All language subtitles for Girlfriends Guide to Divorce s02e05.eng

Previously on "Girlfriends'
Guide to Divorce"...

Open up your mouth, and the
hypocrisy just flows out.

I'm sick of being told that
I don't know my own mind.

I'm not gonna be a professional wife.

Are you watching porn?

You crossed the line, Frumpkis!

Frumpkis and Charlene booked
Zoey's flight first class.

She is a monster.

I'm going to Latvia for four months.

- Right.
- Is everything okay?

I have to head back to the office.

Hey, what happened to dinner?

I had to leave before I completely lost it.

- Gorgeous.
- This girl. Jowls.

- I'm not kidding.
- She looked real.

I appreciate your opinion, Phoebe.

Oh, wait. I don't.

You want to be the new face of divorce?

Knock yourself out.

If you want to do a follow-up piece,

don't you need a follow-up date?

You have to go find solace in other men!

No functional adult would have knocked up

his 26-year-old actress rebound.

Oh, my God. I pulled out.

- You pulled out?
- Yes!

And we just can't fix it.

I think my heart is breaking.

We are just these people together.

_

Abby, that is so sad.

I cannot believe you are going
through all that with Jake.

Yeah, what's going on with the CW baby?

You and Jake telling the kids?

Um, we're talking about it.

I, uh... and I'm really sorry
I didn't tell all you guys

what was going on. I was just such a mess.

- No.
- Yeah.

But I'm through it now.

I am through the storm, so...

You just, uh... You seem a little, um...

- Intense.
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Like you're sweating bullets.

No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine.

Well, you know, you're signing the papers.

It's a biggie, I mean, you
can let yourself feel it.

Yeah. I do, and I will.

I do. I just... right now,
I'm stressed about work.

More drama with your boss?

She's not my boss.

- She's my editor, technically,
- Oh!

- and, yeah, you know,
- Yeah okay.

it's not so great for job stability

when she hates me and
everything I stand for,

so, you know, I have no idea

if I'm killing it or if
I'm about to be fired.

Oh, no, you're not. It just takes time.

- Yeah.
- You just got there.

She's gonna love you. Just win her over.

She's not very winnable, but that's okay.

I'm just throwing myself into it.

You know, the SheShe beast must be fed.

Ooh, fed with more sexy doctor dates.

Actually, I do have one

tonight with Dr. Harris.

Oh.

It is strictly professional, ladies.

Isn't that perfect? You get to have a date

with an even hotter version of Dr. Drew

while I get to see my fat dickwad of an ex.

What? Frumpkis? When?

He's flying in tonight on business.

Well, he says it's business,

but he probably just
wants a break from Charlene

and her inbred Kentucky lifestyle.

Okay, remember what we talked about, doll.

- We're still
mid-negotiations. - Mm-hmm.

- Do not provoke him.
- I know.

You know what my divorce feels like?

It feels like this roach under
the fridge that won't die.

- Mm-hmm.
- Yeah.

That's why God invented prenups.

Me and Gordon are going over ours

with an estate lawyer today.

Oh, my God. Delia Banai's prenup?

- That is going to be...
- Terrifying.

It's gonna be simple,
standard, and civilized.

It's gonna be very low-key and cool,

which should be your mantra with Frumpkis.

- Yes, it is.
- Cool.

It is, trust me.

My kid is all I'm worried about, okay?

I don't want to get sucked
into that asshole bigamist's...

whoa, what is this?

It's my new car.

Whoo!

It is a Mirai. It runs on hydrogen.

Phoebe godmother saving the world.

Can I come to the future with you?

Well, Jo, you might have to
make peace with your past first.

- [Laughing]
- Ah. All right.

All right, I'll see you at Abby's.

See you in a few minutes.

See you soon. Drive safe.

[Rock music]

I'm so sorry about the
whole Frumpkis coming

and, you know, us being
so disconnected since...

Since you booted me out?

Abs, I told you. We're fine now.

- Okay.
- Okay?

Mm-hmm.

- Kind of.
- So, ladies?

All: Mm-hmm?

I have some news.

Guess who passed her GED.

[Gasps] Oh, my God.

Phoebe, that's amazing.

I didn't even know you
were taking your GED.

Oh, well, you're not the only one

with a secret double life, Abby McCarthy.

Oh, my God. What brought this on?

I don't know, not finishing high school?

And if I want career prospects

that don't involve smiling
pretty for a camera,

I needed a high school diploma,

so I worked my ass off,

went for it, voil?.

But why so secretive?

Because if I didn't pass,
it would be humiliating.

But you did, which is fantastic.

We have to celebrate.

- Oh, it's just a little test.
- We should throw a party.

