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1
00:00:06,339 --> 00:00:08,466
Hi, how you doing?
Welcome to the show.
2
00:00:08,641 --> 00:00:12,941
I'm heading to Hollywood Boulevard to
hang out with my friend Bob Goldthwait.
3
00:00:13,113 --> 00:00:15,274
Actually, I've never really met him.
4
00:00:15,448 --> 00:00:19,111
We're supposed to hang out for the
show, pretend we know each other.
5
00:00:19,285 --> 00:00:20,843
Anyway, see you over there.
6
00:00:21,087 --> 00:00:22,884
The most compelling actor in America...
7
00:00:23,056 --> 00:00:25,957
... makes his long-awaited
solo theatrical debut.
8
00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:29,061
It's Tom Cruise, Dress Casual.
9
00:00:29,729 --> 00:00:32,721
Thank you. Thank you.
10
00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:36,625
I thought Andy Warhol was dead.
11
00:00:52,152 --> 00:00:53,141
Come on! Let's go!
12
00:00:53,319 --> 00:00:55,219
See Tom as you've
never seen him before...
13
00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:58,152
... as he re-creates some
of his best-loved roles live.
14
00:00:58,324 --> 00:00:59,484
Raymond.
15
00:00:59,659 --> 00:01:01,024
Raymond.
16
00:01:01,194 --> 00:01:03,992
Thank you. Thank you.
17
00:01:04,664 --> 00:01:07,189
No, we can't...
We can't stop at Kmart, Raymond.
18
00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:12,669
I know you're definitely not wearing
any underwear. It's very obvious.
19
00:01:12,839 --> 00:01:13,931
I love you, Raymond.
20
00:01:14,107 --> 00:01:15,096
You're my brother.
21
00:01:15,275 --> 00:01:18,733
Step out of the rain
as Tom gets born again.
22
00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,072
Face it!
23
00:01:20,246 --> 00:01:23,340
Here's your lousy war!
24
00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:28,680
Thank you.
25
00:01:28,855 --> 00:01:32,313
Tom cruises down Broadway.
26
00:01:59,219 --> 00:02:02,780
Tom Cruise, Dress Casual.
Don't miss the magic.
27
00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:05,186
One night only at the
Long Beach Civic Center.
28
00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:09,556
1/2 price surf and turf dinner from
Mr. Rib upon presentation of ticket stub.
29
00:03:22,535 --> 00:03:25,902
We're here on Hollywood Boulevard
with my good friend Bobcat Goldthwait.
30
00:03:26,072 --> 00:03:27,972
- How you doing, Bob?
- Pleasure to meet you.
31
00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:31,577
Yeah, we always say that when we first
see each other. Nice to meet you.
32
00:03:31,744 --> 00:03:35,976
- It's like a little thing we play...
- No, I don't know you. I never met you.
33
00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:38,140
Okay, I'll play along.
Nice to meet you.
34
00:03:38,318 --> 00:03:42,652
So I'm really glad I could have you
on the show. It's gonna be a lot of fun.
35
00:03:42,822 --> 00:03:44,983
I'm a little baffled. What is this show?
36
00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:49,993
It's like a comedy show. We show little
films. It's really just fun. Fun comedy.
37
00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:52,859
But am I here because it's kitschy
to have me on?
38
00:03:53,032 --> 00:03:55,500
Are you having me on because
it's funny to have me on?
39
00:03:55,668 --> 00:03:57,397
Or do you genuinely think I'm funny?
40
00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:00,004
Yes, I think you're great.
I'm a big fan of yours.
41
00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:03,870
Because if I'm Fox's idea of a celebrity,
you're in a lot of trouble.
42
00:04:04,043 --> 00:04:07,376
I'm about eight months away from doing
boat shows with David Hasselhoff.
43
00:04:07,547 --> 00:04:09,777
Meet Bobcat and the Knight Rider.
44
00:04:09,949 --> 00:04:12,543
Why don't we go to our first little piece,
all right?
