Original subtitles

PRIVATE FIRE FIGHTING AND PREVENTION CORPS

Attention! At ease!

Remember: discipline, discipline, discipline!

Fall out! Off you go, at the double. Hurry! Come on!

- Listen, Dad - - - What's up?

- Excuse me, Dad. - Speak up, son!

You had promised me, Dad, that - -

Listen, you'll marry my daughter because my wife promised...

...and so did yours truly who is a man of his word.

But stop calling me Dad with that schoolboy's face of yours,

or I'll kill you and my daughter will marry someone else, OK?

Don't worry, Sergeant. I like your daughter and will gladly marry her.

You're from the South. I'd rather kill her too.

- What was it you wanted? - That slogan is too left-wing.

I suggest altering it like this.

I'm right when I say you're a pea-brained idiot.

The slogan: "Fire fighters of the world unite!" means...

"join forces all over the world putting out fires".

- When there are fires to put out. - What are you saying, Giannarini?

Seeing there are no fires in Viggil': there's no point in having a mascot

That's true. The only luck she brings us is bad luck.

- She keeps fires away! - What are you suggesting?

Sergeant, you don't need much imagination to understand.

- Roasted with potatoes. - We could turn her into sausages.

- Better still, salami. - Boiled ham.

And blood sausage to eat with sponge-cake.

Neck of pork with truffles!

Skewered chopped liver with croutons!

- Seasoned with sage. - No, with bay leaves.

- Silence! - Who said a word?

Messalina is a mascot and must stay a mascot another 100 years.

- In 100 years, she'll be too tough. - I'm in charge here.

No one's going to eat Messalina. Attention!

- They're coming! Can you hear them? - The firefighters of Viggifl.

When they pass by, everyone is sad.

They make fun of us because we're a private corps.

And we wear polka dot bowties.

Do you want to have it out with a mere kid?

Sergeant, they aren't mere kids.

Behave now, boys. Enough is enough!

- Hydrants up, hydrants down. - I'll show him!

Go back inside, all of you...

- ...and stay calm. - I'll fix them!

They've been making fun of us for months with that song,

but we mustn't lose our heads,

because the main characteristic of a fireman...

- A firefighter! - For a firefighter - -

- Remember you have to pay a fine. - Fine! Fine! I'll pay up.

Believe me, the hour of our rebellion is near,

and we'll obtain complete satisfaction.

Let no one doubt that I'm a man of character, a strong individual,

because I acknowledge only five things in this world:

fire which triggers thirst, Barbera wine which quenches it,

and women, women, women - -

When I say "women", I'm referring to only one. My wife. Attention!

- You're playing the clown as usual. - Sure, honey.

Get back to work.

So, you've decided. When are you leaving?

I don't know when they'll give me a leave of absence.

Do you need a leave to go and look for your daughter?

- Be quiet! - But it's two months since that...

silly girl ran away from boarding school. The whole town's gossiping.

The only one who know nothing is that idiot who wants to marry her.

- Good evening, Mom. - Good evening, moron.

If you don't find your daughter, don't bother coming home.

You'll have to live at the fire station and sleep with a hydrant.

The ones who sing that song are right.

- Listen, Gaetana - - - Gaetana's heard enough.

Farewell, fireman of Viggifl.

- Come on, guys! Get back to work. - Just a moment, Sergeant.

Pleasure comes before duty.

- You must buy us a bottle of wine. - Why?

You said "fireman" instead of firefighter.

You're right. But you must pay the penalty for saying it too.

Very well. I'll pay up.

- Listen, you moron. - Yes, Dad?

Go and buy two bottles of Barbera wine.

Three, because your wife said fireman too.

- So did you! - Then it's four bottles!

- How will I pay for them, Dad? - Put them on your tab.

Very well, Dad.

They take advantage of me because I work as a fireman out of love.

- Five! - Very well. Five.

- It's best not to say "fireman". - Six!

I give in!

Sergeant, allow me to ask you a question.

You were born in Rome but in Naples ll Mattino is a morning paper,

while in Milan, the moral capital of the nation,

this daily comes out in the morning but is called "Evening Courier"?

In the old days, the morning paper that came out in the afternoon...

...was put back to evening because in the afternoon - -

- Goodness, gracious me! - Has war broken out?

- Is there some big political storm? - It's something to do with theater.

The sergeant has the theater in his blood.

Our sergeant was a real hero when he worked in a theater.

Don't talk nonsense. Perching on a ladder 100 meters up with flames

all around or with bullets flying is something nor everyone can do,

but where you need real courage is in the wings of a theater...

...where before your very eyes and under your nose,

those perfumed dancers...

- ...walk by with very little on. - Scantily clad.

- In the nude. In the nude!

Long legs and all!

Incredible! I must change.

Bring me my helmet and uniform tie, my belt and my motorbike.

I have to go. It's the last show tonight. My tie! Dressed like this,

they'll take me for a policeman and they'll let me in.

Guys, make sure my wife doesn't get to hear about it,

- otherwise, I'll be done for. - The Barbera will be here soon.

