Original subtitles

Previously on Girlfriends' Guide to Divorce...

We've never really made love.

You're really emotionally blocked.

- I have this guy. - Your shrink?

Like a shaman.

Are we prepared for our journey

to self-revelation through ayahuasca?

What's the story with you and Ralf?

He gets off on paying me now.

- Child support? - No, he has to pay that.

This is for services rendered.

Lyla, what's going on?

70-30 custody in Dan's favor.

[Whispers] I just thought that maybe

we could go on a trip.

It's gonna be an adventure.

Why did we have to split

for me to see how goddamn beautiful you are?

_

Lyla?

Lyla, Lyla, Lyla, Lyla, Lyla?

Mm.

Lyla, this is message four, seven?

I don't know, I stopped counting.

I know you are upset with me, but I need you to call me back.

Call me back, or I'll put your dating profile

on ranchersonly.com, and yes, that is a thing.

Call me.

I'm gonna see you again tonight

Really, Mom?

Do you remember your Princess Jasmine birthday party?

No, it was like a zillion years ago.

You were six, maybe seven. You were so obsessed with her.

When she showed up, you and your friends started screaming

like it was the Beatles. It was so cute.

Um, I picked out the birthday dress I want. It's from Anthropologie.

Let me just take one picture of you wearing it, please?

Can I get it? It's on sale for $220.

Lilly, that's a lot of money for a dress.

You said I could pick one out.

Reasonably priced. Nothing more than $150.

You spend twice as much as that on dresses.

Well, I'm twice your age.

- [Sighs] Whatever. - Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait.

I just need you to help me pick out a food truck for your party.

I'm thinking Kogi.

Mom, no, taco trucks are so over.

They're filled with carbs.

[Balloon pops] [Gasps]

Charlie! Leave the balloons alone.

It was Chad, not me.

[Whispers] Chad.

What 14-year-old girl doesn't eat carbs?

My friends.

There's something on the wall, Mom.

Okay, fine, no tacos for you then.

- It's really, really big, Mom. - You gotta eat something.

I was thinking maybe we could get a Sushi truck.

Sushi has rice. Rice is a carb.

- Sashimi, Mom, obviously. - Mom, Chad saw it first, see?

Look.

[Door closes]

Shit.

Sync & corrections by Alice www.addic7ed.com

[Indistinct chatter]

Phoebe? Hey, what are you doing here?

I was hoping to talk to Lyla about legal advice

because of the baby that ate the bracelet in Vegas.

Oh, right, yeah, yeah.

Well, Mom is understandably freaking out,

so I thought maybe she could help me,

but she's not here.

- Oh, well, that's weird. - Yeah.

She's usually here before 8:30.

Hi, excuse me, can I, uh, borrow her for a sec?

Yeah.

- Hey. - Hey.

I got an email late last night from Lyla.

She's taking a leave

starting today.

A leave? For how long?

[Mouths word]

No answer.

She is not answering any of my texts.

This is my fault.

It was everything I said to her,

and Vegas was the last straw.

Oh, honey, please do not worry about Lyla.

You know, this is probably one of her stunts.

[Chuckles]

She's probably at the Palmilla drinking margaritas,

trying to make Dan sweat because his meal ticket's gone awol.

Mm? [Phone beeps]

Yeah?

Your father's on the phone again.

Okay, take a message, please.

Okay, and Gordon Beech is here.

Great. Thank you.

[Clears throat]

Gordon Beech as in married to the designer Courtney Beech?

One and the same. And he was married.

You're primping.

Is he hot?

I freshen for every meeting, doll.

Please don't worry about Lyla.

She'll turn up.

[Beeping]

Ugh.

The foundation under the house has shifted,

so the crack is gonna continue spreading

unless you get a retaining wall.

A retaining wall?

Ugh, they're so bleak and prison-breaky.

True, but they also keep your house

from sliding down the hill.

Yeah, well, Max, how urgent is this?

Because we cannot cancel Lilly's birthday party.

Well, I mean, unless said party's

gonna be sliding down a hill.

And I can't do it next week either

because Jo's coming to visit me, and she's staying here.

Jo? Jo the ho?

Don't call her that.

That's how she introduced herself to me.

