Original subtitles

- HERE THEY COME. - DON'T HOLLER TOO LOUD.

WE DON'T WANNA SCARE THE YOUNG'UN.

- I'M NOT SURE HOW TO INTRODUCE MYSELF TO THE BABY.

MR. DIETZ OR UNCLE CHARLEY.

- HOW ABOUT UNCLE YUTZ?

- SURPRISE!

- WELCOME HOME.

- OH, WHAT A NICE GREETING.

- OH, LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THE GOODS.

SO, THIS IS SCOTTY WESTON.

- F. SCOTTY.

HE WAS NAMED AFTER MY FAVORITE WRITER F. SCOTT FITZGERALD.

- THE KID'S LUCKY.

HE WAS ALMOST DOSTOYEVSKY WESTON.

- UH, CAN I HOLD HIM, CAROL?

- WELL, OKAY.

- YOU GONNA GET ALL BENT OUT OF SHAPE IF I DROP HIM?

- MAYBE SOME OTHER TIME.

- WHY, YOU ARE JUST CUTER THAN SPRING LAMB

WITH A MOUTH FULL OF DANDELIONS,

AIN'T HE, SOPHIA?

- I'LL TAKE YOUR WORD FOR IT.

- OH, AND A HAPPY LITTLE FELLOW.

YOU JUST AS HAPPY AS A MOSQUITO

AT A NUDIST CAMP, AIN'T YOU, HONEY PIE?

- YEAH, LIKE A SARSAPARILLA SALESMAN

WHEN THE COTTON IS HIGH.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT THE HELL IT MEANS.

I JUST WANTED TO TRY ONE.

- THE NURSES WERE AMAZED AT HOW GOOD HE WAS.

- THAT'S TRUE. THEY SAID IT WAS

THE FIRST CASE THEY REMEMBERED

WHERE THE MOTHER CRIED MORE THAN THE BABY.

- I WAS GOING THROUGH A LITTLE POST-PARTUM DEPRESSION.

- I HAD THE SAME THING WHEN DOROTHY WAS BORN.

THEY SAY IT'LL PASS.

- LIFE GOES ON, AND SO DO WE

- HE'S SLEEPING.

DADDY, THAT IS THE BEST BABY.

- NATURALLY, HE'S A WESTON.

- I'M SERIOUS. YOU KNOW, HE PRACTICALLY

SLEPT THROUGH THE NIGHT.

YOU'RE GONNA THINK THIS IS NEUROTIC,

BUT I WENT IN THERE EVERY HALF HOUR

TO CHECK ON HIM.

- THAT IS NEUROTIC, DEAR.

I ONLY WENT IN EVERY HOUR.

- [gasping] OH, SCOTTY'S UP.

- WAIT. WHAT? I DIDN'T HEAR ANYTHING.

- YOU'RE NOT A MOTHER.

A MOTHER KNOWS THESE THINGS.

IT'S LIKE EMOTIONAL RADAR.

WHOOPS, HE JUST BLIPPED. I'D BETTER CHANGE HIM.

- LET'S GO, DREYF. TIME FOR YOUR...

WHAT IS THIS? LOW-FAT, HIGH-FIBER

VEGETARIAN DOG FOOD.

ALL RIGHT. NO DESSERT FOR YOU.

WHERE'S THE BABY? - HE'S SLEEPING.

I GUESS MY RADAR'S OFF.

- WELL, WHEN HE WANTS YOU, DEAR, HE'LL CRY.

- OH, AND WHAT A SWEET CRY HE HAS.

IT'S NOT THAT RAUCOUS GRATING SOUND

THAT MOST BABIES MAKE IT.

IT'S--IT'S GENTLE AND MELLIFLUOUS

AS IF HE WAS TRYING TO BE POLITE.

- CAROL, BABIES ARE NOT BORN WITH GOOD MANNERS.

BELIEVE ME.

AT BIRTH, YOU COULDN'T TELL EMILY POST FROM HOWARD STERN.

