Original subtitles

All right, Dad?

What?

Hello.

Oh, yes. Hello, Bambino.

Boiling tonight, isn't it? Pwhoar! Baking.

And why are you in that ridiculous hat? Protection.

From...?

From the sodding pigeon that did this.

Jesus! That's all from one pigeon? Yeah, from one pigeon.

What, and you know the one that did it, do you?

Oh, I know the one, all right. It's a flying crapping machine.

I swear it eats other pigeon's crap then craps that crap back out again.

Nice.

Ooh, I've got the stuff. Good boy.

Here.

Don't give it to me now! Do you want your mother to strangle me?

All right!

Hide it properly.

What?

Down there.

Dad!

Seriously?

Well, go on.

All right!

Adam?

Urgh!

Hi, Mum!

Hi, Adam!

It's so good to be home.

You all right?

Oh, yeah, Bobble.

Revolting top.

Thank you.

Revolting.

Where's Pissface?

Pissface? Oh, I just got a text from him.

"Won't be long. Have some exciting news!"

Wonder what it is.

They've located his brain.

Oh. "P.S. Please spit in Adam's mouth."

Horrible sons!

I've got shit all over my hands.

But lovely father.

Isn't he?

Martin, do you have to wear your Little Miss Muffet boots in here?

What?

Oh, Adam, bring Dad's special salad through, would you?

What?

Oh, his special salad.

Oh, dear! Was this yours?

So, Dad's still doing his low cholesterol thingy?

You know, he's been quite good.

Yesterday, he had his first aubergine.

Blimey!

What's that?

You had an aubergine.

I had an aubergine.

He's done so well, haven't you?

No chips, no chocolate, no cakes, no cheese for two weeks.

And you've been sticking to it?

Of course.

You've been so brave.

Anything for you, my sweet.

Aw!

Right.

Bring the stuff.

Ow!

Not here, you imbecile.

Oh, of course, your office.

Hurry up!

I just want to say that this is the last time I do this for you.

Yes.

OK, here's your cheese.

Where's the cakes?

Jonny's on cakes.

Oh, yes, Jonny's on cakes.

Mmm, brie!

Don't know how fresh it's going to be, having just been down my underpants.

No, that's good. Means it's melted a little.

Perfect!

So, any, um, females?

I'm really not going to have that conversation with you right now.

Why not?

Because you're eating cheese in the loo.

So?!

So, this is what it's come to?

Oh, you don't understand what it's like here.

Your mum's been feeding me pieces of forest all week,

and for dessert - bloody fruit salad.

It's like living in Nazi Germany.

Bit of an exaggeration.

Martin, are you in the loo again?

Mum.

Coming!

Hold.

Dad?

Ssh! I know what I'm doing.

Um, hygiene?

What?

Wait!

All clear.

Hi!

Oh, Christ!

Jonny!

All right, Pusface. Females?

No, actually. Dad's drugs? Dad's drugs.

Here.

Hi, Jonny.

Oh, hi, Mum.

So, what's the big news?

What? Oh!

Thanks, Jonny.

Oh, hello, my darling.

You all right, Martin?

Oh, yes, just...

doing a toilet.

There.

I'll put my shirt on.

So, anyway, my news?

Oh, yes, your news.

Yes, my news.

Ha! Ahhh!

So, you know how I'm the younger brother,

but I'm the only one with a proper job?

For proper cocks. It's called an estate agent. Cock agent. Boys!

And you know I've only been there for, like, six months?

Making the tea, cleaning the toilet...

Shut up.

Well, I've been promoted!

Oh, my God! Promoted?

Oh, Jonny, that's amazing!

Yeah, well done, Jonny. Sorry, what's he done?

He's been demoted.

Promoted.

And guess what? Liz was so happy with my work she gave me...

a company car.

A company car? Oh, Jonnyboo!

Clever boy.

Well done, Pissface.

Come on, I'll show ya.

Ooh, exciting!

And later we'll go for a family spin.

Ooh, family spin!

Family spin!

Well?

Is that it?

Yeah. It's good, isn't it?

I thought you said it was a car.

