Original subtitles

Oh!

Wait. I'm busy.

Well, can you move?

All right, come in then.

Thank you.

What you doing?

Hm?

What are you doing?

Looking for trilobites.

Trilobites?

You know, marine arthropods. I found my old fossil collection.

Wow, every night's a party night round here.

Pardon?

All right, Pusface!

Pissface. Hi, Mum.

Hi.

Where's Grandma? Is she coming?

Oh, she's coming, all right. And you'll never guess who with?

How do I know who Grandma's coming with? Hi, Mum.

Hi, Bobble.

One minute, you don't mean...?

Her new boyfriend.

Oh my god! We're going to meet Grandma's new boyfriend!

Oh, I told you, Mr Morris is not Grandma's boyfriend, he's her...

"Male companion".

Exactly.

Male prostitute.

Stop it.

- Jackie, I found a trilobite. - Mazel tov.

When are they getting here?

Yeah, good question. They were meant to be here about...

Martin, you do know that's butter you're eating?

What?

They're cubes of butter.

Oh, I thought it was cheese.

Oh, and put a top on. Mr Morris won't want to see your hairy udders.

Well he sees Grandma's.

Very nice!

God, grandma with a man. Urgh!

Yeah, urgh!

What do you mean, 'urgh'?

Yeah, what's wrong with your Grandma going with men?

Oh, lovely way of putting it!

Well, she obviously went with a man to form you.

Nice image.

Thank you, Martin! No, thank you all very much.

Tastes like cheese.

Sorry, Mum.

Yeah.

It's all right, it's just since Grandad died,

I've never seen my mum with another man.

- I'm sure he'll be really nice. - Yeah, Mum.

Do you think so?

Well, if he's not, we'll just strangle him

and dissolve his body in acid.

Or chop him up and burn him.

Ah, that's my boys.

Oh, oh, text from Grandma.

Grandma can text?

That's debatable.

"Dear Jackie".

"Dear"? That's a good start.

"Sorry we are late, late.

"Now we are, we here 7, 7, 7, 7".

Huh?

So that means?

It means they're here.

Oh my god, they're here! They're here!

When are they coming?

They're here!

He's got a cool car.

God, it's in pieces.

Did Grandma say if Mr Morris had any eyes,

cos I'm not sure he knows there's a house right in front of him.

Stop! Stop! Stop!

Jesus.

Hello, Mr Morris.

Your bloody house just broke my light.

There. Drink, Mum?

Two sherries, please.

One for you and one for...?

Both for me. Two sherries, please.

OK, two sherries.

Delightful bathroom.

Oh, thank you. Drink Mr Morris, er, Lou?

There was no hand towel.

Oh, I am sorry.

I had to dry my hands on the curtains.

What else could I do?

Not dry your hands on the curtains?

- He's very clean. - Hygienical.

Um, would you like a drink?

I think I'll have champagne.

- Champagne? - For this wonderful occasion.

Lou does like his champagne.

Um, I don't think we've got any cham...

Yes, we do, there's a bottle in the fridge.

No, that's the special bottle.

Even better, the special bottle of champagne.

You know, your mother makes me very happy, look.

Oh!

Mmmmm!

I'm going to get the drinks.

So am I.

And so am I.

Martin!

Mwa! Oh, I'm all randy!

He likes the loo.

What?

He likes the loo, your friend - the male.

The male.

Stop it. He'll be here in a minute.

- After he's wiped his cock on the curtains. - Jonny!

Pow!

What's that?

Mr Morris?

Well, go on.

Bit scared.

Hello, boys!

Oh, hi Jim, what are you...?

Who is it?

Jim!

Oh.

Hello Jackie, um, something smells nice!

Why didn't you use the front door?

Well, that's the thing, I couldn't get there,

because, well, did you know there's a car parked right up against it?

Yes, we know.

Joyrider, is it?

Um, sort of the opposite. The guy's about 100.

I'm 82, thank you very much.

Hello, Mr Morris.

Something wrong with my driving?

Um, not specifically your driving,

it's more specifically your parking.

Who is this man?

Oh, a dog. I don't like dogs. Dirty.

No, not Wilson, he's very clean. Aren't you, lovely?

You shouldn't allow dogs near food preparation areas. Dirty.

He's not dirty.

They're riddled with nits.

No, not Wilson. I had him de-riddled.

Dirty, urgh!

Who's that man?

Sorry Jim, just ignore him.

He looked like Hitler.

It's, it's not Hitler, is it?

Everything OK?

Er...

The man didn't like my driving! We'll show him what a real driver is.

Will we?

If you're lucky, you can come with me later to get a new bulb for my indicator.

And if we're unlucky?

Shhh!

Have you ever worked?

"Have I ever worked?" he asks? What am I, a layabout? Of course I've worked!

Martin!

Actually I had a very exciting career.

- Did you? - I worked with the armed forces.

So you were in the army?

No, we put the buttons on the uniforms.

What?

Is that a thing?

'Course it's a thing. We had a machine.

Oh, he had a big machine. A very big machine!

What did he do again?

A button company.

Mutton company?

Just go and get the pickled cucumber, would you?