- MAYBE SO,

BUT THERE'S SOMETHING VERY SPECIAL ABOUT THIS BABY.

I MEAN, THE WAY HE SEEMS SO ALERT

AS IF HE WERE TAKING IN HIS SURROUNDINGS.

NEWBORNS AREN'T SUPPOSED TO BE ABLE TO DO THAT.

- WELL, YEAH, THAT IS A LITTLE UNUSUAL.

- AND YOU SHOULD SEE HOW NEAT HE KEEPS HIS CRIB.

- WELL, YOU CALL ME WHEN HE LEAVES A MINT ON THE PILLOW.

SWEETHEART, ALL NEW PARENTS THINK THAT THEIR BABY

IS THE MOST SPECIAL WONDERFUL CHILD IN THE WORLD.

IT'S NOT SOMETHING YOU COULD BE OBJECTIVE ABOUT.

- AND IS THAT HOW YOU FELT, DADDY?

THAT I WAS THE MOST SPECIAL,

WONDERFUL CHILD IN ALL THE WORLD?

- IT'S NOT SOMETHING I CAN BE OBJECTIVE ABOUT.

GOOD MORNING, MAXINE.

- HARRY.

WELL?

- WELL, WHAT?

- HOW'S THE BABY?

- OH, FINE.

- THAT'S IT? JUST FINE?

AREN'T YOU GONNA BORE ME WITH ALL THE BRILLIANT

AND ADORABLE THINGS HE DID LAST NIGHT?

- MAXINE, HE'S A BABY.

HE ATE, HE SLEPT, HE FILLED HIS DIAPER.

OF COURSE, CAROL WOULD LIKE TO THINK

THAT HE SHOWERED, SHINED HIS SHOES

AND CAUGHT THE BUS TO WORK.

- OH, I'M SORRY.

I DIDN'T REALIZE.

- DIDN'T REALIZE WHAT?

- OH, IT'S OKAY, HARRY.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH HAVING AN AVERAGE GRANDCHILD.

SOME KIDS ARE JUST DIM.

- WAIT A MINUTE HERE. WAIT A--

I DIDN'T SAY HE WAS DIM.

I JUST DON'T WANNA BE ONE OF THOSE TYPICAL

BRAGGING GRANDFATHERS.

EVEN THOUGH SCOTTY HAS INDEED SHOWN SIGNS

OF BEING A RATHER EXTRAORDINARY BABY.

- IS HE CROWIN' ABOUT THAT KID ALREADY?

- I'M--I'M NOT CROWING.

- HE'S GIVEN ME SOME NONSENSE

ABOUT SCOTTY SHINING HIS OWN SHOES.

- I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

- IF YOU GONNA MAKE UP TALL TALES ON THAT YOUNG'UN,

AT LEAST MAKE 'EM BELIEVABLE.

- ALL RIGHT, I GIVE UP.

BUT, FOR YOUR INFORMATION...

HE KEEPS A VERY NEAT CRIB.

- IS THERE ANYTHING MORE FUN THAN PULLING HIS CHAIN?

- HE'S EASIER TO REEL IN THAN A DEAD BASS.

HEY, YOU WANNA GO IN WITH ME FOR A GIFT FOR THE BABY?

- DO I GET TO PICK IT OUT?

- I DON'T KNOW. WHAT WOULD YOU PICK?

- MAYBE A PLAYPEN OR A STROLLER.

- NO GOOD. THEM'S BABY THINGS.

- MY GOD, WHAT WAS I THINKING?

I SUPPOSE YOU HAVE A BETTER IDEA.

- OF COURSE I DO.

I WANNA GIVE THAT BOY SOMETHING THAT'LL LAST

SO YEARS ON DOWN THE ROAD HE'LL LOOK AT IT AND THINK:

DR. DOUGLAS AND LAVERNE.

- HOW 'BOUT A TATTOO WITH OUR NAMES ON IT?

