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1
00:00:24,260 --> 00:00:27,539
This programme contains strong
language and very adult humour.
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00:00:27,579 --> 00:00:31,579
CAR CREAKS AND GROANS
3
00:00:35,619 --> 00:00:38,420
Sounds like a goose. Seriously,
I'm not missing the Grand Prix.
4
00:00:38,460 --> 00:00:40,740
Maybe you could say that
another 5,000 times(!)
5
00:00:40,780 --> 00:00:43,340
Ah! The Grand Prix.
6
00:00:43,380 --> 00:00:47,380
Jim? Is that the one with the cars
or the horses?
7
00:00:47,579 --> 00:00:50,899
What are you doing here? Just having
our little walk, aren't we, Wilson?
8
00:00:50,939 --> 00:00:54,219
In our drive? Hmm?
9
00:00:54,259 --> 00:00:56,179
Well, goodbye, then.
10
00:00:56,219 --> 00:01:00,219
JIM SNIFFS
11
00:01:02,259 --> 00:01:04,859
Uh? Just checking for meat.
12
00:01:04,900 --> 00:01:07,579
Meat? Yes. Wilson's on a no-meat
diet at the moment,
13
00:01:07,620 --> 00:01:10,180
so we have to be very careful,
don't we, Wilson?
14
00:01:10,219 --> 00:01:12,099
He's ravenous!
15
00:01:12,140 --> 00:01:16,140
Um, we're not carrying any meat
on us, Jim. Yeah. Not today.
16
00:01:16,219 --> 00:01:18,260
That's good. All clear!
17
00:01:18,299 --> 00:01:20,859
Thanks. Bye. Enjoy the horsies!
18
00:01:20,900 --> 00:01:22,819
Come on, Wilson!
19
00:01:22,859 --> 00:01:26,859
Meat? There is no way I'm missing
the Grand Prix. Oh.
20
00:01:27,340 --> 00:01:31,019
Don't you have your keys?
Oh. Hello... Horrible...Grandma.
21
00:01:31,060 --> 00:01:35,060
If you had your keys, then your poor
parents wouldn't have to keep trudging to the door!
22
00:01:36,020 --> 00:01:40,020
OK. May we come in?
23
00:01:44,180 --> 00:01:48,180
Wipe your feet!
24
00:01:49,979 --> 00:01:51,620
Dirty boys!
25
00:01:51,659 --> 00:01:53,700
The pigs are here!
26
00:01:53,740 --> 00:01:56,099
Hi, pigs! Hi. Hi, Mum.
27
00:01:56,140 --> 00:01:59,939
You look nice!
28
00:01:59,979 --> 00:02:01,780
Why can't it be her funeral today?
29
00:02:01,819 --> 00:02:04,140
I'm sure it can be arranged!
30
00:02:04,180 --> 00:02:07,260
Actually, I did see a large rock out
there! Some small ones would do.
31
00:02:07,299 --> 00:02:11,060
Just had a good sniffing from Jim.
You what? Where's Dad?
32
00:02:11,099 --> 00:02:13,939
Writing his speech.
Dad's doing a speech?!
33
00:02:13,979 --> 00:02:15,860
Which thick idiot had that idea?
34
00:02:15,900 --> 00:02:18,860
My beloved brother passes away.
35
00:02:18,900 --> 00:02:22,900
The least your father can do is get
off his backside and say a few words!
36
00:02:23,259 --> 00:02:25,460
Of course, Cynthia.
Everything OK now?
37
00:02:25,500 --> 00:02:28,379
The coffee's cold. You said
you didn't want it too hot.
38
00:02:28,420 --> 00:02:31,979
Neither did I want it too cold.
I'll pour you a new one, then.
39
00:02:32,020 --> 00:02:34,780
Well, it won't pour itself!
40
00:02:34,819 --> 00:02:38,819
What happened to that? It fell over.
Fell over or was pushed over? That's what I'd like to know!
41
00:02:40,219 --> 00:02:44,219
Well, enjoy!
42
00:02:44,420 --> 00:02:48,420
Well, sit down! OK... Horrible.
..Grandma.
43
00:02:53,819 --> 00:02:56,099
Well, aren't you going to say
anything?
44
00:02:56,139 --> 00:02:59,099
Sorry Uncle Saul died.
45
00:02:59,139 --> 00:03:01,259
Oh, Saul was a wonderful man!
46
00:03:01,300 --> 00:03:03,300
Everybody loved him.
47
00:03:03,340 --> 00:03:07,340
Hated him! The thing is, he ate too
much, and in the end, it killed him!
48
00:03:07,860 --> 00:03:11,860
His rectum seized up and his bowels
imploded!
49
00:03:12,259 --> 00:03:14,300
Eughh!
50
00:03:14,340 --> 00:03:16,219
Bambinos. Dad.
51
00:03:16,259 --> 00:03:17,860
How's the speech, Mr Churchill?
