All language subtitles for Girlfriends Guide to Divorce s02e01 Rule Douchemobile.eng

Previously on "Girlfriend's
Guide to Divorce"

I believed it all when I wrote it... but
now I think "What a pile of horse shit".

I know you guys are getting a divorce!

- We're not getting a divorce!
- Abby! Yes we are.

I'm going to give you the
"younger man" experience.

Ralph saw them at the chateau with the
CW actors, they were getting a room.

- Jo! I thought you were comin' tonight?
- No, I decided not to lose the day.

She's opening another vegan bakery.

Cat has been my editor for 15 years.

And she sends you hugs and kisses.

(Delia) I'm sleeping with my client.

I could get into serious trouble,

maybe even disbarred.

I was 14, and Kori fed me

pills and drinks to loosen me up.

We are signing this week.

Let's drive down to Baja.

I'm not over you, and
you're not over me either.

- Everybody knows it!
- Enough! Stop!

We are getting a divorce.

Case closed.

My husband is a polygamist

Colonel Sanders living in Kentucky

with his equestrian wife.

I just need to see what he left us for.

What?

Kori is pressing civil charges.

How does it feel to be
almost Mrs. Delia Beech?

Ultimately, it's you,

it's the one you love, and a gamble.

So I was late.

I'm having your baby.

Hey.

Hey.

_

Abby McCarthy!

I bow down to you.

Well, yes, you do.

I thought Cat was gonna...

I'm Katherine Miller.

My friends call me Kat but with a K.

- [chuckles]
- I'm Cat's boss.

- Katherine?
- Yes.

Oh, my God, hi.

Thank you for taking the time.

Well, I don't, usually.

But Cat's having a little...

messy kind of personal issue... meth.

Meth? Oh, my God.

No, no, no, no worries.

She's been at the Betty White Center.

- She's doing fine.
- Betty Ford?

Oh, yeah, she looks 15 years younger.

I'm thinking, "Whoa."

Botox got nothing on recovery.

Well, thank you so much for meeting me.

Oh, no, of course.

Oh, wait, Joss?

Joss Whedon.

Joss Whedon. Joss Whedon.

Meet Abby. Abby, Joss.

- Hey, nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

Joss wrote "Star Wars."

- No.
- No, he didn't.

I did write "Hamilton" though.

Broadway.

That's it, "Hamilton." I'm sorry.

- That's it. He did.
- You did not.

No, I could have.

Well, I am a fan of the
work you actually do.

Thank you, yours too.

Well... I'm familiar, which you're
not so much with my work at all.

I know you're a very
big deal with the nerds.

[laughter]

- Yeah.
- It was really nice to meet you.

- Get out while you can.
- Good luck with "Star Wars."

I hear it's gonna be really huge.

Knock wood.

May the force be with you.

What, he hates money?

I don't... oh, forget him.

Look, let's talk about you.

I want to talk about you.

Why aren't you divorced yet?

That piece is still getting so many hits.

This is why SheShe
begged me to get you here.

The website? They begged?

Hmm, hmm, hmm.

Helen, Helen... you got to meet her.

No, not yet, not yet, not... not... not...

Oh, sorry.

No, she's someone you need to impress.

She's SheShe founder,
basically owns the internet.

Okay.

- Okay, you
ready? - Mm-hmm.

- Okay, turn around.
- Okay, okay.

- Which one?
- Black and yellow.

Hey, Helen, hi.

Hi.

Whoo, child!

[chuckles]

- _
-
Hey

- _
-
Giving all I got

- _
-
Is not enough

[laughing] Oh, my God.

So, who has you all hot and bothered?

Oh, Kyle, hi.

My... My Hinge guy,

you know, being single.

So sometimes I Tinder, sometimes I Bumble,

sometimes I Happn.

It has no E.

So, it's official.

Everyone's in love with you.

SheShe wants you to come in and talk about

what you would do if you came on board.

I'm... wow, that's... I mean, when?

End of the week?

[upbeat music]

Hello, beautiful.

Hi, how are you?

Hi. [sighs]

- How was the party?
- Surreal.

Sting and his wife want
to be my new besties.

Do you know this site?

