Original subtitles

Okay, we have three scratchers left, and we really need a win here, okay?

- Cherry... (Laughs nervously) - (Tori) Okay...

- Cherry... - Ohh!

- Lemon... - Damn!

- Cherry! - Whoo! (Laughing)

- One dollar! (Laughing) - Oh, my God! Yes, yes, yes!

Why are we cheering? Did another state legalize weed?

No.

We just hit a winning scratcher,

and, uh, Wisconsin is about this close to legalizing weed.

It's just tough to get stoners out to vote.

Guys, you know how much I hate scratchers.

My family threw away so much money on them.

My cousin Tiffany said that scratchers were her heroin.

Tiffany smoked actual heroin.

Jenny, you're not our mom.

'Cause if you were, that'd be awful... The things that I think about you.

Ohh...

- Now here we go. - Let's go.

- Let's do it. - Cherry... (Derrick laughs)

- Cherry... - Yeah!

- Hey, everyone! - And a turd.

Guess what. Threepeat and I projected the Wallace Cooper Fund

would beat the S&P by 325 basis points, and it did exactly.

(Jenny giggles)

Got a much bigger reaction upstairs. (Giggles)

Anyway, the point is, I made a client a million dollars overnight.

- Damn, who was that guy? - He sounds cute.

Well, I do not know,

but I am sure client number 0006914325134AB12161993

will have a smile on his or her or their face. (Chuckles)

- Snooze flash... you're boring! - Oh, really? Boring?

Is it also boring that I crushed the Russell small cap index

by over 15... Yeah, okay, I hear myself.

(Jenny) Mm-hmm.

- Well, baby, I think it's interesting. - Really?

- No. But I like your face. - Aw... (Laughs)

- I'll take it. - Mwah.

This is our last scratcher. (Exhales)

(Sighs) And when we're done with this,

let's promise ourselves we are gonna go buy so many more.

- Hell yeah. - More. (Chuckles)

Or...

Instead of throwing your money away on scratchers,

you could give it to Brody to invest.

He is not gonna do that for us.

Yeah, he wouldn't even introduce me to his rich friend with the long number.

You guys, he just made a million dollars for a guy he doesn't even know.

He loves you guys. Of course he'd help you out.

Hold on. You want me to give my life savings

to the man that I hate the most in the world?

(Laughs)

How do you expect to convince me to do that?

(Clicks tongue) Please...?

I'm in.

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Season 1, Episode 6 "If I Were a Rich Man"

You two beat the S&P by 350 basis points.

That's the most exciting thing I've ever heard.

I know! That's what I keep saying.

And your timing couldn't be better,

as I'm choosing someone to run my new office,

and you two have just shot to the top of that list.

Ahh, it's happening, it's all happening.

First, I need to see how you interact with clients.

That's right, you earned it... face time.

- (High-pitched voice) Ohh! - Oh, my God, are you kidding?!

(Normal voice) Sorry, sir.

That's okay. Screaming like a teenage girl swimming in a freezing-cold lake

is the appropriate response to face time.

Today is client review, so everyone in our roster

will be coming in to go over their portfolio.

It will be the first time that you two can see the faces

behind the account numbers.

(Normal voice) I want to see faces, sir. I want to see all those faces.

While 97% of our clients have enjoyed record years,

there is 3% who unfortunately had their money managed by one Frank Gersky.

(Laughs) Gersky the worstsky. How is that old guy?

Not great. I just fired his ass.

Unfortunately, someone's going to have to tell Mr. Gersky's clients

that their portfolios are now worth...

Roughly half of what they thought they were worth.

Well, I feel sorry for whoever has that job.

- It's us... - Of course it's us.

Congratulations, boys, because those are the faces that you're going to be seeing,

and they'll look something like...

That.

(singsongy) Good news... I got you... A new client.

Is it the Tooth Fairy?

(Normal voice) No. It's Tori, Derrick, and Harvard's savings.

It's like... Like $1,200. I convinced them to give it to you to invest

instead of throwing it away on scratchers.

I can't, babe. The firm's minimum investment is $5 million.

Well, can't you just, like, be a dude and tack it on to somebody else's account?

Just, like... just, like, be a really cool dude?

Okay, so when I go to prison for financial fraud,

I'll just tell my cellmate I'm in for being, like, a real cool dude.

(Laughs) Wait a minute.