52
00:03:17,900 --> 00:03:21,900
Pillock! Sorry, Mum. Where was Uncle
Saul born again? Edinburgh? London!
53
00:03:23,020 --> 00:03:25,620
He was a baker? Tailor!
54
00:03:25,659 --> 00:03:28,219
Wife called Jean. He never married!
55
00:03:28,259 --> 00:03:30,300
Who needs facts, eh, Dad?
56
00:03:30,340 --> 00:03:34,340
I'm going to the shed! Bodes well!
Bleedin' hell.
57
00:03:35,379 --> 00:03:39,379
Here we are. Daddy looks happy(!)
He just found his cyanide pills.
58
00:03:39,659 --> 00:03:42,579
Ooh! Too hot! You're welcome.
59
00:03:42,620 --> 00:03:45,699
Maybe we should get going. Yeah.
But I haven't had my hair done, yet!
60
00:03:45,740 --> 00:03:49,740
Your hair? You know what hair is,
don't you?
61
00:03:49,819 --> 00:03:52,099
But the funeral starts at ten...
Horrible...Grandma.
62
00:03:52,139 --> 00:03:54,539
No, it's at 12. You said ten!
63
00:03:54,579 --> 00:03:56,180
Did I?
64
00:03:56,219 --> 00:04:00,219
But that means I'm gonna miss the...
Mrs Goodman, your personal stylist awaits! Hi, boys.
65
00:04:00,419 --> 00:04:02,180
BOTH: Hi, Auntie Val.
Here.
66
00:04:02,219 --> 00:04:04,620
Oh! Thank you, Cynthia!
67
00:04:04,659 --> 00:04:08,659
It's not for you! I want you
to carry it! Stupid woman!
68
00:04:10,659 --> 00:04:12,219
Deep breaths!
69
00:04:12,259 --> 00:04:15,340
- Can we get you a rock?
- Huh?
70
00:04:15,379 --> 00:04:18,180
Hurry up, Valerie!
I hope she'll be all right.
71
00:04:18,220 --> 00:04:21,379
Inside!
72
00:04:21,420 --> 00:04:25,339
What? Why did you tell us
the funeral was at ten?
73
00:04:25,379 --> 00:04:27,779
Cos I wanted you to help with...
Bugger-tits?
74
00:04:27,819 --> 00:04:31,339
Yes, Bugger-tits. Boys, do you think
she pushed our cabinet over?
75
00:04:31,379 --> 00:04:34,379
But it's the Monaco Grand Prix!
Is it? Who's playing?
76
00:04:34,420 --> 00:04:38,220
Excellent. No-one's playing.
It's the Grand Prix. I never miss the Grand Prix!
77
00:04:38,259 --> 00:04:41,420
Oh, grow up, Jonny.
It's your great uncle's funeral.
78
00:04:41,459 --> 00:04:45,459
So? I hardly knew the guy!
What? You remember Uncle Saul.
79
00:04:45,540 --> 00:04:48,779
Large...gentleman. Large elephant.
80
00:04:48,819 --> 00:04:50,420
Adam! Mum, he was a knob-head!
81
00:04:50,459 --> 00:04:54,459
Jonny! He was a knob-head. Stop it!
He was family. The family knob-head.
82
00:04:54,579 --> 00:04:56,939
I'm sorry, everyone.
Are you all right, love?
83
00:04:56,980 --> 00:05:00,980
Could you get me a rock?
84
00:05:06,420 --> 00:05:09,699
Hi, Dad. Wish it was my mother
they were burying!
85
00:05:09,740 --> 00:05:11,939
What are you doing?
Sitting in the shed.
86
00:05:11,980 --> 00:05:15,579
I think he means, "Why have you got
a cloth on your face?" I did mean that.
87
00:05:15,620 --> 00:05:19,379
It keeps out the light. Right.
Also...
88
00:05:19,420 --> 00:05:21,220
..it smells nice.
89
00:05:21,259 --> 00:05:24,420
Mmm! Grubby!
90
00:05:24,459 --> 00:05:26,459
Shouldn't you be writing
your speech?
91
00:05:26,500 --> 00:05:30,500
I don't know what to say about
the bloody man! Who's making me miss the Grand Prix. Really?
92
00:05:31,019 --> 00:05:33,340
Who's playing?
93
00:05:33,379 --> 00:05:35,779
I've hardly written a thing.
What have you written?
94
00:05:35,819 --> 00:05:38,740
"He liked potatoes." It's a start.
95
00:05:38,779 --> 00:05:41,779
"And most breads." There's your
middle. All you need now is the end!
96
00:05:41,819 --> 00:05:44,899
Prannies! I've just been reading
his medical report.
97
00:05:44,939 --> 00:05:47,459
Well, there's your speech.
Makes you think, though.
98
00:05:47,500 --> 00:05:51,180
One minute you're having
your sandwich. The next, your arse blows up.
