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1
00:00:02,324 --> 00:00:03,824
( Madonna's "Open Your Heart"
playing )
2
00:00:03,825 --> 00:00:05,724
CHRIS:
Out of all the girls I liked growing up,
3
00:00:05,721 --> 00:00:07,186
the one that got to me
the most...
4
00:00:07,184 --> 00:00:09,116
( laughs )
...was Tasha.
5
00:00:09,113 --> 00:00:10,646
Boy, you so crazy.
6
00:00:10,644 --> 00:00:12,776
She was cute,
she liked my jokes,
7
00:00:12,773 --> 00:00:14,739
but the most important thing
about her
8
00:00:14,736 --> 00:00:16,768
was that she was
the girl next door.
9
00:00:16,765 --> 00:00:17,965
I'll see you later.
10
00:00:17,964 --> 00:00:19,495
Yeah, see you.
11
00:00:19,493 --> 00:00:21,826
Like real estate,
Tasha's biggest selling point
12
00:00:21,822 --> 00:00:24,487
was location,
location, location.
13
00:00:24,483 --> 00:00:27,016
I think I'm going to get Tasha
to be my girlfriend.
14
00:00:27,012 --> 00:00:28,511
Wow, what a coincidence.
15
00:00:28,509 --> 00:00:30,042
How's that?
I think I'm gonna get
16
00:00:30,040 --> 00:00:31,838
Janet Jackson
to be my girlfriend,
17
00:00:31,835 --> 00:00:33,534
and once we both achieve
the impossible,
18
00:00:33,532 --> 00:00:34,965
we can go
on a double date.
19
00:00:34,963 --> 00:00:36,328
We'll go
to the Playboy Mansion.
20
00:00:36,326 --> 00:00:37,959
And the girls will leave
with Pauly Shore.
21
00:00:37,957 --> 00:00:39,689
I'm serious, man, I
don't care what it takes.
22
00:00:39,687 --> 00:00:40,819
I'm going to get her.
23
00:00:40,817 --> 00:00:42,816
That line was spoken
by many people,
24
00:00:42,813 --> 00:00:44,345
most notably O.J. Simpson.
25
00:00:44,343 --> 00:00:46,676
I mean, I don't know why I've
been running all around town
26
00:00:46,673 --> 00:00:48,805
when there's a girl right
next door ready to be plucked.
27
00:00:48,802 --> 00:00:50,401
What if she doesn't want you
to pluck her?
28
00:00:50,398 --> 00:00:51,664
Somebody's got
to pluck her.
29
00:00:51,663 --> 00:00:53,362
What if somebody else
already plucked her?
30
00:00:53,359 --> 00:00:55,691
I don't care who's plucked her.
She's gonna get plucked by me.
31
00:00:55,688 --> 00:00:57,220
I wish there was
somebody I could pluck.
32
00:00:57,218 --> 00:01:00,017
Thank goodness these guys
are good with enunciation.
33
00:01:00,012 --> 00:01:01,645
I don't know why
I waited so long.
34
00:01:01,643 --> 00:01:03,041
I don't know,
maybe there's a reason
35
00:01:03,039 --> 00:01:04,272
you haven't gotten
with her.
36
00:01:04,271 --> 00:01:06,237
Maybe you're just
not supposed to be together.
37
00:01:06,234 --> 00:01:07,233
That's impossible.
38
00:01:07,232 --> 00:01:08,231
All right?
39
00:01:08,230 --> 00:01:10,596
She kissed me
on New Year's Eve.
40
00:01:10,592 --> 00:01:11,757
We were together
for Easter.
41
00:01:11,756 --> 00:01:13,655
She even got jealous
when I kissed that other girl
42
00:01:13,652 --> 00:01:16,017
while we were playing
spin the bottle.
43
00:01:16,013 --> 00:01:18,979
As far as I'm concerned,
all the signs are saying "go."
44
00:01:18,975 --> 00:01:20,341
But they don't say where to.
45
00:01:20,339 --> 00:01:21,572
What if she says no?
46
00:01:21,570 --> 00:01:23,302
Then I'll be
back here with you,
47
00:01:23,300 --> 00:01:26,365
but I'm going to have her
in my life or out.
48
00:01:26,360 --> 00:01:29,327
Oh, I can't imagine
how this might turn out.
49
00:01:42,828 --> 00:02:03,527
* Oh, make it funky now *
50
00:02:03,487 --> 00:02:07,519
( The Police's "Every Little
Thing She Does Is Magic" playing )
51
00:02:07,512 --> 00:02:09,211
Tasha, wait up.
52
00:02:09,209 --> 00:02:11,041
Since Tasha was
right next door,
53
00:02:11,038 --> 00:02:13,704
it was easy to find
the right time to make my move.
54
00:02:13,700 --> 00:02:14,699
Hey, Chris.
55
00:02:14,698 --> 00:02:16,130
Look at you,
looking all cute.
56
00:02:16,128 --> 00:02:18,794
What you got, some girl
you're trying to impress?
57
00:02:18,790 --> 00:02:20,456
Yeah... you.
58
00:02:20,453 --> 00:02:22,418
( laughing ):
Boy, you so crazy.
59
00:02:22,415 --> 00:02:24,114
Oh, I'm crazy all right.
60
00:02:24,112 --> 00:02:26,445
Tasha, I'm not crazy.
61
00:02:26,441 --> 00:02:28,773
I'm serious.
62
00:02:28,770 --> 00:02:30,202
* I just lose my nerve *
63
00:02:30,200 --> 00:02:31,666
I want to say
something to you,
64
00:02:31,664 --> 00:02:33,330
but I want to make it
very, very clear.
65
00:02:33,328 --> 00:02:34,360
Okay.
66
00:02:34,359 --> 00:02:35,525
What is it?
67
00:02:35,523 --> 00:02:36,954
I want you to be
my girlfriend.
68
00:02:36,952 --> 00:02:39,519
I'm already your
girl friend.