I believe she also introduced herself to you

with her vagina.

- Please don't. - Hello, hello, Max.

First time, vagina. Don't remind me.

Okay, I thought you broke up with her.

- She's a crazy person. - You hated her.

So it's my fault?

We were married. I picked you.

[Charge fanfare ringtone] Oh, that is convenient.

It's the guy I called about the estimate.

Look, we don't need to deal with the foundation today,

but it needs to be handled soon.

Oh, um, Lilly called me about her birthday dress.

I haven't gotten her anything yet, so is it okay if--

- It's a little pricey, so-- - Okay.

You know what, just get it.

Sure, yeah.

Okay.

- [Chuckles] - And...

And about last night-- The other--not last night,

the other night, um... Yeah, well-

- We should, um... - Are we okay?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

Yeah, I mean, is there anything you need to talk about?

- No, no, good, good, good. - Okay, good.

Um, I do want to mention that,

you know, me and Becca are still,

- you know, together. - Of course. I get that.

- Okay, just saying. - Yeah, I get that.

Good.

Do you and Becca use protection?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah, nothing's been spread.

No one's been contaminated, Abby.

Okay.

Are you still on the pill, by the way, because--

Oh-- Oh, my god.

- Charlie, hey. - Charlie!

Come here. Give me the gun.

You can't shoot things in the house.

You hit Mom right in the face.

You got to be careful with that, okay?

Come here.

Can you apologize to your mom, please?

It wasn't me. It was Chad.

Okay, who's Chad?

Chad is Charlie's new friend--invisible.

Oh, Charlie, can I meet Chad? Where is he?

Talk to him, maybe. Um, maybe later.

He's kind of taking a dump right now.

- Okay. - Ew. Wow.

Hey, Uncle Max.

- Hey, dude. - All right, what's the news?

Oh, the good news is,

my architect friend's giving you a good deal,

but you're looking at about 20k.

- Jesus. - Wow.

How are we supposed to afford that?

I mean, you could sell your Birkin.

- Ha. - Right.

You have always been resentful

that Mom gave that to me when she purged her closet.

Um, I might be able to swing it

if you can give me some time.

We'll see. [Chuckles]

- You can cover it? - Yes? I'm-

- Can you not do that please? - Hey, Charlie.

Sorry, how?

Okay, if you must, um,

Joseph Gordon-Levitt read the Ukraine script

and apparently he flipped over it, so--

- Jake, that's incredible! - Okay, I don't--

I don't know yet, so I don't want to jinx it.

But, you know, obviously if he bites on it--

- Oh, my god, amazing. - It would be, but not yet.

Oh, my god.

Look, I know it's really hard right now,

but try not to stress about the money stuff.

- Okay. - And we'll--

Yeah, we're gonna focus on Lilly right now.

Yeah.

We're gonna give her the most unforgettable

14-year-old birthday party ever possible.

- 14-year-old-- - Oh, my god.

Becca's coming. She said yes.

Becca Riley's coming to my party.

[Gasps]

[Door closes] I didn't--

Your wife wants 70% of Courtney Beech

including all shares in and out of America,

full creative control, basically, all of it.

That's not surprising.

So I have come up with a corporate assets proposal,

if you look at the first page--

Something's different.

- Excuse me? - Your hair.

You're wearing your hair differently.

I like it. It's a good look for you.

You know what's not a good look?

You, post-cardiac arrest when your ex walks away

with all your money.

I know what she wants.

I'm not interested in playing dirty.

It's not about dirty. It's about fair.

You built the brand with her.

Why should she be able to take you to the cleaners

and talk trash in Vanity Fair?

She's hurt.

I really don't want to drag this out.

Let's just give her whatever she wants,

and I'll build a new brand.

I'm ready to move on, Delia.

Gordon, when you married Courtney, she had nothing.

Now the company is a billion-dollar entity.

You cannot bow out of this fight.

Can you give us some privacy, please?

Actually, she can't.

She's notating.

Oh, right. Sorry.

So how do you think we should handle this?

[Phone rings]

I'm sorry, Mr. Beech.

I have to take this.

Give me a moment.

We're off the clock.

[Phone continues ringing]

[Sighs]

Everything all right, doll?