SheShe wants to start a new divorce page.

- Ooh, I love SheShe.
- Really?

Yeah, they're real influencers.

Great, I mean, I told
them that I knew the site,

but I actually just know of the site.

It's very GOOP,

you know, if GOOP wasn't so...

Smug and privileged?

Exactly, it covers current affairs,

and product reviews, and life hacks

for busy gals, you know, like,

hacking off your hair...
Cut back on morning routine.

It's still looking fabulous, by the way.

- Thank you.
- Okay, I get it.

I'm having a meeting
with their editorial team

this week, and apparently,
I can be the new face

- of divorce if I
nail it. - Mm, mm-hmm.

Oh, my God, no, you didn't!

Yes, we did.

- Delia, that's huge news.
- I know.

- And that is huge.
- It's crazy.

- What?
- What?

- Delia's getting hitched.
- Marriage is dead.

Delia is getting married?

Wow, holy shit, that'll be
one hell of a prenup, right?

[all laughing]

Okay, we have to meet Gordon. Now.

The girlfriends test? Oh, dear.

Don't worry, we'll go easy on him.

Proctology report, you know, e-meter,

background check.

Okay, what made you change your mind?

He wants it, and I want him.

So who says that marriage has to be

one size fits all?

We'll make it suit us.

Separate houses,

limited contact, that is my dream.

You look happy.

What is it... like, do you
know when this is gonna happen?

Do you have any idea
where? How can we help?

No, no, and I don't know,
and I'm already bored.

What I want to know is

where you went off to
after the divorce party.

- Yeah.
- Oh, don't bother, I tried.

- Jake and I just talked.
- More to say to each other?

- What, with your privates?
- Oh, my God, privates?

We did not talk with our privates.

Her vagina.

No, I was not talking with...

- What are... no.
- That's the worst word.

I was not talking with my vagina.

Can we please get back to
the more important topic

at hand, which is Delia's wedding?

My two cents is ice sculptures
are totally overrated.

If you're gonna sculpt,

do it in butter. It lasts longer.

Where you off to?

I got to get back to the bakery.

My pastry chef was supposed to be here,

but he ended up taking the bus.

We have a shop opening here in a week,

and the guy gets a fear of flying.

I swear, if he wasn't the da
Vinci of the vegan Twinkie,

I would cut him loose.
He is such a whack job.

Anyway, congrats.

- Yeah, whoo!
- Bye.

So Jo's the stable one

in that business relationship?

I would wait to order

- the wedding cake.
- Definitely.

[upbeat music]

- Oh, no.
- What?

It's career day this week.

Uh, yep. Zuma's father made "The Avengers,"

and Zara's mom is in The Black Eyed Peas.

- Zara, really?
- Yeah.

"This is my son, Topshop.

Topshop, meet Zara."

Why aren't you laughing? That was funny.

Oh, no, I just got a stupid...

Well, a huge stupid gardening offer.

The grounds of a great,
old opera house in Philly.

That's amazing.

The Philly part...

Yeah. Oh, here, after you.

I'm so sorry, but you
can't come in right now.

There's a restraining
order to protect Ms. Wingo.

- That's ridiculous.
- Are you kidding?

I'm just picking up my kids.

As soon as Ms. Wingo
leaves, you can come inside.

You know me, Gus. I'm not dangerous.

- This is cra...
- No, now,

let's not have another scene.

Here, I'll... I'll get the kids.

She's an asshole, Pheebs.

[upbeat music]

Frumpkis' Charlene booked
Zooey's flight first class.

That's nice.

Oh, she's tiny.

You throw her in coach

with a can of Pringles,
she's happy as a clam.

Now it's gonna be, "Where's
my hot towel, Ma? Wah."

They're trying to buy my kid.

Ask them to change it.

Oh, no, no, Charlene told her all about it.

She'd be crushed. Unbelievable.

Frumpkis spent all my money
on horses for that bitch,

and it turns out she's loaded.

I liked it so much better

when we thought she was
a toothless hillbilly.

I know, right? Jesus.

You know, there's Pinterest, doll,

So, so, so, so 2010.

I'm trying to nail down some visuals

for my meeting with SheShe.