69
00:02:39,515 --> 00:02:43,647
No, not in like a friend who
just so happens to be a girl
70
00:02:43,640 --> 00:02:45,639
or like "Hey, girlfriend."
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00:02:45,636 --> 00:02:49,602
No, I want you
to be my girlfriend.
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00:02:49,595 --> 00:02:51,160
One word,
not two.
73
00:02:51,158 --> 00:02:52,324
Girlfriend,
as in
74
00:02:52,323 --> 00:02:54,522
"Chris and Tasha
are boyfriend and girlfriend."
75
00:02:54,519 --> 00:02:57,318
You want me to be
your girlfriend?
76
00:02:57,313 --> 00:02:58,579
Exactly.
77
00:02:58,577 --> 00:03:00,875
Hmm...
78
00:03:00,872 --> 00:03:02,672
Let me think about it.
79
00:03:02,669 --> 00:03:06,368
I'd have a much better chance
if she didn't think about it.
80
00:03:06,362 --> 00:03:08,628
Superior Court of New Jersey?
81
00:03:08,624 --> 00:03:10,556
While I was getting things
out in the open,
82
00:03:10,554 --> 00:03:14,653
my mother found a skeleton
in the closet.
83
00:03:14,645 --> 00:03:18,177
Julius... married...
Tawny... what?!
84
00:03:18,171 --> 00:03:19,670
Can't nobody stand you
85
00:03:19,669 --> 00:03:21,401
'cause you're a liar
and you won't shut up.
86
00:03:21,398 --> 00:03:22,763
Shut don't go
up, prices do,
87
00:03:22,761 --> 00:03:24,261
so take my advice
and shut up, too.
88
00:03:24,259 --> 00:03:25,258
You shut up,
I grow up.
89
00:03:25,257 --> 00:03:26,722
Every time I see your face,
I throw up.
90
00:03:26,720 --> 00:03:27,886
Shut up.
91
00:03:27,885 --> 00:03:29,284
The Junior Varsity
Sugar Hill Gang.
92
00:03:29,282 --> 00:03:30,481
Will both of
you shut up?
93
00:03:30,480 --> 00:03:31,646
I swear.
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00:03:31,645 --> 00:03:33,077
That doesn't rhyme.
95
00:03:33,075 --> 00:03:35,907
Y'all couldn't be quiet
if somebody paid you.
96
00:03:35,902 --> 00:03:37,335
I could.
No, you couldn't.
97
00:03:37,333 --> 00:03:38,831
You couldn't shut up
to save your life.
98
00:03:38,829 --> 00:03:40,429
Quiet! Here.
99
00:03:40,427 --> 00:03:42,626
Here's your allowance
for this week.
100
00:03:42,623 --> 00:03:44,155
Okay?
101
00:03:44,153 --> 00:03:46,186
The next one that talks
loses theirs.
102
00:03:46,183 --> 00:03:47,249
Winner gets it all.
103
00:03:54,964 --> 00:03:57,531
While Drew and Tonya
were keeping their mouths shut,
104
00:03:57,527 --> 00:04:00,125
back at school
I was waiting for the word.
105
00:04:00,121 --> 00:04:02,953
And then I said that would
involve kissing and touching--
106
00:04:02,948 --> 00:04:04,148
well, I ran it down.
107
00:04:04,147 --> 00:04:06,778
Oh, man, you are going
to be so in there.
108
00:04:06,774 --> 00:04:08,207
I can't believe
you ran it down.
109
00:04:08,205 --> 00:04:09,238
I would have just ran.
110
00:04:09,237 --> 00:04:10,969
What'd she say?
111
00:04:10,966 --> 00:04:12,265
She said she'll think
about it.
112
00:04:12,264 --> 00:04:13,296
Well, what
does that mean?
113
00:04:13,295 --> 00:04:15,627
It means
"Let me check every option,
114
00:04:15,623 --> 00:04:17,256
"see if I can get
someone I want,
115
00:04:17,254 --> 00:04:19,220
and if not,
I'll go out with you."
116
00:04:19,217 --> 00:04:22,949
And when she said every option,
she meant every option.
117
00:04:22,943 --> 00:04:24,875
She checked blind guys.
118
00:04:24,872 --> 00:04:26,438
Do you have
a girlfriend?
119
00:04:26,436 --> 00:04:27,569
Yeah, girl.
120
00:04:27,567 --> 00:04:30,598
What are you, blind?
121
00:04:30,593 --> 00:04:31,826
She checked dangerous guys.
122
00:04:31,825 --> 00:04:33,157
Do you have
a girlfriend?
123
00:04:33,155 --> 00:04:34,221
Yeah, he does.
124
00:04:34,220 --> 00:04:36,219
Now, give me your money.
Don't move.
125
00:04:36,216 --> 00:04:37,948
She even checked guys
who were girls.
126
00:04:37,946 --> 00:04:40,279
Do you have a girlfriend?
127
00:04:40,275 --> 00:04:43,940
I'm my own girlfriend.
128
00:04:43,934 --> 00:04:45,800
While I was waiting
to get my woman,
129
00:04:45,797 --> 00:04:47,929
my father's woman was waiting
to get him.
130
00:04:47,926 --> 00:04:49,359
Hey, baby.
131
00:04:49,357 --> 00:04:52,190
Why didn't you tell me you
were married to someone else?
132
00:04:55,345 --> 00:04:56,477
Huh?
133
00:04:56,476 --> 00:04:58,075
Now would be
a good time to run.
134
00:04:58,073 --> 00:05:00,805
Don't "huh?" me.
135
00:05:00,800 --> 00:05:02,766
Tawny Reynolds?
136
00:05:02,763 --> 00:05:04,628
Does the name ring a bell?
137
00:05:04,626 --> 00:05:06,226
You better say something.
138
00:05:06,224 --> 00:05:07,522
She might have a gun.
139
00:05:07,520 --> 00:05:08,519
Yeah.
140
00:05:08,518 --> 00:05:10,852
Um...