- She should have a prom.
- Yes.

She's a graduate.

- Oh, my God.
- I never had a prom.

- With a limo?
- Oh, get SheShe to pay for it.

You could spin it into some kind

of glamspirational bullshit piece.

I would be happy to write
about something other

than my dating life,

but what do you think, Phoebe?

If I can inspire women
to graduate high school

and get a free open bar, why not?

It's a SheShe win-win, right?

To Phoebe! A SheShe win-win.

All: SheShe win-win.

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

- [Funky music]
- [Doorbell rings]

[Knocking]

Hey.

- Hey.
- What are you doing here?

It's Lilly�s. She left it yesterday.

Oh, thank you. I could have come to get it.

Really not a big deal. Lilly?

You look nice.

- Uh...
- Thank you.

You been busy, huh?

Back in the saddle?

What does that mean, the saddle?

That means you twittered and, you know,

date with Dr. Harris.

- And that is for work.
- [Laughs]

My bad.

Miss Forgetful,

I will be charging you for miles.

Thanks, Daddy. Sorry.

Did you talk to your mom yet?

- About what?
- It's nothing.

It's fine. Can we leave soon?

I'm gonna be late for algebra.

Yeah, just go see if your
brother's almost ready.

What is that about?

[Whispering] I think
she's having a hard time.

She got her hopes up, but, uh...

Did she say something to you?

She needs to speak to you, okay?

- Okay, I will get on that.
- All right, great.

I just haven't found the right words...

are you okay?

Living the dream.

[Funky music]

Mom, we're back.

Well, look who decided

to grace us with his...

Frumpkis?

Hey, Jo.

Who the hell are you,
and what have you done

with my fat dirtbag of an ex?

- Mom, be nice.
- Honey, it's okay.

It's a fair statement.

Okay, well, wow.

Uh, so what kind of
business brings you out here?

You on a nationwide
search for a third family?

Mom.

It's good to see L.A. hasn't
softened your edge, Jo.

Oh, no, it hasn't.

No, look, I just wanted
to pop in and say hi.

- Uh-huh. Hi.
- Hi.

I'm on my way to some investor meetings.

You know, they shouldn't take too long.

Maybe you and I could sit
down while I'm here, catch up.

Yeah, maybe you're high. Yeah,
no. That's not gonna happen,

but the kid's excited to see
you and spend some time with you.

Yeah, Dad, there's this
emerging artists exhibit

at the Annenberg.

Well, all right, anything
you want to do, kiddo.

Hey, you know, we should stop
by the bakery while I'm here too.

- Yeah.
- My bakery, cabron, mine.

Your bakery.

- Yeah.
- My bad.

Bye.

- What the hell was that?
- That's Charlene.

She's got him doing yoga,
tennis, eating salad.

- Salad?
- Yeah.

You don't make friends with salad.

Dad's changed. He really has.

And then maybe we could decorate the place

with some fun prom themes
like "Under the Sea".

"Under the Sea"? I never got that.

What high school senior
dreams about being a merman?

[Laughs] Totally.

I love mermen.

Okay, well, how about, um,

"Year of the Dragon"?

That was the theme of my prom
if I had finished senior year.

Okay, that's hot.

- That, I'm feeling.
- Awesome.

Oh, and Abby and I discussed having

a "rock your decade" dress code,

like, when you went to prom, '80s, '90s.

Yes, and I already have

the cutest '80s ensemble picked out.

It is day-glo sequins
with big puffed sleeves...

I'm gonna go full Cyndi Lauper
with a bit of Sheena Easton

with some pink, frosty lip gloss.

Oh, my God.

I love Sheena Easton.

- She's my fave. Hit me, girl.
- Oh, yeah.

[Both laugh]

Okay, let's talk prom dates.

Ooh, no, I just ended
things with this guy, Marco.

He was black.

I just said that because you're black.

I'm so sorry. Is that awful?

Okay, it's hilarious 'cause you're a riot.

- Oh.
- People do it all the time.

They're like, "did y'all
go to preschool together?

- 'Cause he's black too."
- No.

It's fine. All right.
Want me to find you a date?

No. This is my fantasy prom.

I want it to be all about girls going stag,

hitting the dance floor,

no mermen.

That's what I was going
to write about, not mermen.

You know, this is Phoebe's story.

It's about reconciling
her present with her past.

I...

Love that.

Really?

But I think Phoebe should write it.

[Light jazzy music]

Um, I'm not a writer.

But it's your journey, your point of view.

[Chuckles nervously]

- That was crazy right?
- Yeah! Yes it was.

Great, though.

Me doing the story?

You didn't have to say yes.

I don't want to step on your toes

with the column or anything.