45
00:04:12,719 --> 00:04:14,186
We'll come back and... All right?
46
00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:16,549
Yeah, it's your show, Ben. Go ahead!
47
00:04:16,723 --> 00:04:19,214
Good friend,
Bobcat Goldthwait.
48
00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:24,154
They're young. They're cool.
They've got style.
49
00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:27,197
And they should have graduated
from high school years ago.
50
00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:33,636
They're the kids of
Melrose Heights 902102402.
51
00:04:34,374 --> 00:04:40,040
Meet Devin, handsome, attractive
and good-looking.
52
00:04:40,546 --> 00:04:42,275
He's almost got it all.
53
00:04:43,549 --> 00:04:48,282
Britton. She's beautiful,
pretty and gorgeous.
54
00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:52,189
And she's got Devin.
55
00:04:53,226 --> 00:04:57,060
Tank, Britton's older brother
and Devin's best friend.
56
00:04:57,230 --> 00:05:01,223
He's just as attractive as Devin,
only with slightly different sideburns.
57
00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:03,369
They're not as pointy.
58
00:05:03,903 --> 00:05:06,736
Anna, an exchange student
who's learning that...
59
00:05:06,906 --> 00:05:10,774
...America is more than just a language.
60
00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:17,350
Spider. All he's ever had is his music.
61
00:05:22,922 --> 00:05:24,549
Kind of.
62
00:05:26,092 --> 00:05:29,755
Vaughn, a sassy, impish prankster...
63
00:05:29,929 --> 00:05:34,662
... with a twinkle in his eye
and a secret.
64
00:05:35,435 --> 00:05:37,369
And Akeem...
65
00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:41,265
... the black guy.
66
00:05:41,941 --> 00:05:46,241
They're today's young adults,
dealing with today's problems.
67
00:05:48,381 --> 00:05:49,678
Why me?
68
00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:52,215
- Why me? Why me?
- Devin...
69
00:05:52,385 --> 00:05:55,286
What's wrong with you lately?
You've been acting so...
70
00:05:55,455 --> 00:05:57,446
...I don't know, strange or something.
71
00:05:57,623 --> 00:05:59,386
I know, Britton.
72
00:05:59,559 --> 00:06:01,550
It's just...
73
00:06:02,628 --> 00:06:04,220
...I've got...
74
00:06:04,397 --> 00:06:06,456
...a headache.
75
00:06:06,632 --> 00:06:07,792
I'm scared.
76
00:06:07,967 --> 00:06:11,027
Now, you gotta listen to me.
It's gonna be okay.
77
00:06:13,973 --> 00:06:17,136
Spider, did you hear?
Devin's got a headache.
78
00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:18,868
I know.
79
00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:20,910
Just try to relax, Britton.
80
00:06:21,147 --> 00:06:24,548
But I don't even know what to do.
I don't know how to talk to him anymore.
81
00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:27,246
Talk to him the way
you always did...
82
00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:31,381
...only not as loud.
83
00:06:32,158 --> 00:06:33,921
What?
84
00:06:34,093 --> 00:06:37,494
Tank, I heard Devin has got a headache.
Do you think we might catch it?
85
00:06:37,663 --> 00:06:41,292
I don't think so. It's locked in his head.
86
00:06:45,304 --> 00:06:48,273
It starts here and moves
to the back of my head...
87
00:06:48,441 --> 00:06:51,706
...like a herd of buffalo
got into my brain.
88
00:06:56,682 --> 00:06:59,412
Some pep rally this turned out to be.
89
00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:02,679
- Word!
- Where is everybody anyways?
90
00:07:02,855 --> 00:07:05,187
Hey, who are we kidding?
It's all my fault.
91
00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:09,089
Nobody wants to hang around a guy
who's got a bad headache.
92
00:07:10,897 --> 00:07:14,526
My grandmother had a headache once,
and it went away.
