Original subtitles

- MARY, MARCI, MARILYN...

THIS IS RIDICULOUS!

ALL THESE NAMES ARE STARTING TO SOUND ALIKE TO ME.

I'M JUST GONNA PUT THIS OUT OF MY HEAD AND MAKE LUNCH.

ROSEMARY!

GINGER!

BASIL!

TARRAGON.

TARRAGON WESTON.

HERB!

- HI, HONEY!

- HONEY!

- AH! WHAT A BEAUTIFUL DAY!

- THE SAILORS HAVE RETURNED FROM THE SEA.

BRING ON THE WORKING GIRLS!

- I BELIEVE THE EXPRESSION IS "DANCING GIRLS."

- YOU RELAX YOUR WAY, I'LL RELAX MINE.

- OH, CAROL, YOU CANNOT BELIEVE THE SUN, THE SEA, THE SALT AIR,

THE POWER OF THE THROTTLE!

- THE THRUSTING OF THE HIPS, THE HEAVING OF THE BREASTS.

- I'M TALKING ABOUT THE BOAT!

- OH, THAT! - YEAH.

OH, CHARLEY, I CANNOT THANK YOU ENOUGH

FOR GETTING ME INTO THAT BOATING CLASS!

- SO I TAKE IT YOU PASSED THE TEST, HUH?

- UH...AN 82. - DADDY!

- I GOT A...97.

- YOU BEAT DADDY?

- 82, 97... WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

15 POINTS.

BUT THAT DOESN'T MATTER. WHAT MATTERS IS I WON OUR BET.

- WHAT BET? - WELL, WHOEVER SCORED

THE HIGHEST GETS TO BE CAPTAIN THIS WEEKEND

ON OUR MAIDEN VOYAGE.

- YOU'RE KIDDING.

- NAH, NAH, COME ON, I MEAN, IT'S LARGELY CEREMONIAL.

- NOT COMPLETELY...

I GET TO WEAR THE HAT!

OKAY, HARRY, SEE YA SATURDAY, SIX BALLS.

- CHARLEY...

THAT IS "SIX BELLS."

- THAT'S A GOOD THING THAT WASN'T ON THE TEST.

OTHERWISE I MIGHT NOT HAVE SCORED...

97!

- LIFE GOES ON, AND SO DO WE

- AND IN JUST A FEW MINUTES,

OUR FINE AND DEDICATED DOCTORS WILL BE RIGHT WITH YOU.

AND ARTHUR, REMEMBER, NO BLOWIN' YOUR NOSE TRUCKER-STYLE.

SHOWTIME!

- LAVERNE, I CAN'T FIND ANY TONGUE DEPRESSORS.

- THEY ARE IN THE ORDER WITH ALL OUR OTHER MEDICAL SUPPLIES.

- SO WHEN ARE WE GETTING OUR ORDER?

- FUNNY THING ABOUT C.O.D.s, THEY DON'T TAKE I.O.U.s.

- I THOUGHT WE RAISED MONEY WITH THOSE DONATION LETTERS.

- WE DID. - WHAT DID WE SPEND IT ON?

- A BOX OF PAPERCLIPS AND A SPONGE.

- HERE, HARRY. - WHAT IS THIS?

- YOUR FUNDRAISING SPEECH TO THE CITY COUNCIL.

- YOU'RE GIVING THIS SPEECH.

- YES.

I'M GIVING IT TO YOU.

- WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, HEY, HEY, MAXINE, COME ON.

YOU PROMISED TO DO THIS.

- OH, HARRY, I THOUGHT I COULD.

BUT I CAN'T.

I MEAN, I'M GREAT ONE-ON-ONE,

BUT GET ME IN FRONT OF A GROUP OF PEOPLE AND I FREEZE.

- SWEETHEART, WE ALL GET A LITTLE NERVOUS.

- A LITTLE?

FIRST MY MOUTH DRIES UP, THEN MY NECK STARTS TO SWEAT

AND IT RUNS DOWN BETWEEN MY SHOULDER BLADES

AND I END UP WITH A RUSTY BRA HOOK.