141
00:05:11,945 --> 00:05:14,244
It was a long time ago.
142
00:05:14,241 --> 00:05:16,573
It was a long time
before I even met you.
143
00:05:16,569 --> 00:05:19,801
I was 17 in
Atlantic City,
144
00:05:19,796 --> 00:05:21,996
and we were drunk.
145
00:05:21,992 --> 00:05:23,824
We got married.
146
00:05:23,822 --> 00:05:25,654
Four days later,
we were divorced.
147
00:05:25,651 --> 00:05:28,351
Story of Britney Spears' life.
148
00:05:28,347 --> 00:05:30,380
Well, not according to this.
149
00:05:32,603 --> 00:05:34,936
"Complaint for divorce"?
150
00:05:34,932 --> 00:05:37,998
( laughing ):
That's crazy, huh?
151
00:05:37,993 --> 00:05:40,458
I mean, because how could
somebody divorce you
152
00:05:40,455 --> 00:05:43,088
unless you're
married to them?
153
00:05:43,083 --> 00:05:45,382
This has got to be a mistake.
154
00:05:45,379 --> 00:05:46,811
What marriage isn't?
155
00:05:46,809 --> 00:05:48,775
You know, Julius...
156
00:05:48,772 --> 00:05:51,637
you know how much
a lightbulb costs per watt.
157
00:05:51,632 --> 00:05:54,032
How can you
not know
158
00:05:54,029 --> 00:05:57,128
that you have another wife?!
159
00:05:57,122 --> 00:05:59,254
Because those things
are less complicated.
160
00:05:59,251 --> 00:06:01,350
I do not have another wife.
161
00:06:01,347 --> 00:06:02,846
Yes, you do!
162
00:06:02,844 --> 00:06:05,976
Look, look, look, it
says so right there!
163
00:06:05,971 --> 00:06:06,970
You know what?
164
00:06:06,969 --> 00:06:08,601
What I want
to know is:
165
00:06:08,599 --> 00:06:10,965
if she's your wife,
then what am I?
166
00:06:10,961 --> 00:06:11,960
You're my wife.
167
00:06:11,959 --> 00:06:14,158
No!
168
00:06:14,154 --> 00:06:16,553
I'm your concubine!
169
00:06:16,550 --> 00:06:17,616
This is silly.
170
00:06:17,615 --> 00:06:18,614
( sighs )
171
00:06:18,613 --> 00:06:20,212
Is she white?
172
00:06:20,209 --> 00:06:21,242
What?
173
00:06:21,241 --> 00:06:22,240
No.
174
00:06:22,239 --> 00:06:23,238
Can she get
the house?
175
00:06:23,237 --> 00:06:25,135
Rochelle...
Is she white?
176
00:06:25,133 --> 00:06:26,132
Stop it.
177
00:06:26,131 --> 00:06:27,264
Do you have a
kid with her?
178
00:06:27,262 --> 00:06:28,261
Is she white?
179
00:06:28,260 --> 00:06:29,259
No.
180
00:06:29,258 --> 00:06:30,623
Is the kid
light-skinned?
181
00:06:30,622 --> 00:06:32,088
No.
Ha!
182
00:06:32,086 --> 00:06:34,785
So you admit that
you have a kid!
183
00:06:34,780 --> 00:06:37,179
Oh, God, I'm
going to be sick!
184
00:06:37,176 --> 00:06:38,775
There is no kid.
185
00:06:38,773 --> 00:06:40,805
How do you know, Julius?
186
00:06:40,801 --> 00:06:43,301
You didn't even know
that you didn't have a divorce!
187
00:06:43,298 --> 00:06:45,063
Oh, my God.
188
00:06:45,060 --> 00:06:48,092
W--W--W--W--W--What's going
to happen to this family
189
00:06:48,087 --> 00:06:51,419
if it turns out
there's another one?
190
00:06:51,413 --> 00:06:56,046
Kids, I'd like to introduce you
to your new mother Tawny
191
00:06:56,038 --> 00:06:58,670
and your new brother Julian.
192
00:06:58,666 --> 00:07:01,965
Girl, you just wasted
$2.17 worth of white meat.
193
00:07:01,959 --> 00:07:03,759
JULIUS:
My boy.
194
00:07:07,681 --> 00:07:10,114
What am I going to
say to my children?
195
00:07:10,110 --> 00:07:11,742
The kids are going
to be all right.
196
00:07:11,740 --> 00:07:12,739
Look, look...
197
00:07:12,738 --> 00:07:15,071
Oh... don't touch me!
198
00:07:15,067 --> 00:07:17,099
We'll leave them
out of this.
199
00:07:17,096 --> 00:07:19,595
Listen, I-I'm gonna
sign these papers
200
00:07:19,591 --> 00:07:21,723
and take these to
the courtroom myself
201
00:07:21,720 --> 00:07:22,953
and get this
straightened out.
202
00:07:22,952 --> 00:07:24,684
You do that.
203
00:07:24,681 --> 00:07:26,080
Because if you don't
straighten out
204
00:07:26,078 --> 00:07:27,844
what's going on
in these papers,
205
00:07:27,842 --> 00:07:29,507
you're going
to get a set of papers
206
00:07:29,505 --> 00:07:32,305
that look just like them.
207
00:07:35,792 --> 00:07:37,726
And she better
not be white.
208
00:07:40,982 --> 00:07:42,748
While my father tried
to explain
209
00:07:42,745 --> 00:07:44,078
why he had two women,
210
00:07:44,077 --> 00:07:46,975
I wanted to find out
if I had one.
211
00:07:46,970 --> 00:07:48,469
Hey, Chris.
212
00:07:48,467 --> 00:07:50,933
Oh, hey, Tasha, listen about
what I said yesterday...
213
00:07:50,929 --> 00:07:52,128
I thought about it.
214
00:07:52,127 --> 00:07:53,126
Yes.
215
00:07:53,125 --> 00:07:54,824
Yes, what?