93
00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:16,099
People are ignorant.
94
00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,258
Word!
95
00:07:18,204 --> 00:07:19,193
Devin!
96
00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:23,138
I don't care if you have a headache.
I still love you.
97
00:07:23,376 --> 00:07:26,709
Tank, I'm sorry.
I thought you were Devin.
98
00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:34,818
Britton. Spider. Anna. Vaughn. Akeem.
Tank. And Devin.
99
00:07:34,987 --> 00:07:39,549
Different people with different hairstyles
but one thing in common:
100
00:07:39,725 --> 00:07:41,522
A dream of making it.
101
00:08:05,351 --> 00:08:09,981
Melrose Heights 902102402.
102
00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:13,148
It's Fox-errific!
103
00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,861
Pretty nice. Do you have one of these,
like, in an extra-large?
104
00:08:17,029 --> 00:08:19,759
It's just a joke, Bob. We're not really...
105
00:08:19,932 --> 00:08:22,924
A joke now. Wait three months.
This show's a hit!
106
00:08:23,102 --> 00:08:26,265
Anyway, you know, we're gonna
promote the show. I think the show...
107
00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:28,930
If you're gonna promote the show
and sell stuff...
108
00:08:29,108 --> 00:08:32,703
...you should go on The Tonight Show.
Urkel went on The Tonight Show.
109
00:08:32,879 --> 00:08:35,245
You know how many Urkel-O's
he sold going on there?
110
00:08:35,414 --> 00:08:37,109
- Urkel-O's? No.
- Urkel-O's.
111
00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:40,446
No, I didn't hear the figures on that,
but, you know...
112
00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:43,885
The Tonight Show's good because
Johnny's the father of comedy.
113
00:08:44,056 --> 00:08:45,956
Yeah, well, Johnny's gone now.
114
00:08:46,125 --> 00:08:49,617
Yeah, and he never asked
me on the show.
115
00:08:49,795 --> 00:08:53,561
- Don't...
- He's the father of comedy, and...
116
00:08:53,733 --> 00:08:55,394
My daddy doesn't love me.
117
00:08:55,568 --> 00:08:59,265
It's okay. It's all right.
Don't... Don't...
118
00:08:59,438 --> 00:09:01,963
It's not like that, really.
119
00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:08,945
Tonight Show auditions.
First up, Jay Leno.
120
00:09:12,351 --> 00:09:16,185
I can't believe you're making me do this.
You know you're gonna give it to me.
121
00:09:16,355 --> 00:09:18,220
Steven Seagal.
122
00:09:19,525 --> 00:09:23,484
I don't like this curtain here.
You know, it's a little...
123
00:09:23,663 --> 00:09:25,528
Think maybe I could kick down a door?
124
00:09:26,165 --> 00:09:27,462
William Shatner.
125
00:09:27,833 --> 00:09:31,325
Man, was it hot in Burbank today.
126
00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:33,768
How hot was it?
127
00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:34,872
Sinéad O'Connor.
128
00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:42,544
It's disgusting to tell a joke when there's
so much suffering in the world.
129
00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:44,777
It was so hot...
130
00:09:45,184 --> 00:09:46,674
Todd Bridges.
131
00:09:47,019 --> 00:09:49,283
Hi, welcome to The Tonight Show.
I'm Todd Bridges.
132
00:09:49,455 --> 00:09:51,116
Next.
133
00:09:51,457 --> 00:09:54,017
In fact, you fat, American swine
make me sick.
134
00:09:54,193 --> 00:09:56,354
How sick are you?
135
00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:58,394
You better pack it in, you tosser.
136
00:09:58,664 --> 00:10:01,189
You know, I tell a joke.
That's all I do. I tell jokes.
137
00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:02,857
I don't do the teatime theater.
138
00:10:03,035 --> 00:10:05,868
I just... I tell jokes.
You know, "On the home front..."