- I USED TO GO OUT WITH A BOY NAMED RUSTY BRAHOOK.

- OH, COME ON, HARRY, PLEASE!

I'LL BE YOUR BEST FRIEND.

- OKAY, IF IT'S THAT BAD, I'LL DO THE SPEECH FOR YOU.

- OH, NO, YOU WON'T, DOCTOR.

YOU'VE GOTTA LET HER DO IT HERSELF.

THAT'S THE ONLY WAY SHE-- - BUTT OUT, LAVERNE!

- THAT IS THE ON WAY SHE WILL OVERCOME THIS PROBLEM.

I'M DOIN' THIS 'CAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU, DOCTOR.

THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL "TOUGH LOVE."

- AND THIS IS WHAT YOU CALL A "KNUCKLE SANDWICH."

- LAVERNE, NOW WAIT, WAIT, WAIT. WAIT A MINUTE, MAXINE.

NOW, LAVERNE COULD BE RIGHT.

- LAVERNE IS ALWAYS RIGHT.

NOW, I'M GON' HELP YOU THROUGH THIS, DOCTOR.

I HAD STAGE FRIGHT ONCE, COULDN'T GET A WORD OUT.

REMEMBER THAT, DOCTOR?

- MARCH 4, 1991.

IT WAS THE HAPPIEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

- AIR TEMPERATURE IS 78. WATER TEMPERATURE IS 62.

WIND FROM THE SOUTHWEST AT 3 TO 5 KNOTS.

- AH, CHARLEY! WE HAVE PERFECT WEATHER!

- [sighing]

HOW DO I LOOK?

- LIKE THE TY-D-BOL MAN.

- DON'T BE RIDICULOUS!

HE'S THAT BIG!

MY TELESCOPE, PLEASE.

- THE REAL ONE, OR THE ONE WITH THE GIRLY INSIDE?

- A SENSE OF HUMOR, I LIKE THAT IN A DECKHAND.

BY THE WAY, I'VE INSPECTED THE SHIP

AND YOU MAY WANNA APPLY A LITTLE MORE ELBOW GREASE

TO THE LATRINE.

- YOU MEAN "HEAD."

- ELBOW GREASE, HEAD GREASE...

- LOOK, CHARLEY, COME ON. THIS IS GETTING RIDICULOUS.

WITH ALL THIS-- - COME ON!

COULD KILL YOU TO LET ME BE IN CHARGE ONE WEEKEND?

- ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, FINE.

- GOOD! NOW LOOK SHARP, SWABBY,

THE CAPTAIN IS NOW GONNA CONFIRM OUR LOCATION AND COURSE.

OKAY...WEST-SOUTHWEST...

OW!

17 KNOTS.

NORTHERLY SWELL.

I MAKE OUR LOCATION TEN DEGREES NORTH LATITUDE,

67 DEGREES WEST LONGITUDE.

- ARE YOU SURE?

- ABSOLUTELY.

- THAT PUTS US IN DOWNTOWN CARACAS.

- OKAY, I'LL DO IT THE OLD-FASHIONED WAY.

AHOY! MAN ON JET SKI!

WHERE THE HELL ARE WE?

- HERE YOU GO, DREYFUSS...OH!

GEE, IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME

SINCE I HAD A GUY EATING OUT OF MY HAND.

ALTHOUGH I HAVE DATED A FEW WHO DRANK OUT OF THE TOILET.

[doorbell ringing]

- CAROL, I HAVE THE PERFECT NAME FOR YOUR BABY.

- WHAT? - MR. BANDALUCCI.

- MR. BANDALUCCI?

- HE LIVES ACROSS THE HALL FROM ME...

I--I PROMISED YOU'D NAME YOUR BABY AFTER HIM.

- SOPHIA, HOW COULD YOU MAKE SUCH A PROMISE?

- IT WAS A MOMENT OF PASSION.

BETWEEN THE OXYGEN AND THE BENGAY

I--I COULDN'T THINK STRAIGHT.