99
00:05:51,220 --> 00:05:53,500
Yeah. Maybe don't say that.
100
00:05:53,540 --> 00:05:56,220
I tell you, this family
and its bottoms! Or that.
101
00:05:56,259 --> 00:05:58,340
And I've got to carry
his bloody coffin!
102
00:05:58,379 --> 00:06:02,379
You're carrying his coffin?
Bad luck, Dad! Might as well be carrying a bus!
103
00:06:03,939 --> 00:06:06,459
I don't know why you're laughing.
You're carrying it with me.
104
00:06:06,500 --> 00:06:09,779
What?! We're... Yep. Coffin bearers.
105
00:06:09,819 --> 00:06:10,980
Mmm!
106
00:06:11,019 --> 00:06:14,939
Smelly!
107
00:06:14,980 --> 00:06:16,500
Mmm!
108
00:06:16,540 --> 00:06:19,860
I'm not arguing about it. You're
carrying your great uncle's coffin.
109
00:06:19,899 --> 00:06:22,220
But Mum, it's sinister!
It's not sinister!
110
00:06:22,259 --> 00:06:24,819
What, carrying a dead body
is not sinister?
111
00:06:24,860 --> 00:06:26,740
Don't be silly! It's in a box!
112
00:06:26,779 --> 00:06:30,779
A dead body in a box -
that's not sinister? That is definitely sinister.
113
00:06:33,620 --> 00:06:35,899
How are we getting on in here?
114
00:06:35,939 --> 00:06:39,060
Jacqueline, will you tell this woman
to stop scraping my skull?
115
00:06:39,100 --> 00:06:42,100
And Jacqueline,, will you get me
a gin and tonic?
116
00:06:42,139 --> 00:06:44,779
Um... With no tonic. Right.
117
00:06:44,819 --> 00:06:46,500
Oh, dear!
118
00:06:46,540 --> 00:06:50,220
OK, we'll carry his coffin. But that
is the last coffin we ever carry. What?
119
00:06:50,259 --> 00:06:52,860
Yeah. The last one.
Apart from mine, obviously.
120
00:06:52,899 --> 00:06:55,779
Sorry? Sorry?
121
00:06:55,819 --> 00:06:57,939
When I die, you'll carry my coffin.
122
00:06:57,980 --> 00:07:01,500
Huh?! No way! What?
123
00:07:01,540 --> 00:07:03,980
You won't carry your mother's coffin
to her grave?
124
00:07:04,019 --> 00:07:07,259
Because that's not sinister at all,
is it? What, dead mum in box.
125
00:07:07,300 --> 00:07:11,300
Well. Clearly asking my own two sons
to carry their mother's body
126
00:07:11,939 --> 00:07:13,939
is too much to ask.
127
00:07:13,980 --> 00:07:15,819
It is quite a lot to ask.
128
00:07:15,860 --> 00:07:17,660
Unbelievable!
129
00:07:17,699 --> 00:07:20,980
We're unbelievable? Unbelievable!
130
00:07:21,019 --> 00:07:23,699
Uh, have you injured your brain,
or something?
131
00:07:23,740 --> 00:07:27,379
I can't believe you are literally
refusing to carry my body.
132
00:07:27,420 --> 00:07:29,139
All right. OK! We'll carry it.
133
00:07:29,180 --> 00:07:32,300
Thank you. As long as you die
in the next five minutes.
134
00:07:32,340 --> 00:07:35,220
Starting now.
135
00:07:35,259 --> 00:07:37,540
Is 17 words enough for a speech?
136
00:07:37,579 --> 00:07:40,379
Martin, the boys are saying
they won't carry my coffin.
137
00:07:40,420 --> 00:07:44,060
They're not carrying your coffin,
they're carrying Uncle Saul's coffin.
138
00:07:44,100 --> 00:07:46,540
I mean for my funeral, you idiot!
139
00:07:46,579 --> 00:07:48,740
They won't carry my body. Tell them!
140
00:07:48,779 --> 00:07:51,259
Well, you'll carry your mother's
body. Thank you.
141
00:07:51,300 --> 00:07:55,300
Just make sure you wash your hands
afterwards!
142
00:07:57,300 --> 00:08:00,620
Well, I'll be very angry
if you don't carry me.
143
00:08:00,660 --> 00:08:03,019
Um, I don't think you'll know.
Oh, I'll know all right!
144
00:08:03,060 --> 00:08:06,699
Oh, yeah? I'll be watching you.
145
00:08:06,740 --> 00:08:10,740
What? You wouldn't want your own
mother watching over you when she's gone?
146
00:08:11,339 --> 00:08:15,339
But what else, though? Martin, can
you please stop drinking from that bloody tap?
147
00:08:16,300 --> 00:08:19,100
Ahh! You sound like an ox!
148
00:08:19,139 --> 00:08:20,860
Thirsty.
149
00:08:20,899 --> 00:08:23,139
Well. It's obvious I mean nothing
to you.
