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[Upbeat Christmas music plays]
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Jessica: You're a good singer,
Mrs. Shelmerdine.
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In fact...Promotion.
4
00:00:17,713 --> 00:00:21,048
You can take that shaky alto to the mines,
Nurse Watkins.
5
00:00:22,718 --> 00:00:24,985
Ooh, Jessica Town is looking great.
[Squeals]
6
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[Chuckles]
7
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Except I hate seeing that
empty hole every year.
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Can't believe instead of a bakery,
9
00:00:31,060 --> 00:00:33,094
I accidentally bought two bookshops.
10
00:00:33,129 --> 00:00:35,283
Now they're in competition.
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I'll never stop trying to hunt down
12
00:00:40,403 --> 00:00:42,403
that Dickens village "white horse bakery,"
13
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item number 5926-9.
14
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It's my white whale.
15
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Is that from "Moby Dick"?
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I feel like that's one of those books
17
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everybody says they've read,
18
00:00:49,879 --> 00:00:51,045
but nobody's actually read it.
19
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You never read "Moby Dick"?
20
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It's an amazing story.
21
00:00:53,883 --> 00:00:56,283
No, I know. I read it.
22
00:00:56,319 --> 00:00:58,953
I see you haven't changed
your views on Santa.
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00:00:58,988 --> 00:01:00,988
Well, there's room for improvement.
24
00:01:01,023 --> 00:01:02,756
He flies around the globe in one night
25
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to give the whole world presents.
26
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What's there to improve? [Sighs]
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He has no higher degree.
28
00:01:07,663 --> 00:01:08,829
If you break it down,
29
00:01:08,865 --> 00:01:11,699
he's either a toy maker or
a glorified deliveryman.
30
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Either way, he's labor, not management.
31
00:01:13,970 --> 00:01:16,470
Look how long it took
him to promote Rudolph.
32
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Clearly not good at spotting talent.
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And at his weight,
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he shouldn't be eating milk and
cookies at every single house.
35
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No, he should just pack himself
36
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a little bag of almonds and a pear.
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Irish mayor.
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[Chuckling] Always drinking.
39
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[Both chuckle]
40
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S02E10
The Real Santa
41
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fresh off the boat
42
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I'm gettin' mine everywhere I go
43
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if you don't know,
homey, now you know
44
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fresh off the boat
45
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homey,
you don't know where I come from
46
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but I know where I'm goin'
47
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I'm fresh off the boat
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sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
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[Christmas music plays]
50
00:02:00,449 --> 00:02:05,142
_
51
00:02:10,159 --> 00:02:12,526
This is my new version
of Eddie's pimp walk.
52
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I call it jazz walk.
53
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No. This is jazz walk.
54
00:02:25,808 --> 00:02:26,740
[Chuckles]
55
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I took intro to Bob Fosse
56
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as an elective sophomore year.
57
00:02:29,478 --> 00:02:31,078
- You did?
- I sure did.
58
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Oh, okay.
59
00:02:33,182 --> 00:02:34,582
Louis, I did it.
60
00:02:34,617 --> 00:02:35,783
I improved Santa.
61
00:02:35,818 --> 00:02:37,985
What do you mean "improved"?
62
00:02:38,020 --> 00:02:40,921
Dad, did you know Santa was
an aeronautical engineer
63
00:02:40,957 --> 00:02:42,923
and an accomplished scientist?
64
00:02:42,959 --> 00:02:43,958
Oh, really?
65
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I thought he was just a jolly guy
66
00:02:45,494 --> 00:02:46,694
who comes at Christmas.
67
00:02:46,729 --> 00:02:49,263
He is, but he also went to Princeton.
68
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Mom said he studied every night
69
00:02:51,400 --> 00:02:52,967
and didn't waste time on girls or beer.
70
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He prefers for people to
focus on his charity work,
71
00:02:55,871 --> 00:02:57,871
but the money he made from science
72
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is what pays for all the toys.
73
00:03:00,142 --> 00:03:01,275
It makes sense.
74
00:03:01,310 --> 00:03:03,310
He must know physics to
build a flying sleigh.
75
00:03:03,346 --> 00:03:07,147
And if he owns the patent,
he must be M.C. Hammer rich!
76
00:03:07,183 --> 00:03:10,451
Or maybe it's just a part
of the Christmas magic!
77
00:03:12,088 --> 00:03:13,387
What are you doing?
78
00:03:13,422 --> 00:03:14,822
What aren't I doing?
79
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[Sighs] You shouldn't mess with tradition.