Make sure my daughter's fiance doesn't find out where I've gone.

Sergeant, are you going to leave us here alone?

Honor and duty leave me no choice. Guys, give me a push.

- What if there's a fire here? - There's never been a fire here.

Study! You're just as bad as your father.

Mummy, there's a fire!

Oh, at last! That's wonderful.

It's only a little one but it's better than nothing.

Viggil': now has a fire of its own.

- It'll be a job for your father. - Here's some water, Mummy.

Where do you think you're going? Stay right there. Are you crazy?

It's up to your father to put out the fire.

Laughter, approval and applause were the reaction to...

...an amusing parody of the famous song "The Firefighters of Viggifl".

- Disgraceful! - They even sing it in the theater?

- That's why he left in a hurry. - In fact he said so himself.

Honor and duty leave me no choice.

What courage! Alone, surrounded by the enemy.

Guys...let's go!

You take that one.

What are you doing? Where are you going?

- Oh, the Barbera wine! - What should I do?

You stay here and woe behind you if the sergeant's wife...

...finds out he's gone to the theater in Milan.

Let's go!

Come on! Hurry! Sorry to disturb you.

Please excuse us.

Come on!

No, I'll sit here. Let's not waste time switching places.

Sorry! Good evening! It's Cecilia

- I noticed. - She's here too, alone.

How I long to see,

How I long to know,

Do we want to open the box or not?

You have to do like this.

That's the Parisian way.

I come from Paris where the people are chic.

The French with their rolled R's and a beret on their head.

Let me explain: the Trianon and the Eiffel Tower,

Place Pigalle, Charles De Gaulle.

Over there are the Bastille, and the Moulin Rouge,

the Versailles Treaty and other little things.

When I left, everyone asked me

to bring you greetings from Paris.

Greetings from Sartre who spends his evenings in Montmartre,

from Jean Cocteau and Jean Marais.

Duvivier greets you. Charles Boyer greets you.

Renoir, Jouvet, Gabin, Marcel Carné.

Greetings from Josephine who amazed the whole of Italy,

but who dropped her spaghetti while crossing the courtyard.

Regards Josephine Baker,

she told me a very cute story.

There are 3 friends, an Englishman, a Frenchman and a Belgian...

...who are talking about their respective, very thin wives.

The Englishman says: My wife is so thin...

...she can make an evening dress with one of my ties.

The Frenchman says: That's nothing. Mine's so thin that the other day

I arrived in the bathroom just in time to grab her by the hair

to stop her falling down the plug hole in the bathtub.

The Belgian says: That's nothing.

My wife's so thin! When we went to the country the other day...

...to eat some cherries, she ate one with the stone in it.

When we came back to town, a friend said to me:

Congratulations! I see your wife's expecting again.

Tell us more, tell us more. We're all ears!

Listen! Yesterday, in the street, I saw something very strange.

A man was lying on the ground and another was walking over him...

...counting like this: 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10.

Passing by, I saw this scene. Can't you see you're hurting him?

It's nothing to do with you. He's covered in blood! You'll kill him.

No, he's a friend of mine. I said: Can I count on you? He said: Yes!

Tell us more, tell us more. We're all ears!

Listen! Girls, do you know who invented the conga?

The conga was invented by a man

who had hiccups and walked like this.

Alongside him was his dog who invented the 2nd step of the conga.

Now I'll tell you who invented the boogie-woogie.

- Oh, the boogie-woogie! - It was invented by a man...

...who was sick. The doctor gave him a bottle of medicine.

He drank it all in one go, then noticed the label said:

Shake before taking.

As he'd already taken it, he danced like this.

I'm here on official business.

- Where are the dressing rooms? - Upstairs.

- Upstairs? I'll go up myself. - What's happening?

Sergeant, what's going on? A fire?

- A fire? Where? - Hurry! Do something!

- Where is this fire? - If the sergeant doesn't know - -

- I didn't say a word. - Go back to your places.

- We've already enough confusion. - It's his fault.

I thought you were here for a fire.

I asked where the dressing rooms were 'cause I'm looking for someone

You can't go upstairs. It's quite forbidden.

- There's so much confusion. - I'm here on duty.

Oh, really?

Ready for the third number.

- What's on now? - Carlo Dapportds comedy routine.

- Oh, no! - I knew you wouldn't be pleased.

You're only interested in women... on the stage.

Petronius, Monsieur Verdu, Maurice Chevalier.

- Who's Petronius? - The Ancient Roman. Remember?

Can we turn in now? It's 7 am.

Oh! Turn in without having seen Petronius?

- Who is Petronius? - You don't know who Petronius is?

Shame on you. Petronio is an aesthete. He's so refined.

Look! He's coming! Petronius! How elegant he is!

- We should introduce ourselves. - You're right.

We've been meeting for years in the streets of this crazy Pompeii.

- It's true. - What's your name?

- I already told you, Pomponia. - Pomponia! Right, Pomponia.

You know, for about one semester,

I had a concubine called Lavinia.

