Original subtitles

- HOWDY, Y'ALL.

both: HEY, LAVERNE.

- YOU'RE BACK IN TOWN. - WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

CRUTCHES? WHAT HAPPENED?

- WELL, A SPRAINED ANKLE.

IT'S KIND OF AN INTERESTING STORY.

- ALL RIGHT, LET'S GET IT OVER WITH.

- WELL, AS YOU KNOW,

I WAS BACK IN ARKANSAS

TESTIFYIN' AGAINST THE NOTORIOUS HICKORY MOB.

IT WAS SO EXCITIN'.

I AIN'T NEVER BEEN IN A COURTROOM BEFORE.

WHY, THEY HAD THIS REPORTER THERE.

BOY, WAS SHE FAST.

- LOOK, LAVERNE... LAVERNE, COME ON.

HOW--HOW DID YOU SPRAIN YOUR ANKLE?

- ALL RIGHT. SO, ANYWAY, AFTER THE TRIAL WAS OVER,

I'S HOME WITH MAMA AND WE WAS WATCHIN' TV

TRYIN' TO GET A GLIMPSE OF ME ON THE NEWS.

AND WE HAD THREE VCRs HOOKED UP.

YOU KNOW, TO SEND COPIES TO THE RELATIVES.

PLUS, A VIDEO CAMERA POINTED AT ME

TO CATCH MY REACTION.

- LAVERNE, PLEASE. YOUR ANKLE...?

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

SO, ALL OF A SUDDEN, THE RECEPTION GOES OUT.

SO I HAD TO CLIMB ON THE ROOF AND RECONNECT THE ANTENNA.

- YOU SLIPPED OFF THE ROOF.

- COURSE NOT.

I COULD CLIMB A ROOF BEFORE I LEARNED TO WALK.

HAD TO. NOW, THAT'S ANOTHER STORY.

- LAVERNE, PLEASE, WOULD YOU CUT THE NONSENSE

AND JUST GIVE US THE END OF THE STORY?

- OKAY.

THAT'S HOW I SPRAINED MY ANKLE.

- LIFE GOES ON

AND SO DO WE

JUST HOW WE DO IT IS NO MYSTERY

ONE BY ONE

WE FILL THE DAYS

WE FIND A THOUSAND DIFFERENT WAYS

SOMETIMES THE ANSWER CAN BE HARD TO FIND

THAT'S SOMETHING I WILL NEVER BE

I'M ALWAYS HERE

FOR ANYTHING YOU NEED

RAIN OR SHINE

I'LL BE THE ONE

TO SHARE IT ALL AS LIFE GOES ON

WE SHARE IT ALL

AS LIFE GOES ON

- CAROL...

I GOT AN ASSIGNMENT FOR YOU. HURRY.

- [gasps] A BREAKING STORY.

THIS IS THE SCOOP I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR.

LET ME ASSURE YOU, MR. BRAXTON.

I WILL NOT LET YOU DOWN.

WHAT IS IT?

- GET OVER TO 531 DELMAR STREET.

AND WHEN YOU GET THERE...

WATCH YOUR STEP. - RIGHT.

- GO INSIDE. - GOT IT.

- AND WAIT FOR MY EXTERMINATOR.

- YOUR EXTERMINATOR?

- YEAH, I GOT BUGS CRAWLING ALL OVER MY KITCHEN.

THEY'RE HUGE,

AND THEY GOT THESE...

THINGS.

[shuddering]

ANYWAY, HERE'S THE KEY.

AND DON'T STEP ON THEM. IT JUST MAKES THEM MAD.

- MR. BRAXTON,

YOU HIRED ME TO BE A REPORTER.

NOW, I DO A LOT OF MENIAL THINGS AROUND HERE,

BUT THERE IS NO WAY I'M GOING TO WAIT FOR YOUR EXTERMINATOR.

DADDY, THEY WERE HUGE.

AND THEY HAD THESE THINGS.

AND--AND-- AND THEY WERE FURRY

WITH LEGS EVERYWHERE

AND THEY LEFT THIS VISCOUS TRAIL OF SLIMY OOZE.

- OH. BLECH!

CAROL, JUST STOP. THAT'S--THAT'S DISGUSTING.

NEXT TIME YOU SHOULD PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN.

- NO, THAT JUST MAKES THEM MAD.

