Original subtitles

- Okay, guys, I got the new phones! - Did anyone notice?

I am a giant black guy wheeling around $20,000 in new electronics.

You know I got stopped, like, five times.

- Did anyone upstairs see the phones? - Hell no! Do you think I'm crazy?

(Harvard chuckles)

Once they find out, they're gonna rush down here Like a flock of douches.

- Harvard, you know better than that. - I meant herd of douches.

Hey, you know what? I'm dating one of them, and it's a pride of douches.

Pride of douches.

Now they cannot find out until we're ready, okay? I don't want any leaks.

Hey, babe, I was just... Is that the new phone?

Oh, my God, that's the new phone! I'm gonna go tell the whole pride!

- They know! - Okay, guys, let's move!

- Derrick, get those phones in the cage! - I got it!

Tori, I need you to print 100 requisition forms.

Well, there goes my morning. And print. (taps key)

I can feel it in the air...

Should start coming down any second now.

(phone clatters)

It's happening!

(phones clatter)

This is what happens when the company says

you can't get a new phone till your old one breaks.

- Sure is pretty, though. - (Tori and Derrick) Yeah...

Sorry, baby, I'm dumping you for a new model.

Mr. Wen! What in the hell are you doing on my balcony?

I was, uh...

Just having a rough day and thinking about jumping.

Well, hell, you can jump. Just leave the phone.

- You need a hand? - No.

- Did you write a note? - No.

Ohh, there's a truck. It'd be great. Run you right over, sure thing.

You know what? I feel better. Great pep talk, sir. "I wanna live!"

Oops.

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Season 1, Episode 8 "Dynamic Duo"

Morning, sir. Can I talk to you for a second?

Yeah. Please, have a seat.

Uh, I wanted to ask you something, but I'm not sure how you're gonna take it.

- Hold on. Are you comfortable? - Yes, sir.

(click, whirring)

- How about now? - Not as much.

Excellent. Ask me whatever you want.

Well, I was just wondering if you knew who you were gonna take with you

to the big Tomkins meeting this afternoon.

Oh, yes, I've put together my very best team...

Me.

Okay, because no one knows Tomkins' financials better than I do.

I know those numbers backwards and forwards.

Forwards is more useful, but backwards makes for a pretty nice party trick.

You feeling pretty good about yourself?

(whirs, stops)

Like a kid at the big boy table.

Sir, you keep talking about grooming a new person to open up the new office,

but you never let me go to the big meetings with you.

Fair enough. True or false...

I think you're ready to land your first billionaire client.

- True. - False!

True or false... I'd love to have you help me reel one in.

- That's true. - False!

Tomkins is a whale. I am Ahab.

You are plankton.

Benjamin Franklin said,

"Tell me and I forget, teach me, and I may remember,"

"but involve me, and I learn."

That's a good quote.

Fine. You can come with me.

I will just be the Robin to your Batman.

I'm Batman.

I like that.

Batman and plankton.

- Ah-choo! - God bless you.

- Why would you say that? - You sneezed.

No, no. No, no. I didn't sneeze. I don't get sick.

Sickness is a weakness of the will. Ah-choo!

God bless... America.

- Hey, babe. - Ms. Miller.

Babe Miller.

Mr. Mansfield, I was just bringing you your new phone.

- Where's your assistant? - Oh, Eric? He called in sick.

Correction... He called in weak.

(phone rings)

(ringing continues)

Are you gonna get that?

Ms. Miller, I'm C.E.O. of one of the largest

financial management firms in the country.

I don't answer my own phone. Besides, it's blinking.

I-I don't know which button to hit.

You'd think green, but I've made that mistake before.

Remington Trust. Mr. Mansfield's office. Oh, hello, Mr. Kersey.

(Mouthing words) He is not in right now, but he'll be back in an hou... Week.

In a month? He'll be back in a year.

(giggles) Yes, in a year. Thank you.

And remember, you can't spell Remington Trust without trust.

(laughs) Good-bye.

- That's not even our slogan. - Yeah, but I like it! It's fun!

Ms. Miller, how'd you like to be my assistant until Eric gets back?

- It's new phone day. I-I can't. - Let me rephrase my question.

You're my assistant until Eric gets back!

You're gonna like working for Batman.

According to H.R. guidelines,

the person that's in charge while I'm upstairs is the manager of business.

No. Nope, nope... Got it. I got it right here.

(Laughs) Yes.

