Original subtitles

This programme contains strong language throughout.

Ugh...

Are you going to text him crap all night?

You're seeing him in, like, like half an hour.

Er, his fiancee left him two weeks before his wedding.

Maybe he's a bit upset.

Right, and you're cheering him up, are you? It's called being a friend.

By sending him videos of horses having sex with donkeys.

That's right, and pigs. JONNY LAUGHS

GRUNTING AND WHINNYING

Thanks for that. Any time.

There's a leak in the loft.

Is it Brad Pitt? I think it's Brad Pitt.

Yeah, a roof tile must have cracked or something.

Maybe the connecting membrane's started to rot or...

Please, go on. Yes, this is most interesting. Prannies.

Oh, Jonny, Mum said you've got a friend coming tonight.

Um, Stanley. Stanley? Close. His name's Ben.

Oh, yes. Ben.

I hear his fiancee just pissed off.

Er, maybe don't say that when you see him. Poor bastard.

But do say that.

Hi, boys. Hi, Mum.

SHE MAKES ELONGATED KISSING NOISE

Thank's for saying Ben could come.

Aw, anything to cheer poor Benny-boo up.

Oh, but it's OK. Jonny's been sending him some lovely nature videos.

Have you? Yes.

PIERCING ALARM

Ah! What is that?

Blinking hell.

Shitting thing!

What is that noise? Bloody smoke alarm.

It keeps going off. Where's the big carrot?

The big carrot?!

Oh, Martin, just use the spoon.

Bingo! Oh, please, change the batteries!

Jackie, it's not the batteries.

ALARM IS SILENCED

It must be the batteries. It's not the bleeding batteries,

it's the wire.

Well, whatever it bleeding is, it's giving me a bleeding heart attack.

Every bleeding five minutes. Argh!

Sorry, the big carrot?

Well, it's the perfect size, isn't it?

Ah, yes the perfect-sized carrot for deactivating smoke alarms.

Morons.

Him and that bloody carrot.

Right, so, are you two berks going to help me

clean up that muck in the loft then?

Uh, sorr-ee! Yes. Sorr-ee!

Shitheads.

JACKIE GROANS

Boys, can we lock your dad up in that loft?

SHE CACKLES

What? What's that thing. Yes, what is that thing?

My new table.

Don't you like it?

It's hideous. And revolting. Thank you. JONNY'S PHONE BEEPS

What's wrong with it? Cool. Ben's just got in the cab.

Well, this won't be a depressing evening(!) Er, shut up.

Yeah, Adam, don't be so mean.

It's horrible being dumped. I remember the first time I was dumped.

Ah, ah, we don't want to know. No way.

I'm sorry? Mum, we don't want to hear about you and other men.

Oh, God. Mum with other men.

All right, you make it sound like I'm an at an orgy!

Oh, God, Mum at an orgy! Jesus, Mum! JACKIE CACKLES

Bloody, bloody hell.

Are you all right, Martin? Yeah.

What's in the bag? What?

Oh, nothing, I just, er, found something up there.

Something? A dead crow.

ALL EXCLAIM IN DISGUST

WINGS FLAP IN BAG

THEY SCREAM Er...

Dying crow. Oh...

Well, I had to put it out of its misery somehow, didn't I?

You banged it on the head with a hammer.

What else am I meant to bang on the head with, a tin of spaghetti?

Hmm, isn't it nice up here?

Poor crow. Honestly, Jonny, it was half dead already.

Its wing was all bust, its entrails... All right.

Where'd you put it? In a sandwich.

Where do you think I put it? In the bloody bin, you dullard.

Well, I hope you washed your hands. Sorry?

He didn't wash his hands. He didn't wash his hands.

OK, er, that stuff over there. JONNY'S PHONE BEEPS

It's all wet. It needs to go over here.

I'll do it then, shall I? Mmm?

Isn't he here yet? Is that Stanley?

Yes, Dad, it's Stanley.

It's going to be fun having someone really depressed round for dinner(!)

He's just had to pull over to have a cry actually.

Fun! Poor sod, losing his female like that.

"Female." Talking of females...

Dad! Any females? Yes! Really? Now? Take it that's a no then.

Of course it's a no. Pusface never has a female.