- IT WORKS FOR ME.

- YOU THINK THAT'S SOMETHING?

MY GRANDSON WAS TAKING SOLID FOOD AT TEN WEEKS

AND COULD SIT UP AT TWO AND A HALF MONTHS.

- YEAH? WELL, MINE CRIES POLITELY.

- HE CRIES POLITELY?

- ALL RIGHT. A SLIGHT EXAGGERATION, BUT BASED ON FACT.

I MEAN, I HAD TO SAY SOMETHING

THE WAY HE WAS CARRYING ON ABOUT HIS GRANDSON.

[telephone ringing]

BELIEVE ME, I'M PERFECTLY HAPPY WITH SCOTTY JUST AS HE IS.

AVERAGE, ORDINARY BABY...

WHO HAPPENS TO BE A WHOLE LOT BETTER THAN THAT'S GUY'S KID.

- JUST A MINUTE. EXCUSE ME, DOCTOR.

I HATE TO INTERRUPT, BUT CAROL'S ON THE LINE.

- HI, SWEETHEART. HOW'S SCOTTY?

NO, DEAR. NO, DEAR. HE COULDN'T HAVE.

BECAUSE HE'S A BABY, AND IT'S IMPOSSIBLE.

CAROL--

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I'LL SEE IT FOR MYSELF WHEN I COME HOME.

THE BABY'S... SINGING BEETHOVEN.

OH, HI, SOPHIA.

- IT'S ABOUT TIME YOU GOT HERE.

WE GOTTA TALK ABOUT THIS BABY.

- OH, CAROL TOLD YOU WHAT SHE THINKS THE BABY DID.

- THINKS, NOTHING. I HEARD IT MYSELF.

- WAIT, WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU HEARD SCOTTY SING BEETHOVEN?

- I'M TELLING YOU, HARRY. IT'S WEIRD.

THIS IS ROSEMARY'S BABY WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

- NO, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT CAROL'S BABY.

- THAT'S EVEN SCARIER.

- WHERE IS CAROL?

- IN THE OTHER ROOM WITH A CHILD PSYCHOLOGIST.

- OH, GOD.

- TAKE IT FROM ME. YOU DON'T NEED A PSYCHOLOGIST,

YOU NEED THE GHOSTBUSTERS.

- OH, DR. RUDNICK.

THIS IS MY FATHER, DR. HARRY WESTON.

- PLEASURE, DR. RUDNICK. - DR. WESTON.

- DR. RUDNICK SPECIALIZES IN CHILD PRODIGIES.

HE THINKS SCOTTY MAY BE A GENIUS.

- UH, CAROL, I DIDN'T SAY THAT.

WHAT I SAID IS THAT MANY GIFTED CHILDREN

DISPLAY EXTRAORDINARY INTELLIGENCE

AT A VERY EARLY AGE.

- CERTAINLY NOT AT ONE WEEK.

- PEOPLE ARE BORN WITH INNATE TALENTS, DOCTOR.

MOZART WAS WRITING SYMPHONIES AT THE AGE OF FIVE.

TRUE, THEY WERE LOUSY SYMPHONIES, BUT...

ANYWAY, HOW MANY GENIUSES HAVE THERE BEEN IN YOUR FAMILY?

- GENIUSES?

OH, WELL, IT'S SO HARD TO COME UP WITH AN EXACT NUMBER.

I'D SAY, OH, ROUGHLY...

WHAT WOULD YOU SAY, DADDY?

- ROUGHLY ZERO.

- WHAT ABOUT THE FATHER'S FAMILY?

- LESS THAN ZERO.

- THAT'S ODD.

THERE'S USUALLY SOME GENETIC LINK

TO ANOTHER FAMILY MEMBER OF EXCEPTIONAL ABILITIES.

- WELL...I DID PLAY PIANO AS A CHILD.

- OH.

