Original subtitles

[Country music plays] [Telephone rings]

Cattleman's Ranch, how may I help you?

Man: I'd like to place an order for pickup.

Oh, I'm sorry. We don't do takeout.

I'll take a rib plate with a side of your mashed po-tah-toes.

Uh, potatoes, and we don't do...

- A large coleslaw, extra cole... - Okay, sir...

and two of your fancy cookie pies.

Sir, we don't do takeout at Cattleman's.

We do now.

We're getting in the to-go game.

Sir, sorry to keep you waiting.

Uh, you are never going to believe this.

It turns out we just started doing to-go, like, right now.

S02E16 Tight Two

Fresh off the boat

I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go

If you don't know, homey, now you know

Fresh off the boat

Homey, you don't know where I come from

But I know where I'm goin'

I'm fresh off the boat

sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com

[Up-tempo music playing]

[Birds squawking]

It's too loud. Turn it down.

[Sighs]

It's down.

I think if the three of us were stuck on a deserted island,

we'd be fine.

We totally would be.

I'm great at finding fresh water.

And I know how to start a fire.

And I'd drink a glass of that fresh water

while using the fire to cook and eat both of you.

- What? - What?

Don't kid yourselves.

A few days of starvation,

and you'd be trying to eat me, too.

I'd eat berries.

There are no berries.

No berries?

[Ducks quacking]

Eddie, turn those ducks down!

[Door opens, closes]

Now entering the square circle,

the Intercontinental Champion of the World,

Louis "The Animal" Steele!

Yay! Dad's home!

Ahh! [Growls]

Me eat turnbuckle!

Rawr! [Laughter]

When did this couch get so lumpy?

It's not the couch! It's Evan!

You guys hear something? The wind?

Evan! You hear Evan!

You're sitting on me!

Evan, when did you get there?

Hey, watch this.

Kid 'n Play.

Kid 'n Play.

Oh!

Whoo! You're the best!

Dad, you rock! Dad, you're the best!

Ah, Hector made chocolate cake today.

Brought you guys some.

Cake!

Okay, everybody. Time for bed.

[All sigh]

Hey, now, now. Listen to your mother.

[Whispering] You can eat it in your room.

Brush your teeth after.

Don't brush.

[Sighs]

You are the only one who can tear them away

from "The Adventures of Baby Ducks Screaming."

Well, I've been putting in so much time at work

getting ready to launch Cattleman's To-Go,

I only get to see them for a few minutes a night.

Got to make them count.

Well, maybe you wouldn't have to work so hard

if you hired competent help.

My staff is more than competent.

They have the instincts of a goldfish...

Eyes wide open, mouths moving, swallowing air,

can't tell flakes from poop.

What was that?

Did you just ask for a Kid 'n Play?

No.

Mm, someone did.

[Screams] [Groans]

[Wolf-whistles]

_

_

Ma, I'm getting dressed.

_

_

There's no way you're going to work today.

You can't even get dressed.

It's the first day of Cattleman's To-Go.

I have to be there.

Just let the staff handle it.

There's no way they can manage.

I thought you said they were competent.

When I'm there to supervise them.

On their own, they're...

Goldfish?

That's actually a pretty good Mitch.

[Chuckles]

No, I can do this.

If I can just get this sock on, everything will be fine.

[Grunting]

It's slow at work.

The investment property is being held up with inspections.

I can just cover for you until you're back on your feet.

I don't think so.

You and the staff aren't exactly a good mix.

You told Nancy she didn't really serve in Desert Storm.

She didn't get a kill.

She was a cook.

Cooks should have the most kills.

They have the element of surprise.

[Grunts]

[Sighs]

_

_

If you were to cover for me,

you couldn't fire anyone.

What makes you think I would fire anyone?

Because that's your move.

At the furniture store in D.C.,

you would try to fire people all the time.

Name one.

Me. Susan our accountant. James my client.

You tried to fire a customer.

Being a manager is a lot like chess.

If you can't get rid of any of the pieces,

you can't win the game.

No firing anyone.

Fine.

No firing... except as a last resort.

Nope. No firing.

No verbal firings. I understand.

No firing.

What if word of layoffs comes down from corporate?

Boys, your father is recovering,

so I'm going to be at the restaurant today

and he'll be here when you get home from school.

Yay!

Dad! [Chuckles]

These truly are my lucky socks!

My brain's going to school, but my heart's staying here.

My brain's staying here, too.

As you know, Louis had an accident.

Oh, yeah. He paged me... "911 Louis down".

Was he attacked by birds? They're everywhere.

I think they're moving down here from Vermont.

