,726
- Line one.
- Damien, this is Angelica.
199
00:13:24,203 --> 00:13:26,967
Didn't you get it when I broke up
with you? I hate you!
200
00:13:27,139 --> 00:13:29,107
Almost as much as you hate yourself?
201
00:13:29,775 --> 00:13:33,370
Oh, Damien, I love you.
Let's go away.
202
00:13:33,546 --> 00:13:35,776
Like when we went to that cabin
in the mountains.
203
00:13:36,081 --> 00:13:40,347
Things can be good again.
You've got to believe that they can.
204
00:13:43,923 --> 00:13:45,254
Crank call.
205
00:13:45,424 --> 00:13:48,257
- Line two.
- Good one, Faustman.
206
00:13:48,460 --> 00:13:53,124
I never liked the mountains anyway.
Too chilly.
207
00:13:53,299 --> 00:13:55,961
Why don't you just
show yourself, face to face?
208
00:13:56,135 --> 00:14:00,094
Yes, well, I'd love to. But I think
it'll be a lot scarier for you...
209
00:14:00,272 --> 00:14:02,103
... to imagine what I look like.
210
00:14:02,308 --> 00:14:06,438
There's horns on your poster.
I wonder what that means.
211
00:14:06,645 --> 00:14:09,580
Your "On the Air" sign
is getting red. Interesting.
212
00:14:09,782 --> 00:14:13,411
Time's still running out, Faustman.
It's getting so hot in here.
213
00:14:13,586 --> 00:14:16,453
Here at WDVL.
214
00:14:16,655 --> 00:14:21,024
Get it? Pleased to meet you,
won't you guess my name?
215
00:14:21,193 --> 00:14:24,094
- Line one!
- Have a little sympathy for me!
216
00:14:24,263 --> 00:14:27,596
- Those crazy kids! I hate them!
- As much as you hate yourself?
217
00:14:27,766 --> 00:14:29,961
I will not go with you to hell!
218
00:14:30,135 --> 00:14:31,568
Go with me?
219
00:14:31,737 --> 00:14:36,538
News flash: You're already in hell!
220
00:14:53,025 --> 00:14:58,964
- Welcome to hell, Faustman.
- That's it?
221
00:14:59,131 --> 00:15:03,500
- This is it?
- Pretty scary, huh?
222
00:15:03,669 --> 00:15:05,694
Yeah. Yeah, I guess. I mean...
223
00:15:05,871 --> 00:15:09,637
What do you mean, "Yeah, I guess"?
I've been dropping hints at you...
224
00:15:09,808 --> 00:15:13,835
... for over an hour now. This is it.
Your own personal hell.
225
00:15:14,013 --> 00:15:17,505
I work with what I got. I mean,
look at the clock. It's got blood on it.
226
00:15:17,683 --> 00:15:21,346
You don't see that every day.
It scares me, and I thought it up.
227
00:15:21,520 --> 00:15:25,149
Yeah, right. Sure. I bet.
228
00:15:25,324 --> 00:15:27,258
Hey, could you stop that, please?
229
00:15:27,426 --> 00:15:32,056
Please, because I'm getting sick, and it's
really... It's enough already with that.
230
00:15:32,765 --> 00:15:35,791
You know, I really... I feel like
I should fall into a fiery pit...
231
00:15:35,968 --> 00:15:37,959
...I should get engulfed by something.
232
00:15:38,137 --> 00:15:42,005
There should be something more...
Insects should eat me or something.
233
00:15:42,174 --> 00:15:44,233
I feel this is...
234
00:15:44,710 --> 00:15:47,042
Is it just this? I mean...
235
00:15:47,212 --> 00:15:49,009
I'm not even hot, you know?
236
00:15:49,181 --> 00:15:53,675
Look. We are in a recession.
I am on a budget.
237
00:15:53,852 --> 00:15:56,412
Damien Faustman,
a man who has just learned...
238
00:15:56,588 --> 00:15:59,580
... that terror doesn't
have to have a high price tag.
239
00:15:59,758 --> 00:16:02,090
Especially when the thing
you hate most is your...
240
00:16:02,261 --> 00:16:05,526
Self. I know. I hate myself.
I mean, come on.
241
00:16:05,698 --> 00:16:09,691
I think we've beat that one
into the ground. This is just...
242
00:16:10,069 --> 00:16:14,199
Anybody got an iced tea or something?
I mean... This is not really...
243
00:16:14,373 --> 00:16:16,000
This didn't work out too well.
244
00:16:17,076 --> 00:16:19,909
Now, Janeane, you're the perfect
Melrose Avenue resident.
245
00:16:20,079 --> 00:16:21,910
- Thank you.
- You got the look happening.
246
00:16:22,081 --> 00:16:24,049
You're very stylish, very hip.
