Original subtitles

You all right, Grandma? Thank you, dolly.

Yes, they certainly gave it a good style.

Please keep talking about your hair. Until we die.

I must admit, I do like a curl. I've just died.

To be honest, Andre's so good with his hands,

I let him do whatever he wants to me!

And that's why she's now pregnant. What?

We're home now, Grandma.

Hello?

Oh, hello, bambinos.

165 multiplied by...

Hello, Martin.

67.3...

Twenty... four thousand five hundred and sixty...

Warm welcome.

I think I just swallowed a chest hair.

Hi, Mum!

Hi, boys!

Jon-Jon, have you ever thought of having a perm?

Not really, Grandma.

It's a shame. I think you'd look very pretty.

Aw! Wouldn't he?

Ugh!

Now, let me show you what they did.

Really? Um, I think we've done hair now. Yeah. Oh.

Hi, Mum. Hi, boys.

Hi. Mwah! Mwah!

Where's Grandma? In the hall.

Examining herself. What?

What's with Dad and his calculator?

That bloody thing! He won't stop playing with it.

A calculator? Last night he worked out

how many times he goes to the loo in a month.

Excellent. How many? You really don't want to know the answer.

Hmm.

Adam, can you remember something for me? What?

Twenty six thousand, two hundred and forty three.

OK. And... instantly forgotten.

Hello, Jackie! There you are! You all right, Mum?

Yes. These are for you.

Oh, they're gorgeous!

Yes, they were very reasonable, because they were old.

Right.

Do you like my new style?

It's lovely, Mum. Come through.

I mean, who needs computer games when you've got one of these?

Did you have your hair done?

I did actually.

I think you should change hairdressers.

Martin, get me a drink.

Gin and tonic? No.

- Oh, no, that's for when you're... - Depressed.

Thank you. Wait, I bought you all some bubbly.

Oh, thanks, Mum! Yeah, thanks, Grandma.

Bubble, bubble, bubble! Adam, glasses.

Your humble servant.

Ow! Boys!

What's the occasion?

I'm just very happy at the moment.

Are you? Yes I am.

Martin, isn't life wonderful?

Not really.

Did you read about that man who beheaded all those horses? Terrible.

Your ladyship. Done it! Done what?

My calculation. It's not toilet maths again, is it?

No, it's not toilet maths.

Listen to this - did you know that your mother and I

have known each other for exactly

thirteen million, seven hundred and forty six thousand, six hundred and forty minutes?

Do you know, I did not know that.

Nor I. Aw, how sweet!

Very sweet.

But we've only been physically intimate with each other for...

Please don't work that one out.

Carry on, Mum.

Yes, well... I've sort of got something to tell you all really.

OK? Definitely pregnant.

It's quite big. What is it?

I'm in love!

Martin! Sorry.

In love? With a man.

A tramp. Wow! That's... that's... great, Mum.

Really, you deserve to be happy.

Thank you, dolly.

Yeah, especially after that horrible man you brought round.

You mean Lou? Lou Morris?

Yes, Mr Morris.

God, Mr Morris! The angriest man in the world.

Now, he was a bleeding loony!

He was not a loony! Well, he drove into the front door.

Chased me round the bloody house! With his tits hanging out!

Jon-Jon!

Tell them, Jackie.

Mum, he was still married when he was seeing you.

Actually, his wife died not long ago.

She was 94!

Poison, was it?

Sorry, Mum.

But the good thing is that now you've found someone you really like.

Yeah. Yeah.

Who is it? Well, actually...

I invited him round for dinner.

Oh! Really? Yes.

So who is this chap then?

Mr Morris.

Oh, yes, it really is wonderful to be back in your delightful home

with your equally delightful family.

Ooh! Well, it's...

Hideous. Lovely to see you too.

Oh, and, er... I've brought you a little something.

Condoms. Here.

What is it?

It's a photo of me as a youth. Isn't it wonderful?

Yes. You see, I was a very good-looking young man.

Much more good looking than those two. Eurgh!

Thank you. Yes, thank you.

Lovely. I'll put it... In the incinerator.

Try it on the mantelpiece.

OK. On the mantelpiece.

It looks really good up there.

Yes, I was a handsome man.

A real Beau Brummell, I was. What was I, Nellie?

A real Beau Brummell.

You see these men on TV these days calling themselves Beau Brummells.

Do you? Yes. They're not Beau Brummells.

They don't deserve to be called Beau Brummells, do they?

Um, Nellie told us the sad news about your wife.

She died.

We are sorry.

Yeah. Well, what can you do? It happens to all of us.

I mean, your boys'll be dead in...

Him, 60 years. Good to know.

Him, 65 years.

I win.

You're wrong. You can never win against death.

Well, cheers, everyone!

Lou... What?

That thing...

Oh, yeah.

"I would like to formally apologise to the entire Goodman family

"for the..."

I can't read your bloody writing.

Oh, yeah. "..really awful behaviour I exhibited

"when I last came to your lovely house..."

Done.

Isn't that nice of Lou?

Very moving.

Don't remember what I did, but I hear it wasn't appreciated.

