Original subtitles

CAR ENGINE WHINES

Just doesn't sound right.

It never sounds right.

Should it be that hot?

Let's see. Ow!

You dick!

Seriously, why is it so hot? Because it's a hot car.

And by hot, I do mean shit.

Maybe should I take it in. To get crushed? Good idea.

Well, come in, come in.

Lovely to see you too.

Why are you so late? Late? We're early.

We never come at this time.

I told you to come at 6.30. Why didn't you come at 6.30?

It is 6.30. Well, why didn't you come before 6.30?

You knew I needed help.

Sorry, we can call the hospital now if you like.

"Hello, euthanasia department". Where does this thing go?

Hi, Dad. I told you, on the table.

What? The table.

Not that table, you idiot, the table! Which table?

The table! Christ!

It's going to be a lovely party, very chilled.

Why I agreed to organise the bloody thing...

Yes, why did you agree to organise your own surprise party?

We've been through this, OK?

Well, it's such a normal thing to do,

organising your own surprise party. Isn't it?

Er, shut up?

A moth just landed on my nose.

You think I trust your father to organise a surprise party for me?

How about a surprise funeral?

Look, I know you think I'm mad that I've always wanted a surprise party.

Mm-hmm. But I'm having a surprise party.

Correction - you're having a party.

Because there's zero surprise. Very good.

She only wanted a surprise party because Val had one. Rubbish!

Yeah, Auntie Val's stupid party. Not true.

Can you get up, please?

It is true, you didn't stop going on about Val's party

on that barge.

Barge? Martin, it was a yacht. Larry hired a yacht. Off!

And what happened after Larry hired a yacht?

Lots of things happened. Including a divorce, perhaps?

And Auntie Val losing her mind. Jonathan!

She did not lose her mind.

Jackie, the woman ate clay.

Look, I don't have time for this, all right?

They're going to be here in... oh, God, 40 minutes.

Martin, the guests, the guests! What about the guests? Jackie?

What about the guests? The list, can you read it, please?

Again? It's the same 44 bloody people.

Who else do you think's coming, Pele? Just read it.

Hilary and Philip.

Hilary and Philip? Sally and Laurence.

Oh! Quiet Sue. Oh, God.

Not Quiet Sue. Stop it! She has a condition.

Look, Jackie, it's everyone you asked me to ask, OK?

My mother... What? Horrible grandma? Your mother's coming?!

Only joking, Jackie, really! Martin!

You think I'd ask my horrible mother to your party?

I know! When she hates you so much.

Oh, thank you. Smooth.

Oh, please, stop eating those.

Come on, boys.

Thirsty.

Yes, Your Highness.

PIPES GROAN, WATER SPLURGES

Oh, yeah, it does that.

Martin, please put a sign on that bloody tap. There's an airlock.

I know there's an airlock, whatever that is, just do a sign.

"Whatever that is"? Jackie, an airlock is a massed build-up of air

that can't physically escape. Just do a sign.

Yes, please do a sign.

Right, you two are taking me out now for a drink.

To the bar with no atmosphere.

Exactly, and then we come back for the big surprise.

The big surprise which isn't even a little surprise.

And Martin, all the guests, they definitely know the time,

the details, everything?

3am, Buckingham Palace, bring a dead dog.

Perfect. Oh, my scarf. And be nice to Val, yeah?

She's had a horrid time.

I'll see if I can find her some clay.

Right.

Oh, Jim! Hello, Jackie, I'm just about to ring...

is it someone's birthday?

AT SAME TIME: Er, no. It's Jackie's.

Jackie! I had no idea.

Happy birthday, Jackie!

Thanks, Jim. Did you want something? We sort of have to... Yes.

The reason I'm here is because you were out when the post lady came.

So she gave me a package to give to you.

Did she? And when I opened it... You opened my package?

..it was a book all about the menopause.

OK!

Very interesting.

The diagrams were particularly helpful.

Thanks, Jim. Come on, boys.

I read it nine times!

Uterus!

Literally the hottest car in the world.

Why is it so bloody hot?

Ow!!

Stop bloody doing that!

Boys! Seriously.