- YEAH, SEVEN YEARS OF LESSONS, 3,500 DOLLARS,

SHE CAN PLAY THE HAPPY FARMER.

- RIGHT. NO GENIUSES.

- [crying] - OH, SCOTTY'S UP.

- MAYBE WE'LL GET TO HEAR SOMETHING.

- [rhythmic crying]

- HE'S DOING IT!

MY BABY'S SINGING BEETHOVEN!

- MY GOD, HE IS.

- THAT'S PHENOMENAL.

- THAT'S... MY GRANDSON.

HEY!

- DADDY, I THINK I MAY HAVE FOUND

SOMEONE IN THE FAMILY WHO WAS A MUSICAL GENIUS.

- WHO WOULD THAT BE?

- YOUR GREAT UNCLE MELVILLE.

LOOK AT THIS PICTURE OF HIM

SURROUNDED BY ALL THOSE MUSICAL INSTRUMENTS.

- CAROL...

UNCLE MELVILLE OWNED A PAWN SHOP.

- OH. THEN WHAT ABOUT--?

- SWEETHEART, PLEASE, YOU DON'T HAVE TO SEARCH FOR GENIUSES.

- BUT DR. RUDNICK SAYS IT USUALLY RUNS IN THE FAMILY.

- BUT HE'S NOT EVEN SURE THAT SCOTTY IS A GENIUS.

HE JUST COULD HAVE A PECULIAR WAY OF CRYING.

- A PECULIAR WAY OF CRYING?

THAT'S LIKE SAYING BARYSHNIKOV HAS A FUNNY WALK.

- MORNING, HARRY.

WHERE'S LUCIFER?

- SCOTTY IS IN THE LIVING ROOM.

- WHAT'S HE DOING? WORKING ON A NEW TUNE?

- SOPHIA, HE'S AN ORDINARY BABY

WHO HAS A PECULIAR WAY OF CRYING.

- HA! THAT'S LIKE SAYING BARYSHNIKOV HAS A FUNNY WALK.

- WHAT?

- I WAS LISTENING AT THE DOOR.

BUT IT DOESN'T MATTER ANYWAY

BECAUSE I FIGURED OUT A WAY TO FIX EVERYTHING.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- AN EXORCISM.

SATURDAY NIGHT AT SHADY PINES.

PUNCH AND LIGHT REFRESHMENTS FOLLOWING THE CEREMONY.

- SOPHIA, THERE'S NOT GONNA BE ANY EXORCISM.

- HARRY, HAVE A HEART.

WE'RE STARVED FOR ENTERTAINMENT DOWN THERE.

- HELLO, SOPHIA.

- HELLO, CAROL.

HEY, SCOTTY, DON'T MAKE ANY PLANS FOR SATURDAY NIGHT.

- SOPHIA, WHO DO YOU THINK SCOTTY LOOKS LIKE?

- UH, I'M THINKING DAMIEN.

- WELL, WHEN HE WAS BORN HE LOOKED EXACTLY LIKE PATRICK,

BUT NOW I'M NOT SURE.

AND, DADDY, HAVE YOU NOTICED HOW MUCH WEIGHT HE'S GAINED?

- CAROL, BABY'S GO THROUGH TREMENDOUS CHANGES

AT THIS STAGE.

IT'S PERFECTLY NORMAL.

- HE'S RIGHT.

DOROTHY CHANGED SO MUCH,

EVERYONE THOUGHT THE HOSPITAL HAD PULLED A SWITCH ON ME.

BUT I KNEW BETTER.

A MOTHER ALWAYS KNOWS.

- OH, MY GOD.

- WHAT?

- A MOTHER ALWAYS KNOWS.

WELL, THIS MOTHER DOESN'T ALWAYS KNOW.

DADDY, I DON'T HAVE THAT KIND OF CONNECTION

THAT SOPHIA'S TALKING ABOUT.

- WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

- THINK ABOUT IT.

NO MUSICAL BACKGROUND, NO GENIUSES IN THE FAMILY,

MY RADAR'S BEEN OFF.