You called us a bunch of penises. Martin!

I called you a bunch of penises?

Well, I should wash my mouth out with soap and water.

Um, the bathroom's just down there.

But thank God I'm a completely changed man,

and it's all thanks to your wonderful grandmother.

Look...

Oh!

Raw passion, that is.

I'm going to find some new batteries. I think we've run out.

Excuse me, everyone, I must spend a penny.

Of course, my darling.

Oh! What a body...

Um... one moment.

This way, Mum. Jackie?

OK. What is going on?

What? Mum, he's still a nutjob.

A nutjob? No, Jackie, he's changed.

Into a bigger nutjob.

Oh, it's just a bit of fun.

Just a bit of fun? You're 80, Mum.

80! Look, I've got everything under control.

Including his temper? Yes.

Whenever Lou gets angry now,

he just shuts himself in the car and screams.

He screams in the car.

Jacqueline, you should be happy for me.

I'm a sexually satisfied woman.

OK...

Come on.

What's happening?

All I said was - I didn't really like coffee. What?

Ahhhhh!

It's just a bit of fun.

Aaaaargh!

Ah, yes, very tasty, my dear.

Thank you. Although not as tasty as your mother!

Oh, God!

So, I never got to ask...

how long have you two been back together?

Oh, not too long. Six months.

Six months?!

You never said it was...

Yes, six months.

Six erotic months. Hee-hee!

Mum, I don't want any more.

Nor do I. I'll have some. I love scraps.

Dad!

Yes, six months - doesn't time fly?

Not at the moment.

Of course, you know what it's all about these days, don't you?

What's that?

Everything. What it's all about. Um...

You - have a guess.

You want me to guess what everything's all about? Go on.

Er...

..pineapples. Pineapples?!

You - stick insect.

Excellent. Have a guess what it's all about.

There's quite a lot to guess from. Well, go on.

The government?

Pineapples and the government?

Pineapples and the government?!

No, I'll tell you what it's all about -

punk rock. Punk rock?

Yes, it's everywhere. You turn on the radio - punk rock.

Right. You walk down the street, everywhere, punk rockers.

Everywhere? Aren't I right, Nellie?

Yes, Lou. He doesn't like punk rockers.

I don't. Puh-puh-puh!

Um... I don't like 'em.

Ogling my Nellie and her privates!

Okey-dokey... He's very protective.

How nice. I tell you,

if I had a son and he turned out to be a punk rocker,

do you know what I'd do? What's that then?

I'd spurn him, I would. Spurn him.

Well, I don't think you two will be having any little punk rockers for the time being!

What are you trying to say?

That my seed is bad?

Well, no... There's nothing wrong with my seed.

Tell him, Nellie. There's nothing wrong with his seed.

Nothing wrong with it? It's grade-A stuff - grade A!

Oh, but look at us all!

I mean, this is meant to be a joyous occasion.

Here I am, back in the bosom of your family.

And the bosoms of Grandma. I heard that.

So, come on, let's all raise a glass to...

Oh, shame.

I'll go! Me too! I'm coming.

Nellie? Yes?

Juicy.

Hello, Jackie. You look nice!

Oh, Christ! Um, hi, Jim.

Why are you...?

You may be wondering why I am dressed like so.

Um... That's because I'm collecting money

on behalf of... Oh!

Did you make that outfit yourself?

No, Martin, I hired it.

It's quite... Accurate?

Oh, yes.

No, I added that bit myself.

You know, for fun!

Ding-ding!

Fun. Right.

I'm going to look for those batteries. Thank you!

Jim, it's a bad time.

It's a bad time for these poor little doggies.

This one can't eat chicken any more.

Um, sorry, Jim. We don't have any money on us at the moment.

No more chicken... Maybe later. Yes, later.

Goodbye, Jim.

Bloody hell!

He had a tail! Back and front.

Maybe we could get Jim to mate with Mr Morris.

Ssh! For six erotic months!

Sorry, Mum...

Which is why I'm asking you now, Nellie...

Oh, Lou...

What was your second name again?

Buller. Mum?

Nellie Buller...

will you... Mummy?

Will you marry me?

Yes! Oh yes!

Engaged! We're engaged! We're engaged!

I know, Val. I know,

but she doesn't have to marry the man, for Christ sakes!

I mean, she's 80 years old! He's 85!

Are you depressed enough now for your gin and ton...?

I know, Val. I know.

I know.

Is mum all right?

Oh, dear.

What are we gonna do about... Pocket Hitler?

Drown him in the bath? Drown him in the sink?

I'll hold his head down.

Oh, there you are.

- Come on, I'm taking you all out. - Out?

Yes, it's a celebration! Hurry up, Nellie!

It's OK, Mr Morris, we haven't finished our dinner yet.

Nonsense! I will not have my beautiful daughter slaving over

the hot dishes on this night.

Daughter?

No, I'm taking you all out for a bit of fun. Somewhere special.

Favourite brothel? And don't worry, the drinks are on me.

You can have whatever you want...

..up to the value of �4.50 per head.

God... this is our surprise - bowling.

