Original subtitles

- FOUR-LETTER WORD FOR "LEAVE QUICKLY."

[growling]

[barking]

"FLEE." VERY GOOD.

THANK YOU, PAL,

- MORNING, DADDY. - MORNING, SWEETHEART.

SCOTTY'S SLEEPING? - OH, YES. BLISSFULLY SO.

NOTHING LULLS MY SUCKLING INTO SLUMBER

LIKE A SIP OF HIS MOTHER'S SWEET NECTAR.

- CAROL, DO YOU HAVE TO BE SO EXPLICIT?

A-HA. "EXPLICIT." THERE YOU GO.

- SORRY, DADDY.

I'M JUST SO ENAMORED WITH NURSING.

YOU KNOW, NOT ONLY DO I BOND WITH MY CHILD,

I BURN OVER 500 CALORIES A DAY.

AEROBICS BE DAMNED.

I MAY BREASTFEED FOR LIFE. - HA.

- HEY, WESTONS.

I GOT GREAT NEWS, AND HERE'S A LITTLE HINT:

DING-DONG. DING-DONG.

- YOU MADE IT WITH THE AVON LADY.

- NO.

THOSE ARE WEDDING BELLS. I'M GETTING MARRIED.

- [laughing]

- OKAY, CHARLEY.

WHAT'S THE GAG? SOMEBODY NEED A GREEN CARD?

- NO.

I'M SERIOUS.

I FINALLY MET THE PERFECT SOMEONE

TO SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE WITH.

I MEAN, BESIDES YOU, HARRY.

- CHARLEY, I DIDN'T REALIZE

YOU WERE THIS SERIOUS ABOUT ANYONE.

- I'M SURE I TOLD YOU ABOUT HER. PATTY OLSEN?

HEAD WAITRESS DOWN AT THE PIE PALACE?

- OH, YEAH. THE ONE YOU TIPPED.

- HARRY, SHE'S PERFECT.

SHE'S DIFFERENT FROM EVERY GIRL I'VE EVER GONE OUT WITH.

SHE LIKES ME.

[doorbell ringing] THAT'S PROBABLY PATTY.

I LEFT A NOTE I'D BE HERE.

HI, HON. I MISSED YOU.

- MISSED YOU MORE.

- DID NOT. - DID TOO.

[laughing]

- HARRY, CAROL, THIS IS MY PATTY.

- [giggling]

- PATTY, THIS IS MY HARRY AND HIS CAROL.

[ barking ] AND THAT'S HIS DREYFUSS.

[barking] - OH, DREYF.

DREYF. DREYF. COME ON, SETTLE.

- OH, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

I JUST CAME FROM WORK, I PROBABLY REEK OF MINCED MEAT.

- MINCED MEAT. THAT JUST TURNS ME ON.

[giggling]

- WELL, UH, PATTY, CHARLEY JUST TOLD US THE GOOD NEWS, SO...

CONGRATULATIONS.

- CONGRATULATIONS? [nervous laugh]

- OH, RIGHT, HON, UH... YOU WANNA GET HITCHED?

- OH, CHARLEY.

I DO! I DO! I DO!

- LIFE GOES ON, AND SO DO WE

- [giggling] - OKAY, HARRY.

NOW GET ONE OF ME CHEWING PATTY'S GARTER OFF.

[growling] - STOP.

- CHARLEY, CHARLEY, CHARLEY, CAN'T YOU WAIT

UNTIL YOUR HONEYMOON?

- BUT THAT'S A WHOLE WEEK.

- YOU'RE GETTING MARRIED IN A WEEK?

ISN'T THAT RATHER ABSURDLY TOO SOON?

- HEY, THE SOONER PATTY AND I TIE THE KNOT,

THE SOONER WE CAN START MAKING LITTLE PATTIES.

- OH, YEAH.

AND LITTLE CHARLEYS.

- MON DIEU.

- THANKS. I'M PRETTY EXCITED TOO.

OH.

