Original subtitles

(Abby) Previously on Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce...

I slept with Jake, and we didn't use protection.

The morning-after pill... The box isn't open.

Were you even gonna tell me that?

You slept with her.

- Yes. - I'm done.

Gordon Beech, as in married to the designer Courtney Beech?

Was married.

- You are gonna get me fired. - We'll be careful.

Sometimes I feel like you just want to be married.

But do you want to be married to me?

Come on.

I... I can't, okay?

- What's her name? - Carla.

She works at the new hotel.

Jo's coming here, and she's gonna stay here.

I thought you broke up with her.

Well, you hated her.

Lightbulb... What about divorce?

That's an area you could write the crap out of.

- [Abby clicking tongue] - _

Divorce.

[Clears throat, humming]

Divorce, divorce...

It's what's for dinner.

Uh...

[Clears throat]

Divorce.

[Italian accent] Di-vor-che.

"Divorce doesn't...

"Have to lead to...

"Uh...

Pregnancy."

What?

(Jake) Hey, Abby, can I talk to you before I take Charlie to school?

Um, yeah.

- Hey. - Hey.

- You okay? - Yeah.

What's, you know, going on with the...

I don't know yet. I will tell you as soon as I do.

Okay, you do that.

Sorry. I'm just slammed.

I'm still working on this presentation for next week.

Finally making progress, though. That's good.

I don't understand. How many times do you have to present

the same ideas to your editors?

Not for the editors, it's for my agents.

WME wants me to pitch a new Abby strategy,

and if I don't wow them, they're gonna dump me.

Really?

Oh, Jo is coming today.

Isn't that the kind of person that just hates L.A.?

But she loves our vegans.

She's opening another vegan bakery.

It's everything-free...

Gluten-free, sugar-free, flour-free.

Yeah, the noxious garbage can of a woman is a vegan now, huh?

That's classic.

She's not noxious. She's a character.

She's a character that you should probably have stay

in a hotel, but it's not my house.

Well, I just feel bad.

I haven't return her calls in, like, 80 years.

She'll help me take my mind off the crazy pregnancy thing.

Your funeral.

Okay, um, I know this is probably really bad timing,

but I need you to take the kids...

Because I got a job.

You got a job?

- A directing job. - Oh.

Becca introduced me to this producer on Blood Sisters.

One of the directors dropped out.

I have a directing job.

They came to me. I start today.

Does it have to be this week?

Well, yeah, it's a TV schedule.

They can't move it, and we need the money.

Fine. Fine.

- I will handle it. - Thank you.

And, uh, congratulations.

Thank you.

- Dad! - Hey, buddy.

Dad, Chad wants to know if we can move to your house.

Mom has so many rules.

Will you tell Chad

that he's the nicest imaginary friend that

- I've never met? - [Doorbell rings]

- Me too. - Really?

[Dog barking]

Jo, I thought you were coming tonight.

Eh, I decided not to lose the day.

- Hey. - Hi. I wish I knew. I...

- did I break anything? - No.

Look at you. Did you get injections?

No, this is my face.

Wow, look at that. Look at this.

- Frumpkis. - No, my husband is a Frumpkis.

I know, but it suits you so well.

Yeah? So how about I call you Se?or Herpes?

- Puerto Rican, huh? - How about huev?n?

- Will that work? - Okay.

- I don't know. Is that Hebrew? - Time to go to school.

Don't say hi to Auntie Train Wreck.

Tu madre, pendejo.

Nice seeing you.

A-hole!

So glad you're here.

Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com

Oh, good morning, plastic people.

We're not staying, by the way.

I just need a serious caffeine infusion.

And I need a frickin' babysitter.

How hard is that?

So does the boss make you dress like the artful dodger,

or is this a choice?

- Don't be mean. - Sorry.

What would you like?

L.A., Jesus, you can't even annoy people out here.

- Tell him what you want. - Amazing.

Two Americanos, add three shots.

No, no, I just want a dirty chai latte with almond milk.

They're for me.

- You're gonna have two coffees? - Yeah. I got to take this.