139
00:10:06,038 --> 00:10:09,872
"Did you read the paper today?" This
is what I do. It's pretty simple, really.
140
00:10:10,242 --> 00:10:12,369
Spock.
141
00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:13,603
Spock.
142
00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,212
Blood, sweat and tears.
143
00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:20,784
Blood, sweat and tears.
144
00:10:24,890 --> 00:10:29,190
What we'll be forced to drink after
the global environmental apocalypse.
145
00:10:31,764 --> 00:10:35,222
What do you know about suffering?
Your whole life is frivolous and petty.
146
00:10:35,401 --> 00:10:38,302
You spend your day worrying
whether one of your tenants is gay.
147
00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,132
It's just a part I play.
148
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,604
A part you chose to play, sir.
149
00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:47,037
So, Norman, have you ever killed
a guy, or what?
150
00:10:47,713 --> 00:10:48,702
Where is Johnny?
151
00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:52,311
Johnny quit the show. I'm trying to get
his job here. Help me out.
152
00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:55,045
- The job is open?
- There's no host. The job is open.
153
00:10:57,256 --> 00:11:00,316
All I can say is, good luck.
154
00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:04,759
Look, old man, if you won't step aside,
I think somebody's got to take you out.
155
00:11:04,930 --> 00:11:06,761
Let's go. Right here, right now.
156
00:11:06,932 --> 00:11:12,268
Okay, but I'm warning you,
I'm feeling a little under the weather!
157
00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:24,513
Look at us!
Is this what you want?
158
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:28,120
You've pitted us against each other
like animals in a cage.
159
00:11:28,287 --> 00:11:29,276
For what?
160
00:11:29,455 --> 00:11:32,356
A silly late-night talk show?
161
00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,789
Do you know what it is to feel...
162
00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,428
...to love?
163
00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,188
I got it. They gave it to me.
164
00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:42,527
I got the show.
All that kissing up paid off.
165
00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:44,602
Time to kiss up to Mr. Jay.
166
00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:47,034
Yes, it's all behind us. The plant is mine.
167
00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:49,106
Somebody get rid of Johnny's mug.
168
00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:53,268
Could we get Doc Severinsen on the
phone? I have to tell him something.
169
00:11:56,348 --> 00:11:59,146
We're on Hollywood Boulevard
still with Bobcat Goldthwait.
170
00:11:59,318 --> 00:12:01,946
I love coming down to Hollywood
Boulevard. You know why?
171
00:12:02,121 --> 00:12:03,986
People from all over the world
come here.
172
00:12:04,156 --> 00:12:07,887
People from all over the world come here
to America to meet our crack addicts.
173
00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:09,550
It's really touching.
174
00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:13,495
How are you enjoying the show?
You having a good time here?
175
00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:15,156
I want to leave.
176
00:12:15,334 --> 00:12:18,667
- You want to leave?
- I wanna get off the show. Is that cool?
177
00:12:18,838 --> 00:12:21,238
Yeah, but we're not over yet.
Can you hang out?
178
00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:25,343
I'm sorry. I've got
an American Gladiators at 12:00.
179
00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:26,773
Why don't you use this guy?
180
00:12:26,946 --> 00:12:28,846
- He can finish up for me.
- You can't.
181
00:12:29,014 --> 00:12:31,414
- He's really good.
- Hi, how's it going?
182
00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,916
Bob? Bob?
183
00:12:34,353 --> 00:12:38,016
That's great.
That's great the way you do that.
184
00:12:38,190 --> 00:12:40,090
He doesn't really...
185
00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:44,655
We'll be right back in a second.
186
00:12:45,197 --> 00:12:50,032
America's going nuts for
Fox's newest comedy smash, Skank.
187
00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:55,469
Skank, you're home.
188
00:12:55,641 --> 00:12:57,006
Shut your stinking trap!
189
00:12:58,043 --> 00:13:02,207
People Magazine says,
"He's Lamb Chop with an attitude."
