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Would you like to inspect the original subtitles? These are the user uploaded subtitles that are being translated: 1 00:00:06,339 --> 00:00:08,466 Hi, how you doing? Welcome to the show. 2 00:00:08,641 --> 00:00:12,941 I'm heading to Hollywood Boulevard to hang out with my friend Bob Goldthwait. 3 00:00:13,113 --> 00:00:15,274 Actually, I've never really met him. 4 00:00:15,448 --> 00:00:19,111 We're supposed to hang out for the show, pretend we know each other. 5 00:00:19,285 --> 00:00:20,843 Anyway, see you over there. 6 00:00:21,087 --> 00:00:22,884 The most compelling actor in America... 7 00:00:23,056 --> 00:00:25,957 ... makes his long-awaited solo theatrical debut. 8 00:00:26,126 --> 00:00:29,061 It's Tom Cruise, Dress Casual. 9 00:00:29,729 --> 00:00:32,721 Thank you. Thank you. 10 00:00:34,134 --> 00:00:36,625 I thought Andy Warhol was dead. 11 00:00:52,152 --> 00:00:53,141 Come on! Let's go! 12 00:00:53,319 --> 00:00:55,219 See Tom as you've never seen him before... 13 00:00:55,388 --> 00:00:58,152 ... as he re-creates some of his best-loved roles live. 14 00:00:58,324 --> 00:00:59,484 Raymond. 15 00:00:59,659 --> 00:01:01,024 Raymond. 16 00:01:01,194 --> 00:01:03,992 Thank you. Thank you. 17 00:01:04,664 --> 00:01:07,189 No, we can't... We can't stop at Kmart, Raymond. 18 00:01:07,367 --> 00:01:12,669 I know you're definitely not wearing any underwear. It's very obvious. 19 00:01:12,839 --> 00:01:13,931 I love you, Raymond. 20 00:01:14,107 --> 00:01:15,096 You're my brother. 21 00:01:15,275 --> 00:01:18,733 Step out of the rain as Tom gets born again. 22 00:01:18,912 --> 00:01:20,072 Face it! 23 00:01:20,246 --> 00:01:23,340 Here's your lousy war! 24 00:01:27,520 --> 00:01:28,680 Thank you. 25 00:01:28,855 --> 00:01:32,313 Tom cruises down Broadway. 26 00:01:59,219 --> 00:02:02,780 Tom Cruise, Dress Casual. Don't miss the magic. 27 00:02:02,956 --> 00:02:05,186 One night only at the Long Beach Civic Center. 28 00:02:05,358 --> 00:02:09,556 1/2 price surf and turf dinner from Mr. Rib upon presentation of ticket stub. 29 00:03:22,535 --> 00:03:25,902 We're here on Hollywood Boulevard with my good friend Bobcat Goldthwait. 30 00:03:26,072 --> 00:03:27,972 - How you doing, Bob? - Pleasure to meet you. 31 00:03:28,141 --> 00:03:31,577 Yeah, we always say that when we first see each other. Nice to meet you. 32 00:03:31,744 --> 00:03:35,976 - It's like a little thing we play... - No, I don't know you. I never met you. 33 00:03:36,149 --> 00:03:38,140 Okay, I'll play along. Nice to meet you. 34 00:03:38,318 --> 00:03:42,652 So I'm really glad I could have you on the show. It's gonna be a lot of fun. 35 00:03:42,822 --> 00:03:44,983 I'm a little baffled. What is this show? 36 00:03:45,158 --> 00:03:49,993 It's like a comedy show. We show little films. It's really just fun. Fun comedy. 37 00:03:50,163 --> 00:03:52,859 But am I here because it's kitschy to have me on? 38 00:03:53,032 --> 00:03:55,500 Are you having me on because it's funny to have me on? 39 00:03:55,668 --> 00:03:57,397 Or do you genuinely think I'm funny? 40 00:03:57,570 --> 00:04:00,004 Yes, I think you're great. I'm a big fan of yours. 41 00:04:00,173 --> 00:04:03,870 Because if I'm Fox's idea of a celebrity, you're in a lot of trouble. 42 00:04:04,043 --> 00:04:07,376 I'm about eight months away from doing boat shows with David Hasselhoff. 43 00:04:07,547 --> 00:04:09,777 Meet Bobcat and the Knight Rider. 