Original subtitles

- [whining]

- IS THAT THE BABY?

- MOMMY, I HAVE DIAPER RASH.

[laughs] GOTCHA!

- DADDY, WILL YOU STOP FOOLING AROUND WITH THE BABY MONITOR?

HE THINKS HE'S FUNNY. HE IS NOT FUNNY.

- PRETTY FUNNY, HUH?

- SO FUNNY I'M GETTING LAUGH LINES.

- WHAT IS--WHAT IS THIS?

- I'M CHARTING THE BEST ROUTE FOR OUR TRIP THIS WEEKEND.

- HONEY, YOU'RE ALL OVER THE MAP.

YOUR AUNT SHIRLEY LIVES IN ORLANDO.

IT'S STRAIGHT UP THE TURNPIKE.

- OH, NO! I WILL NOT HAVE MY SON BREATHING HIGHWAY FUMES.

- OKAY, WE'LL TAKE THE OCEAN ROUTE.

- AND DRIVE BY THAT NUCLEAR REACTOR?

NO.

- FINE, THEN WE'LL TAKE ROUTE 27.

- ORANGE GROVES. I WILL NOT HAVE SCOTTY WITNESSING

THE PLIGHT OF THE MIGRANT WORKER.

- CAROL, I HAVE AN IDEA.

LET'S JUST PACK HIM IN STYROFOAM AND SHIP HIM PARCEL POST.

- LIFE GOES ON, AND SO DO WE

- MAXINE, MAXINE...

THIS IS AN HISTORIC OCCASION.

WRITE DOWN THE DATE, THE TIME, THE PLACE,

SEAL IT, PUT IT IN A SAFE.

LAVERNE TODD...

IS LATE.

- NO, SHE ISN'T.

I TOLD HER SHE COULD SLEEP IN.

- SO CLOSE.

- SHE HASN'T BEEN GETTIN' MUCH SHUT-EYE

SINCE SHE STARTED FILLIN' IN FOR HER FRIEND

AT SOPHIA'S RETIREMENT HOME.

- OY VEY! THE TRAFFIC I HAD TO SCHLEP THROUGH!

WHAT A PAIN IN MY TOKUS!

I WAS SPEAKIN' THAT YIDDISH AGAIN, WASN'T I?

- LIKE A MAVEN.

- THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR STAYIN' UP ALL NIGHT

A-KIBITZIN' WITH MRS. GOLDFARB.

- SO, UH, HOW'S SOPHIA DOING?

- OH, DOCTOR, AIN'T YOU HEARD?

SOPHIA'S A-GOIN' STEADY.

- [gasping] A-GOIN' STEADY?

YOU MEAN, LIKE "PINNED"?

- KINDA.

MR. PLOTKIN GAVE HER HIS MEDIC ALERT BRACELET.

- HOW--HOW SWEET.

IT'S MEDICALLY UNWISE, BUT SWEET.

- SWEET? IT'S DOWNRIGHT ROMANTIC.

I MEAN, YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN THOSE TWO LITTLE LOVEBIRDS

A-CURLED UP ON THEIR HEATIN' PAD.

[swing music playing]

- YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO YOUNG

- CARE TO DANCE?

- I'D LOVE TO.

- BELLS TO BE RUNG

- I TELL YA...

FOR A MAN WITH AN ARTIFICIAL HIP, YOU CAN REALLY SWING.

- 'CAUSE YOU MAKE ME FEEL

[applauding]

- HEY, VIVIAN, YOU TAKE REQUESTS?

- SURE, SOPHIA.

- GO TO BED.

- WELL, UH, I BETTER GET BACK UPSTAIRS,

I--I LIKE TO WATCH THE 11:00 NEWS.

- BUT IT'S ONLY 8:30.

- IF I HURRY, I CAN JUST MAKE IT.

- NATHAN, THAT'S SOME JACKET.

DID ANYONE EVER TELL YOU YOU'RE A SNAPPY DRESSER?

- MANY TIMES.

- THEY WERE LYING.