80
00:03:16,826 --> 00:03:18,959
Why'd you have to
"improve Santa" all of a sudden?
81
00:03:18,995 --> 00:03:20,594
Because, Louis.
82
00:03:20,630 --> 00:03:23,464
Evan deserves for Santa to be the best.
83
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We've got the Cattleman's
Ranch breakfast with Santa
84
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at the restaurant tomorrow.
85
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What happens if Evan asks him
86
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a bunch of math and science questions?
87
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Just tell whoever's playing Santa
88
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to brush up on their algebra,
physics, and basic trig.
89
00:03:35,111 --> 00:03:36,810
Mitch is playing Santa.
90
00:03:37,813 --> 00:03:39,113
Can we split the check, please?
91
00:03:39,148 --> 00:03:40,547
Sure.
92
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We need to find a new Santa.
93
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Okay, well, we need an older white guy
94
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with an advanced degree
95
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who enjoys children sitting in his lap.
96
00:03:54,130 --> 00:03:56,163
I'd love to play Santa. [Gasps]
97
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[Laughter]
98
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Oh, and I can do his makeup!
99
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I interned as a makeup artist
100
00:04:00,736 --> 00:04:03,037
- for the traveling tour of "Cats."
- Ahh.
101
00:04:03,072 --> 00:04:04,605
Was that the summer you were a lesbian?
102
00:04:04,640 --> 00:04:07,608
Good memory! But no.
103
00:04:07,643 --> 00:04:08,909
No, it was the previous summer,
104
00:04:08,944 --> 00:04:10,611
when I met that woman who
owned the cranberry bog.
105
00:04:10,646 --> 00:04:11,779
Oh, right.
106
00:04:11,814 --> 00:04:13,047
- Mm.
- Right.
107
00:04:13,082 --> 00:04:15,449
Anyway, it'd be an honor to play Santa.
108
00:04:15,484 --> 00:04:16,817
[Laughs] Oh, great!
109
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- It's gonna be so much fun!
- Yeah.
110
00:04:20,523 --> 00:04:23,090
Now, this binder contains
equations that support the math
111
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of Santa's transcontinental one-day flight.
112
00:04:25,161 --> 00:04:27,494
And this binder contains
the complete history
113
00:04:27,530 --> 00:04:30,464
of Santa and Evan's interactions
over the past five years.
114
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Oh.
115
00:04:31,534 --> 00:04:33,033
I know it's a lot, but Evan's smart.
116
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Uh, well, he's met his match.
117
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I mean, you don't get to be one
of Orlando's top 100 dentists
118
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by not being smart.
119
00:04:39,241 --> 00:04:40,874
Oh, what number in the top 100 are you?
120
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I have it all under control.
Don't worry about it.
121
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[Laughs]
122
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I wonder what Lorraine is up to. [Chuckles]
123
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Isn't it funny how people just
come into your life, and...
124
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- Yeah.
- ...then go?
125
00:04:57,193 --> 00:04:58,492
Eddie: What's this noise?
126
00:04:58,527 --> 00:04:59,793
My Christmas present for mom.
127
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It's an exact replica of the
"white horse bakery"
128
00:05:02,131 --> 00:05:04,231
that's missing from Jessica town.
129
00:05:05,901 --> 00:05:07,768
What are you gonna get mom for Christmas?
130
00:05:07,803 --> 00:05:09,002
I don't know.
131
00:05:09,038 --> 00:05:10,704
Well, when are you gonna figure it out?
132
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I don't know.
133
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Thoughtful presents are always appreciated.
134
00:05:14,243 --> 00:05:16,844
Remember last year when I
wrote that historical novel
135
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based on grandma's life, "A pearl for God"?
136
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She loved it.
137
00:05:20,282 --> 00:05:21,548
Did she, though?
138
00:05:21,584 --> 00:05:22,416
Grandma!
139
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Grandma huang: What?
140
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You got to come here!
141
00:05:28,391 --> 00:05:31,358
What did Emery get you
last year for Christmas?
142
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The historical novel.
143
00:05:34,630 --> 00:05:36,556
_
144
00:05:37,265 --> 00:05:39,459
_
145
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_
146
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- What?
- And what did I get you?
147
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_
148
00:05:48,922 --> 00:05:53,044
_
149
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We wish you a merry breakfast!
150
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Eat up and come meet Santa! [Chuckles]
151
00:06:03,926 --> 00:06:06,059
Oh, try our peppermint cornbread!
