Original subtitles

Okay, "Crazy, Stupid, Love" is an emotional movie.

- It's okay to cry. - Yeah, but, babe, you cried so much.

It's two men buying suits. Okay, I'm not made of stone.

- Jenny. Mr. Moyer. - Mr. Mansfield.

- Morning, sir. - Yeah, it's interesting.

You two arriving at the exact same time for work.

That's either a tremendous coincidence or you spent the night together.

Which, according to my father, means you got married.

Did you get married last night, Jenny?

- What? - It's a joke! (Laughs)

Ah! Brody never told you I had a sense of humor, did he?

- Tell her I have a sense of humor. - Oh, he's a riot.

- I'm a riot! - Yeah.

(Rings bell)

Jenny.

Brody.

Tron.

Huh. You two arriving at the exact same time.

That is either a tremendous coincidence...

Or...?

Or nothing. That's exactly what happened.

- Hey, guys! - It's him, and he brought the dolly.

Oh, he's cleaning out an office. Somebody's gettin' fired.

I wonder who the poor bastard is.

- (High-pitched voice) What?! Why?! - No!

Come on, dude. I'm just tying my shoe. Sac up.

I happen to have a very tall sac, thank you.

(Derrick) Mr. Mansfield needs to see you.

- Carl's been here ten years. - He was on track for partner.

You know what this means.

(Both, singsongy) Empty office!

- What?! Are you serious, dude? - I can't...

Hey, Carl.

Oh, Carl, bro. You look so sad, bro. I'm so sorry, bro.

(Lowered singsongy voices) Empty office!

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Season 1, Episode 3 "The New Office"

I consider this company to be a family.

And like in any family, if you underperform, you get fired.

As you no doubt have figured out, we have an empty office.

I call dibs!

Congratulations. It's yours.

- Really? - No!

Mr. Moyer, walk with me.

Now I think it goes without saying who's first in line for that office.

- Thank you, sir. - Oh, you think it's you?

I did until just now.

My daughter Lisa is in town from college this weekend...

Oh, would you look at that smile.

Cost me $12,000, and it was worth every penny.

Poor girl had a mouth like a sand shark.

- That's her before the braces. - Watch your fingers, everybody!

She's in college now and she's being exposed to a whole new world of ideas,

which, unfortunately, she likes.

She's going through some kind of

progressive hippie-dippie eco-terrorist phase.

She's embracing everything I revile,

and since I'm not gonna put up with any of her nonsense,

you are.

Of course. I mean, I-I don't wanna brag,

but I do know my way around a hacky sack.

You and I have very different ideas of what bragging is.

Now since Lisa thinks every opportunity to reject me

is a clear win, for this to work,

we're going to have to completely convince her that I hate you.

Oh, that may require some pretty intense acting on your part, sir.

- Don't touch me. - Nailed it.

There's my girl!

- Daddy! - Lisa!

Actually, I've changed it to "Lyssa," with a "Y" and two "S's."

Whatever makes you happy, Lisa.

No, it's "Lyssa," not "Lisa."

- Lisa. Lisa. Lisa. - Lyssa. Lyssa. Lyssa.

- Lisa. Lisa. - Lyssa. Lyssa.

- Brody. - Yes, sir?

Uh, unfortunately, I am swamped the whole time you're here,

and Mr. Moyer is the only one I can spare.

So he's gonna be your tour guide.

'Sup, girl?

Nice try, dad. He's clearly your favorite. I'll be fine on my own.

You didn't really sell that one, did ya, son?

"'Sup, girl"?

It's what the kids are sayin', right?

And with an office on the line.

Very disappointing.

It doesn't get any easier. I feel like the Grim Reaper with a dolly.

- What is with the tricycle? - It is not a tricycle.

It is the bike perfected. Lower center of gravity, sleek lines.

(Bell dings)

I dig it. It's kinda like a bicycle for people who can't get laid.

See? She gets it.

