Original subtitles

- DADDY, DON'T DAWDLE.

- [mumbling]

AH, YOU'RE RIGHT, DEAR.

I MUSTN'T LET A MERE HERNIA

SLOW ME DOWN HERE.

- WAIT A MINUTE.

DID WE PAY FOR THAT WATER?

- OF COURSE WE DID.

IT WAS ON THE RACK THING UNDERNEATH THE CART.

- WELL, IT'S NOT ON THIS RECEIPT.

DADDY, YOU STOLE THAT WATER.

- I STOLE NOTHING.

I--IT WAS AN HONEST MISTAKE. I'LL PAY FOR IT NEXT TIME.

- FINE. BUT UNTIL THEN, YOU ARE NOT TO DRINK IT.

- CAROL, MAY I REMIND YOU

THAT I AM NOT THE ONE WHO NIBBLES

HER WAY THROUGH THE AISLES.

- PLEASE, EVERYONE SAMPLES THE GRAPES.

AND THAT BAG OF OREOS WAS ALREADY OPEN.

- HI, GUYS.

- CHARLEY.

CHARLEY, YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'VE JUST COME FROM A FUNERAL.

- YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOMETHING

ABOUT DEATH THAT SEEMS...

ALMOST SAD.

- CHARLEY, WHO--WHO DIED?

- OH, THIS WOMAN WHO USED TO TAKE CRUISES ON MY SHIP,

MARTINA VAN DAM.

- THE PERFUME HEIRESS FROM BELGIUM?

- BELGIUM?

THE WAFFLE PLACE?

- I CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU KNEW MARTINA VAN DAM.

I MEAN, SHE WAS A LEGEND.

- NO. SHE WAS A REAL PERSON.

I JUST CAME FROM THE READING OF THE WILL.

IT WAS VERY TOUCHING.

ESPECIALLY WHEN THEY TOLD ME I'M A MILLIONAIRE.

WELL, I'LL BE GOING NOW. TA-TA.

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA. WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT, WAIT.

WAIT, ARE YOU SAYING THAT THIS WOMAN LEFT YOU...

- A MILLION SMACKERS, HARRY.

THEY ALREADY WIRED IT TO MY BANK ACCOUNT.

- CHARLEY, WAIT A SECOND.

WHY WOULD A WOMAN LIKE MARTINA VAN DAM

LEAVE YOU THAT KIND OF MONEY?

- I USED TO PLAY WITH HER SCHNAUZER.

I WAS THE ONLY ONE SHE TRUSTED

WITH LITTLE RASPUTIN.

THE POINT IS I'M WEALTHY.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

- WHAT? - REALLY, REALLY RICH.

- LIFE GOES ON

- WOULD YOU LOOK AT THAT THERMOMETER?

HOW COULD IT BE 90 DEGREES IN FEBRUARY?

- GLOBAL WARMING, SOPHIA.

THE OZONE LAYER IS BEING DEPLETED

AT A STAGGERING RATE.

THE HUMAN RACE IS IN DANGER OF BEING INCINERATED.

- IN, SAY, THE NEXT FIVE YEARS?

- OH, NO, HONEY. IT WON'T HAPPEN THAT FAST.

- THEN WHAT DO I CARE?

- CAROL, CAROL, HERE. - WHAT?

- LOOK AT THIS.

- "LOCAL MAN BENEFICIARY OF HEIRESS' WILL

"MIAMI RESIDENT, CHARLES DIETZ.

MARTINA VAN DAM... UNDISCLOSED AMOUNT."

- WHO, CHARLEY?

- A MILLION DOLLARS, SOPHIA.

- HARRY.

YOU GOTTA HELP ME. EVERYBODY'S AFTER ME.

- CHARLEY?

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE A VERY ATTRACTIVE MAN.

CALL ME.

- CHARLEY, COME OVER HERE.

LET'S-- WHAT IS THIS?

WHAT'S-- WHAT'S WRONG?

- OH, THE PHONE KEEPS RINGING, PEOPLE ARE BANGING ON MY DOOR.

THEY ALL WANT MY MONEY, HARRY.

HOW DID THEY FIND ME? HOW?

- THERE'S AN ARTICLE IN THE PAPER.

- HMM, SOMEBODY AT THAT PRESS CONFERENCE I GAVE

MUST HAVE LEAKED IT TO A REPORTER.

- AND IT DIDN'T OCCUR TO YOU

THAT EVERY CRACKPOT IN TOWN

WOULD BE AFTER YOU WITH GET-RICH-QUICK SCHEMES?