247
00:16:24,216 --> 00:16:26,275
Well, yeah, I've got
the clothes and stuff...
248
00:16:26,452 --> 00:16:28,977
...but I want to say I'm not
just completely surface...
249
00:16:29,154 --> 00:16:32,453
...and I'd like to appeal
to the Melrose kids.
250
00:16:32,624 --> 00:16:36,219
Don't just work out these.
You gotta work this muscle out too.
251
00:16:36,395 --> 00:16:40,161
Read a book every once in a while. Might
give you information you might need.
252
00:16:40,332 --> 00:16:42,527
You did well in school?
You were a good student?
253
00:16:42,701 --> 00:16:44,134
- No. Not at all.
- No. See?
254
00:16:44,303 --> 00:16:47,932
- Me neither. I just never...
- Never cracked a book.
255
00:16:48,107 --> 00:16:51,474
Yeah, that's me. I never cracked a book.
That's why I'm doing this.
256
00:16:51,643 --> 00:16:53,736
- Cliffs Notes.
- Know what I'm saying?
257
00:16:58,784 --> 00:17:00,012
Where am I?
258
00:17:00,219 --> 00:17:02,619
Why, in the house of
General George Washington.
259
00:17:02,788 --> 00:17:05,052
But who are you?
And where do you come from?
260
00:17:05,224 --> 00:17:07,886
George Washington?
261
00:17:08,060 --> 00:17:10,085
1776.
262
00:17:10,262 --> 00:17:12,594
Redcoats. Minutemen!
263
00:17:12,765 --> 00:17:14,995
Why, the old professor
wasn't crazy after all.
264
00:17:15,167 --> 00:17:16,794
His old time machine really works!
265
00:17:16,969 --> 00:17:19,733
Coming this fall: Meet
a new kind of time traveler.
266
00:17:19,905 --> 00:17:22,339
She's just an ordinary citizen
like you and me.
267
00:17:22,541 --> 00:17:26,136
If you have indeed traversed time,
you'll know every strategy and battle...
268
00:17:26,311 --> 00:17:28,939
...of the conflict to come.
The revolution is won!
269
00:17:29,114 --> 00:17:33,676
Well, sir, actually, all I remember
is redcoats, minutemen...
270
00:17:33,852 --> 00:17:35,547
...and you have wooden teeth.
271
00:17:35,721 --> 00:17:37,848
Well, tell me something I don't know.
272
00:17:38,023 --> 00:17:40,082
Didn't you study American history?
273
00:17:40,259 --> 00:17:44,025
- Yeah, but I wasn't a freak about it.
- Well, that's great. That's just great.
274
00:17:44,196 --> 00:17:45,220
Sorry!
275
00:17:45,431 --> 00:17:47,296
B- minus Time Traveler.
276
00:17:47,466 --> 00:17:50,833
With nothing but a B-minus average
from an American public school...
277
00:17:51,003 --> 00:17:54,131
... she plunges through space and time,
helping whomever she can...
278
00:17:54,306 --> 00:17:57,139
... with her vague, sketchy knowledge
of American history.
279
00:17:57,309 --> 00:18:00,142
Come on, Stacey,
shake those cobwebs loose!
280
00:18:00,345 --> 00:18:05,408
July 7, 1941, a day
that will live in infamy.
281
00:18:05,584 --> 00:18:09,611
September 12, 1941,
a day that will live in...
282
00:18:09,788 --> 00:18:12,450
Come on, General MacArthur,
they both sound right!
283
00:18:12,724 --> 00:18:16,353
How could you forget the date
Pearl Harbor was bombed?
284
00:18:16,562 --> 00:18:18,792
Well, it's super easy
to cheat in that class...
285
00:18:18,964 --> 00:18:21,194
...because we had this system rigged...
286
00:18:21,366 --> 00:18:24,335
...where you would write it
on your arm.
287
00:18:24,503 --> 00:18:27,700
She was always the one who asked,
"Why do we need to know this stuff?"
288
00:18:27,873 --> 00:18:30,103
Well, now she has her answer.
289
00:18:30,275 --> 00:18:32,971
Look, Mr. Columbus,
one of your ships gets lost.
290
00:18:33,145 --> 00:18:36,876
Either the Nina or the Pinta.
291
00:18:37,049 --> 00:18:39,142
I should not have cut Spanish.
292
00:18:43,021 --> 00:18:46,479
Crash-o ship-o bye-bye!
293
00:18:46,692 --> 00:18:50,890
It's an endless pop quiz. And now
she wishes she'd done the reading.
294
00:18:51,230 --> 00:18:53,425
Why am I crossing the Delaware?
295
00:18:53,599 --> 00:18:57,194
Am I attacking? Am I retreating?
Just give me something here.