- SOPHIA, I'M SORRY, BUT THERE IS NO WAY

I CAN NAME MY BABY MR. BANDALUCCI.

- WELL HOW ABOUT JUST HIS FIRST NAME: SILVANO.

- SILVANO WESTON?

- THINK ABOUT IT...

HE'LL HAVE THE SAME INITIALS AS SLAPPY WHITE.

- WHAT AN ODD LITTLE WOMAN.

- AS YOU WERE.

- I AM AS I WAS.

- YOU RESENT TAKING ORDERS FROM ME, DON'T YOU?

- [laughing] I HATE IT!

- AND YOU THINK I'M MAKING TOO BIG OF A DEAL OUT OF THIS.

- FRANKLY, YES!

- I THOUGHT SO.

THAT GOES RIGHT INTO THE REPORT, MISTER!

ALL RIGHT, PREPARE THE VESSEL FOR LANDING.

WE SHOULD BE ARRIVING AT OUR OVERNIGHT PORT

IN APPROXIMATELY 30 MINUTES.

- WELL, GOOD THING,

'CAUSE WE HAVE SOME WEATHER SNEAKING UP ON US.

- NOTHING SNEAKS UP ON ME.

I GOT EYES IN THE BACK OF MY HEAD.

- WELL, YOU'LL NEED 'EM

TO READ ALL THOSE NUDIE MAGAZINES YOU BROUGHT ABOARD.

[engine failing]

[engine rattling]

- I DON'T BELIEVE IT! WE'RE OUT OF GAS!

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU FILLED UP THE TANK!

- I DID!

HOW DO YOU THINK WE DROVE DOWN TO THE DOCK?

- I'M TALKING ABOUT THE BOAT!

YOU DIDN'T FILL THE BACKUP TANK?

- BACKUP TANK?

- CHARLEY, THIS IS THE STUPIDEST THING YOU HAVE EVER DONE!

- OH, YEAH?

WHAT ABOUT THE TIME I FILLED MY WATERBED WITH HELIUM

AND I BROKE MY NOSE ON THE CEILING?

[thunder roaring]

- THIS IS A SMALL-CRAFT WARNING.

GALE FORCE WINDS ARE EXPECTED

IN THE VICINITY OF 25 DEGREES NORTH LATITUDE,

82 DEGREES WEST LONGITUDE. SEEK SHELTER IMMEDIATELY.

- [gasping]

THOSE POOR BASTARDS IN CARACAS!

[thunder roaring]

- AND IN CONCLUSION, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN OF THE COUNCIL,

YOUR FINANCIAL HELP WILL BE A BIG HELP TO US

IN SERVING THE COMMUNITY.

- YOU USED "HELP" TWICE IN THE SAME SENTENCE.

- DOES THAT BOTHER YOU? - NO.

- THEN WHY'D YOU BRING IT UP?

- IT'S JUST THE WAY MY MIND WORKS.

LIKE THE WAY I LABEL ACE BANDAGES.

I DON'T WRITE "ACE BANDAGES," I JUST WRITE "ACE"

'CAUSE I KNOW THEY'S BANDAGES.

- AND IN CONCLUSION, LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

YOUR FINANCIAL HELP WILL AID US IN SERVING THE COMMUNITY.

- WHOO! YES!

THAT'LL GET YA A BIG OL' HEAP A THE "ARKANSAS ATTAGIRL"!

- I DON'T CARE WHERE THE "ATTAGIRLS" COME FROM,

I CAN'T DO THIS.

I KNOW THE CLINIC NEEDS THE MONEY,

BUT I JUST CAN'T DO IT!

- DR. DOUGLAS, YOU HAVE TO DO IT,

OR YOU'D NEVER BE ABLE TO LOOK YOURSELF IN THE EYE.

- HOW OFTEN DO YOU REALLY HAVE TO LOOK YOURSELF IN THE EYE?

- THINK OF YOUR PATIENTS.

WHERE WOULD THEY GO IF THIS CLINIC SHUT DOWN?

- I KNOW.