190
00:13:02,381 --> 00:13:04,372
Where's my headcheese?
191
00:13:04,550 --> 00:13:06,518
Why don't you check behind the eggs.
192
00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,378
Why don't you...
193
00:13:08,554 --> 00:13:10,419
Shut your stinking trap!
194
00:13:10,589 --> 00:13:13,888
Entertainment Weekly calls him,
"Archie Bunker with pink hair."
195
00:13:14,059 --> 00:13:20,521
I will not have a blubber-chewing igloo
jockey rubbing noses with my daughter!
196
00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:23,495
What do I look like? A baby seal?
197
00:13:23,669 --> 00:13:26,695
LIFE magazine says, "It's like
Married... with Children with heart. "
198
00:13:26,872 --> 00:13:31,400
If you do that, I will dig a hole
and bury you alive!
199
00:13:31,577 --> 00:13:33,477
Bye!
200
00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:36,376
- Who was that, honey?
- My mom.
201
00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:40,144
Also starring Norman Fell
as crazy Uncle Charlie.
202
00:13:40,319 --> 00:13:42,879
Here's the juicer you wanted.
What are you gonna make?
203
00:13:43,255 --> 00:13:46,588
Idiot juice. Now, jump in.
204
00:13:49,428 --> 00:13:54,695
And Time Magazine asks,
"Sock puppet or comic genius?"
205
00:13:55,734 --> 00:13:57,497
Shut your stinking traps!
206
00:13:57,970 --> 00:14:01,770
And we say, " This sock will warm
more than your feet. "
207
00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:05,775
Honey, your stinking trap is the greatest.
208
00:14:05,945 --> 00:14:09,642
Skank. Something on Fox smells funny.
209
00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:22,158
ESPN...
210
00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:25,829
... and the World Tennis Organization...
211
00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:30,866
... present a different kind
of made-for-cable movie.
212
00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:32,230
In a city full of crime...
213
00:14:32,404 --> 00:14:34,201
- Shut up! Shut up!
- No!
214
00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:37,035
- ... he's serving up justice.
- Give up the purse.
215
00:14:40,980 --> 00:14:44,780
Tennis star Andre Agassi
is taking it to the net in:
216
00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:47,145
Advantage Agassi.
217
00:14:47,353 --> 00:14:50,254
With Armand Assante
as the evil drug lord, Ramirez.
218
00:14:50,422 --> 00:14:52,890
Blow him away.
219
00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:55,523
Ernie Hudson as Captain Willie Jones.
220
00:14:55,694 --> 00:14:57,594
Damn it, Agassi, you're out of bounds!
221
00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:58,922
Turn in your racket.
222
00:14:59,164 --> 00:15:00,995
Fine.
223
00:15:01,166 --> 00:15:05,000
And introducing Martina Navratilova
as Cyborg 40 Love.
224
00:15:05,170 --> 00:15:07,866
Tennis, anyone?
225
00:15:08,307 --> 00:15:12,505
He's fully endorsed and ready for action.
But in a game of doubles...
226
00:15:12,678 --> 00:15:13,975
This is a game of doubles!
227
00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:16,737
... he's been playing singles
way too long.
228
00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:19,077
You've played singles way too long.
229
00:15:19,351 --> 00:15:25,449
Now there's word on the street that that
showoff, Agassi, is back in the game.
230
00:15:25,624 --> 00:15:30,926
So the word on the street is that that
showoff, Agassi, is back in the game.
231
00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:33,656
And this time, he's got
his court reserved.
232
00:15:33,832 --> 00:15:36,665
I'm so sorry, but I've got
this court reserved now.
233
00:15:38,470 --> 00:15:41,701
He's in top form, but there are no byes
in this tournament.
234
00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:45,310
And he's facing
his toughest opponent ever.
235
00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,781
Just don't tell him
his backhand needs work.
236
00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,885
Your backhand needs work!