- I DON'T KNOW WHY EVERYONE'S SO SCARED OF BUGS.

WHEN I WAS A KID I HAD AN ANT FARM.

OR DID MY AUNT HAVE A FARM?

NO, WAIT, MY AUNT BOUGHT THE FARM.

I HAD SEA MONKEYS.

- WELL, SCOTTY'S ASLEEP IN HIS CRIB.

IT'S THAT SPECIAL TIME OF DAY.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

- OH, YES, I DO, SOPHIA.

IT'S THAT TIME OF DAY

WHEN YOU REFLECT UPON RAISING YOUR OWN CHILDREN

OH SO MANY YEARS AGO.

- NO, IT'S THAT TIME OF DAY WHEN YOU PAY ME.

- I'M SORRY, SOPHIA.

CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS, DADDY?

AFTER PAYING FOR DAY CARE,

I HAVE EXACTLY FIVE DOLLARS LEFT FROM MY PAYCHECK.

- MAYBE YOU SHOULD ASK FOR A RAISE.

- I HAVE, BUT SHE WON'T LET GO OF THE LOUSY FIVE BUCKS.

IT'S--IT'S MORE THAN JUST THE MONEY,

I--I WANNA GROW AS A JOURNALIST.

I WANT MY OWN COLUMN.

SO I WENT IN THERE TODAY AND I SAID,

"MR. BRAXTON, I WANT MORE RESPONSIBILITY."

- AND HOW DID HE RESPOND TO THAT?

- HE SHOWED ME HOW TO WORK THE KEY MAKING MACHINE.

- YOU KNOW, CAROL, INSTEAD OF WHINING,

WHY DON'T YOU JUST GET UP OFF YOUR BUTT

AND DO THE JOB YOU'RE BEING PAID TO DO?

- EXCUSE ME?

- THAT'S WHAT THEY TELL ME AT WORK ALL THE TIME.

- ACTUALLY, CAROL, CHARLEY MAY BE RIGHT.

THE WAY TO GET AHEAD IS TO TAKE THE INITIATIVE

AND MAKE YOURSELF INDISPENSABLE TO MR. BRAXTON.

- I GOT SOME MORE TIPS FOR YOU TOO, CAROL.

ALWAYS BE ON TIME,

NEVER PEEK IN THE PORTHOLES,

AND NEVER NEVER EVER

PLAY GUESS-WHO WITH THE CAPTAIN

WHILE HE'S PARKING THE BOAT.

- OH, MAXINE. I'M GLAD I CAUGHT YOU.

LOOK, I'M SUPPOSED TO GO

TO THE WESTSIDE ELEMENTARY SCHOOL

THIS AFTERNOON TO DO MY...

DON'T-BE-AFRAID OF-THE-DOCTOR PRESENTATION--

- WAIT, IS THAT THE ONE WITH THAT IDIOTIC HAND PUPPET?

- I MADE THAT PUPPET.

CHILDREN LOVE MY PUPPET.

I HAVE 35-YEAR-OLDS STILL ASKING ABOUT MY PUPPET.

- EASY, HARRY.

I DIDN'T MEAN TO DISS YOUR PUPPET.

- SORRY. IT'S-- YOU KNOW, IT'S A BUTTON.

ANYWAY. LISTEN, CAROL CALLED.

SHE HAS TO WORK LATE, SOPHIA CANNOT SIT

SO I HAVE TO GET HOME TO TAKE CARE OF SCOTTY SO...

I WAS WONDERING...

- OH, WELL, KEEP WONDERING, HARRY.

IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

- COME ON, MAX. IT'S FOR A GOOD CAUSE.

AND THOSE KIDS NEVER SEE A DOCTOR.

- I KNOW THAT, BUT I JUST CAN'T.

YOU KNOW HOW I AM ABOUT PUBLIC SPEAKING.

AND I AM NOT A KID PERSON.

EVEN WHEN I WAS FIVE I DIDN'T HANG OUT WITH KIDS.

I USED TO TAKE NAPS JUST TO GET AWAY FROM THEM.

- OH, MAXINE, COME ON. IT'S SIMPLE. TRUST ME.

AND THE KIDS LOVE IT.

HELLO, HELLO, HELLO, HELLO.

I'M DR. FEELGOOD.

AND I'M-- [coughing]

I'M GERMY.

WELL, GERMY, LET ME PUT ON MY GLASSES.