First of all, Jake's embryo, Becca,

invited herself to Lilly's birthday party.

What? That's outrageous.

It is outrageous.

And he just stood there, like, staring, dead-eyed,

like the shark in Jaws, you know what I mean?

This is what I think.

I think that he is actually

afraid of Becca's feelings,

like if he takes her little juice box away, she might cry.

- Calm down. - Ugh.

Are you driving?

I can't believe I just slept with that asshole.

Whoa!

What?

Shit.

Abby?

Are you okay? Are you okay?

Did you see that?

- Hi. - Look where you're going.

On Monday, I'd love that if you're cool with that.

Cool. [Door closes]

6:30's great.

Oh, yeah, tot-- No, I love that place.

It's great. It's right--

The address is the-- Um, I do.

[Mouthing words]

Yeah. Oh, right, yeah.

Yeah, yeah, just below it, right?

No, no, no, I totally remember. I do.

I'll see you there, dude.

Um, right, totes.

All right, bye.

Oh, my god! [Squeals]

My god, somebody is happy! What?

That was Joseph Gordon-Levitt.

- Like, from Inception? - Uh-huh.

Like, from (500) Days of Summer?

- Uh-huh. - My god, I love him.

Oh, he's so h-- Talented.

Hot! Hot.

You can even say he's hot. He's hot.

And he wants to sit down with me

for one-on-one, soon.

- Monday. - Oh, my god.

Your movie is totally getting made.

Oh, my god,

- what is happening... - Babe!

- in my life right now? - You're blowing up.

I'm so proud of you.

Did I kind of sound like an idiot?

Did I sound like I was pushing a little hard?

I think I said "totes" at one point and--

Jake, relax.

He's a really smart guy. He's going to love you.

[Sighs]

Oh, when I tell my EP about this,

you'll totally get that empty Blood Sisters directing slot.

- Yeah. - What?

- We talked about this. - Seriously?

Yeah, I mean,

it's not like your movie starts shooting tomorrow.

I know, but I got great news, like, five seconds ago.

Can we just give it a minute before--

Okay, I'm sorry.

I just thought a gig equals money, so why not do both?

No, it does, it's just, you know, that's my project,

and the other thing is--

Just my stupid CW show?

No, that's not what I meant.

Um, it's just not my thing.

Great. That makes me feel great.

No, Becca, I'm a middle-aged man.

Like, the demo on the CW for that is, like, six dudes,

and they're probably all bronies.

You know what, never mind.

I didn't mean to make a thing of it.

[Sighs]

Hey.

You know what?

You're right about the money,

but I'm fine, and...

I love the show.

I think you are a brilliant actress on it.

I was having a moment and did not mean to bag on your show.

- I'm sorry. - Okay, thank you.

[Singsong] Oh, my god. [Phone beeps]

Oh, Lilly invited me to her birthday party.

You're cool with me going, right?

Yeah.

- I think that'll be fun. - Yeah, me too.

[Phone beeps]

Thank you very much.

No problem.

[Indistinct chatter]

I almost killed a future leader today, Joey Kessler.

What? Oh, my god.

Delia, I can't handle a lecture

on how sleeping with your soon-to-be ex-husband

changes the date of separation, okay?

Wait, what?

Hello, and I tried calling you several times.

I know, I've just been really slammed this week.

I feel terrible about bailing on you in Vegas.

I'm so sorry.

Good.

And I haven't been in my right mind, admittedly.

No, you are not. You slept with Jake...

- Evidence. - So I forgive you.

How was it? How was the sex?

It was fine. It was good.

We were, you know, loaded, so it was great.

Call me crazy, but I think his dick has gotten bigger.

Both: No.

- Doesn't happen. - Or maybe--

Maybe he lost weight or-- I don't know.

Either way, it was really--

It was really exceptional sex.

Well, if that's the case,

then I think it's legally appropriate

for you to screw his brains out again.

No, I can't even look him in the face

now that Becca has made herself the star attraction

of Lilly's birthday party.

- She's coming to the party? - Yeah.

Mama, it is your house.

Absolutely. I couldn't agree more.

You need to call her

and un-invite little Ms. Blood Sister and her evil twin.