- I'M GONNA TICKLE YOU.

- I'M GONNA LET YOU.

- YOU ALL GO TOGETHER LIKE SPAGHETTI AND MATZAH BALLS.

- SO, FLORENCE NIGHTINGALE, HOW'S THE BEDPAN BUSINESS?

- I GOT MY HANDS FULL.

- [chuckles]

- HEY, MATZAH BALLS, HOW 'BOUT GETTING US SOME PUNCH?

- OKAY, AND, UH...

FEEL FREE TO TALK ABOUT ME WHEN I'M GONE.

- DREAM ON, FABIO.

SO...

WHAT DO YOU THINK? QUITE A CATCH, HUH?

- OH, HE'S A KEEPER FOR SURE.

DO Y'ALL THINK YOU'LL GET MARRIED?

- NAH, I DON'T THINK SO. I'M CATHOLIC, HE'S JEWISH.

- SO? WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT?

- IT WOULD KILL HIS MOTHER.

- CAROL, WHAT IS-- WHAT'S ALL THIS?

- JUST A FEW PROVISIONS FOR SCOTTY'S FIRST ROAD TRIP.

- HONEY, WE'LL NEVER FIT ALL THIS IN THE CAR.

- WELL, I THOUGHT WE'D TAKE TWO CARS.

- TWO CARS?

- YOU WILL DRIVE THE ESCORT VEHICLE,

CREATING A ZONE OF SAFETY,

AND I WILL FOLLOW-- - NO, CAROL. NO.

ONE CAR, AND ONE CAR ONLY.

- FINE, BUT I WANNA LEAVE FOR ORLANDO AT 4:00 AM.

FRIDAY'S A VERY BIG TRAVEL DAY.

- SO, GUYS GOING OUT OF TOWN, HUH?

- NO.

- BUT YOU JUST SAID YOU'RE GOING ON A TRIP.

- I DON'T RECALL THAT.

- JUST NOW. TO YOUR DAD.

- MY DADDY'S NOT HERE.

- SO WHAT? AM I DREAMING?

- OKAY.

- COOL.

- HI, CHARLES.

- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

THIS CAN'T BE A DREAM.

OTHERWISE YOU'D BE NAKED.

YOU LIED TO ME.

WHY?

- IF YOU MUST KNOW,

I WAS AFRAID YOU WOULD OFFER TO HOUSE SIT.

- SO YOU'RE SAYING YOU DON'T TRUST ME?

- BASICALLY, YES.

- AREN'T I YOUR BEST FRIEND?

- BASICALLY, NO.

- HARRY?

- "BEST" IS...

SUCH AN AMBIGUOUS WORD, YOU KNOW?

- FINE, IF YOU THINK THAT LITTLE OF ME,

IF YOU THINK I'M SO IRRESPONSIBLE,

I'LL GIVE YOU YOUR HOUSE KEY BACK.

- FINE. - I CAN'T. I LOST IT.

- MR. PLOTKIN, YOU FORGOT YOUR VITAMINS.

- COME IN, LAVERNE.

JUST, UH, PUT THEM ON THE DRESSER.

- OH.

- I, UH, KNEW YOU'D COME.

[spray]

- WELL, YOU FORGOT THESE, MR. PLOTKIN.

- ON PURPOSE. THAT'S HOW I KNEW YOU'D COME.

AND, UH, CALL ME NATHAN.

[clap]

- MR. PLOTKIN, WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOIN'?

[clap]

- DON'T BE COY.

I SAW THE WAY YOU LOOKED AT ME AT DINNER.

- EVERYBODY LOOKED AT YOU AT DINNER.

YOUR TEETH FELL OUT.

- I WAS, UH-- I WAS JUST SHOWBOATING.

[clap]

[clap]

AH, YOU LIKE IT WITH THE LIGHTS ON.

- NOW, YOU STOP THIS FOOLISHNESS.

- HEY! ENOUGH WITH THIS CLAPPING.

YOU JUST SHUT OFF MY RESPIRATOR.

- I HAVE WORK TO DO.