150
00:08:23,180 --> 00:08:26,060
Not nothing, but...
151
00:08:26,100 --> 00:08:29,620
Right!
152
00:08:29,660 --> 00:08:33,100
Shed.
BOTH: Shed.
153
00:08:33,139 --> 00:08:35,899
Jim. Hello, all!
154
00:08:35,940 --> 00:08:39,419
What the hell are you doing there?
We're just doing walkies, aren't we, Wilson?
155
00:08:39,460 --> 00:08:41,179
What, down the side of our house?
156
00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:42,379
Hmm?
157
00:08:42,419 --> 00:08:44,940
Jim, we're really quite busy.
158
00:08:44,980 --> 00:08:48,620
Yes, of course.
You look nice in black.
159
00:08:48,659 --> 00:08:52,659
Uh... Come on, Wilson.
160
00:08:54,259 --> 00:08:55,899
SNIFFS LOUDLY
161
00:08:55,940 --> 00:08:58,500
Jim? Wh-what are you...
162
00:08:58,539 --> 00:09:01,220
Just checking for meat?
Just checking for meat.
163
00:09:01,259 --> 00:09:05,019
Meat? Yes, Wilson's on a no-meat
diet, aren't you, lovely?
164
00:09:05,059 --> 00:09:07,259
He's ravenous!
165
00:09:07,299 --> 00:09:09,899
Jim, we're kind of going to
a funeral today, so...
166
00:09:09,940 --> 00:09:13,940
A funeral? Oh, dear. Who died?
My uncle, Jim.
167
00:09:14,659 --> 00:09:16,940
Oh, your Uncle Jim.
168
00:09:16,980 --> 00:09:19,700
What?! Well, I am sorry, Martin.
169
00:09:19,740 --> 00:09:22,700
Where will you be putting
the corpse?
170
00:09:22,740 --> 00:09:25,019
The corpse?! The carcass.
171
00:09:25,059 --> 00:09:27,620
The usual place. In the mud?
172
00:09:27,659 --> 00:09:30,100
The ground. Ground.
173
00:09:30,139 --> 00:09:31,740
He's being buried at the cemetery.
174
00:09:31,779 --> 00:09:35,779
Yes, of course. Is that the normal
one or the Jewish one?
175
00:09:37,179 --> 00:09:39,340
The Jewish one. Ah!
176
00:09:39,379 --> 00:09:41,860
Shalom!
177
00:09:41,899 --> 00:09:43,460
Shalom.
178
00:09:43,500 --> 00:09:46,539
Well, thanks, Jim. I have to finish
my speech, so...
179
00:09:46,580 --> 00:09:48,740
Ah! A speech!
180
00:09:48,779 --> 00:09:52,019
To be or not to be,
that is the question.
181
00:09:52,059 --> 00:09:56,059
A horse! A horse! My kingdom
for a... Romeo!
182
00:09:56,139 --> 00:09:59,220
Romeo! Is this a dagger which I...
183
00:09:59,259 --> 00:10:03,259
Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me
your...
184
00:10:03,500 --> 00:10:05,340
That is it!
185
00:10:05,379 --> 00:10:09,220
That bloody woman can shove her hair
right up her arse!
186
00:10:09,259 --> 00:10:12,500
SNIFFS LOUDLY
187
00:10:13,139 --> 00:10:15,700
And she was just so...
Horrible? Horrible?
188
00:10:15,740 --> 00:10:17,740
You mustn't let it get to you, love.
189
00:10:17,779 --> 00:10:19,899
But why would she say such things?
190
00:10:19,940 --> 00:10:22,220
Why would she call me a prostitute?
191
00:10:22,259 --> 00:10:25,620
I'm not a prostitute, am I?
Course you're not a prostitute!
192
00:10:25,659 --> 00:10:29,659
She said I was! Boys, tell your
auntie she's not a prostitute.
193
00:10:31,620 --> 00:10:34,299
TOGETHER: Auntie, you're not
a prostitute.
194
00:10:34,340 --> 00:10:36,740
Thank you, boys.
195
00:10:36,779 --> 00:10:40,500
Listen to this. Did you know,
in the year Uncle Saul was born,
196
00:10:40,539 --> 00:10:42,940
they erected the very first
National Grid pylon?
197
00:10:42,980 --> 00:10:45,299
Really? Well, that's one
for the speech(!)
198
00:10:45,340 --> 00:10:46,860
Don't worry. It's in.
199
00:10:46,899 --> 00:10:50,899
Did you talk to her, then? Who?
Your mother. My mother? Yes!
200
00:10:51,620 --> 00:10:55,620
You were gonna tell her what a rude
bloody cow she was, remember? Oh, yes, I remember.
201
00:10:56,220 --> 00:10:58,899
Well? Well, I was going to.
202
00:10:58,940 --> 00:11:02,740
And? And then I didn't.
Who would have guessed?