I'LL TAKE A LOOK AT YOUR THROAT.

HERE WE GO. NOW.

- OKAY, OKAY. LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT THERE.

I AM NOT GONNA WEAR THAT.

EVEN IF ALIENS INVADED THE PLANET

AND WERE SLAUGHTERING EVERY HUMAN WHO DOESN'T

LOOK LIKE YOU DO RIGHT NOW,

I WOULD NOT WEAR THAT.

- ALL RIGHT. FINE, MAXINE.

I'LL JUST CALL THE SCHOOL

AND TELL THEM TO CANCEL THE ASSEMBLY

BECAUSE DR. DOUGLAS ISN'T A KID PERSON.

- OKAY. I'LL GO.

BUT I'LL DO IT MY WAY.

JUST A BRIEF LECTURE ON HOW THE BODY WORKS,

AND WHAT A DOCTOR DOES, AND THAT'S IT.

- FINE. BUT--BUT, UH LET ME ADD JUST ONE THOUGHT.

- WHAT? - YOU'RE GONNA BOMB.

WHY DON'T YOU HEAD HOME?

- WHEN THERE'S WORK TO BE DONE?

DON'T BE SILLY, SIR.

DO THESE ENVELOPES NEED TO BE STAMPED OR SEALED?

- THEY NEED TO BE STAMPED AND SEALED.

JUST LICK EVERYTHING THAT LOOKS STICKY.

- OH, [speaking French], SIR.

WOULD THAT YOU COULD HAVE SAT AT THE ALGONQUIN ROUND TABLE.

- YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANNA HEAD HOME?

- NOT AT ALL.

WHAT'S THAT YOU'RE WORKING ON?

- OH, I'M JUST WRITING OUR ADVICE COLUMN.

- "DEAR AUNT MARTHA?"

- ALL RIGHT. SECRET'S OUT.

I'M AUNT MARTHA.

- YOU KNOW, NOT TO TOOT MY OWN HORN,

BUT PEOPLE FREQUENTLY COME TO ME FOR ADVICE.

- YEAH?

WELL, LET'S SEE HOW YOU DO WITH THIS ONE.

"DEAR AUNT MARTHA,

"I'M A WELL-BUILT ADONIS

"AND THE BROADS FIGHT OVER ME

"LIKE I'M THE LAST BOX OF CHOCOLATE COOKIES.

"IT'S NOT SO MUCH OF A PROBLEM,

I JUST WANNA BRAG."

SIGNED.

"POOPED IN SAINT PETE."

- ALL RIGHT.

HOW'S THIS? I'D REPLY:

"HERE'S THE SCOOP, POOPED.

"NOBODY'S COOKIES TASTE THAT GOOD.

" GET YOURSELF IN THERAPY, POST HASTE."

HE'S PROBABLY SOME SELF-LOATHING SOCIAL PARIAH

WHO HAS A CRUSH ON HIS MOMMY.

- ACTUALLY, I WROTE IT.

BUT, YOU KNOW WESTON, THAT WAS A PRETTY DECENT ANSWER.

- YOU THINK SO? - YEAH.

I THINK I'LL PRINT THAT.

- REALLY?

WELL, I'M GLAD YOU LIKED IT, SIR.

I--I--I AM GIDDY WITH DELIGHT.

I AM GIDDY, GIDDY, GIDDY, GIDDY.

HERE, GIDDY, GIDDY, GIDDY, GIDDY, GIDDY, GIDDY.

[laughing]

WHOO.

I NEED SOME COFFEE.

OH, DO YOU WANT SOME?

- SURE.

- NO, NO, NO, NO.

NONE FOR ME.

I HAD TWO EGGNOG�S AT A CHRISTMAS PARTY ONCE

AND I TRIED TO PULL ALL THE PADDING

OUT OF SANTA'S SUIT.

ONLY I DIDN'T REALIZE HE WAS REALLY FAT,

AND I WAS PULLING ON HIS STOMACH HAIR.

ANYWAY...

I'M NOT MUCH OF A DRINKER.

- I'M SORRY TO HEAR THAT.

- IT'S NO BIG DEAL. - YEAH, IT IS.

I'VE BEEN POURING SCOTCH IN THE COFFEE ALL NIGHT.

- YOU WHAT?

WELL, NO WONDER IT TASTES SO WEIRD.