You won't make money for people that you actually know,

but you will make money for client 867-5309?

- That's a song. You know that. - Mmhmm.

Plus... it's never a good idea to invest your friends' money.

Well, not a problem, 'cause they don't consider you a friend.

Come on. Please? I already told them that you would help them.

Well, you lied, because I can't.

Are you sure I can't convince you?

- Some of that's Monopoly money. - Damn it, Harvard!

(Elevator bell dings)

You rang?

Oh. Yeah. Look. This is obviously a test to determine who runs the new office,

so I just wanna say, whatever happens, I hope you crash and burn.

Dude, thank you. I hope you fall right on your face.

Okay, so who do we got?

Well, we have a nice lady, and... white Gandhi.

Oof. That guy is so old, this news could literally kill him.

- I don't want to kill white Gandhi. - (Scoffs) Oh, and I do?

- You do? Thanks, man! - Mnh... don't...

Hey, this is Michael Wen, and he'll be going over your portfolio.

Heyy...

Lo... sir.

Uh, let me ask you this... financially speaking,

do you have any pre-existing heart conditions?

(Clears throat)

- Hello. I'm Brody Moyer. - Nice to meet you.

I'm afraid I have some upsetting news for you.

Oh, no. Is everything okay?

(Groans)

Totally! Yeah! It's just...

it's... I didn't know you were so... (Stammers) Tall.

What are you, like, 5'4 ", 5'5" -ski?

(Laughs nervously) You're gonna have a very tall baby... boy?

And a girl. And another boy. I'm having triplets. (Laughs)

(High-pitched voice) No shit?

- So? What did Brody say? - Well, apparently there are rules.

Yeah, rule number one... guys like him don't help guys like us.

Yeah. Rule number two... your boyfriend's a jerk.

But, you guys, let me finish. Okay?

He broke the rules because he loves you guys,

which is why he bought you a great stock.

Wow, really? What stock?

Yeah, what are the letters? I'll look it up right now.

The letters? Um...

The... "J" and... and "B."

JNB? Japanese National Bank?

Yep. JNB. No further questions.

- Okay. - Oh my God, you guys, we're up a nickel!

- Yeah! - (Laughs) Yeah!

- Uh-oh! Now it's down 2 cents! - (Both) No!

- Oh, and now it's even. - Oh, okay.

- Okay... - Back up a nickel!

- Yes! (Laughs) - Yes!

Man! The Stock Market is fun! Does everybody know about this?

Hey. Dude. How many people have you told?

Ah! Who keeps count? I do. It's four.

Well... yeah, well, you got the easy ones.

I have a ticking time bomb in there, okay?

If I give her any bad news, there's literally gonna be

babies shooting all over the place.

Okay. Do you want me to tag in? I have a very delicate touch with the preggos.

Yeah...

You get this one, I'll get the next two.

- Man, this is a hard day! - Man, this is a great day!

I love giving people great news.

How you doing destroying people's lives?

Uh, you know, okay. It's... Kinda gettin' warmed up.

Looks like Mr. Wen has handled...

One, two, three, four cases, and you've handled...

Let me see if I can do the arithmetic...

Zero.

Yes. Well, in fairness, my client is pregnant with triplets,

so she should count as four.

Alice, you are a peach, and I wish you good luck.

Thank you, Threepeat.

Hey... you're the real Threepeat. (Elevator bell dings)

(Laughs)

Oh, no! He's so good at his job!

(Chuckles)

Look, I'm sorry, sir. This part of the job is a little bit tough.

Son, I'd love to pretend I care,

but I'm... I'm having such a great day, I just can't do that.

(Pats shoulder)

(Elevator bell dings, doors open)

- Hey, babe. - Hey, babe.

Hey, I'm sorry about before. I'm kind of having a bad day.

Oh, well, then this will make you feel better.

Everyone downstairs loves you for investing their money.

Oh! That'd be great, except one thing...

I didn't invest their money. (Chuckles)

Oh, it's cool. I just... I said that you did.

(Giggles) I just, like, made up a stock name.

(Laughs) JNB.

JNB, like Japanese National Bank?

No. Like Jenny 'n' Brody.

Aww! (Laughs)

But you know that JNB got acquired this morning.

Their stock shot up 6,000%.

Oh. Sweet! They're really gonna love you. (Laughs)

Well, yeah, until they try to cash in their fake stock.

- Oh, no! - Look...

Maybe they don't know.