Huh? It is a car.

Erm, I think that's a house.

It's not a house. It's a car.

Made of bricks.

Shut up!

Mum?

It does look a bit house-y.

No, Mum, it's just clever marketing.

Clever, as in total shit?

Ow!

Well, Dad?

Is that your new company car, then?

You know it is.

Do they not like you there?

Martin!

Oh, ignore them, darling.

Oh, it's lovely, really and it's nothing like a house.

No, just a car with a mortgage.

Right. Well, thank you. Thank you, all, very much.

Oh, Jonny, come on!

They really must hate his guts.

Mm.

Jonnyboo!

You have done so well and it's a lovely... vehicle.

Really?

Course, darling.

Adam, hasn't your brother done well?

What, to be driving a roof?

Well, at least I'm not a sad git who writes crap jingles for... paint thinner.

Paint stripper, actually.

Oh, yeah, how could I forget? You only use it as your ringtone.

'Paint stripper, by Samsons'

It's good for business.

So sad.

That is a bit sad.

Agh, shit on it! Shit on it!

What's the matter?

Bloody hell!

What's the matter?

All right, Dad?

You all right?

Move! Move!

Oh, be spatially aware!

What happened?

The bleeding bird just crapped in my eye!

So she must like you, this, er, Liz lady.

What?

Your boss.

Guess so.

She's... pretty cool actually.

Ooh!

♪ He fancies his boss! ♪

Mum, tell Adam to piss off, would you?

Adam, piss off. Thanks, Mum.

Definitely fancies her.

Um, Pusface, I think someone's phoning you.

What?

♪ My balls never dropped

My balls!

My balls never dropped... #

You bloody... How did you change my...?

Ha-ha! Is it better now?

Oh, I think so.

Boys, does my eye smell?

Argh!

Do you have to do that at the table?

So, we're going to try out the new car later, yeah?

House.

Family spin?

Lovely, darling.

I'll show you the new office, too.

Ooh, will we meet Liz? Sorry, your new girlfriend.

Mum, when are Adam's balls going to drop?

Very good.

Argh!

Skill McGill!

Ugh, you bastard! What was that?

Oh, it's eye drops.

Oh, it's potato. Boys!

What's that?

Oh, it's his new toy.

A fax machine.

Dad bought a fax machine? Don't look at me.

Dad, why did you buy a fax machine?

So we can get fax messages, stupid.

Why would you ever want to get a fax message when you've got e-mail?

Are you trying to be a moron?

So you don't have to read everything off a bleeding screen.

So you're literally the last person left on Earth using a fax machine?

I've told him, Adam.

Rubbish! The fax is a great bit of kit.

Lovely bit of squirrel.

With bits of forest!

Oh, there's a surprise for dessert!

That means fruit salad.

Fruit salad for you maybe, we'll be on crumble.

Crimble crumble!

Delicious crimble crumble. Pow!

Ta-dah!

It's fruit salad.

What did I tell you? Nazi Germany.

What?

Fruit salad and...?

And? The crimble crumble?

Didn't make any.

What?! You what?!

Well, Dad's on his cholesterol thingy,

so I just thought it'd make a nice change.

A nice change?

What, chopped up bits of manky old fruit?

All right! Sorry!

See what you've done now, Jackie.

Sit down! Where are you going?

To open the bloody window, it's bloody boiling in here. Argh!

Hello, all!

Hi, Jim.

Have you been there long?

Probably about 20 minutes.

We're sort of in the middle of dinner, Jim.

Oh, no, don't mind me. You carry on.

Wilson.

Can we help?

I was just bringing something round for you.

Thanks. Er, perhaps it could wait? Yeah.

Yeah, maybe bring it round tomorrow.

Yes, course I'll do that. It's only a cake.

Cake? Cake?

Did someone say cake?

It's Wilson's birthday, everybody!

He's pissed.

Hello, Jackie. You look nice.

Oh, thanks Jim.

Oh!

And hello, Martin. Ooh.

Oh, I'm not meant to kiss you, am I?!

Not really.

All gone.

Happy birthday, Lydia?