203
00:11:02,779 --> 00:11:06,779
Martin, where's that cup of tea?
204
00:11:06,820 --> 00:11:10,419
Mum... What?
205
00:11:10,460 --> 00:11:12,539
I'll go get it for you.
206
00:11:12,580 --> 00:11:14,179
What a man!
207
00:11:14,220 --> 00:11:18,220
Well, Valerie. Are you going
to finish my hair or what?
208
00:11:18,259 --> 00:11:21,019
Uh, Valerie's not speaking to you
at the moment, Cynthia.
209
00:11:21,059 --> 00:11:25,059
I see. And neither am I.
210
00:11:25,980 --> 00:11:28,340
Right.
211
00:11:28,379 --> 00:11:31,700
May I ask whose car keys are these?
212
00:11:31,740 --> 00:11:33,980
They're mine. Why?
213
00:11:34,019 --> 00:11:38,019
Then I shall be waiting on the back
seat for you. What? Where are we going?
214
00:11:39,179 --> 00:11:43,179
Nowhere. I think she just wants you
to feel her tits. Jonathan!
215
00:11:46,259 --> 00:11:48,419
Oh, my God!
216
00:11:48,460 --> 00:11:52,460
Tits!
217
00:11:52,940 --> 00:11:55,340
GRANDMA: The hairdressers is just
over there. Pull in.
218
00:11:55,379 --> 00:11:59,379
Pull in! Yes, OK!
219
00:12:01,500 --> 00:12:03,460
Right. We're here now, so...
220
00:12:03,500 --> 00:12:07,500
How your mother can be friends
with that hysterical woman, I shall never know!
221
00:12:07,820 --> 00:12:11,059
Do you want to get out? She's
obviously got mental problems.
222
00:12:11,100 --> 00:12:13,419
Do you want to get out?
Clearly menopausal.
223
00:12:13,460 --> 00:12:15,139
How sweet. Maybe get out? Right.
224
00:12:15,179 --> 00:12:19,179
I'm getting out now.
225
00:12:19,340 --> 00:12:23,299
I shall be 20 minutes.
226
00:12:23,340 --> 00:12:26,460
Truck runs her over.
Building collapses on her.
227
00:12:26,500 --> 00:12:28,299
Oh. She lives.
228
00:12:28,340 --> 00:12:29,820
Shame!
229
00:12:29,860 --> 00:12:32,340
Right. The Grand Prix.
230
00:12:32,379 --> 00:12:36,379
Great(!) You know it doesn't work.
Could you possibly have a shittier car?
231
00:12:36,580 --> 00:12:38,580
Could you possibly have
a shittier face?
232
00:12:38,620 --> 00:12:40,980
Oh! Animal!
233
00:12:41,019 --> 00:12:43,139
I'll try my phone.
234
00:12:43,179 --> 00:12:46,139
How can you watch all those cars
go round and round?
235
00:12:46,179 --> 00:12:49,019
Night-night, pus-face! Might as
well be watching traffic.
236
00:12:49,059 --> 00:12:53,059
Of course! No signal
in the crap-mobile.
237
00:12:53,179 --> 00:12:54,940
Right.
238
00:12:54,980 --> 00:12:56,659
Where are you going?
239
00:12:56,700 --> 00:13:00,659
A pub. They'll have a screen.
A pub?! Yeah. We won't be long.
240
00:13:00,700 --> 00:13:03,220
Er, no...
241
00:13:03,259 --> 00:13:05,259
..we won't. Huh?
242
00:13:05,299 --> 00:13:08,620
Start the car! That was quick!
I said, "Start the car!"
243
00:13:08,659 --> 00:13:11,340
What?
244
00:13:11,379 --> 00:13:14,259
What happened? All I said was,
245
00:13:14,299 --> 00:13:17,899
I didn't want them to make me look
like all the other prostitutes in there!
246
00:13:17,940 --> 00:13:21,340
Oh, the good old prostitutes.
And they refused to do my hair!
247
00:13:21,379 --> 00:13:23,820
You don't say(!) Come on!
ENGINE SPLUTTERS
248
00:13:23,860 --> 00:13:27,259
Though unfortunately,
a large glass cabinet fell over
249
00:13:27,299 --> 00:13:29,259
just as I was leaving.
250
00:13:29,299 --> 00:13:32,659
It smashed everywhere!
251
00:13:32,700 --> 00:13:36,700
Oh! Here come the prostitutes!
252
00:13:39,779 --> 00:13:43,580
Do you understand the seriousness
of what happened, Mrs Goodman?
253
00:13:43,620 --> 00:13:45,379
I think so, Officer.
254
00:13:45,419 --> 00:13:47,940
But it's all so confusing!
255
00:13:47,980 --> 00:13:51,460
Please, can I go and bury
my brother?
256
00:13:51,500 --> 00:13:54,220
Sorry, but can your mother
understand what I've been saying?
257
00:13:54,259 --> 00:13:58,139
ALL: Yes!