GOSH, I BET WHEN I TELL THE GALS AT THE PIE PALACE

THEY'RE JUST GONNA GO TOTALLY A LA MODE.

- COURSE, HARRY, I WANT YOU TO BE MY BEST MAN.

- REALLY? WELL, THAT'S--

THAT'S VERY NICE OF YOU. I--

OH, I WOULD--I'D BE HONORED. - GREAT. GREAT.

NOW I WENT AHEAD AND I BOOKED THE ARTUNIAN TRIPLETS

FOR THE BACHELOR PARTY.

COURSE YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO RENT A TRAPEZE

FOR MALIKA AND KIKI.

- CHARLEY, KITCHEN, NOW.

- I'LL MISS YOU.

- MISS YOU MORE.

- WILL NOT-- - THAT'S ENOUGH!

JUST GET IN THERE!

- [sighing]

- PATTY, I KNOW WE'VE ONLY JUST MET, BUT...

I'M FAIRLY CERTAIN

I KNOW CHARLEY A LITTLE BETTER THAN YOU DO.

YOU SEE, I'VE BEEN HIS NEIGHBOR FOR SEVEN LONG YEARS--

- AND YOU'RE KICKIN' YOURSELF FOR LETTIN' HIM GET AWAY, RIGHT?

[both giggling]

- RIGHT. WELL, UH...

YOU'RE GONNA BE NEEDING THAT WACKY SENSE OF HUMOR

IF YOU PLAN ON GOING THROUGH WITH THIS.

- AB--NO--ABSOLUTELY NOT.

- BUT WHAT DO YOU MEAN NO BACHELOR PARTY?

THEN WHY GET MARRIED?

- LOOK, CHARLEY, YOU KNOW, I CAN ASK CAROL IF SHE COULD...

PUT TOGETHER A QUIET LITTLE ENGAGEMENT PARTY.

THE KINDA THING YOU CAN INVITE YOUR PARENTS TO.

- SOUNDS GREAT.

BUT MOM AND DAD HAVEN'T BEEN GETTING ALONG LATELY.

IT'S ALMOST AS IF...THEY DON'T LIKE EACH OTHER ANYMORE.

- CHARLEY, THEY GOT DIVORCED.

- YEAH. THAT JUST MADE IT WORSE.

HEY, I WONDER WHO GOT CUSTODY OF ME.

- I DID!

- DR. DOUGLAS, I GOT YOUR MAIL HERE.

- OH, GOOD. I HOPE HE'S RICH, SINGLE,

AND ANSWERS TO THE NAME OF "SHAQUILLE."

- WOULD YOU SETTLE FOR A LETTER FROM HOME?

- WELL, LOOKS LIKE A BIRTHDAY CARD FROM MY AUNT MIRNA.

- IT'S YOUR BIRTHDAY?

OH, I WISH I WOULD'VE KNOWN.

- IT'S NOT TILL NEXT WEEK.

- NEXT WEEK? WHAT DAY? WHEN?

- IF I TELL YOU, PROMISE ME YOU'LL KEEP IT TO YOURSELF.

LAST THING I WANNA HEAR IS A BUNCH OF TONE-DEAF PEOPLE

SINGIN' THAT LAME OLD SONG,

REMINDIN' ME I'M ANOTHER YEAR CLOSER TO DEATH.

- THAT OLD, HUH?

I WON'T TELL A SOUL. WHEN IS IT?

- THE 15TH.

- OH!

OH!

- AND I DEFINITELY DON'T WANNA HEAR THAT.

- DOCTOR, MY BIRTHDAY'S THE 15TH TOO.

- HOW 'BOUT THAT?

- THIS EXPLAINS WHY YOU AND ME ARE SO MUCH ALIKE.

WHY, WE'RE PRACTICALLY TWINS.

- YEAH.

PATIENTS OFTEN TELL ME,

"YOU KNOW, YOU BEAR AN UNCANNY RESEMBLANCE

TO THAT SKINNY WHITE NURSE."

- COME ON, SCOTTY.

COME ON, LET'S HAVE A GREAT BIG BURP FOR GRANDPA.