- OH.

YOU MEAN, LIKE, SPAM ON A ROPE?

- CHARLEY, TELL ME YOU DIDN'T INVEST IN THAT.

- OH, NO. OF COURSE NOT.

I WENT FOR THE SELF-CLEANING UNDERWEAR.

- CHARLEY, LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU COME OVER TONIGHT

AND DISCUSS FINANCIAL PLANNING WITH SOME PEOPLE I KNOW?

IN THE MEANTIME,

JUST GO HOME, LOCK YOUR DOORS,

AND DON'T GIVE ANYTHING TO ANYBODY.

- WHAT IF ONE OF THOSE GUYS COMES AROUND

CLAIMING THEY NEED MONEY FOR AN OPERATION?

- THREATEN TO CALL THE POLICE.

- GOOD IDEA.

DAD, I'M CALLING THE POLICE!

- HEY, LAVERNE. YOU'RE IN EARLY.

- WELL, EVER SINCE MY CAT DIED, MY HOUSE SEEMS SO EMPTY.

- YEAH, THAT'S BECAUSE HE WAS HUGE.

- I HOPE YOU'RE NOT CALLIN' GENERAL LEE FAT.

- TSK, COME ON.

HE MUST HAVE WEIGHED, WHAT? 30 POUNDS?

- 37, BUT HE WAS BIG-BONED.

YOU WANNA SEE A PICTURE OF HIS HEADSTONE?

- YOU GAVE HIM A FUNERAL?

- YEAH. I WROTE THE EPITAPH MYSELF.

- "GENERAL LEE, GENERAL LEE,

"BIG OLD BALL OF FLUFF,

"IS GONE TO KITTY HEAVEN,

WHERE THERE'S BALLS OF YARN AND STUFF."

- I SURE AM GONNA MISS THAT BIG OLD HAIR BALL.

- LAVERNE, HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT GETTING A NEW CAT?

- DON'T YOU THINK REPLACIN' GENERAL LEE

SO SOON AFTER HIS DEMISE WOULD BE A LITTLE BIT INSENSITIVE?

- NO, NOT REALLY.

- YOU ALWAYS HATED HIM, DIDN'T YOU?

- I DID NOT.

HE JUST SCARED ME WITH THAT LOPSIDED HEAD OF HIS.

ONE EYE ALWAYS SQUINTED SHUT.

- DR. DOUGLAS, I WOULD APPRECIATE IT

IF YOU WOULD SHOW A LITTLE MORE RESPECT

FOR MY BELOVED PET'S MEMORY.

- OH, LAVERNE, I WASN'T BEING DISRESPECTFUL.

THIS WOULD BE DISRESPECTFUL.

[meowing]

- GENERAL LEE.

- YEAH.

- SO, WHAT I'D LIKE TO DO FOR YOU

IS DEVELOP A HIGHLY DIVERSIFIED STOCK PORTFOLIO,

PRIMARILY BLUE CHIP,

WHOSE YIELD WILL BE CONSISTENT IN THE LONG TERM

WHILE KEEPING YOUR RISKS TO AN ABSOLUTE MINIMUM.

ANY QUESTIONS, MR. DIETZ?

- WHAT ARE YOU WEARING UNDER THAT?

- MR. DIETZ, I'M TALKING ABOUT A DYNAMIC,

EXCITING INSURANCE PACKAGE.

AS WE LIKE TO SAY IN THE INSURANCE BUSINESS,

INSURANCE IS YOUR BEST INSURANCE.

[laughing]

NOW, HERE'S THE EXCITING PART.

[laughing]

- MIX WELL, AND LET STAND 30 MINUTES

BEFORE APPLYING CLEANSING MASK TO FACE.

OKAY, NOW, WHERE'S MY TIMER?

- SO, THIS IS HOW THE OTHER HALF LIVES, HUH?

- DADDY, IT'S THE MILLIONAIRE MORON!

- OOH, GUACAMOLE.

- CHARLEY!

- WHAT?

- THERE'S CHIPS IN THE CABINET.

- HELLO, CHARLEY.

- OH, HEY, HARRY.

I FINALLY FIGURED OUT WHAT TO DO WITH MY MONEY.

- WHAT?

- WELL, EVERYBODY'S AFTER IT, RIGHT?

YOUR INVESTMENT GUYS,

PEOPLE CALLING ME UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

WELL, NOBODY'S GONNA GET IT.

I OUTFOXED THEM ALL.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, CHARLEY?

WHAT DID YOU DO?