I always mixed your name up with hers.

- Really? - Pomponia e Lavinia...

...created such a strange mixture in my brain...

Do you get it? You never get anything.

- Petronio! - My dear Pomponia,

what a pity it is we meet often but never in the place I'd like to be.

- Where? - In my private boudoir,

adorned with black roses that smell of opopanax

Oh, Petronius, black roses that smell of opopanax.

Naturally! Petronius's roses can't be...

...rose-pink roses that smell like roses.

That would be vulgar, common.

Right!

Come and see me one day in my boudoir on the outskirts of town.

- Don't you know I have a fiancé? - Bring him along too.

No, Petronius. He's so anti-social.

If only you knew how dull I find lfind him.

- So you don't like him? - No. He's too masculine.

How well I understand you.

- Good day. - Good day.

- Hello! - Hello!

- You're from here, aren't you? - Yes, we're from Upper Pompeii.

Upper Pompeii? I'm from Upper Bergamo.

I'm from Bergamo!

She thinks I'm from Atalanta!

Up with Atalanta.

- How are you? - Not too bad.

A Prayer.

You're terrible! That's enough!

Did you see how one can snub people? They were offended.

Look how hard he's staring at me.

I'll leave you now. Goodbye.

- Petronius, what class! - Naturally!

I'm the aristocratic Petronius,

the dandy of ancient times.

I spend a fortune on clothes

since I love to appear eccentric.

I wear lots of pendants and necklaces...

...which give me a certain extra touch,

I have crazy tastes and strange habits.

I have the world at my feet.

Petronius's footwear and tunics,

Petronius's belts and underwear.

With my vermilion tunic that reaches my ankles...

...and my candlewick stole that I bought in Ventimiglia,

I love to eat and drink heartily. I shock every family.

People are amazed at me and take me for a madman.

But then if I drink tar...

...even those who are hungry...

...drink some, like me.

I love growing my roses,

fertilizing them and watering them.

I love poisoning my wives,

skinning them and scalping them.

I'm not Bluebeard. I'm proud of my virtues.

I'm Monsieur Verdun

Missy, Missy, Missy...

...you're so pretty!

If you'd like to come with me,

I can offer you a cup of tea.

A cup of tea full...

...of my poison...

...with a splash...

...of nitroglycerine.

Who wants to return to America? Why should I?

America is in Italy, it's like America here.

You see huge cars in the street, there's confusion everywhere,

This country's a factory of sunshine and millions.

Women are very affectionate.

They hardly ever say "No".

I've nothing to gain in leaving Italy.

I'll never go back to that country.

Who wants to return to America? Why should I?

America's in Italy, it's like America here.

I want to sing you

a vaudeville song...

...because between performers and regular spectators...

...a certain feeling has surfaced and it's a rather friendly one.

I want to sing for you...

...a nice sweet song.

This refrain belongs to me and you.

I'm a vaudeville performer.

Ladies and gentlemen, goodbye!

- What confusion! - Is Fiamma here?

- What? - I came here for her.

- Where is Fiamma? - You're still talking about flames!

No flames! No fire! Got that? With all the confusion this evening!

What are you talking about? Fiamma is my daughter.

- Fiamma? - Yes?

- Are you a marquis's daughter? - Yes. Why?

Your father, the marquis, is waiting for you downstairs.

Dressed as a fire brigade sergeant.

What indecency! I don't know why they allow it...

...especially nowadays.

Please don't act like an idiot. Stop that!

In Mexico life is joyous...

...for a man who has money to spend.

Mexico, the smell of your petrol...

...is good for the heart because it smells like the sea.

- We're here in official capacity. - Can't you see my tie?

- How many of you are there? - Two thousand.

Two thousand? Director?

- More firemen? - The right word is firefightrs.

- We're the firefighters of Viggifl. - What company do you belong to?

The Viggil': company.

Ha! Hydrants up, hydrants down. Hydrants here, hydrants there.

You've even brought your pig along.

Be quiet now. You'll come on stage for the grand finale.

Hydrants up, hydrants- - What confusion this evening!

Everyone's dancing the boogie woogie.

Now, you're overdoing it! I'll throw this binoculars away.

Everyone's dancing the boogie woogie.

Everyone's dancing the boogie woogie, the latest jazz fad.

The last jazz fad.

- I must watch the show. - But it's forbidden

Don't worry. Women find uniforms glamorous.

I'm not a man, or a fire fighter. I'm a father. Let me go.

Do what you like here but you can't go upstairs. It's forbidden.

- I'll call the police inspector. - I'll call the police inspector.

- At your orders! - We'll break this place up!

You're all here! What about my wife?

You wanted the honor all for yourself, didn't you?

- For the pleasure. - The glory.

- The satisfaction. - What glory are you talking about?

I assure you that what's important to you is important to us too.

- I see. So you know - - - Yes.

It's scandalous. Listen, I'm leaving!

Together, we'll prevent them from singing that song.

You must help me save Fiamma from the dangers of the stage.

- We're all here! - The more the merrier!

No, quite the opposite. We must split up.