[Cell phone ringing]

- Phoebe. - Hey.

Hi. I'm so glad you're here.

- You look beat. - I'm frazzled.

I need a babysitter. Do you have any recommendations?

All of ours are busy, and now Jake is working

and I have the kids.

Jake is working?

On Blood Sisters.

Wow. So he rides coattails...

- Professionally now. - Unreal.

Yeah, so can you please... Who do you have?

Can't. My sitter's in rehab again.

- Again? - I know.

It's, like, every 30 days.

Wait, does that mean that you're gonna be taking

Charlie and Luco out to the field trip?

I don't know what you're talking about.

To the recycling plant?

I thought Jake was chaperoning.

He told me nothing about that.

Jo. This is Jo.

This is Phoebe. Old friend, new friend.

I'm going to text him.

- How you doing? - Hi.

I can't believe we haven't met yet.

- Hi. What's going on? - Pleasure to meet you.

- How are you? - I'm good.

Whoa, what's with the bag of nightmares over there?

Oh, I have a press preview for my collection

of fine infant jewelry.

I was just telling Jo about my press preview.

You guys have to come. It's gonna be so good.

And the accessories editor at W RSVP'd.

- Wow. - I know.

- Wow. That's huge. - I know. I know. It's so huge.

It's so huge. Honestly, I thought I was gonna give up

after the whole photo shoot debacle, but I rallied.

I feel like I am on top of the world,

and I met Ralf's new little rebound chick,

and she is B,

B-plus, tops.

I got this.

You got what?

I thought you didn't want Ralf anymore.

I like the perks.

Okay, well, um, you have fun with that.

- We have to go. - Okay. Nice to meet you, Jo.

Will you please just send me all the info on that field trip?

And also, your invite, where's your thing?

[Sighs]

Please tell me the renovations to the lounge

are gonna be done by Friday.

Today's supposed to be the last day.

Thank God.

The woman to talk to is Carla.

(Phoebe) Oh, um, can I leave these here? Do you mind?

Um, hey, Carla? Carla.

Hi, I'm Phoebe, Phoebe Conte,

creative director for Infant Fabuleux.

Oh, yes, the, uh, kids' jewelry.

Yeah, it's fine jewelry for infants. [Laughs]

- Right, sorry. - No, that's fine.

I'm amazed that they booked out the lounge

for the day after we finish.

I know. Well, fashion never sleeps.

Or eats.

Your work is fabulous, by the way.

Do you ever do small spaces?

My bread and butter are small spaces.

Really?

I would love to get your input on interior stylings

for the press preview, if that's possible.

Oh, I'm flattered, but as you can see,

we are already way overextended at the moment.

No, I totally understand.

It's just that I modeled for years,

so there's gonna be a lot of industry people there.

Joleen Rozen from W. Yeah.

So I was thinking that if you help me make the place look fab,

we could both promote our work.

Yeah?

Morning, sunshine.

Hey, morning.

Anything, uh...

new on the Internet?

Eh, nope, not really.

Well...

Maybe put down the iPad.

[Chuckles]

What do you have in mind?

Oh, just physical contact.

I know that sounds hopelessly old-fashioned, but...

I wish I could, love, but I need to get to work.

Really?

Well, you didn't seem in a hurry a second ago.

Well, should I have read that blog with more urgency?

Well, maybe if you were a little less captivated

with the Internet, you'd notice we have a problem.

You know what? I don't have time for this.

I need to get to work.

Yeah, of course.

(Delia) That is ridiculous.

We see no reason to walk away from this.

The Asian market represents upwards of $70 million

in annual revenue for the brand.

Yes, my brand.

(Delia) While Ms. Beech may be the face of...

Okay, I put my heart and soul into this company.

What did he contribute?

Marketing, negotiating.

I could have paid a chimp in a suit.

Again, Ms. Beech, without said chimp, there would be no brand.

- I would advise... - I don't care what you advise.

Gordon is not entitled to half of everything.

I am the company.

I am Courtney Beech.

Yes, that is your name.

