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1
00:00:29,500 --> 00:00:31,580
You mean you actually
paid money for that?
2
00:00:31,620 --> 00:00:34,100
Can we stop talking about my hair,
now, please?
3
00:00:34,140 --> 00:00:35,940
What style did you ask for?
4
00:00:35,980 --> 00:00:38,020
Tosser. Oh, that style.
5
00:00:38,060 --> 00:00:39,620
That's it, Mum. Hi.
6
00:00:39,660 --> 00:00:41,180
Hi, boys. Oh, hello.
7
00:00:41,220 --> 00:00:43,540
What's going on? Grandma's going
to a party.
8
00:00:43,580 --> 00:00:44,980
I'm going to a party.
9
00:00:45,020 --> 00:00:47,100
Dressed like that? Shh.
10
00:00:47,140 --> 00:00:50,140
Jackie, are you sure that I look
all right?
11
00:00:50,180 --> 00:00:51,860
Yes, Mum. You look lovely.
12
00:00:51,900 --> 00:00:54,060
Like an old prostitute.
13
00:00:54,100 --> 00:00:56,220
I hope there's nice men there.
14
00:00:56,260 --> 00:00:59,420
God.
15
00:00:59,460 --> 00:01:01,500
Well, bye, Mum.
16
00:01:01,540 --> 00:01:03,780
Topless massage starts at �60.
17
00:01:03,820 --> 00:01:04,820
Bye-bye.
18
00:01:04,860 --> 00:01:06,500
Oh, Mum, have you got your phone?
19
00:01:06,540 --> 00:01:10,540
Yes, and my rape alarm.
20
00:01:12,100 --> 00:01:13,540
At least she's prepared.
21
00:01:13,580 --> 00:01:14,860
Please change the subject.
22
00:01:14,900 --> 00:01:16,460
Johnny's hair? Thank you.
23
00:01:16,500 --> 00:01:18,260
Hello, bambinos.
BOTH: Hi, Dad.
24
00:01:18,300 --> 00:01:19,780
Oi, turn the light on.!
25
00:01:19,820 --> 00:01:21,580
What style did you ask for?
26
00:01:21,620 --> 00:01:24,300
I believe they call it "tosser".
27
00:01:24,340 --> 00:01:25,380
Don't touch it.
28
00:01:25,420 --> 00:01:29,420
Turn the shitting light on!
29
00:01:33,540 --> 00:01:35,460
And "hair" we go.
30
00:01:35,500 --> 00:01:36,980
Piss-face? Huh?
31
00:01:37,020 --> 00:01:38,780
What are you...?
32
00:01:38,820 --> 00:01:40,020
Wait, the...
33
00:01:40,060 --> 00:01:41,900
table's set for five.
34
00:01:41,940 --> 00:01:42,940
Oh, yeah.
35
00:01:42,980 --> 00:01:45,220
Oh, don't tell me there's
a bloody guest.
36
00:01:45,260 --> 00:01:46,460
Yes, there's a bloody guest.
37
00:01:46,500 --> 00:01:47,660
BOTH: Mum!
What?
38
00:01:47,700 --> 00:01:49,700
Well, that means we have to
talk to someone else!
39
00:01:49,740 --> 00:01:52,060
Why didn't you tell us we'd have to
talk to someone else?
40
00:01:52,100 --> 00:01:55,326
Because if I'd told you you'd have to
talk to someone else, you wouldn't come.
41
00:01:55,406 --> 00:01:56,100
Correct. Farewell.
42
00:01:56,220 --> 00:01:57,059
Stupid gits.
Sorry?
43
00:01:57,139 --> 00:01:59,740
Well, thanks to you, my bloody
hearing aid went down the toilet.
44
00:01:59,780 --> 00:02:00,900
Dad! Martin!
45
00:02:00,940 --> 00:02:02,500
Horrible haircut. Thank you.
46
00:02:02,540 --> 00:02:04,460
Why is Dad dressed like Oscar Wilde?
47
00:02:04,500 --> 00:02:05,660
You've noticed, have you?
48
00:02:05,700 --> 00:02:06,980
I want to make an impression.
49
00:02:07,020 --> 00:02:08,580
A terrible impression?
50
00:02:08,620 --> 00:02:09,660
Impression for who?
51
00:02:09,700 --> 00:02:11,180
Dad's friend's coming.
52
00:02:11,220 --> 00:02:12,980
BOTH: Dad's friend?
53
00:02:13,020 --> 00:02:14,460
What do you mean "Dad's friend"?
54
00:02:14,500 --> 00:02:15,620
Dad doesn't have friends.
55
00:02:15,660 --> 00:02:18,140
That's a horrible thing to say.
Yes, I do.
56
00:02:18,180 --> 00:02:21,580
We're not being nasty, but Mum has
friends. You don't have friends.
57
00:02:21,620 --> 00:02:23,820
Yeah, Dad. Rubbish.
I have friends.
58
00:02:23,860 --> 00:02:26,540
All right, name one.
59
00:02:26,580 --> 00:02:27,820
What about dead Neil?
60
00:02:27,860 --> 00:02:29,340
How about living friends.
61
00:02:29,380 --> 00:02:31,740
You know, ones that haven't
had funerals?
62
00:02:31,780 --> 00:02:33,540
OK, the one that's coming
tonight, then.
63
00:02:33,580 --> 00:02:34,580
And his name is?
64
00:02:34,620 --> 00:02:36,180
Bet he doesn't remember.
65
00:02:36,220 --> 00:02:37,740
What was the name of my
friend again?
66
00:02:37,780 --> 00:02:38,980
See? Tony.
67
00:02:39,020 --> 00:02:40,820
Tony, that's it. My friend's
called Tony.
68
00:02:40,860 --> 00:02:42,420
You sound very close.
69
00:02:42,460 --> 00:02:43,460
Inseparable.
70
00:02:43,500 --> 00:02:44,980
We were in digs together.