- Hey. - Hey. You need a hug?

- Yeah, I do. Why? What's this for? - Someone on your floor got fired.

Oh. Yeah. Right.

So... lunch?

Ooh, that is cold! He had a name, man.

Wait. You save the badges of every guy who gets fired?

Yes. Derrick has a process.

He learns about each guy and then he has a memorial.

You know, he's like the priest and executioner in one.

(Laughs) Except when Feinstein got fired, and then he was a rabbi.

(Chuckles)

Hey, it was a mitzvah.

I call it "The Wall of Fallen Douches."

Lest we forget how douchey those upstairs guys are.

- You know I'm one of them, right? - Yeah, that's why I said it.

Hey, Harvard, he is not one of those guys.

- This guy cries at movies. (Chuckles) - Babe.

At... manly movies.

- Babe. - But... like...

- P-porn. Like the hard stuff. - Please! Stop!

Please stop. Jeez.

Besides, it's impossible to get offended by a grown man on a big wheel.

(Bell dings)

Oh, that's the future calling. Oh, guess what?

(Whispers) I get the girl.

- She's right here, man. - Yeah, that's why I said it.

Oh. Hey, check it out.

I got a surefire way of getting that open office.

I am gonna blow Mansfield...

Away.

I was so worried you weren't gonna say "away" there.

It's a new power move.

It allows me to enter Mansfield�s office and take a seat

without ever breaking eye contact, boom.

Right? I called it "The Riker",

in honor of Commander William T. Riker of "Star Trek - Next Generation."

What do you think?

I think... You have to do that.

Yeah. I honestly can't believe that I didn't think of it.

That's because while you were wasting time getting busy with girls,

I was getting busy with... (singsongy) "Star Trek."

Mr. Mansfield, I wanna talk to you about that open office.

Fair enough. Have a seat.

Always check your chair before you perform a Riker.

(Bell dings) Coming through! I'm riding here!

You peds think you own the lobby!

Nice bike.

My friend Fleur rides her recumbent to the farmers' market every weekend.

Farmers' markets are so commercial. I'm a member of a foraging collective.

I've had nothing but mushrooms and hempseed to eat this week,

and I'm pretty dizzy.

Can I get a ride? I'm Lyssa, with a "Y."

I'm Harvard, with a "Why not?"

(Laughs) So you're excited because you tricked your best friend

into making an ass out of himself just so you that could get an office?

Yeah.

What the hell, Brody? You know? Ugh.

What? Okay, a private office is a huge deal.

There are only 12 of them on the floor,

and one of them is for Mansfield�s bow flex.

Okay? I don't know why it needs the best view.

Or a private bathroom, for that matter.

Yeah, well, you know what? It's not like that down here, okay?

We don't have private offices or private bathrooms or... bathrooms.

We have to use the one in the chiropractor's office,

which is on the third floor, and that is a long waddle when you gotta pee.

Okay, you have no idea what it's like where I work.

If you don't step over your best friends to get ahead,

you wind up on that wall with Carl, okay?

Mansfield fired seven guys last year.

And you wouldn't know what that keep pressure is

because it's impossible to get fired down here.

No, that is not true.

(Whispers) And lower your voice 'cause you're gonna wake up Tori.

Trust me. If you guys had something to compete over, you'd do the same.

Or maybe we're just better people than you are.

Oh. Yeah? Really? Okay, let's find out.

- Hey, guys! - I'm up!

Man, I'm working on Carl�s eulogy. This better be important.

It is. I'm giving you all something worth fighting for...

An access card to the parking garage. I walk to work, so I don't need it.

- Whoa. - I will blow you.

- Uh, blow me away? - Huh?

Jenny, you get to be in charge of who gets it.

Okay, what are you doing?

I'm giving you all something to compete over.

I'm turning the ground floor into the top floor.

These guys get to see what it's like to be me,

and you get to be Mansfield, baby.

It felt weird to kiss you after saying that.

