Original subtitles

- [sniffing] MMM-MMM-MMM.

WHAT DO YOU THINK, DREYF?

NOT BAD, HUH?

- CHARLEY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- MAKING A MARINARA SAUCE.

- HERE? WHY CAN'T YOU DO IT IN YOUR OWN KITCHEN?

UGH! OH, MY GOD.

HOW MUCH WINE DID YOU PUT IN THERE?

- WHOLE BOX.

- [sneezes]

- GESUNDHEIT.

OH, MY GOD. HE SNEEZED.

- [sneezes]

- TWICE.

AND HIS LITTLE NOSE IS RUNNING.

OH, MY GOD. SCOTTY HAS A COLD.

IT'S MY BABY'S FIRST COLD.

- WANT TO GIVE HIM A LITTLE MARINARA SAUCE?

- I HAVE TO CALL DADDY AT THE CONVENTION IN WASHINGTON.

OOH, HOW OPPORTUNE.

HE CAN CONSULT WITH THE SURGEON GENERAL.

- MMM, MY SAUCE, I LIKE TO PUT IT ON LASAGNA

- LIFE GOES ON

- CAROL, WHATEVER IT IS, IT'S NOT THAT BAD.

- YES, IT IS.

CHARLEY'S LASAGNA EXPLODED.

THERE'S BOLOGNA EVERYWHERE.

OH, GOD, I'M EXHAUSTED.

I HAVE BEEN CLEANING ALL MORNING.

I'VE BEEN SWEEPING, DUSTING, VACUUMING.

I'VE ALMOST GOT THE HOUSE CLEAN ENOUGH

FOR THE CLEANING SERVICE.

- YOU'RE CLEANING FOR A CLEANING SERVICE?

- WELL, I DON'T WANT THEM TO THINK ME SLOVENLY.

- YOU REMIND ME OF MY UNCLE VITO.

- OH, WAS HE FASTIDIOUS TOO?

- NO, BUT HE ALWAYS HAD A LITTLE PIECE OF BOLOGNA

HANGING OFF HIS CHIN.

SO WHAT'S WITH ALL THIS CLEANING?

- THE DOCTOR THINKS SCOTTY'S SNEEZING MIGHT BE AN ALLERGY.

WE'VE GOT TO CLEAN THE ENTIRE HOUSE

TO FIND OUT WHAT'S CAUSING IT.

- YOU'RE RIGHT TO BE CAREFUL.

BACK IN SICILY, JIMMY "THE SNITCH" FAZIO

HAD AN ALLERGY THAT KILLED HIM.

- THE POOR MAN.

WHAT WAS HE ALLERGIC TO?

- CEMENT.

[knock on door]

- THAT MUST BE THE CLEANING SERVICE.

MY GIRLFRIENDS JUST LOVE THEM.

- WHAT'S TO LOVE ABOUT A CLEANING SERVICE?

HELLO.

- HI.

WE'RE THE STUDS WITH SUDS.

- AND I'M THE ITALIAN IN NEED OF A STALLION.

- BACK OFF, OLD WOMAN. THEY'RE MINE.

- I TOLD YOU THEY WERE CUTE.

THAT'S A DOLLAR A PIECE.

- SOPHIA, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

- UH, YOUR COUCH BECAME WEIGHTLESS.

WE'RE TRYING TO HOLD IT DOWN.

- THANKS, SOPHIA.

CAROL, I WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

- OH, HI, DADDY. HOW WAS WASHINGTON?

- WHAT'S WITH THE STEROID FESTIVAL IN THE LIVING ROOM?

- DADDY, THOSE MEN ARE DEDICATED PROFESSIONALS.

NO GERM, NO MICROBE,

NO FUNGUS WILL ESCAPE THEIR SCRUTINY.

- CAROL, SCOTTY IS MY GRANDSON.

I LOVE HIM, I ADORE HIM, BUT THIS IS--

COME ON, IT'S JUST AN ALLERGY.

IT'S NOT A LIFE-THREATENING SITUATION.

THERE'S NO NEED TO PANIC.

NOW, WHERE'S MY DREYFUSS?