JONNY LAUGHS Thank you, Dr Sex.

Pusface!

Oh! What is that?

What is that? Jesus!

Oh! You found him! You've found him!

Can't believe it! Is it a scarecrow?

A scarecrow? No, you berk. It's Lord Luck!

HE LAUGHS

Jackie!

Jackie! They've found Lord Luck!

Who's Lord Luck?

MARTIN HIGH PITCHED: Bugger off!

Bugger off! Bugger off!

That's the catchphrase then. Is that all he says?

Um, I think it was generally bugger-related, yes.

And you can bugger off too! See? Isn't he terrific? Horrific.

To think he must have been all on his own in that loft for, what, 20 years?

He can go up there for another 20 years if you like.

Bugger off!

And you actually used to play with that thing, did you? What?

Only all the time. He took it on our first date. Your first date?

And you had a second date?

JACKIE LAUGHS

We made love all night! Martin!

Oh, I've missed you, Lord Luck. I've really missed you.

Go bugger yourself! MARTIN LAUGHS

Just put the crisps out, will you?

Mmm! Tasty burgers!

MUNCHING SOUND

Yes, you really are a master of ventriloquism(!)

JACKIE LAUGHS

You can laugh, but this takes a hell of a lot of practice.

What, to be that crap? Bugger off, you bugger!

DOORBELL RINGS

It's Ben. Bugger off! Martin!

Coming! All right, everyone just be nice and friendly, OK?

And put that bloody thing away.

We're meant to be cheering him up, not giving him nightmares.

Put it away, Jackie? Lord Luck is exactly what the boy needs right now.

If he wants to have a coronary. DOORBELL RINGS

Put it away.

Oh, it's you.

Hello, Jackie. Something smells nice.

Jim, it's not a great time. Yeah, we're quite busy.

No, it's just I found something in your drive that might belong to you.

Really?

Oh.

A pound.

Erm, thanks, Jim.

Might there be a reward? A what?

For finding the lost coin.

How about a pound, Jim? A pound?

Hmm... Yes, that seems fair.

Thank you, Jackie.

Right, well, we are expecting a guest, so...

Ah, a guest. Jim...

Bugger off!

Little talking man! Little talking man!

HE CRIES

He's a little talking man!

Jim? Yeah, it's me, Jackie. I do hope you're OK.

Can you call me, please?

Thanks.

God, you are such an idiot, Martin. Me?

How was I to know the man would be frightened of a...

Terrifying voodoo doll.

And you can bugger off too. Right... Jackie...

Jackie!

Goodbye forever. Yeah, so long!

That thing stays in there.

All right?

All right? All right.

Bloody all right. DOORBELL RINGS

It's Ben. I mean it. It's Ben.

Hey, mate! Hey.

JONNY LAUGHS

Yes! Hello, Ben. Aw! Thanks for letting me come tonight, Jackie.

Don't be silly, Benny. It's lovely to see you again. Isn't it lovely?

Yeah. Hi, man. Pusface.

Great(!) Hello, Stanley.

Stanley? It's Ben. Oh, yes, Ben. Sorry you're all depressed.

Thanks. Now, I've made you a lovely lasagne.

Vegetarian, haven't forgotten. Thanks, Jackie.

HE BLOWS NOSE LOUDLY

Sorry, have you got anywhere I can put these disgusting things?

Yes, my wife will eat them. HE LAUGHS

Martin! Ignore him, sweetie. Come through. Thanks.

Do you like ventriloquism? Pardon?

Cos if you do, you're going to love this. Oi!

I'm so sorry you're having such a hard time and...

PIERCING ALARM

THEY SCREAM

Again! What's that noise? Oh, smoke alarm! Martin! I am sorry.

Oh, shitting thing. Have you seen a big carrot? A big what?

Just use the spoon! I'm not using a spoon. Here.

Maybe you should change the batteries. What?

Maybe you should change the batteries! What?!

MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHANGE THE BATTERIES!

ALARM IS SILENCED

It's not the batteries, it's the wire.

OK. Well, why don't you change the wire then?

Cos I don't have a freaking wire, do I?

Do I look like I have a freaking wire? All right! God! Martin!

We've got a guest! Oh, yes, sorry.

So, are you, erm...

..still depressed? Er...