"Manager of business."

Okay, Harvard. (Laughs)

You are in charge while I'm upstairs, okay?

- Just please, like, don't go crazy. - (Laughing) Jenny!

Shut up! I'm the manager of business. Come on, I think I can handle this.

Listen up, people!

The life you knew is over!

Okay? Put that coconut water down.

Coconut water is for closers!

Now we got a lot of new phones to distribute today, okay?

So... to keep things fun, we're gonna have a contest.

- Yeah. (Laughs) - Okay.

First prize... I wonder what it's gonna be.

It's gonna be a pop-tart. There it is.

Check it out! Second prize...

(Gasps) Another pop-tart!

And third prize is... You're fired!

Because we only have the...

We just have the two pop-tarts.

You can't fire us.

(Laughs)

Oh, no?

I don't think you know who you're dealing with, okay?

See this watch? This watch cost more than those pop-tarts.

How'd you get to work today?

Because I got here in a $90,000 bus.

Dude, you are really crazy, man. I'm up out of here.

(Laughs) Go. Fine. You can all leave! Like I need of you anyways!

(Laughs)

Ah, hell. They took the pop-tarts.

Hey, baby. Whatcha doin'?

Oh, I'm making a presentation for the biggest meeting of my life.

Will you actually tell me what you think?

- Yeah, I love it. - Well, can I show it to you first?

All right. Okay.

So... all right, let me just get back to the beginning.

(Types and clicks mouse) Okay, so...

We open with the Remington Trust company logo. And then...

- Ooh! Can I say something? - Uh, sure. Go ahead.

You should use my new slogan, "You can't spell Remington Trust without trust."

I think... uh, yeah, let's... Let's put a pin in that.

I just wanted to show you the presentation for...

So... here we go. So the first slide is basically

a brief overview of the client's industry,

- ...which basically... - Ooh! Can I say something?

- What... - He does oil, right?

So, like, how about, instead of these lines or whatever,

you do, uh, oil wells that are spouting money?

Um...

Okay, because it's not what I'm doing.

Can I just, uh, show you the presentation?

- Yes. - Okay.

I'm sorry, baby. It's really good so far.

Aw, thank you. So... oh, this is the best part.

I basically compare our performance to our client's,

and I name names, which is pretty ballsy. (Laughs)

- Can I say something? - What? (Sighs)

It's really dry. I think you should make it fun.

What do you... it's not supposed to be fun, it's supposed to be good.

Yeah, but it could be fun and good. Like... oh... (Laughing)

We made this video for new employees, called "Welcome to Remington Trust,"

and Harvard�s wearing this captain's hat!

- Uh... - It's ridiculous!

Wait. So-so... (Sighs)

You want me to put a video of Harvard in a captain's hat into my presentation?

No, I would just skip the presentation.

I'm not skipping the presentation. The whole point is the presentation.

- Okay, I'm just trying to help. - Well, I-I don't need your help then.

Then why did you ask me what I think?

Because I just wanted you to say it was great.

Then it's great!

I'm going back to my office... Which is over here now.

Mr. Mansfield?

Just wanted to remind you that you have the Tomkins meeting at 4:00,

and I need your John Hancock on a few things,

including a birthday card for Mark Zuckerberg.

I found one that just says "Like." (Giggles)

Ah-choo!

Sir, if you're sick, you should cancel the meeting.

I'm not going to cancel the meeting, because I'm not sick.

Sickness is surrender.

Did my body betray me and allow a virus in?

Perhaps, but that's not my problem.

If my body wants to pick a fight with me,

I'll kicks its ass, but I will not...

I repeat, I will not... Surrender.

Are you sure?

Um, because it looks like the only thing holding you up right now is that table.

(Sighs and stammers)

Incorrect. You may leave.

Sir, you need to rest.

What are you... What are you doing, Ms. Miller?

Th-this does not end well for you. (Clicks)

(Whirring) If you just put the remote down,

we'll never speak of this ever again.

(Panting) I surrender.

Hey. About before, I'm sorry if I was a little prickly.

Yeah, you were. Without the "-ly."

I know, I know, I know, I know.

I'm just tense because this meeting is so important to me.

Well, you can relax, because Mansfield told me to cancel it.

- Hi. Mr. Tomkins' office, please? - What?! No!

- Ah! Damn! What are you doing? - I'm hanging up!

No, you're n... You just transferred the call.

Do any of you guys know how to use these phones?