71
00:02:45,020 --> 00:02:46,260
And in English?
72
00:02:46,300 --> 00:02:48,180
They shared a flat at university.
73
00:02:48,220 --> 00:02:49,580
University.
74
00:02:49,620 --> 00:02:50,940
That's flour you're eating.
75
00:02:50,980 --> 00:02:53,620
I know. And you've got it all over
Val's watch!
76
00:02:53,660 --> 00:02:54,780
Oh, bloody Val.
77
00:02:54,820 --> 00:02:56,460
Just got it mended for her!
78
00:02:56,500 --> 00:02:57,740
Should get her mended.
79
00:02:57,780 --> 00:02:59,220
Ow!
80
00:02:59,260 --> 00:03:01,620
I'll be in the hall, hanging myself.
81
00:03:01,660 --> 00:03:04,940
So how come you never mentioned this
Tony fellow before?
82
00:03:04,980 --> 00:03:07,229
What are you talking about,
"never mentioned him"?
83
00:03:07,309 --> 00:03:08,500
He was one of the two Tonys.
84
00:03:08,540 --> 00:03:09,980
The two Tonys?
85
00:03:10,020 --> 00:03:11,100
Yeah.
86
00:03:11,140 --> 00:03:12,540
Sorry. The two Tonys?
87
00:03:12,580 --> 00:03:14,820
You know? The two Tonys.
88
00:03:14,860 --> 00:03:17,340
When I was at Leeds, I lived with
two boys called Tony.
89
00:03:17,380 --> 00:03:19,020
Boys. All right, males.
90
00:03:19,060 --> 00:03:20,060
Males.
91
00:03:20,100 --> 00:03:22,860
Tony Sampson and Tony
Michaels, who's coming tonight.
92
00:03:22,900 --> 00:03:23,900
Terrific chap.
93
00:03:23,940 --> 00:03:24,940
Terrific male.
94
00:03:24,980 --> 00:03:27,460
You know, he could impersonate the
sound of any car engine?
95
00:03:27,500 --> 00:03:28,660
That's useful.
96
00:03:28,700 --> 00:03:29,700
And the other Tony?
97
00:03:29,740 --> 00:03:31,340
Oh, he was a right tit.
98
00:03:31,380 --> 00:03:33,380
Told crap jokes and
blinked too slowly.
99
00:03:33,420 --> 00:03:35,260
Blinked too slowly? So annoying.
100
00:03:35,300 --> 00:03:36,340
How is that annoying?
101
00:03:36,380 --> 00:03:38,660
Well, cos he talked like this the
whole bleeding time.
102
00:03:38,700 --> 00:03:39,900
Oh, yeah. That is annoying.
103
00:03:39,940 --> 00:03:42,540
But Tony Michaels, you give him any
engine...
104
00:03:42,580 --> 00:03:45,300
Well, apart from Italian cars.
Could never do Italian cars.
105
00:03:45,340 --> 00:03:46,420
We'll bear that in mind.
106
00:03:46,460 --> 00:03:48,060
Haven't seen him for 30 years.
107
00:03:48,100 --> 00:03:49,620
Got in touch via the computer.
108
00:03:49,660 --> 00:03:52,900
Also known as e-mail.
109
00:03:52,940 --> 00:03:54,340
I do hope we still get on.
110
00:03:54,380 --> 00:03:55,660
Of course you'll still get on.
111
00:03:55,700 --> 00:03:58,580
I'm suddenly all nervous.
112
00:03:58,620 --> 00:04:00,820
Don't be so soppy.
113
00:04:00,860 --> 00:04:02,460
Thanks, love.
114
00:04:02,500 --> 00:04:04,340
Oh, my God! It's Tony!
115
00:04:04,380 --> 00:04:05,580
It's Tony at the door!
116
00:04:05,620 --> 00:04:06,620
Tony's here!
117
00:04:06,660 --> 00:04:08,300
It's OK, Martin. Calm down!
118
00:04:08,340 --> 00:04:09,700
Yeah, calm down.
119
00:04:09,740 --> 00:04:12,180
Calm down.
120
00:04:12,220 --> 00:04:14,820
Calm down.
121
00:04:14,860 --> 00:04:17,580
DOORBELL
122
00:04:17,620 --> 00:04:18,620
Well, open it.
123
00:04:18,660 --> 00:04:20,180
I don't look too old,
do I?
124
00:04:20,220 --> 00:04:22,860
For what?
Intercourse with the man?
125
00:04:22,900 --> 00:04:26,180
Oh...
126
00:04:26,220 --> 00:04:30,220
Martin Goodman, as I live
and breathe!
127
00:04:32,540 --> 00:04:36,540
Shall I come in, or are you closed
on Fridays?
128
00:04:41,740 --> 00:04:43,780
Sorry, won't be a moment, Tony.
129
00:04:43,820 --> 00:04:45,180
You just take a seat.
130
00:04:45,220 --> 00:04:49,220
Why, don't you want it?
131
00:04:49,260 --> 00:04:51,380
Do help yourself to a nut.
132
00:04:51,420 --> 00:04:55,420
I'm nutty about nuts.
133
00:04:56,780 --> 00:04:59,140
Please tell me you haven't done what
I think you've done.
134
00:04:59,180 --> 00:05:00,180
It's the wrong Tony.
135
00:05:00,220 --> 00:05:01,580
Oh, Martin!
136
00:05:01,620 --> 00:05:03,700
The wrong Tony? The wrong Tony?
137
00:05:03,740 --> 00:05:05,060
Why are you such a...
138
00:05:05,100 --> 00:05:07,860
What am I going to do? That's bloody
Tony Michaels.
139
00:05:07,900 --> 00:05:09,500
You said you liked Tony Michaels.
140
00:05:09,540 --> 00:05:11,860
No, I thought he was Tony Sampson.
141
00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:14,260
I must have got their shitting
surnames mixed up.