- AT THE VET. - OH, MY GOD, THE VET?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME? WHY DIDN'T YOU PAGE ME?

WHAT IS WRONG WITH HIM?

- DADDY, HE STEPPED ON A THORN.

HE GOT A LITTLE INFECTION.

I THOUGHT IT BEST TO LET HIM STAY OVERNIGHT.

YOU CAN PICK HIM UP TOMORROW MORNING.

- ALL RIGHT. THANK GOD. OKAY. ALL RIGHT.

NOW, LISTEN, LISTEN, I'M A LITTLE TIRED.

I JUST WANT TO TAKE A NAP.

ARE--ARE THEY ALMOST THROUGH?

- WELL, THEY SHOULD BE. THEY'VE BEEN HERE NINE HOURS.

- NINE HOURS?

WHAT'S TAKING THEM SO LONG?

- WELL, I'VE CLEANED IT THREE TIMES.

HOW DOES IT LOOK NOW?

- PERFECT.

DO IT AGAIN.

- THAT'LL BE ANOTHER BUCK.

- WASHINGTON MONUMENT,

WASHINGTON MONUMENT AGAIN,

LINCOLN MEMORIAL,

LINCOLN MEMORIAL AGAIN,

WHITE HOUSE, WHITE HOUSE AGAIN.

- SO? COME ON, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

- I THINK I HATE TWO-FOR-ONE DEVELOPING.

- OH.

- HELLO. ANYBODY HERE?

- HEY, JEROME. - HI.

- JEROME, WE'RE NOT, UH, READY FOR PATIENTS JUST YET.

WHY DON'T YOU HAVE A SEAT?

- OH, WASHINGTON, HUH?

YOU KNOW, DURING THE WAR,

I SPENT QUITE A BIT OF TIME IN OUR NATION'S CAPITAL.

CAN'T SAY WHY.

BUT YOU'D BE SURPRISED THE THINGS I KNOW

ABOUT THE INNER WORKINGS OF THAT CITY.

CAN'T SAY WHAT.

- AH, JEROME, YOU'RE A TAD EARLY.

NOW, YOU WAIT IN THE WAITIN' ROOM.

WE'LL BE RIGHT WITH YOU. - WELL, TAKE WATERGATE.

I WAS INVOLVED WITH WATERGATE.

CAN'T SAY HOW.

I WAS SWORN TO SECRECY.

UNLESS YOU WANT TO HEAR.

- NO. IT'S ALL RIGHT. IT'S ALL RIGHT.

- DR. WESTON? DR. DOUGLAS?

YOU'UNS BEST PREPARE YOURSELVES FOR A BIG SHOCK.

- YOU HAVE A PhD IN ENGLISH?

- AT APPROXIMATELY 9:45 LAST NIGHT,

WHILE I'S CATCHIN' UP ON THOSE MEDICAID FORMS,

I HEARD AN EERIE, UNEARTHLY NOISE FROM UPSTAIRS.

- LAVERNE, IT'S PROBABLY MICE YOU WERE LISTENING TO.

- IT WAS NOT MICE.

AND YOU JUST ENDED YOUR SENTENCE

WITH A PREPOSITION, CAPTAIN GRAMMAR.

- WELL, LAVERNE, I DON'T KNOW

WHAT YOU THINK YOU HEARD LAST NIGHT,

BUT THE SECOND FLOOR OF THIS BUILDING

HAS BEEN VACANT AND SEALED OFF FOR YEARS.

EVER SINCE--

NEVER MIND.

- EVER SINCE WHAT?

- WELL, A COUPLE OF YEARS AGO,

THERE WAS A MINOR DISTURBANCE UPSTAIRS.

- WHAT KIND OF MINOR DISTURBANCE?

- SIX GANGSTERS WERE BLUDGEONED TO DEATH.

- WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT.

- THERE WE HAVE WHAT?

- GHOSTS!

- GHOSTS? OH, LAVERNE, COME ON.

- DOCTOR, EVERYBODY KNOWS

THAT WHEN PEOPLE DIE BEFORE THEIR TIME,

THEIR SPIRITS REMAIN BEHIND AND WANDER THE EARTH.