You two keep an eye on the show. If necessary, raise the alarm.

You two try to find out who that scoundrel making fun of us is.

You two guard the exits. The other two - -

- There aren't two others. - Fine. I order you to stay here

If my daughter wants to go by, she'll do so over your dead bodies.

As for me, I know what I must do.

You come with me.

Give me the powder puff, please. I really needed this, this evening!

Talk to him! Convince him. Your father isn't a cannibal.

Yes I am. I won't only eat my daughter,

but I'll also eat you, the manager and all the performers.

- How did you get up here, Daddy? - It was a piece of cake.

I'm an expert firefighter. Don't let go of that rope!

I won't but hurry because I can't hold on much longer.

Daddy, don't be so old-fashioned. Let me go.

You ungrateful daughter! You're asking me to let you go.

I'll never say the words "let go".

- What happened, Sergeant? - You fool! Why did you let go?

Don't offend me. You shouted: Let go! so I did.

I wasn't talking to you.

- Let me through. - No way!

- Come on! Act nice! - Only over out dead bodies.

- I have to come through. - It's forbidden.

Be kind. Let me through.

- Come on! - Oh, very well. Come through.

Go on! Nobody saw you.

- Excuse me. - You can't come through.

It's carnival time, if we play at making love.

Because when it's carnival, all practical jokes are allowed.

It's carnival, no one suffers any more.

It's the festival of youth.

Up with the carnival ball that puts everyone in a good mood.

Up with the singing of songs and the party favors.

If you want to sing and look at every woman,

wait for carnival time.

Just one kiss

amid the ripening wheat...

...brings on a passionate tremor

in every heart.

Just one kiss

with burning passion,

under the sun that inebriates hearts and minds.

It's so sweet to kiss, with racing heart,

in boudoirs and corn fields.

Falling asleep and dreaming

of the man you didn't kiss in vain.

My dearest love,

my burning passion,

among the ears of wheat, love is wonderful and overrides everything.

Just one kiss

among the ripening wheat.

My dearest love.

- Where's the sergeant? - He fell.

- He is getting medicated. - On his head?

No, he didn't land on his head, but on his - -

Stop making this racket! This is your last warning.

All showbiz people are so edgy.

And you Southerners aren't?

This really is a great show. What's next? Hotel Thieves.

- Anything else, sir? - No thank you. You can go.

Oh! Tell the porter to give me a wake-up call tomorrow at 7am.

- I don't want to miss my train. - Don't worry. I'll tell him.

- Good night. - Good night, Miss.

This is interesting. Take a look.

- Come on out! - Please let me go, sir.

- You're not a man. - No, I'm a woman. Let me go.

- Why are you dressed like this? - Please don't call the police.

- The police? - I'm a poor hotel thief.

Hotel thief.

Imagine! I have before me a genuine hotel thief.

Let me look at you. Cute!

- You go around dressed like this? - Yes, I do, sir.

I'm the last descendant of a great family of hotel thieves.

You're a pretty thief. A very pretty thief.

Beneath this thief's garb beats the heart of an honest woman.

It depends on what you mean by honest.

My work has nothing to do with it. I do it with dignity and decorum.

You're free to call the police. I'll try jumping out of the window,

because that's one of our occupational hazards.

But when my honor is on the line, it's a different thing entirely.

I'm a married woman, a faithful wife.

Act ll, Scene 40. You said that line well.

Please hide me, sir.

What kind of a joke is this?

- You're a hotel thief. - A lousy hotel thief.

It's a terrible profession. It's becoming impossible.

- I can see that. - I beg you not to call the police.

Stand up!

Just look at how you're dressed.

There's nothing to laugh at. You can't judge a book by its cover.

Bravo! You've even the courage to joke about it.

You think you can make me laugh, but I'm not laughing.

Thank the Lord that you found me in a good mood.

But now, I'm telling you enough is enough!

Sir, I'm the last descendant of a great family of hotel thieves.

- If you want to call the police-- - I can handle you on my own.

Now you're the one trying to be funny. You want to make me laugh,

but I'm not laughing. Thank the Lord you found me in a good mood.

That's enough! I'm getting out of here and that'll be the end of it.

I don't feel like laughing but you crack me up.

It's not a moment for cracking up. What do you want to crack up about?

- Do you realize how funny you are? - Keep your hands to yourself.

Beneath this hotel thief's garb there's an honest man.

I've already heard this.

I practice my profession as a thief with dignity and decorum.

You're free to call the police.

I'll try jumping from the window since we're on the ground floor.

But when my honor is on the line it's a different thing entirely.

I'm a married man, a faithful husband.

- Well said, dear. - Honey!

The strangest things happen to me.

What are you doing here?

We'd planned to hit room 14.

I came on ahead to save you time.

- How sweet of you! - How sweet she is!

Don't stand on ceremony. If you like I can sleep in another room.

- Thank you. - Do have a seat.

That's very kind. I'll be glad to sit down since I'm feeling tired.

- You're tired? - Tired and downhearted.