I JUST ASSUMED YOU MADE LOUSY COFFEE.

- I DO. THAT'S WHY I PUT SCOTCH IN IT.

I'M SORRY, CAROL. I THOUGHT YOU KNEW.

- WELL, I'M SURPRISED I'M NOT DRUNK.

I'VE ALREADY HAD THREE COFFS OF CUPPY.

- MAYBE YOU CAN HANDLE YOUR CUPPY BETTER THAN YOU THOUGHT.

[both laughing]

YOU'RE DARN RIGHT, I CAN.

- [both laughing]

- YOU KNOW, WESTON, I BETTER CALL YOU A CAB.

YOU'RE A CAB.

- [laughing]

- NOT REALLY. IT'S A JOKE.

- YOU ARE FUNNY.

YOU'RE REALLY, REALLY FUNNY.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER REALIZED HOW REALLY FUNNY YOU WERE.

I GUESS I--

I THINK I STILL HAVE A STAMP ON MY TONGUE.

- [laughing]

- SOPHIA, THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.

- THAT'S WHAT I SAY EVERY MORNING WHEN I WAKE UP.

- LISTEN, I--I-- I REALLY APPRECIATE THIS.

I'M SO WORRIED ABOUT CAROL.

I MEAN, THERE'S NO ANSWER AT HER OFFICE.

HER BED HAS NOT BEEN SLEPT IN ALL NIGHT.

I CALLED THE POLICE, I CALLED THE HOSPITALS,

I CALLED HER FRIENDS...

NOBODY'S SEEN HER.

- YOU'RE KIDDING.

CAROL HAS FRIENDS?

- ALL RIGHT, DEAR. JUST STAY HERE FOR ME, DEAR.

THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I'M GONNA RUN DOWN TO HER OFFICE

AND SEE WHAT I CAN FIND OUT.

- GO AHEAD. I'LL STAY HERE WITH SCOTTY.

NOT NOW, SAL. YOU'LL WAKE THE KIDS.

- HELLO?

HELLO?

CAROL, HONEY. CAROL, CAROL.

ARE YOU OKAY?

- DADDY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? WHAT TIME IS IT?

- YOU SLEPT HERE ALL NIGHT, CAROL.

I WAS WORRIED SICK ABOUT YOU.

WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL?

- I'M--I'M SORRY, DADDY.

I WAS WORKING LATE AND--AND-- AND I HAD A COUPLE OF DRINKS.

OH, MY GOD, WHERE'S SCOTTY?

- SCOTTY'S FINE. HE'S WITH SOPHIA.

I MEAN--CAROL, I MUST HAVE CALLED HERE A DOZEN TIMES.

- WAS THAT THE PHONE?

NO WONDER THE SNOOZE BUTTON DIDN'T WORK.

OH, OH, OH, MY HEAD.

WHOA, AND MY BACK IS KILLING ME

THIS COUCH IS SO UNCOMFORTABLE.

WHOA.

[shrieking]

[shrieking]

AAH!

- HI.

- SO THIS IS WHERE YOU WORK!

WELL, I'LL BE GOING NOW.

- WAIT, DADDY. IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK.

- CAROL, PLEASE, WHAT I'M TRYING TO THINK ABOUT RIGHT NOW

IS THE '55 WORLD SERIES.

- LOOK, WE-- WE WERE WORKING LATE

AND--AND--AND THERE WAS COFFEE

AND--AND-- WELL, THE REST IS HAZY,

BUT I'M SURE MR. BRAXTON CAN TELL YOU

EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED.

- YES, I CAN.

- WELL, GOOD.

TELL HIM.

- WE HAD SEX.

I REALLY...

DON'T FEEL LIKE GOING INTO ANY MORE DETAIL

RIGHT NOW WITH YOUR FATHER HERE.

- WELL, I'LL-- I'M--I'M LEAVING.

I'M LEAVING NOW.

- NO. I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY, SIR.

THIS IS NOT SOME ONE-NIGHT STAND.

I'M VERY FOND OF YOUR DAUGHTER.

- THAT MAKES ME FEEL MUCH BETTER.

- OH, MY GOD.

WE DID, DIDN'T WE?

- TWO AND A HALF TIMES.

- THAT WAS VERY NICE WHAT YOU SAID TO MY FATHER.

- WELL...

YOU KNOW.