JUST PRETEND YOU'RE CHARLEY. HOW 'BOUT THAT?

COME ON. [doorbell ringing]

UM, COME IN, PLEASE.

- HEY, HARRY.

YOU REMEMBER MY MOM, URSULA DIETZ.

- HELLO, YOU HANDSOME DOG, YOU.

- OH, HOW COULD I FORGET HER? HI, THERE.

HELLO, URSULA.

- OH, HARRY. WHAT A LOVELY CHILD.

NICE TO KNOW YOU STILL PACK A WALLOP.

- NO, NO, THIS IS MY DAUGHTER'S CHILD.

- OH, REALLY?

DO YOU MIND IF I HOLD THE CUTIE PIE...

CUTIE PIE?

- WELL, YES, I SUPPOSE, SURE HERE.

- [crying]

- KNOCK IT OFF.

[laughing]

- OH, DADDY, THANK GOD. I THOUGHT YOU DROPPED F. SCOTT.

- CAROL, I HAVE NEVER DROPPED SCOTTY.

HE WRIGGLED FREE ONCE DURING HIS BATH.

- MEN.

CHARLEY'S FATHER USED TO DROP HIM SO OFTEN,

IT STOPPED BEING FUNNY. [laughing]

- THAT EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

- UH, PLEASE, PLEASE, SIT DOWN. - THANK YOU.

- SO CHARLEY, HAS YOU MOM MET PATTY YET?

- OH, NO, THE PATTSTER'S STILL IN TAMPA.

SHE WANTED TO GIVE HER FOLKS THE GOOD NEWS IN PERSON.

GEE, MOM, I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE HERE

TO SHARE THE HAPPIEST DAY IN MY LIFE.

- OF COURSE YOU ARE.

NOW, HARRY...

ARE YOU, UH, SEEING ANYONE?

- OH, YES, YES, SEVERAL PEOPLE.

OH, BOY, DANCE CARD IS FULL.

[doorbell ringing]

- HI, HARRY. REMEMBER ME? FRED DIETZ. MY BOY OVER HERE?

- YEAH, SURE, FRED. COME ON IN.

- DAD! - HEY.

- I DIDN'T THINK YOU WERE GONNA MAKE IT!

- HE-HEY. ARE YOU KIDDING? MISS THE BACHELOR PARTY?

- ACTUALLY, THERE'S NOT GONNA BE ONE.

- NO BACHELOR PARTY? WHY GET MARRIED?

- MAYBE CHARLES IS IN LOVE, FRED.

- AW, IS SHE HERE?

- YES, SHE'S HERE. HE'S HER SON, TOO.

AND FOR YOUR INFORMATION, HARRY HAS GENEROUSLY OFFERED

TO THROW THE KIDS A HUGE ENGAGEMENT BASH.

- THANKS, HARRY. I'D OFFER TO CHIP IN,

BUT THINGS HAVE BEEN A LITTLE TIGHT

SINCE MY DIVORCE FROM "THE GREAT EMASCULATOR."

- WELL, NO, I UNDERSTAND. - LISTEN, URSULA...

I HATE TO BRING THIS UP, BUT ABOUT THIS MONTH'S ALIMONY--

- YOU'LL GET IT. THE CHECK IS IN THE MAIL.

NOW GET OFF MY BACK.

- HEY, BLOCKHEAD, THE MEATBALLS ARE A LOT LESS CRUNCHY

WHEN YOU TAKE OUT THE TOOTHPICKS.

CAROL, WHAT'S THIS? - ANGEL HAIR.

- WELL, TELL ANGEL TO PUT ON A HAIRNET.

[laughs]

- CHARLEY, CHARLEY, WHEN I SAID YOU COULD INVITE A FEW PEOPLE,

I MEANT A FEW.

- HEY, CHARLEY...

WHERE'S THIS FIANCEE OF YOURS?

OR HAVEN'T YOU INFLATED HER YET? [laughs]

HEY, SAILOR. ALL HANDS ON ME.