No, honey, no, you're
not stepping on my toes,

and besides, my toes are tough.

They're like little rocks.

Okay, great.

I don't know.

I just wrote that one piece
for the school newsletter,

and now I'm writing for SheShe?

Well, you know, you don't have to write it

if you don't feel comfortable.

It's completely understandable.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I thought Barbara seemed
pretty sold on the idea.

Barbara's not exactly
my number one fan, so...

Oh, so you think she
only offered me the column

just to piss you off.

Oh, I... no.

I mean, of course not that, but I just...

you just don't have to
feel any pressure, right,

to write anything.

This is your prom.

If I write it, you get to just enjoy it.

All right, let's stick to the game plan.

Great.

- Unless you really want to
- No.

- Okay.
- I mean, yes, you write it.

- Okay. You sure?
- Yeah.

Looks like we are all
in line with the basics.

You would each leave the marriage

with what you had upon entering into it.

Per the lady's demands.

- Luckily, I'm not leaving.
- Me neither.

Let's go over child custody.

No, that won't be necessary.

We're just gonna go
with the standard terms.

Fine, let's move on to
child support payments.

The same, standard.

All right, but you do need
to appoint child guardians

in the case of both of your deaths.

Fine, do you want to
just go with your mother?

I don't have any viable
options in mine, so...

I'm sorry.

Have you two not discussed
any of this stuff yet?

Oh, it's been mentioned.

Believe me, it's been hard
enough just getting this lady

to the altar.

Look, I'm not your therapist or anything,

but you might want to
more than mention it, soon.

Can we just wrap this up please?

[Rock music]

- This place is rocking, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

- I love the new design.
- Mm-hmm.

- How's business?
- Amazing.

In the morning, it's swarming
with Venice beach jackasses,

but not that I'm here much.

I've got a pretty hectic dating life.

- Oh, really?
- Uh-huh.

Do tell. Anyone special?

Actually, his name's none
of your goddamn business.

- Forget I asked.
- His dick is huge, though.

Okay, I get it.

Look, I'm glad you're good, and, uh...

[Sighs] I want you to be happy.

Way to really sell it.
I like that little sigh

you threw in in the middle there.

- It's brilliant.
- You don't think I mean it?

Oh, the guy I know doesn't
know how to mean it,

and he also doesn't spend his days

in a backwater cornfield
doing downward dog, either.

I was a disaster.

I can own that now.

And I know that I hurt
both of you very deeply.

I'm sorry about that, Jo.

I am.

Robbie F.?

Scotty.

Come here, you limey son of a bitch.

Hey.

Do my eyes deceive me,

or have you shed a few pounds?

- I mean...
- Eh, a few.

I did this field of greens juice
cleanse, total game-changer.

- Yeah, I've done that one.
- Yeah.

Kale, cucumber, in one end, out the other.

Yeah, yeah, and then kaboom.

- Summer in a bottle.
- Right through the system, man.

Total yokage.

[Rock music]

Well, how much weight did he lose?

Oh, it's not about the weight.

He's a known lunatic,

but he's acting all reformed,
and it's freaking me out.

I need to lure the party animal,

real Frumpkis, out of this tube

that the Southern Belle
from Hell has locked him in.

Well, I'm sure you'll
come up with something

appropriately devious.

Um, listen, I got to go because, uh,

Dr. Harris is picking me up soon.

He's taking me to this new
mystery spot in Boyle Heights.

Yikes.

- Don't get dead.
- No. No.

Well, you aren't missing a beat

getting back on the dating horse.

You sure you're ready for this?

Yeah, I am totally ready.

I am absolutely great.

Okay, I got to go. Bye.

Bye. Hmm.

[Phones beep]

[Solemn music]

[Jazzy music]

[Laughter]

Get ready. You're gonna like this.

Yeah?

Better be SheShe-worthy.

Is this where you take all your dates

- [Laughing]
- to murder them,

or just the ones that have minor
breakdowns on the first date?

Oh, that wasn't a minor breakdown.

[Laughs]

So is this resolved, this
married/not-married thing?

Totally, yeah. Feel great.

It's just... all that stuff,

it's just nice to have it behind me.

- You seem great.
- Thank you.

- You ready?
-
We're gonna shout

Okay.

[Indistinct chatter]

What is this place?

It's the best Polynesian
restaurant in town.

They've got a coconut shrimp
that will just blow your mind.

- [Popping]
- Oh!

Mama Bitna... [Speaking Chinese]

Oh, ooh-la-la,
Henry.

- Yeah, hello, Ni hao.
- Oh.

Abby, this is Mama Bitna.

- She's the owner.
- Nice to meet you.

Nice to meet you too.

I love your place.

You hold on to this one.