Boys, I was right to do a finger buffet for the party, wasn't I?

Oh, my God. The entire journey,

talking about a frigging finger buffet.

MOBILE CHIMES

Oh. Dad.

Well? Has he blown the house up yet?

He says he can't find the mini forks.

Oh, my God. He can't find the mini forks, he can't find the mini forks!

All right, calm down.

Calm down? You tell me

how my friends are going to eat corn on the cobs without mini forks.

Er, maybe with normal-sized forks?

Oh!

No atmosphere. No atmosphere. Shh.

It's like a morgue in here.

It's not like a morgue in here. It's lovely.

MAN COUGHS AND SPLUTTERS LOUDLY

Actually, it is like a morgue in here.

Did you have to bring that grotty thing in here?

Jim's bedtime reading.

Please put it away. He's coloured bits in!

Hello.

Hi. Can I get you any drinks?

Thanks, yeah. Glass of white wine, please.

And... Beer. Beer. Two lemonades. Hmm.

Oh, yes, I'm nine and he's seven. Correct.

So, the book. What about the book?

OK.

One of my friends, and I won't say who

because she's very touchy about it... Auntie Val. Obviously.

No. It is Auntie Val, though, isn't it?

One of my friends... First name Val. Shut up.

..might be going through the menopause.

Oh, you said the word.

Well, it's hard being a woman, you know,

and going through all those changes.

We don't need to talk about it any more.

Suddenly, sex isn't as exciting as it once was...

Please! Whereas something like a party is, because it's so...

Don't say surprising.

Right, I'm going for a wee.

Ow!

Please put that book away.

God, a whole night with 40 of Mum's non-annoying friends.

MOBILE CHIMES

Dad.

Has he found the mini forks?

Oh, my God. What? He told them the wrong day. What?!

Dad told everyone Mum's party was next Friday.

Shit! He told them it was next Friday?

Maybe read the next bit.

"I've bloody got to get her bloody friends

"to the shitting house right now."

He's still going through with it? He's still going through with it.

"Don't tell your shitting mother. Stall her."

Stall her? How are we going to stall her?

How many people is he going to get now?

I know.

Good idea. We kill ourselves.

I'll go out to your car and slash your tyres. Slash my tyres?

If we get a flat tyre, it'll take us ages to fix it

because we're not, like, proper men, are we?

You're not slashing my tyres.

Adam, what else are we going to do?

Jonny? Jonny!

Er, I don't think I need to slash your tyres. What?

Surprise?

Thanks very much.

We are so late!

My lovely, terrible car.

I'm so sorry, Bobble.

Right, can't keep everyone waiting.

Everyone? No-one.

MOBILE CHIRPS

Dad.

"Pretend it's a wonderful party".

This is going to be...not good.

Very not good. Come on!

Wait.

SHE WHOOPS

Ready.

ALL: Happy birthday, Jackie!

Happy birthday, Jackie.

Well? I...I can't believe it!

Happy birthday, love. Thanks, Val.

Happy surprise birthday, Jackie.

Er, thank you, Jim.

Well, this is...

Martin, did you organise all this? Course I did.

You invited all these people? Yep.

Hilary and Philip. Sorry, Philip couldn't come. Sue.

Hi, Jackie.

Sorry, Sue.

And this is... Sarah. Sarah.

Sarah, who did the curtains. The curtains?

Oh! Sarah who did the curtains.

Isn't it great, Mum? Yeah.

Come through, love.

Of course, come through.

Yes, more people, exciting!

And here's my mother!

How the bloody hell am I supposed to eat this?

What is going on? Yes, what is going on?

Jackie, only the most wonderful party you've ever...

Martin. Where is everyone? Where are all my friends?

They're out there enjoying your wonderful party.

Please stop saying that! Martin, we invited...

You invited 44 people.

There's six people out there, including a woman I don't even know.

What are you talking about? That's Sarah who did the curtains.

You remember Sarah who did the curtains.

Sarah who did the curtains did the curtains five years ago.

Yes. And didn't she do a wonderful job? Oh, my God.

This food tastes like horse manure.

Why is your horrible, horrible mother here?