WELL, MY GRANDMA TOLD ME THAT.

- HOW WOULD SHE KNOW?

- SHE WAS DEAD AT THE TIME.

- OKAY, AUNT LUCIA,

GIVE MY BEST TO ALL THE FAMILY IN SICILY.

NO, NO. THESE CALLS DON'T COST THAT MUCH.

I HAVE ONE OF THOSE FRIENDS-AND-FAMILY DEALS.

I GO TO MY FRIEND'S AND CALL MY FAMILY.

CIAO. [doorbell rings]

- SOPHIA, COULD YOU GET THE DOOR, PLEASE?

- WHO'S THERE?

- IT'S ME, HARRY. I FORGOT MY HOUSE KEY.

- HOW DO I KNOW IT'S YOU?

- WELL, SOPHIA, JUST--

WHY DON'T YOU JUST LOOK OUT THE WINDOW?

- HOW DO I KNOW YOU WON'T FLASH ME?

- SOPHIA, OPEN THE DOOR.

- I DON'T OPEN THE DOOR FOR STRANGERS.

- SOPHIA, WHO'S AT THE DOOR?

- YOUR FATHER.

I'M TAKING HIM ON A TRIP TO WACKY LAND.

- HERE WE GO. - DREYFIE, WELCOME HOME.

- THERE'S MY DREYFIE. - HI, DADDY.

- LOOK, EVERYBODY'S HERE. DREYFIE, COME OVER HERE.

LOOK WHO'S HERE. SCOTTY, DREYF IS HOME.

LOOK AT THAT. HOW'S MY LITTLE BOY TODAY?

- HE'S TERRIFIC, DADDY. NOT A SNEEZE IN TWO DAYS.

THAT CLEANING REALLY WORKED.

FROM NOW ON, STUDS WITH SUDS WILL BE COMING TWICE A MONTH.

- HONEY, DO WE REALLY NEED THEM THAT OFTEN?

- WELL, THE HOUSE GETS KIND OF DUSTY.

- YEAH, BUT, I MEAN, THEY'RE KIND OF EXPENSIVE.

- DADDY, I WANT THEM.

- OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

- OH, THIS IS SO NICE.

ALL IS RIGHT WITH THE WORLD.

SCOTTY'S ALLERGIES ARE GONE,

DREYFUSS IS HOME...

- [sneezes]

- OH, NO.

DREYF, NOT YOU.

COME, COME, COME. THAT'S ALL RIGHT. LET'S SEE.

- OH, BOY! OH, BOY!

I NEVER HAD A DOG BEFORE IN MY LIFE.

OH, YOU'RE GONNA LIKE IT HERE, DREYFUSS.

WELCOME TO YOUR NEW HOME.

- THIS IS NOT HIS NEW HOME, CHARLEY.

IT'S TEMPORARY UNLESS WE ABSOLUTELY PROVE

THAT DREYFUSS IS CAUSING SCOTTY'S ALLERGIES.

- [scoffs] HOW MUCH PROOF DO YOU NEED?

THE KID'S FINE, THE DOG SHOWS UP,

THE KID'S SICK-- CASE CLOSED.

- CASE IS NOT CLOSED. WE'LL SEE WHAT HAPPENS.

- I UNDERSTAND, HARRY. MY DOG IS YOUR DOG.

- NO. YOUR DOG IS MY DOG.

I MEAN, MY DOG IS MY DOG.

YOU DON'T HAVE A DOG.

I MEAN DREYFUSS BEEN WITH US EVER SINCE HE WAS A PUP.

SEVEN YEARS HE'S PART OF MY LIFE.

- I UNDERSTAND, HARRY.

HE'S YOUR DOG.

I THINK I'LL CALL HIM SPIKE.

- WATCH OUT. TAKE IT EASY.

TAKE GOOD CARE OF HIM.

NO, DREYF. STAY. YOU HAVE TO STAY.

STAY. STAY. STAY. JUST STAY.

STAY.

- [barking]

- A DOZEN EGG ROLLS,

AND DON'T FORGET THE PORK FRIED RICE.