And her evil twin, yes. [Chuckles]

Yeah, I know, you're both right.

- Um, is that Lyla? - No.

- It's Ralf. - Where is she?

- She is MIA. - Ladies, Lyla is a big girl.

If she needs your help, she'll call.

- Yeah. - Yeah.

All right, chicas, I am gonna go.

- Where are you going? - Ralf wants to play.

Oh, look at you, you're such a good little concubine.

I have had a bad week, and he wants to make me feel better.

Both: With his penis. - Jinx.

[Laughter]

So Jake-- Give me the blow by blow.

Well, there was only one blow,

but we did do a lot of other stuff.

- Hi, how you feeling? - Better now.

Good. I don't like it when you're down.

I'm hungry. Take me out to eat.

Uh, I can't. I have something.

Well, that doesn't leave much time for us

to go again, does it?

[Both chuckle] Yeah.

Phoebe, I mean, you know I adore you.

Ah.

What's her name?

Carla.

She works at the new hotel,

and she wouldn't appreciate our little arrangement.

No wonder it was so good.

It was our last time.

Carla.

Is it serious?

I care about her.

And I have something for you, a proper gift.

Not to say good-bye but,

uh, to commemorate the end of an era.

- It's perfect. - Yeah.

Let me help you.

[Exhales]

It's beautiful on you.

Come on.

How about now?

Amazing, always, but I--

Now that I know it's our last time--

I can't-- I can't, okay?

[Sighs]

Okay. I should, um--I should go.

Let me wash up, and I'll walk you to your car.

No. I'm good, Daddy, really.

[Door opens]

[Sighs] [Door closes]

Okay. Everything looks normal.

Cool. Cervix is still up there.

That's, uh--

[clears throat] Thanks.

So I had, um, unprotected sex two nights ago,

and I went off the pill after Jake and I split.

- Abby. - I know.

Unprotected, bad.

Is it even possible that someone my age can have a healthy baby?

Possible, yes.

But the odds at your age are about 50/50.

I see.

Have you given any thought to the morning-after pill?

How long do I have for it to be effective?

This one, give you about five days from the act.

It's over the counter. You can take it at home.

You may feel a few side effects.

Dizziness, nausea, but any unpleasant feelings

should pass quickly.

I know it's a really big decision.

You have any more questions?

No, I'm good.

Okay, take care of yourself, Abby.

Okay.

Where is he?

Abby? Hey.

I thought I was picking the kids up today.

Yeah, you are.

Lilly left her bag in my car.

You can just give it to her.

Okay.

Hey, I heard you tried

to run over Joey Kessler this morning.

Jake, I think you need to dis-invite Becca.

What?

I just think it sends

the wrong message to Lilly's friends.

What message?

It's a birthday party. It's one afternoon.

It's an afternoon that

should be about our daughter turning 14

and not some cw actress.

Some cw actress?

- Really? - Sorry.

- Can we not, please? - Sorry.

Look, I'm just not really very comfortable with it.

Well, you know what? It's not about you.

It's about Lilly, and she wants Becca there, so--

Okay, that's good.

- Good? - You know what?

Why don't I just skip the whole thing, and you two can host?

Oh, my-- Are you serious right now?

Yeah, you know what, you can invite

all of Lilly's fake new friends,

and they can tweet about how awesome it is,

and maybe even get TMZ to show up.

Okay, what are you doing right now?

What are you doing? The crack in the foundation.

Things like that are going to keep on happening,

and maybe we won't even be able to afford it.

Then we have to sell the house. What?

And then Lilly's last memory of her whole birthdapart

at the house that we raised her in, that she grew up in,

is gonna just be all about Becca Riley.

Abby, we are a long way from having to sell the house.

Okay? What's going on?

What is this? Are you okay?

I have a thing. I have to go.

I'm fine.

[Knock at door]

Hey. How's the Beech depo prep going?

Good, we got some good precedent

to go after those foreign assets.

Okay, great.

And by the way, Beech is very happy with your work,

but I'm guessing you already know that.

Look, Al, I don't know what you've heard,

but I am not encouraging anything.

- I promise. - What are you talking about?

You know, I ran into him the other night at Mozza,

- and he was raving about you. - Oh.

- Mm-hmm. - Oh, good.