- LOOK, MR. BRAXTON...

BEN...

I THINK WE SHOULD JUST FORGET THIS EVER HAPPENED.

- YEAH, YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

SO, I SUPPOSE YOU WANT ME TO...

ERASE THE TAPE FROM THE SECURITY CAMERA?

- THAT WOULD BE NICE.

- SO, HOW WAS BABY-SITTING LAST NIGHT?

- I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT.

WHAT ABOUT YOU AND THE KIDS IN SCHOOL?

- THEY LOVED ME.

I SPOKE ABOUT MEDICINE FOR HALF AN HOUR,

AND THEY WERE VERY INTERESTED.

- WELL, I'M GLAD IT WENT SO WELL

ALTHOUGH I AM A LITTLE SURPRISED.

- TSK, COME ON, HARRY. EVERYBODY'S GOT THEIR OWN STYLE.

MINE IS NO NONSENSE.

- THERE SHE IS, MOMMY.

THAT'S THE SILLY DOCTOR.

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

- HI, DR. FEELGOOD.

DO YOUR FUNNY VOICE AGAIN.

- I DON'T DO A FUNNY VOICE,

I HAVE A FUNNY VOICE.

- WHERE'S GERMY?

- GERMY!

GERMY!

THAT IDIOTIC HAND PUPPET?

- OKAY, OKAY. I USED THE PUPPET.

I HAD TO, HARRY.

YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT IT WAS LIKE.

THOSE KIDS CAN BE CRUEL.

- WE LOVE YOU, DR. FEELGOOD.

- OH, MAXINE.

THEY LOVE YOU.

YOU MUST HAVE BEEN VERY, VERY FUNNY.

- I DON'T WANT TO BE FUNNY.

I WANNA BE SCARY.

BOO!

- [laughing]

- ALL RIGHT, DON'T WORRY MAX,

YOU'LL ALWAYS BE SCARY TO ME.

- UH, DR. FEELGOOD.

DR. FEELGOOD, HELLO. I'M RONNY'S MOTHER.

SHE LOVED YOUR SHOW SO MUCH,

SHE INSISTED I BRING HER DOWN HERE TODAY.

- WELL, THANK YOU.

SO, IF YOU'LL JUST TAKE HER INTO THE EXAM ROOM,

I'LL BE--

- OH, WE DIDN'T COME HERE FOR AN EXAM.

WE WERE JUST WONDERING...

DO YOU DO CHILDREN'S BIRTHDAY PARTIES?

- NO, I DO NOT.

AND MY NAME IS NOT DR. FEELGOOD,

IT'S DR. DOUGLAS.

AND I DID NOT SPEND TEN YEARS IN TRAINING

TO PLAY SECOND BANANA TO A SOCK PUPPET.

NOW, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME, I HAVE PATIENTS TO SEE.

- OH.

YOU'RE RIGHT, SWEETHEART.

SHE'S FUNNY.

- DR. FEELGOOD'S NOT FEELING SO GOOD RIGHT NOW.

ANYBODY WANNA SEE...

[high-pitched] DR. FUN?

- YOU STINK.

- OKAY, SAY AHH.

- [giggling]

- LESLIE, PLEASE, IF YOU DON'T STOP LAUGHING,

I CAN'T CHECK YOUR THROAT.

- YOU'RE FUNNY.

HEY, WHERE'S GERMY?

- GERMY'S DEAD.

- GERMY'S DEAD?

- WELL, HE'S IN THE WASHING MACHINE.

NOW, SAY AHH.

- AHH...

- AH-HA.

MRS. CASTILLO, MAY I SEE YOU OUTSIDE FOR A MOMENT?

- SURE.

- [tongue clicking]

I THINK LESLIE MAY HAVE TONSILLITIS.

AND, WITH HER HISTORY, I THINK THEY'RE GONNA HAVE TO COME OUT.

- OH, NO.

YOU'RE NOT GONNA PUT MY BABY IN THE HOSPITAL.

- WELL, DON'T WORRY. SHE'S GONNA BE OKAY.

- NO, SHE WON'T.

I KNOW MY DAUGHTER.

SHE'S NEVER BEEN IN A HOSPITAL. SHE'S GONNA BE SO FRIGHTENED.

- NOW, MRS. CASTILLO, JUST CALM DOWN.

IF SHE SEES YOU UPSET, THEN SHE'LL GET UPSET.