I've visited 4 or 5 rooms without finding anything.

It's terrible! Burglaries are becoming impossible.

Since the wartime bombing raids, light sleepers wake up immediately.

Naturally! Why haven't you changed jobs?

What should I become, a politician?

We belong to a great family of hotel thieves.

Imagine! Once, at the Hotel Ritz in Paris,

my mother managed to get into the Shah of Persia's room.

Did she steal anything?

This splendid pearl necklace I wear all the time.

For fear of thieves. We're really frightened of being robbed.

I can understand that. Beautiful necklace. Priceless too!

- That one? It's worth a fortune. - Why don't you sell it?

- We haven't found a buyer. - A buyer? It's a souvenir...

- ...Mummy and the Shah. - It's not for sale.

We're starving but the necklace is not for sale. It's a souvenir.

But it was a lucky strike..

We don't know whether it was a lucky strike,

because her mother never told us

what went on in the Shah's room.

- A professional secret! - Show respect for my mother.

- Of course I show respect for her. - Don't get hot and bothered.

- She's always scolding me. - You're barking up the wrong tree.

Don't you realize that nowadays, people rob banks in broad daylight,

- in full view of everybody. - You're telling me? You should...

tell her. She's so attached to tradition, to her caste.

We'll have to eat that caste!

There are university students

who steal wallets from passersby...

at noon, in front of the police headquarters...

while we're still going around in leotards carrying a flashlight.

- We don't stand a chance. - He's right.

Turn off the lights.

What a great night!

- Hello! - Who are these people?

- These are our children. - Two grown up and one still a child

- Bow to the gentleman. - Pleased to meet you.

Dad, you got nowhere again this evening.

You cheeky boy! You dare to make fun of me.

- Stay calm! - "You got nowhere."

- What did you manage to do? - We sneaked into a baroness's room.

- And? - All three of you?

Naturally. These two dummies always stick to me like glue.

We went into the room and no one was there.

I opened the wardrobe and found the baroness...

...who was hiding so as to play a joke on us.

What stupid jokes these aristocrats play.

She could have given the poor guy a heart attack.

Then she said: "Is it Carnival ?" and burst out laughing.

Then she gave some candy to Tonino and said: "That's enough!"

Go and joke around in the garden.

You've made me laugh so much. And she threw us out.

That's it?

This amateur has the cheek to criticize his father's work.

- Don't be angry with him - I can't take it any more.

This family is ruined. If we continue to work as hotel...

thieves, we'll all starve to death.

- Calm down. - Quit telling me to calm down.

If you don't calm down, I'll be the one to get nervous.

- Please sir, don't call the police. - We've been through that routine.

There are two important things to be done.

I must go back to bed and you must change jobs.

- What do you suggest we do? - First, take off these rags.

- They serve no purpose. - Never!

- Let him finish. - You need to get hold of some guns.

Do you have any weapons?

Hotel thieves with guns? They'd burn our hands.

- You need them to burn your hands. - We need them to burn our hands.

- Or you'll never be successful. - Or we'll never be successful.

Sir, beneath the garb of this hotel thief lies an honest - -

We've already done that routine.

First your mother, then me. Now, you're at it.

Listen to me, otherwise you'll always go to bed hungry.

Sir you're free to call the police. If you do, I'll try jumping out - -

- We've already said that. - They've already said that.

- Who are you smacking? - No one.

There's no need to shout.

This miniature hotel thief dares to answer his father back.

You're 5 people from the same family. Go and work on a provincial

-road, where so many cars pass by. - We're afraid to do that.

You just have to use that old phrase: "Hands up!"

All you need is a machine gun, a shot gun, a revolver.

I'll show you how it's done. Hands up!

- What? - Hands up!

- Hands up! - Lady, give me that necklace.

Give it to him. We've found a buyer for it.

- Thanks. Now you give me that ring. - You want my ring.

You act like a life-long thief!

- Now, get out of here! - How skilful he is!

- Come on! Get moving! - You'd make a perfect thief!

- You can't come in. - I'm here on official business.

- Who are you with that face? - I'm a firefighter from Viggifl.

- There are too many of you. Out! - You tell him, Mom.

You've misunderstood. He really is a firefighter from Viggifl,

and I'm the wife of the sergeant of the firefighters of Viggifl.

And I'm Giuseppe Garibaldi. Get out!

You must all leave.

- I'm having a lot of fun. - And we'd come to stop the show!

Why not dream?

Why not hope...

I can see you again, for a moment...

...and murmur to you again

with all my heart?

Of you, my first love, of you, my great love

I can still feel your first bold kisses.

Your simple words

live on in me.

But where are you, splendid passion...

...that should make my heart beat fast?

I ask you for a gentle caress...

...and one more of your kisses.

Why not dream?

Why not hope...

I can see you again for a moment,

murmur to you again with all my heart?

Please take me back.

- They're for the star of the show. - You can't go in.

- Let me through. - This is for you.

I'm going to find my husband, slap his face and I'll be right back.

I'm going exploring down that way. Don't move from here.