152
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Sounds gross, but tastes...
153
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Freshens your breath!
154
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I can't wait to talk to
Santa about science and math!
155
00:06:14,303 --> 00:06:16,770
Great,
but don't ask Santa too many questions.
156
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He's a busy man.
157
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He has enough time to
spend two hours every night
158
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talking to his mother over tea.
159
00:06:22,678 --> 00:06:24,912
She will always be his favorite woman.
160
00:06:27,516 --> 00:06:29,016
Eddie: What happened to your hands?
161
00:06:29,051 --> 00:06:32,219
I burnt my fingers using the
hot-glue gun on mom's present.
162
00:06:32,254 --> 00:06:34,221
We have a hot-glue gun?
163
00:06:34,256 --> 00:06:36,723
Why haven't we glued Evan to the wall yet?
164
00:06:37,893 --> 00:06:39,126
Okay, guys!
165
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I just got word that Santa has arrived!
166
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[Squeals]
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Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho!
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00:06:45,301 --> 00:06:47,034
Merry Christmas!
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Santa!
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Come, we have so much to discuss!
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[Laughs]
172
00:06:56,579 --> 00:06:57,911
So, to calculate lift,
173
00:06:57,947 --> 00:07:00,514
it's coefficient times density
times the velocity squared
174
00:07:00,549 --> 00:07:02,716
times the area of the wing divided by two.
175
00:07:02,751 --> 00:07:05,285
And that's factoring in
Rudolph's body weight?
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Absolutely.
177
00:07:06,889 --> 00:07:08,655
We wouldn't want to fly too low
178
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and clip off the chimney tops.
179
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[Chuckles] Heaven forbid!
180
00:07:12,828 --> 00:07:13,794
[Laughs]
181
00:07:13,829 --> 00:07:15,796
Marvin really looks like Santa.
182
00:07:15,831 --> 00:07:17,798
Is that a prosthetic nose?
183
00:07:17,833 --> 00:07:20,267
Yep. It's the same one
I used on Skimbleshanks.
184
00:07:20,302 --> 00:07:22,402
That means nothing to me.
185
00:07:22,438 --> 00:07:26,306
[Gasps] Anyway,
I know it's not Christmas yet, but...
186
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I found you the perfect gift,
and I couldn't wait.
187
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[Gasps] Oh!
188
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The bakery?!
189
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What the Mary? [Laughs]
190
00:07:35,084 --> 00:07:36,350
How did you get this?!
191
00:07:36,385 --> 00:07:37,484
Oh, Marvin's first wife
192
00:07:37,520 --> 00:07:39,586
left a box of Christmas
decorations in the garage,
193
00:07:39,622 --> 00:07:41,188
and this was in there.
194
00:07:41,223 --> 00:07:42,923
And some cocaine.
195
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Like I said, there were some
problems before I came along.
196
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I love it! Yay!
197
00:07:46,562 --> 00:07:47,861
Oh, thank you so much! [Giggles]
198
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You're welcome.
199
00:07:48,764 --> 00:07:49,997
Santa was great!
200
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He's so smart, and...
201
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Ho, ho, ho!
202
00:07:53,869 --> 00:07:55,302
Ho, ho...
203
00:07:55,337 --> 00:07:57,037
no!
204
00:07:57,072 --> 00:07:58,438
Who the hell is that?
205
00:07:58,474 --> 00:08:00,107
I'm Santa!
206
00:08:00,142 --> 00:08:05,879
Wait. If this Santa's Mitch,
then who's that Santa?
207
00:08:16,554 --> 00:08:19,054
[Indistinct conversations]
208
00:08:22,059 --> 00:08:23,792
What's going on?
209
00:08:24,962 --> 00:08:26,462
[Sighs]
210
00:08:26,497 --> 00:08:28,997
You know what, Evan?
It's time you know the truth.
211
00:08:29,033 --> 00:08:29,865
Jessica...
212
00:08:29,900 --> 00:08:31,734
He's figured it out, Louis.
213
00:08:31,769 --> 00:08:34,431
We have no choice but to come clean.
214
00:08:35,701 --> 00:08:38,191
Evan, we've been lying to you.
215
00:08:38,576 --> 00:08:40,042
This Santa is Mitch.
216
00:08:40,077 --> 00:08:41,777
And look.
217
00:08:41,812 --> 00:08:43,612
This Santa is Marvin. [Chuckles]
218
00:08:44,582 --> 00:08:46,615
Both of these Santas are fake
219
00:08:46,650 --> 00:08:49,451
because the real Santa...