Lydia? No, they didn't have a Wilson one in the shop.

Thi-This one was the nearest.

But Lydia isn't anywhere near Wilson.

No, I meant nearest for me to reach.

Cheers!

Thirsty!

Um... The cake?

Yes, of course, the cake.

Lydia?

Yes, got a bit confused when I was doing the icing

and sort of copied the balloon.

Ooh, thank you.

No, Martin, you're on a diet.

Well, it's only a tiny nibble.

You promised!

Jackie, I had a bleeding aubergine, for Chrissakes!

Go on, Jackie.

Mm, mm, mm!

It's quite crunchy.

I wanted to make something that, you know,

man and dog can enjoy together.

There's not any dog biscuits in this, are there?

It's probably about half and half.

Urgh!

By the way, there's a funny little pixie's house sitting in your drive.

We know. It's a car.

Oh, it's a car, is it?

Well, it's completely covered in bird discharge.

Bye, all!

My new car!

Oh, shame.

Oh, god!

It's Jonny's.

Just leave it. Jonny!

It's Liz!

Just put it down.

Er, I don't quite think so.

Hello?

Adam, it's his boss!

Hi, Liz.

It's me, it's, it's Jonny.

I've got a, I've got a bit of a cold.

She believes me!

Stop it!

Who is it?

'And how's the new car?'

Er, fine, fine.

Seriously, Adam!

'Well, aren't you going to say something nice, then?'

Er, you're a great boss.

'Why don't you ask me what I'm wearing?'

Really?

What are you wearing?

'Just my lacy thong.'

OK.

Who's he talking to?

Stop it!

'Tell me to take it off.'

Er...

'Come on!'

Take off... your lacy thong.

'OK, then. I'm taking it off right n...'

'Shit! Gotta get that. See you later, Sexy Bum.'

My car is buried in pigeon shit.

What? What's going on?

I think Adam just got a call from a prostitute.

So here's our new office.

Marvellous.

Aren't you going to look?

I don't want to look.

Why not?

I told you why not.

I thought you'd worked for this car, not...

Shagged for it?

Yes, shagged for it, thank you, Adam. My pleasure, Mother.

I can't believe you pretended to be me on the phone.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sexy Bum.

Will you please stop saying that?! All right, keep your thong on.

Jonny?

What?

Does your office have a fax machine?

And how old is this Liz woman anyway?

Bit older, I suppose.

25? 26?

Maybe older.

30? 31?

Um...

31?! That's practically a grandmother.

Very nice!

Shit! What's she doing here?

Oh, my God! Is that...?

No!

It's Liz, isn't it? She is definitely older than 31.

We're not staying here. Oh, yes, we are!

Get off! Adam!

What are you doing, you morons?!

Hello, Elizabeth.

Hi, Jonny.

How's work?

Good. Good. Very, very busy.

Pretending you're not sleeping together. What happened to the car?

Bird excrement.

Um, this is my dad.

Hello.

Pardon?

And, er, that's my mum.

Oh, hi. Jonny's doing very well here.

Good.

And this is my brother, Adam.

It's so lovely to meet you.

And you.

Take 'em off.

Right, so...

Excuse me, do you use fax machines in your office?

Dad! I'm sorry?

Fax machines.

Um...

We really should be going now.

Oh, really, Jonny?

Yes, really, Jonny?

Yeah, so, um, I guess I'll... see you on, er...

♪ I've got a scabby penis, scabby penis, scabby penis

♪ I've got a scabby penis, scabby penis, scabby penis... ♪

Just...

Monday. See you Monday.

Ow!

Lovely family spin.

Yes, thank you, everyone.

43! She's forty-bloody-three.

Yeah, so?

That's practically a great-grandmother.

And again, thank you, Adam.

Oh, Martin!

What?

You left the window open.

Did I?

Oh, someone could have broken in and taken everything.

Calm down, no-one's done anything. Yeah, Mum.

How do you know?

All right. Come down, Mr Burglar!

See?!

Ooh!

And that's the only thing he took... a fax machine?

Yes, all he took was my fax machine.

What's so funny?