Oh, Lord! How disgraceful!

- Carmelo! He's fainted. - Madam - -

- What are you doing here? - We'll explain afterwards.

Very well. But now help him.

Poor boy! Put him down here.

Goodness! What's Messalina doing here? What's going on this evening?

- We'll explain everything later. - Yes, later.

He's not coming round. We need some smelling salts.

Don't move! I'll be right back. There's nothing to see. Go away!

Because of this idiot, we'll miss the show.

Where am I?

- Here I am. How's he feeling? - Fine!

- He's sleeping like a baby. - Like a baby!

Thank goodness!

- What pretty girls! - What a cute guy!

- What's next? - We're going have a good laugh.

- Is it a woman? - No, a man.

- But that's a woman. - Be quiet!

Hello? Hello? Oh, it's you.

No, dear, I'm always happy to hear your voice, but I'm so worked up.

Everything! We've sold everything: the house, the car, the furs.

We've set up house here in the store.

No, it's not empty. There are still the dummies and the fabrics.

But everything's been impounded and tomorrow will be auctioned off.

Him? The poor man is still out trying to raise some money.

You remember he was keen on spiritism? Just a moment.

I thought I'd heard someone.

I can assure you it's no fun living with a loser of a husband...

...who's always sitting at a table calling up spirits.

Very well. I hope so.

By the way, did you know I have an admirer?

He's been following me everywhere for several days.

He's courting me persistently.

He's not exactly an Adonis.

All right. I'll follow your advice. Bye!

- Hello! - What are you doing? Are you mad?

- Yes, I'm mad---madly in love.

Don't you realize my husband could turn up any minute?

Don't you know he's very jealous? He's exasperated and armed.

- He'll cut you to pieces. - What does it matter?

One piece more, one piece less. What's it worth...

...when there's a passionate love like the one I feel for you?

- You don't even know me. - That's what you think.

- You know me? - Not everything, but almost.

If it weren't for that fish, I'd know everything about you.

- Never mind. I'm here now. - But weren't you afraid?

- Weren't you scared? - No. I carry salt for good luck.

My husband's coming back!

- Yes, it's my husband. - Shall we flee?

- It's too late. - What'll we do?

You see you're scared? Then why did you say you're never scared?

I say all kinds of things. Saying is one thing, being is another.

- You must hide. - Where can I hide?

- I don't know. - I do. Under your dress.

- No way! - I've found the ideal place.

We'll trick him. Can you see me?

- Don't be silly. Of course I can. - You shouldn't be able to.

Come here.

- What do you want to do? - Put this on.

- Stand still. - OK, but get rid of him quickly.

Stay perfectly still. Here he is. Don't move, now.

Why have you come back so soon? Were you unsuccessful?

Yes. I went around to see all our friends. It was a waste of time.

All that remains is to call up my father's spirit. He'll help me.

Dad, if you're there, knock.

- Dad - - - Leave off this nonsense.

- What nonsense? - Let's see Commendatore Carletti.

Carletti? I didn't have the courage to speak - -

- Oh, Lord! - What's the matter, dear?

I don't understand. Everything's moving. I feel dizzy.

It's as if everything were spinning around.

- No, dear - - - You suggest going to Carletti?

- Yes, Carletti. - You go and see the Commendatore.

- Me? Why? - I know he's been courting you.

He's more likely to give money to you. Off you go!

Go! But watch out! If you flirt with him, I'll kill you.

I'll kill you, I'll kill him, I'll kill everyone.

I'll carry out a massacre. Go!

Oh, Lord! How dizzy I feel.

I'm already seeing the store filling up with ghosts.

Everyone's moving! Everyone's stirring.

It's as if these dummies were moving too.

They too are haunting me right now.

They were supposed to help me get rich,

but instead, they've helped to ruin me.

How I hate you!

I hate you because no one bought these clothes.

I'd like to give you a smack.

Take that!

You too! Take that!

No! Why should I take it out on them?

What are they guilty of? I'm the one who's failed.

I'm the one who's incompetent.

Here it is - the only solution.

Just one shot and it'll all be over.

Right! Go on! Do it! They told me it's over in a flash.

You just have to put the gun to your head...

...like this. You put the gun to your head.

You feel the cold steel boring into your brain.

Like this! You count to three and then you die.

One, two and - -

It's no good.

I'll never have the courage. I'm too cowardly.

Oh, Lord! I'm getting obsessed again.

Go on! Do it! You've no alternative.

It'll be over in a flash. Come on!

Why is my hand shaking?

I'm afraid I'll only wound myself. If I were to end up in hospital - -

Let's try shooting a dummy first.

- This one. - No!

_ Yes! _ No!

What a time she chose to come back.

Wait a moment!

- Did you get the money? - No, he wasn't in.

He wasn't in? I knew it!

All that remains is to call up my father's spirit once more.

Dad? If you're there, send me a sign.

He's here!

He's here! He answered! I heard a clap.

Oh, Lord! The dummy is moving.

My dad's spirit is in the dummy.

- Yes, it's him. - Dad, is that you?