- TODAY I SANK EVERYTHING INTO REAL ESTATE.

- YOU--YOU BOUGHT PROPERTY?

- NO... I BURIED MY MONEY.

- YOU BURIED IT? WHERE?

- MY BACKYARD. OH, DAMN!

OKAY, YOU DRAGGED IT OUT OF ME.

BUT YOU DON'T KNOW WHERE IN MY BACKYARD.

AND DON'T TRY PICKING MY BRAIN.

I THINK YOU'LL FIND IT'S OF NO USE.

- CHARLEY, I'M SURE YOU HAVE

SOME INANE DEMENTED LOGIC BEHIND THIS.

- OF COURSE.

THIS WAY IT'S SAFE, IT'S EASY TO GET TO...

PLUS, I FOUND A REALLY COOL WORM.

I GOT A MAP AND EVERYTHING.

- LET ME SEE THAT. - OH, NO, YOU DON'T.

- OH, NO, I DON'T WHAT?

YOU THINK... I WANT YOUR MONEY?

- HARRY, YOU SAID IT YOURSELF.

EVERYBODY'S GOT THEIR HAND OUT.

AND MAY I SAY...

YOU'RE A TALL MAN WITH EXTREMELY LARGE HANDS.

- YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO CALL ME A THIEF

AFTER ALL I'VE DONE FOR YOU?

BY GOD, I'VE TREATED YOU LIKE A...

HUMAN.

- SURE, JUST BUTTERING ME UP

WAITING FOR SOME RICH BELGIUM WOMAN

TO DIE AND LEAVE ME A FORTUNE.

- GET OUT OF MY HOUSE. - TRUTH HURTS, HUH?

- I'M GIVING YOU THREE SECONDS, CHARLEY,

TO GET OUT OF MY HOUSE.

- FINE. I'LL JUST TIME THAT

ON MY NEW STATE-OF-THE-ART ROLEX.

TOLEX?

DAD?

- CHARLEY, I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANT YOU IN THIS HOUSE

UNTIL YOU APOLOGIZE.

- I SHOULD APOLOGIZE?

YOU'RE THE ONE WHO SENT YOUR SPY

OVER THE LAST TWO NIGHTS.

- WHAT SPY?

- I THINK YOU KNOW WHO I'M TALKING ABOUT.

DON'T GIVE ME THOSE EYEBROWS.

I SAW YOU DIGGING IN MY YARD.

HOW DO YOU EXPLAIN THAT, HARRY?

- I DON'T KNOW.

HE'S A DOG?

- YOU HAVE AN ANSWER FOR EVERYTHING, DON'T YOU?

- LISTEN TO ME, LISTEN TO ME.

YOU'RE LOSING IT.

HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN SINCE YOU'VE SLEPT?

- IT'S BEEN DAYS, HARRY.

I JUST SIT BY THE WINDOW EATING BEEF JERKY,

WATCHING FOR INTRUDERS WITH MY INFRARED BINOCULARS

FROM SHARPER IMAGE.

HARRY, THIS MONEY'S MAKING ME CRAZY.

- I KNOW, CHARLEY, AND IT HAS TO STOP.

I'M--I'M-- I'M WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

- YOU ARE? - NATURALLY!

YOU MAY BE A LUNATIC, BUT YOU'RE STILL MY CLOSEST...

NEIGHBOR.

- THANKS, HARRY.

AND I'M SORRY FOR THE WAY I'M ACTING.

I KNOW YOU'RE REALLY MY FRIEND

AND I APOLOGIZE FOR INSULTING YOU.

- OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

LET'S JUST--LET'S JUST FORGET ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT?

THERE YOU GO. ALL RIGHT.

NOW, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO WITH THE CASH?

- WOULDN'T YOU LIKE TO KNOW.

- OH, DOCTORS, I GOT SOMETHIN' TO SHOW YOU.

I'S JUST OVER TO THE PET CEMETERY

TO VISIT GENERAL LEE...

- HE'S--HE'S-- HE'S NOT IN THERE, IS HE?

- DOCTOR, YOU BEST LAY OFF THEM STEPHEN KING BOOKS.

I WENT TO TELL HIM I'S IN NEED OF COMPANIONSHIP

AND GO AND GET ME A PET.

COURSE, I AIN'T READY FOR ANOTHER KITTY YET

SO I GOT ME THIS INSTEAD FROM PETS AND THINGS.

- IS THAT, UH, A PET OR A THING?

- IT'S A DAMN DINOSAUR.