DON'T YOU SEE?

THERE'S ONLY ONE POSSIBLE EXPLANATION.

- WHAT?

- THIS IS NOT MY BABY.

- [grumbling]

- I THINK YOU'RE GONNA LOVE WHAT WE GOT THE BABY.

- THE QUESTION IS:

IS THE BABY GONNA LOVE WHAT WE BOUGHT THE BABY?

- CAN'T HELP BUT,

IT'S FUN, EDUCATIONAL, NON-TOXIC, DURABLE

AND WILL GROW WITH THE CHILD.

FEAST YOUR EYES, DOCTOR.

- TOOLS?

- NOT JUST TOOLS.

A COMPLETE SET OF DROP FORGE NICKEL PLATED AUTOMOTIVE TOOLS

IN STANDARD AND METRIC SIZES.

- YOU BOUGHT A NEWBORN INFANT TOOLS?

- IT IS THE PERFECT GIFT.

RIGHT NOW IT'S JUST SHINY THINGS TO CATCH HIS ATTENTION,

BUT BY THE TIME HE GROWS UP,

THEY'LL BE LIKE SECOND NATURE TO HIM.

- WELL, AT LEAST WE DON'T HAVE TO WORRY

THAT SOMEBODY ELSE BOUGHT HIM THE SAME THING.

UNLESS ONE OF THE PEP BOYS SHOWS UP.

- GOOD MORNING.

- GOOD MORNING, DOCTOR.

- WHAT'S IN THE BOX?

- NOTHIN'. IT'S JUST SOMETHIN'

DR. DOUGLAS AND ME GOT FOR THE BABY.

- LAVERNE PICKED IT OUT.

- OH. NOW, DOCTOR.

- OH, NOW, NOTHING.

I WANT IT ON THE RECORD. LAVERNE PICKED IT OUT.

- WELL, I THANK YOU BOTH VERY MUCH,

AND I'LL SEE THAT SCOTTY GETS IT.

ALTHOUGH I MAY HAVE TO SEND IT ON TO HIS FORWARDING ADDRESS.

- WHAT YOU TALKIN' 'BOUT?

- CAROL'S GOT IT IN HER HEAD THAT THE BABY'S NOT HERS.

- ISN'T THAT WHAT THE FATHER USUALLY SAYS?

- WELL, SHE INSISTS THAT A MOTHER KNOWS HER BABY,

AND SCOTTY IS NOT HERS.

SHE'S--SHE'S CONVINCED HE WAS SWITCHED AT THE HOSPITAL.

- WHERE'D SHE GET AN IDEA LIKE THAT?

THAT IS CRAZY.

NEVER MIND. I JUST ANSWERED MY OWN QUESTION.

- I THINK SHE FEELS SHE SOMEHOW DOESN'T DESERVE HIM.

I MEAN, YOU KNOW HOW SUGGESTIBLE CAROL IS.

- YEAH, STARK RAVIN' SUGGESTIBLE.

- WELL, WHY DON'T WE SUGGEST HER OUT OF IT?

YOU KNOW, WE'LL COME OVER TONIGHT,

WE'LL TELL HER HOW MUCH SCOTTY LOOKS LIKE HER

AND HOW DESERVING SHE IS.

THEN WE'LL TELL HER THAT THINGS LIKE THIS

JUST DON'T HAPPEN.

- 'COURSE, THERE WAS THIS TV MOVIE

WHERE A MOTHER HAD HER BABY STOLEN BY THIS NURSE

WHO COULDN'T HAVE KIDS OF HER OWN.

NOW, SHE HAD THIS YELLOW VAN

AND INSIDE IT WAS ALL FIXED UP LIKE A PLAYPEN.

- UH, LAVERNE, WHY DON'T YOU STAY HOME TONIGHT

AND REBUILD YOUR CARBURETOR?

- GOOD NEWS.