I saw a bird in a tree,

and I was like, "Is he watching me?"

It wasn't birds.

Now, I know we've had our differences in the past,

but it's time for a fresh start.

Together, we can make the To-Go launch a success.

You ever see a complete pigeon?

They're always missing something.

Are you trying to get fired, Nancy?

Oh, we know you can't fire anyone.

Louis also paged me that.

Fire won't kill a pigeon.

I've seen them shuffling out of burning buildings in Kuwait.

It's like they're born from the flames.

[Laughter]

Hey, boys.

Welcome home.

[Chuckles]

I guess if I was forced to pick, I'd eat Eddie.

- Me too. - I'd eat Evan.

Why me?

I've known you a shorter time,

so I'm less attached to you.

Louis?

[Door closes]

Where's your father?

I agreed not to fire the staff,

but they didn't need to know that.

Now they have nothing to fear!

How can I rule without fear?!

Do you want us to respond?

Dad's at the diner where Emery got sick

from drinking all that orange juice.

He went to the diner? When?

As soon as we got home from school.

He said, "Hey, boys. Welcome home.

Want some coffee?"

And then he left to get us all coffee.

I'm waiting on a babyccino.

Louis?

Oh, thank God you're back from work.

Let's go home.

What are you doing here?

Why aren't you home with the boys?

Because you're not there.

[Sighs]

I can't spend time alone with our kids.

Can I get a babyccino and the check?

What do you mean

you can't spend time alone with the kids?

They love you. You're their favorite.

Yeah, that's because I only see them

for a little bit every night.

I give them a tight-two.

I blow in, dazzle them with a two-minute tornado of fun,

then get out.

Okay, quick impression of the Budweiser frogs,

then pretend to fall down,

then a fun fact straight into a group tickle,

ending with your closer... Desirable food item.

Phew!

- Evan: Yay! - Emery: Dad's home!

Bud... weis... er.

[Boys cheering] [Laughs]

Hit them hard and leave them wanting more.

Learned that from my father.

I idolized him,

and I saw him for like 10 minutes, total, my whole life.

The more time you spend with your kids,

the more chances they have

to realize you're just a guy, a mortal,

that your detachable thumb isn't magic

and those quarters aren't coming out of their ears,

they're coming out of your paycheck.

This is ridiculous.

You spend a lot of time with the boys.

Yeah, but not alone. You're always around.

You're my buffer... The bad cop to my good cop.

Wait, I thought I was the good cop...

Enforcing rules so that they can learn to live in society.

You're the bad cop...

Giving them treats and then confusing them

by making them think frogs can say the name of a beer.

You're right. I'm bad cop.

You shouldn't leave me alone with them.

Nice try.

Tomorrow, you're gonna spend the whole day

with the kids by yourself.

[Whining] But I'm sick.

[Country music plays]

[Indistinct conversation]

What is this? No standing around.

Well, we're just waiting for our orders to come out.

You have time to lean, you have time to clean.

Come on. ABM... always be moving.

You got it, boss. [Chuckles]

Really?

What? You didn't say how fast we had to be moving.

[In slow-motion] Ha, ha, ha. Good one.

Thank you for waiting.

Here's your Cattleman's To-Go.

I'm sorry. Is there any way we can eat it here?

The kids changed their minds.

Oh, yeah. Of course.

There's plenty of tables. Sit anywhere you like.

Hey. I don't know if you know this,

we don't get tips on those orders,

so if you let them eat here,

we'll have to clean up after as if they dined in.

All the work and no tip?

Got it. I didn't know that.

Great. Thanks.

[Exhales sharply]

You can do this. It's just a few hours.

They are your sons. You made them.

It depends on what you value on the island...

Entertainment or strength.

Eat me, you lose both.

Dad.

You're not gonna leave to get coffee again, are you?

Nope. How about some Chris Farley?

I'm Tommy Boy.

"Fat guy in a little coat.

Tommy likey. Tommy want wingy."

Why did the fish get a bad report card?

Because all his grades were under sea/C!

Fun fact... There are no naturally occurring blue foods.

Even blueberries are purple.

Also, it's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open.

Ah-choo! See? Oreos?

Dad, are you okay?

You heard your mom. Time for bed.

Mom's not here.

And it's the middle of the day.

Uh... I-I know. I knew that.

I was just seeing if you knew that,

and you passed the test like school... homework... home test!

[Laughs nervously]

[Thinking] You're flailing. You got nothing left.

They're gonna realize you're a fraud if you don't do something.

Come on. Think. Think!

Let's watch TV!

Grandma's watching her movies.