- PICTURE POOR MR. HERNANDEZ A-WANDERIN' THE STREETS,

LOOKIN' FOR SOMEONE TO TREAT HIS GOITER.

- SORRY, LAVERNE. IT'S NO USE.

- WE HAVE A SAYIN' BACK IN HICKORY:

"ANY DOCTOR WHO WON'T GIVE A SPEECH

TO RAISE MONEY FOR THE CANAL STREET CLINIC

IS A SCAREDY-CAT."

- THAT'S A SAYING IN HICKORY?

- WELL, IT DON'T COME UP THAT OFTEN.

[telephone ringing]

CANAL STREET CLINIC.

CAROL...

CAROL, SLOW DOWN, I CAN'T UNDERSTAND YOU.

I MEAN, EVEN MORE THAN USUAL.

WHAT?

WHAT TIME WAS DADDY DUE BACK?

NO! NO. NOW, DON'T YOU WORRY.

DADDY'S LITTLE GIRL WILL SEE HIM AGAIN, NOW.

BYE-BYE.

DADDY'S NOT BACK YET.

I MEAN, DR. WESTON IS NOT BACK...

[stuttering] FROM HIS TRIP,

AND THE COAST GUARD'S OUT A-LOOKIN' FOR HIM.

- GOOD LORD! - YEAH, AND, AND, WELL...

HE'S CERTIFIED. HE TOOK THAT CLASS.

- THAT'S RIGHT. HARRY KNOWS HOW TO SURVIVE.

HE'S INTELLIGENT, HE'S RESOURCEFUL,

HE'S TRAINED IN EMERGENCY PROCEDURES.

- AND CHARLEY'S WITH HIM.

- HE'S DEAD.

- THE BILGE PUMP IS KINDA SLOW.

BUT I FINALLY GOT IT TO WORK AGAIN.

- A LOT OF MEN YOUR AGE HAVE THAT PROBLEM.

BUT DON'T WORRY.

I'M GONNA GET US OUTTA THIS. I HAVE A PLAN.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS! - HERE, GIMME THAT!

"CALL ME CHARLEY.

"I WAS BORN OF MIDDLE-CLASS PARENTS,

"BUT QUICKLY ROSE TO THE RANK OF CAPTAIN.

"FIRST MATE WESTON PROVED TO BE A COWARDLY LANDLUBBER.

"HELP! HELP! PLEASE RESCUE US.

ONE OF US IS TOO YOUNG TO DIE!"

A NOTE IN A BOTTLE?

THAT'S YOUR GREAT PLAN-- IS A NOTE, IN A BOTTLE?

[thunder roaring]

CHARLEY...

DO YOU REALIZE HOW SERIOUS THINGS ARE?

WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE OCEAN...

WITH NO GAS...

AND NO WAY TO CONTACT ANYBODY.

AND ONLY ENOUGH FOOD FOR THREE DAYS.

WHERE'S THE FOOD?

- PLEASE, DON'T TALK ABOUT FOOD! I'M STUFFED!

- THAT'S IT! I'VE HAD IT! ENOUGH!

- STAND DOWN, MR. WESTON.

I'LL NOT HAVE ANY MORE OF YOUR INSUBORDINATION.

- CHARLEY, CHARLEY, LISTEN TO ME...

CHARLEY! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE SOMEWHERE!

LISTEN TO ME VERY CAREFULLY.

I THINK IT WOULD BE BEST IF I ASSUME COMMAND OF THE SHIP.

- MUTINY!

LET THE LOG REFLECT THAT

MR. WESTON ILLEGALLY SEIZED COMMAND OF THE SHIP AT...

16 BALLS.

- CHARLEY, WHY DON'T YOU GO BELOW TO YOUR CABIN SIR,

AND REST.

- YES, VERY WELL, I'LL...

I'LL GO LIE DOWN FOR A BALL AND A HALF.

- FINE, GO ON.

- WHOA! [crashing]

[knocking on the door]

- COME IN!

- CAROL, ARE YOU OKAY, HUN? - I'M FINE!