44 00:04:09,949 --> 00:04:12,543 Why don't we go to our first little piece, all right? 45 00:04:12,719 --> 00:04:14,186 We'll come back and... All right? 46 00:04:14,354 --> 00:04:16,549 Yeah, it's your show, Ben. Go ahead! 47 00:04:16,723 --> 00:04:19,214 Good friend, Bobcat Goldthwait. 48 00:04:20,593 --> 00:04:24,154 They're young. They're cool. They've got style. 49 00:04:24,330 --> 00:04:27,197 And they should have graduated from high school years ago. 50 00:04:27,367 --> 00:04:33,636 They're the kids of Melrose Heights 902102402. 51 00:04:34,374 --> 00:04:40,040 Meet Devin, handsome, attractive and good-looking. 52 00:04:40,546 --> 00:04:42,275 He's almost got it all. 53 00:04:43,549 --> 00:04:48,282 Britton. She's beautiful, pretty and gorgeous. 54 00:04:48,788 --> 00:04:52,189 And she's got Devin. 55 00:04:53,226 --> 00:04:57,060 Tank, Britton's older brother and Devin's best friend. 56 00:04:57,230 --> 00:05:01,223 He's just as attractive as Devin, only with slightly different sideburns. 57 00:05:01,401 --> 00:05:03,369 They're not as pointy. 58 00:05:03,903 --> 00:05:06,736 Anna, an exchange student who's learning that... 59 00:05:06,906 --> 00:05:10,774 ...America is more than just a language. 60 00:05:11,411 --> 00:05:17,350 Spider. All he's ever had is his music. 61 00:05:22,922 --> 00:05:24,549 Kind of. 62 00:05:26,092 --> 00:05:29,755 Vaughn, a sassy, impish prankster... 63 00:05:29,929 --> 00:05:34,662 ... with a twinkle in his eye and a secret. 64 00:05:35,435 --> 00:05:37,369 And Akeem... 65 00:05:39,172 --> 00:05:41,265 ... the black guy. 66 00:05:41,941 --> 00:05:46,241 They're today's young adults, dealing with today's problems. 67 00:05:48,381 --> 00:05:49,678 Why me? 68 00:05:49,849 --> 00:05:52,215 - Why me? Why me? - Devin... 69 00:05:52,385 --> 00:05:55,286 What's wrong with you lately? You've been acting so... 70 00:05:55,455 --> 00:05:57,446 ...I don't know, strange or something. 71 00:05:57,623 --> 00:05:59,386 I know, Britton. 72 00:05:59,559 --> 00:06:01,550 It's just... 73 00:06:02,628 --> 00:06:04,220 ...I've got... 74 00:06:04,397 --> 00:06:06,456 ...a headache. 75 00:06:06,632 --> 00:06:07,792 I'm scared. 76 00:06:07,967 --> 00:06:11,027 Now, you gotta listen to me. It's gonna be okay. 77 00:06:13,973 --> 00:06:17,136 Spider, did you hear? Devin's got a headache. 78 00:06:17,310 --> 00:06:18,868 I know. 79 00:06:19,045 --> 00:06:20,910 Just try to relax, Britton. 80 00:06:21,147 --> 00:06:24,548 But I don't even know what to do. I don't know how to talk to him anymore. 81 00:06:25,051 --> 00:06:27,246 Talk to him the way you always did... 82 00:06:28,321 --> 00:06:31,381 ...only not as loud. 83 00:06:32,158 --> 00:06:33,921 What? 84 00:06:34,093 --> 00:06:37,494 Tank, I heard Devin has got a headache. Do you think we might catch it? 85 00:06:37,663 --> 00:06:41,292 I don't think so. It's locked in his head. 86 00:06:45,304 --> 00:06:48,273 It starts here and moves to the back of my head... 87 00:06:48,441 --> 00:06:51,706 ...like a herd of buffalo got into my brain. 88 00:06:56,682 --> 00:06:59,412 Some pep rally this turned out to be. 89 00:06:59,585 --> 00:07:02,679 - Word! - Where is everybody anyways? 90 00:07:02,855 --> 00:07:05,187 Hey, who are we kidding? It's all my fault. 91 00:07:05,358 --> 00:07:09,089 Nobody wants to hang around a guy who's got a bad headache. 92 00:07:10,897 --> 00:07:14,526 My grandmother had a headache once, and it went away. 93 00:07:14,700 --> 00:07:16,099 People are ignorant. 