Pinterest.

- I have to wow them.
- Pinterest.

[doorbell dings]

- Sweetie! Hi!
- Hi, Mom.

I got to go, I got to go.

Got to go!

Hi, I missed you.

- Bye, Charlie.
- Hi.

Can I talk to you outside
for a moment, please?

Uh, oh, okay, sounds serious.

Thank you, yeah.

Um, I ju...

[moans]

That was good, right?

You thought you were in trouble.

Wow, somebody's in trouble.

Oh, my God.

Okay, okay, the kids could come out here.

[phone buzzing]

- Oh, my God.
- It's Becca?

- Mm-hmm. - She's
calling a lot.

Well, she has that sixth sense

that exes get when they
know you're moving on.

My car's parked down the street.

Let's go.

The douche mobile?

I don't think so.

It'll be fun.

No, it's itsy-bitsy, Jake.

You're just gonna have to be patient.

[funky music]

Oh!

[panting and moaning]

Oh, God.

Orange pants, how I have missed you.

[both chuckle]

Oh, God, promise we won't lose this.

This spontaneity.

Promised. Come here.

[both moaning]

Jake, are we... stop!

Wait, Jake!

- Oh!
- No!

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

You hit

the parking brake with your knee.

Yeah, I was just shifting.

- Small car.
- Yeah.

Why were you guys in dad's car?

We needed a private place
to have a very serious...

Sit down, money... money talk.

Dad, is it totaled?

Do I still get the Porsche when you die?

- What?
- I never said that.

- [chuckles]
- [horn beeps]

Okay, that was a very expensive money talk

that we just had.

Yes, and we're not done.

I'm not finished.

Nor am I.

So what is this about
getting our stuff when we die?

He made a whole list.

It's a small one.

Shut up, assmunch.

[lively music]

Oh, coffee for me unbidden?

How positively wifely of you.

Do not start, or I will take it back.

So Abby and the girls

are insisting on an audience with you.

They want to get to know the
soon-to-be Mr. Gordon Banai.

I can take whatever they dish out.

Just tell me when and where.

No, thank you.

So... how would you feel

about eloping?

- Eloping?
- Eloping.

Isn't that something that usually happens

with a knocked-up teenager
and a gun-toting father?

The girls are just asking
all these questions,

and I don't want a big fuss.

Now that we've decided, I just...

I want to be married.

Okay, well, if that's what you want,

then I guess I'll stop
shopping for my gown.

Really?

Hmm.

[laughs] You're amazing.

Ms. Wingo wants $10,000
for emotional distress,

a public apology, and
a non-disclosure form.

That's ridiculous. It's ridiculous.

Just so I'm clear,

the two of you never had

a consensual sexual relationship?

No. I was 14.

How am I the one that is in trouble here?

Look, I wish we could lock
her up and throw away the key,

but it's probably best
just to get this over with

quickly and move on.

Ugh.

So you're saying I should just settle?

I'm saying the fight
could get long, costly,

and emotionally draining.

What if I got

a few of the other girls she did this to

to come forward?

Then it would be a different story.

[lively music]

Max! Max, come on.

You trying to kill me now?

Sorry, I'm just, uh...

I think I'm gonna take this job.

The Philly job?

- Yeah.
- Really? What's Ford say?

He gets it. It's a big job.

- Wow, Jesus, man.
- Yeah.

Well, tell Ford I'm around if he needs me.

Obviously.

What did Abby say?

Well, she was pretty bummed,

but it's not like I see much of her lately.

She's always busy.

I think maybe things are
heating up with her and Will.

Hey, how'd she react
to the Becca baby news?

- Seriously?
- Oh, man.

I'm still the only one who knows?

You know what? I was gonna tell her.

I just haven't found the right time.

Maybe you're just afraid
that if you tell her

you did something that dumb,

it might stop her from
ever taking you back.

Well, I think that ship
has sailed probably.

[laughs] Probably?

You know my sister.

She likes things in the open.

Secrets kill, Jake.

Secrets kill.

All right, let's go.

Break's over.

[lively music]

Jesus Christ!

Those are, like, serial killer duffel bags.