- I didn't like it. - Yeah, so weird.

Oh, good morning, sir. You look very...

(Bell dings) Let me tell you something, Mr. Moyer.

Someday...

Someday I hope you experience the joy of having a daughter,

so you can see the smile on her face when she spots you up in the stands

of every single volleyball game, school play, and piano recital.

Then I hope you're fortunate enough to drop dead...

Before she is old enough

to cancel dinner plans at the last minute with a text that reads, "Sorry. Busy."

Frowny-face, frowny-face, winking frowny-face.

Dear God, sometimes I think it's... (Bell dings)

It's easier having a son than a daughter.

- What? - What?

(Whistles) Occupied.

I'm sure it's just a phase.

Every father and daughter has to go through it.

Except most fathers accept this new reality, which is a mistake.

The key is to hold your ground until it passes.

That's how you win.

- Can you really win at parenting? - Have I taught you nothing?

Life is a series of contests. You can win 'em all. Yesterday, I won at lunch.

- What did you have? - Nothing.

(Cell phone alert chimes) Oh, here's another text. What...

Now what the hell kind of bike is she riding?

The tricycle of a man who's gonna have a frowny-face.

(Cell phone alert chimes)

Oh, my God.

Brody just texted me. Do you know who Lisa�s father is?

It's Mansfield.

- What? - Yeah.

That's crazy. I paid for lunch.

Well, Harvard, who's gonna pay for your funeral?

You are messing with Mansfield�s daughter.

When he figures that out, the only thing they'll find of you is your beard.

Why would Mansfield�s daughter go after Harvard?

Mm, probably to get back at her dad.

Think about it. You're, like, everything he hates.

That makes total sense. I'm the bad boy.

The forbidden fruit. The devil's candy. Black licorice.

Harvard, Mansfield will rip off your helmet with your head still inside.

That's not really good for my neck.

Look, you can either be a man and go tell Lisa it's over,

or you can run and hide and take the coward's way.

I know what I need to do.

Coward's way. Coward's way!

Whoo!

Hey.

You're not mad that I encouraged you to do the Riker, are you?

What? No. I would have done the same to you.

- Okay. - Besides, it totally worked.

- Congratulations. You got the office. - Shut up.

I'm serious, man. Mansfield wants to see you right away.

Oh, my God! I am so sorry it wasn't you, man.

- But you're smiling. - Am I? Am I smiling? Okay, I'll stop.

Have I stopped? I can't stop. Oh, my God.

- Sir, you wanted to see me? - No.

I wanna see the two gentlemen seated behind you,

who just flew here from Berlin for an intensely private meeting

which you're now interrupting.

So I should...

(Whistles) Mm!

How'd it go?

I just want to let you know that Threepeat tried to screw me out of the office, too.

So... a-point a-Brody.

Oh, my God. Is talking like that why you went to prom with your cousin?

A-point a-Jenny.

(Clears throat)

- I'm just saying everybody's competitive. - Not down here, we're not.

Oh, yeah? Okay, what happened with the parking pass?

I gave it to Derrick, 'cause he drops his nephew off at school.

Yeah, and I gave it to Tori. She's too hot to take the bus, man.

And I gave it back to Jenny,

because she always wakes me up when it's time to go home.

Huh.

I guess you guys really are better people than us upstairs.

I guess a-so.

All right, he's gone. Give me my damn pass.

I think you mean my pass.

You know what? I'm just gonna take it.

- (Gritted teeth) Back off, bitch. - Okay, guys? Guys?

No one gets the pass, okay? I'm in charge. I get the pass.

Yes, Jenny gets the pass as the prize for being the best person.

I guess you're... you're pretty pleased with yourself.

Am I smiling? I'm smiling, aren't I?

Okay. Okay, you're right.

We're... we're exactly the same as you guys upstairs.

- That's all I'm saying. - I-I don't know. I just thought that...

You and I would bring out the best qualities in each other, you know.