142
00:05:14,300 --> 00:05:16,660
What?
Tony Michaels got in touch.
143
00:05:16,700 --> 00:05:18,211
I thought he was the one I liked
144
00:05:18,291 --> 00:05:20,700
and Tony Sampson was the
one I didn't like... Right.
145
00:05:20,820 --> 00:05:24,020
..but it was Tony Michaels I didn't
like and Tony Sampson I did like.
146
00:05:24,060 --> 00:05:25,860
You forgot who you liked?
147
00:05:25,900 --> 00:05:26,900
Yes.
148
00:05:26,940 --> 00:05:28,620
So, you invited the one you
didn't like?
149
00:05:28,660 --> 00:05:30,660
Yes, that's bloody blink face,
isn't it?
150
00:05:30,700 --> 00:05:34,500
So, I've just spent all day making
dinner for a man you can't stand?
151
00:05:34,540 --> 00:05:35,580
Toilet?
152
00:05:35,620 --> 00:05:37,340
Oh, you are such a
bleeding idiot!
153
00:05:37,380 --> 00:05:39,820
You really are.
Well, don't blame me.
154
00:05:39,860 --> 00:05:41,780
Blame my brain.
155
00:05:41,820 --> 00:05:42,940
So what are we going to do?
156
00:05:42,980 --> 00:05:44,420
We? We're off. See ya!
157
00:05:44,460 --> 00:05:47,180
You are not going anywhere. You are
going to stay here and see this
158
00:05:47,220 --> 00:05:49,820
terrible, awful, terrible
night through.
159
00:05:49,860 --> 00:05:50,980
BOTH: But, Mum!
160
00:05:51,020 --> 00:05:53,460
Maybe we could say
there's been a mix-up or something.
161
00:05:53,500 --> 00:05:55,500
Good idea. "Sorry, you're not
the right Tony.
162
00:05:55,540 --> 00:05:56,980
"You're the Tony our dad hates."
163
00:05:57,020 --> 00:05:58,860
Yes. We'll do that.
164
00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,860
TONY: Anyone still alive?
165
00:06:00,900 --> 00:06:02,860
JACKIE: Coming!
166
00:06:02,900 --> 00:06:05,260
OK, we'll just have to go out there
and be...
167
00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:06,500
..pleasant. Pleasant?
168
00:06:06,540 --> 00:06:10,460
Come on!
169
00:06:10,500 --> 00:06:13,060
And I wanted the man who did
the engines.
170
00:06:13,100 --> 00:06:16,140
I thought you were all trying
to escape!
171
00:06:16,180 --> 00:06:18,220
No, just doing your flowers.
172
00:06:18,260 --> 00:06:19,580
Doing my flowers?
173
00:06:19,620 --> 00:06:21,940
Ooh, sounds painful.
174
00:06:21,980 --> 00:06:25,140
Once again, lovely to see you, Tony.
175
00:06:25,180 --> 00:06:27,500
And does that mean I go now?
176
00:06:27,540 --> 00:06:28,860
JONNY: Please?
177
00:06:28,900 --> 00:06:30,780
Martin, why don't you sit down?
What?
178
00:06:30,820 --> 00:06:32,660
Yes. Next to your friend.
179
00:06:32,700 --> 00:06:35,140
Yeah. Your friend.
180
00:06:35,180 --> 00:06:37,260
Ah.
181
00:06:37,300 --> 00:06:41,300
So... Sew, as the dressmaker said
to the bishop.
182
00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:43,340
You sure I can't take your bag?
183
00:06:43,380 --> 00:06:46,940
Er, no, thank you, Jackie. I need
somewhere to keep me gum.
184
00:06:46,980 --> 00:06:50,340
JONNY: Tony, did you know our dad's
been talking about you all week?
185
00:06:50,380 --> 00:06:52,940
TONY: Nothing that'll get me
arrested, I hope!
186
00:06:52,980 --> 00:06:54,940
It's been pretty much nonstop,
hasn't it, Mum?
187
00:06:54,980 --> 00:06:57,740
Oh, yes. Nonstop.
188
00:06:57,780 --> 00:07:00,500
Oh, it's really
smashing to see you again, mate.
189
00:07:00,540 --> 00:07:02,620
After all these years.
190
00:07:02,660 --> 00:07:06,580
And, now, here you are! Your lovely
house with your lovely wife
191
00:07:06,620 --> 00:07:07,820
and your two sons.
192
00:07:07,860 --> 00:07:11,860
I tell you, someone left university,
got straight down to bedroom business.
193
00:07:12,420 --> 00:07:14,500
Leeds University.
194
00:07:14,540 --> 00:07:15,620
Yeah.
195
00:07:15,660 --> 00:07:19,380
Jackie, do you mind if I use
your little girls' room?
196
00:07:19,420 --> 00:07:21,460
What? Oh, of course.
197
00:07:21,500 --> 00:07:23,780
It's just out there, on the right.
198
00:07:23,820 --> 00:07:25,420
Thank you.
199
00:07:25,460 --> 00:07:29,460
Don't miss me too much.
200
00:07:29,980 --> 00:07:33,300
Tit. Tit.
201
00:07:33,340 --> 00:07:34,780
OK, will you please stop it?
202
00:07:34,820 --> 00:07:35,860
Stop what?
203
00:07:35,900 --> 00:07:37,340
What are you talking about?
204
00:07:37,380 --> 00:07:39,460
This is a shitting nightmare!
205
00:07:39,500 --> 00:07:40,780
Not for us, it's not. Nope.
206
00:07:40,820 --> 00:07:42,460
It's like a beautiful dream.
207
00:07:42,500 --> 00:07:44,900
I can't have bloody tortoise blink
in my house.
208
00:07:44,940 --> 00:07:46,020
I've got to get rid of him.
209
00:07:46,060 --> 00:07:48,100
He seems...all right.
210
00:07:48,140 --> 00:07:49,900
He seems all wrong.