I JUST TALKED TO HIM. HE'S GONNA TAKE OUR CASE.

- WHAT CASE? WHO--?

- FEFERMAN, P.I.

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- LECH FEFERMAN, PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR.

HE'S GOT THIS BIG AD IN THE YELLOW PAGES.

"YOU LOSE IT, HE FINDS IT."

- CAROL, I TOLD YOU I WOULD CALL THE HOSPITAL TOMORROW.

- OH, MY GOD.

WHAT IF SCOTTY'S OUT THERE BEING BOTTLE-FED?

WHAT IF HE'S WEARING DISPOSABLE DIAPERS?

WHAT IF HE'S BEING RAISED BY REPUBLICANS?

- CAROL, WILL YOU PULL YOURSELF TOGETHER?

- I AM TOGETHER.

I SIMPLY GOT THE WRONG BABY AND HE'S GOING BACK.

- GOING BACK WHERE?

- DADDY, LOOK AT THE EVIDENCE.

HAS ANYONE SAID THIS BABY HAS MY EYES OR PATRICK'S NOSE?

- CAROL, HE SLEEPS ALL DAY.

HE'S OBVIOUSLY GOT PATRICK'S DRIVE.

NOW, PLEASE, I WANT YOU TO STOP DOING THIS.

YOUR BABY IS UPSTAIRS WITH LAVERNE AND MAXINE.

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I WILL WEATHER THE STORM. I WILL WEATHER THE STORM.

[rhythmic breathing]

ALL RIGHT. I'M CENTERED.

- [mumbling]

- HONEST TO GOODNESS,

HE LOOKS JUST LIKE THAT BABY IN THAT TV MOVIE.

- LAVERNE.

CAROL, THAT IS SOME BABY YOU HAVE THERE.

AND THE FAMILY RESEMBLANCE IS UNCANNY.

- SEE? - YEAH, THE WAY HE GRABBED

AT THE WRONG END OF THAT TORQUE WRENCH

HAD HARRY WESTON WRIT ALL OVER IT.

- WELL, THAT'S SOME COINCIDENCE

BECAUSE J.D.'S NOT MY BABY.

- J.D.?

- JOHN DOE, THE LITTLE STRANGER UPSTAIRS.

- CAROL, I DON'T SEE HOW THERE'S ANY DOUBT

THAT HE'S YOUR BABY.

HE'S SO MUCH LIKE YOU.

- REALLY?

IN WHAT WAY?

- FOR ONE,

HE'S ABSOLUTELY ADORABLE.

- WELL, YES, THERE'S THAT.

- AND WE ALL KNOW HE'S SMART AS A WHIP.

- LOOK, I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE ALL TRYING TO DO,

BUT A MOTHER KNOWS THESE THINGS.

YOU'LL ALL SEE I'M RIGHT

AS SOON AS I GET THE RESULTS OF THE DNA TESTING.

- DNA TESTING?

- YES. AND I SENT HIS FOOTPRINT TO THE FBI.

- I GIVE UP.

- UH, EXCUSE ME, HARRY,

I DON'T USUALLY LIKE TO MEDDLE IN FAMILY MATTERS,

BUT CAN I SAY SOMETHING HERE?

- PLEASE, GO AHEAD.

- CAROL, SIT DOWN FOR A MOMENT.

- THANK YOU, BUT I PREFER TO STAND.

- SIT DOWN!

NOW LISTEN TO ME, GIRL.

YOU ARE A WARM, LOVING HUMAN BEING,

AND THERE'S NO REASON ON EARTH

FOR YOU TO DOUBT THAT THAT BABY UPSTAIRS IS YOURS.

- I KNOW, BUT-- - I AM NOT FINISHED.

NOW, THE FACT IS YOU HAVE BEEN BLESSED

WITH A BEAUTIFUL, HEALTHY BABY.

SO WHY DON'T YOU JUST THANK GOD AND START ENJOYING HIM

AND CUT OUT ALL THIS DAMN FOOLISHNESS.