Henry's big face on TV.

Mama Bitna is also my publicist.

[Laughs]

[Lively music]

- [Popping]
- How did you find this place?

I was treating Jay Z once. He had...

Wait, I need to guess for what.

Whooping cough.

- How did you...
- I'm a genius.

- First guess.
- [Laughs]

[Surf-rock-style
electric guitar music]

- That's great.
- [Laughs]

[Laughing]

Hey, nice.

Yeah!

- It's amazing.
- [Laughs]

[Crackling and popping]

[Cheers and laughter]

- Good job, God.
- [Chuckles]

I second that.

[Chuckles]

It's been a while

since I've pulled a
non-medical all-nighter.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

You're pretty easy to be with.

You too.

- [Birds chirping]
- [Chuckles]

- [Shivers]
- Mm.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

- It's a little big.
- [Chuckles]

I really need my Uber to get here

because I have lots to do before Friday.

Oh, that's right, the prom.

I read your tweets about that.

Instagram the hell out of that, will you?

Oh, SheShe will make sure I do.

Yeah.

You want to come on Friday?

Oh, my God, are you asking me to the prom?

I guess I am, yeah. [Laughs]

I'm honored.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

I might be able to swing by.

[Murmurs indistinctly]

[Sultry rock music]

Prom night!

This is so high school.

- When is Delia getting here?
- In a bit.

She's swamped at work,
but I invited Barbara.

- Is that okay?
-
And you make it fine

She's the editor.

We're getting ready in the limo,

and it's all part of the story, right?

Oh, my God.

Lisa Rinna has confirmed
for tonight's event plus one.

Yes!

Maybe she's bringing the "Mad Men" hubber.

Lisa Rinna, really?

Are you not into the lips?

I just thought it'd be
a little more intimate.

The celebrity list is
really important to SheShe,

and these are people I
need to meet for work.

What? [Laughs]

Harris just posted a picture
of us with the Tiki dancer.

- Oh, that's sweet.
- Oh, my God.

That is so great.

I should be tweeting about my
maybe mystery date for the prom.

#abby.

- Jo?
- Hmm?

- Pace yourself.
- I'm a teenager.

Teenagers don't pace.

[Laughs]

[Laid-back music]

Hey, man, thanks again for this.

I, uh, had to get the
hell out of that apartment.

You ain't lying.

I saw you schlumping around
the school the other day.

I said, "someone needs to act.

That man needs a
search-and-deodorize mission."

Yeah.

I have just never been with
anyone like Harris bef...

Okay, okay, tap the brakes a little, Abs.

Come on. You're not with him yet.

And you just mailed in your
divorce papers, you slut.

Well, at least I didn't
invite the man I'm divorcing.

- Yeah.
- Mm-mm.

- I still can't believe that.
- He keeps asking me to coffee.

So you asked him to prom?

This is my chance

to blow up his annoying reformed guy ruse.

For Zooey.

I get him to implode
before he breaks her heart.

I'm a genius.

- Just like the prom
nights of yore. - Mm-hm

We are gonna give you
the girlfriend experience.

- We are going to dance
our asses off, - Mm-hm

and when we are completely wasted,

we are going to do the
photo booth pile-in.

And then we're gonna sneak
into the girls' bathroom,

smoke some cheap cigarettes

until the teacher catches
us and sends us to detention.

And that's when
we go to In-n-Out.

- Oh!
- No.

- In the limo.
- No!

- Yes.
- Waffle House.

- [Doorbell rings, knock at door]
- Come in! It's open!

- Whoo!
- [Laughs]

- Hi.
- Abby McCarthy?

Oh, sorry.

Phoebe, I forgot to tell you, um...

I asked SheShe if they would
hire me some pros, you know,

for hair and makeup.

So you guys can totally partake.

Let's just set up in here.

[Sultry jazz music]

This is strong. I think we have a shot.

Nope, there is no way

the judge is throwing
this out before trial.

Leave it to you to burst my bubble.

Oh, which reminds me,

how'd it go yesterday, the
prenup meeting with Gordon?

Oh, right, that was good.

It was just easy.

[Laughs]

[Sighs]

Gordon, he just... he
wants to have kids some day.

He said that he'd give that up for me,

but I'm pretty sure that
he would resent me forever.

Well, don't not have kids just to win.

I mean, I'm not trying to talk
you into anything here, but...

I just... I don't want
to become somebody else.

I don't want to become
some kind of pod mom.

That's not possible.

Hey, you are Delia Banai.

You would strap that baby on
your back, breeze into court,

and nail the cross
without breaking a sweat.

[Sighs] You're so sweet.

I mean it.

You're our powerhouse.