94 00:07:16,269 --> 00:07:17,258 Word! 95 00:07:18,204 --> 00:07:19,193 Devin! 96 00:07:19,372 --> 00:07:23,138 I don't care if you have a headache. I still love you. 97 00:07:23,376 --> 00:07:26,709 Tank, I'm sorry. I thought you were Devin. 98 00:07:28,948 --> 00:07:34,818 Britton. Spider. Anna. Vaughn. Akeem. Tank. And Devin. 99 00:07:34,987 --> 00:07:39,549 Different people with different hairstyles but one thing in common: 100 00:07:39,725 --> 00:07:41,522 A dream of making it. 101 00:08:05,351 --> 00:08:09,981 Melrose Heights 902102402. 102 00:08:10,156 --> 00:08:13,148 It's Fox-errific! 103 00:08:13,960 --> 00:08:16,861 Pretty nice. Do you have one of these, like, in an extra-large? 104 00:08:17,029 --> 00:08:19,759 It's just a joke, Bob. We're not really... 105 00:08:19,932 --> 00:08:22,924 A joke now. Wait three months. This show's a hit! 106 00:08:23,102 --> 00:08:26,265 Anyway, you know, we're gonna promote the show. I think the show... 107 00:08:26,439 --> 00:08:28,930 If you're gonna promote the show and sell stuff... 108 00:08:29,108 --> 00:08:32,703 ...you should go on The Tonight Show. Urkel went on The Tonight Show. 109 00:08:32,879 --> 00:08:35,245 You know how many Urkel-O's he sold going on there? 110 00:08:35,414 --> 00:08:37,109 - Urkel-O's? No. - Urkel-O's. 111 00:08:37,283 --> 00:08:40,446 No, I didn't hear the figures on that, but, you know... 112 00:08:40,620 --> 00:08:43,885 The Tonight Show's good because Johnny's the father of comedy. 113 00:08:44,056 --> 00:08:45,956 Yeah, well, Johnny's gone now. 114 00:08:46,125 --> 00:08:49,617 Yeah, and he never asked me on the show. 115 00:08:49,795 --> 00:08:53,561 - Don't... - He's the father of comedy, and... 116 00:08:53,733 --> 00:08:55,394 My daddy doesn't love me. 117 00:08:55,568 --> 00:08:59,265 It's okay. It's all right. Don't... Don't... 118 00:08:59,438 --> 00:09:01,963 It's not like that, really. 119 00:09:06,112 --> 00:09:08,945 Tonight Show auditions. First up, Jay Leno. 120 00:09:12,351 --> 00:09:16,185 I can't believe you're making me do this. You know you're gonna give it to me. 121 00:09:16,355 --> 00:09:18,220 Steven Seagal. 122 00:09:19,525 --> 00:09:23,484 I don't like this curtain here. You know, it's a little... 123 00:09:23,663 --> 00:09:25,528 Think maybe I could kick down a door? 124 00:09:26,165 --> 00:09:27,462 William Shatner. 125 00:09:27,833 --> 00:09:31,325 Man, was it hot in Burbank today. 126 00:09:31,504 --> 00:09:33,768 How hot was it? 127 00:09:33,940 --> 00:09:34,872 Sinéad O'Connor. 128 00:09:38,744 --> 00:09:42,544 It's disgusting to tell a joke when there's so much suffering in the world. 129 00:09:43,583 --> 00:09:44,777 It was so hot... 130 00:09:45,184 --> 00:09:46,674 Todd Bridges. 131 00:09:47,019 --> 00:09:49,283 Hi, welcome to The Tonight Show. I'm Todd Bridges. 132 00:09:49,455 --> 00:09:51,116 Next. 133 00:09:51,457 --> 00:09:54,017 In fact, you fat, American swine make me sick. 134 00:09:54,193 --> 00:09:56,354 How sick are you? 135 00:09:56,529 --> 00:09:58,394 You better pack it in, you tosser. 136 00:09:58,664 --> 00:10:01,189 You know, I tell a joke. That's all I do. I tell jokes. 137 00:10:01,367 --> 00:10:02,857 I don't do the teatime theater. 138 00:10:03,035 --> 00:10:05,868 I just... I tell jokes. You know, "On the home front..." 139 00:10:06,038 --> 00:10:09,872 "Did you read the paper today?" This is what I do. It's pretty simple, really. 