Uh, it's okay.

I'm sure she'll make an exception for her baby boy.

Hey, Ma?

Would you mind if the boys and I watched TV for a bit?

_

_

Now what are we gonna do, Dad?

Uh...

we can watch this movie. [Chuckles]

This movie?

[Deep voice] Look out, we're here to buy my brother some sunglasses.

[High-pitched voice] One minute.

[Deep voice] One minute, little bro.

Hi, my name is John Paul,

but my friends call me Disco Dave.

You guys got a great place here.

Well-built.

You can tell the beams are solid.

I'm not getting sunglasses,

'cause I just bought this awesome watch.

[High-pitched voice] I have a watch, but it's old.

[Deep voice] Well, I'll be. Girls.

[High-pitched sigh]

Don't look now. There's Paul.

[Deep voice] You ladies buying me a present?

[High-pitched voice] Yeah, we're trying to buy you a life.

[Giggles] Good one, Anne.

[Normal voice] Hey, cool sunglasses, dude.

Yeah, super cool. [Chuckles]

He looks like my uncle.

[Chuckles]

_

Can we draw on your cast?

Uh, sure! [Chuckles]

Yes, you can draw whatever you want.

Really?

Well, no butts.

[All groan]

Okay... butts.

All: Yay!

I call the black marker!

[Exhales sharply]

Table for two, please.

May I suggest instead of ordering

from the menu at your table,

you call in an order and then just eat it here?

That way, you don't have to pay a tip.

It's all part of our new service...

Cattleman's To-Go To Stay.

Saving money!

[Laughs]

I like the sound of that. [Laughs]

Speed dial. Line one.

[Telephone beeps] [Grunts]

[Telephone rings]

Cattleman's Ranch.

Uh, hi.

I'll have the hickory burger and some curly fries.

Excellent choice. [Chuckles]

My wife would like the club sandwich...

I want to switch to the steak salad.

Hold on a second.

What do you want, now?

I want a steak salad, no dressing.

You don't want the club sandwich anymore?

You sure?

'Cause I got them on the phone now.

She'd like the steak salad, no sauce.

No sauce.

[Thinking] Dear God. They're almost done.

When did they learn to draw so fast?

Dad, if we were stuck on an island,

which one of us would you eat?

Eddie.

Why wouldn't you pick me? I'm young, like veal.

I thought you didn't want to get eaten.

Not by you.

But Dad? I'd be honored if he ate me.

Well, I guess that's it. We're out of space.

Already?

Dad, are you okay? You're sweating.

[Stammers] Uh, yeah.

[Chuckles] It's just this cast.

It's itchy, probably got a rash.

All: Gross.

[Country music plays]

That order was called in over an hour ago.

Nobody's come to pick it up yet?

Guess not.

Why would somebody call in an order

and then not pick it up?

I don't know.

Pfft, a lot of forgetful people out there.

Right. Forgetful.

Calling in fake orders?

Making us waste food and lose money.

[Chuckles nervously]

[Telephone rings]

Cattleman's Ranch To-Go.

Man: Yes, hello.

I'd like to place an order for a To-Go To Stay.

Oh, you would, would you?

It's for my T-ball team.

They're what you'd call "big boys."

[Chuckles]

Well, I've got my pen right here.

I'm ready when you are.

We'll take 20 double cheeseburgers...

Mm-hmm.

- 15 hot dogs... - Yep.

- 15 chili fries... - Yeah.

- And all the ice cream sundaes you got. - Sounds good.

I know it's you, Mitch!

[Gruffly] "T-ball burgers."

Nice try, okay? Nice try.

It's not me. I'm right here.

I think you just blew a huge order.

[Sighs] Louis, your staff is...

Hey, honey. How was your day?

How was your drive home?

Did they fill in that pothole over on 5th Avenue?

I sure hope so.

What's going on?

Nothing. I'm just happy.

[Laughs]

Hey, how's To-Go going? Is it taking off?

N... [Gasps]

Oh!

What happened to your cast?

I let the boys cut it off. [Chuckles]

- Who says I'm not a fun dad? - Oh.

Can you put the blanket back? Wind is hurting my leg.

[Chuckles]

[Scoffs] What is taking so long?

We wouldn't be here if it wasn't for you.

You're still in shock from the pain

if you think this is my fault.

You forced me to spend hours alone with our kids.

That doesn't mean you let them cut off your cast.

I had to keep them entertained.

I did my Chris Farley, Grandma was watching a movie.

It was the only choice.

Where does this end, Louis?

I'm gonna find the doctor.

Excuse me. How long until you can see my husband?