237
00:15:56,388 --> 00:15:59,050
Andre Agassi in his dramatic
cable debut:
238
00:15:59,224 --> 00:16:01,055
Advantage Agassi.
239
00:16:01,226 --> 00:16:02,420
Advantage Agassi.
240
00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:06,524
Have a nice set, Mr. Agassi.
241
00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:18,071
Advantage Agassi.
242
00:16:18,243 --> 00:16:22,873
A high-strung, grand slam, scruffy-faced,
blind judge, groundstroke winner.
243
00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:27,482
We're back, and we're riding around
Hollywood in a fantasy tour bus.
244
00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:29,746
Anyway, I thought we'd go
to my video diary.
245
00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:32,686
Okay, pray tell, what is
your video diary, man?
246
00:16:32,858 --> 00:16:35,588
It's excerpts from my life
that I've taped over the years.
247
00:16:35,761 --> 00:16:40,755
Tonight we're gonna show when I was
16, I went to my first Van Halen concert.
248
00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:42,298
We'll just watch it over here.
249
00:16:42,468 --> 00:16:45,096
- You feel like Pauly Shore right now?
- Don't say that.
250
00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:46,828
I'm trying to just do a show.
251
00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,598
- So I watch right here?
- Yeah.
252
00:16:48,774 --> 00:16:51,470
- But there's nothing here.
- I know. Just pretend, okay?
253
00:16:51,643 --> 00:16:54,441
I'm really not doing Pauly Shore, am I?
254
00:16:54,613 --> 00:16:59,175
Actually, Pauly Shore's not bad.
Teenagers need a new Ernest.
255
00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:04,652
Okay, hello, video diary.
It's August 12, 1982.
256
00:17:04,823 --> 00:17:09,283
I'm sorry. I can't talk because
I got to get to the Van Halen concert.
257
00:17:09,461 --> 00:17:12,794
That's right. General admission seating!
258
00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,231
Did I mention who I'm going with?
259
00:17:16,402 --> 00:17:17,391
Sarah Dalton.
260
00:17:17,569 --> 00:17:20,936
Yes! I don't know how it happened,
but I am going with Sarah Dalton.
261
00:17:21,106 --> 00:17:23,472
She is coming with me.
262
00:17:23,642 --> 00:17:26,975
Actually, she's gonna meet me there
by the snack stand.
263
00:17:27,146 --> 00:17:31,480
I'm getting there early, stake out ground
for us to have an intimate moment.
264
00:17:31,650 --> 00:17:37,646
And then when Eddie V. Is ripping into
his wicked solo on "Jamie's Cryin"'...
265
00:17:37,823 --> 00:17:40,018
...that's when I make
my little move on Sarah.
266
00:17:40,192 --> 00:17:44,720
We're gonna have a good,
good time. Sarah. Sarah!
267
00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:47,866
Ben, you better hurry up
if you want to get a good spot.
268
00:17:48,033 --> 00:17:53,403
Well, I gotta go, because I have to meet
a certain person at a certain concert.
269
00:17:55,507 --> 00:17:58,169
Rock 'n' roll is here to stay.
270
00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:05,882
It's me again, and...
271
00:18:07,352 --> 00:18:11,618
All I can say is, you know,
if you have your blanket down...
272
00:18:11,790 --> 00:18:14,190
...that means that's
where you're sitting.
273
00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:18,227
And you shouldn't lose your spot
when you go to the bathroom.
274
00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:22,294
I kept...
You know, nobody owns grass.
275
00:18:22,701 --> 00:18:24,931
You looked like you'd been
at one of my concerts.
276
00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,299
- I know, it's...
- I mean, you looked good.
277
00:18:27,473 --> 00:18:30,203
I forgot about that end part.
It was really bad.
278
00:18:30,375 --> 00:18:32,707
You know, your show
misses one thing.
279
00:18:32,878 --> 00:18:33,867
What's that?
280
00:18:34,046 --> 00:18:37,106
Sketches with me in it. I had an idea.