140 00:10:10,242 --> 00:10:12,369 Spock. 141 00:10:12,545 --> 00:10:13,603 Spock. 142 00:10:14,880 --> 00:10:17,212 Blood, sweat and tears. 143 00:10:17,383 --> 00:10:20,784 Blood, sweat and tears. 144 00:10:24,890 --> 00:10:29,190 What we'll be forced to drink after the global environmental apocalypse. 145 00:10:31,764 --> 00:10:35,222 What do you know about suffering? Your whole life is frivolous and petty. 146 00:10:35,401 --> 00:10:38,302 You spend your day worrying whether one of your tenants is gay. 147 00:10:38,471 --> 00:10:40,132 It's just a part I play. 148 00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,604 A part you chose to play, sir. 149 00:10:43,442 --> 00:10:47,037 So, Norman, have you ever killed a guy, or what? 150 00:10:47,713 --> 00:10:48,702 Where is Johnny? 151 00:10:49,148 --> 00:10:52,311 Johnny quit the show. I'm trying to get his job here. Help me out. 152 00:10:52,485 --> 00:10:55,045 - The job is open? - There's no host. The job is open. 153 00:10:57,256 --> 00:11:00,316 All I can say is, good luck. 154 00:11:00,493 --> 00:11:04,759 Look, old man, if you won't step aside, I think somebody's got to take you out. 155 00:11:04,930 --> 00:11:06,761 Let's go. Right here, right now. 156 00:11:06,932 --> 00:11:12,268 Okay, but I'm warning you, I'm feeling a little under the weather! 157 00:11:22,181 --> 00:11:24,513 Look at us! Is this what you want? 158 00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:28,120 You've pitted us against each other like animals in a cage. 159 00:11:28,287 --> 00:11:29,276 For what? 160 00:11:29,455 --> 00:11:32,356 A silly late-night talk show? 161 00:11:32,525 --> 00:11:34,789 Do you know what it is to feel... 162 00:11:34,960 --> 00:11:37,428 ...to love? 163 00:11:38,698 --> 00:11:40,188 I got it. They gave it to me. 164 00:11:40,366 --> 00:11:42,527 I got the show. All that kissing up paid off. 165 00:11:42,702 --> 00:11:44,602 Time to kiss up to Mr. Jay. 166 00:11:44,770 --> 00:11:47,034 Yes, it's all behind us. The plant is mine. 167 00:11:47,206 --> 00:11:49,106 Somebody get rid of Johnny's mug. 168 00:11:49,275 --> 00:11:53,268 Could we get Doc Severinsen on the phone? I have to tell him something. 169 00:11:56,348 --> 00:11:59,146 We're on Hollywood Boulevard still with Bobcat Goldthwait. 170 00:11:59,318 --> 00:12:01,946 I love coming down to Hollywood Boulevard. You know why? 171 00:12:02,121 --> 00:12:03,986 People from all over the world come here. 172 00:12:04,156 --> 00:12:07,887 People from all over the world come here to America to meet our crack addicts. 173 00:12:08,060 --> 00:12:09,550 It's really touching. 174 00:12:09,729 --> 00:12:13,495 How are you enjoying the show? You having a good time here? 175 00:12:13,666 --> 00:12:15,156 I want to leave. 176 00:12:15,334 --> 00:12:18,667 - You want to leave? - I wanna get off the show. Is that cool? 177 00:12:18,838 --> 00:12:21,238 Yeah, but we're not over yet. Can you hang out? 178 00:12:21,407 --> 00:12:25,343 I'm sorry. I've got an American Gladiators at 12:00. 179 00:12:25,511 --> 00:12:26,773 Why don't you use this guy? 180 00:12:26,946 --> 00:12:28,846 - He can finish up for me. - You can't. 181 00:12:29,014 --> 00:12:31,414 - He's really good. - Hi, how's it going? 182 00:12:31,584 --> 00:12:33,916 Bob? Bob? 183 00:12:34,353 --> 00:12:38,016 That's great. That's great the way you do that. 184 00:12:38,190 --> 00:12:40,090 He doesn't really... 185 00:12:41,527 --> 00:12:44,655 We'll be right back in a second. 