Yes,
216
00:07:54,821 --> 00:07:56,020
I will be your girlfriend.
217
00:07:56,019 --> 00:07:58,885
And I get to touch you?
Yes.
218
00:07:58,880 --> 00:08:01,178
In an 8:00 p.m. sitcom
kind of way.
219
00:08:01,175 --> 00:08:03,307
And I get to kiss you?
220
00:08:03,303 --> 00:08:05,469
Yes.
Ask for more, ask for more!
221
00:08:05,466 --> 00:08:06,699
In front of other people--
222
00:08:06,698 --> 00:08:08,497
not just strangers,
even people we know?
223
00:08:08,494 --> 00:08:09,993
Yes.
And if anybody asks me,
224
00:08:09,991 --> 00:08:14,490
I can say, "Yes, Tasha
is my girlfriend"?
225
00:08:14,482 --> 00:08:15,981
Yes.
226
00:08:15,979 --> 00:08:18,244
All right.
227
00:08:18,241 --> 00:08:19,707
I need you
to sign this.
228
00:08:19,705 --> 00:08:21,705
I need your
thumbprint there.
229
00:08:24,129 --> 00:08:26,428
All right, now,
turn that around.
230
00:08:26,424 --> 00:08:28,458
Smile.
231
00:08:29,518 --> 00:08:31,784
Thank you.
232
00:08:31,781 --> 00:08:32,847
Who's this?
233
00:08:32,846 --> 00:08:34,645
She's notary public.
234
00:08:34,642 --> 00:08:37,274
There.
235
00:08:37,270 --> 00:08:38,269
Here you go.
236
00:08:38,268 --> 00:08:39,801
It's official, Chris.
237
00:08:39,799 --> 00:08:42,198
Tasha is your girlfriend.
238
00:08:44,356 --> 00:08:46,355
Somebody record this
239
00:08:46,352 --> 00:08:48,719
so she can't lie
and say it didn't happen.
240
00:08:53,637 --> 00:08:56,202
After years of walking
out my door feeling down,
241
00:08:56,198 --> 00:08:57,531
with Tasha right next door,
242
00:08:57,530 --> 00:08:59,162
I was walking out
and getting felt up.
243
00:08:59,159 --> 00:09:01,158
Happy anniversary.
244
00:09:01,155 --> 00:09:02,655
Anniversary?
245
00:09:02,653 --> 00:09:04,685
Yes, we've been
together a week.
246
00:09:04,682 --> 00:09:06,948
Here, I made you this bookmark
with our names on it.
247
00:09:06,945 --> 00:09:09,711
Oh... thanks.
248
00:09:11,435 --> 00:09:13,401
( sighs nervously )
So what'd you get me?
249
00:09:13,398 --> 00:09:16,097
A big box of nothing.
250
00:09:16,093 --> 00:09:17,726
Nothing.
251
00:09:17,723 --> 00:09:19,922
I didn't know we celebrated
one-week anniversaries.
252
00:09:19,919 --> 00:09:22,885
Oh... that's okay.
253
00:09:22,880 --> 00:09:24,512
What she really meant was...
254
00:09:24,510 --> 00:09:25,976
MAN:
Oh, my God.
255
00:09:25,974 --> 00:09:29,939
This is the worst catastrophe.
256
00:09:29,932 --> 00:09:32,564
CHRIS:
I found out pretty quickly that getting a girlfriend
257
00:09:32,560 --> 00:09:34,826
was a lot easier
than keeping her happy.
258
00:09:34,822 --> 00:09:37,521
Hey, you want to get together
later and watch some videos?
259
00:09:37,517 --> 00:09:40,216
I loved watching videos
with Tasha.
260
00:09:40,212 --> 00:09:42,511
* I got a paper and pencil *
261
00:09:42,507 --> 00:09:45,406
* Thinking of rhymes
like mental... *
262
00:09:45,401 --> 00:09:47,300
Nah, that's okay.
263
00:09:47,298 --> 00:09:49,430
I also learned that before
we did what I liked to do,
264
00:09:49,426 --> 00:09:52,058
we had to something
she liked to do.
265
00:09:52,054 --> 00:09:54,754
Come here, girl, you
know I'm just playing.
266
00:09:54,750 --> 00:09:56,182
I got a surprise
for you later.
267
00:09:56,180 --> 00:09:57,913
You do.
What is it?
268
00:09:57,910 --> 00:09:59,508
It's a surprise to me, too.
269
00:09:59,506 --> 00:10:01,238
Well, I wanted to
wait until later,
270
00:10:01,236 --> 00:10:03,536
but, you know, after I
get home from school,
271
00:10:03,532 --> 00:10:04,764
I wanted to
celebrate with you.
272
00:10:04,763 --> 00:10:05,928
I'll bring your
present then.
273
00:10:05,927 --> 00:10:07,026
Good one.
274
00:10:07,024 --> 00:10:08,390
Ooh, and then we can go
to Mr. Woo's
275
00:10:08,389 --> 00:10:09,822
and get some Chinese food.
276
00:10:09,820 --> 00:10:11,252
Oh, and then I can tell you
277
00:10:11,250 --> 00:10:13,315
all about what this crazy girl
said to me at school
278
00:10:13,312 --> 00:10:14,845
and then we can talk
about what we're...
279
00:10:14,843 --> 00:10:16,409
Another thing I learned quickly
280
00:10:16,407 --> 00:10:19,905
is that, much like Bin Laden,
girlfriends like to make plans,
281
00:10:19,899 --> 00:10:23,298
and those plans
did not include Greg.
282
00:10:23,292 --> 00:10:25,792
Hey, what happened
to you yesterday?
283
00:10:25,788 --> 00:10:27,387
We were supposed to
go see Lethal Weapon.
284
00:10:27,385 --> 00:10:29,016
Oh, I was out with Tasha.
285
00:10:29,014 --> 00:10:30,114
Oh.
286
00:10:30,112 --> 00:10:31,478
Well, do you want
to go see it today?