- WELL, HOW AM I GONNA TELL HER?

SHE'S JUST A LITTLE GIRL. SHE'LL NEVER UNDERSTAND.

- TSK, WHY DON'T YOU LET ME HANDLE IT?

I'M TRAINED IN THESE THINGS.

I'M A DOCTOR.

HI, THERE.

IT'S YOUR OLD PAL, DR. FEELGOOD

AND GERMY!

HEY, YOU KNOW, WE'VE BEEN HAVING A LOT OF FUN HERE,

BUT I WAS THINKING...

YOU KNOW WHAT'S AN EVEN FUNNER PLACE?

- WHAT?

- [high-pitched] THE HOSPITAL.

THEY GOT LOTS OF NEAT STUFF TO SEE AND--

- WHOA.

THE HOSPITAL?

- THAT'S RIGHT.

- WOULD YOU PLEASE TAKE OFF THOSE DUMB GLASSES?

- SURE.

- AM I SICK OR SOMETHING?

- YEAH, YOU ARE.

BUT WE'VE GOT AN OPERATION THAT'LL MAKE YOU ALL BETTER.

YOU JUST HAVE TO STAY IN THE HOSPITAL

FOR A COUPLE OF DAYS, THOUGH.

- WILL IT HURT? - A LITTLE.

BUT YOU CAN HAVE ALL THE ICE CREAM YOU WANT.

- OKAY.

- MR. BRAXTON...

WE NEED TO TALK ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED YESTERDAY.

- THIS ISN'T A GOOD TIME, CAROL.

YOU CANNOT RUN FROM THIS.

WE HAD A SEXUAL LIAISON AND WE HAVE TO DISCUSS IT.

- SUIT YOURSELF,

BUT FIRST LET ME GET THE GUY AT THE PRINT SHOP

OFF THE SPEAKERPHONE.

I'LL CALL YOU BACK, GUS.

- MR. BRAXTON...

I'M AFRAID I'M GOING TO HAVE TO QUIT.

- WHAT? YOU CAN'T QUIT. I NEED YOU.

- NO, YOU DON'T NEED ME.

YOU WANT ME, AND WHO CAN BLAME YOU.

BUT I HAVE TO BE HONEST.

YOU ARE A GOOD PERSON, AND I RESPECT YOU VERY MUCH,

BUT I DON'T LOVE YOU.

- FAIR ENOUGH.

- THAT'S IT? YOU'RE NOT UPSET?

- IT'S FINE. IT WAS NO BIG DEAL.

WELL, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- I DIDN'T SAY IT WASN'T FUN.

UH, CAN WE GO TO WORK NOW?

- BUT, MR. BRAXTON, I DOT SEE HOW I CAN POSSIBLY

CONTINUE WORKING HERE.

OUR RELATIONSHIP HAS CHANGED FOREVER.

- CAROL, YOU CAN'T QUIT. I NEED YOU.

THE PAPER NEEDS YOU.

THE CRIER WASN'T AS GOOD BEFORE YOU GOT HERE,

AND IT WON'T BE THE SAME IF YOU LEAVE.

- REALLY?

DO YOU MEAN THAT?

- I'LL TELL YOU HOW MUCH I MEAN THAT.

IF IT'LL MAKE YOU STAY, YOU CAN BE AUNT MARTHA.

PLUS, I'LL EVEN THROW IN ANOTHER COLUMN.

- WITH MY OWN NAME ON IT? - SURE.

IF YOU'RE WILLING TO CHANGE YOUR NAME TO HOROSCOPE.

- HOW ABOUT "CAROL WESTON'S HOROSCOPE"?

- WHATEVER.

- OR "MADAME WESTON PREDICTS."

OR "CAROL WESTON SEES ALL."

- FINE.

- FINE.

NOW, LET'S DISCUSS ME AND THE OP-ED PAGE.

- OKAY.

WELL, I'LL MAKE A POT OF COFFEE AND WE'LL TALK ABOUT IT.

- NO, NO. [laughs] NO.

AUNT MARTHA AND THE HOROSCOPE WILL BE FINE FOR NOW.

- HI, I'M DR. FEELGOOD.

HI, I'M DR. FEELGOOD!

[high-pitched] YOU MIGHT FEEL GOOD,

BUT YOU LOOK LIKE A DAMN IDIOT.

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