I thought it would be nice. You know, family.

Just to say, it really is a brilliant party.

Yeah. People are having so much fun. Are you joking?

I was just chatting to Quiet Sue and she saying, you know...

I couldn't make out what she was saying. She was definitely smiling.

I saw her smile. See? They're probably just running a bit late,

you know what people are like.

They're not people, Martin, they're my friends.

If friends care that much about me on my birthday...

You're not going to call them, are you?

No, I'm going to delete them from my phone. Good. What?

Sorry, Jackie, just came to give you

your special SURPRISE birthday present.

Thanks, Jim, but... Jackie.

Oh, erm...

A nightie. It was my mother's. She lived in it.

Right. And died in it. Great.

Well, um...

Lovely, Jim. Thank you.

Come on, Wilson.

HE MUTTERS

Wilson's outside.

Wonderful party, Jackie. JACKIE SOBS

You better tell her what happened or I swear I will...

Grrr.

Jackie! Jackie!

She means your balls.

Sarah who did the curtains?

Everyone else was busy tonight, weren't they?

Yes. Because you told them the wrong date. Because you're a moron.

You have to tell Mum what happened.

Tell Mum and have my head shoved up my bottom hole?

But Dad... No.

I know! Neighbours. Shh! Yes, neighbours.

We know about four neighbours, and they all hate us.

Just find some bloody neighbours for your mother's bloody party. Dad!

Dad! Dad!

Great. Good boy. There we are.

Wilson's just having his cola.

This is normal.

Begging complete strangers to come to your own mother's party.

DOORBELL RINGS Last one. Last victim.

Good evening.

Our parents live just down the road

and our mum is having a party tonight.

Chicken?

I'm sorry. What? The food. Is there going to be chicken there?

Erm, yes. Yes, there's chicken.

All right, then.

Where's the house?

Over there. Right.

Come on then. He really wants his chicken.

Chicken? Yes.

Chicken? Yes, all right.

You've been ages. Thanks for making us do that.

What? Is that all you've got? One bloody man?

Is this the chicken place? What?

Perfect guest for the perfect party.

How is the party? Shit.

I've spent most of it hiding from your mother.

So just a normal evening for you then. Shut your gob.

You better have something special to give Mum after all this.

Like a divorce. You talking about my divorce? What?

Hello, Val. I've been looking for you, Martin.

Have you? I cannot believe you haven't spoken to her yet.

Pardon, Valerie? You do know she's lying on her bed,

sobbing her eyes out.

Oh, she's probably just very tired.

God, OK. And Martin...

Ngh! My balls. Your balls.

I just really need to rethink my whole life.

All my friends, everything.

It's not that bad, Mum. Yeah, Mum. It is, boys, it is.

People are loving their corn on the cobs.

If any of this is your fault, if you made a mistake,

I won't be angry, really. Thanks.

Did you make a mistake?

No, I... You swear? I swear.

On our sons' lives?

On our sons' lives.

I'm sorry, Martin. I knew you wouldn't let me down.

There, there, love. Come on, let's go back down to your party.

Yeah. My party.

You got any more chicken?

That's it, Jackie. That's it. Martin, it's not my 90th birthday.

Hello again, everyone.

Jackie's back. Hooray for Jackie. MANY: Hooray.

LACKLUSTRE TOOT

How are you feeling now, love?

Better. Thanks. Sorry, everyone.

Did he tell her? Right, everyone.

Martin has something very important to say.

What? Has he? Go on, Martin. Say it.

Go on, Dad. Go on.

Martin?

Yes, well.

I just want to say, if you didn't know already...

..an airlock is basically a mass build up of air

that can't physically escape.

Martin told everyone the party was next week. Not tonight.

That's why there's no-one here.

What? Uh-oh. You got the date wrong. Yes.

That's why all these weirdos are here -

Lisa who did the bloody curtains.

It's Sarah. Martin, is this true?

I'm sorry, Jackie.

You mean you lied to me?

Pardon? Martin. You bloody lied to me. All right. Yes.

I lied to you, I lied to you.

But it's not my fault. Not your fault?

There was so much to bloody remember, wasn't there?