Excuse me, do you have Wi-Fi?
258
00:13:58,179 --> 00:14:01,419
Fortunately, Mrs Goodman, your son
has agreed to pay the damages.
259
00:14:01,460 --> 00:14:02,740
"Fortunately"?
260
00:14:02,779 --> 00:14:05,259
And since the owners have decided
not to press charges,
261
00:14:05,299 --> 00:14:07,340
you are, effectively, free to go.
262
00:14:07,379 --> 00:14:09,179
Oh, bless you, Officer!
263
00:14:09,220 --> 00:14:12,899
I'll leave you to it, then.
264
00:14:12,940 --> 00:14:16,940
You mean you're not gonna hang her
by the neck? Until she's very, very dead?
265
00:14:20,700 --> 00:14:22,580
Blimey!
266
00:14:22,620 --> 00:14:26,620
Mum, I hope you heard what the nice
policeman just said!
267
00:14:26,860 --> 00:14:30,220
Stupid fuss about nothing.
I'm sorry?
268
00:14:30,259 --> 00:14:34,259
So a silly cabinet falls over.
Cabinets fall over the whole time!
269
00:14:34,340 --> 00:14:38,100
You pushed our cabinet over,
didn't you? I beg your pardon?
270
00:14:38,139 --> 00:14:41,139
That's it. I'm not going
to the funeral.
271
00:14:41,179 --> 00:14:45,179
What?! Jackie! Not until your mother
apologises for...everything!
272
00:14:46,139 --> 00:14:49,220
Apologises?! You heard me.
I'm not going.
273
00:14:49,259 --> 00:14:52,820
But Jackie, they're burying the old
git in 20 minutes! I don't care.
274
00:14:52,860 --> 00:14:56,860
Well, you're going Martin.
You have to accompany your mother.
275
00:14:57,899 --> 00:15:00,259
Um, I think I might have to...
276
00:15:00,299 --> 00:15:03,299
Um...potentially...
277
00:15:03,340 --> 00:15:05,860
..maybe...
278
00:15:05,899 --> 00:15:08,740
..agree with my wife.
279
00:15:08,779 --> 00:15:10,580
What a man!
280
00:15:10,620 --> 00:15:12,379
Well, Cynthia?
281
00:15:12,419 --> 00:15:16,419
I'm waiting.
282
00:15:18,179 --> 00:15:21,019
You're right.
283
00:15:21,059 --> 00:15:22,460
I've been really...
284
00:15:22,500 --> 00:15:24,539
Horrible! Horrible! What's the word?
285
00:15:24,580 --> 00:15:27,899
Horrible. Horrible.
Fucking horrible!
286
00:15:27,940 --> 00:15:30,220
Yes. Fucking horrible.
287
00:15:30,259 --> 00:15:34,259
So I'd like to apologise to you all
for my behaviour today.
288
00:15:37,620 --> 00:15:38,860
Wow!
289
00:15:38,899 --> 00:15:41,259
Martin, give everyone a pound.
290
00:15:41,299 --> 00:15:43,940
Brilliant! More money? Right.
291
00:15:43,980 --> 00:15:47,899
We've got a funeral to go to.
292
00:15:47,940 --> 00:15:49,659
As soon as I've had my hair done.
293
00:15:49,700 --> 00:15:51,940
What?! Oh, bloody shit!
294
00:15:51,980 --> 00:15:55,980
Martin, you don't expect your mother
to stand by a grave with half-finished hair, do you? But Mum!
295
00:15:57,340 --> 00:15:59,940
If you'd all like to...
Sorry, Officer.
296
00:15:59,980 --> 00:16:03,980
You don't have another room we could
use for a few minutes?
297
00:16:04,100 --> 00:16:05,740
Nearly there.
298
00:16:05,779 --> 00:16:07,659
Seriously, can we just go?
299
00:16:07,700 --> 00:16:09,580
Why can't I get a signal? All done.
300
00:16:09,620 --> 00:16:10,980
Thank Christ.
301
00:16:11,019 --> 00:16:12,980
Happy, now, Mrs Goodman?
302
00:16:13,019 --> 00:16:15,059
Oh, thank you, Valerie!
303
00:16:15,100 --> 00:16:16,899
Are you still here?
304
00:16:16,940 --> 00:16:19,220
Sorry, Officer. We're just leaving.
305
00:16:19,259 --> 00:16:23,259
Alright, Mum? Just a minute!
306
00:16:24,980 --> 00:16:27,100
Well, come on!
307
00:16:27,139 --> 00:16:29,860
She's wearing a bloody hat!
308
00:16:29,899 --> 00:16:32,460
I've got a signal!
I've got a signal!
309
00:16:32,500 --> 00:16:34,179
Ha! I'm a genius!
310
00:16:34,220 --> 00:16:36,059
OK, piss-face!
311
00:16:36,100 --> 00:16:37,620
FLUSH SOUNDS
312
00:16:37,659 --> 00:16:41,659
Aghh! Oh! I've lost my ace!