Who do you got in there,

Martha Stewart and Ina Garten?

Those birds are cooks.

I'm a chef.

Of pastry, say it loud and proud, mister.

Seriously, what do you got in there?

Well, this is my stuff,

and that's my food.

We have food in LA.

I don't know if you know that.

Yeah, but I have to source it,

check it for allergens,

make sure the produce is organic.

For such a dude, you are such a chick.

- Yeah?
- Uh-huh.

You want to try me?

I'll show you I'm no girl.

Oh, stop it, come here.

So where are you staying?

Yeah, I was gonna call you about that,

but, um, well, I unplugged.

No cell.

No tech.

So where am I taking you, freak?

Hello?

- Mama!
- Hey, you, hey.

There's a guy camping
in the backyard. Look.

See? Can we have s'mores?

- Please, please, please...
- Abby, I told you about Scott.

Scott, Abby. Abby, Scott.

Yes, you did, but not
that he would be here.

You have a lot of expired stuff here, lady.

Bad for the body.

[laughs]

It's just not a good time, okay?

I have an interview
for a big job this week.

And my new bakery is opening next week,

and I've got this hot house flower here

with all these allergies,
and he has no place to stay,

and I'm dying.

He's harmless.

Four days max.

- I love you so much.
- That's it.

But you tell him to stop
manhandling my kitchen.

I love you.

Thank you.

Oh, and by the way, I have been thinking

- about our living arrangement.
- Yes, me too.

I mean, you and Zooey

cannot live in this tiny,
little space forever.

Exactly, which is why I
want to make it bigger.

I... k... what?

I want to take some of my settlement money

and build you a second story.

So Zooey and I are here to stay.

It's exactly what you and I

always talked about this, remember?

- Compound living...
- Everybody talked about it.

- It takes a village.
- Everybody talked about it.

We could actually do it.

It's a... it's a big idea.

It's huge.

You and I, the village that it takes.

Don't decide now.

Think about it, okay?

- Okay.
- All right?

But Jo, we still need to talk about...

Oh, oh, oh, oh, by the way,

whatever he tells you,
do not sleep with him.

He's kind of a sex addict.

[laughs]

No, I... I totally get it,
but I think that if we...

If we went in together...

Ugh, okay, got it.

- Hi.
- Uh, just one second.

- Um, can I have some...
- Thank you.

- A white wine.
- No, I mean,

yeah, you too.

Ugh!

Worst day ever.

Oh, really? Do you have

a crazy English baker living in a tent

in your backyard? I don't think so.

No.

That sounds kind of sexy.

It's not.

No, I'm just trying to get

some of the girls I used to model with

to back me on this whole Kori thing,

but they don't want to relive the past,

or they're embarrassed, or...

God, I hate this world.

Maybe I should just settle.

No, do not do that unless you want to

regret it for the rest of your life.

- Ladies.
- All: Oh!

I hear that you have some questions for me.

Oh, yeah.

My coach wraps me in plastic wrap,

and then he has me run all over the place.

Oh, man.

- It's abuse.
- Yes, but

on a brighter note,

um, the bacon cheeseburger was really good.

It better have been.

Um, ladies?

- Yes.
- Yeah.

Private conference.

[clears throat] Do we approve?

- Absolutely.
- Hell, yes.

- Oh, I'm in.
- Yes.

- Winner.
- Let's talk wedding.

- Whoo!
- Oh, no.

Do not get married at the
beach... it never ends well.

That rings true to me, yes.

You both should be wearing shoes.

Ooh, I have a connection

at Oscar de la Renta, and I'm sure

they would design something
spectacular for Delia.

Oh, my God, can I just have a wedding again

and not get married? I did it so wrong

the first time. Wait a minute,

I have to record this for SheShe.

This is really good.

Don't get married again
just for the do-over.

Um, ladies?

Ladies, I hate to break it to you,

but we're going to be eloping.

- No.
- What? Boo!

- Are you kidding me?
- I know, boo is right.

- No, no, no, no, no.
- I... look,

I'll let you guys take it up with her.

No.

And her timing couldn't be better.

Hey, beautiful.

So did you get enough time?

No, no, no, go away, too soon.