Nothing. Nothing.

I only got it this week.

You bought a fax machine this week?

Yep! Yes, why?

Why would you go out and buy a fax machine when you can just use email?

Tut! So you don't have to read everything off a...

bloody screen!

Got all the details here somewhere.

Jonny, can I have a word a moment?

Sure, Mum.

Why won't this bloody thing work?

Um, because that's the stapler.

Oh, yes.

You didn't earn it properly, it's not right. You should give the car back.

Don't be ridiculous.

Oh, I'm being ridiculous, am I,

when... when you've got a boss who tells you to yank down her thong?

Um, I just found this in your downstairs loo.

I can't understand it, officer, why would anyone

break into our house and then hide away all that cake

and stuff, er, in our toilet?

I really wouldn't know, Mr Goodman.

People do the strangest things.

Don't they?!

Yes, don't they?!

Right, I'll take these, then.

It'd be a shame to throw away all that good food, though, wouldn't it?

Oh, we won't be throwing it away, we'll be taking it in for analysis.

Analysis?

We found teeth marks in the cheese.

How could you, Martin?

Who the hell's that?

♪ Toilet sex, toilet sex I like toilet sex

♪ Toilet sex, toilet sex I like toi... ♪

Mm.

Happy birthday, Jackie. Happy birthday...

Hi, Jim.

Everybody.

Look. Um, er, look, ooh, Jim, it... it's really not a good time.

Did you know there's a police car in your drive?

Um, yes.

And there's some policemen in your house.

I'll be in the van.

♪ Nee-naw, nee-naw! ♪

OK.

Has... has there... has there been a murder, officer?

A murder?

No, Jim, there was a burglary.

It's his dog's birthday.

"Lydia"?

No - Wilson. He's either four or nine.

Hi Jim. A man stole our fax machine.

Never mind, Martin, you can always borrow one of mine. I've got five.

Are you a... a neighbour, sir?

Mm, more a fr... friend.

- Neighbour. - Friend.

- He's a neighbour. - I don't know if you saw

anyone around here this evening,

but we're looking for a man in his late 20s,

about so high.

Yes! Wearing a hat.

It's a baseball cap.

Jeans.

Jeans, dark jeans.

And black...

Boots.

You saw him?

Yes, yes, we had a lovely chat.

He seemed like a very nice man. Two Wilsons there...

Right, and...?

Um, he said he was a cousin, he's on a visit and lost his keys

and the window was open, so I gave him a leg up.

So you helped a man break into our house?

Hmm?

Um, so what else can you remember about him?

He wa... He was a man.

Right.

Yes, very manly.

Any other features apart from his general manliness?

Ooh, he probably had a winkie.

It's just really not a lot to go on, Mrs Goodman.

Er, he was a man and he had a winkie.

No.

We'll be in touch.

Thanks.

Bye, officers.

Maybe I should leave.

Yeah, maybe, Jim. Come on.

Hopefully you won't meet those men again.

What? They were only doing their job.

No, not the policemen, the men who broke into your house.

Well, bye, all!

Men?!

Men?

Well, yes, yes, the two men who broke in.

Two men? You said one man.

Well, yes, the policemen men asked if I saw the man in the hat

but he was with the other man.

You bloody idiot, why didn't you bleeding say?!

Well, one minute, so you let two men in, but only one ran out.

Now be careful, he might have a gun. A gun?!

Careful, Martin.

Ooh, there's my marmalade. It's the one with bits in.

Anything up there, boys?

No, Mum.

Boiling.

Adam, make sure you look in the ugly cupboards.

OK.

But be careful.

Be careful, Jackie.

Nothing in the ugly cupboards!

Pissface?

What?

Pusface?

Argh!

Argh!

Argh!

Boys?!

What's going on? Argh!

Hello again.

Push and pull.

Thanks!

Yes, that was the other man.

Is everyone all right?

Yeah, Dad.

Yeah.

Who does that funny little car belong to again?

- Me, why? - Well, the man's sort of taking it.

What?!

My car!

My new car.

Bad luck, Pissface.

Argh!

Bad luck, Pusface.

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