- NO, IT AIN'T. IT'S AN IGUANA.

YOU WANNA HOLD IT?

- NO, IT'S FINE. - OF COURSE I DON'T WANT TO...

- HE'S SWEET.

COME ON. COME HERE, LEONARD.

- DON'T LET HIM OUT OF THE BOX.

- OH. - WHOA!

- LORDY, THEY'RE FAST, AIN'T THEY?

- AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT THIS IS ALL ABOUT.

- ALL CHARLEY SAID WAS HE WANTED US ALL HERE AT 7:00

AND HE'D BE OVER WITH A SURPRISE.

[doorbell ringing]

- THIS BETTER BE GOOD.

I'M MISSING A BIG NIGHT AT SHADY PINES.

IT'S THE WHEELCHAIR DEMOLITION DERBY.

- CAN I HELP YOU?

- I DON'T KNOW.

MY NAME IS BIEDERBECK,

AND SOME MESSENGER BROUGHT ME A NOTE

TO MEET A CHARLEY DIETZ HERE AT 7:00.

CLAIMS TO BE A FORMER STUDENT OF MINE.

- OH, UH, HARRY WESTON. COME ON IN.

- OH, HI, HARRY. - OH, SO, UH...

YOU'RE A TEACHER.

- NO, COACH.

GEORGE S. PATTON JUNIOR HIGH.

RETIRED.

I GOT A PLATE IN MY HEAD.

- HI, EVERYBODY.

- THIS IS MRS. KOONTZ. - HI.

- MRS. KOONTZ-- COACH, YOU CAME!

- WHO ARE YOU?

- IT'S ME, CHARLEY. REMEMBER?

ALL THROUGH JUNIOR HIGH I COULDN'T CLIMB THE ROPE

SO EVERY GYM CLASS YOU'D STAND UNDER ME

SNAPPING A TOWEL UNTIL I FINALLY DID IT.

- JUST A HOT SECOND.

YOU'RE RED-ASS DIETZ.

- RIGHT.

AND I STILL TREASURE THE LESSON YOU TAUGHT ME:

KEEP TRYING.

- WHAT LESSON?

WE DID THAT TOWEL THING JUST FOR GIGGLES.

- CHARLEY, CHARLEY...

UH, WHAT IS ALL THIS ABOUT?

- WELL, ALL OF YOU HAVE DONE NICE THINGS FOR ME IN MY LIFE.

HARRY, CAROL, YOU TREAT ME LIKE FAMILY.

AND, SOPHIA, LAST WEEK AT THE TRACK,

WHEN YOU LENT ME 20 DOLLARS, THAT REALLY MEANT A LOT.

- I NEVER LENT YOU ANY 20 DOLLARS.

- ACTUALLY, I TOOK IT FROM YOUR PURSE

WHEN YOU WEREN'T LOOKING.

- OH, GREAT.

I ALMOST HAD MY ROOMMATE'S KNEECAPS BROKEN.

HOPE I CAN GET THE DEPOSIT BACK.

- AND I GAVE CHARLEY HIS FIRST JOB.

HE WAS THE CUTEST LITTLE DELIVERY BOY.

AND SUCH A FAST LEARNER.

- BEST JOB I EVER HAD.

[doorbell ringing]

OOH, I HOPE THAT'S WHO I HOPE IT IS.

- WHO'S THAT?

- THE ONE PERSON I COULD ALWAYS COUNT ON AS A KID,

THE PERSON WHO WAS ALWAYS THERE NO MATTER WHAT.

MAXWELL SMART.

- DIETZ? CHARLEY DIETZ?

- OH, MY GOD. YOU'RE REALLY HERE.

OH.

MAXWELL SMART IN PERSON.

I'M CHARLEY DIETZ.

- LOOK, DIETZ.

MY NAME IS DON ADAMS.

MAXWELL SMART WAS MERELY A CHARACTER THAT I PLAYED ON TV.

SO LET'S USE MY REAL NAME, OKAY?

- SURE THING, 86.

YOU KNOW, WHEN I WAS A KID,

I USED TO WAIT ALL WEEK FOR GET SMART.

YOU WERE MY BEST FRIEND.

- MM-HMM.

DON'T LEAVE ME ALONE WITH HIM.

- I'M CAROL WESTON, DON.

I WAS QUITE A FAN, TOO.

IN FACT, I USED TO DO AN IMPRESSION OF YOU,

DIDN'T I, DADDY? - HONEY, I WOULDN'T--

- IT WAS RATHER GOOD. EVERYONE SAID SO.

