Original subtitles

- LAVERNE...

GUESS WHAT I'VE GOT.

- LIVER SPOTS.

- NO.

- BIRD LEGS!

- LAVERNE, YOU'LL NEVER GET IT.

- OPERA TICKETS. - OP--

HOW DID YOU KNOW THAT?

- IT'S A GIFT.

- SO, LAVERNE, YOU GONNA BUY THOSE OPERA TICKETS

FROM ME OR WHAT?

- COME ON, MAXINE, WE SHOULDN'T BE COMPETING WITH EACH OTHER

TO TRY TO SELL THESE TICKETS.

- YEAH.

I LIKED IT BETTER LAST YEAR

WHEN WE HAD THAT CELEBRITY AUCTION.

ONLY PROBLEM WAS NOBODY KNEW A CELEBRITY.

SO DR. OGILVY DONATED A BIC PEN

AND SAID IT BELONGED TO PATSY CLINE.

SOME NUT BOUGHT IT FOR 26 BUCKS.

- LIFE GOES ON

- COME ON, LAVERNE, HOW MANY OPERA TICKETS

CAN I PUT YOU DOWN FOR?

- I TOLD DR. DOUGLAS I HAVE PLANS FOR THAT NIGHT.

- WELL, CANCEL THEM. THIS IS VERY IMPORTANT.

LOOK, THE PROCEEDS FROM THIS PERFORMANCE

GO TO CLINICS ALL OVER THE CITY.

NOW, IF WE DON'T SUPPORT IT, HOW CAN WE ASK OTHER PEOPLE TO?

- YOU'RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT.

DR. DOUGLAS, PUT ME DOWN FOR ONE TICKET.

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

WHAT?

- THAT'S ONE MORE FOR THE GOOD GUYS.

- SHE ASKED ME FIRST.

- BUT, LAVERNE, WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER FOR 8 YEARS.

- THEN WHY DID YOU WAIT TILL THE LAST MINUTE TO ASK ME?

- SO HOW MANY TICKETS HAVE YOU SOLD?

- OH, SO FAR, I DON'T KNOW. I REALLY HAVEN'T KEPT TRACK.

COULD BE ANYWHERES UP TO...

30.

- UP TO 30?

- WELL, I SAID I'M GUESSING. COULD BE 30, COULD BE 20.

- COULD BE ONE.

- [chuckling] COULD BE ONE.

THAT IS, I MEAN, ONE THAT I'M ABSOLUTELY SURE OF.

- YOU'RE NOT REAL GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?

- UH, DON'T YOU WORRY WHAT I'M GOOD AT.

I'LL BET BY NEXT FRIDAY, I SELL MORE TICKETS THAT YOU DO.

- YOU'RE ON!

LOSER HAS TO WORK THE LATE SHIFT FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS.

- TWO WEEKS? WHY NOT FOUR WEEKS?

- WHY NOT EIGHT WEEKS?

- WHY NOT SIX MONTHS?

- YOU'RE ON. - YEAH, TWO WEEKS IS GOOD.

- LET'S GO, LET'S GO, LET'S GO! COME ON, COME ON!

- COME ON, WHAT? WHAT, WHAT? - CAROL'S HAVING HER BABY!

- [stammering] CAROL'S HAVING THE BABY WHERE?

- ON THE PHONE! I'LL GET YOUR JACKET!

- NO, I HAVE MY JACKET!

- I'LL GET YOUR CAR! - NO!

GET MY CAR!

UH, H-HI, SWEETHEART.

UH-HUH, OKAY. YOU'RE RIGHT? GOOD.

NO. NO, NO, DON'T WORRY.

NO, I'LL--I'LL MEET YOU AT THE HOSPITAL.

RIGHT. BYE!

OH, MY GOD. CAROL'S IN LABOR.

- WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

- UH, CALL THE HOSPITAL AND-- AND TELL THEM I'M ON MY WAY.

- HOW'S CAROL GETTING TO THE HOSPITAL?