(All screaming and cheering)

Boom!

Yes! Yeah! (Laughing)

Can we buy them some of that JNB stock now?

Uh, yeah, now they can afford one-quarter of one share.

Not... if we bought it yesterday,

if you know what I mean.

Okay. Is what you mean, "I want Brody to go to prison"?

I don't know how things go in your world,

but in my world, when I screw up, I use a "meant-ta."

Okay, I'll bite. What's a "meant-ta"?

It's what you do to get out of paying, like, late fees.

You know, you call your landlord or your credit card company

and you say, "Hey, I didn't pay on time, but I meant-ta."

So you want me to call a broker and see if he'll take a "meant-ta"?

I mean, it's never not worked for me.

Okay. All right. It's worth a shot.

Hey, Dave, it's Brody from Remington Trust.

I have someone here who wants to purchase some JNB stock

at yesterday's prices using something called a "meant-ta."

You're kidding me?

Dave wants to talk to you.

(Laughs)

Hey, Dave?

You're an ass.

Whoa.

(Laughing) Hey.

Why don't you just go downstairs and explain what you did,

so they don't do something stupid?

Oh. You are so condescending. You know what?

Just 'cause someone downstairs gets a little bit of money

doesn't mean they're gonna go crazy, okay?

(Elevator bell dings)

Come with me...

And you'll be...

(thuds)

In a world of pure imagination...

(Pencils clatter on ground)

Take a look and you'll see

Into your imagination

(laughs)

I know what you're thinking.

You couldn't possibly know what I'm thinking.

Maybe you're right. I am new money, after all.

(Laughing)

- About a half hour old. - Look, Harvard, we need to talk.

Bup-bup-bop. Biddly-bop-bop. (Laughs)

I believe what I have to discuss is a little bit above your pay grade.

(Laughs)

Aren't you gonna stop him?

Kinda want to see how this one plays out, to be honest.

Let's see here. Peat, Peat, Peat...

What's that spell? "Threepeat."

Dude! You are such a badass. How are you doing this?

I don't know. I guess I'm just good at delivering bad news.

I treat it like a breakup. Who have you broken up with?

No... no one, but I have been dumped dozens of times,

and when they do it right, I always walk away with a smile.

Okay. Breakup... I can do that.

Yeah. I'll just give them the bad news

like I dumped my high school girlfriend my first day at Harvard.

Talk about badass.

Sorry, dude. When you sleep with my best friend

in my dad's old Jetta on my birthday,

I drop the hammer.

Honestly... (Elevator bell dings)

I feel sorry for the next client who comes through that elevator.

I can't wait to find out how much money you guys made me this year.

Is that John McEnroe...?

I can finally afford to buy my dream.

- The ostrich farm? - Damn right, the ostrich farm.

Hundreds of acres of those flightless giants.

Manny, this is why I play tennis!

So where's that genius Gersky?

I'm afraid Gersky's not with us right now.

Mr. Moyer will be explaining your portfolio to you.

(Voice trembling) Wh-a-at?

You like ostriches?

Yes, sir. They're low cholesterol and delicious.

You would eat those majestic creatures?

They mourn their dead, asshole!

(Forced laugh)

Johnny Mac!

(High-pitched voice) Good luck!

Uh...

What are you doing in my office,

and why in the hell are you dressed like Mr. Peanut?

Bup-bup-bup.

Continue with that tone, and I will take my business elsewhere.

Now what business do you think that you and I have together?

Well, I am the proud owner of not one, not two...

actually it is two... shares of JNB.

Are you familiar with it? I purchased it this morning, and it's already up 6,000%.

(Laughs)

I, um, I'm afraid I have some bad news for you,

and you're probably gonna wanna sit down.

(Exhales) (Whistles)

- Not behind my desk. - Ooh.

Trading in JNB has been suspended pending a fraud inquiry,

and the shares have plummeted in after-hours trading on the Nikkei.

(Laughs)

Tell me something I don't know. (Laughs)

Like, um...

What any of that means. I don't know what that means.

- Your stock is worthless. - What?

- You don't have a penny. - Uh... (Stammers)

You're flat broke.

(Gasps and stammers)

- Add to cart, add to cart, buy the cart! - Uhhuh. Yeah.

Hey, guys, we need to talk.

Yeah, not now. Did you know you could buy

all this stuff off of Skymall even if you're not on a plane?