220
00:08:49,486 --> 00:08:50,586
is Chinese.
221
00:08:50,621 --> 00:08:51,920
What? What?
222
00:08:51,956 --> 00:08:53,689
Santa's Chinese?
223
00:08:53,724 --> 00:08:55,057
Yes!
224
00:08:55,092 --> 00:08:58,527
Why do you think all the toys
he delivers say "made in China"?
225
00:08:58,562 --> 00:08:59,494
Right, Louis?
226
00:08:59,530 --> 00:09:01,730
Uh, right. Right.
227
00:09:01,765 --> 00:09:03,265
[Stammering]
228
00:09:03,300 --> 00:09:05,634
How about how Santa wears a red suit?
229
00:09:05,669 --> 00:09:07,970
Nothing more Chinese than the color red.
230
00:09:08,005 --> 00:09:09,838
I've never seen a Chinese Santa.
231
00:09:09,873 --> 00:09:11,940
Oh! O-oh, of course you haven't.
232
00:09:11,976 --> 00:09:15,177
Real Santa doesn't have the
time to be standing around
233
00:09:15,212 --> 00:09:17,112
ringing a bell on every street corner.
234
00:09:17,147 --> 00:09:18,647
Then why all the white Santas?
235
00:09:18,682 --> 00:09:21,283
Uh, well,
remember when I first opened Cattleman's
236
00:09:21,318 --> 00:09:24,186
and hired Mitch to be the
white face of the restaurant?
237
00:09:24,221 --> 00:09:26,288
Chinese Santa's doing the same thing.
238
00:09:26,323 --> 00:09:30,759
Ah, all those white Santas are
just Chinese Santa's Mitches.
239
00:09:30,794 --> 00:09:32,761
Oh.
240
00:09:33,259 --> 00:09:35,797
Never knew this. [Chuckles]
241
00:09:37,067 --> 00:09:39,134
I can't believe honey got mom the bakery.
242
00:09:39,169 --> 00:09:41,069
Christmas is days away,
and I've got nothing.
243
00:09:41,105 --> 00:09:42,270
Ah, yes.
244
00:09:42,306 --> 00:09:44,640
This is a position I've been in many times.
245
00:09:44,675 --> 00:09:46,642
If I don't come up with something for mom,
246
00:09:46,677 --> 00:09:48,610
it'd be weird to give dad his present.
247
00:09:50,147 --> 00:09:51,780
Ooh! Is that made of chocolate?
248
00:09:51,815 --> 00:09:53,015
What am I gonna do?
249
00:09:53,050 --> 00:09:54,783
This is what you're gonna do.
250
00:09:54,818 --> 00:09:56,418
I got you.
251
00:09:56,453 --> 00:09:57,586
You ready?
252
00:09:57,621 --> 00:09:58,754
You're gonna...
253
00:09:58,789 --> 00:10:00,358
Let it ride!
254
00:10:01,392 --> 00:10:02,457
What?
255
00:10:02,493 --> 00:10:05,107
I said... "Let it ride!"
256
00:10:05,629 --> 00:10:06,795
What does that mean?
257
00:10:06,830 --> 00:10:07,896
You don't do anything,
258
00:10:07,931 --> 00:10:09,998
and then somehow it just works itself out.
259
00:10:10,034 --> 00:10:11,933
The best action is inaction.
260
00:10:11,969 --> 00:10:13,535
It's one of Newton's laws.
261
00:10:13,570 --> 00:10:14,369
No, it's not.
262
00:10:14,405 --> 00:10:15,604
Agree to disagree.
263
00:10:15,639 --> 00:10:17,266
[Sighs]
264
00:10:17,826 --> 00:10:20,175
Okay,
ready to go to Evan's holiday pageant?
265
00:10:20,210 --> 00:10:21,643
Ooh, are those zongzi?
266
00:10:21,679 --> 00:10:23,245
Uh! These are for Chinese Santa.
267
00:10:23,280 --> 00:10:25,180
They're filled with proteins and mung bean
268
00:10:25,215 --> 00:10:27,249
because Santa is training
for a half marathon.
269
00:10:27,284 --> 00:10:28,984
All right.
270
00:10:29,019 --> 00:10:31,787
I only went along with you at
Cattleman's because of Evan,
271
00:10:31,822 --> 00:10:33,622
but you've got to stop fixing Santa.
272
00:10:33,657 --> 00:10:36,058
I'm done. Santa's fixed.
273
00:10:36,093 --> 00:10:37,659
I made him the best.