- SHE SAYS SHE'S GOT THAT HANDLED.

- OH, GOD! I CAN'T FIND MY CAR KEYS!

DADDY!

- OH, THANK YOU.

AND THANK YOU. AND THANK YOU.

SHE CALLED ALL THOSE PEOPLE?

- PLUS THE CABLE GUY.

ANYWAY, SHE'S NOT DILATED. THERE'S NO CONTRACTIONS AT ALL.

I THINK THIS LABOR'S ALL IN HER HEAD.

- [Carol] OKAY!

LET'S HAVE THIS BABY!

OH, DOCTORS...

I'M READY FOR MY FETAL MONITOR!

- NO, HEY, HEY, HEY...

WHY DON'T YOU LET ME HANDLE THIS?

- OH, MY PLEASURE. - THANK YOU.

HEY! - HI, DADDY!

YOU KNOW, DADDY, THIS IS NOT HALF AS BAD

AS I THOUGHT IT WAS GONNA BE.

I MEAN, YES, I'M A LITTLE UNCOMFORTABLE,

BUT WHAT IS THAT COMPARED TO THE JOY OF GIVING LIFE?

WHY DO WOMEN COMPLAIN SO ABOUT LABOR?

- WELL, THEY--THEY COMPLAIN, DEAR, BECAUSE THEY'RE ACTUALLY...

IN LABOR.

- I'M IN LABOR.

- NO. NO, YOU'RE NOT.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

- SWEETHEART, I MEAN, A LOT OF THINGS CAN INDICATE LABOR--

SHORTNESS OF BREATH, A RISE IN TEMPERATURE, BUT...

THE ONE COMMON DENOMINATOR THAT MOST WOMEN LOOK FOR,

THE ONE--THE ONE THING THAT WILL CONFIRM THEIR SUSPICIONS

VIRTUALLY ALL THE TIME IS, UH...

PAIN.

- PAIN?

- NOW, DID YOU FEEL PAIN?

- TWINGES...

PAINFUL TWINGES.

- I SEE, AND THIS LED YOU TO BELIEVE THAT YOU WERE IN LABOR?

- YES.

- LET ME PUT IT TO YOU ANOTHER WAY.

COULD YOU RIGHT NOW

KILL ME, YOUR FATHER, FOR A SHOT OF MORPHINE?

- NO.

- WELL, WHEN YOU CAN, WE'LL TALK LABOR.

- I'LL BE RIGHT THERE. DON'T START WITHOUT ME.

SOPHIA, YOU HAVE TO COME.

LAMAZE CLASS IS STARTING, AND YOU'RE MY COACH.

YOU'RE AT A FUNERAL-- I'M SORRY.

SOPHIA...

SOPHIA!

SOPHIA, WHY ARE ALL THOSE PEOPLE YELLING "BINGO"?

- I DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS, CAROL.

- CHARLEY, I HAVE CALLED EVERYONE I KNOW,

AND YOU ARE ELECTED.

BELIEVE ME, I WOULD RATHER HAVE ANDREW DICE CLAY AS MY COACH.

- CAROL, I DON'T BELONG HERE.

I NEVER KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO A PREGNANT WOMAN...

I MEAN, BESIDES, YOU KNOW, "SORRY."

- JUST KEEP YOUR MOUTH SHUT AND TRY NOT TO EMBARRASS ME.

- HEY, I THINK I SLEPT WITH THAT GIRL.

- IS EVERYBODY READY?

OKAY, WE'D LIKE TO THANK CAROL WESTON

FOR THE USE OF HER HOME TONIGHT.

THANK YOU, CAROL.

AND, CAROL, WOULD YOU LIKE TO INTRODUCE

YOUR ALTERNATE COACH TO THE CLASS?

- NO, NO, NOPE, NOPE. NO, THANKS. I'M FINE.

- HEY, BABE.

- OH, MY GOD.

- THIS IS UNBELIEVABLE.