313
00:16:43,259 --> 00:16:46,779
The loving kindness of the Lord is
for all eternity...
314
00:16:46,820 --> 00:16:48,779
We are SO late!
315
00:16:48,820 --> 00:16:52,580
They're still soaking! Oh, shame(!)
316
00:16:52,620 --> 00:16:55,500
..who have I in heaven but you.
317
00:16:55,539 --> 00:16:59,100
Sorry, Rabbi. My mother was nicked
for smashing up a hairdresser's.
318
00:16:59,139 --> 00:17:03,139
Martin!
319
00:17:03,700 --> 00:17:06,940
Who are these people? Don't worry.
All you need to know
320
00:17:06,980 --> 00:17:10,460
it that's the poor sod we're dumping
in the ground. Martin!
321
00:17:10,500 --> 00:17:14,380
My poor brother,
lying in the coffin!
322
00:17:14,420 --> 00:17:18,420
Let's hope he doesn't try to eat
his way out of it!
323
00:17:18,900 --> 00:17:21,700
Ha! He burst a tyre! No way!
324
00:17:21,740 --> 00:17:24,539
I'm sorry?
325
00:17:24,579 --> 00:17:27,819
Uh, nothing, Rabbi.
326
00:17:27,859 --> 00:17:30,700
Men seek refuge under the shadow of
your wings
327
00:17:30,740 --> 00:17:33,380
for with you is the fountain
of life.
328
00:17:33,420 --> 00:17:35,940
Before we lay Saul's body to rest,
329
00:17:35,980 --> 00:17:39,099
Saul's nephew, Martin Goodman,
330
00:17:39,140 --> 00:17:41,059
would like to say a few words.
331
00:17:41,099 --> 00:17:42,700
Bugger!
332
00:17:42,740 --> 00:17:44,460
I mean, of course, Rabbi.
333
00:17:44,500 --> 00:17:46,700
Here we go. Armageddon!
334
00:17:46,740 --> 00:17:50,740
Good luck, Martin! Don't let your
mother down! He will.
335
00:17:50,900 --> 00:17:53,619
Oh, God! Where are the bloody
things?
336
00:17:53,660 --> 00:17:57,660
Started well!
337
00:17:58,140 --> 00:18:00,299
CLEARS THROAT
338
00:18:00,339 --> 00:18:04,339
RASPING GUTTURAL SOUNDS
339
00:18:10,819 --> 00:18:12,859
Relatives, friends and...
340
00:18:12,900 --> 00:18:14,900
Shalom! Jim?
341
00:18:14,940 --> 00:18:18,220
Oh, God! Please, sir,
this is a holy place!
342
00:18:18,259 --> 00:18:20,900
Yes, my liege. Shalom!
343
00:18:20,940 --> 00:18:24,940
Bleedin' hell! Go on!
344
00:18:25,740 --> 00:18:28,740
Sorry, Rabbi.
345
00:18:28,779 --> 00:18:30,579
Jim, did you follow us here?
346
00:18:30,619 --> 00:18:33,579
Shalom! What are you doing?
347
00:18:33,619 --> 00:18:37,619
Wilson and I have come to pay our
respects to the corpse.
348
00:18:38,059 --> 00:18:39,740
The carcass.
349
00:18:39,779 --> 00:18:43,460
His name was Saul, Jim. Saul Jim.
350
00:18:43,500 --> 00:18:47,500
BALLOONS POP
Sorry!
351
00:18:49,059 --> 00:18:51,220
Black balloons?! Black balloons.
352
00:18:51,259 --> 00:18:55,180
Mr Goodman. Right, thank you.
353
00:18:55,220 --> 00:18:57,180
Relatives, friends
354
00:18:57,220 --> 00:18:58,740
and my mother,
355
00:18:58,779 --> 00:19:02,779
we're here to mark the sad passing
of Saul David Epstein.
356
00:19:03,700 --> 00:19:07,140
Saul Richard Epstein!
Saul Richard Epstein,
357
00:19:07,180 --> 00:19:10,660
who was born way back in 1928.
358
00:19:10,700 --> 00:19:14,539
A very special year, because did you
know that was the year
359
00:19:14,579 --> 00:19:17,500
they erected the very first
National Grid pylon.
360
00:19:17,539 --> 00:19:19,259
We knew. Pillocks!
361
00:19:19,299 --> 00:19:22,660
BALLOON POPS
Sorry!
362
00:19:22,700 --> 00:19:25,740
Saul David Epstein...
Richard Epstein!
363
00:19:25,779 --> 00:19:28,220
Richard Epstein. Saul Richard
Epstein
364
00:19:28,259 --> 00:19:32,259
suffered a long and terrible
drawn-out illness
365
00:19:33,339 --> 00:19:37,339
during which he developed some
pretty horrid bacteria
366
00:19:38,299 --> 00:19:40,619
deep inside his gut.