211
00:07:49,940 --> 00:07:51,980
Jackie, I don't like him, OK?
212
00:07:52,020 --> 00:07:54,100
No-one liked him.
Why not?
213
00:07:54,140 --> 00:07:55,860
I don't know. It was a long time
ago.
214
00:07:55,900 --> 00:07:57,700
People used to say things about
him.
215
00:07:57,740 --> 00:07:58,820
What things?
216
00:07:58,860 --> 00:08:00,260
I can't remember, can I?
217
00:08:00,300 --> 00:08:01,460
He wasn't like a...
218
00:08:01,500 --> 00:08:03,340
paedophile or something?
219
00:08:03,380 --> 00:08:05,060
Of course he wasn't a paedophile.
220
00:08:05,100 --> 00:08:06,380
A Nazi? Jonny!
221
00:08:06,420 --> 00:08:08,020
A Nazi paedophile?
222
00:08:08,060 --> 00:08:09,060
DOORBELL
223
00:08:09,100 --> 00:08:10,420
That'll be Val for her watch.
224
00:08:10,460 --> 00:08:11,500
Go on, boys.
225
00:08:11,540 --> 00:08:15,540
Great night.
226
00:08:17,980 --> 00:08:19,700
Hello, boys.
227
00:08:19,740 --> 00:08:20,820
Hi, Jim.
228
00:08:20,860 --> 00:08:22,500
Is your mother in?
229
00:08:22,540 --> 00:08:24,620
She's a bit busy at the moment.
230
00:08:24,660 --> 00:08:26,780
It is an emergency situation.
231
00:08:26,820 --> 00:08:30,620
Is it?
232
00:08:30,660 --> 00:08:32,700
Mum!
233
00:08:32,740 --> 00:08:34,300
Hi, Val.
234
00:08:34,340 --> 00:08:35,500
Val?
235
00:08:35,540 --> 00:08:36,940
Oh, hello, Jim.
236
00:08:36,980 --> 00:08:38,820
It's an emergency situation.
237
00:08:38,860 --> 00:08:40,020
Everything all right, Jim?
238
00:08:40,060 --> 00:08:41,980
Not really, Jackie.
239
00:08:42,020 --> 00:08:43,900
My oven's broken.
240
00:08:43,940 --> 00:08:46,380
Right. Wilson...
241
00:08:46,420 --> 00:08:48,500
ate the knobs.
242
00:08:48,540 --> 00:08:50,980
Oh, dear. So...
243
00:08:51,020 --> 00:08:55,020
Would you mind cooking this little
bit of fish for me?
244
00:08:56,740 --> 00:08:58,860
Little? Really, Jim?
245
00:08:58,900 --> 00:09:02,100
Yes. If we don't cook it tonight,
Jackie, it'll go all bad,
246
00:09:02,140 --> 00:09:06,140
and then it'll get infested
with weevils.
247
00:09:06,300 --> 00:09:09,060
Weevils?
248
00:09:09,100 --> 00:09:10,580
OK. How do you like it?
249
00:09:10,620 --> 00:09:12,620
Normal. Just sugar and butter.
250
00:09:12,660 --> 00:09:14,740
TONY: Ooh!
251
00:09:14,780 --> 00:09:17,060
Do I smell something fishy?
252
00:09:17,100 --> 00:09:19,620
Hello again. Jim, this is Tony.
253
00:09:19,660 --> 00:09:23,660
He's an old friend of...
Psst!
254
00:09:23,900 --> 00:09:25,540
One second, Tony.
255
00:09:25,580 --> 00:09:27,900
Yes, one second, Tony.
256
00:09:27,940 --> 00:09:29,780
Not you.
257
00:09:29,820 --> 00:09:31,940
TONY: Ooh, a horse!
258
00:09:31,980 --> 00:09:34,420
Jackie! Great, so now I'm cooking
a whale.
259
00:09:34,460 --> 00:09:37,540
With sugar and butter. Normal.
260
00:09:37,580 --> 00:09:39,300
Jackie! What do you want?
261
00:09:39,340 --> 00:09:40,820
I've got an idea.
262
00:09:40,860 --> 00:09:44,140
About what? What do you mean about what?
About how to get rid of pillock face.
263
00:09:44,180 --> 00:09:47,340
What are you going to do? Pretend to
have a stroke or something?
264
00:09:47,380 --> 00:09:48,820
How did you know?
265
00:09:48,860 --> 00:09:49,980
Martin!
266
00:09:50,020 --> 00:09:52,180
You are not going to pretend to have
a bloody stroke!
267
00:09:52,220 --> 00:09:54,940
Found you!
268
00:09:54,980 --> 00:09:56,500
Oh, what a lovely dog.
269
00:09:56,540 --> 00:10:00,540
I've just had him with chips.
270
00:10:00,620 --> 00:10:02,660
Tony, erm...
271
00:10:02,700 --> 00:10:05,540
I'm really sorry, but...
272
00:10:05,580 --> 00:10:07,820
Something terrible's just happened.
273
00:10:07,860 --> 00:10:11,860
Don't tell me the Pope's had
twins again?
274
00:10:13,420 --> 00:10:15,620
Oh. Well, what's happened?
275
00:10:15,660 --> 00:10:19,660
We've just had a phone call...
276
00:10:21,540 --> 00:10:25,540
Jackie's mother's died.
277
00:10:26,020 --> 00:10:28,300
My God.
278
00:10:28,340 --> 00:10:30,900
She's completely dead.
279
00:10:32,540 --> 00:10:35,220
I really am so, so sorry.
280
00:10:35,260 --> 00:10:36,900
Oh, that's OK, Tony.
281
00:10:36,940 --> 00:10:40,700
Yeah, that's OK, Tony.
282
00:10:40,740 --> 00:10:43,100
It's so awful for you, Jackie.
283
00:10:43,140 --> 00:10:46,300
How did she die?
284
00:10:46,340 --> 00:10:49,940
Tell him, Dad. Go on.