We're pretty backed up.

I'm gonna guess a good six hours.

Six hours?

We don't normally take people

who let their children cut their cast off

because they were afraid of boring them

and move them to the top of the list.

Well, he's at least ahead

of that girl with the stomach thing, right?

[Whining] My stomach!

[Scoffs] She's faking.

If you'll excuse me,

I have to get back to the patients with serious, life-and-death problems.

[Sighs]

Where are the boys?

They were looking bored,

so I panicked and gave them $50 for the vending machine.

Listen, Louis.

The doctor was talking about life and death,

and it made me think.

We've never had the talk,

if something were to happen to you.

Jessica, I'm only getting my leg re-cast.

I know, I know, but it scared me.

Crazy things happen every day.

One second, you're here, the next...

It could happen at any moment.

I never really thought about it, but I guess that's true.

It's horrible to think about,

but God forbid you should leave us.

My boys. My family.

And I would be left to manage on my own...

without the ability to fire anyone at the restaurant.

What?

Is... Is that what... No! No firings!

[Scoffs] Fine.

Well, if you're not gonna let me fire them,

then you should.

Louis, they're lazy, insubordinate.

They don't care about our business.

They're worse than goldfish, Louis.

They're catfish.

They're the garbagemen of the lake.

Wait. Where are you going? You can't leave me alone.

Spend time with your kids.

[Sighs]

[Country music plays]

[Children's laughter]

The big boys.

They're real. [Fork snaps]

I broke another fork.

New one coming up.

This pepper's out.

I'll refill it right away.

Here you go.

Mitts!

[Laughter]

Uh, no problem. I'll clean that up.

Mitch. What's going on?

The T-ball team who called in their to-go order...

They showed up wanting their food, so we scrambled.

You could've just told them I never wrote down their order.

Yeah, but it's a huge order for the restaurant.

Plus, it's our job.

I need you back out there, Mitch.

I'm drowning in cobs!

Excuse me. Are you the coach?

I guess. But, hell, they teach me a lot, too.

I'm glad you're enjoying your food.

As you can see, our staff worked really hard for you today,

so it'd be nice if you could leave them a tip.

No. We ordered To-Go To Stay so we wouldn't have to leave a tip.

I understand, They but this is a huge party.

That's why we're undefeated.

Speaking of which, we got to go. We got a game in 10 minutes.

Woof down those sundaes, and grab your bats, boys.

[Indistinct conversation]

So, they eat like this and then they go play?

To be young, right?

[Scoffs] Yeah, right.

What's this?

It's your tip.

But they didn't leave one.

It's on me. To-Go To Stay is done.

Really?

Well, it was my mistake for not taking their order,

and I appreciate you stepping up and doing a good job.

You're not goldfish...

or catfish.

Thank you.

T-t-that's really nice of you to say.

You know, it is customary to tip at least 10%.

Don't push it.

Eddie: Sorry we took so long.

We cleaned out these vending machines,

so we had to go up to the fourth floor.

This is actually the sixth floor,

so we went down to the fourth floor.

Congratulations. You win directions.

It's over.

What is?

This whole thing. I'm done.

Your mother's gone.

We're stuck here for another five hours.

I have no cast to cut off, no impressions to do,

no coffee to get.

My leg's broken. I'm a real mess.

[Sighs]

I am not a fun dad.

What?

It's all an illusion.

Every night, I come home,

do two minutes of smoke and mirrors

to make you think I'm funny and cool and interesting,

but the truth is, I'm not.

Okay.

Okay?

Yeah. We're cool with just chilling out.

I mean, we love your energy,

but we don't have to do it every night.

Honestly, sometimes it's a bit much.

My tight-two? You love my tight-two.

Mm...

Sometimes it could be a tight-one.

So we can just... sit here?

Yeah. Fine with us.

And you're not gonna get bored?

You don't need me to entertain you?

No. You're our dad.

We just like it when you're around.

I'd let you guys eat me.

Thanks, dude.

Guys, your mom would immediately cook and eat us all.

Oh.

Yeah. Yeah.

[Saw whirring]

So happy to have this thing off

[chuckles] again.

Dr. Mellanby: Yep.

Despite the initial setback,

the x-rays show that the leg healed nicely.

Everything looks great, as you can see.

[Screams]

You call this fixed?

Way is this all wither?

The muscle mass will eventually rebuild.

I had a man's leg. This is a baby leg.

I don't want a baby's leg. Where is my leg?

Doesn't smell like a baby leg.

sync and corrected by ninh www.addic7ed.com

Repair and Synchronization by Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0