OKAY, HERE IT GOES.

SORRY ABOUT THAT, CHIEF.

- YOU'RE GIFTED.

- SEE?

- YEAH. CHARLEY, NOW, CAN YOU TELL US WHAT'S GOING ON?

- OH, OKAY. EVERYBODY SIT DOWN.

I'M THROWING A PARTY

FOR ALL THE PEOPLE WHO HAVE ENRICHED ME THROUGH THE YEARS.

I WANNA MAKE YOU GUYS AS HAPPY AS YOU MADE ME.

- DID YOU PAY MY AGENT? - YEAH.

- I'M HAPPY.

- OKAY, EVERYBODY. LISTEN UP.

WE'RE GONNA GO TO THE MOST WONDERFUL PLACE

IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

- I AM NOT SETTING FOOT IN CROTCH DUSTERS.

- THIS IS WAY BETTER THAN CROTCH DUSTERS.

WE'RE GOING TO MARDI GRAS.

- MISSED IT BY THAT MUCH.

- I'M IN HELL.

- WE'RE GONNA SPEND THE WHOLE WEEKEND IN NEW ORLEANS.

I GOT THE ROOMS ALL BOOKED, I GOT SEVEN FIRST CLASS TICKETS,

AND THE LIMO'S GONNA PICK US UP IN, UH...

SOON.

- CHARLEY, DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH THIS IS GONNA COST?

- HEY, IT'S NOT LIKE I DON'T HAVE THE MONEY.

- IT'LL BE GREAT.

BOURBON STREET, JAZZ,

TRANSVESTITES.

- COME ON, HARRY. WHAT DO YOU SAY?

IT'S IMPORTANT TO ME.

- I MEAN, OKAY, CHARLEY.

IF--YOU KNOW, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT.

- GREAT. WHAT DO YOU SAY, COACH?

- IS SHE GOING?

- I WOULDN'T MISS IT.

- I GOT A PLATE IN MY HEAD.

- GREAT. COME ON, EVERYBODY. LET'S GET PACKED.

- ALL RIGHT. HERE WE GO.

- SO, UH, COULD YOU SAY IT ONCE?

- WHAT?

- YOU KNOW...

"WOULD YOU BELIEVE."

- I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

MAXWELL SMART SAID THAT.

I NEVER SAY THAT.

WOULD YOU BELIEVE I REALLY SAY THAT.

- MORNIN'.

- WHAT? WHERE? GET THAT LIZARD AWAY FROM ME.

- WOO-HOO! YOU A MITE SKITTISH THIS MORNIN'.

- WELL, THAT'S ONLY 'CAUSE GODZILLA'S

RUNNING AROUND LOOSE SOMEWHERE.

- NO, HE AIN'T. I CAUGHT HIM

IN THE COFFEE MACHINE THIS MORNIN'.

BESIDES, I DON'T KNOW WHAT YOU'RE SO WORRIED ABOUT.

IGUANAS DON'T BITE ANYWAY.

- UGLY CAN KILL, TOO.

- AH, THERE YOU ARE.

- MRS. COOVER, WHAT ARE YOU--?

DR. DOUGLAS, THIS IS MY NEIGHBOR, MRS. COOVER.

- OH, PLEASE, LET'S DISPENSE WITH THE PLEASANTRIES.

I CAME TO TELL YOU TO KEEP THAT CAT OF YOURS LOCKED UP.

- MY CAT?

MY--MY CAT HAS PASSED ON.

- WELL, BEFORE HE WENT,

HE PASSED ON SOMETHING TO MY SIAMESE.

SHE HAD A LITTER TWO WEEKS AGO.

- WELL, I'M NOT SURPRISED.

EVERYBODY IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD KNOWS

THAT PRINCESS TONGUE OF YOURS IS NOTHIN' BUT A TRAMP.

HOW DO YOU KNOW IT WAS MY CAT WHAT DONE THE DEED?

- I GOT PROOF.

I MANAGED TO GET RID OF ALL OF THE KITTENS EXCEPT THIS ONE.

PEOPLE FEAR IT.

- OH, MY LORD,

IT IS THE SPITTIN' IMAGE OF GENERAL LEE.

- LOOKS MORE LIKE THE ELEPHANT CAT.

- BEG YOUR PARDON?

- UH, I SAID, THAT'S ONE HELL OF A CAT.

- MRS. COOVER, COULD I HAVE THE LITTLE FELLOW?

- YOU WOULD ACTUALLY TAKE THIS BEAST?

- HOW DOES TEN DOLLARS SOUND?