- GO AHEAD, DOCTOR.

I KNOW STUFFED MUSHROOMS IS YOUR FAVORITE.

- THANKS, LAVERNE.

WAIT A MINUTE. HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

- 'CAUSE THEY'RE MY FAVORITE, TOO.

- LAVERNE, YOU ARE REALLY STARTING TO ANNOY ME.

NOW, WE HAVE THE SAME BIRTHDAY. THAT'S IT.

- ANYONE CARE FOR A SMOKED OYSTER?

- NO, THANKS.

- YEAH, THEY MAKE US QUEASY.

- THEY MAKE YOU BOTH QUEASY?

- NO, THEY MAKE HER QUEASY. I HAPPEN TO LOVE 'EM.

- UH-HUH.

- I'M JUST FULL.

- UH-HUH.

- MM-HMM.

DELICIOUS.

I HATE YOU, LAVERNE.

[doorbell ringing]

- HI, HON. HOW WAS TAMPA?

- OH, IT WAS OKAY-- - HEY, EVERYBODY.

I WANT YOU TO MEET PATTY OLSEN, THE FUTURE MRS. CHARLEY DIETZ.

OH, PATTY, THESE ARE MY PARENTS.

- HI! NICE TO MEET YOU.

COULD YOU EXCUSE US A MINUTE?

- I DON'T GET IT. SHE SEEMS SO...NORMAL.

- 41 YEARS AGO, SO DID YOU.

- OH, I MISSED YOU. - [chuckles]

GOSH, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

- SILLY, YOU SAY, "I MISSED YOU MORE."

- CHARLEY, WHY DO YOU HAVE TO BE SUCH A SWEET GUY?

- YOU KNOW, YOU'RE THE ONLY PERSON

WHO'S EVER CALLED ME SWEET.

HON, IS SOMETHING WRONG?

- OH, NO, NO, NO, NO.

WELL, MAYBE.

UM...

YOU SEE, CHARLEY, WHEN I WAS BACK HOME,

I SORT OF RAN INTO SOMEONE.

- AND YOU'RE AFRAID THAT THIS LITTLE ACCIDENT

MIGHT AFFECT OUR CAR INSURANCE?

DON'T WORRY. I DON'T HAVE ANY.

- NO, NO, NO, CHARLEY, LISTEN, YOU SEE...

DWAYNE AND I USED TO DATE IN HIGH SCHOOL.

- DWAYNE?

- YEAH, AND HE'S DIVORCED NOW.

AND WELL...

I THINK I STILL HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM.

- BUT IF YOU HAVE FEELINGS FOR HIM,

THEN WHY ARE YOU MARRYING ME?

OH.

[knock at door] - CHARLEY, COME ON. COME ON OUT.

CHARLEY?

- I LOST HER, HARRY.

THE WOMAN I LOVE DUMPED ME.

- I'M SORRY, CHARLES.

- I'VE NEVER BEEN SO HUMILIATED.

EXCEPT FOR THE TIME OUR DRIER BROKE

AND MOM MADE ME WEAR CULOTTES TO SCHOOL.

- CHARLEY, IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.

THEY ONLY THING YOU DID WRONG, MAYBE, WAS...

LOVE A LITTLE TOO MUCH...

A LITTLE TOO FAST.

- OH, GREAT. PATTY TOLD YOU ABOUT THAT, TOO?

- CHARLEY, I HATE TO SEE YOU IN SO MUCH PAIN AND--

AND THE ONLY CURE I KNOW OF FOR A BROKEN HEART IS TIME.

COME ON, PAL. COME ON.

EVENTUALLY, THE HURT IS JUST GONNA FADE AWAY.

- YEAH, I GUESS.

I JUST WISH MY PARENTS WOULD'VE BEEN MORE SUPPORTIVE.

THEY DIDN'T REACT AT ALL.

THEY JUST KEPT EATING.

- WELL, YOUR DAD... LOOKED UP FROM HIS PLATE.

- IT'S LIKE THEY DIDN'T CARE.