I'm buying a toaster with a compass in it.

Uh, listen, um, there's something that I need to tell you.

You're not gonna believe this! JNB tanked!

- What?! What are you talking about? - Yeah.

Just talked to my money guy.

(Chuckles)

We lost everything. I sold my hat to Mansfield for 50 cents!

- Damn! - Yeah, I mean, how...

- I can't believe I'm poor again! - Oh, my God!

- It's over! That's it! - Guys, hey!

It's okay, 'cause Brody didn't invest your money, so you didn't lose anything!

'Cause I held on to it. Look. Hey!

It's right here. "Yay, Jenny," right?! (Laughs)

Jenny! Jenny!

Can I use a "meant-ta"?

No, you can't-ta.

But... but I didn't do anything.

You let us think we were rich when we weren't.

Okay, I did do that.

You told us to act like adults and then you treated us like children.

Yeah, I did that, too.

Said you were gonna buy a piece of land in Montana

so we could build a house together and start over.

(Clicks tongue) Yeah, that I did not do.

No, but I'll tell you what you did do.

You broke our trust and you broke our hearts.

And I can't even cry about it right now

because I sold my pocket square for a nickel! (Slams nickel on desk)

Sir.

What was the final tally?

Well, Threepeat broke the news to 19 clients,

and I... got yelled at for two hours by John McEnroe.

You would not believe it, but that guy's got a temper.

Well...

Johnny Mac hates losing.

Tell you the truth, that's why I stopped playing him in tennis.

You beat him at tennis?

Of course not. It's John frickin' McEnroe!

You were well off your game today, Mr. Moyer.

I know, I know, and I'm sorry I let you down.

I just couldn't give those people any bad news.

- Why do you think I didn't do it myself? - Because it's hard?

Oh, give me a break. I do hard things every day.

Just this morning I strapped a 100-pound weight to my ankle

and I jumped into the deep end of my pool to play my favorite game...

Stay alive.

- Well, then why didn't you do it? - Because it sucks.

Those... those accounts aren't just numbers.

They're people. And telling them bad things

that affect their families and their lives...

- It eats you up. - Hmm.

Unless you're dead inside.

Mr. Mansfield, I dropped the bomb on all the clients,

and then I told Jeffries that he's never gonna make manager and fired a coffee guy.

I'm on a roll. (Chuckles)

Good for you, Mr. Wen.

- Dead inside. - Right.

Yeah, but he did beat my ass.

Yes, he did. He kicked it up and down the street.

If your ass was a drum, he'd be Ringo.

If your ass was the Chicago Cubbies,

he'd be every other team in the National League.

(Chuckles)

Yes, I get it, my ass is any number of easily beaten things.

- And Threepeat won. - No. No.

I'm gonna call it a tie, and I'll tell you why.

- Hmm? - Because you have heart.

You can learn or I can teach you any number of things in this business,

but I'll be honest with you... I can't teach you heart.

(Exhales)

Yeah. I guess I got a little heart.

- Ah, crap. - What's wrong?

I gotta go apologize to some people downstairs.

Oh, say, I'm... I'm having dinner with John McEnroe.

- Would you like to trade with me? - No, thank you!

Guys, come on.

I'm so sorry, and I-I don't know how else to say it.

Yeah, well, I think it's time we tell you how we really feel.

- I love you. - Harvard, man... come on, dude.

What? We were all thinking it.

Hey, guys, can I talk to you for a second?

Babe, what are you doing down here?

Uh, uh... I-I just want to tell you guys something.

I learned something today.

You know, it's really easy to lose sight of what's important in business.

- Cut to the chase! - Come on, man.

I'm underwater on a cane!

Hey, guys, come on, come on.

Can you seriously get to the good stuff?

All right, fine. Uh, I invested your $1,200 for you...

(Clicks mouse) And you can watch it right here.

- What? - Yeah.

Oh, my God, we're up.

- What? Okay... - Ha ha ha ha! Yeah!

- Hit refresh, hit refresh! - Holy...

- Yeah! - Still up!

- Yeah! (Laughing) - Whoo!

Wow. Hon, what did you invest in?

It's a fixed-rate cd set in at 2%. It's like a savings account.

Your friends are literally gonna be watching a straight line for 15 years.

(Laughs)

Thank you.

If you want to view paradise

Simply look around and view it

Anything you want to, do it

Want to change the world

there's nothing to it

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