Look, whatever you decide, baby or no baby,

we'll make it work.

This firm can't afford to lose you.

I can't afford to lose you.

I don't know what I would do without you.

Oh, me too, Albert.

I feel the same way.

Oh, my God.

I, um... uh, you know, excuse me.

I have to just... I'm... I'm...

I have to go.

Shit.

[Indistinct chatter]

So how you dealing with everything, man?

It was a tough week, but, uh,

you know, it is what it is.

I mean, I'm glad the shoot's coming up.

I'm gonna miss the kids,
but I think it'll be good

to get out of here, you know?

Why didn't you tell us what was going on?

Come on, man. It was complicated.

Man, does she make moving on look easy.

Do you follow her on Twitter?

I mean, she's bringing a
mystery date to her prom.

I mean, the only mystery is, what does she

and the CNN douchebag have to talk about?

- Okay, you know what?
- 'Cause that guy's a real...

as much as I love Abby, I vote we don't

talk about her for the rest of the night.

Deal?

Hey, deal.

[Alternative rock music]

[Woman singing indistinctly]

- Jo, can I ask you something?
- _

Is it just me,

or is Abby and her team
feeling a little bit like...

Diana Ross and the Supremes,
and we're the Supremes?

- Totally.
- Mm-hmm.

And don't even get me started
with her bringing the CNN dude

- two seconds after her divorce
- I know...

is finalized

Here's the thing about Abby.

Every time she's stressed,

she turns on the whole
"everything's fine" front.

Mm.

["Push it" by
Salt-N-Pepa plays]

- Oh, my God.
- [Mouthing words]

[Gasps] This is my theme.

[Laughing]

- [Grunts]
- Hello?

- [Gasps]
- Hello.

Oh, you made it.

Both: Mwah. Mwah.

- You're here.
- Oh.

Okay, you got to give that girl credit

'cause she has been tweeting up a storm.

- Our readers are all over Abby.
- Yeah.

And why is she writing the piece?

- I wanted to read your story.
- Oh, we agreed she's the pro.

Yeah, but I like that you're not a pro.

You know, you're fresh
and smart and unique.

So you offering me the piece
had nothing to do with Abby?

No, not at all.

[Indistinct chatter]

- Yes.
- Her job is to go to a prom.

Not a job, going to a prom.

- Sounds fun to me.
- Oh, come on, man.

If I weren't here with your
drunk ass, I'd have gone.

I had a great time at my prom.

- I did, if you know what I mean.
- Ooh, you got laid?

No, I got to third base and a half

with Karen Marks

on the 30-yard line, and actually,

I should probably call it an incomplete

'cause I actually ended
up just coming in my...

Got it. Yep, yep, got it,
Captain Overshare.

- Got it. Got it, yeah.
- Sorry. Okay. Okay. Sorry.

Yeah, my buddies and I had a prank

planned for our prom,

except we were foiled by our gym teacher.

Bastard. What was the prank?

Let's just say ducks.

[Sighs]

FYI, I don't normally show this much tit,

but my bigamist soon-to-be-ex
husband is my date tonight,

and he's a former porn addict,

and I just want to slam him with my cleave

in the face, metaphorically
speaking, you know?

Not real metaphoric,

and that was a lot of information.

It was. I'm sorry.

Oh, my God, you are so hot!

All right, I'm calling it!

She will be a prom queen by 10:00

and knocked up by 11:00!

Oh, no!

No! [Both laughing]

- [Gasps]
- Hello.

- Ooh!
- Wow.

- [Laughs]
- Abby.

Ta-da.

What decade is that?

Oh, uh, this one.

What happened to day-glo sequins?

Oh, uh, you know, since Harris is coming,

I started to think that,

um, this will be our first
big public event together,

and we'll probably be
photographed a lot, so...

- [Door rattles open]
- Sorry, sorry.

- Work was really busy.
- [All screaming]

Oh, my God, everyone looks amazing.

Oh, my God, you look so hot.

Okay, we're all here.

- Pre-prom
selfie. - Oh, yeah.

- Yes?
- Okay.

- Okay, get in. Get in. Get in.
- Yes.

Everyone, on the count of
three, say, "prom night rocks."

All: Prom night rocks!

Whoo!

[Upbeat rock music]

[All cheering]

Yeah, baby!

["We Got the Beat" by the Go Go's plays]

- Oh, shit.
- [Laughter]

All right, guys...

So I want you to get as many shots

of these dresses as you can.

There is some Debbie
Gibson look-alike in here

that you... Oh, I think I saw her.

Come here. Follow me.

_

Oh, I want to get a photo of you

with Mario Lopez for the site.

- [Laughs]
- Abs, dance break!

Hey, she's needed on the dance floor stat.