- RELAX, CAROL, IT WAS A LONG TIME AGO.

I BARELY REMEMBER IT. I'M SURE SHE DOESN'T EITHER.

- SEPTEMBER 12, 1986...

I WAS OUT OF MY MIND ON MEDICATION.

I HAD A FEVER OF 104.

- ALL I REMEMBER IS...

THAT WAS ONE HOT BABE.

- WELL, THEN, LET'S REVIEW SOME OF OUR EXERCISES,

STARTING WITH THE PUSH.

WE'RE ON OUR BACKS, OUR KNEES ARE APART,

PELVIS CONTRACTED FORWARD... AND RELEASE.

GOOD!

FORWARD... AND RELEASE.

- ISN'T THAT WHAT GOT YOU GALS INTO THIS MESS?

- NOW, DID EVERYONE READ THEIR CHAPTER ON SHALLOW BREATHING?

OKAY, WELL, LET'S GIVE IT A TRY, SHALL WE?

[all breathing quickly]

NO, YOU'RE OVERBREATHING-- SHORTER BREATHS.

[breathing quickly] GOOD.

NO, CAROL, THAT'S TOO DEEP.

[breathing quickly] GOOD!

UH, RACHELLE, YOU'RE GASPING.

OH, NOW HE'S GOT IT PERFECTLY!

NO, RACHELLE, YOU'RE GASPING!

[gasping] - THAT'S NOT GASPING!

I THINK SHE'S GOING INTO LABOR!

- WHAT'S GOIN' ON? - IT'S RACHELLE. SHE'S IN LABOR!

- OH, MY GOD! THIS IS A NIGHTMARE!

GET AWAY FROM ME! DON'T TOUCH ME!

- YOU KNOW, WHEN I HEAR HER SAY THOSE THINGS AGAIN,

I ALMOST MISS HER.

- [groaning]

- OH, MY GOD.

I'VE NEVER SEEN ANYONE IN LABOR BEFORE.

I MEAN, IT'S OVERWHELMING.

- HEY, CHECK IT OUT--

THIS LAMAZE PAMPHLET HAS PICTURES.

THESE ARE REALLY GROSS.

I LIKE 'EM.

- IT STARTED LOW, YOU KNOW, KIND OF A-A TIGHTENING THING.

AND THEN IT BEGAN TO SPREAD LIKE A WAVE, A WAVE, A WAVE,

WASHING THE CONTRACTION OVER HER BODY

AND THEN THROBBING PALPITATIONS

SWEEPING DOWN HER LEGS.

OH, MY GOD.

I THINK I'M HAVING A LABOR PAIN.

- WELP, I GOT TO GO!

- CHARLEY!

I'M SERIOUS, I'M FEELING REAL PAIN.

YES! YES! I'M SURE THIS IS IT! I'M IN LABOR!

- YOU ARE? OH, MY GOD! WHERE'S YOUR FATHER?

- AT THE CLINIC. TAKE ME TO THE HOSPITAL.

- OKAY, WHAT DO I GET? - TYPICAL--

I SHOULD'VE KNOWN YOU'D WANT SOMETHING!

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, THEY GIVE A FREE CD PLAYER

TO EVERYONE WHO BRINGS IN A PREGNANT WOMAN.

NOW TAKE ME! TAKE ME!

- CAROL, MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL 911.

- I CAN'T, THEY KNOW MY VOICE.

[Carol] PUSH! PUSH! PUSH!

- HARRY.

- ED.

- SHE'S OUT OF HER MIND.

- YES, I KNOW THAT.

- I CHECKED HER. SHE'S NOT IN LABOR.

IT'S A FIRST BABY. IT'S NOT GONNA BE EARLY.

AND WHO THE HELL IS THIS YAHOO

RUNNING AROUND DEMANDING A CD PLAYER?

- THAT WOULD BE, UH, MY, UH--

GOODNESS, BEATS ME. I DON'T KNOW.