186 00:12:45,197 --> 00:12:50,032 America's going nuts for Fox's newest comedy smash, Skank. 187 00:12:52,705 --> 00:12:55,469 Skank, you're home. 188 00:12:55,641 --> 00:12:57,006 Shut your stinking trap! 189 00:12:58,043 --> 00:13:02,207 People Magazine says, "He's Lamb Chop with an attitude." 190 00:13:02,381 --> 00:13:04,372 Where's my headcheese? 191 00:13:04,550 --> 00:13:06,518 Why don't you check behind the eggs. 192 00:13:06,786 --> 00:13:08,378 Why don't you... 193 00:13:08,554 --> 00:13:10,419 Shut your stinking trap! 194 00:13:10,589 --> 00:13:13,888 Entertainment Weekly calls him, "Archie Bunker with pink hair." 195 00:13:14,059 --> 00:13:20,521 I will not have a blubber-chewing igloo jockey rubbing noses with my daughter! 196 00:13:21,300 --> 00:13:23,495 What do I look like? A baby seal? 197 00:13:23,669 --> 00:13:26,695 LIFE magazine says, "It's like Married... with Children with heart. " 198 00:13:26,872 --> 00:13:31,400 If you do that, I will dig a hole and bury you alive! 199 00:13:31,577 --> 00:13:33,477 Bye! 200 00:13:33,646 --> 00:13:36,376 - Who was that, honey? - My mom. 201 00:13:36,549 --> 00:13:40,144 Also starring Norman Fell as crazy Uncle Charlie. 202 00:13:40,319 --> 00:13:42,879 Here's the juicer you wanted. What are you gonna make? 203 00:13:43,255 --> 00:13:46,588 Idiot juice. Now, jump in. 204 00:13:49,428 --> 00:13:54,695 And Time Magazine asks, "Sock puppet or comic genius?" 205 00:13:55,734 --> 00:13:57,497 Shut your stinking traps! 206 00:13:57,970 --> 00:14:01,770 And we say, " This sock will warm more than your feet. " 207 00:14:01,941 --> 00:14:05,775 Honey, your stinking trap is the greatest. 208 00:14:05,945 --> 00:14:09,642 Skank. Something on Fox smells funny. 209 00:14:20,759 --> 00:14:22,158 ESPN... 210 00:14:23,929 --> 00:14:25,829 ... and the World Tennis Organization... 211 00:14:28,033 --> 00:14:30,866 ... present a different kind of made-for-cable movie. 212 00:14:31,036 --> 00:14:32,230 In a city full of crime... 213 00:14:32,404 --> 00:14:34,201 - Shut up! Shut up! - No! 214 00:14:34,373 --> 00:14:37,035 - ... he's serving up justice. - Give up the purse. 215 00:14:40,980 --> 00:14:44,780 Tennis star Andre Agassi is taking it to the net in: 216 00:14:44,950 --> 00:14:47,145 Advantage Agassi. 217 00:14:47,353 --> 00:14:50,254 With Armand Assante as the evil drug lord, Ramirez. 218 00:14:50,422 --> 00:14:52,890 Blow him away. 219 00:14:53,225 --> 00:14:55,523 Ernie Hudson as Captain Willie Jones. 220 00:14:55,694 --> 00:14:57,594 Damn it, Agassi, you're out of bounds! 221 00:14:57,830 --> 00:14:58,922 Turn in your racket. 222 00:14:59,164 --> 00:15:00,995 Fine. 223 00:15:01,166 --> 00:15:05,000 And introducing Martina Navratilova as Cyborg 40 Love. 224 00:15:05,170 --> 00:15:07,866 Tennis, anyone? 225 00:15:08,307 --> 00:15:12,505 He's fully endorsed and ready for action. But in a game of doubles... 226 00:15:12,678 --> 00:15:13,975 This is a game of doubles! 227 00:15:14,246 --> 00:15:16,737 ... he's been playing singles way too long. 228 00:15:16,916 --> 00:15:19,077 You've played singles way too long. 229 00:15:19,351 --> 00:15:25,449 Now there's word on the street that that showoff, Agassi, is back in the game. 230 00:15:25,624 --> 00:15:30,926 So the word on the street is that that showoff, Agassi, is back in the game. 231 00:15:31,096 --> 00:15:33,656 And this time, he's got his court reserved. 