But it would not be a company

if my client hadn't single-handedly financed

the entire enterprise.

Which happens to be hugely popular in Korea

thanks to a licensing deal I negotiated.

(Courtney) It's my vision.

It's the collective vision

of a team of overworked design assistants.

You just sit behind an $8,000 desk

and tell them to move a pocket every once in a while.

Okay, we are at an impasse,

I say we take a break.

I agree. Things are getting heated.

I can't believe you didn't tell me about the field trip.

You know I have a huge week this week.

Of course, I'm thrilled for you, obviously,

- but I have to kill it at WME... - (Charlie) Mom! Get in here, quick!

And if I don't, I don't have a career.

And if I don't have a career, then you don't...

- Mom, Mom, Mom! - No, I am being supportive.

- Mom! - What, Charlie?

Chad said your computer's thirsty.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my God!

Charlie.

(Abby) I love you, Charlie,

but I cannot imagine having another one of you.

Hey, what's with all the boxes in the guesthouse?

I'm having a computer emergency.

Oh, man.

My whole presentation is on here.

Oh, man, wow.

Yeah, I have to go to the Apple store.

Want me to keep an eye on the kid?

Oh, my God, that would be such a great help.

- All right. - Okay, Charlie, you stay here.

Mom?

Chad says he's really sorry.

Okay, Chad.

(Jo) Tell your little friend Chad he's a big ass[Bleep].

- You want a beer? - No.

(Ford) Okay, I'm giving you both ten more minutes on the iPads, okay?

And I'm coming back, and I'm checking homework.

Okay?

[Woman speaking on television]

[Refrigerator door opens]

- Can we talk? - Yes, yes, please.

Um, tensions have been really running high at work,

and I've been bringing that home.

I'm sorry.

You honestly think that's the problem?

Yeah, we lost a major account last month...

The problem is us.

We...

[Whispering] We haven't had sex in months.

That's bed death.

We're not lesbians.

- That's absurd. - Okay, you know what? Honestly,

I just think we need a night out.

I don't think a date's gonna solve our problems.

I don't either, but I do think we'd both benefit

from just going out, enjoying each other's company.

Come on.

Let me take you out.

Uh, it's too bloody,

and I think we'll go...

- Medium bloody, okay? - Okay.

- Thank you. - No problem.

Becca Riley.

Hi.

Hey.

I just... We haven't checked in.

I wanted to make sure that you're okay with everything...

Me, here.

Oh, yeah. It's fine.

I got your text. I'm just in character.

Characters.

Oh, okay.

- [Cell phone vibrating] - Thanks.

Computer emergency.

Hey, what'd they say?

Well, yes, they'll fix it. They're geniuses.

Anyway, I'll see you later.

Then... okay. Then throw some money at it, Abby.

I'm at work right now.

I got to... I got to go.

Thank you, Becca.

Jake was absolutely no help.

So why would you call a comparative religions major

for computer help?

It's just habit.

And then the field trip.

I can go with you guys.

I kind of like the little guy. He's so weird.

I mean, I would love that.

- Yeah. - It would be a huge help.

And when Zooey gets here, she can take over.

She can take him to the mall or...

Take him to... Zooey's, like, 12 years old.

She can't take...

Wait. She's coming?

Yeah. Not until next week.

Oh, gosh, you're gonna love her.

- Next week? - She's so brilliant.

When was the last time you saw her?

She was in, like, footie pajamas, right?

I thought that you were only staying here for...

- [Cell phone ringing] - I got to take this.

A couple...

What?

[Both moaning]

Be ready to go again in five.

[Laughing]

We got a long afternoon ahead of us.

Oh, by the way...

I need to reprimand you for that stunt

in the settlement meeting.

Come on.

Those things are so boring.

Hey, it is hard enough trying to make a case for your half

of the Asian market without you all...

up in there.

No, I'm serious.

I'm sleeping with my client.

I could get into serious trouble,

maybe even disbarred.

So what?

We'll just take a year off, go to Bora-Bora.

Let's just try to get through this last round

of negotiation without any groping.

Screw Korea.