Look, you... you cannot cancel that meeting.

You know what? I'll do it without him.

- (Laughs) Are you crazy? - Yeah. Crazy like plankton.

Look, Mansfield keeps talking about someone opening up a new office.

If I can land this client alone, I'll be that guy.

Babe, you just told me that you've never done a meeting like this before.

Well, I'm ready.

I-I wrote the presentation. I could do the presentation.

- The presentation's great. - Uh, babe, the presentation's all right.

It's great! Look, you don't know anything about my business.

I do. When Mansfield sees that I don't have to be second fiddle,

that I could be the whole damn orchestra,

he's gonna ask for an encore, maybe even an oboe solo.

And, yes, I know I'm stuck in a music metaphor, but I'm gonna do this meeting.

Oh, my God! You are just as stubborn as he is.

Thank you.

It wasn't a compliment.

Dude, you gotta hook me up with a new phone. My old one died on me.

(Rings)

(Stomps on phone)

Okay. Okay, slow down. We have a process here, okay?

Now I just need to match the new serial numbers with your employee I.D.s.

Then I'm gonna fill out requisition form 43A,

and then enter the corresponding activation codes

from the service provider.

Now... Who here knows how to do any of those things I just said?

(Sighs)

(Sighs) Just give us our damn phones!

Yeah, man. I need that phone bad.

It's got more pixels than the human eye can see. (Gasps)

Whoa! Okay... okay, back up, back up!

- I'll use this, man. - Come on, man.

Think about what you're doing.

- You just tell your people to stand down. - I can't give that order.

- You tell your people to stand down! - I can't give that order!

Let's just take 'em!

(All shouting) No, no, no, no, no! No!

(Laughing hysterically)

(Continues laughing)

Now nobody gets a phone! (Laughs)

Yeah! That's right!

You don't bring a knife to a gunfight, people.

(Laughing)

And you "Don't close the door from the inside."

My mom was right.

I'm gonna die alone in a cage.

Mr. Tomkins, over the next hour,

I will use my exhaustive research to show you

why you should invest your money in Remington Trust.

- Okay, first slide... - Can I say something?

Sure. Go ahead.

Is this just gonna be a bunch of graphs and projections?

'Cause I've already done all that research.

Okay, great. Yeah. I'll just skip ahead a bit.

Uh, skip... skip... Skip... Skip...

Okay, great. Here we go.

I don't need to see how your company stacks up against the competition.

Uh... uh, the end.

Where's Mansfield?

Sir, he's unavailable, but rest assured he has complete confidence in me...

As will you, because we are a great company.

There's lots of great companies.

But I'm worth a billion dollars.

So that makes me the hot girl at the dance.

Trust me, son...

I ain't gonna have no trouble getting laid.

Well, we here at Remington Trust

want to be the guy who gets you in the back of the limo,

and I'm not gonna finish that thought.

I want to do my banking with people who don't...

Feel like bankers.

Hmm.

First time I met Mansfield, he punched a shark right in the face.

- You guys went shark fishing? - No, we were at the aquarium.

(Chuckles) That actually sounds kinda fun.

That's what I'm looking for, right there.

Hell, anybody can show me numbers. Show me fun.

I'll go get her.

(Clicks tongue) Whoa! 105? That's the highest temperature I've ever seen.

Thank you.

That's not a compliment!

Sir, we gotta get you to a doctor.

Why? So I can be told I'm sick by some macho know-it-all jackass in scrubs?

That's not me!

Hey, Mr. Mansfield, how we feeling?

- Oh, great, Mr. Moyer... mnh. - Ha ha! Swallow. Swallow.

Oh, grape! Gross!

Uh, Jenny, can I borrow you for a second?

Yes, sure.

- How's the meeting going? - Great. Good. Not bad.

Bad. The worst.

- I need your help. - Wh-what can I do?

Well, I need fun, and you are the funnest person I know.

Oh, baby. He didn't like the presentation?

No.

Come on. Come on.

Come to papa! Come on!

Come on! Damn it! Ahh!

- What are you doing? - Starving to death...?

Okay, how about I give you the pop-tart, I let you out of the cage,

and you hook me up with a new phone?

What's in it for me?

A pop-tart and getting out of a cage.

- Okay, yeah, deal. Good. - Okay...?

Yeah, yeah. Good, good, good. Good, good, good, good. Come on!

- Come on! Come on! - Okay.

- Come on! - Okay.