232 00:15:33,832 --> 00:15:36,665 I'm so sorry, but I've got this court reserved now. 233 00:15:38,470 --> 00:15:41,701 He's in top form, but there are no byes in this tournament. 234 00:15:41,874 --> 00:15:45,310 And he's facing his toughest opponent ever. 235 00:15:48,948 --> 00:15:51,781 Just don't tell him his backhand needs work. 236 00:15:51,951 --> 00:15:53,885 Your backhand needs work! 237 00:15:56,388 --> 00:15:59,050 Andre Agassi in his dramatic cable debut: 238 00:15:59,224 --> 00:16:01,055 Advantage Agassi. 239 00:16:01,226 --> 00:16:02,420 Advantage Agassi. 240 00:16:02,895 --> 00:16:06,524 Have a nice set, Mr. Agassi. 241 00:16:16,308 --> 00:16:18,071 Advantage Agassi. 242 00:16:18,243 --> 00:16:22,873 A high-strung, grand slam, scruffy-faced, blind judge, groundstroke winner. 243 00:16:23,716 --> 00:16:27,482 We're back, and we're riding around Hollywood in a fantasy tour bus. 244 00:16:27,653 --> 00:16:29,746 Anyway, I thought we'd go to my video diary. 245 00:16:29,922 --> 00:16:32,686 Okay, pray tell, what is your video diary, man? 246 00:16:32,858 --> 00:16:35,588 It's excerpts from my life that I've taped over the years. 247 00:16:35,761 --> 00:16:40,755 Tonight we're gonna show when I was 16, I went to my first Van Halen concert. 248 00:16:40,933 --> 00:16:42,298 We'll just watch it over here. 249 00:16:42,468 --> 00:16:45,096 - You feel like Pauly Shore right now? - Don't say that. 250 00:16:45,270 --> 00:16:46,828 I'm trying to just do a show. 251 00:16:47,006 --> 00:16:48,598 - So I watch right here? - Yeah. 252 00:16:48,774 --> 00:16:51,470 - But there's nothing here. - I know. Just pretend, okay? 253 00:16:51,643 --> 00:16:54,441 I'm really not doing Pauly Shore, am I? 254 00:16:54,613 --> 00:16:59,175 Actually, Pauly Shore's not bad. Teenagers need a new Ernest. 255 00:17:01,353 --> 00:17:04,652 Okay, hello, video diary. It's August 12, 1982. 256 00:17:04,823 --> 00:17:09,283 I'm sorry. I can't talk because I got to get to the Van Halen concert. 257 00:17:09,461 --> 00:17:12,794 That's right. General admission seating! 258 00:17:14,400 --> 00:17:16,231 Did I mention who I'm going with? 259 00:17:16,402 --> 00:17:17,391 Sarah Dalton. 260 00:17:17,569 --> 00:17:20,936 Yes! I don't know how it happened, but I am going with Sarah Dalton. 261 00:17:21,106 --> 00:17:23,472 She is coming with me. 262 00:17:23,642 --> 00:17:26,975 Actually, she's gonna meet me there by the snack stand. 263 00:17:27,146 --> 00:17:31,480 I'm getting there early, stake out ground for us to have an intimate moment. 264 00:17:31,650 --> 00:17:37,646 And then when Eddie V. Is ripping into his wicked solo on "Jamie's Cryin"'... 265 00:17:37,823 --> 00:17:40,018 ...that's when I make my little move on Sarah. 266 00:17:40,192 --> 00:17:44,720 We're gonna have a good, good time. Sarah. Sarah! 267 00:17:44,897 --> 00:17:47,866 Ben, you better hurry up if you want to get a good spot. 268 00:17:48,033 --> 00:17:53,403 Well, I gotta go, because I have to meet a certain person at a certain concert. 269 00:17:55,507 --> 00:17:58,169 Rock 'n' roll is here to stay. 270 00:18:03,015 --> 00:18:05,882 It's me again, and... 271 00:18:07,352 --> 00:18:11,618 All I can say is, you know, if you have your blanket down... 272 00:18:11,790 --> 00:18:14,190 ...that means that's where you're sitting. 273 00:18:14,359 --> 00:18:18,227 And you shouldn't lose your spot when you go to the bathroom. 274 00:18:19,598 --> 00:18:22,294 I kept... You know, nobody owns grass. 