367
00:19:40,660 --> 00:19:42,059
He's doing the medical report!
368
00:19:42,099 --> 00:19:45,859
Unfortunately, this all led to
a nasty infection
369
00:19:45,900 --> 00:19:47,940
in his intestinal regions
370
00:19:47,980 --> 00:19:51,980
and subsequent rupture of the inner
lining to his anal glands.
371
00:19:53,819 --> 00:19:55,859
Did he just... Anal glands.
372
00:19:55,900 --> 00:19:59,900
And this in turn created an enormous
build-up of faecal matter.
373
00:20:00,619 --> 00:20:02,099
Did he... Faecal matter.
374
00:20:02,140 --> 00:20:05,140
And since the sphincter
had all but given up,
375
00:20:05,180 --> 00:20:09,180
there was effectively a whole mass
of solid waste
376
00:20:09,259 --> 00:20:12,339
leaking back into Saul's bowels.
377
00:20:12,380 --> 00:20:14,220
Er, Martin... Until bang!..
378
00:20:14,259 --> 00:20:16,740
BALLOON POPS
Sorry!
379
00:20:16,779 --> 00:20:19,980
..Saul's bowels just exploded.
380
00:20:20,019 --> 00:20:22,140
Only inwardly.
381
00:20:22,180 --> 00:20:26,180
So if there is one lesson to be
learnt from Saul's life,
382
00:20:26,339 --> 00:20:30,339
it's that we should all take
much greater care of our health,
383
00:20:30,940 --> 00:20:34,940
in particular our guts
and our anuses.
384
00:20:37,019 --> 00:20:39,900
Martin. What?
385
00:20:39,940 --> 00:20:41,619
Yes. Well, um...
386
00:20:41,660 --> 00:20:42,819
Amen.
387
00:20:42,859 --> 00:20:44,380
ALL: Amen.
388
00:20:44,420 --> 00:20:46,779
Uh... Thank you, Mr Goodman.
389
00:20:46,819 --> 00:20:49,259
Much to ponder about there.
390
00:20:49,299 --> 00:20:52,339
Really, Martin! What were you
thinking? What?
391
00:20:52,380 --> 00:20:54,339
Nice one, Dad. Guts and anuses!
392
00:20:54,380 --> 00:20:56,059
It's factually correct.
393
00:20:56,099 --> 00:20:58,140
PRAYS IN HEBREW
394
00:20:58,180 --> 00:21:02,180
Sorry, I'm not missing any more.
Jonny!
395
00:21:03,740 --> 00:21:07,740
Thank you, gentlemen. Oh, God!
Dead man in box time.
396
00:21:11,500 --> 00:21:15,500
And lift. Oh, Jesus Christ!
397
00:21:19,019 --> 00:21:21,339
Hopefully it'll be lighter
when your mother's in it!
398
00:21:21,380 --> 00:21:25,299
UNDERTAKER: Slowly, slowly.
399
00:21:25,339 --> 00:21:28,579
SOUND OF CARS RACING
Oh, God! My phone!
400
00:21:28,619 --> 00:21:31,220
Jonny!
401
00:21:31,259 --> 00:21:33,660
Turn it off, you idiot! I'm trying!
402
00:21:33,700 --> 00:21:36,619
What's that noise?
Turn that bleedin' thing off!
403
00:21:36,660 --> 00:21:40,660
I can't reach! Adam, help! Oh, God!
404
00:21:44,140 --> 00:21:46,579
Oh, shit on it! Oh, my God!
405
00:21:46,619 --> 00:21:49,420
Sorry! You shitting, crapping
imbeciles!
406
00:21:49,460 --> 00:21:51,460
You've broken the lid!
407
00:21:51,500 --> 00:21:53,099
No, Wilson!
408
00:21:53,140 --> 00:21:55,819
Oh, my God!
409
00:21:55,859 --> 00:21:57,420
No, Wilson, no meat!
410
00:21:57,460 --> 00:22:00,180
No meat! Get that bloody dog away!
411
00:22:00,220 --> 00:22:02,180
Rabbi, he's ravenous.
412
00:22:02,220 --> 00:22:04,660
My poor, poor brother!
413
00:22:04,700 --> 00:22:08,700
Well, it's what he would have
wanted. Yeah.
414
00:22:08,900 --> 00:22:11,819
# I change shapes just to hide
in this place
415
00:22:11,859 --> 00:22:15,859
# But I'm still, I'm still an animal
416
00:22:16,539 --> 00:22:19,180
# Nobody knows it but me when I slip
417
00:22:19,220 --> 00:22:23,220
# Yeah, I slip I'm still an animal
418
00:22:23,500 --> 00:22:27,059
# I change shapes just to hide
in this place
419
00:22:27,099 --> 00:22:30,460
♪ But I'm still,
I'm still an animal. ♪
420
00:22:30,510 --> 00:22:35,060
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