The paralegal saw him get a little forward with me today,

and I just want to go on record

saying that I'm not encouraging anything.

Please.

You know how guys are in the middle of a divorce.

Their lawyer is their therapist,

and when that lawyer is an attractive, single woman...

You want me to talk to him?

- Or I can bring somebody else in. - Absolutely not.

This is a huge case. I can handle him.

I know you can. That's why we put him with you.

You're a ball crusher.

Oh, Al, you say the sweetest things.

Hey, Al, about Lyla, the whole leave of absence spin,

what's really going on?

Ah.

Okay, how do I put this delicately?

Lyla's freaking batshit.

[Chuckles]

That's just my legal opinion.

- Have a good night. - You too.

[Watch ticking]

So do you think she'll like it?

Yeah, I mean, wow, how much was that?

Um, I don't know, it was in my Emmys gift bag.

- Like, 500 bucks? - Oh.

- Wow. - Too much?

Yeah, I kind of-- I mean,

that's more than Lilly's yearly allowance, so--

Right, sorry.

I don't know this stuff.

It's not like I got a normal childhood.

I spent my 14th birthday in the back of a grip truck

- with a bunch of teamsters. - Hey, hey, no.

No apologizing.

I love that watch. I like it for myself.

- Can I wear it? - Oh, sure, anytime.

Can we make it into a necklace?

- Or, like, a choker? - Or, like, a belt?

[Chuckles]

Seriously, don't apologize. It's a really nice gesture.

- Okay. - We'll get her something else.

You know, it's confusing.

- All these rules. - I know.

I think you're doing amazing.

I mean, I--half the time I don't know what's right,

so how are you supposed to?

I really care about you.

I don't want to overstep,

but at the same time, I do exist.

- You know? - I know, and Lilly loves you.

Well, like, when Lilly texted me about her birthday party,

what am I supposed to say?

[Sighs] Yeah.

We actually should talk about that.

Wait, was it a mistake to say yes?

No.

I mean, it did create a bit of a mess

- between me and-- - Abby.

Yeah.

You said you were fine with me going.

I am fine with it, but that's an example of a time

where I wish you would've asked me first.

Well, then why didn't you tell me that?

'Cause I didn't want to hurt your feelings.

Jake, Lilly invited me.

I know. It's complicated, okay?

I'm just being honest here.

I'm just telling you what's going on, that's all.

- Yeah, I really appreciate - Yeah, obviously.

Know what? I just won't go.

[Door slams]

[Sighs]

This from you? Seriously?

Oh, Lilly's been so obsessed with her appearance lately.

I blame Becca Riley, also known as Satan's spawn.

This actually looks kind of amazing.

- Yeah. - Maybe I could use this.

- Get some attention. - From Ford?

- Mm. - Come on.

I heard his speech at the gala.

The man loves you more than anything.

Yeah, well, love has not translated into action.

Not for a long time.

Really?

Jump him.

Yeah, well, I tried, but he's always exhausted.

Well, jump him anyway. He'll remember he likes it.

I promise.

Or you can wait till Jo comes here next week.

Sure she'll be willing to give you another tumble.

[Laughs]

I slept with Jake.

Say something.

Uh, like, makeup sex?

Like, drunken, loaded sex.

And we didn't use protection.

Oh.

Oh, wow, wow. Um...

So there's a possibility that you could be...

- Yes. - Pregnant.

Uh, have you told him?

No. Not yet. I don't want to worry him and--

Okay. Um...

Abby, do you really see yourself, like, breast-feeding

and changing diapers again?

Maybe. Maybe, yeah.

What?

I know you and Jake aren't

you and Jake anymore,

but I still see it, Abs.

There's love there.

Well, 17 years is a long time.

I mean, we built this house together.

Just be practical, okay?

Having a baby to save a marriage is--

Yeah, I know, it's stupid.

All I can remember is the smell of baby head.

When Lilly was born, I looked at her,

red-faced and pissed off and screaming at me.

I just thought: "There she is.

There is the love that I've been looking for my whole life."

[Door opens]

Becca called.

She said she can't come to the party anymore.

- What did you do? - Lilly--

This isn't fair. She's one of my best friends.