- Yes. - He said "Yes".

Dad, I thank you for coming.

- I called you up so many times. - I know.

- We're on the verge of ruin. - I know.

Will I find a solution before tomorrow morning?

- Yes. - He said "Yes".

Now, my son, I must go.

- You're leaving? - Spirits cannot stay...

...among the living for long. They'd suffer.

- What a pity. - And I've already suffered enough.

- I understand, Dad, - My son!

- Can I do something for you? - You certainly can.

- What do you want? - Give me a pair of trousers.

The store's all yours. Bring him a bale of fabric.

' D _ boy!

Thank you.

- Is it good quality? - It's pure wool, Dad.

Good! Now my son, give me a kiss.

You too. Hold this. Daughter of mine

Give him a kiss. He's my father.

Come to Daddy.

Why don't you stay a while with us?

I was thinking of doing that.

- Is there enough for a vest too? - No.

- Then give me another piece. - With pleasure! Whatever you want.

- Dad? - Leave me be.

- Do you like this? - Yes, it's very nice.

One last kiss, daughter of mine.

You don't need one. Open the door.

- Give me your blessing. - Farewell, my son.

Farewell. I'm off back there.

What a funny man!

- I'm going to have her arrested. - You're going to have her arrested?

Go and find a policeman.

_ y' H U fry!

- Are you leaving, Shorty? - I'm looking for a policeman.

- Now that there's the best part? - There is?

- Sure thing, honey. - Let's go.

Who's going anywhere?

It's a very refined act, isn't it? Very elegant! Well done!

May I have your autograph?

- No, I don't understand. - I speak English.

- Can he have your autograph? - Then you're not an Englishwoman.

- Who wants an autograph? - Him.

- What do you want? - An autograph.

Half an autograph.

- Thank you. - Do you like this Englishwoman?

- I sure do! - This is her partner.

Her name is Rosemary.

- She's beautiful! - You can say that again.

When you grow up, I'll let you marry her.

Sentimental is this night without end...

...this autumn sky, this faded rose.

Everything speaks of love to my heart that's full of hope...

...and awaits, this evening, the joy of an hour of love with you.

Sentimental, like a missed kiss,

sentimentale, come un dolce segreto,

sentimental like a sweet secret, like an unfulfilled dream,

like this greeting that I send you with a sentimental heart.

Sentimental...sentimental.

Hide your cigarettes.

- Barzizza. - Justine.

- Nicolic. - Franchina.

Petra.

What dolls!

A new song. Here under the Capri sky.

- Capri! - Great memories. 50 years ago.

Here, under the Capri sky...

...how nice it is to dream...

...while the sea murmurs low.

Here, among rose-covered bowers...

...and blooming Wisteria...

...this is a lovers' paradise.

Here, life is a azure-tinted maritime legend,

you forget all your suffering

and by the moonlit waves you are rocked.

Here, under the Capri sky,

I want to live and love,

forgetting the rest of the world.

Store windows full of coral along

the streets that go up and down,

eternal cliffs,

painted in sunshine and sea-blue.

Here, life is an azure-tinted maritime legend.

...you forget all your suffering...

...and by the moonlit waves you are rocked.

Here, under the Capri sky,

I want to live and love...

forgetting the rest of the world.

Now,

here under the Capri sky.

It's certainly nice for our city colleagues to work as firefighters.

- In Viggifl, we don't see all this. - What shall we do? Stop the show?

- Are you crazy? - If I had searched a policeman,

- I'd have missed this sight. - Be quiet!

- So you're here. - I've been a while.

Listen, do you see that tall, dark girl over there?

She's very pretty, isn't she?

- Arrest her and bring her here. - I can't arrest her.

- She has to go on stage. - It's an order.

You're just a private while I'm a sergeant. Go on! Arrest her.

I can't. I'm from Venice. Let's take a ride in a gondola.

Listen, if you don't arrest her, I'll arrest you.

Just a moment, Sergeant. I'm going over to her now.

Attention, ladies! Stay where you are, everybody.

- Who is that young man? - It's Nino Taranto.

You're liable for a fine for exceeding the indecency limit.

- Don't talk twaddle. - Don't talk to me like this!

- Shame on you! - What for?

I've a good mind to arrest you for contempt.

I'd like to know what's wrong with this model?

- It's too skimpy. - I say it's not too skimpy.

It's too skimpy and doesn't comply with the law.

It doesn't comply with the law? Says who?

- What's illegal about it? - What it doesn't cover up.

I can't list certain unmentionable anatomical parts.

Why? Do they bother you?

- Yes, they do. They upset me. - Do you find them provocative?

- Do they turn you on? - How dare you interrogate me?

Enquiring into the sexual tastes of a policeman on active service...

...is forbidden while he is on duty.

I can assure you that our costumes comply with regulations.

- That's not true. - Measure them, then.

- Feel free to measure my costume. - Fine! I will.

- I must prove that I'm right. - Look! He carries a tape measure.

- How funny! - What's there to laugh at?