275 00:18:22,701 --> 00:18:24,931 You looked like you'd been at one of my concerts. 276 00:18:25,104 --> 00:18:27,299 - I know, it's... - I mean, you looked good. 277 00:18:27,473 --> 00:18:30,203 I forgot about that end part. It was really bad. 278 00:18:30,375 --> 00:18:32,707 You know, your show misses one thing. 279 00:18:32,878 --> 00:18:33,867 What's that? 280 00:18:34,046 --> 00:18:37,106 Sketches with me in it. I had an idea. I thought maybe... 281 00:18:37,282 --> 00:18:41,616 No, listen. I thought maybe like we could be Wayne and Garth. 282 00:18:41,787 --> 00:18:44,779 Or Garth and Wayne, whichever one you want to be. 283 00:18:44,957 --> 00:18:46,857 They've done that on Saturday Night Live. 284 00:18:47,025 --> 00:18:50,893 It'd be you and me as Wayne and Garth, and then I thought, at the end... 285 00:18:51,063 --> 00:18:54,499 ...you ask me something, and I go, "Not!" I think that would be funny. 286 00:18:54,666 --> 00:18:57,066 That's great. I think we should think about it. 287 00:18:57,236 --> 00:18:59,932 I love when I hear somebody say, "Not." I think that's funny. 288 00:19:00,105 --> 00:19:02,505 We'll be right back, and we'll work on that. 289 00:19:02,674 --> 00:19:04,539 Not! 290 00:19:05,043 --> 00:19:07,705 Kids, here's a way to phone your favorite new TV star... 291 00:19:07,913 --> 00:19:10,040 ... and have your parents foot the bill. 292 00:19:10,315 --> 00:19:12,306 Someone answer the stinking phone! 293 00:19:12,684 --> 00:19:14,777 That's right! Exciting, live and uncensored... 294 00:19:14,953 --> 00:19:18,320 ... one-on-one conversations with Skank himself! 295 00:19:18,490 --> 00:19:19,980 What are you wearing, sweetie? 296 00:19:20,425 --> 00:19:22,325 Only $3.95 for the first minute. 297 00:19:22,594 --> 00:19:24,459 Quick, go get your mommy's credit card. 298 00:19:24,730 --> 00:19:26,721 Call now. Skank is waiting. 299 00:19:26,965 --> 00:19:28,865 Where's she usually keep her stinking purse? 300 00:19:29,234 --> 00:19:34,194 Call 1-900- 123-SYST That's 1-900... 301 00:19:34,406 --> 00:19:36,374 Shut your stinking trap! 302 00:19:49,721 --> 00:19:53,157 We got a match that this is a witch out here, so we're gonna check it out. 303 00:19:53,625 --> 00:19:56,321 Constable, I heard cries of a witch. 304 00:19:56,495 --> 00:19:58,986 - Where? - By the Miller farm by the ridge. 305 00:20:00,399 --> 00:20:04,733 - I can't hear you! I can't hear you! - She's a witch! 306 00:20:04,903 --> 00:20:06,564 - Who the hell are you? - Shut up! 307 00:20:06,738 --> 00:20:09,104 Good sir, this woman is the spawn of Satan. 308 00:20:09,274 --> 00:20:11,003 - You're a liar. - Hang on a second. 309 00:20:11,176 --> 00:20:13,144 First of all, who are you? 310 00:20:13,312 --> 00:20:15,303 - Hey, Johnny! - I got him! I got him! 311 00:20:16,481 --> 00:20:17,470 Come back! 312 00:20:17,649 --> 00:20:20,209 - You got a kid, right? Right? - Yes, sir. 313 00:20:20,385 --> 00:20:24,321 What happens to the kid you get burned at the stake? Who takes care of the kid? 314 00:20:24,489 --> 00:20:27,083 - I swear, sir, I am not a witch. - Beelzebub? 315 00:20:29,561 --> 00:20:31,722 Ask her about the blood. She was drinking blood! 316 00:20:31,897 --> 00:20:34,525 - Liar! - Hey, hotshot. Step it back. 317 00:20:34,700 --> 00:20:35,689 Step off. 318 00:20:35,867 --> 00:20:37,494 - All right, watch him. - He... 319 00:20:37,669 --> 00:20:39,569 Shut up. Shut up! 320 00:20:39,738 --> 00:20:42,298 Your buddy here says this woman's a simple prostitute... 