Shall I walk around the block?

Well, we found out

you won't be needing these.

That was such a blast.

- Aww.
- Be good to our girl.

I will. I'll do it.

Well, you are the coolest

capitalist pig I've ever met.

- That's...
- That's a total compliment

coming from her. Yes, Phoebe?

Don't go home with the boring people.

- I have to.
- Please?

Both my kids have sleepovers,

and I'm gonna see Will tonight.

Ooh, [babbles].

I promise we will paint the town soon.

- Okay.
- Bye, sweetie.

- Drive safe, you guys.
- Good night.

Delia? Delia?

Please have a wedding.
Please, I need a pick me up.

Maybe Delia should drop you home.

- I am fine.
- No.

- I've just had a day.
- I know.

I've had a life.

I need a cigarette.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

[sighs]

- You're a good man.
- I try.

Where's your ring?

Oh, God, I took it off at work.

It seemed showy. My client's husband

left her for his facialist.

But you left it there? I mean...

I wasn't thinking,

but I will swing by work,

and I will get it because my finger

feels naked without it.

(Phoebe) You guys,

you guys, this is Phillip.

Phillip is a welder

and a smoker,

and I'm in love with him.

Good night, Phillip.
Say good night, Phoebe.

Mmm, good night, Phoebe.

Good night.

[passionate grunting]

[moaning]

[grunting]

Oh, holy shit!

[laughing] Oh, my God.

Is it okay if I actually tell you

that you've gotten better at that?

[laughs] Wow.

[chuckles]

Okay.

[grunts]

You sure you can't stay?

We both have work to do.

We're not gonna do any work.

[giggles]

I got that meeting with JGL tomorrow.

Ah, Joseph Gordon.

Yeah.

I have to prepare too.

The only direction Cat gave me was

lean into my brand, which means...

I think that translates
into, "Keep it sassy, gal."

Oh, yeah.

Or, um, "You do you."

[laughs]

Um, you know, at a certain point

we're actually gonna have to talk about

what's going on here, right?

I know.

Can't we just keep it
secret and delicious for now?

Mm.

So, I want to talk about

our relationship, and you don't?

We are truly Jake and Abby 2.0.

[laughs]

Okay, no, no.

Mm.

Okay.

To work, to work.

No.

Jo is down there

watching "Top Chef" with the tent guy.

Sorry.

Can we have sex again?

Can you?

Really? I...

I didn't mean it like that.

Well, I mean...

It's been, you know,

- you're old.
- We could go around that.

[phone buzzing]

Oh, look at that.

Another ex with a sixth sense.

- Sorry.
- Will.

I, um, may have

not told him the whole story.

I said that

we only talked all night.

I know, it's... I was confused,

and, uh, you know, it's
just so not his fault.

Right, so you should
probably try to drag it out

and break his heart very, very slowly.

Okay, I will tell him tomorrow.

[sighs]

[footsteps approaching]

Wowzer, check out that rock.

Jesus, Albert!

I'm sorry. I saw the light.

Working late?

Is that from who I think it's from?

It is.

[whistles]

Gonna hate losing you.

Oh, come on, I am not going anywhere.

Till you get knocked up.

Then it's bye-bye.

Might as well quit now.

Oh, well done, Albert.

That is both sexist
and possibly actionable.

Please, that man knows what he wants.

He's gonna put a baby in you
before you've had a chance

to come to your senses.

Good night, Albert.

Good night, kid.

[lively music]

[whispering] Marco?

Marco, are you up?

Marco?

Come on.

Come on.

- No, babe.
- I'm gonna get you up.

- I tried to stay up.
- I'm gonna get you up.

- But I'm tired.
- Hmm, shh!

Wow. Babe, you reek.

Are you loaded?

Come on, I drink around you.

[sighs]

Ugh!

Why is everyone so serious?

You need to sleep that off, okay?

Marco, please don't.

Marco, please, come on.

Please, please, please, please.

Look, babe,

I know you're hurting, okay?

I understand, but I can't
be with you like this.

I... when you're drinking, I can't.

[somber music]

I know.

- Okay.
- I'm sorry.