HOW DARE YOU DO THIS TO SOPHIA?

- AH, SOPHIA'S A FUN OLD GAL,

BUT GOD, I LOVE A WOMAN IN LIGHT STOCKINGS.

COME ON, LET'S DANCE.

- I AIN'T A-GONNA DANCE WITH YOU.

- UH, WOULD YOU DANCE FOR ME?

- NOW, MR. PLOTKIN, YOU ARE BEHAVIN' LIKE A HORSE'S ASS.

I'M A-LEAVIN' THIS ROOM AND WE WILL NOT SPEAK OF THIS AGAIN.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, I--I'M SORRY.

UH, LAVERNE...MY PILLS.

TAKE MY TEMPERATURE, I'M ON FIRE.

- MR. PLOTKIN, MY WORD.

NOW WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

- OH, NATHAN...

NATHAN?

LAVERNE?

- SOPHIA, I CAN EXPLAIN-- - DON'T BOTHER.

I KNOW FOREPLAY WHEN I SEE IT.

- BUT SOPHIA--

[slap]

- OH, MY NERVES. MY NERVES.

OH, MY NERVES. MY NERVES.

- LAVERNE, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

- ARE YOU DEAF? IT'S MY NERVES.

- WOULD YOU LIKE SOME QUIET TIME ALONE?

PLEASE GOD?

- SOPHIA'S BOYFRIEND HIT ON ME LAST NIGHT.

- YOU'RE KIDDING.

- IF I'M LYIN', I'M DYIN'.

- WHAT--DOES SOPHIA KNOW?

- SHE OUGHT TO, SHE WALKED IN MID-HIT.

- WELL, DID YOU EXPLAIN IT TO HER?

- WELL, I COULDN'T. SHE RAN OFF TO HER ROOM

AND CRANKED UP THE SOUNDTRACK FROM THAT COCOON.

I FIGURE SHE'LL TALK TO ME WHEN SHE'S READY.

- THERE YOU ARE, YOU TWO-BIT, LOW-RENT FLOOZY.

- SHE'S READY.

SOPHIA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- THE EVIL EYE. IT DOESN'T WORK WITH GLASSES.

- ALL RIGHT THAT'S--COME ON, COME ON, PLEASE.

THAT'S ENOUGH.

- FINE. I'M GETTING A HEADACHE ANYWAY.

- SOPHIA, ABOUT LAST NIGHT-- - OH, SAVE YOUR BREATH.

NATHAN EXPLAINED EVERYTHING.

YOU TRIED TO HAVE YOUR WAY WITH HIM,

BUT THANK GOD HE WAS STRONG.

YOU...

YOU...YOU AMY FISHER, YOU!

- SO DREYFUSS GETS FED TWICE A DAY,

THE SPRINKLERS GO ON AT 5:00 AND THE TRASH GOES OUT AT 7:00.

OKAY? ANY QUESTIONS?

- YES.

WHY IS CHARLEY AT THE WINDOW?

- CHARLEY.

YES, YOU. GET IN HERE.

- WHY IS HE OUT THERE IN THE FIRST PLACE?

- I DON'T KNOW, BUT HE SEEMS TO KEEP THE CROWS AWAY.

CHARLEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT THERE?

- OH, JUST STANDING ON THE OUTSIDE,

LOOKING IN.

I THINK THE REAL QUESTION, HARRY, IS:

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I WAS SHOWING MAXINE THE ROPES.

- WELL, YOU WOULDN'T HAVE TO SHOW ME THE ROPES.

I HAPPEN TO KNOW THEY'RE IN THE GARAGE.

- LOOK, CHARLEY, I DON'T MEAN TO HURT YOUR FEELINGS,

BUT MAXINE IS WATCHING THE HOUSE.

THAT'S THE END OF IT.

- OKAY, FINE, HARRY. NO PROBLEM.

MAXINE, IF YOU NEED ANYTHING, AND YOU WILL,

DON'T HESITATE TO CALL ME.

555-1685.

- 1684.