I... I can't right now,
but I'm coming, I promise.

Come on. Please come dance.
Come dance. Come dance.

- Please!
- I'm work... Phoebe, I'm working.

Oh, there he is.
Ba-ba-ba-ba-bap. Here we go.

- [Chuckling]
- Whoa.

Jo, that dress, va-voom.

The girls just want to
have a little fun, hmm?

- Drink, come on.
- No.

If I wanted to poison
you, you'd be dead by now.

- It's spiked punch.
- I don't drink much anymore.

Charlene says that alcohol
is liquid avoidance,

and it's full of sugar.

Oh, Jesus H. Frumpkis, come on.

I'm not gonna tell your boss, Charlene.

Ha, she's not my boss.

Okay, let's forget our crap

and have a little fun tonight, huh?

- Huh.
- Come on.

Shall we?

- Hmm.
- Follow me.

Your column is life, Abby.

Oh, my God, thank you so much.

Sorry, excuse me just one second.

-
We got the beat

Harris just texted!

He's not coming!

Oh, sorry. That sucks, Abby.

Now I have to go spin this.

[Indistinct chatter]

Sea urchins?

White people will eat anything.

Hey, Clark Kent!

I'm not paying to find your Lois Lane!

Take a picture!

Get to clicking!

Oh, my God, you are so awesome.

- [Laughs]
- Oh, well, thanks.

Will you be my life coach?

Oh, absolutely.

Uh, first life lesson:

Don't idolize anyone.

Totally.

Who let Ian Ziering in?

I'll be right back.

Okay.

[Upbeat music]

Hey, are you okay? You seem a little off.

Yeah, you know, things are just, like,

a little tense with Gordon, but it's great.

Frumpkis is on his second punch.

This is gonna be a cinch.

He'll be the old Frumpkis in no time.

- Still having fun?
- Yeah, it's really...

it's really exciting.

Oh, oh, right here, right here.

- It's been a long time, right?
- I know.

[Camera shutter clicking]

Well, this has certainly become
The Abby McCarthy Show,

hasn't it?

Guess who stole some champagne.

- [All exclaiming]
- Oh, my God.

[Laughter]

- Okay, it's not just me, right?
- No.

No, SheShe Abby freakin' shucks.

- Sucks.
- You know what?

If she wants the prom
so bad, she can have it.

Mm-hmm.

I am so happy right here with my girls.

- Amen, sister.
- Mm-hmm.

I'll drink to that.

- Yeah, you will.
- All righty. There you go.

Delia, what is going on with you?

Nothing.

I just had a really strange day at work.

- I almost made out with my boss.
- What?

- No shit, are you serious?
- With Albert?

- Are you serious?
- What is wrong with me?

Nothing's wrong with you.

Back in the day, I dumped my prom date

to get finger-banged by
a weird trombone player.

- Ew.
- Ugh.

- I'll never forget that.
- No.

[Laughter]

Hey, there you are.

Um, Mitchell asked us

if we could all do a
girlfriends photo for my column.

Oh, Mitchell's so sentimental.

You can rain check for us.

Seriously?

Yeah.

- It's a photo.
- Oh, we can't.

We're too busy analyzing the fact why Delia

decided to shove her tongue
down her boss's throat.

Oh, would you please?

Is something going on with Gordon?

Hey, Janice Dickinson's a fan,

and she wants to meet you before she goes.

Go work, Abby. We've
got it all handled here.

- Mm-hmm.
- Okay.

I don't know how I magically offended you.

Really? You have no idea?

I know that I put together
this big, elaborate event

for you tonight

so that you can have your own prom.

And then you totally hijacked it,

you and Harris,

you and SheShe, you and your column!

All right, all right, all
right, let's just calm down.

Now, that is exactly what this about.

I am so sorry your huge
ego couldn't handle someone

wanting me to talk about
my experience for once.

You can talk about your
experience all you want,

Phoebe, but I'm sorry.

This is my column, and I
have worked very hard for it.

I worked hard too.

I worked my ass off,

and I finally accomplished
something that I'm proud of.

You passed the GED!

That doesn't make you a writer.

Wow.

[Somber music]

[Indistinct chatter]

Abby.

You were pretty harsh back there.

Back off, Barbara.

My friends have turned
into a pack of mean girls

that resent me, and a
guy that I really liked,

that I can actually see
myself being with, stood me up.

Being with? Okay.

You went on two dates with the doctor,

so reel it in a little bit

and make nice with your
friend who is hurting.

Do you even like Phoebe,

or are you just saying that to piss me off?

Good Lord, who's being a mean girl now?

You.

You have resented me from day one,

and I am just sick and
tired of tiptoeing around you

trying not to upset you.