I just can't believe Kori's
gonna get away with this.

Well, don't let her.

I don't have a choice.

You always have a choice.

You're tough as hell.

Did you have a good time tonight?

It was great.

I kind of like what they bring out of you,

sort of an easy, fun side.

- I like it.
- Wow, get in the slut shot.

So I have a question for you.

I ask you something,

and I'm gonna be fine
whatever your answer is.

Oh, boy.

Your friends seemed kind of excited

about the prospect of a wedding.

Yeah, I'm not having a big
production just for my friends.

Well, it's not for them.

It's for me.

Wait a second, you want a wedding?

I want a huge, crazy feast.

I want to see you in
a outrageous gown. I...

- Ugh, Gordon Beech...
- To celebrate us.

- Groomzilla.
- You... no, I'm serious.

I know, I can see that,
and what you're describing

sounds like the seventh circle of hell.

- Really? Really,
though? - Yeah, uh-huh.

You're being honest? I
mean, you're telling me

that somewhere inside
there is not a little girl

who's always dreamt of her wedding day?

You know what? I'm sick of being told

that I don't know my own mind.

I'm pretty damn clear.

I'm not gonna be a professional wife,

and I'm not anybody's blushing bride!

[lively music]

[bell ringing]

Hi.

Um, I called about career day?

Of course.

The principal said she'd take a look

and get back to you.

Thanks.

(Jake) So again, I'm sorry

I've been off the radar.

Um, I've been prepping, and...

I just didn't want to
have this conversation

- over the phone.
- No, no, no, of course.

Thank you for coming in.

- [door opens]
- Who's nuts for Fonuts?

Got to be Jake.

Yeah.

Hey, man, Payton.

- Payton, hey.
- Yeah, hey.

Are you on the show?

Oh, no, no. Dude, I just finished

a run on a sci-fi thing in Winnipeg.

Now I'm doing the film thing.

He's running the new "X-Men."

Oh, you guys are... I'm s...

We're together, yeah,
yeah, but we go way back.

We were on, uh, "Even Stevens" together.

[chuckles]

Okay.

Both: Shia surprise!

[both laughing]

I don't know what that is.

We always dug each other, you know,

but the timing was never right

till now.

Oh, got your famotidine too, babe.

This zygote is kicking up

- some serious gas issues.
- Okay.

So you... you... he knows about the...

- Yeah.
- All the way.

Cool.

No secrets here.

- Right.
- Right.

[chuckles]

So, okay, pregnancy.

Uh, right, so I... I thought about it,

and, um...

Now is just not the right time.

Okay.

Okay.

If you're sure, that's...
Uh, it's a big decision.

- And I made it.
- Good.

Um, I'm just making... you know.

[buzzer wails in distance]

How can I help?

I've got it covered.

I just... I wanted to let
you know you're off the hook.

Okay, it's not... I don't feel on the hook.

You know, I would like...
I'll accompany you.

- I'd like to help.
- I've got it.

Good-bye, Jake.

[dark music]

So how would you describe
your baking style?

(Scott) It's like Julia Child

but in briefs.

Is that the only thing that sets you apart?

That you're a guy's guy baker?

Seriously?

I told you, I am not answering
any insipid questions.

I think what sets Rize apart

is that Scott here is such an innovator.

- Hello?
- He really is... Hi.

- What's going on?
- Abby, Abby McCarthy, the writer.

This is her, uh, place.

She's my best friend.

I cannot believe we are here again.

Again. Why didn't you ask me?

It was a last minute thing.

We were gonna do it at the bakery,

but the freaking floors aren't dry yet.

I'm so sorry.

I am going into SheShe this afternoon.

It is very important.

I need quiet.

We're almost done.

Just... just give us, like, one hour.

Here's the thing.

I have been thinking about things,

and I don't think

it's a good idea for us
making this permanent,

you know, living together.

- Oh.
- But, I mean, it's very tempting

because we love you guys, but...

But you're kicking me out

when my ass is on the line with the bakery

and my ex-husband is trying to...

- Jo, it is not like that.
- I get it.

- Obviously, you don't get it.
- I do.

Look, you're right. Zooey needs a home.