287
00:10:31,477 --> 00:10:32,709
I can't.
288
00:10:32,707 --> 00:10:33,872
Why, you got
to go to work?
289
00:10:33,871 --> 00:10:35,537
No, me and Tasha
are going down to Al B Square
290
00:10:35,535 --> 00:10:36,768
to get matching
T-shirts made.
291
00:10:36,766 --> 00:10:38,098
More like matching blouses.
292
00:10:38,097 --> 00:10:40,062
Then we're going to the
photo booth to get pictures
293
00:10:40,059 --> 00:10:41,692
and then we're gonna get
something to eat.
294
00:10:41,689 --> 00:10:43,455
I knew this was
going to happen.
295
00:10:43,453 --> 00:10:45,118
What?
Don't you see?
296
00:10:45,116 --> 00:10:46,482
She's taking
over your life.
297
00:10:46,480 --> 00:10:48,479
She's got you running
around in matching clothes.
298
00:10:48,476 --> 00:10:50,141
It's like you're a
life-size Ken doll.
299
00:10:50,139 --> 00:10:51,938
I have one thing Ken doesn't.
300
00:10:51,935 --> 00:10:52,934
So what?
301
00:10:52,933 --> 00:10:53,965
Okay, I got
a girlfriend.
302
00:10:53,964 --> 00:10:54,997
What are you, jealous?
303
00:10:54,996 --> 00:10:56,228
Of course, I'm jealous.
304
00:10:56,226 --> 00:10:57,892
But this isn't about
me; it's about you.
305
00:10:57,890 --> 00:10:59,556
I thought you were
gonna be so in there.
306
00:10:59,554 --> 00:11:00,952
Turns out you can't
get out of there.
307
00:11:00,950 --> 00:11:02,450
It's like you're a
puppet and she's got
308
00:11:02,448 --> 00:11:04,081
her hand stuck up your...
Hey.
309
00:11:05,143 --> 00:11:06,942
( indistinct whispering )
310
00:11:09,035 --> 00:11:10,501
She did?
311
00:11:10,499 --> 00:11:11,964
Yeah.
312
00:11:11,962 --> 00:11:13,663
Twice.
313
00:11:15,290 --> 00:11:16,988
Meanwhile, Drew and Tonya
314
00:11:16,985 --> 00:11:19,519
continued their war
of no words.
315
00:11:25,636 --> 00:11:28,701
Drew went to the Ike Turner
School of Sign Language.
316
00:11:28,696 --> 00:11:32,529
To save his marriage,
my father had to get a divorce.
317
00:11:34,085 --> 00:11:36,817
How could you not know
that you're not divorced?
318
00:11:36,813 --> 00:11:38,945
I signed the papers
and sent them back to her.
319
00:11:38,942 --> 00:11:40,774
How was I supposed to know
she didn't file them?
320
00:11:40,771 --> 00:11:42,404
Because you didn't get
your final decree.
321
00:11:42,402 --> 00:11:44,101
I didn't know I needed
a final decree.
322
00:11:44,098 --> 00:11:45,763
Well, you
should have.
323
00:11:45,761 --> 00:11:47,061
Who knows what this woman
324
00:11:47,059 --> 00:11:48,491
might have been
doing in your name?
325
00:11:48,490 --> 00:11:49,989
She could have been
holding up banks,
326
00:11:49,987 --> 00:11:51,286
taking out loans.
327
00:11:51,284 --> 00:11:52,317
Invading Iraq?
328
00:11:52,316 --> 00:11:53,315
Did you have
329
00:11:53,314 --> 00:11:54,712
any kids with her?
No.
330
00:11:54,710 --> 00:11:56,310
Is she white?
331
00:11:56,308 --> 00:11:58,173
No, she is not white.
332
00:11:58,170 --> 00:12:00,136
Hmm.
Listen,
333
00:12:00,133 --> 00:12:02,731
let me throw a hypothetical
situation at you.
334
00:12:02,727 --> 00:12:04,060
This should be good.
335
00:12:04,059 --> 00:12:05,192
Say there
was a person
336
00:12:05,190 --> 00:12:06,422
who thought he
was divorced...
337
00:12:06,421 --> 00:12:07,620
A person?
338
00:12:07,618 --> 00:12:10,150
A person...
and that person
339
00:12:10,146 --> 00:12:12,112
went and got married again
and had some kids.
340
00:12:12,110 --> 00:12:14,609
Then, he got some papers
that said he was still married
341
00:12:14,605 --> 00:12:16,371
to another person.
Hypothetically.
342
00:12:16,368 --> 00:12:18,367
Hypothetically.
Well,
343
00:12:18,364 --> 00:12:22,062
that person could be arrested
and hypothetically sent to jail
344
00:12:22,056 --> 00:12:23,089
as a bigamist.
345
00:12:23,088 --> 00:12:24,621
Or just move to Utah.
346
00:12:24,619 --> 00:12:27,417
Does this mean that person's
current marriage is not valid?
347
00:12:27,412 --> 00:12:29,612
Hypothetically, no,
348
00:12:29,609 --> 00:12:32,940
but between you, me
and your hypothetical friend,
349
00:12:32,934 --> 00:12:35,367
as long as he
files these papers
350
00:12:35,363 --> 00:12:36,795
and gets his final decree
351
00:12:36,793 --> 00:12:39,226
and everyone here stays lazy,
he'll be fine.
352
00:12:39,223 --> 00:12:41,255
( sighs )
That's good news.
353
00:12:41,252 --> 00:12:42,518
Hypothetically.
354
00:12:42,516 --> 00:12:44,548
Mm-hmm.
355
00:12:44,545 --> 00:12:46,777
Can I ask you
a hypothetical question?
356
00:12:46,774 --> 00:12:47,873
Yeah.
357
00:12:47,871 --> 00:12:48,904
Is she white?
358
00:12:50,599 --> 00:12:52,832
No, she is not white.