285
00:10:49,980 --> 00:10:51,540
She...
286
00:10:51,580 --> 00:10:54,980
fell. She fell?
287
00:10:55,020 --> 00:10:58,060
Oh, dear.
Down seven flights of stairs.
288
00:10:58,100 --> 00:11:02,100
HE CHUCKLES
289
00:11:02,580 --> 00:11:06,260
She had seven flights of stairs
in her house?
290
00:11:06,300 --> 00:11:07,980
It was...
291
00:11:08,020 --> 00:11:10,140
a big house. Very big house.
292
00:11:10,180 --> 00:11:12,820
In Florida. Florida's so far away.
293
00:11:12,860 --> 00:11:15,100
I know.
294
00:11:15,140 --> 00:11:17,580
I just don't know what to say.
295
00:11:17,620 --> 00:11:20,700
Well, I suppose you'll probably be
wanting to get off now, Tony.
296
00:11:20,740 --> 00:11:22,220
What, and leave you here like this?
297
00:11:22,260 --> 00:11:24,420
Yeah, but... If it's any
consolation, Jackie,
298
00:11:24,460 --> 00:11:27,940
I lost my mother some
months ago, and...
299
00:11:27,980 --> 00:11:31,980
my God, do I miss her every second
of every day!
300
00:11:36,380 --> 00:11:39,420
Argh!
SHE MOUTHS
301
00:11:39,460 --> 00:11:40,740
Come now, Tony.
302
00:11:40,780 --> 00:11:42,900
It's OK, it's OK.
303
00:11:42,940 --> 00:11:45,700
No, I've got to be strong tonight.
304
00:11:45,740 --> 00:11:49,140
I've got to be here for you.
305
00:11:49,180 --> 00:11:51,780
All of you.
306
00:11:51,820 --> 00:11:53,620
Thank you, Tony.
307
00:11:53,660 --> 00:11:57,660
I'll pop the kettle on.
308
00:12:02,940 --> 00:12:04,700
Good one, Dad. Great work.
309
00:12:04,740 --> 00:12:06,740
My mother died?
310
00:12:06,780 --> 00:12:08,860
Hmm? How could you say
my mother died?
311
00:12:08,900 --> 00:12:10,700
Well, I had to say something,
didn't I?
312
00:12:10,740 --> 00:12:13,100
No, you didn't. Why didn't you say
your mother died?
313
00:12:13,140 --> 00:12:16,380
Because my mother's already dead.
314
00:12:16,420 --> 00:12:17,780
Oh, no, she's still living.
315
00:12:17,820 --> 00:12:19,460
I forget. Seven flights of stairs?
316
00:12:19,500 --> 00:12:21,420
What about it?
She lives in a bungalow!
317
00:12:21,460 --> 00:12:23,060
All right, so I said
the wrong thing.
318
00:12:23,100 --> 00:12:24,460
The wrong thing?!
319
00:12:24,500 --> 00:12:27,980
Now we'll have to spend the whole
bloody night "grieving"!
320
00:12:28,020 --> 00:12:29,580
Look, I'm sorry, OK?
321
00:12:29,620 --> 00:12:32,660
My brain must have... Will you stop
blaming your bloody brain?
322
00:12:32,700 --> 00:12:34,460
All right, I'll sort it out.
323
00:12:34,500 --> 00:12:36,460
God! I'll just say...
324
00:12:36,500 --> 00:12:40,500
Martin, do not say another bloody...
325
00:12:42,740 --> 00:12:44,500
Won't be long.
326
00:12:44,540 --> 00:12:46,380
Just brewing.
327
00:12:46,420 --> 00:12:48,900
Thank you.
328
00:12:48,940 --> 00:12:52,940
Actually, Tony, it wasn't
seven flights of stairs.
329
00:12:54,500 --> 00:12:58,500
It was six.
330
00:13:02,540 --> 00:13:03,940
Nonsense, Jackie.
331
00:13:03,980 --> 00:13:07,980
What you need, what you all need,
is a good hot meal.
332
00:13:08,540 --> 00:13:10,940
I am only too happy to help.
333
00:13:10,980 --> 00:13:12,780
Thank you. Yeah.
334
00:13:12,820 --> 00:13:15,260
Sorry, Martin, mate.
335
00:13:15,300 --> 00:13:19,300
Yes, I was just saying they're
flying the body over tomorrow
336
00:13:19,540 --> 00:13:23,540
and then we have to collect it
from the military airport.
337
00:13:24,860 --> 00:13:26,860
Military airport? No.
338
00:13:26,900 --> 00:13:30,100
Normal airport. I think we need some
more vegetables.
339
00:13:30,140 --> 00:13:31,780
Oh, no, no, no.
340
00:13:31,820 --> 00:13:35,820
I'll do it. Reporting
for vegetable service, ma'am.
341
00:13:38,900 --> 00:13:40,420
Definitely getting tittier.
342
00:13:40,460 --> 00:13:43,900
DOORBELL RINGS
I'll get it. Oh, God, who's that?
343
00:13:43,940 --> 00:13:45,860
Hopefully a man with a machete.
344
00:13:45,900 --> 00:13:47,500
Hello, all!
345
00:13:47,540 --> 00:13:48,980
Oh, Jim. Oh, shit.
346
00:13:49,020 --> 00:13:51,100
And I haven't cooked
his bloody fish.
347
00:13:51,140 --> 00:13:54,700
Shame. That would have
solved everything.
348
00:13:54,740 --> 00:13:56,820
Martin, do you have to eat
like a pig?
349
00:13:56,860 --> 00:14:00,860
Jackie, the quicker we eat,
the quicker he'll go.
350
00:14:06,420 --> 00:14:07,540
It's your neighbour.
351
00:14:07,580 --> 00:14:09,220
Friend.
352
00:14:09,260 --> 00:14:13,260
Hi, Jim. Jackie, I've only just
heard your terrible news.