Great start(!) So...

Oh, of course, here.

Yeah, it keeps going off, the stupid thing.

God knows what's wrong with... Erm...

Is that a dead crow in the bin?

Sorry? Dad... There's a dead crow in the bin.

You put the crow in the bin? The kitchen bin? What?

Why is there a crow in the bin? I killed it.

Well, where should I have put it? You killed him?

Er, not in that bin, the outside bin! Sorry, killed a crow? Why?

How? It wasn't well. With a hammer. A hammer? Come through, darling.

He killed a crow with a hammer! Come on, my love.

Fun(!) ADAM LAUGHS

I don't understand why he didn't just call the animal people

or something. Oh, it was very ill, wasn't it, Martin?

It was when I finished with it. HE LAUGHS

Oh! Mmm.

Um, sorry, mate, about, you know, Lucy and everything. I'm all right.

Yeah, of course he's all right.

Obviously, when I say I'm all right, I mean I'm not all right. I'm awful.

The worst I've ever been in my life.

Ever.

So, yeah...

MARTIN CHEWS CRISPS

Terrible about the economy at the moment.

JONNY LAUGHS

Hey, Ben, do you remember when we made Pusface eat all that talcum powder?

What? And he literally couldn't breathe. Oh, yeah.

Yes, I enjoyed that. Clawing for oxygen. GIGGLING

What about when we buttered the kitchen floor? Oh, God!

Buttering the floor.

Sorry, mate. No, it was cool. Almost shattering my pelvis.

JACKIE LAUGHS

They were the good old days, eh, mate?

JACKIE LAUGHS

But now it's the bad old days.

The rubbish, terrible, "what is the point any more?" days.

Not depressing(!) Why don't you have a crisp? Oh, yeah, thanks.

I'm really hungry.

Oh, sorry.

Do you mind if I have one of those oranges? Oh, no, of course, my love.

You don't need to ask. Thanks.

Oh, they're really juicy.

HE SLURPS

Dinner really won't be long.

HE SLURPS

Have a nice little bowl... Oh. ..for that orange.

Lucy always used to make me use a bowl when I had my orange.

I loved her so much.

What did I do wrong?

What did I do wrong? HE SOBS

HE SOBS UNCONTROLLABLY

I know.

She just dumps me like that!

Text me on my stag. My own stag do.

And now I'm just left with this stupid pile of presents,

just sitting there looking at me, mocking me!

I've got to get her back! I've got to get her back!

MARTIN CLEARS THROAT Bugger off!

BEN SCREAMS AND SHATTERS TABLE

JACKIE SCREAMS Bugger.

Um... You missed some there.

Oh, you mean there?

Ow! Sorry, Pusface!

Adam?

Do you think Ben's all right?

Erm... I'm not sure he's having the greatest night of his life.

The boy just needs a proper cheering up.

That's why Lord Luck... Don't touch that cupboard.

I think that's the last of the glass.

Aw, thank you, sweetie.

And look. Ta-da!

Oh, lasagne. Amazing.

And again, I'm so sorry I broke your lovely table.

It wasn't lovely.

Horrible.

Crow's still in the bin. What?

Martin! I told you to take it out.

All right! It's not going to go anywhere, is it?

Just take the bloody thing out and put it in the outside bloody bin!

Yeah, Dad. Fuss about nothing.

I am sorry.

ALL YELL

Put it back! Put it back! What?

What? Put the bloody thing back! Oh, my God! Jesus, Dad.

Take it out, don't take it out. What do you want me to do?

DOORBELL RINGS

Just get the bloody door, will you?

Now I've got to get the bloody door. Honestly!

Christ.

Ow!

Oh, hi, Jim.

You all right?

Help.

So when you opened the door,

I saw the little man. I was terror-stricken.

I know, Jim.

I had to change my trousers because I'd filled them all up with wee-wee.

How lovely.

Well, now you know - nothing to be scared of.

Yes. Nothing to be scared of!

It's only Lord Luck.

HIGH-PITCHED: Bugger off!

Has he been talking for long?

Jim, haven't you seen one of those before?

You mean there are others?

Sorry?

Will dinner be much longer?

Oh, sorry, love.

Any minute.

Jackie...

Is he another one of the brothers?

What? A new one?