THANK YOU.

- ALL RIGHT, CHINESE FOR LUNCH.

- WRONG, I'M HAVIN' A LITTLE GET-TOGETHER

AFTER CLINIC HOURS.

AND DON'T ASK ME WHAT FOR,

BECAUSE I WOULD RATHER NOT SUBJECT MYSELF

TO YOUR RIDICULE AND SKEPTICISM.

- LAVERNE, I WON'T MAKE FUN OF YOU.

I PROMISE.

NOW, WHAT'S GOING ON?

- I'M HAVIN' SIX GHOSTS FOR DINNER.

I DID NOT EXPECT YOU TO UNDERSTAND.

BUT IF YOU CARE TO EDUCATE YOURSELF

IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE IN THIS BOOK ON THE AFTERLIFE,

I'M OKAY, YOU'RE DEAD.

- OKAY, SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST GIVE ME

THE CAPSULE VERSION?

- OKAY.

IF THESE SPIRITS CAN BE CONVINCED

THAT THEY ARE TRULY DEAD,

THEN THEY WILL VACATE THESE PREMISES

AND PROCEED TO THE GREAT BEYOND.

- SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA SAY--

"HERE'S AN EGG ROLL. GO TOWARD THE LIGHT"?

- YES.

BUT THE BOOK SAYS I MUST RE-CREATE

AS CLOSELY AS POSSIBLE

THE CIRCUMSTANCES OF THEIR DEMISE.

- UH-HUH.

- ACCORDING TO MY RESEARCH,

AT PRECISELY 9:45,

THEY WAS ENJOYIN' A BIG CHINESE DINNER

WHEN THEY WAS HERDED UP

AND SLAUGHTERED LIKE SO MUCH LIVESTOCK.

OH, LORD. I FORGOT TO TELL 'EM NO MSG.

- [laughing]

- HERE YOU GO, DREYF. WANT A PIECE OF BACON?

DREYFIE.

- DADDY...

YOU ARE NEVER GOING TO BOND WITH YOUR NEW PET

UNLESS YOU SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIM.

- CAROL, IT WAS VERY THOUGHTFUL OF YOU, BUT THAT

BUT THAT IS NOT A PET.

- JUST GIVE HIM A CHANCE, DADDY.

HE'S VERY ENTERTAINING.

JUST NOW, HE SWAM IN THE CASTLE

AND OUT OF THE CASTLE.

AND LOOK, DADDY, HE'S NOT AFRAID OF THE BUBBLEMAN ANYMORE.

- VERY IMPRESSIVE, DEAR.

- OH, COME ON, DADDY.

I MISS DREYFUSS TOO.

I KEEP FORGETTING HE'S NOT HERE.

LAST NIGHT I DROPPED A PIECE OF MEATLOAF ON THE FLOOR,

AND THIS MORNING IT WAS STILL THERE.

- I GUESS CHARLEY MISSED IT.

- I FEEL LIKE THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.

IF IT WEREN'T FOR SCOTTY AND ME,

DREYFUSS WOULD STILL BE HERE.

MAYBE IT'S TIME FOR ME TO MOVE OUT.

DID YOU HEAR WHAT I SAID, DADDY?

- YEAH, I THOUGHT I WAS DREAMING, YOU KNOW?

YES, DEAR.

I DON'T BLAME YOU.

IT'S JUST ONE OF THOSE THINGS.

- THANK YOU FOR SAYING THAT.

NOW, COME ON, MAKE AN EFFORT.

GIVE HIM A CHANCE.

- OKAY.

HELLO, LITTLE GUY.

HELLO, YOU.

WANT A PIECE OF BACON?

- DADDY, CALL HIM BY HIS NAME.

- NO. THAT'S IT. NO. THAT'S WHERE I DRAW THE LINE.

- DADDY.

- I'M NOT CALLING THAT THING "DREYFISH."

COME ON. NO.

DREYFIE, DREYFIE... COME HERE.

OH, COME HERE, MY BUD.

COME OVER HERE. LET ME SEE YOU.