OR THEY WEREN'T SURPRISED.

THEY MUST THINK I'M A LOSER.

- CHARLEY, CHARLEY, CHARLEY, COME HERE, COME HERE, LISTEN,

THE IMPORTANT THING IS...

HOW YOU FEEL ABOUT YOURSELF.

- I FEEL LIKE A LOSER. - OH, CHARLIE. OH.

- I HEARD THERE WAS ANOTHER MAN.

BUT YOU, HARRY?

- MA--MAMA-- MA--MAMA,

IT IS REAL SWEET OF YOU TO CALL ME ON MY BIRTHDAY, BUT...

DO WE HAVE TO HAVE THE SAME CONVERSATION EVERY YEAR?

YES, YES, I KNOW I WAS A DIFFICULT BIRTH.

YES, I KNOW I HAD A BIG OL' HEAD.

YES, I OWE YOU A LOT, MAMA.

I SHOULD BE THE ONE SENDING YOU A GIFT.

MAMA, THANKS FOR THINKIN' OF ME, NOW.

BYE-BYE.

- LAVERNE, YOU'VE CONVINCED ME.

SO, I GOT YOU A PRESENT I KNOW YOU'LL LIKE

BECAUSE IT'S SOMETHING I WOULD PICK OUT FOR MYSELF.

- OH, DOCTOR, YOU SHOULDN'T OF.

BUT I KNEW YOU WOULD, SO I GOT YOU SOMETHIN' TOO.

- GEE, WHAT A SURPRISE.

- MY, MY.

IT'S SO YOU.

- WHICH MUST MEAN IT'S YOU, TOO.

- YOU MADE YOUR POINT. - GOOD.

I DON'T WANNA HEAR ANOTHER PEEP ABOUT US BEING TWINS.

NOW...

HERE'S YOUR REAL PRESENT.

- YOU OL' SOFTIE. - YEAH.

- HI, DADDY. - HEY, SWEETHEART. HOW ARE YOU?

OH, YOU MADE BLUEBERRY SCONES. - AH, THEY'RE FOR CHARLEY.

I THOUGHT HE COULD USE A "WE CARE" PACKAGE.

- CAROL, I NEVER THOUGHT I'D EVER SEE YOU HAVE COMPASSION FOR CHARLEY.

- I KNOW. IT'S DISGUSTING.

I USED TO LOVE TO WATCH THE IMBECILE SUFFER.

MOTHERHOOD'S ROBBED ME OF MY EDGE.

- HI, HARRY. YOU ALWAYS GET HOME FROM WORK THIS LATE?

- WELL, THE CLINIC WAS SO JAMMED, ALL--

FRED, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT YOU HEADED BACK HOME THIS MORNING.

- I GOT ONE OF THOSE BARGAIN FARES.

I HAVE TO STAY OVER TILL MONDAY.

- HI, HARRY, SORRY TO DISTURB YOU, BUT I NEED YOUR OPINION.

WHAT ARE YOU STILL DOING HERE?

- I'D ASK YOU THE SAME THING

IF IT WASN'T SO OBVIOUS, HARRY-LOVER.

- OH, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT, STOP, NOW, THE TWO OF YOU. PLEASE.

URSULA HOW'S-- HOW'S CHARLEY DOING?

- WELL, IT'S DIFFICULT TO SAY...

I WAS OUT SHOPPING MOST THE DAY.

BE HONEST, HARRY.

TOO REVEALING FOR A WOMAN MY AGE?

- I--I--I DON'T KNOW. LISTEN.

DOESN'T EITHER ONE OF YOU CARE THAT YOUR SON

IS GOING THROUGH A VERY DIFFICULT TIME RIGHT NOW?

- GEEZ, HARRY, I DO FEEL BAD FOR, UH, CHARLEY.

- HARRY'S RIGHT, FRED.

WE REALLY SHOULD TALK TO THE BOY.

I MEAN, HOW LONG COULD IT TAKE?

- WELL, IT'S NOT GONNA BE EASY FOR ME.