- [Carol] THE HEAD!

I FEEL THE HEAD!

- I'LL GO TELL HER. - NO, ED, ED, ED, LOOK...

IF IT'S ALL THE SAME TO YOU,

WHY DON'T WE JUST LET HER WEAR HERSELF OUT

FOR A LITTLE WHILE?

[sighing] OH, MY!

SOPHIA! - HI, HARRY.

- DID YOU HAVE AN ACCIDENT?

- NO.

I WAS PLAYING TOUCH FOOTBALL WITH ROSE KENNEDY.

WHAT, ARE YOU SOME KIND OF YUTZ? I SLIPPED AT THE SUPERMARKET.

SO I HEARD, UH, CAROL'S HERE. HOW IS SHE?

- IT'S ANOTHER FALSE ALARM. SHE'S NOT IN LABOR.

- [Carol] DADDY, COME QUICK! I THINK IT'S COMING OUT SIDEWAYS!

- YOU, NUTCASE, ENOUGH!

- UH, LISTEN, SOPHIA,

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE MY GUEST AT THE OPERA NEXT FRIDAY?

- I CAN'T. - OKAY.

- HEY, HEY, DON'T GIVE UP SO EASY.

I'M PLAYIN' HARD TO GET HERE.

- [Carol] DADDY!

- EXCUSE ME. - NO PROBLEM.

HEY! TALL, DARK, AND BENT OVER, WAIT UP!

HEY, WAIT UP! HEY! HEY, WAIT UP!

- DADDY. OH, DADDY. IS THAT YOU, DADDY?

- YES, DEAR. YES, YES, YES, DEAR.

IT'S ME, YES, DEAR.

LISTEN, UM, UM, I WAS JUST TALKING TO YOUR DOCTOR

AND I HAVE SOME-- I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.

- OH!

WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO SAY, DADDY?

- CAROL, YOU'RE--YOU'RE-- YOU'RE NOT HAVING A BABY.

- I SEE.

SO THEN I'M JUST INCREDIBLY FAT.

- NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

I JUST MEANT THAT YOU'RE NOT HAVING A BABY RIGHT NOW.

YOU'RE HAVING BRAXTON HICKS CONTRACTIONS,

IT'S KIND OF A...

FALSE LABOR.

- FALSE?

THIS LABOR IS FALSE?

MOTHER OF GOD! THEN WHAT ARE REAL CONTRACTIONS LIKE?

TELL ME.

TELL ME NOW. I'VE GOT TO KNOW.

- WELL, SWEETHEART, I-- YOU KNOW, I HAVE TO SAY THEY--

[stammering] THEY'RE KIND OF-- THEY'RE KIND OF STRONGER.

- STRONGER?

STRONGER THAN THIS?

- AND--AND-- AND THEY LAST L-LONGER.

- AND THEY LAST...?

OKAY, THAT'S IT. I'M NOT DOING THIS.

I'M NOT HAVING THIS BABY. - CAROL--

- CALL SOMEONE RIGHT NOW.

I AM NOT GOING THROUGH WITH THIS.

THIS SHOULD BE AGAINST THE LAW!

I WANT A LAWYER. - CAROL, PLEASE--

- AND GOD! I DEMAND TO SPEAK TO GOD!

NOW I KNOW YOU'RE A MAN,

BECAUSE A WOMAN WOULD NEVER DO THIS TO ONE OF HER OWN.

- SWEETHEART...

- OH, YEAH, I'LL BE FREE THAT EVENING.

IN FACT, I'LL BE FREE EVERY EVENING FOR THE NEXT TWO WEEKS.

NO, NO, SOME LOSER

WILL BE TAKING OVER THE NIGHT SHIFT.

- SO, UH...

HOW MANY TICKETS HAVE YOU SOLD?

- LOOK, HARRY, IF YOU'RE UNCOMFORTABLE WITH THIS,

I SAY WE JUST CALL OFF THIS WHOLE BET THING.