I don't care about the Asian market

if it's gonna drag things out.

Screw Korea?

They buy more Beech wares purses

than all the new England sororities combined.

Delia...

I have more money than I know what to do with.

I'm tired of sneaking around.

I want you.

I can see spending the rest of my life with you.

I am not...

Good with these kinds of statements.

It doesn't mean that I don't have...

Similar...

Feelings.

You're cute when you're cornered.

[Laughs]

Give up Korea.

Understood?

As your lawyer, I do not advi...

You're not my lawyer in here.

Now, give me a minute...

To remind you why.

[Shudders]

[Moans]

(Carla) Yeah, Emma is America's sweetheart.

Even her bathroom should reflect that.

Yeah, we need an inviting color palette,

something redhead quirk, but still upmarket.

You got it? All right, thank you, love.

Ciao.

Ugh, Emma.

- [Laughs] - Ugh. For years.

I did her first house in Hollywood

when she was all of 18.

Between her and the rooftop bar, I am exhausted.

Oh, I bet.

How do you even have a personal life?

Right?

Well, I met my boyfriend on this job, actually.

- You did? - Yeah.

I kind of scared him at first.

I think that he's only ever dated women

with very little substance.

Anyway, enough chitchat.

Back to work.

What do you think about the greige?

Yeah, Marc Jacobs did greige two seasons ago.

It feels a little dated.

Okay. No problem.

I'll bring in some other choices.

(Ralf) There you are.

Now, do I still have you for dinner?

It's Roy Choi's new place.

Oh, I'm there, of course.

I'll wait for you upstairs.

Phoebe.

- Hi, babe. - What is it you're doing here?

My Infant Fabuleux press preview's tomorrow.

Carla... amazing, by the way... Is helping me design the space.

- You two know each other? - Uh, yeah, this is my...

This is Phoebe, my ex-wife.

- May I have a word with you? - Yeah.

What the hell are you playing at?

I asked you months ago if I could use the lounge

for a launch party.

We booked it, remember?

And you just coincidentally wound up working with Carla?

That's your Carla? Oh, my God, I had no idea.

She is amazing. She's really lovely.

Babe, I am tragic with interiors.

You know this.

She's helping me.

You see why I'm suspicious, don't you?

Shockingly, this is not about you, Ralf.

This is about business,

and the press preview has to be perfect.

Fine.

Okay, everybody, make sure that you have a buddy

and stay with your buddy for the entire field trip.

[Cell phone vibrating]

WME.

WME, WME.

- [Gasps] - Hi, yes?

This is Abby. Tomorrow?

No, no, tomorrow's not good. Tomorrow's not...

Not convenient at all for me, actually.

We have a serious problem.

I'm s... Can you hold a second?

Charlie demanded that I eat the corn from out of his... his...

Can I call you back?

His, you know...

Out of his pants?

Out of his back? Out of his butt?

Out of his penis? Out of his stomach?

Out of his poop.

[Laughter]

It was Chad, Mom.

Oh, you know that Chad.

It was Chad.

Okay, I'm gonna have to ask you to take Charlie home.

No, no, no, you can't do that.

You have to take him today. I have no child care.

Obviously.

Okay, what's it called?

I think... I think it's called "Abby's pitch," maybe 2.0.

It's, like, 15 pages long.

Okay, most recent.

Is this it?

Yes!

Yes. This is the best thing that's happened to me all week.

- Thank you. - Great, let's grab a Margarita.

You know what I'm going to do?

I'm gonna go in there,

and I'm gonna tell Jake that I'm proud of him,

but I need his help.

All right.

- Whoo! - That's right.

Reeor!

So Gordon will take 40% of Fragrance going forward.

I trust the rest will be quick?

Almost. We just need to reach an agreement on the Asian market.

You know where I stand.

You know where we stand.

50/50 gets this done today, or you can drag this out

and hemorrhage money as long as you like.

If that's the way you want to play.

[Door slams] What the hell do you think you're doing?

- Getting what's yours. - I told you I didn't want it.

I'm not going to let you throw away Korea.