353
00:14:13,580 --> 00:14:17,580
Have you? Wilson and I send our
deepest, deepest commiserations.
354
00:14:19,580 --> 00:14:21,260
Don't we, Wilson? Thanks, Jim.
355
00:14:21,300 --> 00:14:25,300
If it makes you feel any better,
my father also fell to his death.
356
00:14:26,020 --> 00:14:27,340
What? Oh, God.
357
00:14:27,380 --> 00:14:30,340
I'm sorry. Fell from a towel.
358
00:14:30,380 --> 00:14:32,060
A towel?
359
00:14:32,100 --> 00:14:35,820
No, not towel, tower.
360
00:14:35,860 --> 00:14:39,860
He fell from a tower?
361
00:14:40,900 --> 00:14:42,780
What was he doing up a tower?
362
00:14:42,820 --> 00:14:46,820
Not much. Mostly just
falling off it.
363
00:14:46,900 --> 00:14:49,940
Right. I still have his watch.
364
00:14:49,980 --> 00:14:53,980
Have you? Oh, that's...
365
00:14:55,980 --> 00:14:58,700
..nice.
366
00:14:58,740 --> 00:15:01,380
I think that now maybe's
not the best time...
367
00:15:01,420 --> 00:15:03,860
Yeah, cos of...
368
00:15:03,900 --> 00:15:07,300
You know. Your mother who
plummeted to her death?
369
00:15:07,340 --> 00:15:11,340
Yes, Jim. I understand.
370
00:15:12,220 --> 00:15:14,220
Come on, Wilson.
371
00:15:14,260 --> 00:15:18,260
Oh, Jackie, did you by any chance
manage to cook my little fishy?
372
00:15:18,660 --> 00:15:20,300
Little fishy?
373
00:15:20,340 --> 00:15:22,620
Not yet. Of course.
374
00:15:22,660 --> 00:15:25,540
It's just that, you know...
375
00:15:25,580 --> 00:15:28,340
The weevils. The weevils.
376
00:15:28,380 --> 00:15:32,060
Come on, Wilson.
377
00:15:32,100 --> 00:15:33,540
Come on.
378
00:15:33,580 --> 00:15:36,300
I'm telling you now, Martin,
I can't take much more of this.
379
00:15:36,340 --> 00:15:38,060
Oh, I can. Me too.
380
00:15:38,100 --> 00:15:39,540
Much more.
381
00:15:39,580 --> 00:15:41,140
What a nice chap.
382
00:15:41,180 --> 00:15:43,980
Very. Actually, if you
don't mind, Jackie,
383
00:15:44,020 --> 00:15:48,020
I've been thinking perhaps I could
say a little prayer for your mother,
384
00:15:49,300 --> 00:15:51,020
if that's all right.
385
00:15:51,060 --> 00:15:54,420
Erm... Thank you.
386
00:15:54,460 --> 00:15:58,460
Oh, God, who art in heaven...
387
00:15:58,860 --> 00:16:02,220
..please have mercy upon
the soul of...
388
00:16:02,260 --> 00:16:04,900
Sorry, Jackie, what was your
mother's name?
389
00:16:04,940 --> 00:16:08,940
Nellie Buller. What a lovely name.
390
00:16:10,020 --> 00:16:12,180
Nellie Buller. May you guide her,
391
00:16:12,220 --> 00:16:14,820
may you look over her
392
00:16:14,860 --> 00:16:17,580
and may you comfort all those
who knew her...
393
00:16:17,620 --> 00:16:19,740
Oh!
394
00:16:19,780 --> 00:16:23,780
God!
395
00:16:30,460 --> 00:16:34,460
# Oh, Lord, we thank you for the
life of our beautiful grandmother
396
00:16:38,620 --> 00:16:41,460
# She was such a kind lady
397
00:16:41,500 --> 00:16:44,700
# And we loved her so much
398
00:16:44,740 --> 00:16:48,700
# She was so wonderful
399
00:16:48,740 --> 00:16:51,660
? And tender too. ?
400
00:16:51,700 --> 00:16:53,140
Come on!
401
00:16:53,180 --> 00:16:57,180
I'm sorry. Jackie...
402
00:16:57,820 --> 00:17:01,820
Well, finish the song.
403
00:17:08,220 --> 00:17:12,220
It's just all too much -
the sympathy, the prayers.
404
00:17:12,660 --> 00:17:14,100
It's like she really died.
405
00:17:14,140 --> 00:17:16,660
I know, love, I know.
406
00:17:16,700 --> 00:17:18,260
I'm very emotional right now.
407
00:17:18,300 --> 00:17:20,460
I understand, Jackie.
408
00:17:20,500 --> 00:17:24,500
It's an emotional time for anyone,
the death of a parent.
409
00:17:26,980 --> 00:17:29,740
Martin, you do know my mother
hasn't actually died?
410
00:17:29,780 --> 00:17:30,980
Yeah, of course I do.
411
00:17:31,020 --> 00:17:33,020
But if you could just keep
this thing going
412
00:17:33,060 --> 00:17:36,300
just a tiny bit longer, then...
What?
413
00:17:36,340 --> 00:17:38,060
Auntie Val's here. Really?
414
00:17:38,100 --> 00:17:39,620
Oh, bloody Val.
415
00:17:39,660 --> 00:17:42,860
You didn't say anything about
Grandma, did you? No.
416
00:17:42,900 --> 00:17:44,420
But Dad's non-friend did.
417
00:17:44,460 --> 00:17:47,220
Great. And now she's crying.
418
00:17:47,260 --> 00:17:49,340
I can't believe it.
419
00:17:49,380 --> 00:17:51,900
I only saw her last week.
She seemed fine.
420
00:17:51,940 --> 00:17:54,780
Oh, Jackie...
421
00:17:54,820 --> 00:17:57,260
I'm so sorry.
422
00:17:57,300 --> 00:17:58,980
It's OK, love.