Oh, you cannot believe that she's one of your best friends.

- Oh, like you'd understand. - Can we--

- Just leave me alone! - Can we talk about it?

I just want to talk about it.

- Um, do you--you want me to-- - Be my guest.

[Sighs] Lilly?

Sweetie.

I wanna live, wanna live

Like Johnny Walker, licking my lips, let it drip

I wanna feel as good as it gets, break a sweat

I wanna light it up, I'm like a cigarette

I think I like it

La la la la la la la I think I like it

La la la la la la la

I know you really knocked yourself out, mama,

but this party is terrible.

I know.

It's just all about you-know-who.

It's like I invited Princess Jasmine

and then I killed her.

I'm a Princess murderer.

Please. You did the right thing.

I applaud you.

Well, stop clapping because I left Becca a message

and re-invited.

- Why? - What?

Just because Jake is her bitch,

I don't need to be one too. Oh, my god.

Why did I buy these? These are my stress food.

There's a reason they're called Funyuns, babe.

'Cause they're fun onions.

Ooh, baby, look at that bling.

I know, it's blinding me.

Someone should give this woman an award.

She has mastered the art of divorced sex.

Yes, you should. [Phones beep]

- Oh. - Oh.

Lyla!

"Relax, stalkers. I'll call you soon."

Oh, god, I told you.

I don't even know what to say.

You know what, screw it. I'm so sick of her selfishness.

That is very un-Phoebe-like of you.

- Good. - I'm working on a new Phoebe.

And new Phoebe doesn't like to be taken for granted

by people she cares about.

So... That's what I think.

God, these are so good. I know, they're so good.

No, don't eat them. I'm gonna take them away.

[Chuckles]

Oh, Lilly just went off with Jade.

I don't trust that girl.

She's fast.

- I was fast. - You still are.

- I think I like it

- Lilly!

I think I like it, la la la la

Lilly.

Oh, my god, it's Becca Riley!

Hey. Where's the birthday girl?

[Overlapping chatter]

Hey, beautiful.

Happy Birthday.

Oh, my god, it's the one she wore on Undercover Models.

I love it so much. Thank you!

I'll give you $100 if you punch Becca in the boob.

- [Laughs] - I'm so glad you like it.

Abby, thank you for the invitation.

No, I am--I'm thrilled you could make it.

So pretty!

[Becca and Abby chuckle]

I can't believe she made it.

This is a pool party, isn't it?

Why isn't everybody dancing in the pool?

Come on!

I'm in the club, they're hating

Their boyfriends I be taking

They hate it when they see me

They really wanna be me

It's cute that they notice but boy don't lose your focus

Your focus, your focus, boy, don't lose your focus

Becca.

One, two, three, you think I'm on fire

How they look at me

I'll be right back, okay?

Keep the party going, birthday girl.

I need a Tequila.

Shot, now.

Um, all my liquor is in the trunk of my car, so--

That was smart.

[Indistinct chatter]

Do they-- Do they look--

Yeah, they're drunk.

Shopping in Dubai

Hey.

- Oh, look, it's her. - Oh, my god.

I'm really glad you came.

- Me too. - Um--

It was Abby. She called me.

Really? That was nice of her.

- Um... - Yeah.

I'm sure Lilly's really pleased.

I mean, I'm really pleased,

and I'm sorry about the, um--

- Can we get a pic with you? - Yeah.

Okay.

[Laughs]

- Oh, my gosh, it looks so good. - All right, look-

Oh, my god.

- Sweet. - Hey.

Look--oh, my god, maybe she wants a selfie.

I think Lilly and her friends have been drinking.

Really? Where did they get it?

I don't know, this whole house is dry.

What did Lilly say?

Jake, Lilly lies about flushing the toilet.

Max, can you come here for a second?

I knew there was trouble the minute Jade showed up

and they snuck into her bedroom

right at the beginning of the party.

Okay, Abby thinks that maybe

the girls have taken something, are drinking something,

so let's case the house, we'll find out what it is.

- Okay? Top to bottom. - Wow, okay, CSI.

They could be snorting nutmeg.

I totally did it in junior high.

- Okay. - What?

Also check their bags for soda bottles--

That's where I snuck my liquor-- And medicine cabinets--

Always took my mom's painkillers.