You're worth more than that.

Stop thinking with your dick.

You're terrified of this.

What?

You're terrified that I would jettison $70 million

just to be with you.

Sounds a little crazy, hearing it out loud,

but it's true.

- I just think... - Well, stop.

I told you what I want.

If you want the same thing,

when you sit across from her tomorrow...

You'll let it go.

[Door closes]

It's not my fault Lucifer made me part of his dark army,

any more than it's your fault

Gabriel chose you to be his sacred one.

You can't keep punishing me for this.

I don't know how much longer I can take...

[cell phone ringing, vibrating]

[Snaps fingers] Abby!

(Becca) Seriously?

Do you have any idea how long it takes me to get there?

I'm really sorry, Becca.

Cut it. I know.

We'll go again right away.

Come here.

That was impressive. That was genuinely impressive.

- Sorry. - What are you doing here?

Well, uh, you have been ignoring my calls.

No, I turned my phone off, actually,

'cause I'm directing an episode on television.

Phones go off. It's disruptive.

Okay, well, when you're finished,

you need to take Charlie.

Aren't you done soon, at, like, 7:00?

No, we're not gonna be done before midnight.

Why don't you just have Jo take him?

No, uh... [chuckles]

Yesterday when I came home from the Apple store,

I found them watching Game of Thrones,

and when I asked her about the appropriateness

of showing that to a seven-year-old, she said,

"what? It's about elves and shit."

Did you want me to turn this job down because you have a meeting?

Charlie has invented an imaginary friend

- to deal with stress... - I know this.

Who, by the way, told miss Hoover at school today

that she should eat his corn...

Out of his poop. I've heard it before,

but not because I'm working this week, though, right?

No, because we need to be a better team, Jake.

Can't you just ask your 20-something-year-old girlfriend

if she has any friends who can babysit?

You know what? We actually broke up.

Oh, I didn't...

You know what?

I would appreciate you not throwing it in my face.

For ten years, I had your back when you needed to work,

and the first time I ask you, you fall apart.

Figure it out, Abby.

Okay, everybody, sorry about that.

Back to one, please.

[Loud rock music, indistinct chatter]

What?

I just... Assumed...

What?

I just assumed we'd go somewhere

where we could hear each other.

Oh, come on, this place is great.

Sorry, sorry.

This guy keeps staring at me.

Red tank...

Looks like Butch Seacrest.

That guy?

He's adorable.

He could use a lesson in subtlety.

He's been staring at me all night.

You know, when we first started dating,

you would have walked right over there, sat down,

and let the guy buy you a damn cocktail.

That was a long time ago.

Go flirt with him.

Make me jealous.

Is this a date, or... or are we just trolling for threesomes?

Who said anything about threesomes?

Look, I just want you to loosen up.

Well, I'm not feeling loose.

What?

Well, I'm not feeling loose!

I'm calling a car!

Do what you want!

Mm.

(Jo) Abby, come down here! It's an emergency!

Help.

What's happening?

This is not an emergency.

It is when food is this delicious and it might get cold.

Wow. I haven't had real Chinese food in a gazillion years.

- Seriously? - Yeah.

We used to eat our weight

in beef and broccoli four years straight.

How are you eating this?

Aren't you an extreme vegan or something?

- Hell, no. - Oh, really?

Oh, no. Those people are crazy.

It was a phase.

You know, after I hit two years, I caved.

I was in the best shape of my life...

My hair, my nails, thick like a freakin' thoroughbred.

But all I wanted to do was slit my wrists.

Well, I'm so glad you lapsed. This smells really good.

[Sniffs]

Mmm.

Do you remember... do you remember the place on Elizabeth

that we used to go to all the time, that Chinese place?

Yeah.

That was when people didn't say things like "mixology."

It was cool.

Every bridge-and-tunnel person didn't know about it yet, right?

Exactly.

I'm so glad you were from the city.

I think if I didn't have you,

I would have just hid in my dorm room until graduation.

Oh, you took it pretty well for a suburbanite.