- WELL, YOU KNOW, I MEAN, THIS KIND OF COMPETITION

REALLY ISN'T IN THE SPIRIT OF CHARITY, SO MAYBE YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE SHOULD-- WE SHOULD CALL IT OFF.

- HA! NOT A CHANCE.

- OH. ALL RIGHT.

- SURPRISE, DOCTOR!

- WHAT IS THIS?

- WELL, IT'S JUST SOMETHIN' WE ORDERED

TO HELP CELEBRATE CAROL'S BIG EVENT.

IT JUST ARRIVED. OPEN IT.

- GEE, YOU GUYS. COME ON.

I DON'T GET IT.

- IT'S PERSONALIZED LICENSE PLATES.

- IT SAYS "GRAMPS."

- IT SAYS "CRAMPS"!

- LAVERNE!

- IT WAS THE CLOSEST THING I COULD GET!

"GRAMPS" WAS TAKEN!

- [grunts]

- WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE THREE FOR ME, ONLY TWO FOR YOU.

- YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

- YOU KNOW HOW YOU SAY TO YOURSELF SOMETIMES,

"HEY, WHERE DO ALL THE RICH BABES GO AT NIGHT?"

WELL, JACKPOT.

- CHARLEY, SIT DOWN.

- THREE FOR ME.

LOOKS LIKE A TIE.

- BETTER START RESTIN' UP FOR THAT LATE SHIFT, GRAMPS.

[orchestra tuning]

- MAN, THOSE GUYS STINK.

- IT'S A ZOO OUT THERE-- 45 WOMEN, 2 STALLS.

I HAD TO YELL "FIRE" IN THE MEN'S ROOM.

- WE'RE EVEN.

- HEY, PAL, UP HERE!

A BURRITO AND TWO BREWSKIES! - CHARLEY, SIT DOWN!

THE MAN IS RENTING OPERA GLASSES.

- WELL, THEN HE SHOULD BE ABLE TO SEE ME.

[whistling] YO! FOUR EYES!

HEY, BEER! BEER HERE!

- CHARLEY.

- I DON'T FEEL VERY GOOD.

- OF COURSE NOT. YOU MUST BE EXHAUSTED.

YOU'VE BEEN FAKING LABOR PAINS FOR A WEEK.

[opera music playing]

- DADDY...

DADDY, I'M HAVING MY BABY.

- OKEYDOKEY, JUST TRY TO KEEP IT QUIET, DEAR.

- YOU KNOW, IT'S LIKE THEY'RE SINGING EVERYTHING!

- [whispering] CHARLEY, COME ON, JUST SHUSH--QUIET!

- [whispering] WELL, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND IT.

- IT'S ITALIAN!

- OH, GREAT! WHOSE BRILLIANT IDEA WAS THAT?

- DADDY...

- HEY, SHAMU, PIPE DOWN!

- I WILL KILL THE NEXT PERSON WHO TALKS.

- OH!

- NOT TO GET KILLED OR ANYTHING,

BUT CAROL'S COMPLAINTS ARE COMIN' EVERY TWO MINUTE.

- WHAT?

- ARE YOU SURE? - I'M POSITIVE.

- BETTER GET MY BAG.

- OKAY, ALL RIGHT. SWEETIE, LET ME SEE.

LET ME LOOK AT YOU.

ALL RIGHT, YOU'RE A BIT--YEAH...

CHARLEY, WOULD YOU GET UP, PLEASE, AND MOVE THOSE CHAIRS?

COME HERE, BABY, COME ON, COME HERE.

COME ON, COME OVER HERE.

COME TO ME, SWEETHEART. GOOD GIRL, GOOD GIRL.

CHARLEY, GET BEHIND HER.

NOW JUST LIE DOWN, BABY.

- WHAT? HERE?

OH, NO! WHY CAN'T WE GO TO THE HOSPITAL?

- JUST--JUST DO WHAT I'M TELLING YOU, DEAR, NOW,

BECAUSE YOU'RE HAVING A BABY, AND IT'S NOW.