296
00:18:57,402 --> 00:19:00,337
Possibly retreating. I don't remember.
297
00:19:00,539 --> 00:19:03,872
Oh, well, that's a great attitude.
That really helps me a lot.
298
00:19:04,476 --> 00:19:06,444
Look, I know you got
to bring more shoes.
299
00:19:06,612 --> 00:19:09,740
Enough about the shoes.
Everything is shoes and teeth with you!
300
00:19:09,915 --> 00:19:11,815
Just give me a fact, a date, something.
301
00:19:11,984 --> 00:19:14,316
Listen to me. When I was studying
this in school...
302
00:19:14,486 --> 00:19:16,317
...I was trying to get
my driver's permit...
303
00:19:16,488 --> 00:19:20,288
...cramming for those stupid SATs...
I had a million things on my mind.
304
00:19:20,492 --> 00:19:23,757
For heaven's sake, keep trying.
If you can't remember that date...
305
00:19:23,929 --> 00:19:26,193
...this could be
the greatest disaster since...
306
00:19:26,365 --> 00:19:29,664
...Washington capsized in the
Delaware with all those shoes.
307
00:19:31,537 --> 00:19:33,471
B- minus Time Traveler.
308
00:19:33,639 --> 00:19:36,437
She never thought
she'd be tested on this.
309
00:19:36,642 --> 00:19:39,941
- Stop yelling at me.
- Well, if you're the future, I quit.
310
00:19:40,112 --> 00:19:42,012
I'm out of here.
311
00:19:42,481 --> 00:19:45,006
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312
00:19:45,184 --> 00:19:50,247
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313
00:20:02,434 --> 00:20:04,265
Order this two-record set now...
314
00:20:04,436 --> 00:20:07,633
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315
00:20:07,806 --> 00:20:14,143
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the way Tito Gallegos does.
316
00:20:38,937 --> 00:20:43,397
Listen as Tito brings Broadway
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317
00:20:57,489 --> 00:21:00,515
This rare collection is available
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318
00:21:00,692 --> 00:21:03,957
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Feel the fire, feel the passion...
319
00:21:04,129 --> 00:21:06,791
... and feel the spirit
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320
00:21:06,965 --> 00:21:11,993
So order now and discover why
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321
00:21:20,712 --> 00:21:25,911
All-cay ow-nay. All ajor-may edit-cray
ards-cay accepted!
322
00:21:31,323 --> 00:21:33,188
Well, that's about it.
We're out of time.
323
00:21:33,358 --> 00:21:36,759
We did the whole Melrose thing
this week, but nobody really changed.
324
00:21:36,928 --> 00:21:39,863
- We've learned to be ourselves and...
- I'll stick around.
325
00:21:40,032 --> 00:21:43,297
- Andy, what are you doing?
- I love it here. This place is great.
326
00:21:43,468 --> 00:21:45,368
- It's Melrose.
- I can't believe you.
327
00:21:45,537 --> 00:21:48,563
- What is this hat you're wearing?
- What are you doing? It's mine.
328
00:21:48,740 --> 00:21:52,369
- What are you, Mr. Hip, cool?
- I'm Melrose, Ben. I'm Andy.
329
00:21:52,544 --> 00:21:54,978
I thought you were afraid
of getting things pierced.
330
00:21:55,147 --> 00:21:58,947
Get off it, Ben. These are just people.
Hey, my ride's leaving. I gotta get going.
331
00:21:59,117 --> 00:22:01,210
- Hey, hang on, girls.
- Wait a minute. Andy!
332
00:22:01,386 --> 00:22:02,478
Hang on a second.
333
00:22:02,654 --> 00:22:03,848
No...
334
00:22:04,022 --> 00:22:06,513
- Do you know him?
- Let's go!
335
00:22:06,692 --> 00:22:08,785
- Go ahead, he's...
- Go for it!
336
00:22:08,960 --> 00:22:11,087
Wait. Andy? Andy, I was joking!
337
00:22:11,263 --> 00:22:13,458
Do you know...? Who is that girl?
Do you know her?
338
00:22:13,632 --> 00:22:16,533
- Yeah.
- Where are they going? Do you know...?
339
00:22:19,004 --> 00:22:21,029
I'm sorry.
340
00:22:21,573 --> 00:22:25,031
I guess I'll see you next week, huh?
Yeah.
341
00:22:46,798 --> 00:22:48,231
I've got Martha on my back.
342
00:22:48,400 --> 00:22:50,095
You don't want Martha on your back.
343
00:22:50,268 --> 00:22:52,293
That's something
you don't want to deal with.
344
00:22:52,471 --> 00:22:53,665
Cut.
345
00:22:57,642 --> 00:22:58,631
[ENGLISH]
346
00:22:58,681 --> 00:23:03,231
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