You want to hate me?

Get in line.

[Ducks quacking]

[Laughter]

Here, ducky, ducky, ducky, ducky.

- Look at the ducks.
- Whoo! Hoo!

- Oh-ho, look at that.
- [Laughing]

Take your picture with the ducks.

Abby, Rhonda, Jo!

- Yes!
- There you are.

Bring those big, bad titties on over here.

Oh, there's the pervert I know.

I'm having some really
bad high school flashbacks.

- Oh.
- Can we get out of here?

I've got keys to the bakery.

[Speaking Spanish]

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah.

Yeah, yeah. [Speaking indistinctly]

[Laughing]

Bye, ducky.

- [Ducks quacking]
- All right.

- Bye!
- Really?

[Laughter]

I'm getting rid of my pillows.

FYI, we took 'em from Echo Park,

so you should probably
return them to there.

Them is street ducks.

Ghetto ducks.

[Laughter]

Jesus, Jake, put that down.

Ow!

You're so controlling, Marge Simpson.

Did you talk to Lilly yet?

What? No. I... Not yet.

Abby, talk to your daughter.

I was going to.

What are you even doing here?

And ducks? Seriously, Jake?

You knew this night was important to me.

You know what? I'm sorry,
I can't just mail the papers

and then look all clean

and put on a beautiful dress
and then go with my new guy

who's got a jaw that's
all square and go to a prom

and then everything is great with life.

I have to feel this.

Is that what you think,
that this is easy for me?

I don't know.

You're certainly having a good time.

Trust me, I am just

trying to stay in motion,

because I am afraid if I stop,

I will not be able to
get going again, ever.

[Indistinct chatter]

Like a shark that's got to keep moving;

otherwise it's gonna get the feels and...

[claps]

Yes.

[Soft rock music]

[Man singing indistinctly]

Oh, my God, you smell like wet duck.

- Ah.
- It's okay.

- Mmm.
- Ah.

[Laughter]

- Mmm... mmm.
- Oh, mmm.

[Pots clanging]

[Grunting]

Scott!

Dude, what the hell, man?

- Hey!
- Come on!

Classy cummerbund, RF.

Um, Jo, this is...

Mary, I know.

I frickin' hired her a week ago.

What is this, the third
employee you've kitchen-banged?

You told me you'd never done this before.

Well, not with you.

Hey, hey, come on, come on, Mindy, cupcake.

- Mary, Mary.
- Mary...

Mary, Mary!

[Laughing]

[Laughing] Did you see what he...

[Both laugh]

Oh, we used to be like that.

You couldn't keep your hands off me.

Oh, please,

you were the groper,

always trying to jump me
on the roof of your place,

putting on a show for that homeless lady

in the alleyway, you remember?

Those were the days.

Yeah.

It was never boring.

Mm-mm.

Whoa, whoa, wait.
No, no, Jo, Jo, Jo, I can't.

I can't. I can't do this.

I can't do that.

Well, then don't touch my hair,

because you know my hair is
one of my erogenous zones.

You're right. Um, I'm sorry.

This isn't who I am anymore.

Oh, come on, Frumpkis.

Give me a break.

You haven't changed.

Charlene, she's just
stomped down on your crazy.

That's what that bitch has done.

- That's not true.
- Yeah, she has.

No, it's not true. She makes me better.

She... [Sighs]

She helps me.

So, what, I brought you down?

We brought each other down.

Go back to Kentucky

and meditate on a bale
of hay with Charlene.

I didn't just come here for business.

I closed on a house in Hancock Park.

We're moving here.

We?

Come on, please.

I want to be closer to Zooey...

Well, me and Charlene.

She wants to get to know her better.

Over my dead body!

Over my dead body!

I never, ever

want you near my daughter ever,

ever again!

[Somber music]

["You are Fire" by Lany plays]

[Laid-back music]

Hey.

I saw Jake and the, uh, ducks.

Yeah.

You okay?

Fantastic.

I just put Jake and Ford in an Uber

and gave the driver 100
bucks for puke cleanup.

How about you? Do I
have to worry about you?

No, I just... I got a little mixed up.

But it's fine. Nothing happened.

I'm just gonna make it
right with Albert tomorrow.

You have a good thing with Gordon.

- Mm-hmm.
- That's hard to find.

- Yeah.
- I should know.

God, before Harris bailed on me tonight,

I thought, "finally, work
and life fitting together,

making sense."

Abby, did Harris ever say that
he was absolutely gonna be here?

Not exactly.

Oh, maybe it was all the tweeting,

but he said he didn't mind.

Whatever. Whatever.

I've just been so focused
on work and on the Abby Show

that I... Harris was just the casualty.