359
00:12:52,829 --> 00:12:55,463
We'll mail the divorce decree
in a few days.
360
00:12:58,085 --> 00:13:01,217
When a guy has a girlfriend,
he wants to get her alone.
361
00:13:01,212 --> 00:13:02,478
You want to get
together tonight
362
00:13:02,476 --> 00:13:03,542
and watch some videos?
363
00:13:03,541 --> 00:13:05,039
But when a girl
has a boyfriend,
364
00:13:05,037 --> 00:13:06,370
she wants to show him around.
365
00:13:06,369 --> 00:13:07,600
Can we go
to Yvette's first?
366
00:13:07,598 --> 00:13:10,198
I want you to meet her
and Angela.
367
00:13:10,194 --> 00:13:11,692
When I got with Tasha,
368
00:13:11,690 --> 00:13:13,357
I thought I couldn't
get enough of her.
369
00:13:13,355 --> 00:13:14,887
So, we watching
videos tonight?
370
00:13:14,885 --> 00:13:16,351
Can I bring Rene
and Tina?
371
00:13:16,349 --> 00:13:19,747
What I found out
was I could barely get to her.
372
00:13:19,741 --> 00:13:23,174
While my father was waiting
for his final decree,
373
00:13:23,168 --> 00:13:25,368
my mother was acting
like it was over.
374
00:13:26,894 --> 00:13:28,626
Hey, baby.
375
00:13:28,623 --> 00:13:29,822
Does your wife know
376
00:13:29,821 --> 00:13:32,254
that you're hugging
up to another woman?
377
00:13:32,250 --> 00:13:33,782
( sighs )
378
00:13:33,780 --> 00:13:34,779
What are you doing?
379
00:13:34,778 --> 00:13:36,211
Looking for
apartments.
380
00:13:36,209 --> 00:13:38,907
The kids and I need a place
that we can call our own.
381
00:13:38,903 --> 00:13:40,602
Rochelle, this
is your place.
382
00:13:40,600 --> 00:13:41,866
Really?
383
00:13:41,864 --> 00:13:44,130
Well, how do I know that
if you die right now,
384
00:13:44,127 --> 00:13:45,625
some white woman
wouldn't come
385
00:13:45,623 --> 00:13:47,789
and take your Social
Security, the house,
386
00:13:47,785 --> 00:13:50,085
the car, and me and the
kids be on the street?
387
00:13:50,082 --> 00:13:51,847
Who does she think he is,
James Brown?
388
00:13:51,844 --> 00:13:53,943
Look, I filed
the papers.
389
00:13:53,940 --> 00:13:55,039
This should all be over soon.
390
00:13:55,038 --> 00:13:56,037
Well, until then,
391
00:13:56,036 --> 00:13:57,170
you can sleep on the couch.
392
00:14:01,326 --> 00:14:03,791
After a few days of no luck
with getting it on,
393
00:14:03,787 --> 00:14:05,652
I decided to take a day off.
394
00:14:05,650 --> 00:14:07,449
Hey, you want to go
see Lethal Weapon?
395
00:14:07,446 --> 00:14:09,012
You're kidding me,
right?
396
00:14:09,010 --> 00:14:10,109
When?
397
00:14:10,108 --> 00:14:11,274
Now.
398
00:14:11,273 --> 00:14:12,705
Don't you have
to go meet more
399
00:14:12,703 --> 00:14:13,769
of Tasha's girlfriends?
400
00:14:13,768 --> 00:14:16,067
Nah, man, I'm
done with that.
401
00:14:16,063 --> 00:14:19,262
So, uh, you guys
check out any videos?
402
00:14:19,257 --> 00:14:20,555
I wish.
403
00:14:20,553 --> 00:14:22,819
Look, until we start doing
something that I want to do,
404
00:14:22,816 --> 00:14:24,682
I'm gonna do stuff
that I want to do.
405
00:14:24,679 --> 00:14:26,411
I'm gonna call Doc
and tell him I'm gonna
406
00:14:26,408 --> 00:14:27,774
come in tomorrow
instead of today.
407
00:14:27,773 --> 00:14:30,072
Surprise!
408
00:14:30,068 --> 00:14:31,234
Hey, honey.
409
00:14:31,233 --> 00:14:32,465
Hey, Greg.
410
00:14:32,463 --> 00:14:33,695
What are you doing here?
411
00:14:33,694 --> 00:14:35,593
I was thinking we could go
to the movies, you know,
412
00:14:35,590 --> 00:14:37,589
maybe see Fatal Attraction
with Yvette and Rhonda.
413
00:14:37,586 --> 00:14:39,418
I got to work.
414
00:14:39,416 --> 00:14:40,616
No, you don't.
415
00:14:40,614 --> 00:14:42,080
I told Doc you weren't
coming in today
416
00:14:42,078 --> 00:14:43,310
because I had plans.
417
00:14:43,309 --> 00:14:44,941
What? You can't just go
to my job
418
00:14:44,939 --> 00:14:46,339
and tell them I'm not coming in.
419
00:14:46,337 --> 00:14:47,635
Why not?
420
00:14:47,633 --> 00:14:49,365
'Cause I can't just go
to your school
421
00:14:49,363 --> 00:14:51,495
and say, "She's not coming in
because I got plans."
422
00:14:51,492 --> 00:14:52,992
What are you
trying to say?
423
00:14:52,990 --> 00:14:55,122
Why is it that whenever I want
to do something,
424
00:14:55,118 --> 00:14:57,184
it has to wait till tomorrow,
but whenever you want
425
00:14:57,181 --> 00:14:59,047
to do something,
it has to happen right now?
426
00:14:59,045 --> 00:15:01,044
What does that have
to do with anything?
427
00:15:01,041 --> 00:15:03,673
Welcome to Women's Logic 101.
428
00:15:03,668 --> 00:15:05,600
I just don't want you
running my life.
429
00:15:05,598 --> 00:15:07,064
You're the
one who said
430
00:15:07,062 --> 00:15:09,094
you wanted me to be
your girlfriend.