- CAN I WRITE YOU A CHECK?

- HEY, THERE'S NOTHING LIKE MARDI GRAS.

- SO EVERYBODY HAD A GOOD TIME, HUH?

- WOULD YOU BELIEVE? A GREAT TIME.

- WILL YOU STOP THAT?

- DON SEEMED TO ENJOY IT.

- YEAH, THAT'S WHY HE DUMPED HIS GUMBO ON YOU.

- IT WAS AN ACCIDENT, DADDY.

BESIDES, HE MISSED ME BY THAT MUCH.

- CHARLEY, I HAD THE ABSOLUTE TIME OF MY LIFE.

- OH, IT WAS ALL TOO MAGNIFICENT.

AND YOU'RE MUCH TOO GENEROUS.

AND THANK YOU.

THIS IS THE REAL WORLD NOW.

- OH, CHARLEY. THANKS LOADS.

SON OF A GUN, WE HAD BIG FUN

ON THE BAYOU.

- WAIT, I GOT ONE LAST SURPRISE.

MEMORY BOOKS.

- OOH! - OH, CHARLEY.

- CHARLEY, HOW SWEET. LOOK, THIS IS GREAT.

HEY, HERE I AM HUGGING AL HIRT.

WHAT IS THIS?

"TO MY GOOD FRIEND HARRY, A TRUE JAZZ CAT.

AL HIRT."

YOU GOT HIS AUTOGRAPH.

CHARLEY, THAT'S GREAT.

- THAT'S NOTHING.

I GOT HIS TRUMPET.

- OH, AND LOOK. HERE I AM IN THE FRENCH QUARTER

TELLING OFF THAT PHONY VOODOO WOMAN.

- AND HERE'S A PICTURE OF YOU TURNED INTO A CHICKEN.

- COME ON.

- CHARLEY, YOU KNOW, CAROL'S RIGHT.

I MEAN, IT'S PRETTY MUCH BACK TO THE REAL WORLD.

YOU STILL HAVE TO FIGURE OUT

WHAT YOU'RE GONNA DO WITH YOUR MONEY.

- WHAT MONEY, HARRY? I SPENT IT ON THE TRIP.

- NO, NO. YOUR INHERITANCE, THE MILLION DOLLARS.

- OH, TURNS OUT I NEVER HAD A MILLION DOLLARS, HARRY.

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU SAID YOU WERE A MILLIONAIRE.

- TURNS OUT IT WAS A MILLION BELGIAN FRANCS.

IT'S ABOUT 30,000 DOLLARS.

- AND YOU BLEW IT ALL ON THIS TRIP?

- HARRY, THE MONEY WAS MAKING ME CRAZY.

IT ALMOST RUINED OUR FRIENDSHIP.

- BUT JUST TO BLOW IT LIKE THAT.

YOU'VE GOT NOTHING TO SHOW FOR YOUR INHERITANCE.

- SURE I DO.

I GOT THIS.

- A PHOTO ALBUM?

- MEMORIES.

HARRY, I GOT TO SPEND THE WEEKEND

WITH MY HERO, MAXWELL SMART.

AND I GOT TO DO SOMETHING REALLY NICE

FOR THE PEOPLE I CARE ABOUT.

HARRY, YOU SAID YOU HAD

THE TIME OF YOUR LIFE AT MARDI GRAS.

- WELL, I DID, YOU KNOW.

- WELL, THEN HOW COULD SPENDING THAT MONEY BE WRONG

IF IT MADE EVERYBODY HAPPY?

- YOU KNOW SOMETHING, CHARLEY? THAT'S A BETTER RETURN

THAN I EVER GOT ON ANY INVESTMENT.

YOU DID EXACTLY THE RIGHT THING.

- SO I GUESS...

WELL, YOU LEARNED SOMETHING FROM ME, DIDN'T YOU, HARRY?

- YEAH. YOU KNOW, I GUESS.

- THAT KINDA MAKES ME SORTA LIKE,

UH, A TEACHER TO YOU, DOESN'T IT?

- YEAH, I MEAN, IN THE BROADEST SENSE.

- A MENTOR, REALLY.

SOMEONE YOU CAN LOOK UP TO.

- CHARLEY.

TAKE YOUR HAND OFF ME.

STAND UP.

GO HOME.

THANKS FOR THE TRIP.

- CAROL, I'VE GOT THAT RECIPE YOU WANTED.

OH, MY GOD.

- [clucking]

- CAROL?

CAN YOU STILL READ?

- [clucking]

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