- YOU'RE RIGHT, MAXINE.

I WILL START ENJOYING MY BABY.

- THANK GOD.

- JUST AS SOON AS I FIND HIM.

- CAROL! YOU GOTTA STOP THIS.

YOU'RE GOING OFF THE DEEP END.

- WELL, THAT'S NOT LIKE THAT'S UNFAMILIAR TERRITORY FOR HER.

- LOOK, YOU ARE ALL AGAINST ME,

BUT I DON'T CARE.

I AM A MOTHER FIGHTING FOR HER CHILD,

AND NO POWER ON EARTH IS STRONGER THAN THAT.

- THAT'S JUST WHAT THAT MOTHER SAID IN THAT TV MOVIE.

[doorbell rings]

- CAROL WESTON? - YES.

- WE'RE MR. AND MRS. STANFORD.

I KNOW THIS IS GOING TO BE A BIT OF A BOMBSHELL,

BUT...YOU'VE GOT OUR BABY.

- WE'RE AWFULLY SORRY.

WE NEVER EXPECTED ANYONE TO FAINT.

- NO HARM DONE.

IT WAS JUST TOO BIG A SHOCK FOR THE POOR THING.

- COME ON. SIT UP.

- [mumbling]

- YOU ALL RIGHT, DADDY?

- YES, YES. I'M FINE. I'M FINE.

- GOOD. WHERE'S MY BABY?

- HO-HO-HOLD ON, CAROL, CAROL.

JUST--JUST HOLD ON. JUST A MINUTE.

NOW ARE YOU FOLKS SAYING THE BABIES

ACTUALLY WERE SWITCHED AT THE HOSPITAL?

- EXCUSE ME. DO YOU FOLKS DRIVE A YELLOW VAN?

- NOW, I'M SURE YOU WANNA VERIFY THE INFORMATION.

HERE ARE THE DNA TESTS AND THE FBI FOOTPRINT ANALYSIS.

- WHERE'S SCOTTY NOW?

- WE DIDN'T WANNA BRING HIM IN

UNTIL WE FELT YOU WERE PREPARED FOR THIS.

HE'S OUT IN THE CAR WITH OUR NANNY.

- OH, MY.

HE JUST WOKE UP.

- SCOTTY, THAT'S A CUTE NAME.

- OH, PLEASE. PLEASE, SIT DOWN.

YEAH, ACTUALLY, IT'S F. SCOTT, AFTER FITZGERALD.

CAROL HAS A TENDENCY TO BE A LITTLE...THEATRICAL.

WHAT IS YOUR BABY'S NAME?

- IGOR.

AFTER STRAVINSKY.

- JULIAN IS CONDUCTOR OF THE SOUTH FLORIDA SYMPHONY.

- WELL, YOU MIGHT WANNA CONSIDER THE NAME LUDWIG.

- YOU KNOW, I THINK HE HAS YOUR EYES, DOCTOR.

- LET'S HOPE HE DON'T GET HIS LEGS.

- HEY, IT'S GRANDPA.

SCOTTY, YOU'RE HOME.

- [rhythmic crying]

- HE'S WAKING UP.

- [rhythmic crying]

- WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THAT?

- HE'S A LITTLE FLAT.

- IT'S 3:00 IN THE MORNING.

TRY FEEDING HIM AGAIN.

- DADDY, HE'S NOT HUNGRY

AND HE DOESN'T NEED CHANGING.

HE'S JUST A CRIER.

- HE'S BEEN GOING ON LIKE THIS FOR TWO HOURS.

- AT LEAST IT'S NOT BEETHOVEN.

- SOUNDS MORE LIKE YOKO ONO.

- FACE IT, DADDY.

THIS BABY IS GOING TO BE A REAL HANDFUL.

- [crying]

- WELL, ONE THING FOR SURE.

WOO-HOO, WE KNOW HE'S YOURS.

[crying louder]

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