OH, MY GOSH, I MISS YOU SO MUCH.

I COULDN'T SLEEP.

CHARLEY TREATING YOU ALL RIGHT? YEAH?

BASICALLY HE'S A GOOD GUY.

- HEY!

IF THAT'S A BURGLAR OUT THERE, YOU'RE IN THE WRONG HOUSE!

THE GUY NEXT DOOR IS A DOCTOR,

AND I HAPPEN TO KNOW HE DOESN'T HAVE A WATCHDOG.

- CHARLEY, IT'S ME, THE DOCTOR WITHOUT THE WATCHDOG.

- HARRY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- CAME OVER TO SEE DREYF.

- HOW'D YOU LIKE IT IF I BARGED INTO YOUR HOUSE

WHENEVER I FELT LIKE IT?

- WHAT?

- YOU DON'T CALL. YOU DON'T KNOCK.

NEXT THING YOU KNOW, YOU'LL BE EATING MY FOOD

AND DRINKING MY BEER.

- FRANKIE "THE TONGUE" CONROY, COME ON DOWN.

FAT LOUIE KAPLAN, COME ON DOWN.

CHOW TIME, DEAD BOYS.

- BETTER SET ANOTHER PLACE.

I HEAR CASPER'S COMING.

- DID YOU COME HERE JUST TO MOCK ME?

- I'M SORRY, LAVERNE. I'M A WOMAN OF SCIENCE.

I JUST CAN'T BUY INTO THIS GHOST STUFF.

- I BELIEVE YOU WILL ALLOW

THEY IS SOME THINGS THAT EVEN SCIENCE CANNOT EXPLAIN.

- YES. YOU, FOR EXAMPLE.

[person snoring]

[wheezing]

- I TOLD YOU. I TOLD YOU, DOCTOR. SEE?

THAT'S THE SOUND I HEARD THE OTHER NIGHT.

AND NOW THE SPIRITS ARE ALL RILED UP.

- LAVERNE, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

[person snoring]

[wheezing]

I'M GONNA GO SEE WHAT'S GOING ON.

- I WOULDN'T GO UP THERE IF I WAS YOU.

- I KNOW YOU WOULDN'T, BUT I AIN'T 'FRAID OF NO GHOST.

- THEN WHY ARE YOU TAKIN' A BASEBALL BAT?

- 'CAUSE I'D HAVE TO WAIT FIVE DAYS FOR A HANDGUN.

- YOU BE CAREFUL, DOCTOR.

OH, AND DON'T FORGET TO TELL 'EM

I GOT FORKS AND CHOPSTICKS.

- JEROME!

- I'M COMIN'. I'M COMIN'.

I'M COMIN', DOCTOR.

AS SOON AS I FIND A GOOD WHOPPIN' STICK.

AND DAMN, YOU TOOK THE GOOD WHOPPIN' STICK.

OKAY!

- [sighs]

- WHAT IS THIS?

- NOT A GHOST, BUT AN INCREDIBLE SIMULATION.

- JEROME, WHAT WERE YOU DOIN' UPSTAIRS?

- HE WAS SLEEPING.

AND SNORING THE GOD-AWFULEST SNORE YOU EVER HEARD.

- THAT WAS THAT NOISE-- YOU SNORIN'?

- AIN'T MY FAULT.

TOOK A PIECE OF SHRAPNEL DURING THE WAR.

CAN'T SAY WHERE.

- WHAT WAS YOU DOIN' SLEEPIN' UPSTAIRS?

- WELL, THE SHELTER'S BEEN KIND OF CROWDED,

AND IT'S NICE AND QUIET UP THERE...

EXCEPT WHEN YOU TWO ARE AROUND.

- WELL, JEROME, I'M SORRY.

WE COULD LOSE OUR INSURANCE.

THERE'S NOBODY ALLOWED ON THE PREMISES

AFTER HOURS EXCEPT EMPLOYEES.

I'M SORRY, BUT YOU CAN'T SLEEP HERE.

- SO I GUESS IT'S BACK OUT ON THE STREET.

- JEROME, WAIT A MINUTE.