274
00:10:37,695 --> 00:10:40,731
I've been thinking about
what you said about Santa.
275
00:10:41,999 --> 00:10:44,046
It totally makes sense!
276
00:10:44,260 --> 00:10:46,535
Smart enough to understand
the science of flight,
277
00:10:46,570 --> 00:10:48,804
yet small enough to fit down a chimney?
278
00:10:48,839 --> 00:10:50,922
That dude Chinese.
279
00:10:55,412 --> 00:10:56,578
Boom.
280
00:10:56,613 --> 00:10:58,080
What's this?
281
00:10:58,115 --> 00:11:00,849
It's a poem I wrote for mom that
we can say is from both of us.
282
00:11:00,884 --> 00:11:04,119
"Dear mama, place no one above ya.
283
00:11:04,154 --> 00:11:07,055
Sweet lady, you are appreciated.
284
00:11:07,091 --> 00:11:08,890
Don't ya know we love ya?"
285
00:11:08,926 --> 00:11:10,325
This is pretty good.
286
00:11:10,360 --> 00:11:11,426
I know.
287
00:11:11,462 --> 00:11:13,228
But some of this doesn't make sense.
288
00:11:13,263 --> 00:11:17,232
Like, why'd you say,
"even as a crack fiend, mama,
289
00:11:17,267 --> 00:11:19,301
you always was a black queen, mama"?
290
00:11:19,336 --> 00:11:21,503
It's poetry, man. Don't be so literal.
291
00:11:21,538 --> 00:11:23,538
I do have a logical brain.
292
00:11:23,574 --> 00:11:25,640
That's why I could never
enjoy nursery rhymes,
293
00:11:25,676 --> 00:11:27,175
like three pigs live in a house,
294
00:11:27,211 --> 00:11:30,412
an old woman lives in a shoe,
bears eat porridge...
295
00:11:30,447 --> 00:11:32,114
it's silly is what it is!
296
00:11:32,149 --> 00:11:34,783
I like this intensity, Emery.
297
00:11:34,818 --> 00:11:37,619
We should channel this into
something more positive.
298
00:11:40,724 --> 00:11:42,758
That's awesome! Mom's gonna love it.
299
00:11:42,793 --> 00:11:44,960
Hey, I'm gonna go get a soda.
300
00:11:44,995 --> 00:11:46,628
You're not coming back, are you?
301
00:11:46,663 --> 00:11:48,230
Nope.
302
00:11:50,534 --> 00:11:51,633
[Applause]
303
00:11:51,668 --> 00:11:54,436
Welcome, 3rd-grade students and parents.
304
00:11:54,471 --> 00:11:56,138
As you know, every year,
305
00:11:56,173 --> 00:11:58,740
our faculty likes to put on a holiday show
306
00:11:58,776 --> 00:12:01,610
as a thank-you for your
hard work and dedication.
307
00:12:01,645 --> 00:12:03,678
[Applause] Whoo!
308
00:12:03,714 --> 00:12:07,682
In our past shows,
we've had visits from Santa, Rudolph,
309
00:12:07,718 --> 00:12:10,585
and little-people elves, who, with gusto,
310
00:12:10,621 --> 00:12:13,796
threw themselves into the
crowd to be passed around.
311
00:12:16,627 --> 00:12:19,594
However, a new state law was just passed
312
00:12:19,630 --> 00:12:21,496
called "Kathy's rule,"
313
00:12:21,532 --> 00:12:24,666
which prohibits any religious, spiritual,
314
00:12:24,701 --> 00:12:29,304
or gender-y connotations in
state-funded children's theater.
315
00:12:29,339 --> 00:12:35,673
So this year, please welcome the
pan-cultural seasonal entity.
316
00:12:37,214 --> 00:12:39,481
I respect you!
317
00:12:41,151 --> 00:12:43,151
[Audience murmuring]
318
00:12:43,187 --> 00:12:44,886
Where's Santa?
319
00:12:44,922 --> 00:12:47,022
Firmly rooted in Christian tradition,
320
00:12:47,057 --> 00:12:49,558
unlike Panny here, who is all things
321
00:12:49,593 --> 00:12:52,327
because it is nothing.
322
00:12:52,362 --> 00:12:55,997
But it's Christmas. There should be Santa.
323
00:12:56,033 --> 00:12:57,632
[Audience murmurs in agreement]
324
00:12:57,668 --> 00:12:59,234
Santa's the best.