423
00:17:59,020 --> 00:18:01,260
Seven flights of stairs.
424
00:18:01,300 --> 00:18:02,460
Actually, it was six.
425
00:18:02,500 --> 00:18:03,820
HE CHUCKLES
426
00:18:03,860 --> 00:18:05,380
Why is he laughing?
427
00:18:05,420 --> 00:18:07,780
Nerves. Nerves. Maybe we should...
428
00:18:07,820 --> 00:18:11,620
Of course, love, of course.
429
00:18:11,660 --> 00:18:14,740
Wait! I thought your mother
lived in a bungalow.
430
00:18:14,780 --> 00:18:16,940
She moved. Well, when did she move?
431
00:18:16,980 --> 00:18:19,700
Why don't you guys just have
a sit down?
432
00:18:19,740 --> 00:18:22,260
Time to reflect and all that.
433
00:18:22,300 --> 00:18:24,100
I'll just finish clearing up.
434
00:18:24,140 --> 00:18:28,140
Really? Oh, absolution...
said the bishop to the priest.
435
00:18:29,340 --> 00:18:32,060
He may be a tit but he's a helpful
tit. Very helpful tit.
436
00:18:32,100 --> 00:18:34,900
Your mother's really not very happy
with me at the moment.
437
00:18:34,940 --> 00:18:36,260
I wonder why.
438
00:18:36,300 --> 00:18:39,460
Because I told the man
her mother died, you moron!
439
00:18:39,500 --> 00:18:42,340
God, Adam! Maybe I should have just
said she was paralysed.
440
00:18:42,380 --> 00:18:45,300
Oh, yeah, that would be much better.
Or, lost an arm, or something.
441
00:18:45,340 --> 00:18:47,780
What a nice thought.
442
00:18:47,820 --> 00:18:49,900
Hello, boys.
443
00:18:49,940 --> 00:18:51,700
Hi, Auntie Val. Hi, Auntie Val.
444
00:18:51,740 --> 00:18:54,140
Would you like
another tissue, Valerie?
445
00:18:54,180 --> 00:18:56,900
You do know Jackie
is in bits up there?
446
00:18:56,940 --> 00:18:58,820
Sorry to disturb you.
447
00:18:58,860 --> 00:19:02,860
I was just thinking that
maybe it's best if I go, now.
448
00:19:03,260 --> 00:19:05,020
Well, goodbye, Tony.
449
00:19:05,060 --> 00:19:07,220
Thanks so much for coming.
450
00:19:07,260 --> 00:19:09,180
What's going on? Tony's going.
451
00:19:09,220 --> 00:19:12,500
Really? Yeah, Jackie,
I think it's best. It's best.
452
00:19:12,540 --> 00:19:14,540
Martin! Oh, such a shame.
453
00:19:14,580 --> 00:19:16,780
Are you sure you won't
stay a bit longer?
454
00:19:16,820 --> 00:19:18,500
Thanks, but... Or a lot longer?
455
00:19:18,540 --> 00:19:22,500
Tony's very tired. Well, thank you
so much, Tony, for everything.
456
00:19:22,540 --> 00:19:24,020
No, no, don't thank me.
457
00:19:24,060 --> 00:19:26,820
Thank my psychiatrist.
458
00:19:26,860 --> 00:19:28,580
And don't forget your precious bag.
459
00:19:28,620 --> 00:19:31,180
Oh, oh, yes, yeah.
460
00:19:31,220 --> 00:19:33,380
And my precious gun.
461
00:19:33,420 --> 00:19:34,860
Hey!
462
00:19:34,900 --> 00:19:37,100
No, seriously, I'm just so sorry
that it's been
463
00:19:37,140 --> 00:19:39,540
such a tough night for all
of you. Thanks, Tony.
464
00:19:39,580 --> 00:19:42,340
And goodbye, me old mate.
465
00:19:42,380 --> 00:19:44,700
Oh, hello!
466
00:19:44,740 --> 00:19:46,780
I was just about to ring the bell.
467
00:19:46,820 --> 00:19:50,300
I've had such a lovely evening.
468
00:19:50,340 --> 00:19:53,940
A man said I had beautiful skin.
469
00:19:53,980 --> 00:19:55,420
Oh, hello.
470
00:19:55,460 --> 00:19:57,180
I don't think I know you.
471
00:19:57,220 --> 00:19:58,940
I'm Tony, Tony Michaels.
472
00:19:58,980 --> 00:20:00,980
Oh, nice to meet you, Tony.
473
00:20:01,020 --> 00:20:02,740
I'm... Mrs Whittaker.
474
00:20:02,780 --> 00:20:05,420
Sorry? Mrs Whittaker.
This is Mrs Whittaker.
475
00:20:05,460 --> 00:20:07,340
Well, hello there, Mrs Whittaker.
476
00:20:07,380 --> 00:20:08,860
She lives down the road, don't you?
477
00:20:08,900 --> 00:20:10,660
The road? Right, well, Tony...
478
00:20:10,700 --> 00:20:11,820
I'm Mrs Whittaker?
479
00:20:11,860 --> 00:20:14,500
BOTH: Yes.
Yes, she forgets things sometimes.
480
00:20:14,540 --> 00:20:16,380
Tony... What's happening?
481
00:20:16,420 --> 00:20:19,700
Erm... It's all right, love.
482
00:20:19,740 --> 00:20:23,220
Jackie's mother sadly
died tonight, so...
483
00:20:23,260 --> 00:20:24,700
Died?
484
00:20:24,740 --> 00:20:26,500
I'm not dead.
485
00:20:26,540 --> 00:20:28,140
Sorry? Okey-dokey.
486
00:20:28,180 --> 00:20:29,620
I'm not dead, am I, Jackie?
487
00:20:29,660 --> 00:20:33,660
No, Mum!
488
00:20:35,860 --> 00:20:37,940
Oh.
489
00:20:37,980 --> 00:20:40,260
Right.