I'VE NEVER BEEN THE TOUCHY-FEELY TYPE.

- OR THE TOUCHY-WIFEY TYPE.

[doorbell ringing]

- COME IN.

- HI, CHARLES. - MOM, DAD.

- HI, SON, HOW'RE YOU DOIN'?

- NEVER BETTER.

- LOOK, CHARLEY, I KNOW WE SHOULD'VE SAID THIS SOONER,

BUT YOUR MOM AND I FEEL TERRIBLE ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.

- OH, YES, SON.

THAT LITTLE PIE-PUSHER DOESN'T KNOW WHAT SHE LOST.

YOU'RE FAR TOO GOOD FOR HER.

- YOU'RE JUST SAYIN' THAT BECAUSE YOU'RE MY PARENTS.

- HE'S GOT US THERE. - YEAH.

- AND I SUPPOSE HARRY SENT YOU OVER HERE.

- HE'S GOT US AGAIN.

- CHARLEY, IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO SENT US.

WE'RE HERE 'CAUSE WE WANT YOU TO FEEL BETTER.

- REALLY? - OF COURSE.

SO INSTEAD OF MOPING AROUND ABOUT WHAT YOU LOST,

WHY DON'T YOU TRY FOCUSING ON

THE GOOD TIMES YOU HAD WITH THE GIRL?

- FRED, HOW ATYPICALLY SAGE OF YOU.

- THAT'S WHAT I DO WHEN I'M...MISSING YOU.

- FRED!

- DAD, YOU STILL THINK ABOUT MOM?

- WE SPENT 41 YEARS TOGETHER. WE HAD A FEW GOOD MOMENTS.

- GEE, ALL I REMEMBER IS YOU GUYS FIGHTING.

- YEAH, BUT AFTER EACH FIGHT, WE USUALLY MADE UP.

- UNTIL OUR SOCKS CAME OFF.

- GOD, I'VE MISSED YOU.

- I MISSED YOU MORE. - DID NOT.

- DID TOO. - DO NOT.

- DO TOO. DO TOO. [laughing]

- MOM. DAD.

GUYS? WHEN YOU'RE DONE, CAN I HAVE A HUG?

HEY, HARRY.

- CHARLEY. I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU AROUND FOR A WHILE.

- MISSED ME? - THAT'S NOT IMPORTANT.

YOU FEELING ANY BETTER? - LIKE A MILLION BUCKS.

YEAH, MY FOLKS AND I, WE HAD A GREAT TALK

AND THEN THEY KICKED ME OUT OF THE HOUSE.

IT'S LIKE WE'RE A FAMILY AGAIN.

- I'M VERY HAPPY FOR YOU.

- YOU KNOW WHAT'S EVEN BETTER?

THEY'RE GETTING REMARRIED.

- YOU'RE KIDDING.

THEY SEEM SO...

WRONG FOR EACH OTHER.

- HOW WRONG COULD THEY BE? THEY MADE ME.

- EXACTLY WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

- YOU KNOW, IT'S FUNNY, HARRY.

IF IT HADN'T BEEN FOR PATTY DUMPING ME,

MY FOLKS WOULD'VE NEVER GOT BACK TOGETHER.

- YEAH, STRANGE HOW THINGS WORK, HUH?

SO, YOU ARE FEELING BETTER, HUH?

YOU'RE--YOU'RE OVER PATTY?

- HEY, THAT'S A THING OF THE PAST.

YOU KNOW ME, HARRY. I NEVER LOOK BACK.

- THERE YOU GO. - DADDY,

IS MY MINCEMEAT PIE READY YET?

- PIE...

MINCEMEAT...

PATTY. [crying]

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

- HEY, DAD. HOW'S NIAGARA FALLS?

WELL, HOW'S THE HONEYMOON GOING?

NOT SO GOOD, HUH?

MOM. WHAT'S--WHAT'S WRONG?

- IT DIDN'T WORK OUT. HARRY HOME?

HARRY? HARRY?

OH.

HARRY, I'M--

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