She needs stability,
and I know you're scared,

but you can do that on your own,

and we'll be here for you, all of us.

Don't Abby this.

Don't spin this into what's good for me.

Okay, we'll be out at the end of the month.

Jo, can we talk about this?

Oh, my God, are you...

[door closes]

[phone buzzing]

Hey.

[Shana Halligan's "Listen"]

The site is really great.

Um, I think I'm here

because I have been trying to take a really

positive approach to a really hard topic.

You know, lean into the
idea that divorce can be fun.

Fun? It's divorce.

Yes, it is divorce. It is awful,

and all the media

around it is so glum,

it feels like it needs
a warning label on it

like, "May cause anxiety or anal leakage."

[light laughter]

Okay, but I feel like...

Okay, sorry, Barbara, sorry.

Um, I absolutely want to hear your opinion,

but if you can just let
me say what I'm saying,

and then we can discuss afterwards,

that would be great. What I am saying

is that whatever our circumstances,

we choose our attitude,

and we can help

make that attitude more positive.

How about a weekly column
on post-divorce style?

"A new look for a new you?"
And then, of course, I'll be

writing every week about
getting out there again,

and the crazy, sexy dating stories

and, uh, all the things that sort of

go along with that.

[playful music]

Does she have a call or...?

Uh, Barbara is our... Your managing editor.

And she's amazing, but I don't think

that crazy, sexy fun is really her thing.

Got it, okay.

But great job. Really.

And if you'll have us, we're all in.

Really?

Okay.

Great.

But I don't want to move.

I know you don't, baby, but it's time.

And you'll still see Lily,

you'll still see the little weirdo,

and you finally get your own bedroom.

It's gonna be cool.

Whatever, Mom.

I'm sure it's gonna be awesome.

That's it? No more questions?

I have to finish packing.

All right.

Have you seen my laser cat shirt?

I can't find it anywhere.

Oh, your laser cat t-shirt.

No, I may have worn it.

I may have, uh, loaned it to Abby.

Mom, it's my favorite.

Oh, I'm the worst parent ever.

My gosh, kill me.

I bet Charlene won't wear your clothes.

She's probably so porky from
all the fried food in Kentucky

she can barely get her freaking
noggin through the head hole.

And don't expect any
fresh vegetables out there.

They grow 'em all in cans.

It's going to be terrible, Mom.

- Promise?
- Promise.

I'm going to hate being there

with Dad and the fathead.

Good.

You're the... you're
the best, you know that?

I know, but the manufacturing in the U.S.

is part of what we're selling.

Yeah, that's the whole point.

Listen, let me call you back.

Okay.

What is this?

Open it, please.

It's the number to the wedding planner.

Everyone swears by her.

And a Groomzilla...

Rawr. In a tux.

Yeah, I got that part. Um...

So you and this planner

tell me when and where to show up,

and I will be there

as long as I don't have
to make any decisions.

You're Phoebe, right?

Yeah.

I just... what you wrote

in the parent newsletter, you're so right.

My folks had me acting
when I was six years old.

Wow, thank you for telling me...

What is this?

Excuse me.

It was... thank you. I appreciate it.

We allowed to be this close now?

Are you threatening me?

Hi, I'm Phoebe.

Kori and I worked together a long time ago.

Hey, Jamie, what's up?

"Parents need to protect their children

"from having careers
before they have childhoods.

"As a
14-year-old model,

"I was thrust into an adult world

where innocence was a commodity
to be bought and sold."

- Seriously?
- And?

Okay, if this is how you want to play it,

- then I will see you in court.
- Kori, let's just go.

I will be happy to go into explicit detail

in front of a judge all
on the public record.

You are so crazy.

That's what people like you
say when they're cornered.

[scoffs]

No one's gonna believe you, Phoebe.

And that, they say that.

Try me, Kori.

I've got nothing to lose.

[upbeat music]

You should probably move along.

People are staring.

Come on, Bonnie, let's go. She's insane.

Let's go, Dezi.

Totally nuts.

Nice to meet you.

[sighs]

Excuse me, I, uh...

if I insulted you in any way...

Listen, Abby McCarthy,

if you're what the boss wants,

I will make my peace with that.