Mutton company?

Yes, I had the biggest button sewing company around.

That is until Rutherford's came along.

He doesn't like Rutherford's.

Rutherford's! They wouldn't know a button from a monkey's anus!

Oh! >

Very succulent chicken, my love.

Thank you.

You, little legs.

Me?

Excellent.

Have a guess how many staff I had in London and the South East?

Um, four?

Four? Four!

No, not you. Don't listen to him.

You, Beanstalk? How many staff do you think I had working

for me in London and the South East?

And the South East?

And the South East.

I dunno, 1,000?

1,000? 1,000!

All right, 100.

Less.

90?

Much less.

Five?

More. Five!

Six?

11, all right?

I had 11 damned loyal people all working for me.

And do you know what? Not one of them ever slandered me.

Really?

Did they, Nellie?

What?

I was never slandered, tell 'em!

He was never slandered.

Pickle, anyone?

Thank you, Melvin.

Oh it's Martin.

Argh!

Arrrggghhh!

Calm down. You'll have a heart attack.

Oh, bloody thing!

You know that one doesn't open.

Do you know how many heart attacks I've had?

Oh good. More guessing.

Erm, none?

Oh no, I've had some, not none. You, your go.

Oh, it's a horrible thing to have to guess, Mr Morris.

Um, one?

Why does everyone guess so low in this house?

You, Tiny Tim.

Thank you. Erm, a million.

A million heart attacks? You, Skyscraper?

Erm, four?

No, three. Three heart attacks.

Is that a lot?

- Have you ever had a heart attack? - Erm, no.

Would you like to have a heart attack?

Not really.

How do you think it feels to have had three - three! - Heart attacks?

Er, I wouldn't really know.

Oh, oh. Urgh!

Ohhhh!

Is he having a real...?

- Mr Morris? - Mum?

Don't worry, he always does this.

Oh! Er! Oh!

That's how it feels!

Oh, please excuse me.

Lou Anthony Morris?

Shall I get the acid?

Shhh!

Why are you calling me now? I've told you...

Mum?

Yes.

Mr Morris, er, he seems...

- Horrible. - Hitlerish.

Nice.

What? Oh yes, and er, he's very kind.

Well, maybe not kind,

but er, well, you know...

Yeah.

What bloody business is it of yours anyway?

Who's he on the phone to?

Mussolini?

I think I know who he's talking to.

Who?

His wife.

His what?

His wife? I thought she was dead.

No, she's still alive. She's 93.

What? That's slander that is, you bony old hag!

Yes, that's definitely his wife.

But they're divorced, yeah, Mum?

Ah, ah...

Don't let's go through all that again.

Mum?

Grandma?

Grandma?

All right, all right.

You mustn't say anything,

but... we're having an affair.

Do you know what you are? You're a big bag of shit!

Your bloody wall just broke my phone!

Here, Pusface!

Oh!

Thank you. Pleasure.

I can't believe it.

My 78-year-old mother having an affair with an 82-year-old man.

Behind the back of his 93-year-old wife.

That could definitely be a porno.

- Sorry, I just have to, um... - Where are you going?

His usual hiding place, no doubt.

Thank you, Martin. Leave me in it!

Oh, hello, love.

Lou wondered if there was any more champagne.

Oh, did he?

Yes, he said you were a bit mean with his first glass.

I was, was I?

Apparently, it was all froth.

Here, Grandma.

No, Jonny. Let her get it herself.

"Froth."

Is there something the matter, dolly?

What do you think, Mum?

I don't know what you mean.

OK, well, perhaps you can tell me

what are Mr Morris's intentions?

His intentions?

Oh, come on, Mum!

Adultery, at your age?

Adultery?

No, Jackie, it's not like that.

Well, what is it like, then?

Excuse me.

I can't wait all night.

Oh...

Well...

Perhaps it is a bit like that.

Found you!

What are you doing?

God, that bloody man.

Tell us about it.

I had to get away.

And you had to take your top off?

Er, yes, I did.

Promise me when I get old, you'll just take me out and shoot me.

We promise.

Having fun with your stones?

Not really. I can't find any more wretched trilobites.

That is a shame.

Big shame.

Well, thank you for abandoning me.

I just had to watch Mr Morris feed my mother pieces of apple.

From his own mouth.

Sexy!

Go on.

Mr Morris wants Little and Large to get a new headlight thingy with him.

What? Really?

Yes, really. And anyway, I want you to go with him.

Er, because?

Because I want you to ask him

what his intentions are towards your grandmother.

Ask him his intentions?

Sorry, are we in the 17th century?

Oh, just do it for me.

Thanks.

Shitting arthropods!

Pass us that book, would you?

What book? This one?

No, not that one, the big one.

And the other one.

Er...

Come on, come on.

Oh, that's better.

First things first.

One rule I have when I'm in a vehicle.

OK...

Complete silence.

Complete...

Not a word.

Er... Shh!

Er, Mr Morris...

Silence!

Where are they?

Stupid shop.

Adam? His intentions?

Why don't you do it?

Go on, Little legs.

These are the ones.