325
00:12:59,269 --> 00:13:02,037
[Applause]
326
00:13:02,072 --> 00:13:04,539
He's kind and generous and caring.
327
00:13:04,575 --> 00:13:06,641
- He sure is.
- That's right.
328
00:13:07,711 --> 00:13:09,845
And he's Chinese!
329
00:13:12,349 --> 00:13:13,782
[Audience murmuring]
330
00:13:16,920 --> 00:13:20,222
Who wants to see Panny dance?
331
00:13:26,232 --> 00:13:27,999
[Indistinct shouting]
332
00:13:28,034 --> 00:13:29,700
Santa is not Chinese!
333
00:13:29,736 --> 00:13:31,269
Yes, he is!
334
00:13:31,304 --> 00:13:32,503
That doesn't even make sense!
335
00:13:32,538 --> 00:13:34,372
Okay, everybody calm down!
336
00:13:34,407 --> 00:13:36,007
Stop yelling at children!
337
00:13:36,042 --> 00:13:38,109
And why can't Santa be Chinese?
338
00:13:38,144 --> 00:13:40,912
Everybody's on board with a fat
man flying around the world,
339
00:13:40,947 --> 00:13:42,847
just so long as he's white?
340
00:13:42,882 --> 00:13:45,716
Santa's not fat! He's big-boned!
341
00:13:45,752 --> 00:13:48,753
[Shouting continues]
342
00:13:50,490 --> 00:13:53,524
Don't ya know we love ya, sweet lady?
343
00:13:53,559 --> 00:13:55,960
Dear mama
344
00:13:55,995 --> 00:13:58,729
place no one above ya, sweet lady
345
00:13:58,765 --> 00:14:01,832
you are appreciated
346
00:14:01,868 --> 00:14:04,368
...all the sweet
things you did for me
347
00:14:04,404 --> 00:14:07,004
and even though I act crazy
348
00:14:07,040 --> 00:14:09,640
I gotta thank the
lord that you made me
349
00:14:09,676 --> 00:14:12,443
Eddie!
350
00:14:12,478 --> 00:14:14,191
you never kept a secret
351
00:14:14,471 --> 00:14:15,513
_
352
00:14:15,548 --> 00:14:17,715
and I appreciatehow you raised me
353
00:14:17,750 --> 00:14:19,617
Eddie, you didn't write a poem.
354
00:14:19,652 --> 00:14:21,385
You plagiarized a rap song.
355
00:14:21,421 --> 00:14:23,354
I didn't plagiarize.
356
00:14:23,389 --> 00:14:24,789
I sampled.
357
00:14:24,824 --> 00:14:27,625
We can't give mom 2Pac
lyrics as her present.
358
00:14:27,660 --> 00:14:29,026
Christmas is two days away.
359
00:14:29,062 --> 00:14:30,675
What are we gonna do?
360
00:14:31,731 --> 00:14:32,763
Don't say it.
361
00:14:32,799 --> 00:14:34,532
Let it ride!
362
00:14:34,567 --> 00:14:35,985
No kick?
363
00:14:36,436 --> 00:14:37,935
I'm wearing umbros.
364
00:14:37,971 --> 00:14:39,670
Don't want you to get an eyeful.
365
00:14:39,706 --> 00:14:41,212
You feel me.
366
00:14:42,842 --> 00:14:45,710
Well, that got out of hand fast.
367
00:14:45,745 --> 00:14:47,645
I can't believe they chased that gray blob
368
00:14:47,680 --> 00:14:48,713
through the parking lot.
369
00:14:48,748 --> 00:14:50,614
You guys know me! I'm Paul Andrews!
370
00:14:50,650 --> 00:14:51,716
Chrissy's father!
371
00:14:51,751 --> 00:14:53,217
Cut him off!
372
00:14:55,621 --> 00:14:57,455
Evan, are you okay?
373
00:14:57,490 --> 00:14:58,522
I'm just confused.
374
00:14:58,558 --> 00:15:00,024
You said Santa's not white,
375
00:15:00,059 --> 00:15:02,560
and everyone at school
says he's not Chinese.
376
00:15:02,595 --> 00:15:04,439
I don't know what to believe.
377
00:15:06,995 --> 00:15:09,200
I-I didn't mean for this to happen.
378
00:15:09,235 --> 00:15:13,237
I just... I just wanted to
make Santa the best for him.
379
00:15:13,272 --> 00:15:14,372
I know you did.
380
00:15:14,407 --> 00:15:17,808
I need to find a way to make this right.