321 00:20:42,474 --> 00:20:44,032 ...and you were refusing to pay. 322 00:20:44,243 --> 00:20:46,507 Of course he'd say that. He's a witch too. 323 00:20:46,678 --> 00:20:49,511 - That is a lie! - Shut up! 324 00:20:49,681 --> 00:20:50,943 - Arrest him! - Shut up! 325 00:20:51,183 --> 00:20:55,415 I don't think you're a witch, but when a complaint's filed, it's up to the magistrate. 326 00:20:55,587 --> 00:21:00,024 - They're witches, all of them. - I wish I were a witch. I'd hex you! 327 00:21:00,459 --> 00:21:02,051 Everything will turn out all right. 328 00:21:02,227 --> 00:21:05,196 We'll take them to the village, put them in a cauldron of water. 329 00:21:05,364 --> 00:21:08,231 If they drown, we know they weren't witches. 330 00:21:09,234 --> 00:21:11,600 - I missed my kid's birthday again. - Jeez! 331 00:21:13,205 --> 00:21:16,538 That's it. We're about out of time. I'd like to thank Bobcat Goldthwait. 332 00:21:16,708 --> 00:21:19,233 - It was a pleasure meeting you. - You were great. 333 00:21:19,411 --> 00:21:22,380 I was great? I didn't even do anything. 334 00:21:22,547 --> 00:21:24,913 You didn't put me in a sketch. All I did was talk. 335 00:21:25,083 --> 00:21:26,550 That was... Next time, you can... 336 00:21:26,718 --> 00:21:30,051 - How about I direct? Let me direct. - No, Bob. That's funny. 337 00:21:30,222 --> 00:21:33,157 - Give the guy back the camera. - No, go ahead. 338 00:21:33,325 --> 00:21:36,385 Bob, it's not my camera, okay. It's a rental. 339 00:21:36,561 --> 00:21:41,430 Bob! Can somebody...? Come on! Bob! 340 00:21:42,034 --> 00:21:44,730 Give me the camera! 341 00:21:47,506 --> 00:21:50,532 Hey, you, come here. 342 00:21:51,410 --> 00:21:52,604 Come here. 343 00:21:52,778 --> 00:21:54,678 Shut your trap! 344 00:21:54,846 --> 00:21:56,814 - I am not a witch. - She was drinking blood. 345 00:21:56,982 --> 00:21:58,574 - Ask about the blood. - That's a lie. 346 00:21:58,750 --> 00:22:00,615 Hey, hotshot. Back it off, all right? 347 00:22:00,786 --> 00:22:03,311 I want a statement out of you, I'll get it. 348 00:22:03,488 --> 00:22:06,321 All right, you got an old man? Someone you shacked up with? 349 00:22:06,491 --> 00:22:08,982 - No, sir. - And cut. 350 00:22:09,161 --> 00:22:10,753 Don't worry about my past. 351 00:22:10,929 --> 00:22:13,329 That stuff's behind me. I'm not doing that anymore. 352 00:22:13,498 --> 00:22:15,432 - Thank you. Thank you. - I'm not violent. 353 00:22:15,600 --> 00:22:18,660 No, it's not "thank you." This is my show, and I'm gonna do it. 354 00:22:18,837 --> 00:22:21,271 - Or I'm gonna take it. Who wants a...? - Security! 355 00:22:21,440 --> 00:22:24,273 Security, I'll get you too. You'll never take me alive! 356 00:22:24,443 --> 00:22:27,537 This is my show! I want it! I want it! 357 00:22:27,813 --> 00:22:29,781 Colonel Qaddafi, he's the head of a country. 358 00:22:29,948 --> 00:22:32,280 Pretty stupid. He makes himself a colonel. 359 00:22:32,451 --> 00:22:34,351 I move my head and I... 360 00:22:34,586 --> 00:22:38,613 Yeah, you with the bald head, I'm getting the glare. It's like, hello. 361 00:22:38,790 --> 00:22:42,385 You can't fool us. He's combing it over, saying, "Hey, nobody will know." 362 00:22:52,237 --> 00:22:53,795 - That's a good one. - And cut. 363 00:22:57,609 --> 00:22:58,598 [ENGLISH] 364 00:22:58,648 --> 00:23:03,198 Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0 30101

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