NOW, DOCTOR, I'VE BEEN THINKIN'.

COULDN'T WE USE A NIGHT WATCHMAN

SORTA KEEP AN EYE ON THAT SECOND FLOOR?

- IT'S NOT A BAD IDEA. WHAT DO YOU SAY, JEROME?

- I DON'T KNOW.

WHAT DOES THE JOB PAY?

- NOTHING. - I'LL TAKE IT.

- ALL RIGHT, WELL...

DREYFISH...

LOOKS LIKE IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.

DREYFISH?

DREYFISH? EEH.

- DADDY?

- GOD.

- DADDY, I'M TOTALLY WIPED OUT.

WOULD YOU MIND HOLDING THE BABY FOR ME FOR A WHILE?

- YEAH, GIVE ME THAT LITTLE SWEETHEART.

OH, YEAH, COME OVER HERE. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- DADDY, WHAT'S ALL OVER YOUR ROBE?

- I WAS OVER AT CHARLEY'S PLAYING WITH DREYFUSS.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE DOG HAIR.

- A LITTLE DOG HAIR?

YOU'RE COVERED IN IT.

AND LOOK AT SCOTTY, DADDY.

NOTHING'S HAPPENING.

- NO, HE'S NOT-- HE'S NOT SNEEZING.

HE'S NOT ALLERGIC TO DREYFUSS.

- DADDY, THIS IS WONDERFUL. THEN DREYFUSS CAN COME HOME.

- LISTEN, I'M GONNA GET HIM RIGHT AWAY.

- GREAT. - HERE, HOLD HIM. THERE YOU GO.

- DADDY? YOU KNOW WHAT WOULD BE NICE?

NOW THAT WE'RE GETTING DREYFUSS BACK,

WHY DON'T WE GIVE CHARLEY DREYFISH?

- [chuckles] THAT'S A GREAT IDEA.

CHARLEY, CHARLEY!

DREYFIE, I HAVE GREAT NEWS.

[laughs]

- YOU AGAIN.

- THIS IS GREAT. THE BABY IS NOT ALLERGIC TO DREYFUSS.

IT'S GOT TO BE SOMETHING ELSE.

MY ONLY HUNCH IS THAT IT'S EITHER

THE WOOL BLANKET THAT AUNT SUSAN SENT HIM

OR THAT RACCOON PELT THAT HE GOT FROM LAVERNE.

- I HAD A FEELING YOU MIGHT TRY TO PULL A STUNT LIKE THIS.

- STUNT? CHARLEY, DREYFUSS CAN COME HOME.

- [scoffs] DON'T BE SO SURE.

YOU MAY BE THE BIRTH FATHER,

BUT I'M THE ADOPTIVE FATHER.

I GOT RIGHTS.

IN FACT, I GOT A SOLID CUSTODY CASE.

- CHARLEY, THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

- OH, WELL,

JACOBY & MYERS DIDN'T THINK IT WAS RIDICULOUS.

WELL, JACOBY DID.

- LOOK, CHARLEY, I REALLY APPRECIATE EVERYTHING YOU DID.

YOU REALLY CAME THROUGH FOR ME.

HEY. THANKS.

- [sighs] YEAH.

CAN I AT LEAST HAVE A MOMENT WITH THE BIG GUY?

HEY, DREYFUSS, I'LL NEVER FORGET YOU, PAL.

YOU CAME INTO MY LIFE,

PUT A SMILE ON MY FACE, A TWINKLE IN MY EYE...

A STAIN ON MY RUG.

ADIOS, AMIGO.

I'M GONNA WALK OUT THAT DOOR, AND I'M NOT GONNA LOOK BACK.

- IF I LIVED HERE, I WOULDN'T LOOK BACK EITHER.

COME ON, DREYFUSS, WE'RE GONNA GO HOME.

LET'S GO HOME. COME ON, WE'RE GONNA GO HOME.

- [radio] AND A HIGH OF 78? IN THE GREATER MIAMI AREA.

AND NOW FOR THE ITALIAN MUSIC HOUR.

- AH, PERFECT PASTA WEATHER.

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