No, Jim. That's...

Jonny's very depressed friend.

Martin, would you mind if I had a little go with Lord Lucky?

Lord Luck? Lucky, Luck.

Sure, Jim. This will be good.

He's not saying anything.

You're meant to move the lips up and down.

Hurrhrrgh...

No, Jim. His lips - while you talk.

The butter's off! The butter's off!

It was "bugger off". Was it?

Bugger off!

BEN BLOWS HIS NOSE

Sorry. Just need to... Of course, love.

OK. Well, we...

Oh, God! Ben?

Oh, Wilson!

WILSON WHIMPERS

Kitchen was like a bloody murder scene.

All right, Dad. Guts and innards all over the shop.

Er, shut up.

Have some more of your lasagne, sweetie.

Thanks, but I'm not that hungry anymore.

I wonder why.

It's very nice, Jackie.

Thank you, Martin.

Lovely bit of crow, eh, Ben?

Oh, God. Dad!

Actually, the Lithuanians are the ones that eat crows.

Dad! Martin! The boy doesn't want to know about Lithuanians eating crows.

What?

Apparently they say it increases sexual potency.

Really?

So, you know, next time you and your lady are out for dinner...

I haven't got a lady at the moment, have I?

Oh, yeah. Shit. Martin!

Do you think Lucy will come back?

Pardon?

Do you think she'll come back to me?

Course she'll come back to you. Won't she?

Definitely. Yeah.

She probably just needs, um...

you know, time to think.

Time to think.

Yeah. She just needs some time. Yeah. Time.

So she'll come back, then? Definitely come back?

Can I say something?

Yeah.

Actually, can Lord Luck say something?

All right.

She's not coming back.

Sorry?

She's not coming back, mate. If she's run away, there's a reason

and that reason is, it's just not meant to be.

But... The thing is,

life's a bugger-r-r-r!

I'm sorry. Ben.

Bravo, Dad. Yeah. What did you do that for?

What? It's true. I know it, you know it. We all know it.

Your dad's right, Jonny. She's not coming back.

Yeah. Who would come back to him?

He's such a miserable bastard. Er, Pusface.

Go on, better see your friend.

Scraps!

Hey, mate.

Cab's going to be here in a minute.

Really?

Just looking at...

That was in Greece. I loved her in that dress.

Is that the big carrot?

Mmm?

Nothing.

Hey, mate, remember this?

What are you doing?

The good old days, eh?

I'm not sure you should...

Pusface! What?

Can you come here a minute?

Isn't it quite dangerous?

Nah, he'll love it.

Everything all right?

Yeah. Ben was just wondering... Careful, Adam!

Shit! Ben! Ah, my back!

Oh, my God! What happened? It was a joke. It was meant for Pusface.

Thanks. OK...

How many fingers am I holding up?

Please get that fucking thing away from me.

Jackie!

Well, help him up. Help him up!

It's OK, Ben.

You are such an idiot, Jonathan.

God!

FIRE ALARM BEEPS

Where's the big carrot? Just use the spoon!

Huh?

Oh, God!

BEEPING STOPS

I am so sorry, Ben.

Can you walk a bit?

Yeah, I think so.

Thank God. Any less depressed now?

Please stop asking that!

Maybe the pain has taken his mind off the depression.

It really hasn't.

PHONE PINGS

Think my cab's here.

Mind that.

One minute. Is something burning?

What?

Ohhh... Martin.

Shit on it! Shit on it!

I forgot the hob was on. I forgot it was on!

Look at his face! Look at his face!

Dad... He looks like the shitting Elephant Man.

The cab's here. Yes. Of course.

Thanks, though, for everything tonight.

I'm sorry for being such a pain in the...

My God.

LAUGHS: What happened?

Look at his face!

Look at his bloody face! Looks like the Elephant Man.

HE LAUGHS

Brilliant!

Brilliant.

Ah, brilliant!

Ah...

HE GROANS AND CARRIES ON LAUGHING

Well, at least something cheered him up.

Ungrateful little sod!

Helloo!

God. Please, not now.

Everyone. Look what I made.

It's little Wilson.

Jim is my friend!

Jim is my friend! Jim is my friend!

Jim is my... Jim! Yes, Jackie?

Bugger off.

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