431
00:15:09,091 --> 00:15:10,623
Well, maybe I
was better off alone.
432
00:15:10,621 --> 00:15:12,288
Are you saying you're
breaking up with me?
433
00:15:12,285 --> 00:15:14,349
Let me make this
perfectly clear.
434
00:15:14,346 --> 00:15:15,946
Yes.
435
00:15:15,944 --> 00:15:18,210
I want to break up with you.
436
00:15:18,206 --> 00:15:19,272
What?
437
00:15:19,271 --> 00:15:20,869
You think you can
just say good-bye,
438
00:15:20,867 --> 00:15:22,200
walk away and
it's over?
439
00:15:22,199 --> 00:15:23,397
Yeah.
440
00:15:23,395 --> 00:15:24,761
Watch.
441
00:15:24,759 --> 00:15:26,160
Bye.
442
00:15:30,581 --> 00:15:32,847
The best thing
about the girl next door
443
00:15:32,843 --> 00:15:34,275
is she's right next door.
444
00:15:34,273 --> 00:15:38,106
And the worst thing
is that she's right next door.
445
00:15:38,100 --> 00:15:40,365
I will not be ignored, Chris.
446
00:15:40,361 --> 00:15:43,062
I'm lucky I don't
have a pet rabbit.
447
00:15:47,315 --> 00:15:49,414
CHRIS:
Since I was playing the game of love,
448
00:15:49,410 --> 00:15:51,342
I decided to get advice
from a real player.
449
00:15:51,340 --> 00:15:52,706
No, you got to move.
450
00:15:52,704 --> 00:15:53,903
Why?
451
00:15:53,901 --> 00:15:55,900
She lives
right next door, Chris.
452
00:15:55,897 --> 00:15:57,097
Where are you gonna go?
453
00:15:57,096 --> 00:15:58,661
You'll never get
away from her.
454
00:15:58,659 --> 00:15:59,858
We broke up.
455
00:15:59,857 --> 00:16:01,255
You broke up.
456
00:16:01,253 --> 00:16:02,886
That's like
telling the IRS
457
00:16:02,884 --> 00:16:04,316
you don't owe them any money.
458
00:16:04,314 --> 00:16:07,213
It ain't over
till they say it's over.
459
00:16:07,208 --> 00:16:08,741
Ask Wesley Snipes.
460
00:16:08,739 --> 00:16:10,138
I can't move.
461
00:16:10,136 --> 00:16:11,902
Well, you better
get back together.
462
00:16:11,900 --> 00:16:13,665
See, I don't
get this.
463
00:16:13,662 --> 00:16:15,194
How is it that she's
the one acting crazy
464
00:16:15,192 --> 00:16:16,858
and I have to be the one
to work things out?
465
00:16:16,856 --> 00:16:19,488
Because she started
acting crazy first.
466
00:16:19,484 --> 00:16:21,717
She's using your
reason against you.
467
00:16:21,713 --> 00:16:23,879
You know that makes
no sense, right?
468
00:16:23,876 --> 00:16:26,741
Welcome to Women's Logic 201.
469
00:16:26,736 --> 00:16:29,335
Before I had a chance
to confront my problem,
470
00:16:29,331 --> 00:16:31,363
my problem confronted me.
471
00:16:31,360 --> 00:16:32,559
Hey, Chris.
472
00:16:32,558 --> 00:16:33,791
ROCHELLE:
Where have you been?
473
00:16:33,789 --> 00:16:35,521
JULIUS:
You invited Tasha over for dinner,
474
00:16:35,519 --> 00:16:37,085
and you got the girl
waiting on you?
475
00:16:37,083 --> 00:16:38,548
Well, if anybody
knows what it's like
476
00:16:38,546 --> 00:16:40,412
to have a girl waiting
on them, you do.
477
00:16:40,409 --> 00:16:41,842
Tasha, can I talk to you
for a minute?
478
00:16:41,840 --> 00:16:43,072
Sure, honey.
479
00:16:43,071 --> 00:16:46,370
And by "minute",
I mean "never again."
480
00:16:46,364 --> 00:16:48,196
Tasha, go home.
481
00:16:48,193 --> 00:16:49,392
It's over.
482
00:16:49,391 --> 00:16:52,156
I put the last few weeks
of my life into you,
483
00:16:52,152 --> 00:16:54,385
and I'm not gonna let you
throw it all away
484
00:16:54,381 --> 00:16:55,480
over a little fight.
485
00:16:55,479 --> 00:16:57,378
I just said it's over.
486
00:16:57,375 --> 00:16:59,107
You wanted me, you got me.
487
00:16:59,105 --> 00:17:01,705
You're my boyfriend
until I say you're not.
488
00:17:01,701 --> 00:17:02,833
Got that?
489
00:17:02,831 --> 00:17:05,464
And that is a love TKO.
490
00:17:07,023 --> 00:17:08,655
What's going on
with you and Tasha?
491
00:17:08,653 --> 00:17:10,085
I tried to break
up with her,
492
00:17:10,083 --> 00:17:11,115
but she wouldn't
let me.
493
00:17:11,114 --> 00:17:12,681
Well, there's
no such thing
494
00:17:12,679 --> 00:17:14,277
as trying to break
up with somebody.
495
00:17:14,275 --> 00:17:16,207
That's like being
a little pregnant.
496
00:17:16,204 --> 00:17:18,103
Either you're broken
up or you're not.
497
00:17:18,100 --> 00:17:20,333
But if you do want to
break up with her,
498
00:17:20,330 --> 00:17:21,462
let her know that.
499
00:17:21,460 --> 00:17:24,092
If you don't, make
sure she knows that.
500
00:17:24,088 --> 00:17:26,087
Don't have her
running around here
501
00:17:26,084 --> 00:17:28,117
thinking you're together
and you're not.