381
00:15:20,013 --> 00:15:22,580
Honey, I need your help.
382
00:15:25,785 --> 00:15:27,398
[Creaking]
383
00:15:37,764 --> 00:15:39,497
[Rustling]
384
00:15:41,367 --> 00:15:43,034
Santa?
385
00:15:46,172 --> 00:15:48,439
Santa is Chinese!
386
00:15:48,474 --> 00:15:50,041
Yes.
387
00:15:53,079 --> 00:15:54,945
But you're a woman.
388
00:15:54,981 --> 00:15:57,081
Yes.
389
00:15:57,116 --> 00:15:58,549
Then why do you have a beard?
390
00:15:58,584 --> 00:16:00,684
This is mole hair.
391
00:16:00,720 --> 00:16:06,357
It all grows out of two very lucky moles.
392
00:16:06,392 --> 00:16:08,426
I've never heard of a woman Santa.
393
00:16:08,461 --> 00:16:11,729
You think a man is thoughtful enough
394
00:16:11,764 --> 00:16:15,433
to give presents to everyone in the world?
395
00:16:15,468 --> 00:16:19,236
Do you think a man is organized enough
396
00:16:19,272 --> 00:16:24,008
to make a list of the behavior
of every single boy and girl?
397
00:16:24,043 --> 00:16:28,679
You know those street signs that say
"men at work"?
398
00:16:28,714 --> 00:16:33,284
Women don't need those
because it is understood.
399
00:16:33,319 --> 00:16:35,753
But all the Santas I
ever see are white men.
400
00:16:35,788 --> 00:16:38,155
They all work for me.
401
00:16:38,191 --> 00:16:41,292
I am the wholesaler.
402
00:16:41,327 --> 00:16:44,328
They are my middlemen.
403
00:16:44,363 --> 00:16:46,964
But why are you here tonight?
404
00:16:46,999 --> 00:16:48,466
It's not Christmas Eve yet.
405
00:16:48,501 --> 00:16:52,203
I come on December 23rd...
406
00:16:52,238 --> 00:16:54,138
And I hide the presents.
407
00:16:54,173 --> 00:16:57,608
Then my white Santas come Christmas Eve
408
00:16:57,643 --> 00:17:00,544
and put the presents out under the tree.
409
00:17:00,580 --> 00:17:05,049
I allow them to take credit,
but I am the boss.
410
00:17:05,084 --> 00:17:07,585
This is why I am called...
411
00:17:07,620 --> 00:17:10,654
Lao ban Santa.
412
00:17:10,690 --> 00:17:12,490
Boss Santa!
413
00:17:12,525 --> 00:17:13,457
That's right.
414
00:17:13,493 --> 00:17:15,192
I'd better go.
415
00:17:15,228 --> 00:17:18,629
My Lebaron is idling in the driveway.
416
00:17:18,664 --> 00:17:20,364
You drive a Lebaron?
417
00:17:20,399 --> 00:17:21,665
It's a lease.
418
00:17:21,701 --> 00:17:24,373
Better for tax purposes.
419
00:17:26,005 --> 00:17:30,441
You must promise never
to tell anyone about me,
420
00:17:30,476 --> 00:17:33,310
not even your brothers.
421
00:17:33,346 --> 00:17:35,579
You are a special soul...
422
00:17:35,615 --> 00:17:40,885
one who believes in magic but
still has a scientific mind.
423
00:17:40,920 --> 00:17:42,453
Like me.
424
00:17:42,488 --> 00:17:44,755
So you are a scientist!
425
00:17:44,790 --> 00:17:46,290
Well, of course!
426
00:17:46,325 --> 00:17:50,427
I have a J.D., M.D., Dds, Phd,
427
00:17:50,463 --> 00:17:52,730
and I am a notary.
428
00:17:52,765 --> 00:17:56,066
Remember... always be the best.
429
00:17:56,102 --> 00:18:00,004
Study hard and eat more vegetables.
430
00:18:00,039 --> 00:18:03,107
My fat friend J.J. says
candy is America's vegetable.
431
00:18:03,142 --> 00:18:06,443
Maybe less time with J.J.
432
00:18:06,479 --> 00:18:08,312
Merry Christmas, Evan.
433
00:18:08,347 --> 00:18:10,548
Merry Christmas, Lao ban Santa.
434
00:18:41,414 --> 00:18:42,646
[Floorboard creaks]
435
00:18:42,682 --> 00:18:44,782
Evan? Everything okay?