Telling everyone about your party

but not telling everyone you already knew about your party.

I'm sorry? I shouldn't have said that bit.

You already knew about your party?

What?

You mean we rushed here tonight like bloody lunatics

to give you a surprise,

and all along you knew everything? Everything?

SUE WHISPERS

You really need to speak louder, Sue.

How can you do this to your friends?

Because she's a pig, Valerie. Thank you.

How can you do this to me when you know how I feel about surprise parties?

Val... After everything that happened at my surprise party

on that fucking yacht!

Val... Val. Valerie!

I think it's best if I go.

Val. You know I didn't mean to upset you.

The menopause? So now everyone knows, do they? Erm...

These crunchy bananas are delicious.

So embarrassing. So embarrassing.

Come on now, Jackie, it was not embarrassing.

BOTH: It was embarrassing.

OK, I'm sorry. How many bleeding times do I have to say I'm sorry?

100 million.

Look, the main thing is we're here now in a lovely restaurant

and soon we'll have our lovely food and our lovely duck.

I didn't want lovely duck. I wanted a lovely surprise party.

And you had a lovely surprise party. Er...Val walking out like that?

Then all the others? Not all the others. My mother didn't leave.

Yes, I know, she's still in our bloody house.

What time did we order the drone strike?

Crispy duck and pancakes. Lovely. PHONE RINGS

Dad. Your phone. What?

Oh, my bloody mother. Here, you talk to her. Me?

Hello, Grandma. Have some duck, Jackie. I don't want duck.

If you could maybe be a bit ruder. Just hang up.

Really? Where? What?

The kitchen's flooded. Flooded? What? Badly? Badly.

Oh, the pissing airlock. Right, come on.

Now? What about my duck? Shit on the duck.

The kitchen's full of sodding water. Can we have the bill, please?

Bloody hell. Oh, hold on. I know what you're doing.

What? Come on! Taking me out the house, your stupid mother phoning,

there's a leak in the kitchen.

What are you talking about?

You threw me a terrible surprise party on purpose, didn't you? Eh?

Now we're going back home and all my friends will be there

because that's the real surprise party.

No, Jackie, it really isn't.

Yes, it is. It really isn't.

You made me a surprise party. You made me a surprise party.

Jackie. I haven't made you a surprise party.

Tickle-wickle! Jackie. Thanks. Tickle-wickle! Jackie.

Tickle-wickle! Jackie!

- So exciting! - Jackie, there isn't a bloody party, there's a bloody flood.

Gah. Please don't cost me thousands of pounds.

Please don't cost me thousands of pounds.

So exciting. Tickle-wickle!

Stop bloody doing that. Mum, there isn't a surprise party.

For Christ's sake!

I just want to say you're all very clever and I love you all so much.

Very good. Keys.

SQUEALS Ready.

Quick! Christ.

Oh, God!

Jackie, fetch the shitting bucket!

That was fun. Loads of fun.

I think I've got bloody trench foot.

Jackie. I don't want to talk about it any more, OK.

Jackie. No.

It's just been the most awful evening ever. Just awful.

I'm too tired to go home so I'll be staying here tonight.

JACKIE GROANS

Have you got something for me to sleep in? A coffin.

I'll go and find you something.

Actually, hold on a moment.

All that horrible food has given me terrible diarrhoea.

Here we are. What's this?

Ah, a nightie. Thank you, Jacqueline. My pleasure, Cynthia.

Nice one, Mum. Yeah. Good old Jackie.

Aw, thanks.

I'm sorry I ruined your surprise party.

Which wasn't a surprise party. Wasn't a surprise party.

Well, who wants a stupid surprise party anyway? Exactly.

Go on, why don't you run yourself a nice hot bath.

I'll bring you up a cuppa, yeah? Martin, that sounds really lovely.

Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.

But be careful - all your friends are hiding in the bathroom.

Surprise! Piss off!

Beautiful chicken.

# I change shapes just to hide in this place

# But I'm still, I'm still an animal

# Nobody knows it but me when I slip

# Yeah, I slip I'm still an animal

# I change shapes just to hide in this place

? But I'm still, I'm still an animal. ?

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