Yeah, I sure did. [Chuckles]

I know this sounds like a clich?,

but do you wish you could sometimes just get into,

you know, a...

A way-back machine?

Constantly.

All right, well...

It's late. I have to do work on my...

No, no, you don't, okay?

It's been two days. We haven't had one meal together.

Come on, skinny girl. Come on.

[Sighs]

[Sobs softly]

I mean, we tried to hide it for months.

Oh, my God.

Jake would go out all night,

and then he would come home before the kids got up, so...

Well, it was all for the best,

'cause that loser had you weighed down from day one.

I wish you would stop saying that. It's not true.

Jake and I were great for a long time, by the way.

Okay, well, maybe you didn't see it,

but he was more than happy

to put all that neurotic crap on you,

going on and on about Godard and Scorsese

while you did all the heavy lifting.

I don't want to have this conversation.

We always end up in the same fight,

and by the way, Frumpkis is no prize.

Frumpkis has a job.

That is not the point.

He is so neurotic.

What, does he call you every two minutes?

He's going through something.

He's always going through something,

either the drugs or the cheating,

and the constant breaking up and getting back together.

Jo, how many benders did you go on because of him?

How many times could I hold your hair back

before I finally told you what I thought?

When I did the same thing, you disappeared on me.

- I did not disappear on you. - Yeah, you disappeared on me.

You hated Jake. Jake hated rob.

I hated rob.

Jake and rob hated each other.

This was just the way it was. What was I supposed to do?

You were supposed to stay my friend!

Screw the guys.

But you... you... you disappeared into your new life,

in this new you that I... I just...

Oh, my God,

I don't even recognize any of this.

How many times did I call you? You never called me back.

I didn't call you back, 'cause that's life.

- It's not personal. - Oh, you get busy?

Don't give me that crap. You know what I think?

I think you sold out.

You write that stupid mommy shit, and I just...

Wow.

I don't fit in your pretty little picture.

You don't know anything about my life.

- All right. - How dare you?

You come blowing into town on the verge of collapse

yet again, by the way.

Do you even have a bakery here?

Hey, I may be a mess,

but I know who I am.

I don't go around worrying about walk-and-ride

or talk-and-ride or look-and-ride

or any of that crap.

But look at you. You played it safe, right?

And your life is in the shit.

And by the way, you are bleeding.

[Sighs]

[Crying]

(Max) It would have been nice if you... if you, like,

maybe took a cab and joined me.

Oh, come on, with that drama-queen move you pulled?

It was just such a goddamn power play.

I mean, how hard is it for you to spend just

one single night with me?

That's what we were doing.

You're the one who flipped out and left

because you couldn't handle the idea of flirting.

I'm sorry that I don't want to flirt with some random guy.

I was trying to be adventurous.

Pimping me out to some twink is adventurous?

Oh, come on.

I told you to make me jealous, not to suck him off.

Just admit you're bored.

No, no, no, no, no. There's a big difference

between being bored and being suffocated.

Now I'm suffocating you?

It's not you.

It's the boundaries.

You mean, um, monogamy?

We had a deal.

I want to sleep with you.

You're the one that wants to sleep with everyone else.

Our old arrangement worked just fine.

Before we had kids.

It's too dangerous now.

W... what if something casual gets serious?

It won't. That's why we had rules.

How many times do I have to say it to you?

Do what you want. Just don't push me back into it

so you don't... You don't feel bad.

[Knock at door]

[Sighs]

Okay, so I may be a dick.

But I'm your dick.

I don't know what that means.

It means I missed the hell out of you.

I'm still here.

Well, I missed you too.

I just don't miss this fight. We always have this fight.

Wow. You had a scare?

Stupid.

- Who was it? - It was Jake.

It's a long story.

No, we're not getting back together or anything like that.

Wow. You really do have a lot going on, don't you?

Jesus.

It's not rational, I know, but, um, just...

The idea of a baby...

If I had a last chance, this was it.

Mm. Boy, do I know that.

I just wanted to get back on the way-back machine,

but it's gone.

- I left Frumpkis. - What?

For good this time.

And that's why Zooey's coming down.