Really?

That was the only casualty?

You know what?

Phoebe said a lot of
awful things to me too.

Wow. Are you serious right now?

This whole thing was
supposed to be about Phoebe.

W-was it ever a question

that you were gonna graduate from college,

much less high school?

I'm pretty sure everybody's
been telling you your whole life

how smart you are.

Phoebe's never had that,

and you just shit all over it.

[Gentle music]

[Camera shutter clicking]

Barbara.

[Indistinct chatter and laughter]

The DJ just asked me what it was like

when Clinton's husband was president.

[Laughs]

I think I'm done,

but thank you for an unforgettable evening.

It was my pleasure.

Are you okay?

Golden. Good night.

Good night. Be safe.

Hey.

Hey.

I made you something.

It kind of sucks, but, um...

_

[Indistinct chatter]

- [Snorting]
- [Feedback whines]

Excuse me, can I have
everyone's attention please?

Hello. Ooh, hi. [Laughs] Hello.

Thanks so much, everyone, for being here.

The last four years
have been quite the ride,

but every ride has to come to an end.

[Laughter]

But tonight, it is our honor

to present this year's award

for most likely to succeed

to Miss Phoebe Conte.

[Applause]

That's so sweet.

[Indistinct chatter]

[Tender music]

Yay. [Laughs]

Where did Delia go, did she leave?

I... she's probably having
some sexy sexy time with Gordon.

Ho-ho. Ooh.

Oh, I have a genius idea.

What?

Why don't we write the
whole prom piece together?

- Oh.
- That'd be so much fun.

Maybe? I don't...
I don't know if I want to.

- What?
- I think I got...

I think I got caught
up in feeling the love.

I think I need to hit the pause button

and think about what's next for my future.

You sound like an actual
high school graduate.

You sound highly confused.

Thank you.

[Laughs]

I'm sorry about Harris not showing up.

Oh, I just hate not knowing where I stand,

and the other night, it felt so

real and special and...

Isn't that funny?

All real one night,

and all poof the next.

[Laughs]

[Gentle music]

Hey, where's the duck?

Do you want to go into our limo?

- Uh-huh. I'm gonna drop you.
- Okay.

Hello, limo driver.

Hello.

- Ow!
- [Laughs]

Hey. [Laughs]

Sorry to just show up like this.

Wh... what's up? Is everything all right?

Everything's great, yeah.

I just wanted to talk to you in person.

IRL.

Okay, uh,

now isn't exactly the best time.

Um, did I do something wrong?

Uh, no, wrong?

I don't know what you mean.

Because you didn't show up tonight.

I mean, I know I got carried away

with the posting of the photos,

and I... I really made a fuss about you...

Abby, I went out to have
drinks with a friend.

One thing led to another,
and... and that's all.

Are you on a date?

Could you keep your voice down, please?

Oh, my God, is she here right now?

Abby, Jesus.

I thought I finally met someone
who had her shit together.

Oh, I... my shit is so together,

it is compact.

Go home, Abby.

- You're not ready for this.
- Oh, yeah?

Well, you're not ready for this.

- [Knocks]
- Hi.

Delia.

What are you wearing?

I... I came here to apologize

for that moment earlier.

- It just...
- Delia, hold on.

No, please let me finish.

I respect you,

and I value our professional relationship,

and I would hate to
think that I did anything

to jeopardize that or to weird...

Mmm.

No, I can't.

I can't.

Jo?

- Hey.
- What happened?

Oh, I made an ass of myself.

Well, you wouldn't believe what I just did.

Did you throw yourself at your ex-husband,

get rejected, and start
hurling cream puffs at his head?

Almost.

Sans the cream puffs, but, uh,

if I had some...

I still want him.

Oh, God, I don't even
like the new Frumpkis.

He's this juice cleansing pussy.

I like the old asshole version better.

What is wrong with me?

Oh, no.

Maybe the same thing that's wrong with me.

I don't think I'm handling
the Jake thing so well.

These residual feelings with exes,

trying to move on or not,

it's making me loco.

[Laughs]

[Sultry music]

[Heavy breathing]

[Door clicks and rattles]

Mom?

What are you doing out of bed?

'Cause I need to talk to you.

I'll be passed out upstairs.

Okay.

Okay, honey,

I just need you to know
that Mommy's not at her best.

It's okay. I just...

I know that you've been having a hard time

and we need to talk, and I've
been meaning to talk to you...

I want to move in with Dad.

What?

I want to see him more, and
it's not gonna be forever,

just until he goes.

Uh, okay, can we

talk about this in the morning?

I have to ask your Dad...

Dad says it's okay. I just have to ask you.

So, can I?

Mom, please.

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
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