- WELL, THANK YOU, MR. MEMORY.

- OH, CHARLEY!

OH, FOR GOD'S SAKE, GET IN HERE.

DIDN'T ANYBODY EVER TEACH YOU HOW TO BARK?

[barking]

NOW WHO WERE YOU DOING OUT THERE THIS TIME?

- THAT'S HOW MUCH YOU KNOW ABOUT HOUSE SITTING.

I WAS PATROLLING THE PERIMETER.

- CHARLEY, DO YOU MIND?

I'D LIKE TO HAVE A LITTLE PRIVACY.

I WANNA TAKE A NICE HOT BATH, CURL UP WITH A GOOD BOOK,

AND ENJOY MYSELF.

SO GO HOME!

[phone ringing]

HELLO.

YES, THIS IS DR. DOUGLAS.

UH-HUH.

WELL, GET HIM TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.

I'LL BE THERE AS SOON AS I CAN.

CHARLEY, I'VE GOT A RUPTURED APPENDIX.

- NO WONDER YOU'RE SO CRANKY.

- NOT ME. MY PATIENT.

I HAVE TO GET TO THE EMERGENCY ROOM.

I'LL BE BACK AS SOON AS I CAN, CHARLEY.

OH, MY GOD. I FORGOT TO TURN OFF THE BATH.

- NO, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, I GOT IT.

- OH, THANKS. AND DON'T FORGET TO LOCK THE DOOR.

- WAY AHEAD 'A YA.

- WHEN I LEAVE, YOU IDIOT.

- JUST FOR THAT, I'M NOT GONNA LOCK IT.

HEY, IT'S TIME FOR BAYWATCH.

[dripping]

[barking]

DREYFUSS. BE QUIET.

THIS IS MY FAVORITE PART, WHERE THEY RECITE THE LIFEGUARD OATH.

[dripping]

YOU CAN ALMOST FEEL THE OCEAN SPRAY.

[dripping]

TIME FOR ANOTHER BOWL OF POPCORN,

THIS ONE'S FULL OF WATER.

UH-OH.

BATHTUB.

- [spitting]

NOTHING.

NURSE, I NEED FLUIDS.

[knocking on the door]

HEY, THAT'S FAST.

MUST BE GETTING NEAR CHRISTMAS.

LAVERNE, COME IN.

- HELLO, MR. PLOTKIN.

I THINK YOU KNOW WHY I'M HERE.

- ABSOLUTELY. YOU CAME BACK FOR A LITTLE ACTION.

- I DID NO SUCH THING.

- COME ON, DOLL FACE,

ONCE YOU'VE HAD GREY, THERE'S NO OTHER WAY.

- NOW, YOU LISTEN UP.

I HAVE HAD ENOUGH OF YOUR SHENANIGANS,

AND YOU'RE RUININ' MY FRIENDSHIP WITH SOPHIA.

NOW, I WANT YOU TO MARCH YOURSELF RIGHT DOWN TO HER ROOM

AND TELL HER EXACTLY WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT.

- FORGET IT.

- WELL, I CAN SEE I'M WASTIN' MY TIME HERE.

AND TO THINK I SNUCK YOU EXTRA TAPIOCA.

- AND WHEN YOU DECIDE YOU WANT ME, DON'T COME BEGGING.

I FIND IT A TURN-OFF.

- BOY, THAT'S A PERFECT MATCH.

- THAT'S WHY THEY CALL US "THE PLASTER MASTERS".

- WELL, WHATEVER IT COSTS, IT'S WORTH IT.

SO HOW MUCH?

- HERE YOU GO.

- WHAT? ARE YOU CRAZY?

- HEY, I HAD TO BRING 3 GUYS, IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

WE MISSED THE END OF BAYWATCH.

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

THIS IS REALLY GONNA CLEAN OUT THE OLD CHECKING ACCOUNT.

AND THEN SOME.

OH, MY GOD. IT'S MAXINE. QUICK. OUT THE BACK.