- Wow. - Um, okay.

I think we should each pick a room and search it

and try not to be too obvious about it.

How is this happening? These girls are in eighth grade.

- I'm gonna take the kitchen. Both: Okay.

Max, can you just lifeguard, make sure nobody drowns?

Or pukes in the pool. What?

I got the bathroom and the living room.

Okay, and Abby and I will take upstairs.

If you find what those little shits are on,

I got first dibs.

I guess I'll just, um, keep watch down here.

- Great. - Okay, let's do it.

I'm just gonna, um-- I'm gonna check the bathroom.

- Hey. - Hey.

I looked in Lilly's room and Charlie's room.

I didn't find anything. Did you?

I did.

Is this what I think it is?

[Screams]

[All screaming]

Oh, my god.

- They just jumped in the pool. - Oh--oh, my god.

- What-- - Oh, my god.

- [Screaming] - What's happening?

What the hell?

I think there's some towels in the back house or something.

Lilly, are you okay?

- Becca, I got this. - Girls are weird.

- Lilly, what's going on? - You're gonna freak out.

Okay, I'm not going to freak out.

You need to tell me what's happening.

- What's going on? - I have no idea.

Oh, my god. Oh, my god.

We need to call poison control. Why?

No, we need paramedics. No.

Parents, we should call the parents, actually.

- Okay, did they-- - I don't know who to call.

Is it bath salts? 'Cause I've seen a thing.

They eat each other's faces. We have to stop--

They soaked tampons in vodka.

No. No way.

Yes way, at first they started drinking,

and then they didn't want the calories--

- Jade's idea-- - Hold on, hold on, hold on.

- So what you're saying is-- - Their vaginas are on fire.

[Girls screaming]

Ow, it burns!

Why can't you just smoke pot like a normal kid?

How can you have no idea who brought the alcohol?

Believe me, we tried to break them.

If you want to give it a go, be my guest.

I'm so sorry.

By the way, your daughter's a delinquent,

and your mommy book's bullshit.

I mean, we can call poison control again,

but clearly all the girls are fine.

And I've never heard of a tampon soaked in vodka before.

I tried it once, it doesn't even work.

- Really? - Let's go, you are grounded

- for the next month. - Oh, my goodness.

- Jake? - Yeah, oh, hey.

- You remember Robert? - Hey, Robert.

- Robert's a law-- - A lawyer, I know.

Remember when I was at your house

and I fell into the floating gardenia patch?

That's right, which was

clearly not locked down properly.

[Women giggling]

Sucks for you.

Hey, give me a hand with this.

Sorry, we're late for our blow-outs.

Bye.

Thank god I don't have girls.

- You okay? - My head.

I just needed a break.

Yeah.

[Chuckles]

- So... morning after pill? - Mm.

So you weren't on the pill anymore.

Were you ever gonna tell me that?

Yeah. Now.

I don't know.

The box isn't open.

I know.

I know, it's crazy. I mean, obviously we weren't

- thinking-- - Yeah, yeah.

But if you were or are...

You may want to keep it?

God.

A baby.

Am I crazy to think it was easier then?

- When the kids were little? - Yeah.

Yeah, you're totally insane.

- I miss it. - You do?

I do.

- It was hard. - Yeah.

But everything was so new and--

[laughs]

- My god, you were a champ. - [Laughs]

You were too.

- Damn. - Yeah.

Oh, my god, I could feel my heart in my throat

when Lilly was telling me about the vodka.

It's like we're living with an alien.

A nightmare.

It's not going to always be like that.

- You don't think so? - No, she will come back to us.

- Eventually. - Mm.

What if it were healthy?

[Knocks at door]

- Hey. - Hey.

- You ready? - Yep.

- Thanks for everything, Becca. - Of course.

- Bye. - Bye.

Hi. How are you?

Phoebe. You looking for Ralf?

No, I'm actually looking for Carla, does she work here?

- Carla Montgomery? - Yeah.

Yeah, totally.

The cocktail waitress? Classic.

More like the hottest interior designer.

I heard she did the Obama house in Chicago and Hawaii.

Hey, Carla?

No, it's okay, don't worry about it.

I will see you again later.