We're starting over.

What happened?

I can't talk about it.

- Wow. - Yeah.

Well, if the mouth can't talk about it,

then it must be really terrible.

I forgot people used to call me that.

I never called you that.

I'm sorry that I disappeared.

I just... you know, Jake and I were...

Weren't doing very well, and I think I was embarrassed.

And, you know...

You're a nightmare.

Tell me about it. Try being inside of this head.

Oh, god, it's so exhausting.

You couldn't pay me.

[Imitates explosion]

- God. - [Doorbell rings]

- Are you expecting company? - No.

- Hey. - [Sighs]

Honey, what's happening?

[Sighs, crying]

And then I realized it's not about Carla.

I mean, I don't love love Ralf.

He's such a pain in the ass.

But she's just...

She is such a solid woman,

like you are a solid woman.

Sometimes I feel like if I'm not attached to someone,

I am just going to float away.

We're not gonna let you float away, okay?

Okay, I'm done talking about my problems.

[Chuckles, sniffles] Done.

Well, I have plenty of problems that we can talk about

if that's what you want to do.

Abby was about to pitch me her new book idea.

[Gasps] Oh, my God, please, Abby, can I hear it?

No, I'm a... I'm actually... I'm fine.

It's fine. I got it.

Abby, you cannot go into that room cold.

[Sighs]

The Ten Divorcements:

How to Untie the Knot Without Unraveling Your Life.

Uh-oh.

Uh...

I know, the... the title is weak,

but let me just get started.

So you found yourself at a crossroads...

To mediate or lawyer up?

How to split time with the kids.

When is it okay to date?

I know this sounds crazy,

but it's possible to navigate all of this

with grace. How?

By using a little gumption.

Gumption?

- Really? - It's a word.

I know it's a word,

used by cartoon mice circa 1928.

What's the deal? Gumption?

I kind of have to agree with her, mama.

Sorry.

Okay, let me just get to the main part, all right?

- Go, keep going. - Okay.

[Clears throat] Um...

But let's declare today

as the day we stop the pity party.

We need to stand up and brush ourselves off

and make this divorce

the best thing that's ever happened to us.

Okay, sweetie, I just took, like, a giant crap,

and that came out.

She hates me.

Okay, whatever.

It's... I'm doing it again. It's what I do.

This is what I do. I'm doing the same thing as my book.

I'm...

I'm completely full of shit.

[Slams table] That's it.

[Slapping table] That's just it.

Do you see what you just did?

No.

Yes, you are.

Use that. Okay.

I'm about to pass out in the Moo Shu, so...

Jo, you said you were gonna help.

I just did, and the Abby I used to know

would understand what I mean by that.

Good night.

- Gumption. - [Door closes]

- [Knock at door] - Mm-hmm?

Great office, Miss Banai.

Okay, you absolutely should not be here.

Oh, you look exhausted.

Gordon can be quite the athlete.

[Chuckles]

I don't know what you think you are...

Please...

You don't get where I am without having a good eye...

Which is why the next time we are in that conference room,

you'll give me Asia,

or I will have you disbarred for screwing a client.

Oh, what's your favorite color, hmm?

As soon as we wrap this thing up,

I'll make sure to get my assistant

to send you a handbag.

(Charlie) Chad says Mom is jiggly.

Tell Chad to get a job.

They're ready now.

Okay.

You sure it's okay to leave Charlie here?

Absolutely. A lot of our clients

let their kids run wild in here.

- Abby McCarthy. - Abby, hello. How you doing?

Oh, Warren, I'm not so great, actually.

[Chuckles] Don't say that.

Yeah, well...

[Bag thuds]

I mean, I... I have just been... I've been working my ass off.

Well, we're all very excited.

Don't be.

Last night I looked at what I had.

The whole thing sucks.

I've just been so distracted, you know.

There's so much going on.

I mean, we all know I'm getting a divorce,

and I had a, um... A rebound affair

with a much, much younger man.

Totally get the appeal, by the way. His body...

Jacked.

Holy shit.

Did you know that men like to get their balls

cupped before they come?