I'M MAKING CUSTARD. IT'S DADDY'S FAVORITE DESSERT!

- YOU HEARD FROM THE COAST GUARD?

- NO, BUT I'M FINE!

I'M KEEPING A GOOD THOUGHT FOR A GOOD PERSON.

- YOU KNOW, YOU USED "GOOD" TWICE IN THE SAME SENTENCE.

I HATE YOU, LAVERNE.

- CAROL, IS THEY ANYTHING I CAN DO FOR YOU?

- NO, I'M FINE!

I'VE GOT EVERYTHING UNDER CONTROL!

all: [startled screaming]

- WHOA! OKAY, I'LL JUST-- I'LL PUT THIS IN THE SINK.

- OH, LAVERNE, THAT'S O--

SINK...SINK...

OH, POOR DADDY!

OH, POOR CHARLEY!

NO! NO! THE SEA SHALL NOT HAVE THEM!

I'M FINE.

- I DON'T THINK SHE'S FINE.

- LAVERNE...

GIVE HER A MINUTE. - YEAH...

- MAYBE WE SHOULD CALL HER THERAPIST.

- WHICH ONE?

- YOU KNOW, IT'S TERRIBLE TO BE THINKING OF MYSELF

AT A TIME LIKE THIS, BUT...

HOW CAN I GIVE THAT SPEECH TOMORROW

WHEN ALL I'M THINKIN' ABOUT IS HARRY LOST AT SEA?

- DR. WESTON WOULD WANT YOU TO DO IT.

AIN'T YOU EVER SEEN THEM OLD MOVIES

WHERE THE PERSON'S FACE APPEARS IN THE CLOUDS

AND YOU CAN KINDA SEE THROUGH IT AND...

AND IT TELLS THE LOVED ONES LEFT BEHIND TO BE STRONG

AND CARRY ON.

- YEAH?

- WELL, DR. WESTON WOULD BE DOIN' THAT EXACT SAME THING,

ONLY YOU CAN'T SEE THROUGH HIM

AND YOU AIN'T ONE OF HIS LOVED ONES, BUT IT'S CLOSE.

DR. DOUGLAS, I KNOW YOU CAN DO IT.

- YEAH, WELL, I GUESS IT WON'T BE ANY WORSE

THAN WHAT HARRY'S GOING THROUGH.

POOR MAN. IT MUST BE HORRIBLE.

- UH, UH-UH... NOT IN FRONT OF YOU-KNOW-WHO.

- LAVERNE, "YOU-KNOW-WHO" IS A DOG.

- [growling]

- AND A WONDERFUL DOG HE IS, TOO.

- HARRY... - WHAT?

- WHAT IF THE STORM COMES BACK?

I DON'T WANNA DIE.

I DON'T WANNA BE ONE OF THOSE TRANSPARENT FACES IN THE MOVIES

WHO TALK TO THEIR LOVED ONES.

- IT'S NOT GONNA HAPPEN.

- YOU THINK WE'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT?

- I DON'T KNOW, BUT I'M PRETTY SURE

THEY'RE NOT GONNA MAKE A MOVIE ABOUT YOU.

- WE'RE GONNA DIE! - WE'RE NOT GONNA DIE!

- WE'RE GONNA DIE AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT.

- [sighing] WELL, YOU'RE HALF RIGHT.

- HARRY...

- [whimpering] WHAT?

- I CHEATED ON THE EXAM.

- WELL, I--I SORTA GATHERED THAT

WHEN YOU KEPT CALLING THE KITCHEN "THE GALLERY."

BUT HOW? HOW--HOW DID YOU DO IT?

- WELL, WHEN I TURNED IN OUR PAPERS, I SWITCHED OUR NAMES.

JUST HAD TO BE BETTER THAN YOU AT SOMETHIN'.

- COULDN'T YOU PICK SOMETHING A LITTLE LESS DANGEROUS?

- YOU'VE GOT RESPECT, YOU'VE GOT FRIENDS,

YOU HAVE A FAMILY THAT LOVES YOU.

I'VE GOT...

NUDIE MAGAZINES.