I thought maybe...
281
00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:41,616
No, listen. I thought maybe like
we could be Wayne and Garth.
282
00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:44,779
Or Garth and Wayne,
whichever one you want to be.
283
00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:46,857
They've done that on
Saturday Night Live.
284
00:18:47,025 --> 00:18:50,893
It'd be you and me as Wayne and Garth,
and then I thought, at the end...
285
00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:54,499
...you ask me something, and I go, "Not!"
I think that would be funny.
286
00:18:54,666 --> 00:18:57,066
That's great. I think we
should think about it.
287
00:18:57,236 --> 00:18:59,932
I love when I hear somebody say, "Not."
I think that's funny.
288
00:19:00,105 --> 00:19:02,505
We'll be right back,
and we'll work on that.
289
00:19:02,674 --> 00:19:04,539
Not!
290
00:19:05,043 --> 00:19:07,705
Kids, here's a way to phone
your favorite new TV star...
291
00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:10,040
... and have your parents foot the bill.
292
00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:12,306
Someone answer the stinking phone!
293
00:19:12,684 --> 00:19:14,777
That's right! Exciting, live
and uncensored...
294
00:19:14,953 --> 00:19:18,320
... one-on-one conversations
with Skank himself!
295
00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:19,980
What are you wearing, sweetie?
296
00:19:20,425 --> 00:19:22,325
Only $3.95 for the first minute.
297
00:19:22,594 --> 00:19:24,459
Quick, go get your mommy's credit card.
298
00:19:24,730 --> 00:19:26,721
Call now. Skank is waiting.
299
00:19:26,965 --> 00:19:28,865
Where's she usually keep
her stinking purse?
300
00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:34,194
Call 1-900- 123-SYST
That's 1-900...
301
00:19:34,406 --> 00:19:36,374
Shut your stinking trap!
302
00:19:49,721 --> 00:19:53,157
We got a match that this is a witch out
here, so we're gonna check it out.
303
00:19:53,625 --> 00:19:56,321
Constable, I heard cries of a witch.
304
00:19:56,495 --> 00:19:58,986
- Where?
- By the Miller farm by the ridge.
305
00:20:00,399 --> 00:20:04,733
- I can't hear you! I can't hear you!
- She's a witch!
306
00:20:04,903 --> 00:20:06,564
- Who the hell are you?
- Shut up!
307
00:20:06,738 --> 00:20:09,104
Good sir, this woman is
the spawn of Satan.
308
00:20:09,274 --> 00:20:11,003
- You're a liar.
- Hang on a second.
309
00:20:11,176 --> 00:20:13,144
First of all, who are you?
310
00:20:13,312 --> 00:20:15,303
- Hey, Johnny!
- I got him! I got him!
311
00:20:16,481 --> 00:20:17,470
Come back!
312
00:20:17,649 --> 00:20:20,209
- You got a kid, right? Right?
- Yes, sir.
313
00:20:20,385 --> 00:20:24,321
What happens to the kid you get burned
at the stake? Who takes care of the kid?
314
00:20:24,489 --> 00:20:27,083
- I swear, sir, I am not a witch.
- Beelzebub?
315
00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:31,722
Ask her about the blood.
She was drinking blood!
316
00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:34,525
- Liar!
- Hey, hotshot. Step it back.
317
00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:35,689
Step off.
318
00:20:35,867 --> 00:20:37,494
- All right, watch him.
- He...
319
00:20:37,669 --> 00:20:39,569
Shut up. Shut up!
320
00:20:39,738 --> 00:20:42,298
Your buddy here says this woman's
a simple prostitute...
321
00:20:42,474 --> 00:20:44,032
...and you were refusing to pay.
322
00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,507
Of course he'd say that.
He's a witch too.
323
00:20:46,678 --> 00:20:49,511
- That is a lie!
- Shut up!
324
00:20:49,681 --> 00:20:50,943
- Arrest him!