436
00:18:44,817 --> 00:18:46,617
[Chuckles]
437
00:18:46,652 --> 00:18:48,419
Everything's great.
438
00:18:51,090 --> 00:18:52,289
[Door closes]
439
00:18:54,026 --> 00:18:55,125
Uh. Aah! Aah! [Muffled scream]
440
00:18:55,161 --> 00:18:57,228
Shh. I have a lot to tell you.
441
00:19:00,866 --> 00:19:03,867
"Guarding Tess." Thank you, Eddie.
442
00:19:05,204 --> 00:19:06,637
Why you so nervous, man?
443
00:19:06,672 --> 00:19:08,739
Because it's Christmas morning,
444
00:19:08,774 --> 00:19:12,142
and all I have for mom are
these film-canister earrings.
445
00:19:12,178 --> 00:19:13,644
This is not who I am.
446
00:19:13,679 --> 00:19:14,845
[Boomerang whooshes, glass breaks]
447
00:19:14,880 --> 00:19:15,846
Ooh!
448
00:19:16,051 --> 00:19:17,585
_
449
00:19:17,750 --> 00:19:19,350
Oh, no!
450
00:19:19,385 --> 00:19:20,951
It's the bakery!
451
00:19:20,987 --> 00:19:22,953
Mrs. Smithyman the shopkeeper
452
00:19:22,989 --> 00:19:26,323
was just getting over
her husband's suicide.
453
00:19:26,359 --> 00:19:27,291
Dark.
454
00:19:27,326 --> 00:19:29,827
Don't worry, mom. We got you.
455
00:19:31,430 --> 00:19:33,697
Emery made it.
456
00:19:33,733 --> 00:19:35,165
This is amazing.
457
00:19:35,201 --> 00:19:36,700
You made this by yourself?
458
00:19:36,736 --> 00:19:38,435
Yeah, it's perfect to scale.
459
00:19:38,471 --> 00:19:42,039
Thank you. I love it.
460
00:19:42,074 --> 00:19:43,607
And I made you these earrings.
461
00:19:43,643 --> 00:19:45,009
Thank you, Eddie.
462
00:19:45,044 --> 00:19:48,245
I'll put them with the paperclip
anklet you gave me last year.
463
00:19:50,816 --> 00:19:53,350
Maybe there is something
to thoughtful presents.
464
00:19:53,386 --> 00:19:56,420
I was gonna say maybe there's
something to letting it ride.
465
00:19:56,455 --> 00:19:57,888
You ready?
466
00:19:57,923 --> 00:20:00,491
One, two, three.
467
00:20:00,526 --> 00:20:02,126
Let it ride! Ha!
468
00:20:03,696 --> 00:20:06,430
It's like I'm kicking into a mirror.
469
00:20:07,400 --> 00:20:09,533
Wow, Evan, look how many presents
470
00:20:09,568 --> 00:20:11,502
Santa left you last night.
471
00:20:11,537 --> 00:20:12,670
Yes.
472
00:20:12,705 --> 00:20:15,439
So many presents from regular Santa,
473
00:20:15,474 --> 00:20:17,174
which he brought in last night.
474
00:20:30,585 --> 00:20:33,252
Come on.
We've been through this a million times.
475
00:20:33,287 --> 00:20:35,554
Everything you need to
know about Lao ban Santa
476
00:20:35,590 --> 00:20:37,056
is right here in these binders.
477
00:20:37,091 --> 00:20:39,592
Okay, so he comes...
478
00:20:39,627 --> 00:20:40,726
She.
479
00:20:40,762 --> 00:20:42,595
Right.
480
00:20:42,630 --> 00:20:45,898
She comes on December 23rd,
the Eve of Christmas Eve...
481
00:20:45,933 --> 00:20:46,932
Yes.
482
00:20:46,968 --> 00:20:49,335
...in a leased Lebaron because...?
483
00:20:49,370 --> 00:20:51,037
It's better for her taxes.
484
00:20:51,072 --> 00:20:53,939
Well, why doesn't she just buy
a truck and use that every year?
485
00:20:53,975 --> 00:20:55,374
Wouldn't that make more sense?
486
00:20:55,410 --> 00:20:57,476
Louis,
when a tradition has been established,
487
00:20:57,512 --> 00:20:59,845
you really shouldn't try to improve on it.
488
00:21:00,820 --> 00:21:03,779
sync and corrected by ninh
www.addic7ed.com
489
00:21:03,829 --> 00:21:08,379
Repair and Synchronization by
Easy Subtitles Synchronizer 1.0.0.0
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