MY LIFE IS LIKE THIS BOAT, DRIFTIN' NOWHERE.

HARRY, I'M ALMOST 40.

- I THOUGHT YOU WERE 41.

- 41'S ALMOST 40.

- LOOK, CHARLEY, WE ALL MAKE MISTAKES.

YOURS SEEM TO COME IN CLUSTERS.

BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE A BAD PERSON.

IT JUST MEANS YOU'RE A...

CHARLEY.

- WE'RE MINUTES FROM THE END, AND IT'S ALL MY FAULT,

AND YOU HAVE IT WITHIN YOURSELF...TO NURTURE?

HARRY...

- WHAT?

- HOLD ME.

- [sighing]

- THE COAST GUARD IS A-DRIVIN' ME NUTS.

ALL I GET IS A RECORDING.

"TO REPORT A MISSING SAILBOAT, PRESS ONE.

"TO REPORT A SHARK ATTACK, PRESS TWO.

TO ORDER OUR BEEFCAKE CALENDAR, PRESS THREE."

- ANY WORD?

- NOTHIN' YET.

HEY, HOW'D YOUR SPEECH GO?

- NEVER BEEN SO EMBARRASSED IN MY LIFE.

- WHAT HAPPENED?

- WELL, I GOT OFF TRACK THINKIN' ABOUT HARRY.

I STARTED TALKIN' ABOUT HIM BEING LOST AT SEA

AND I GOT ALL CHOKED UP.

THEN THEY STARTED FEELIN' SORRY FOR ME.

- YEAH? AND?

- THAT'S WHEN I REALLY POURED IT ON!

I HAVEN'T BLUBBERED THAT MUCH SINCE I HEARD STEVEN SPIELBERG

WAS GONNA DIRECT THE COLOR PURPLE.

I THINK THEY GAVE ME THE MONEY JUST TO SHUT ME UP.

- MAXINE, I'M VERY HAPPY FOR YOU.

I JUST WISH DADDY WERE HERE TO SHARE IT WITH US.

- CAROL, THEY IS NOT A PERSON HERE

WHO DOES NOT KNOW, YOUR FATHER IS IS GONNA COME HOME SAFE AND SOUND.

- THESE ARE ALL THE BLACK DRESSES I COULD FIND.

- [Harry sighing] - DADDY!

- HEY! - OH, THANK GOD!

- SO, YOU'RE ALIVE! THAT'S GREAT!

NOW I DON'T HAVE TO GET THESE DRY-CLEANED.

- OH, DADDY, DADDY!

DADDY, THANK GOD YOU'RE ALIVE!

- HOW'D YOU GET BACK?

- THE NEPTUNE SOCIETY PICKED US UP.

- YOU GOT PICKED UP BY THOSE "BURIAL AT SEA" PEOPLE?

- YEAH, BASICALLY IT WAS "GOOD-BYE, SHIRLEY AND FLUFFY,

HELLO, HARRY AND CHARLEY."

- WELL, IT'S LUCKY THEY WERE PASSING BY!

- THEY WEREN'T JUST PASSING BY.

- THEN HOW'D THEY FIND YOU?

- I'M GONNA GO SOAK IN A HOT TUB.

- HARRY, IT'S NOT POLITE TO IGNORE A LADY'S QUESTION.

HOW'D THEY FIND US?

- WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE? THEY FOUND US.

- SAY IT, HARRY. HOW'D THEY FIND US?

- THEY FOUND CHARLEY'S NOTE IN A BOTTLE! GOOD NIGHT!

- CAROL! CAROL, COME QUICK!

- WHAT IS IT, SOPHIA?

- I FINALLY HEARD FROM THE COAST GUARD!

- SOPHIA, HONEY, DADDY CAME HOME A WEEK AGO.

- DADDY-SHMATTY, I FINALLY GOT MY BEEFCAKE CALENDAR!

WAIT TILL YOU GET A LOOK AT "LIEUTENANT NOVEMBER"!

- SOPHIA, I AM NOT...

WELL, AHOY THERE!

WHOO!

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