Ahh! (Groans)

(Coughs)

(Exhales sharply)

It's been like 15 minutes, man.

15 feels like 20 when you're in the hole.

Okay, you're out of the cage. Give me the phone.

All right, look, I lied. I don't even know how to do the phones.

I just... I thought I could do this job alone, and obviously it's impossible!

Okay, so... I help you out, all right? I-I change my phones every six months.

If you want, I can, like, hold your hand right through this stuff. Hmm?

Hey, look, Harvard, man, we are so sorry...

Told ya.

You guys were right.

I needed you all along. I don't even...

I don't even know how to register the phones.

All right, if I'm being honest,

I don't know how to do that either, man.

It's easy. He'll hold your hand right through it.

- Thanks, man. - Ahh... come on.

I just want a new phone.

(Instrumental lounge music playing)

(Ship horn blows) You're going to have

an awful lot of fun aboard the S.S. "Remington."

Whoa! (Laughs)

Go long!

But we want to make sure all the members of the crew feel comfortable.

Hi! Bill from Marketing? I'm Sally from Accounting.

- I'm new here. - Nice to meet you, Sally.

Good boobs!

(Buzzer)

Now where did Bill go wrong?

That's right. He should have stopped before saying, "good boobs."

But sometimes harassment can be even more subtle.

Take a look. (Ship horn blows)

Whoa!

You must work out a lot.

And as your boss, I should tell you,

if you wanna get ahead in this company,

wear tighter pants!

(Buzzer) Ooh!

Inappropriate.

(Taps key)

You actually show this to new employees?

- Yeah. Yeah. - Entry level. Just entry level.

- It's fabulous. - Uh, yeah, every lev...

- Every level sees it. - I-I...

(Laughing) I love it. I tell ya,

I am so tired of meeting companies

that are just full of tight-asses in suits

that it's, uh, it's refreshing to meet somebody

doesn't take themselves so seriously.

(Laughing) Oh, yeah, well, we are total goofballs.

Rrr! (Laughs)

- I take my money seriously. - Yeah. Not as seriously as we do.

If you like, I could show you my presentation now.

Oh, God, no.

Or we can make that presentation a drinking game.

Every time he shows us a boring graph, we drink?

Sister, I can't afford to get that drunk.

(Laughs)

I gotta be able to fly my helicopter out of here.

- Oh. - All right, um...

Tell you what I'll do.

If will give these numbers the once-over,

and if they are as good as you say they are...

You just might be able to take me home from the dance.

Oh...

Yeah, we'd... we'd love that.

And remember, you can't spell Remington Trust without trust.

That ought to be your slogan.

Mr. Moyer. What a day, what a day.

Sir! I didn't expect you to be in. I heard you had a 72-hour flu.

I did indeed, but I crushed it in 18.

- It's a personal best. - (Laughs) Not surprised, sir.

- True or false? - Hmm?

Mr. Tomkins was very impressed by you.

- True. - True!

True or false... You just brought in the...

The biggest new account this firm's had this quarter.

- (Singsongy) True! - True!

True or false... I could not be happier.

(Normal voice) True.

False.

- I'm really not that good at this game. - Come. Sit with me.

Tell you what... ever since the day I started this firm,

I've looked forward to finding out just who I was gonna pass it on to.

Now that day is getting a little closer.

Well, it's trickier than I thought.

Oh, come on, sir. You have plenty of time.

Oh, don't patronize me, Mr. Moyer.

Even if I continue to stay fit and eat right,

I still only have 60 or 70 good years left in me.

(Laughing)

(Gasps) Oh, you're serious.

Of course I was... I was happy that you closed the deal.

Hell, I trained you how to do it.

But that you were able to do it without me...

That's... that's what pissed me off.

Well, if it makes you feel any better, I didn't do it alone.

I needed Jenny to save my ass.

Well, that makes me feel quite a bit better.

(Chuckles)

For the record, uh, you took quite a bold initiative there,

going behind my back. It reminded me of myself.

Oh. Thank you, sir. Anyway, I'm glad it worked out.

- Not so fast. - Yeah?

As I said, you did go behind my back, so for that, there's a consequence.

(Phone rings) Mr. Mansfield's office.

(Other lines ringing)

Mr. Mansfield's office.

(Ringing continues) Mr. Mansfield's... Mr...

Mr. Mansfield's office. Mr. Man...

Does anyone know how to work these frickin' phones?

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