490
00:20:40,300 --> 00:20:41,780
I see.
491
00:20:41,820 --> 00:20:43,420
Yeah.
492
00:20:43,460 --> 00:20:45,700
I get it. Tony... What is going on?
493
00:20:45,740 --> 00:20:47,540
Thanks, Martin. Yeah.
494
00:20:47,580 --> 00:20:49,020
Thank you very much.
495
00:20:49,060 --> 00:20:50,980
Tony, please.
496
00:20:51,020 --> 00:20:55,020
I thought you were my friend.
497
00:21:06,420 --> 00:21:08,500
Oh, well done, Jackie.
498
00:21:08,540 --> 00:21:11,020
I'm sorry? Well, it was all going so
smoothly until...
499
00:21:11,060 --> 00:21:12,540
you opened your mouth.
500
00:21:12,580 --> 00:21:14,260
Smooth... Smoothly?!
501
00:21:14,300 --> 00:21:15,660
I'm getting a drink. Me too.
502
00:21:15,700 --> 00:21:17,100
You're blaming me? Me?
503
00:21:17,140 --> 00:21:18,540
Am I still Mrs Whittaker?
504
00:21:18,580 --> 00:21:21,940
No, Mum!
I can't believe you, Martin!
505
00:21:21,980 --> 00:21:23,380
Erm, Mum? What?
506
00:21:23,420 --> 00:21:25,060
Where are the candlesticks?
507
00:21:25,100 --> 00:21:27,820
What? The candlesticks have gone.
The candlesticks have gone?
508
00:21:27,860 --> 00:21:29,780
What do you mean,
the candlesticks have gone?
509
00:21:29,820 --> 00:21:32,780
They're not there. Oh, I remember
what they used to say about Tony.
510
00:21:32,820 --> 00:21:34,220
How can they be gone?
511
00:21:34,260 --> 00:21:35,300
He was a thief!
512
00:21:35,340 --> 00:21:36,980
What? I'm sorry?
513
00:21:37,020 --> 00:21:38,540
I knew I'd remember!
514
00:21:38,580 --> 00:21:42,060
Is everything all right? Yes, he
used to steal from everyone!
515
00:21:42,100 --> 00:21:43,580
Adam, check the living room.
516
00:21:43,620 --> 00:21:45,700
OK, Mum. Johnny, check the kitchen.
All right.
517
00:21:45,740 --> 00:21:48,260
Val, take my mother through to the
living room, will you?
518
00:21:48,300 --> 00:21:50,100
Sure, love. Come on, Nellie.
519
00:21:50,140 --> 00:21:53,340
And, Martin? You do know
that I will murder you later?
520
00:21:53,380 --> 00:21:54,900
What, my brain!
521
00:21:54,940 --> 00:21:56,580
Mum, he's taken the gold clock.
522
00:21:56,620 --> 00:21:58,580
The gold clock?! Shit on it!
523
00:21:58,620 --> 00:22:00,460
And Auntie's watch. Oh, shit on it!
524
00:22:00,500 --> 00:22:03,100
We tell him my poor mother dies
and this is what he does to us?
525
00:22:03,140 --> 00:22:06,580
DOORBELL RINGS
526
00:22:06,620 --> 00:22:08,340
No, it's a terrible time, Jim.
527
00:22:08,380 --> 00:22:10,660
I just wondered if
you'd cooked my...
528
00:22:10,700 --> 00:22:12,940
The guy who was here
was a thief, OK?
529
00:22:12,980 --> 00:22:14,380
Keep looking, everyone.
530
00:22:14,420 --> 00:22:16,900
Oh, dear. Did he take my fishy?
531
00:22:16,940 --> 00:22:19,020
Oh, pigs' bosoms, my wallet's gone!
532
00:22:19,060 --> 00:22:20,340
And mine! And mine!
533
00:22:20,380 --> 00:22:21,860
Right, I'm calling the police.
534
00:22:21,900 --> 00:22:25,060
So soon after your
mother's horrific death.
535
00:22:25,100 --> 00:22:29,100
Erm, yes.
536
00:22:29,180 --> 00:22:31,540
What's that? Pudding.
537
00:22:31,580 --> 00:22:34,380
Right. Police, please.
538
00:22:34,420 --> 00:22:35,860
Jackie... Not now, Jim.
539
00:22:35,900 --> 00:22:39,260
..I did see the man in his car,
just now.
540
00:22:39,300 --> 00:22:43,300
I'll hold. He'd just broken down
in the road.
541
00:22:43,460 --> 00:22:47,180
What? He's just next door.
542
00:22:47,220 --> 00:22:49,260
Wrong number.
Right, I'm having that.
543
00:22:49,300 --> 00:22:51,780
You're not going to hit him round
the head with it, are you?
544
00:22:51,820 --> 00:22:54,060
No. I'm going to shove it
up his arsehole.
545
00:22:54,100 --> 00:22:55,860
Oh, I'm definitely watching this.
546
00:22:55,900 --> 00:22:58,460
Yes, please. Boys, be careful.
547
00:22:58,500 --> 00:23:02,500
Oh, God! Jackie, wait!
548
00:23:03,540 --> 00:23:06,620
What's going on?
549
00:23:06,660 --> 00:23:10,660
Phantom!
550
00:23:11,180 --> 00:23:12,940
Just get off me!
551
00:23:12,980 --> 00:23:15,500
Shitting, slow-blinking,
thieving bastard!
552
00:23:15,540 --> 00:23:17,420
Get off me! Keep still!
553
00:23:17,460 --> 00:23:19,020
Dad! What are you doing?!
554
00:23:19,060 --> 00:23:20,540
Pass me the pineapple.
555
00:23:20,580 --> 00:23:21,980
Dad! Martin!
556
00:23:22,020 --> 00:23:25,180
HE SCREAMS: Pass me the pineapple!
557
00:23:25,230 --> 00:23:29,780
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