- Shut up!
325
00:20:51,183 --> 00:20:55,415
I don't think you're a witch, but when a
complaint's filed, it's up to the magistrate.
326
00:20:55,587 --> 00:21:00,024
- They're witches, all of them.
- I wish I were a witch. I'd hex you!
327
00:21:00,459 --> 00:21:02,051
Everything will turn out all right.
328
00:21:02,227 --> 00:21:05,196
We'll take them to the village,
put them in a cauldron of water.
329
00:21:05,364 --> 00:21:08,231
If they drown, we know
they weren't witches.
330
00:21:09,234 --> 00:21:11,600
- I missed my kid's birthday again.
- Jeez!
331
00:21:13,205 --> 00:21:16,538
That's it. We're about out of time.
I'd like to thank Bobcat Goldthwait.
332
00:21:16,708 --> 00:21:19,233
- It was a pleasure meeting you.
- You were great.
333
00:21:19,411 --> 00:21:22,380
I was great? I didn't even do anything.
334
00:21:22,547 --> 00:21:24,913
You didn't put me in a sketch.
All I did was talk.
335
00:21:25,083 --> 00:21:26,550
That was...
Next time, you can...
336
00:21:26,718 --> 00:21:30,051
- How about I direct? Let me direct.
- No, Bob. That's funny.
337
00:21:30,222 --> 00:21:33,157
- Give the guy back the camera.
- No, go ahead.
338
00:21:33,325 --> 00:21:36,385
Bob, it's not my camera, okay.
It's a rental.
339
00:21:36,561 --> 00:21:41,430
Bob! Can somebody...?
Come on! Bob!
340
00:21:42,034 --> 00:21:44,730
Give me the camera!
341
00:21:47,506 --> 00:21:50,532
Hey, you, come here.
342
00:21:51,410 --> 00:21:52,604
Come here.
343
00:21:52,778 --> 00:21:54,678
Shut your trap!
344
00:21:54,846 --> 00:21:56,814
- I am not a witch.
- She was drinking blood.
345
00:21:56,982 --> 00:21:58,574
- Ask about the blood.
- That's a lie.
346
00:21:58,750 --> 00:22:00,615
Hey, hotshot. Back it off, all right?
347
00:22:00,786 --> 00:22:03,311
I want a statement out of you,
I'll get it.
348
00:22:03,488 --> 00:22:06,321
All right, you got an old man?
Someone you shacked up with?
349
00:22:06,491 --> 00:22:08,982
- No, sir.
- And cut.
350
00:22:09,161 --> 00:22:10,753
Don't worry about my past.
351
00:22:10,929 --> 00:22:13,329
That stuff's behind me.
I'm not doing that anymore.
352
00:22:13,498 --> 00:22:15,432
- Thank you. Thank you.
- I'm not violent.
353
00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:18,660
No, it's not "thank you."
This is my show, and I'm gonna do it.
354
00:22:18,837 --> 00:22:21,271
- Or I'm gonna take it. Who wants a...?
- Security!
355
00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,273
Security, I'll get you too.
You'll never take me alive!
356
00:22:24,443 --> 00:22:27,537
This is my show! I want it! I want it!
357
00:22:27,813 --> 00:22:29,781
Colonel Qaddafi,
he's the head of a country.
358
00:22:29,948 --> 00:22:32,280
Pretty stupid.
He makes himself a colonel.
359
00:22:32,451 --> 00:22:34,351
I move my head and I...
360
00:22:34,586 --> 00:22:38,613
Yeah, you with the bald head,
I'm getting the glare. It's like, hello.
361
00:22:38,790 --> 00:22:42,385
You can't fool us. He's combing it over,
saying, "Hey, nobody will know."
362
00:22:52,237 --> 00:22:53,795
- That's a good one.
- And cut.
363
00:22:57,609 --> 00:22:58,598
[ENGLISH]
364
00:22:58,648 --> 00:23:03,198
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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