502
00:17:28,114 --> 00:17:30,480
One minute y'all having
a little fight,
503
00:17:30,476 --> 00:17:32,074
and the next thing you know,
504
00:17:32,072 --> 00:17:33,572
you're married with
a wife and kids
505
00:17:33,570 --> 00:17:34,937
and she's trying to
take your house.
506
00:17:36,997 --> 00:17:39,562
It seemed like my problems
were just beginning,
507
00:17:39,558 --> 00:17:42,091
but my father's
were finally ending.
508
00:17:43,284 --> 00:17:44,783
I got the final divorce papers.
509
00:17:44,781 --> 00:17:46,580
Really?
510
00:17:46,577 --> 00:17:49,142
Baby, I'm sorry for putting you
through all of this.
511
00:17:49,138 --> 00:17:51,771
You're the only woman
in the world I want to be with.
512
00:17:51,767 --> 00:17:53,200
Mm-hmm.
513
00:17:55,027 --> 00:17:56,494
And I was wondering...
514
00:17:56,492 --> 00:17:58,290
will you marry me?
515
00:17:58,287 --> 00:18:00,720
You're not married to
anyone else, are you?
516
00:18:00,716 --> 00:18:02,015
No, I'm not.
517
00:18:03,144 --> 00:18:06,076
Then, yes, I'll
marry you.
518
00:18:06,072 --> 00:18:09,472
♪ Glory halle-stupid! ♪
519
00:18:09,466 --> 00:18:12,531
Yeah, bobbas, uh, yeah.
520
00:18:12,526 --> 00:18:15,991
Now, do you, Julius,
take Rochelle
521
00:18:15,985 --> 00:18:18,652
to be your...
522
00:18:18,648 --> 00:18:20,713
rhinestone rock star monster
of a doll baby bobba?
523
00:18:20,709 --> 00:18:22,742
I do.
524
00:18:22,739 --> 00:18:27,371
And Rochelle, do
you take Julius
525
00:18:27,363 --> 00:18:31,562
to be your rhinestone
rock star monster of a man?
526
00:18:31,555 --> 00:18:33,087
I do.
527
00:18:33,085 --> 00:18:34,785
With all the powers
invested
528
00:18:34,782 --> 00:18:37,781
in me and the blasters
of the universe,
529
00:18:37,777 --> 00:18:39,576
along with the mother ship
connection...
530
00:18:41,102 --> 00:18:44,668
...I now pronounce you...
531
00:18:44,662 --> 00:18:46,862
man...
532
00:18:46,858 --> 00:18:48,757
and wifey.
533
00:18:48,755 --> 00:18:50,053
Now...
534
00:18:50,051 --> 00:18:51,617
go funk her up.
535
00:18:51,615 --> 00:18:54,581
He said "funk", kids,
with an "N."
536
00:18:54,576 --> 00:18:55,941
( sighs )
537
00:18:55,939 --> 00:18:57,271
Funk her up.
538
00:18:57,270 --> 00:18:59,203
♪ Do you want
to get funked up? ♪
539
00:18:59,200 --> 00:19:02,199
♪ Funk, yeah, funk her up ♪
540
00:19:02,194 --> 00:19:04,526
♪ Don't you want
to get funked up? ♪
541
00:19:04,522 --> 00:19:07,054
While Bootsy and my parents
got funky,
542
00:19:07,050 --> 00:19:10,083
Drew decided to play dirty.
543
00:19:10,078 --> 00:19:11,610
Oh, my God, Drew!
544
00:19:11,608 --> 00:19:12,741
What happened?
545
00:19:12,740 --> 00:19:14,739
"Oh, my God, Drew,
what happened!"
546
00:19:14,736 --> 00:19:16,834
( chuckles )
Ketchup-- I win.
547
00:19:16,831 --> 00:19:19,064
Cheater!
548
00:19:19,060 --> 00:19:21,459
After everything
I'd been through with Tasha
549
00:19:21,456 --> 00:19:24,755
and as crazy as she acted,
she really did have a point.
550
00:19:24,749 --> 00:19:27,114
Breaking up over one fight
wasn't worth it.
551
00:19:27,110 --> 00:19:30,576
And if she didn't think it
was over, then it wasn't over.
552
00:19:30,571 --> 00:19:32,870
Oh, Chris.
553
00:19:32,866 --> 00:19:34,132
Hey.
554
00:19:34,130 --> 00:19:36,129
I was mad earlier.
555
00:19:36,126 --> 00:19:37,292
I noticed.
556
00:19:37,291 --> 00:19:39,423
It's not that I want
to break up with you.
557
00:19:39,420 --> 00:19:42,052
I just think we need
to get clear about some things.
558
00:19:42,048 --> 00:19:43,547
Like what?
559
00:19:43,545 --> 00:19:44,810
First of all,
560
00:19:44,808 --> 00:19:47,208
you cannot cancel my work
so we can go hang out.
561
00:19:47,204 --> 00:19:48,670
Okay.
562
00:19:48,669 --> 00:19:50,867
And I'm sorry
that I overreacted.
563
00:19:50,863 --> 00:19:53,129
I'm new to this
relationship stuff.
564
00:19:53,126 --> 00:19:55,659
Okay.
565
00:19:55,655 --> 00:19:57,387
Good.
566
00:19:57,384 --> 00:19:59,116
What's wrong?
567
00:19:59,114 --> 00:20:02,547
I am breaking up with you.
568
00:20:02,541 --> 00:20:05,540
I thought you said
that we were still together.
569
00:20:05,535 --> 00:20:07,900
Until I said we
were breaking up.
570
00:20:07,896 --> 00:20:09,530
We're breaking up.
571
00:20:12,953 --> 00:20:15,885
See ya, wouldn't want to be ya.
572
00:20:15,880 --> 00:20:17,080
Me, either.
573
00:20:18,609 --> 00:20:21,209
* Everybody hates Chris *
574
00:20:38,275 --> 00:20:40,242
♪ Ah, make it funky now. ♪
575
00:20:40,292 --> 00:20:44,842
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