Never mind.

Put your head down, boy

I thought you were on a business trip.

I cancelled.

Oh, yeah? People are gonna catch on.

[Dress unzips] You need to relax.

You are gonna get me fired.

Mm, we'll be careful.

I want you to watch.

Shit! What the f--?

- What happened? - Max just texted me

a link to a Deadline article.

"Joseph Gordon-Levitt to board Rian Johnson's

Ukraine thriller."

Oh, my god, oh, my god. I'm calling my agent.

I don't understand.

How can that be happening?

Pick up the phone!

- I went through your jacket. - What?

I checked your phone.

I never do that.

Okay, I don't know what you're talking about right now.

I saw your Uber receipt.

After the ayahuasca you went to Abby's.

Right. Yeah.

I mean, I was...

I was out of my mind, and yeah, I ended up there.

Did something happen?

Becca, let's not do this right now.

I asked you a question.

Uh...

- It was a--it was a very-- - What?

It was what?

You can't even give me a straight answer?

- I'm really sorry. - So you did.

- You slept with her. - Yes, I did.

Look, I didn't--I didn't mean--

- Jake, I can't. - No, no, no, no.

I need to be with someone grounded, okay?

Okay, okay, I was tripping balls.

I am done.

It was your idea, I went and did it with you and I--

Oh, so you screwed your ex-wife because I put a gun

- to your head? - No, no, I didn't

mean it like that.

- It's my fault? - No, I shouldn't

have put it that way. I'm sorry.

- I want something serious. - This is serious.

We happened so fast.

I fell for you so hard--

I want to get married. I want to have kids.

You don't want that with me, Jake,

you probably don't want that with anybody

because you're still hung up on Abby.

No, I'm not.

We were together 17 years, okay?

Just get your shit.

- I want you to go. - No.

Go.

[Crying] [Door closes]

[Knock at door]

Mom, I'm such an idiot.

So here's the thing...

- I am not going to ground you. - You're not?

No.

I think ruining your own party and having a burning... body

is enough punishment for one night.

I just need to know one thing.

I need to know if you've been drinking before this.

No.

I mean, Jade and I snuck a few beers at Ari's bar mitzvah.

Jade.

- I knew it. - It wasn't very fun though.

- I kinda had a panic attack. - Then why today?

- Did Jade-- - No.

I just felt like I needed to show off, you know?

Your party's certainly gonna be the talk of the school.

Thank god.

It was all so ridiculous. ***

The cake was good though.

You always make the best cakes.

Would you lie with me?

I would love to lie with you.

I do remember Princess Jasmine.

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm.

It was raining, and I thought the party was ruined,

and then she came swooping in out of thin air.

- [Laughs] - Like you guys conjured her up

or something.

Princess Jasmine was 20 years old and way hungover.

- Nuh-uh. - Yea-uh.

She came to the house and your dad and I snuck her inside

for the surprise, and she ran to the bathroom and started puking.

- Gross. - It's so gross.

She was such a mess. I was holding her hair,

your dad was force-feeding coffee, and...

And then I just hid in the bathroom with her

till she sobered up.

- Crazy. - Mm.

I didn't even notice.

Well, she was a pretty okay Princess in the end.

Yeah, hi, it's Jake Novak calling you, Mark.

Uh, yeah, I'm a friend of Becca Riley's and she told me

to give him a call about maybe directing Blood Sisters, so.

Yeah, Jake Novak.

Sure, I'll hold, I'm gonna put you on Bluetooth, okay?

[Phone ringing]

Lyla.

You pull this disappearing act again,

I am going to punch you in the vagina.

I'd be delighted, but you'd have to come to Portland.

What?

What are you doing in Portland, you crazy woman?

We stopped here, you know, because of Eric

- and oncoming water wars-- - Okay.

- And? - It's so great.

Portlandia doesn't even do it justice.

I have rented the most beautiful house,

and I've convinced Dan to come here, and...

There's a restaurant that I think he's gonna love.

Okay, so you just disappeared and bought a new life?

You told me to find what makes me happy.

As it turns out, it's my kids being happy

and small batch artisanal pickles.

Oh, shit.

That's amazing, Lyla.

When are you gonna get your ass down here?

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