- BUT, LOOK, IF IT STARTS TO BUBBLE OR ANYTHING LIKE THAT--

- YEAH, RIGHT BYE-- GOOD. MOVE. MOVE. MOVE.

OH.

HEY. UH, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE IN ORLANDO.

- WE HAD TO COME BACK,

BECAUSE DADDY FORGOT SCOTTY'S FAVORITE BLANKET.

- YOU SAID YOU HAD IT. - I SAID I HAD HIS PACIFIER.

- WHO KNOWS WHAT YOU SAY?

THE BLANKET IS "BIGGIE." THE PACI IS "POOKIE."

WHERE'S--WHERE'S MAXINE?

- AT THE HOSPIE.

YOUR PRECIOUS MAXINE ABANDONED YOUR HOUSE

JUST BECAUSE SOME GUY'S APPENDIX BURST.

- CHARLEY, OBVIOUSLY IT WAS AN EMERGENCY.

- FACE IT, HARRY, MAXINE DROPPED THE BALL,

AND WHO WAS THERE TO FALL ON IT?

OL' UNRELIABLE, IRRESPONSIBLE CHARLEY DIETZ.

- LOOK, CHARLEY, I'M SORRY IF WE HURT YOUR FEELINGS, BUT...

I MEAN, WITH YOUR TRACK RECORD, WE SOMETIMES GET THE FEELING

IF WE LEFT YOU ALONE IN THE HOUSE FOR FIVE MINUTES

YOU'D DESTROY THE PLACE.

- WELL, I GUESS I PROVED YOU WRONG.

- WELL, I GUESS-- I GUESS YOU DID.

COME ON, PAL, GIVE ME A HAND WITH THE BAGS, WILL YOU?

- OKAY, BUDDY.

AND I GUESS YOU KNOW NOW WHO YOU CAN TRUST.

[creaking]

- I'M TELLIN' YOU, HE WAS AFTER ME.

- OH, COME ON, LAVERNE. THE MAN'S 80 YEARS OLD.

YOU TRYING TO TELL ME YOU COULDN'T OUTRUN HIM?

- THAT IS NOT THE POINT.

THE POINT IS HOW DO I MAKE IT RIGHT WITH SOPHIA?

- WELL, THE TWO OF YOU WILL WORK IT OUT.

TIME HAS A WAY OF TAKING CARE OF THESE THINGS.

- WELL...NATHAN IS DEAD AND YOU KILLED HIM.

- WHAT? - HIS TICKER GAVE OUT.

THEY FOUND HIM THIS MORNING.

- SOPHIA, THAT'S TERRIBLE.

BUT HOW'S THAT LAVERNE'S FAULT?

- SHE WENT TO HIS ROOM LAST NIGHT.

THEY HAD A QUARREL. THERE WERE WITNESSES.

- BUT WHEN I LEFT, HE WAS FINE.

MAYBE A LITTLE RED IN THE FACE, BUT HE WAS FINE.

- THEN YOU ADMIT IT.

I WANT THE WORLD TO KNOW THIS WOMAN IS A BLACK WIDOW.

- EXCUSE ME, MY MOTHER'S A BLACK WIDOW.

- SOPHIA...

I ONLY WENT TO TELL MR. PLOTKIN TO DO THE RIGHT THING.

- I'M NOT FALLING FOR ANY OF YOUR HILLBILLY TRICKS.

- SOPHIA, I HATE TO BE THE ONE TO TELL YOU THIS, BUT...

MR. PLOTKIN MADE A PASS AT ME.

- HE MADE A PASS AT YOU?

- TWO. TWO PASSES.

- MY NATHAN? I--

I...CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

- OH, LORDY.

- WELL, LAVERNE, THIS IS JUST SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED.

YOU CAN'T BLAME YOURSELF FOR THE MAN'S HEART ATTACK.

- NO.

BUT I CAN BLAME MYSELF FOR HURTIN' SOPHIA.

DID YOU SEE THE LOOK ON HER FACE?

SHE BELIEVED THAT MAN CARED FOR HER AND I TOOK THAT AWAY.

I HAD TO GO AND TELL HER THE TRUTH.