- Not the worst. - I'm not trying to make you worse.

It's just in my nature to be competitive.

Yeah, but you don't have to be.

You know what's sexier than a guy with a private office?

A guy with a private office that knows all the parts of "Wicked"?

- A-actually, yeah. - Yeah. (Chuckles)

But what's even sexier than that

is a guy that puts the people that he cares about

above everything else, no matter what.

Okay. Well... I'm not that guy.

- Uh, I think you are. - Uh, I'm really not.

- Uh, you really are. - Uh, I'm telling you, I'm really n...

You are.

Uh...

I might be.

(Rings bell)

Join me, won't you?

It's 34 stories.

On the elevator, it'd take about 90 seconds

to get back down to the ground floor.

(Lowered voice) I bet you could beat that.

Nothing happened, I swear. It was second base. We held hands.

If I thought something actually happened,

your beard would be washing up at Alcatraz.

Okay. Well, good talk. I gotta go. (Claps hands)

You'll go when I damn well say you can go.

Okay. I'll just stay here.

I need some intel on my daughter,

and you're the only one she seems to be talking to

as she's going through this phase.

Well, maybe it's not a phase.

Maybe she just happens to be into bad boys... (Chuckles)

Such as myself.

(Spits)

This iced tea has gone bad.

That's 40-year-old scotch.

Well, I'd get something newer 'cause that's disgusting.

I will win this battle with my daughter.

Well, maybe. But if you're like me...

And you seem to be exactly like me...

You don't want to miss a week with Lisa.

I see. So you're saying the price of victory might just be too high.

No. No, I'm saying, hang out with her, see what you have in common.

If you want, I could tell you what she likes.

- I know what Lisa likes. - You mean "Lyssa."

- Lisa. - Lyssa.

- Lisa. Lisa. - Lyssa. Lyssa.

- Lisa. - Lyssa.

- Lisa. - Lyssa.

- Lisa. Lisa. Lisa! - Lyssa. Lyssa. Lyssa!

- Lisa. - Ly-ssa.

- Ly-ssaa. - There it is.

So I think you should give the office to Threepeat.

He brought in the Moran account. He deserves it.

- Oh, the magnanimous play. - No, there's no play, sir.

I just like to think I'm the kind of guy who supports his friends no matter what.

You know, I'm trying to be a better person.

This is the girl's influence on you, isn't it?

- This is Jenny. Am I right? - Yeah, she may have mentioned something.

Well, she's making you a better person.

She's making you put other people's feelings in front of yours.

- Yeah, she is. - It's bullshit.

This is your job.

This is not some puppet show at the children's library.

When you leave this building, I don't care if you're Patch frickin' Adams.

When you're here, you go for the jugular.

This is your job, and that office was yours.

- It was? - And now it's not.

Ah, Mr. Wen.

Congratulations. The office is yours.

Yeah, it is!

I can't reward that.

I'm not gonna give the office to anyone.

Check that...

I'm gonna give it to the potted plant. (Elevator bell dings)

It's the only thing around here that doesn't piss me off.

- You ready, dad? - I sure am, sweetheart.

Let's go ride adult tricycles.

(Lowered voice) Not a word.

I'm really proud of you.

You showed a lot of integrity. Very sexy.

I'd trade it all for that office.

I know. Oh, it's starting.

Carl MacNeil will be missed.

An avid fisherman, a golfer,

and proud owner of the state's largest collection of ships in bottles.

I probably don't need to mention he was white.

Carl is in a better place now...

Goldman Sachs.

This is for you, Carl.

(Kisses)

- This is the best part. - Why?

Amazing grace

Oh, 'cause you're singing, you think I'm... This is ridiculous

(both) How sweet the sound

That saved a wretch like me

(off-key) Ohh...!

(all) I once was lost,

But now am found

Ooh...

Was blind, but now I see

(high-pitched sobbing)

(Gasps)

Let's eat. (Chuckles)

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