I'm sure the rest of the team is thrilled

about your shiny, new life

and your happy, life-affirming divorce.

I'm sure they're thrilled
about your Pilates

and your facials and your new look.

Here's what my post-divorce
life looks like: shit.

Four years ago, my husband
left me for my sister.

- Oh, my God.
- He doesn't give me a dime.

He doesn't see his kids
because he's too busy

banging my younger sister.

I have a special needs kid.

My mother has Alzheimer's,
so I have no help.

You know the last time
I had a night out? Never.

You want the section to be all positivity?

You want to be the new face of divorce?

Knock yourself out.

But this is what the real
face of divorce looks like.

It's stressed out, it's
old before its damn time,

and it's scared to death.

Barbara...

Ms. Sawyer.

Please, let's pretend there's a door here.

There's a door, and I am shutting it.

- Hey.
- Hey.

What's up?

How was your meeting?

Oh, yeah, I had to skip it.

Um, I got, like, loaded up with paperwork,

so just kind of ran out of time.

That such a good idea?

With, you know, the other night

and... I really upset
you with the drinking.

Yeah, no, it's fine.

Yeah, you know, I... I got
a little triggered, whatever.

It's not a big deal.

Just... I'll call my sponsor. It's fine.

[phone ringing]

Hey, Albert, what's up?

Really? Really?

No, that's amazing news.

Thank you.

No, of course I will.

Thank you so much.

Bye.

[ZZ Ward's "Blue Eyes Blind"]

Kori dropped the charges.

- You won.
- I won.

I won, I won, I won, I won.

I won, I won! [squealing]

I've never won anything in my life!

Oh.

Should we go in?

Oh!

Come with me.

Will, um...

[moaning]

We should stop.

We have to talk.

Oh, no, no, no, no. We can talk later.

Oh, you feel so good.

You too.

[cell phone ringing]

Hey, you okay?

You were right the other day

when you said I was rushing a big decision.

Did I say that?

Yeah.

You asked if I was sure,
and I realized I wasn't.

I was doing what my
head said, not my heart.

Okay, so...

I'm keeping it.

I'm gonna have the baby.

Oh, shit.

Really? That's what you have to say?

No, no, no, not you.

- I dr... I dr... I dr...
- I'm getting called to set.

I'll talk to you later.

Yeah, o...

[giggling]

[moaning]

Amazing.

Mmm.

What just happened?

[zipper closes] Oh, my God.

I just thought, "This,
uh, might be the last time

I touch her like that."

I should have let the feeling pass.

What?

I got to go.

I have a dinner with my publisher.

Uh, about your... your book?

- Did they buy it?
- Yeah.

That's amazing. Will...

Don't.

You've been avoiding me.

You slept with Jake the other night, right?

I don't deserve this, Abby.

I know.

I should have told you.

What, you thought the kid
wouldn't figure it out?

You know, I thought you might

take me seriously, but you never did.

'Cause of this whole age thing,
you never, ever really saw me...

That's not true. That's not true.

I think you're the most amazing man,

and I... I... I never meant to...

Hurt me? You lied to my face.

You pushed me away again and again.

[car engine starts in distance]

[somber music]

I have a family.

I have children.

[sighs]

I owe it to them to try.

Just tell me, what we had, you and me,

you tell me that you ever
felt like that with him.

He's the child, Abby.

I give you a month, two tops,

before he's sucking you dry again.

I know you can't understand...

No, I do.

You're a coward.

See, you would rather
go back to suffocating

than to risk a chance at something real.

You have no idea how rare we were.

Will, please, I care about you so much.

Yeah, well...

See, I love you.

I would've done anything for you.

[crying]

Hey, are you okay?

Um, sorry.

Let me just wash my face.

No, no, what's going on?

Um...

Bad day.

Okay. What?

Can you just hold me?

Just... tight.

I'm sorry.

Okay.

We're gonna do it right
this time, aren't we?

We're different.

Absolutely.

Hey.

We're different.

Abby, my laser cat shirt...

Oh!

-- Synced and corrected by ChrisKe --
-- www.addic7ed.com --

Repair and Synchronization by
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