No laughing in front of policeman with the rank of lance corporal...

...with or without a tape measure. I'm equipped for everything.

- Go on, measure her. - One moment! Are you in a hurry?

I intend to take my time measuring her.

Stand still, please. Stop moving like that.

I don't want to touch your thigh otherwise I'll have a heart attack.

- Stay still. Please collaborate. - I'll collaborate.

I'm always the one sent to do these jobs. Poor me!

- Have you finished? - There's no fabric here.

- Can't you find it? - Somebody must have stolen it!

- What does it say? - It doesn't speak. It's mute.

I'm in a cold sweat!

I asked the Inspector to send me to capture the bandit Giuliano...

...and not have anything to do with women because they're dangerous.

Woman is synonymous of Damage.

You're breaking the law all of you. I'll give you a fine.

- You guys stay here. - What you're saying is absurd.

This is supposed to be a free country.

Why are you insinuating it isn't?

Because people can't even dress as they like.

Very witty! If you went home,

stripped as naked a the day you were born, and did cartwheels...

...in front of a mirror no one would say anything.

Don't play the wiseacre.

Young lady, no one has ever accused me of being a wiseacre.

Did you hear that exchange? What a government!

Nobody move! Nobody move!

Did I hear someone criticize the government? Who criticized it?

Come on! Answer me. Who criticized the government?

- I did. - Fine!

You're the outspoken type. Petite and outspoken.

And I like you because I find women who answer back to men attractive.

They may be criminals or fearless types but I like them.

Just look at how I have to dress.

Well said! Do you call this democracy?

- What do you have to say about it? A war was fought to bring it to us.

Right! We fought a war so you could go around showing your legs.

- That may well be true. - I'll end up siding with the Left.

Then I'll sock you one. Every now and again I hear this threat.

Tell us which side you're on, because we couldn't care less.

I'm afraid I too will become Red.

You won't become Red. If you didn't turn red going around

dressed like that, you never will, I can assure you.

- We'll be victorious. - We'll resist.

Ladies, I'm going to fine you for rebellion and resisting arrest.

- We'll organize a guerilla force. - A paramilitary organization.

- We'll arrange surprise attacks. - We'll undress on trams.

And in cafés, on the sidewalk.

Attempted sedition!

Overcoming the evil forces we'll reach goal in our underwear.

Gracious! This is apology of Fascism. You'll pay for this.

Women all over the world, undress!

Men all over the world, mutiny!

These ladies will give you a heart attack.

Undress here, undress there, if he gets angry, say: "fiddlesticks!".

Please take this rose away and leave me alone.

My children are waiting for me at home.

Cover up here and there. What is this morality crusade? Who knows?

- It means... - What?

Do your thing without advertising it.

Now, the earth is really round.

Poor men! We're all in trouble now.

- You women mistreat us pitilessly. - They always fall for our guiles!

The sight of a pair of panties turns a poor guy's head!

He feels dizzy! He's amazed. What a lot of legs! Smooth and silk.

A man tries an approach. But he starts stuttering.

And has to give up. The upshot of all this is that he loses...

...his mind and without seducing the ladies he departs.

Off you go! Move alo_ng! Hurry up! Keep walking!

- You spoke like a real Sicilian. - Thank you.

- There's a man here to arrest you. - It's my father.

Let's go and take a bow.

- Where's my father? - He's over there.

Your mother and fiance are back there.

- How will I finish the show? - Come with us, Miss Fiamma.

- Who are you looking for? - Dapporto.

- What do you want to do to him? - Give him a swollen face.

- Give him two black eyes. - Two black eyes?

Hold this.

If you see him, give him my regards. I know him.

How disgusting! Let's look for Dapporto.

Come on! Hurry up!

I'd like to present a comic,

dramatic, pathetic, sentimental...

rendition of a Swiss song that's new to Italy.

Hydrants up, hydrants down.

The firefighters of Viggifl.

- This way. - Excuse me.

- Is he here? - No, there's ur piglet.

Oh, Messalina! I wonder how my little pig is doing.

Your little pig is fine. I want to know what you're doing here.

- I'm on duty. - What do you mean you're on duty?

- Believe me, dear - - - It's no use calling me "dear".

- You came here to see the girls. - Me? It's not true. Ask the guys.

I've always found showgirls and dancers quite repulsive.

What do you mean? That's not what you told us.

You bad boy! May I, Gaetana? Excuse me.

My dear!

- Hydrants up, hydrants down. - Be quiet!

- Mummy, please leave off. - Fiamma, you're here?

- I don't understand what's going on - Daddy came here because of me.

- Because of you? - He doesn't want me to work here.

Theater is out of the question. You have to marry that young man.

Look what a dimwit's face he has.

Rather than marry him, it's better for her to work in show business.

Well, in a way - -

Actually, Gaetana, I'm not here because of her or the showgirls.

We came to give Dapporto a lesson, right, guys? Come on!

Calm down! Where are you going? You missed him.

Aren't you going to watch the last act? The one with the bells.

Where ever is Toté? Where ever is Toté?