Rolling a ball at some sticks.

Lovely damp bowling shoes. Instant verucas.

But him, mum, him?!

Go on, smell!

Stop it, Jackie!

He's just... someone to be with, all right? It's company.

Mum, a cat is company.

Yes, but a cat can't do the same things to a woman as a man.

Well, it can do some of the things.

Toilet. Toilet.

Say something, Martin. Hmm?

What are you doing down there?

1,298,108?

How many days it would take to walk to the sun.

It's not good, is it?

It could not be not gooder.

Grandma's actually gonna marry that loony. Oh...

Someone calling me a loony?

Oh, hello, Mr Morris. Hi.

Let me tell you something about this loony...

This loony built up a button-sewing business from nothing but dust.

Right.

To become not the fifth, not the fourth, not the third,

but the second biggest button-sewing business in the whole

of the Hertfordshire region!

Now, finish your widdle!

Oh...

What did he say in there?

He didn't really say much. It was more of... An angry piss.

A very angry piss. A what?

Yeah, I've had one of those.

Right, I'm going to do my bowl now.

You look after Nelly for me. Um, OK, Mr Morris.

And make sure none of the men try it on with her.

We'll do our best!

You know, ogle her breasts and so forth...

Er...

Like I told you, he's very protective.

Maybe you two should talk to Grandma. No way!

All right, then, maybe talk to Mr Morris.

And say what? "We hate you." "Please die."

Maybe don't say please.

Someone has to do something.

Why can't dad talk to him?

Cos you know your father can't talk to people.

I can't talk to people.

Er... should he be doing that?

Er, Mr Morris? That is quite near.

Impossible to miss?

Possible to miss.

Bad luck, Lou!

Ach! It was a faulty ball!

It was bloody buggered!

That man is going to be your grandfather.

Here, Lou...

Let me help you. Oh, thank you.

Oi, you, leave her alone!

I'm sorry? Oh, dear.

I know your game. Keep your filthy hands off her.

I told you.

Um, Mr Morris...? What did you say?

I said, "Keep away from her," you dustbin!

Dustbin?! Get out of it! Go on!

Bloody punk rocker.

Lou, do you want to go and scream in the car?

No, I do not want to go and scream in the car.

If I had turned my back for just one millisecond,

that piece would have had his hands all over

your grandmother's beautiful bottom. Thanks for that.

And you can stop gawping at her bosoms and all.

What a celebration!

A roped-off area? Yes, so my fiancee can bowl in peace,

away from all these filthy punk rockers.

S... Punk rockers?

Ach!

The man's a professional twit.

Bloody punk rocker.

Martin... Um... anyone want a hot dog?

Mr Morris, we know how much our grandma means to you...

How much she means to me?! I just proposed to the woman!

Yes, yes, I know that,

but what I want to say is...

What do I want to say?

Um, maybe, like, try to... calm down a little? Yeah.

Calm down a little?! I am calmed down a little!

Lou, you need to calm down.

Remember, you're a changed man.

Yeah.

Yes, I'm a changed man.

So, is that "yes" to the hot dog? Maybe you're right.

Maybe I do need to calm down a little.

Well...

Oh, Lou...

From this moment on,

I promise to keep my terrible temper under control,

and to treat your grandma -

my beautiful fiancee - like a princess.

Oh, thank you Lou.

- You're sitting on my coat. - Sorry, Lou.

Come here, my love.

Hello, all!

Oh, Jim!

What are you doing here?

Well, I'm in the area, collecting money...

Did you follow us here? Hmmm?

Yeah, it's not the best time, Jim.

I know.

No more chicken.

- I don't like dogs. - Lou...

I mean, how wonderful, a dog!

Well, thanks Jim, we better...

I like your little ding-a-ling.

You mean this?

Ding-ding! Ooh.

Can I have a go?

Of course you can.

- Ding-ding! - Nelly...

Um... Ding-ding!

- Ding, ding, ding! - Nelly...

Ding, ding, ding! Dinga, dinga, ding!

Oh, for bleeding shit's sake!

I've had enough of this!

- Lou! - Right, come on, let's have you.

Here we go. Seconds out, round two.

Put 'em up, you scoundrel! Help!

Help! Oh, God!

Shit on it! Shit on it!

Shit on it! Penis monger! Ow!

Come here, you! Don't run away, you coward!

I'll kill him!

Get off him! I want to fight the big dog!

You're squashing my pancreas!

Oh, my calculator! I'll kill you!

My ding-a-ling!

Come on, Mr Morris, spit it out! Spit it out!

Our new grandad. With a dog's penis and balls in his mouth.

Spit it out, Mr Morris! Spit it out!

That's right. This way...

Car... car...

Well, that was fun! Hmm.

Well, good night, everyone. Night, Grandma.

Yeah. Night, Nellie. Sorry about your calculator, Martin.

It's OK, I was carrying a spare.

Jackie?

What, Mum?

- Good night. - Good night, Mum.

Maybe now you'll have a think about... you know...

What's there to think about?

I'm his fiancee.

But...

Well, it's gonna be a great wedding.

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