- OH! [panting]

- WHAT THE HELL IS GOIN' ON UP THERE?

- SOMETHIN' A WHOLE LOT MORE INTERESTIN'

THAN WHAT'S GOIN' ON DOWN THERE!

[Carol panting]

- YOU KNOW, CAROL, WHEN YOU LIE ON YOUR BACK LIKE THAT,

YOUR FACE LOOKS A LOT YOUNGER.

- DADDY, IT'S COMING. I CAN FEEL IT. IT'S COMING.

- OKAY, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

SHE'S READY. UM...

GO GET ME SOME NEWSPAPERS OR SOME TOWELS.

TRY TO FIND ME SOME SCISSORS.

TELL THE MANAGEMENT WHAT'S GOING ON HERE AND CALL AN AMBULANCE.

- THAT'S TOO MANY THINGS. - I'LL DO IT!

- WELL, I GET TO CALL THE AMBULANCE!

- I WISH MAXINE WERE HERE TO DO IT. YOU'RE MY FATHER.

AH! AH! I DON'T CARE WHO DOES IT!

JUST GET THAT BABY OUT OF THERE!

- ALL RIGHT, OKAY, NOW, REMEMBER YOUR BREATHING!

BREATHE, BABY. YEAH, GOOD.

- OH, GOD! OH, GOD! THE PAIN! THE PAIN!

- NOW COMES THE GOOD PART.

LUCIA HAS GONE MAD, AND EDGAR'S ABOUT TO KILL HIMSELF.

- OH! - HEY, I CAN'T HEAR!

KNOCK IT OFF!

- BABY, YOU'RE OKAY. - AMBULANCE IS ON IT'S WAY.

HERE YOU GO. - THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

OKAY, BABY. - I NEED TO PUSH.

- IT'S OKAY. - I NEED TO PUSH.

- ALL RIGHT... - COME ON! SHUT UP UP THERE!

- OH!

[groaning] - HERE IT COMES NOW.

- BREATHE. - THERE YOU GO, DEAR.

COME ON, IT'S COMING!

- OKAY, I CALLED THE-- EE-AH!

- ALL RIGHT...

HERE WE GO!

[Carol screaming, singers hitting highnote]

[baby crying] - AW! LOOK HOW PURTY!

- IT'S A BOY!

YOU HAD A BOY! - [laughing]

- AND BABY MAKES FIVE! I WIN!

[opera music playing]

- BOY, YOU'LL DO ANYTHING TO WIN THAT BET!

[opera music ends]

[applause]

- THANK YOU.

- LIBBY, DEAR...

WE'RE GRANDPARENTS.

AND HE'S PERFECT. I CHECKED HIM OUT MYSELF.

YOU KNOW, I WASN'T SURE I WAS READY TO BE A GRANDPA,

BUT, UH...

[chuckling] IT JUST--IT FEELS SO GOOD.

WISH YOU WERE HERE.

HEY, YOU. HEY, PAY ATTENTION!

HEY, YOUR GRANDFATHER'S SPEAKING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT PATH YOU'LL CHOOSE IN LIFE,

BUT WHATEVER IT IS, I WISH YOU...

HEALTH...

LOVE, AND PROSPERITY.

AND MAYBE SOMEDAY YOU CAN GET YOUR MOTHER...

HER OWN HOUSE.

- CAROL, IT WAS A MIRACLE.

I NEVER EXPERIENCED

ANYTHING SO BEAUTIFUL AND MOVING IN MY LIFE.

IT BROUGHT TEARS TO MY EYES.

- CHARLEY, THIS IS A WONDROUS THING.

WHO WOULD'VE THOUGHT THAT SOMEONE LIKE YOU

COULD BE SO AFFECTED BY THE BIRTH OF A CHILD?

- WHAT BIRTH?

I JUST NAILED A NURSE IN THE UTILITY CLOSET.

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