Because I did not know that.

I spent the night with a male escort, by the way.

Not as juicy as it sounds.

I actually didn't have the guts to do it do it,

but I did get a very good foot massage.

Expensive, though.

Oh, and my daughter and her 14-year-old friends

tried to get drunk with their vaginas.

And I spent the last few days

worried that I was pregnant with my estranged husband's baby.

Don't worry. I'm not.

I just feel like this is the stuff I should be writing about.

We don't need another Gwyneth or Blake or Martha,

and I certainly can't be that.

I just... can't... write

another bullshit book.

I need to be myself.

I need to be as screwed up and lost and sometimes freer

and happier than I've been in my entire life,

and I need to know that if I want to say

that sometimes I wish my husband were dead, then I can,

because sometimes I wish my husband was dead.

I don't know anything anymore.

I am not the answer lady.

I am just like everybody else.

But I want to say the weird stuff.

I want to write about the crazy shit.

And that's my pitch.

I love it.

[Applause]

Don't wanna sleep tonight

- you got me feelin' right

- Charlie, it's time to go.

- I didn't know my name

- Chad, we don't have all day.

I didn't know my name

I got a little bit longer

I got a ways to go

[Camera shutter clicks]

- [Camera shutter clicks] - Thank you so much.

So conceptual.

- The mannequins? - Right?

(Phoebe) One second. Thank you so much.

Oh, my God, you look amazing.

- Hi. - So do you.

How was the meeting?

Oh, my God, my meeting was fantastic, actually.

I love that.

- Phoebe. - Yeah.

I'd like to ask you some questions about the collection.

Yes, Mrs. Rozen from W.

[Laughing]

- Hey. - Hi!

Wow, you look, uh...

Overworked.

Over... everything.

Okay, I hear you.

Um, Delia, hey, I want you to meet Jo.

Jo, Delia is a divorce attorney.

I cannot believe this town.

Even the lawyers look like you?

Would you like to get another drink?

- Oh, yeah. - Good.

[Abby chuckles]

- Hey, hi... - These people are terrifying.

This woman keeps touching me.

Okay.

Oh, there she is. I can't...

- Where's your husband? - He couldn't make it.

Oh, my God, she really is staring at you.

- I know. Jesus... - [Chuckles]

Well, I will take care of you, then.

(Max) Please. Touching me.

So how did you come up with the concept for Infant Fabuleux?

Oh, I was gonna save it for Fallon,

but since you asked, I was actually, uh...

Um, I was going to a...

A... a baby shower,

and somehow, my, um...

My girlfriend and I had the same gift,

so I thought...

I had this ridiculous bling, and, uh, I thought,

"hey, a pair of tweezers," um...

So I thought, you know,

this would make some really stunning baby stuff.

So that's how you found your passion?

Yeah.

[Stammers] Um...

Yeah.

No, yes, yeah, no.

Actually, I just kind of fell into it.

No... I have to go.

I just have a couple more questions.

No, no, I really have to go.

Hey, you know what?

Chad, watch Charlie.

Max, watch Chad.

Hey. What's happening?

You have to tell me if this is stupid.

Um, it's... I think it's very shrewd.

There's obviously a market.

Abby.

I think it's beneath you.

It is so stupid.

- It's not stupid. - It is.

It is stupid, and it's not me.

Oh, my God.

What am I gonna do?

Hey, are you okay?

No, I don't know. I mean, I'm not really a baby person.

I'm... I'm not really a people person.

Oh, my God. Yes, you are.

It's just, you know, is everything all right?

- You want to talk about it? - No!

- I do think this will help. - Yeah.

(Jo) I took all the jewelry off. Your friends are crazy.

- But I like 'em. - I like 'em too.

All right, patchouli princess.

Batter up, come on.

(Women) Whoo!

Oh, my God.

All right!

Not good enough. Do it again.

Yes! Hurl that infant.

All right.

I was just warming up, Abby McCarthy!

[Cheering and yelling]

Aah!

Aah!

That's for you, Ralf!

(Jo) Whoo!

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