- TELLING THE TRUTH IS ALL YOU CAN DO.

- YOU'RE WRONG, DOCTOR. I CAN DO A LOT BETTER.

I CAN LIE MY TOKUS OFF.

- UH, FOLKS, AS YOU ARE AWARE, UH...

NATHAN PLOTKIN PASSED ON LAST NIGHT.

NOW, I'M GONNA LEAVE THE MIC OPEN

TO THOSE OF YOU WHO WANNA SAY A FEW WORDS IN HIS MEMORY.

JUST DON'T MENTION HOW CHEAP HE WAS.

VIVIAN?

- YOU MAKE ME FEEL SO YOUNG - OH, MY--

- YOU MAKE ME FEEL LIKE-- - VIV, VIV...

PLEASE.

- OH, WELL.

- IS--IS THIS THING ON?

[knocking]

COME IN.

WHO--WHO'S THERE?

OH, EXCUSE ME, I GOT TO GET TO THE DOOR.

- WELL, AS YOU CAN SEE, IN OUR EXCITEMENT,

SOME OF US FORGOT OUR MEDICATION.

- LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT NATHAN.

HE WAS A GOOD MAN

AND A SO-SO DANCER.

HE WAS A MAN WHO KNEW WHAT HE WANTED.

BOILED CHICKEN FOR LUNCH, BRISKET FOR DINNER.

WE'LL ALL MISS HIM.

- SOPHIA...

COULD I SAY SOMETHIN'?

- AND NOW, A FEW WORDS FROM THE ASSASSIN.

- UM... [clearing throat]

FIRST OFF, I WOU-- I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY

I'M JUST TERRIBLY SORRY ABOUT MR. PLOTKIN.

UM, IT IS TRUE WE ARGUED.

AND I SHOULDA HELD MY TONGUE, BUT HOW MUCH CAN A WOMAN TAKE?

NATHAN SPURNED ME, AND I LOST MY TEMPER.

YES, I WANTED HIM AND I THREW MYSELF AT HIM.

BUT HE WOULDN'T HAVE ME.

AND WHY?

BECAUSE HIS ONE TRUE LOVE WAS THAT WOMAN.

SOPHIA PETRILLO.

- OH, EXCUSE ME.

IT SO HAPPENS THAT NATHAN LOVED ME.

- OH, THE HELL YOU SAY.

HE GAVE ME HIS MEDIC ALERT BRACELET.

- [gasping]

- OH, YEAH? WELL, FOR YOUR INFORMATION,

THE MAN DIED IN MY ARMS.

- [gasping]

- SHE MUST'VE BEEN SINGING TO HIM.

- VIVIAN?

- WELL, IT WAS LATE, LAVERNE HAD LEFT.

AFTER IT HAPPENED, I SNUCK OUT OF HIS ROOM.

I MEAN, I'M SORRY, I DIDN'T WANNA GET A REPUTATION.

- PLAY SOMETHING, ESTHER, PLEASE.

[piano playing, women arguing]

- SO THAT WHOLE SPEECH ABOUT YOUR THROWING YOURSELF AT HIM...

THAT WAS A BUNCH OF BALONEY?

- PRETTY MUCH.

WELL, EXCEPT FOR THE PART ABOUT YOU BEING SPECIAL TO HIM.

EVERY TIME HE LOOKED AT YOU, HE HAD THAT LITTLE TWINKLE.

- NATHAN TWINKLED AT EVERYONE. HE HAD A GLASS EYE.

- NOW, SOPHIA, YOU KNOW IN YOUR HEART YOU WERE THE ONE.

- THANKS, KID.

[women arguing]

- YES, IT WAS. - NO, IT WASN'T.

- YES, IT WAS. - IT WAS NOT.

- WILL YOU SETTLE A PROBLEM, LAVERNE?

- SHOOT.

- IS SEX FUN?

- NOW, IF YOU DON'T REMEMBER,

YOU WEREN'T A-DOIN' IT RIGHT.

- I TOLD YOU.

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