Um, Mr Morris,

can I ask you something?

£4.44.

Well, aren't you going to pay?

For what?

For the bulbs, of course.

Why do we have to pay?

Because if your grandmother had never existed,

I'd never have driven into your doorstep.

And that's actual logic, is it?

£4.44.Yes, all right.

Jonny, wallet.

I don't have any money.

Thank you.

Oh! Um, Mr Morris.

Sorry, um...

Could I ask you something?

What?

Um...

We just wanted to know...

what are your...

um,

what are your inten...

sive interests?

My what?

Your intensive interests.

£4.44.

Kindly pay the man.

"Intensive interests?"

Oh, I forgot something.

Well, come on, give a man a bit of room. Get out the way.

Can I also get, um...

a packet of those?

These?

Let me have a look at them.

No, I've used these before. They're too loose.

Too loose?

Adam, why is Mr Morris buying condoms?

They're more hygienical?

You know he's going to use them on Grandma?

Technically, he'll use them on himself and then...

Please don't finish that sentence.

Oh, yes, those are the ones. Nice and tight.

You may pay now. I'll be outside.

Hmm, so those are his intensive interests.

Take this.

You're welcome?

Hi, all, everything all right?

No. I'm worn out. I'm having a lie down upstairs.

Are you, um, OK?

I trust you have clean sheets?

Well, what are his...?

Honourable.

Definitely honourable.

He has been a long time, Mum.

Shall I wake the man?

I wouldn't if I were you.

He doesn't like being woken.

I'm sure he'll be fine.

He once tore a light out of the wall.

Right...

Go on, go and check on Mr Morris.

Us?

- Go on. - But what if he does that thing with the light?

Oh, just see that he's OK.

Boys.

Be careful.

He's still breathing.

We could smother him.

Adam, pocket.

The condoms.

- Go on, then. - Go on, then, what?

I think we should take them.

What? Before Mum sees them.

Don't be ridiculous.

She'll be really upset. Go on, take them.

Me? Again?

Go on.

This isn't good.

Hurry up.

I mean really. This really isn't good.

Got you! Aah!

You had your hand in my trousers.

No, I didn't. It was an accident!

An accident?!

Yes, I slipped and...

He did, he slipped...

Crap and rubbish!

Jesus!

What's going...? What happened to the light?

Your son was fiddling with my private parts.

What? What?

He had his hand down my trousers.

- No, I didn't! I was... - Adam!

That makes you either a thief or a molester. Which are you?

- Thief's better. Say thief. - What were you doing in here?

Nothing. It was a mistake.

I am sorry, Mr Morris.

No, this is worse than Rutherford's!

- What were you doing in there? - He just tore the light out of the...

What were you doing to the man?

I wasn't doing anything.

You weren't... you know?

Of course I wasn't.

He was a bit.

Adam, tell me!

Mum, I can't, OK?

Um, you can. And you will.

All right! God!

You know his... intentions?

Yes?

Well...

He bought a packet of...

Right, that's it.

Mum!

Mummy!

Never would I believe

that I'd be subjected to such a brutal sexual attack.

Mr Morris, it really wasn't a sexual...

Move out of my way, please.

Nellie, we're going.

I've been sexually assaulted!

Get your coat, Nellie. It's an outrage.

An absolute outrage, an absolute bloody...

Oh!

Oh, my God! Shit!

Oh, my God! Lou? Lou?

Mr Morris!

What's going on?

Sorry! I'm sorry!

Is he dead?

Sorry.

Oh...

Ah!

Think you're tough, do you?

- I didn't mean to. - You filthy slanderer!

It's OK, Mr Morris.

Let's see what you've got, then. Come on, put 'em up.

What?

Put 'em up, half pint! Come on!

"Put 'em up?"

Come on, put 'em up! Lou! Stop it.

Mr Morris, please.

Oh, your top's come off, has it?

You want some as well, do you?

Pardon? Right.

Jesus Christ!

Lou! Come on!

Put 'em up.

Mr Morris...

Put 'em up. You've had a nasty fall.

A thousand, eh? What?

A thousand workers at my factory?

Even Rutherford's didn't have a thousand!

And where do you think you're going, Mr Molester?

Fiddling in an old man's undergarments!

Get off me!

Stop it, Lou! >

Pull your trousers up and fight like a man.

You're a lunatic!

Come on, then. Fight the lunatic!

Right, you, enough!

Get off me!

Careful, Martin!

It's all right. Move, move, Jackie.

Let me go, you vermin!

Come on, out!

No!

Slanderers!

Right, change of plan. Everyone else out!

Go on, that's it, run away!

Run away! Sissies!

Slanderers! Perverts!

Dad!

Come back, you coward.

Lock the door, lock the door!

Let me out, you apes!

Christ!

He's a lunatic.

Slanderers!

Lou! Please!

Rutherford lovers!

So what are we going to do?

I don't know.

Martin, what are we going to do?

Um, sell the house?

Oh, very good.

Filthy scabs!

Mum, what are we going to do?

I'll tell you what we're going to do.

We're going to stand out here

and wait till he has another bloody heart attack.

Bunch of penises!

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